The New Rules – Over 50

I’m traveling today, back from a wonderful mother daughter trip with my favorite daughter…my one and only! I try to be a cool Mom, to keep up with trends, and to age gracefully. Then I read this article this morning and realized I am getting quite a few things all wrong! Who knew?!?

 

Words Never To Say When You’re Over 50

Shelley Emling: Editor, Post 50

We’re all guilty of muttering something off-putting now and then, but there are simply a few words and phrases that — according to some — are just plain strange to hear coming out of the mouths of post 50s. Sure, there are words that no one of any age should say on the Internet without starting a flame war. There also are terms no one should use to describe themselves on LinkedIn.

And no one, in 2013, should be uttering “bromance,” or “oh, awkward” or “binders full of women.”

But there are also, definitely, words that probably never should come out of the mouths of those with an AARP card. Never. Like, ever.

Huff/Post50 asked our readers and Facebook fans what they thought and here are a few of their responses.

JoAnn Forrester said post 50s should never say “girlfriend,” “neat,” or “can I fix you dinner?”

Kim Dunshie Herning said it depends on who you’re talking to. “It is not ‘cool’ to use your teenager’s current slang in any conversation with any age group to try to be ‘with it.’ Salty, swag? What the heck do these words mean? And you won’t catch me calling any male or female ‘dude’,” she said.

Johnny Hoppe argued that only words and phrases that have lost their cool or were never cool to begin with should be avoided, such as “par-tay”, “_______ NOT!”, “Compassionate Conservatism” or “Squib me deux Zima, G-bones!”

“Words of this ilk should only be used ironically and under professional supervision and always with protective headgear,” he said.

Roe Breslin said that, after a shopping trip to Target last week, her 39-year-old daughter announced that one should never use the word “panties” after a certain age.

“I said ‘okay, then, underpants’,” she said. “She said that was worse, so I give up.”

Alma Murchin said she hates when she hears people over 50 use Internet slang like BRB. “Really, save that for the teens,” she said. Laura Hoffman said she can’t stand people to use old fashioned expressions like “another day another dollar!”

So what words don’t you like to hear or say? Here’s our list of nine words we believe you have no business saying over 50.

1. Totes. Unless you’re referring to that lovely large bag with two handles you’re carry on the plane with you.

2. Freakin’. Although “freakin’ a” is so much worse.

3. Hottie. Please only say this if you’re trying to order a toddy of some kind and not when you’re eyeing the sexy guy at the bar.

4. Smashed. This is what happened to the vase when the cat knocked it on the floor, not your state of inebriation after a night out with friends.

5. Girlfriend or boyfriend. Although I’m not sure what would replace it. Partner? Special friend? That guy who buys me nice jewelry?

6. LOL. If you say that to me, I’ll just GOL and tell you to BO.

7. Like. This vocalized pause only makes you seem unsure of yourself.

8. YOLO. “You only live once.” My 12-year-old daughter and her friends said this much of last year. It’s time for this trend to go away, especially if you’re over 50.

9. Rich or Sick. Do these mean the same thing? Don’t know and don’t care.

Guess I’m not as “cool” as I’d hoped!

 

A Question of Sexuality, DD, and Stormy

Since March is Question and Answer Month, and I have not opened myself to that so far (been way to busy getting spanked for questions and answers! ) I took a question from my last post to offer some answers and thoughts.

Sue asked:
A short time back you mentioned that you have learned that DD IS sexual, because once you lost your sexual desires you didn’t want to be spanked at all. In this post you also mention that your libido has affected it.

Yes Sue, my libido has been radically affected by a total surgical hysterectomy. That slammed me into what they call “surgical menopause’ which I assure you is not pretty! One of the many symptoms is a loss of libido and sexual responsiveness. It includes a complete disinterest in sex, spanking…pretty much anything along those lines. I was not “turned off”, but disconnected. It’s a very odd feeling. It truly felt as if someone had simply unplugged some part of me on the inside. And I guess they did.

Hormones have helped. Treatment for my anemia which was recently diagnosed has helped too. I am fatigued a lot. I do believe the fundamental interest in spanking has a sexual basis.

Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is. Getting spanked may not lead to sex, or even be remotely connected to it in each circumstance, but as a whole, it is a sexual activity. Whenever both mates are completely satisfied sexually, the marriage will be happier, which is why DD works for some…it’s how they find sexual satisfaction.

That’s where I would disagree. I do think an interest in spanking is a sexual fetish, but DD is much more than that. Unless you have lived the lifestyle 24/7, it’s hard to comprehend. Domestic Discipline is about a power dynamic implemented in a relationship that establishes a leader and a follower, that sets boundaries for behaviors, for interactions, for how a couple will integrate themselves together and how they as a team will interact with the world at large….how they will live. While many couples do use spanking as part of their DD arrangement, some do not. While some couples venture into heavier BDSM activities, some do not. While some husbands and wives have one or both partners with a true sexual fetish, with some couples, neither have that real fetish, but rather feel the overall gain of using spanking as a deterrent outweighs the negatives of using negative reinforcement (punishment) in their relationship. Even when I felt no sexual responsiveness on any level to the idea of spanking, I understood that the pain had its beneficial purpose.

However, once that sexual choice leads to anger and/or resentment, I believe that the sexual needs need to be put to the background and a more loving connection needs to take place, until the person sexually desires to return to the old arrangement.

You are speaking out of your own personal paradigm. You are in a relationship that includes sexual spanking, not domestic discipline. DD is a different animal. Every relationship weathers anger and resentment at times. I assure you, I was much angrier and much more resentful for the 20 years of our marriage before DD than the 8 years after with DD. Yes, we still disagree and sometimes fight. We happen to be a pretty passionate couple with two strong personalities. The price I (or we, because punishments are hard on Grant, too) pay now is a punishment spanking which is hard for us both but either resolves things or at very least brings ‘stuff’ quickly to a head. The alternative was and would be days, and at times weeks, of anger, sniping at each other, resentments brewing and not getting resolved.

In no way am I trying to be insulting or saying that you are wrong for anything that you do….that would not be my place, and besides, in reading your blog over the months, you seem very level-headed and not about to allow something to happen to you that is dangerous (as shown by the time that withdrawing consent was necessary). But I do worry about others.

I read these blogs because I have a sexual interest in spanking…sexually only, and no pain. My fiance and I see eye to eye on this desire and we do have fun with it. But some of the blogs that I read worry me so much. I notice that Stormy commented on here. Am I wrong to be worried for her? Since she commented on your blog, I thought that maybe you two are friends. I can’t go in to all the reasons why I’m worried for her (because it would take another hour to type it all out and I’m already getting way to wordy on here) but from her very first post to her very last one, it’s obvious that she has absolutely no sexual interest in spanking. Obviously her husband does. It’s great to try and accommodate your mate, but at what cost? I’ve never commented on her blog because I feel like I would be insulting, but I’m truly afraid that her situation borders on abuse at times. Please tell me I’m nuts and that there’s things I don’t know that if I did know I’d be perfectly happy with her situation. Or tell me that she talks to people and is getting help. Or tell me that it’s all made up. I just don’t want someone with her flair for life being stifled and/or abused.

It’s great that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on your sexual interest in spanking! Many feel the same way and feel that spanking enhances their love life in the bedroom. I’d like to again gently caution you to not judge when you have not walked in another’s shoes. You have no interest in a power exchange dynamic, nor have you been married for years, so you apparently can’t imagine why someone might feel the need for that, which is different from a need for spanking. You also can’t see how or why (from where you are in your life right now) a couple who’ve been married for many years and encountered severe strains on their marriage, might choose to do TTWD. It’s called TTWD…This Thing We Do, because each of us makes it our own, does it in our own way, according to our own needs and wants and desires and sensibilities.

I don’t like to discuss other bloggers on my blog. I think it’s inappropriate. I’m going to break that rule here in a generic way, frankly, because I approved the comment from my cell without reading it all through while I was in an airport. I thought your comment was about sexuality and DD and missed the Stormy part. Tsk…I need to be more careful!

No, I do not personally know Stormy. I have read her blog for a long time, and frankly, there was a time when I had some concerns for her that arose out of reading a couple of her posts. I have also been impressed with a sense of tremendous love and tenderness and care taking after reading some of her other posts. In every marriage that includes spanking I have seen people who are not perfectly matched in their interests in spanking, and in other things. Compromise is always a big part of any marriage! One thing I have learned in blog land is that we catch a snapshot of someone’s life, the one that they chose to share, often at a time when they are emotional and needing to vent, and at the end of it all, we only know one side of one story from our side of a computer screen. No one really knows what Stormy and her husband do, how they live, who they really are, but them. I have decided choose to think they are decent and responsible folks who love each other and are trying to find their way, just like the rest of us.

This uncertainty was certainly brought home to me by the feedback I got from a few people who were worried about me after my last series of posts. I am so far from an abused wife it is quite ridiculous! And frankly, it was hard to be thought of that way, most especially to hear my husband thought badly of. BUT…how can anyone know that for sure? I’d rather have people express their concerns than have none of us ever discuss spousal abuse, while it is such a common issue in the world at large.

Abuse is a terrible thing and we who practice DD can walk a fine line at times, maintaining and growing our inner voice and developing our inner selves in a positive and healthy way, while learning to submit to another. Our dominant partners walk a fine line as well, learning to exert their authority and control without abusing that authority, without doing harm, using their power to uplift and protect rather than subjugate and oppress. And not a one of us, with or without DD in our marriage, is perfect in our relationships all the time. We all make mistakes and do hurt the one we love most, whether it is physical or emotional. Intimacy between two people is not possible without occasional blunders and pain.

Ok, I’ve written enough…maybe I should start my own blog. Lol.

Maybe you should start your own blog Sue! I know you would be welcomed in this community!

If anyone has any other questions please let me know!

The Resolution: A New Place in Our DD Marriage

Where are we and what have we learned? First, I will share that we’re in a good place. It’s a different place, but a good one. The rules have changed a bit, because Grant changed them. And, I am really ok with that (Until he changes another. I might do some foot stamping again when, not if, he does that!). I don’t really like change because it’s harder to maintain my sense of balance (aka control), but I do understand that it is part of growth and without forward motion all things do and will decline.

There was a time in our DD venture that every step needed to be discussed beforehand, worked through, weighed and tried out. We were new and that’s how we did things. It’s better and safer that way, to have lots and lots of communication before trying new things. We’re past that place now. Our needs have changed. We’ve found that there’s enough groundwork of trust and understanding that we can just kind of go with the flow, and while new thing still feel new, they don’t always need to be negotiated. We don’t need to be so careful with each other in that way. Grant doesn’t have to be so careful with me. He reads me like a book. Our DD interactions are often intuitive and in the moment. I can handle that smoothly some of the time, and when I can’t, we work through it together.  I trust him.

Looking back, I now understand that we, Grant and Sara, needed a correction. We had drifted off course due to life events…my illness, Grant’s illness, and then a gentle new beginning of our DD. Except that, there was a lot that had changed, and we were not the same, neither of us individually or as a couple, and the transition from the old DD, the way things were, into a hiatus, into the new DD was not seamless at all.

I used to be very into spanking. I initiated DD and wanted it to work very badly in our marriage. I used to be very focused on pleasing Grant, meeting his expectations, following his lead. I thought hard about what was between us and tried to be the best (not very submissive) submissive wife I could be.

The faucet: No, he did not tell me it was a spanking offence in advance, but in retrospect, clearly I was not taking his requests seriously. I was not listening or paying attention. I used to be able to hear him better, I think. I doubt that two years ago I would have gone weeks and weeks (months?) being asked to do something and simply not get it done. He wouldn’t have had to spank me. It was about more than a faucet.

The morning spanking: it certainly was a rude awakening to be hauled back into the bedroom, hair done, make-up on, suit donned…work persona intact. My armor. Here’s the thing, Grant did what he did for a very specific reason. We’ve talked and he has explained it. I did not realize it, but I had begun to use my work, that persona, as a way to keep a distance between us. He felt quite simply that he needed to make an intervention. Working out what was between us in our marriage, getting through a punishment due, was more important than going to work, or messing my hair, or having to reapply makeup. It was very early. He knew he wasn’t making me late, and he knows I can flex any schedule anyway, because I am the boss at work. Because he is the boss at home, he can flex any schedule I have at home. He is very respectful of my work. He does not interfere with my work commitments. However, he felt an important issue between us needed to be resolved. It was about more than the right or wrong argument between us.

The contractor and “getting ready”: Grant never told me what to do to “get ready” for a spanking in the past because in going on eight years he never had to. I thought about what would help me process and I did it. I came up with a getting ready routine that included sitting to think, to focus, for punishment spankings. Apparently Grant valued this effort. I wanted DD to work for us so I worked at it. I realize now that I had stopped working on it, or maybe never restarted once we stopped.

Sometime in the last six months we went from recovery to recovered to a new beginning. That new beginning was tenuous because I knew he had been unable to be there for me when he was ill. I felt I needed to stand apart, to be on my own. I became pretty independent because it was what I needed to do. Later, giving up that freedom came admittedly with a small amount of regret. I missed him terribly. I missed the closeness in our marriage. I still wanted DD, but honesty, I also enjoyed not having to worry about what he wanted or expected. I liked not being as restricted by his ideas. I stayed within our basic rules myself, out of respect, but I also did my own thing.

When we agreed to begin again, it was Grant’s decision to take it all very slowly. In fact, sometimes he seemed to be taking forever, and I stopped worrying about it. I handed it over to him in a new and different way than I ever had before. Again, I just kind of did my own thing and told him to let me know when and how he wanted to reinitiate…things. And I waited. But this time the waiting was not anxious waiting but passive waiting. I am not so very much into spanking in the same way I was. (I think that’s a libido issue that may change with further healing.) I don’t stress when I’ve gone too long, when maintenance is forgotten, when a punishment is not delivered. Newer DD wives typically get anxious when he forgets and wonder what it all means. “Maybe he’s not so into DD?” they fret. I was not worried! I was FINE with whatever level he wanted to take this to. And I still am! I haven’t given tremendous focus to our rules. No, they are not written rules and never have been, but I know the expectations. DD for us has always been about respect, priorities….doing the “right” things. I can do TTWD in my sleep now…and maybe I kinda was?

I did sort of think a landscaper wasn’t a contractor, but now it has also occurred to me that I was so intent on getting this done fast, wanting it NOW, that I pushed aside the idea that he might object and just made the appointment. Some part of me knew there was a chance he wouldn’t like that. I didn’t care enough to not do it. I am not saying I made a conscious decision to be defiant. I am saying that I can now admit that my irritation at having to wait for him, and then defiance, was lurking somewhere in the back of my subconscious mind.

The old Sara most likely would have checked with Grant before making the appointment. I remember having an epiphany early in our DD marriage. If I asked myself “What would Grant think” before acting, it saved me a whole lot of grief. If I didn’t know the answer, I simply asked him before taking action. It feels, and is, restrictive at times, but that is all part of functioning as a couple not a sole person in this world. I have plenty of places where I do and am on my own, but not in our marriage. And while I don’t always agree with his boundaries, I understand and respect the motivations. He doesn’t want me meeting a contractor alone for the first time. He doesn’t want me to be ripped off or taken advantage of. He wants to make sure the guy is decent and respectful of me and our home. He is a protector, and he feels it is his job to screen people, to protect me. It’s not something that is ever going to change about my man, and the one thing he asked of me when we began DD, his one hard-line, non-negotiable, was that safety was 100% his call. I agreed to that, and can I just tell you it is mind-boggling how many things can come down to safety in an alpha male’s mind! Who knew???

The “corner time”: THAT was new. It was something we had toyed with in erotic play. But early on, in the first couple of years of DD, when I would send Grant people’s DD writings on this and that, or explain “some people do …corner time, write lines, are grounded…etc”, we talked about our feelings about what might work for us. Grant strongly objected to the concept of corner time. I didn’t feel one way or the other about it, but it was a hard-line for HIM. He said he thought it was humiliating and childlike, and he wasn’t doing anything like that to me. “Besides,” he said, “you spend way too much time in your head as it is. The last thing I want to do is to put you somewhere and leave you alone to think!” And he was right, for who I was, for who he was, for where we were…at that time.

Now…well he used it. Who knows where he came up with the idea last week. He says that we talked about it a year and a half ago, and I said it was something we should consider trying. I have absolutely no memory of that. However, as it happens, in that moment, when he did what he did, it was really the perfect thing to do.

Why? Because it was not until I began to take off my clothes that I experienced taking off my cover. That process of taking off my dress, my bra…(the panties were long gone)… functioned as the last piece to help me get real and come back to him. Standing naked in front of him is hard, but it is something I have been asked to do numerous times before and I have learned to do it. He loves my body and feels I should never be ashamed or shy in front of him. After all, he’s seen all of me for 33 years, watched me give birth to 3 babies. I think I’ll always be a bit shy…but I now can and do show myself to him.

In retrospect, standing there naked and alone for a few minutes allowed me to gather myself and begin a thinking process. And this time I needed to think. I became aware of how stripping off my clothes felt like stripping off the armor I was not even aware I was wearing. In the next day or so I processed what had happened that night, what had happened over the last 10 days, and realized that in numerous small ways I had been holding myself apart from Grant, going through the motions in my submission, and Grant had not been calling me on it. Maybe it took him time to get a handle on the issues too. And yes, in subtle ways I was using my work to stay very busy and to hold him off. I was maintaining my firm grip on a world where he can’t come and he has no say, as a way to maintain my independence. It’s hard to explain, because I won’t work any less hours, or dress any differently this week. It’s not always what you do but how you do it. I think that night when he came home to punish me, by staying dressed to the nines, and being there, supposedly following orders, yet not undressed at all, not in the bedroom but at my work computer, I was unconsciously communicating to Grant that he could spank me, but he was spanking the CEO, not his wife. His wife was unavailable.

As an analyst, I know there are always layers of meanings behind every action, every word. We are only conscious of the top few, and the rest stays hidden unless we do some digging. I don’t know that Grant consciously knew how I was defying him, standing up to him, but intuitively he felt it, and intuitively he came up with the idea that he needed to get me out of those clothes and naked and in the corner to get through to me, to create an event that would make me think, and pull me to my senses.

I don’t know all of why I was so disconnected with that submissive side of myself, but clearly I was, and clearly it was standing in the way of us moving past our last year and into the future of our marriage. It was preventing us from resuming DD in the way Grant wants us to, and believes we need to. I want that too. A couple of months ago, when he told me he was going to take things slow, he also told me he would let me know when and how he wanted to move forward. He told me a lot of that would depend on what he thought I and we needed. He said he’d be watching and he’d figure it out. I said “You’ll let me know?” He said “Yep, I will let you know.”

I now consider myself fully informed.

 

A Tail of Three Spankings – Part Three

I don’t really even want to write about this one. It’s been a good process for me to reflect and write, and it’s helped me to better understand what happened and why, but it leaves me feeling rather vulnerable. This incident more than the others, because it was the emotional breakthrough that I suppose Grant had been looking for from the start.

It’s odd how things can look so very different later, be so clear in retrospect, and how unaware one can be in the midst of it all. I’m frankly not used to being that person who can’t see what is happening around me, or within me. I am typically more self-reflective and aware. Not so this time. It took a big intervention…. (In three parts)…for me to wake up and understand what was happening, how I had been shutting Grant out while running at warp speed through my days. I made it all LOOK pretty, because I am good at that. What I mean is, I was pleasant, cooperative (the faucet aside), but just going through the motions, I guess.

I was so very angry at Grant after spanking number two, and after I indulged in that for a day, I knew from years of experience that I would have to find a way to make peace, because Grant believes what he believes and his mind wasn’t changing on the events and how he sees them. From the last post, as humorous as it was, he obviously holds to his HOH-ish perspective on his correctness. He doesn’t always. He is very very stubborn and consistent and hard to pull off his chosen course, but he will hear my side and at times, admit he is wrong. This time we simply have to “agree to disagree”. (Which by the way will irritate him to read as much as it did the last time I penned that phrase.) He still believes he is right, and can’t believe I don’t get it. I still believe I am right, and yeah, I might be a tad stubborn myself, and I just won’t give lip service to agreement. That’s lying.

BUT, I also believe there were other things, relationship issues, historical events, anxieties and ‘stuff’ that was mixed in, and I don’t at all resent him anymore for doing what he did. How can I? I have entrusted myself and our marriage to his keeping. I have consented to discipline as he sees fit. I know he takes that so very seriously, that he loves me to distraction, and that he is a man of such integrity and ethic that I cannot doubt for one second that he did things as he felt he needed to, for me and for us.

I also learned if I am going to sneak out of the house in the early morning I need to get better at it!

So…spanking # 3. I decided to extend an olive branch. I texted him on day two after the morning ambush asking if he’d like to meet for a drink after work. We agreed that I would contact him when I finished my last meeting of the day, which would be around 5/5:30. I did just that and he texted back, inquired about the success of my meeting, said he was glad things had gone well, that he was also on his way home, and would be about 20 minutes. He added that unfortunately I was now due “a P” for the email I had sent him during the day, and he wanted to get that out of the way, and then we could go out after that.

Huh? I texted:

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You made an appointment with the landscaper. We have an agreement.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Seriously. We’ll talk when I get home.”

I had offered this man an olive branch, after an awful spanking just two days ago when he was wrong, worked hard to wrap my mind around it and not hold a grudge, and THIS is what he does with it?

AAAAGGHHH

I was flummoxed. I had told him I wanted to get a landscaper in to help with some work this Spring, as I just can’t do it all myself anymore due to my back issues. He agreed. I got a referral from the guy who mows our lawn, emailed it to Grant, and with Grant’s approval, contacted the landscaper. Historically, I ‘do’ the outside; I handle the gardens, the design, the planting, and the weeding. It’s my thing. When the landscaper emailed back and said he could come on Saturday morning at 10 am, I said “OK” knowing Grant would be out-of-town. But, I thought (silly me) that Grant would be fine with it because it was just a first consult, because our 20-year-old son would be home, because we would just be discussing design. Then the guy would have to come back, present a proposal, which of course I would make sure Grant was present for, and we would decide if we wanted to use the services and Grant could deal with the prices, etc. You see that is his thing. He doesn’t want anyone working on our property that he doesn’t approve of. He believes I am gullible with contractors, and he has decreed for years that I am not allowed to deal with any work on the house alone. I do the design, he deals with the contractors…making it happen.

I couldn’t stand it and called him:

“Grant, a P… What are you talking about?”

“Yes, a P. I am talking about the email you sent me today.”

“I SENT it to you so you will be fully informed!”

“You did, and I appreciate that! You also set up a meeting with a contractor on a day when I will be out-of-town.”

“We’re going to talk about design. I will show him the property and discuss what I envision, and then he’ll come back with a proposal which he will send to you. You’ll meet him and decide if we’ll use his services.”

“You set up a meeting with a contractor without me.”

“He’s a LANDSCAPER!”
“Is a landscaper a contractor?”

“No, he’s a landscaper!”

“And we have an agreement about contractors don’t we?”

“He’s a landscaper.”

“Is he going to present us with a contract to sign?

“Well, yes but…”

He interrupted, “Then he’s a contractor.”

“Grant, ok, technically he’s a contractor, but it’s different. He’s a landscaper and he’s just going to…”

“Sara, stop. Therein lies your problem. Anytime you find yourself saying to me ‘technically’ you’ve already lost your argument. I love you and I don’t want to argue. Just go home and get ready. I’ll be there shortly.”

I wanted to bang my head against the steering wheel. Why are men so black and white? The whole contractor thing is silly from my perspective anyway. I deal with all manner of people and contractors in my work world, but at home I am not allowed to call an electrician for a faulty switch. It’s one of those things I just do his way because it is important to him, and I’ve tried to reason for years. He’s not flexible on the issue. And I really went out of my way to be sure I checked in with him and forwarded every email to him and kept him in the loop and had his permission. And this is not painting, or sheet rock, or electric or plumbing. It’s landscaping. The garden…my ‘thing’!

So, I drove home. Whatever. Half mad half just resigned. We’re so not on the same page and haven’t been. I don’t know what he’s thinking, I don’t understand, and I am tired of fighting too. If he wants to spank me he will, and then we’ll go out for that drink or we won’t, and I just give up.

I was very dressed up because the meeting I’d come from was with an important one requiring that. I drove home. “Get ready?” OK. I was ready…resigned. I sat down at the kitchen table and went to check work emails. I’d been out of the office for the afternoon and figured I’d take the 15 minutes alone to catch up, and it would be a good distraction.

When he walked in my back was to the door but I turned and said “Hi” just as I hit send.

He just looked at me. He was silent. Finally:

“What are you doing?”

“Checking a few emails…….why?”

He got an angry look on his face.

“You’re checking emails? You’re just sitting there checking emails?”

“Well yes. You weren’t home yet. You said you’d be 15 minutes.”

“You’re still wearing your boots for God’s sake. You haven’t even taken your suit jacket off?”

“What is the problem? You told me to go home and wait for you and I did.”

“I told you to get ready!”

“I AM ready!”

His jaw hardened. His eyes narrowed.

“I can’t believe you. I am just too angry right now. I need a few minutes. Go get ready right now!”

I stood up. My stomach dropped. But when my fight or flight kicks in, the more vulnerable I feel the more likely I am to fight, to put up a good front. I went toe to toe with him:

“I AM ready! What exactly does your version of “get ready” mean?” I was starting to tear up out of frustration and confusion, and desperately trying not to. “We have no set ‘get ready’ rules Grant. There is no routine we’ve agreed to! If you want something specific you’re going to have to actually tell me that, because I don’t know what you want from me!”

“Get off your computer and go in the bedroom. At least take off your boots and lose the jacket!”

He stalked away. He was really angry and I was truly confused and now getting angry too. I had been ready to take a spanking over a stupid landscaper and I hoped it wouldn’t be too big a deal…and he hadn’t seemed angry when we talked earlier. I went into the bedroom and took off the high-heeled black boots and jacket as requested, stripped off my stockings, and just stood there in my grey business dress.

He came in, grabbed that awful paddle and sat in his chair and glared at me. I crossed my arms and glared back at him. Toe to toe.

“Now why weren’t you in here waiting for me again?”

“I don’t know! Because I decided to wait out there!”

“You know what you’re supposed to do!”

“No, I DON’T know what I am supposed to do! You have always said “get ready” and I have always done whatever I decided I needed to do to ‘get ready’. You’ve left that to me for eight years and now you want something specific? Well you will have to share that with me if you want that, and I’ll do what you decide, but you can’t expect what you don’t tell me!”

“You always go into the bedroom and at least take something off, and you usually sit on the bed, take time to think and get your head together. Think and prepare.”

“I usually have done that, but not always, and because I chose to all by myself. You have never once made any rule or expressed any expectation about what I do. You left that up to me. So for you to now be angry that I am dressed, or not waiting in some particular way, is completely unfair! You are changing things, having expectations, without telling me and I can’t read your mind!”

I was near to losing it with upset, confusion, and anger. It felt like our DD world was tilting.

Grant stopped the debate, “Just get over my lap!”

I am sure the spanking was worse than he had planned on his way home, and I was crying almost before he started from sheer frustration and anxiety. I really hate to disappoint him, to make him angry, and I felt like my grip on our world, his expectations, and any sense of control had slipped away from me. There was a lot of talking…his…in between the spanking, and I just remember my feelings of losing a handle on what we were doing, what I was supposed to be doing. He spanked and I cried. A lot. And when he let me up he did something he has never ever done before. He told me he wanted me to remove all of my clothing and go stand in the corner. My fight was gone and my capacity to process minimally intact. I just did what I was told. He quietly left the room while I stood there crying.

I am sure he didn’t leave me for very long…a few minutes maybe? I heard him walk quietly across the carpet. He softly put his hand on my shoulder as he came up behind me and gently pressed his body to mine from behind. I could feel the warmth of his body through his clothes, next to my skin.

He said quietly:

“I want you to tell me what’s in that head of yours. What are you thinking?”

“I don’t even know.”

“Talk to me.”

“I’m afraid to say anything. I don’t know if something I say will make you upset with me.”

He threw the paddle that I did not even know he was holding away from us, onto the bed. He pressed himself against me, holding me from behind, his hands on my shoulders.

“The spanking is over. You can say anything you want to. Just talk to me.”

“I…I am not sure I can be who you want me to be. I feel like you resent the part of me that needs to do my work, who I am ‘out there’. I know you try to be supportive, but I feel like in some ways you want to hold me back. I’m not sure you like or want that other part of me. But…she is a real part of me too, and I don’t know how to handle that, what to do with all of this between us.”

“Do you really feel that I don’t accept and love all of you? That I’m not so very proud of you?”

“No, I know you are. You’ve told me. You really have been supportive, most of the time. But sometimes… Well I know it’s very hard for you at times. What I am doing. But I can’t give that part of myself up.”

“You need to listen to me and really hear me. I am very proud of you, all the things you do, and most especially of all your success. I am 100% behind you, and will be right here behind you with anything that you need to do. You need to not doubt me in this, to accept what I am telling you and believe me.”

“Ok, I do believe you…can I just get into bed?”

He helped me into bed and then he undressed, spooned behind me and just held me while I settled and drifted. We lay like that for a very long time.

“You know it’s not easy being married to a whirlwind.”

“I know”, I whispered.

“Sometimes I need to get out my old rope, lasso you, and pull you back in.”

His arms were wrapped around me and he held me tight.

“Just don’t ever let me whirl away from you. I need to know you’ve got me.”

“Nope, that will never happen! I’ve always got you.”

I have figured out most of what happened between us, what these three spankings were really about. What is clear above all is that marriage and DD is an ever evolving dynamic, and what you think you know and have will shift and change with the events and circumstances, with the times of your lives, I’m thinking for as long as you continue to do TTWD. We’ve talked a lot, and writing these posts has helped me to think and helped us to sort through and communicate better. I’ll share that tomorrow…the resolution and where we are today.

The HOH Speaks – Spanking # 2

I appreciate all your comments and, of course, your kindness to Sara and me.

Also, as we all know, there are two sides to every story. Each of us has our own world view through which we see each other’s motivations, or, through which we do not see those motivations.

In some cases, there are 5 sides to every story.

Hold on, I think I’ve got this.

Just a couple of notes:

Actually, a faucet is just a faucet in this case. The kitchen faucet was broken…I waited for a design choice. I waited long enough to buy the faucet myself–after Sara agreed for me to buy it. She did not like the design I bought–no problem–you buy one, ok? Yes.

Although a faucet is just a faucet in this case, a Yes was not a Yes.

Oh, consequences, such untidy, inconvenient little things. They appear out of nowhere and only God knows how they got here, right in the middle of my busy life…

Also,

for ladies alarmed at the “before work” activities, don’t be alarmed.

1) If you read my last comment, you will see how I regard change. No matter what we do, change will come whether we like it or not. However, sometimes change needs to be brought down upon (that includes me of course) for us to see the necessity of change.

In this case CHANGE needed capital letters. It was necessary for the health of our relationship, for the health of my children and for the health of the universe in general. Don’t thank me, it’s my job.

2) If you squirm enough and yell enough and carry on enough, that paddle can miss the point, as one might say, and yes, cause a bruise. This is not an excuse, because in my world, bruising is never acceptable, physically or emotionally; and although I am writing this comment with a bit of humor, it is serious business after all.

Please do not think I am laughing–I just want what I say to be palatable.

3) Please do not get the wrong impression as far as Sara’s and my business are concerned. We have partnered on dozens of business deals for many years. No debate necessary.

4) Border Control Agency:

“We regret to inform you that borders will be strongly protected
to ensure the safety and welfare of our citizens. Those violating
protocol will be charged with a misdemeanor and will appear
before a judge who also will be held accountable for his actions”

Have a nice day,

Grant

A Tail of Three Spankings – part two

This is where Domestic Discipline gets dicey, where real life and real marriage, can sometimes be anything but pretty.

Spanking number two was ridiculous. I was already a little befuddled because he had spanked me over a broken faucet, which then somehow turned into a change in our ‘DD Deal’, our terms of engagement. The terms are loose, flowing. We’ve never had (or wanted) a “DD Contract” per se. We talk and grow and change. And I guess sometimes we change and then we talk? We have a non written but well and often discussed DD agreement.

I actually don’t hold it against him that he spanked and then talked. Ok, so he could have told me first, but I accepted the spanking with some attempt towards graceful (after I argued, of course). And after thinking about it, I agree he has a real point. I am not a child. I do know what he wants. And he doesn’t ask me to do things unless he does really want me to do them, unless it’s important to him. He doesn’t micro-manage. He’s always said he’d rather have my cooperation than my obedience, although he’ll take my obedience if it’s all he can get. Meaning, if I agree, if I accept and follow, it makes things nicer for us. If I have an issue, he’ll usually hear me out, sometimes even change his position. However, If it’s important to his way of thinking and he puts his foot down, if he demands my obedience, he’ll get it…eventually, one way or the other. He’d rather not have to demand my compliance. I understand, and would rather not be ordered around either. If you’re going to agree to dance, it’s nicer and considerably more pleasant to be able to dance gracefully than to be dragged around the dance floor!

But this event, spanking number two was a doozy, and it came not a week after a spanking over a broken faucet, and frankly I was completely furious! This was a big bad OTK spanking AGAIN, that he AGAIN dragged me into (not literally but mentally). In fact, he caught me quietly leaving for work at about 7 am and insisted he spank me right then and there. He just NEVER ever spanks me in the morning before work! I was dressed, heels, coat on, travel mug in hand…and had to go back into the bedroom for a spanking! Talk about a brain twist! Sigh….

And he was WRONG! I was totally sure in my mind that he was wrong. We keep work and home separate or our marriage gets too confusing. And I must keep my role as work boss and my role as submissive wife separate or all sorts of confusion and chaos results. He doesn’t interfere with my work…ever. This is a hardline for me. He agrees. But we both get tripped up at times by the space between who we are out in the world and our marriage dynamic. I’ve been feeling for a while that he resented my time at work, my busy schedule, my focus on other things. He says it is not at all true, but two careers puts a strain on a marriage and I think right now we are a bit out of sync with our life stages. We’re dealing with the timing of things like work and retirement and the transitions between the two. Kids moving out, moving away, getting married, menopause….This is truly not easy stuff.

I followed him back into the bedroom. I don’t say no. Yes is yes, and DD can’t be a seesaw of ongoing decision-making. You consent or you don’t. And I feel it’s a matter of honor, of keeping my word. Discipline and punishment is 100% his decision. But that does not mean I won’t disagree or argue, and at times tell him how completely wrong and misguided and unfair he was!

I did argue my way all the way though this one, sometimes with words. Thoughts I dared not say out loud and total internal resistance took over. Of course he knew that, could read me…which is perhaps what made it such a terrible spanking. BUT…I won’t lie and pretend submission when I think he’s being a … well, you get the idea. I felt misunderstood, disrespected, unfairly doubted. And I could not wrap my mind around him doing this to me, treating me so poorly. In the moment that is exactly how it felt. It was all a terrible mistake and he just would or could not hear me. And he just kept spanking!

The spanking was awful. I was a little bruised (which has not happened in years) and sobbing by the end. When he finally let me up, I pulled my winter white designer slacks up from around my ankles, flung out, “I f’ing HATE you!” and locked myself in the bathroom. Um, yeah. It was not my best moment.

I always tell the truth here, and yes, it actually went down like that. And, he did not come after me. I cried into a towel for a bit, collected myself, grabbed some under eye cover up out of my make-up kit which I simply threw in my coat pocket, and got out of Dodge. I managed to leave for work without seeing him again. Can I say this was one time I was thankful for very my chilly leather car seats in the wintertime? That night I had an after-work appointment and the anger between us lived on. He went out too. Nothing was resolved. We were barely speaking the next day. On rare occasion, a spanking does not cure-all. When there are underlying issues a spanking is just a spanking. We argued some through text and were distant and polite in person. He was still angry too, and I told him that was unfair. He doesn’t get to punish me and stay angry.

I began a new post. As a way to process, to work my way through my anger and back towards my erring husband who I do love even when he’s wrong, I began to finally write a response to Saoirse’s series of posts that begins with: “When The HoH is Wrong” . I somehow hoped to work out my anger and resentment and come to terms with the fact that our HOH’s are not always right or perfect. And they are not. Half of that post was written. It’s now been deleted. I’ll get to it, but again, sometimes in the midst of being sure he’s wrong…just sometimes mind you, he’s not. It took me a while to figure out all the things he had not said but could have, or what I had not heard. It took me some time to read between the lines and figure out what had happened.

This time it was complicated because it had to do with his work and my work and mixing that up and a basic lack of communication. I don’t even think I can explain it all in a way that would make sense, but he thought I had not told him something in a timely manner and I felt I had waited until we had time and I was of a mind to talk. Because it was a work issue, because it related to and involved my work, I judged that it could wait. He feels because it also involves his business interests, his work, that I should have contacted him immediately, and in not doing so, he believed I withheld from him. We still disagree to this day about the details and facts, and when and where work spilled over into a relationship issue.

What I do understand now that I did not then was the current of disconnects and disregard between us that made the facts look so different to each of us from where we stood, which was far apart. There are times when a faucet is not just a faucet and an action or lack there-of carries weight and meaning far beyond the apparent facts of the case. Grant was all about my not including him in a decision, where I was all about the choices being mine to make, as they were work related. The real issue is that we were apart in many more substantial ways. Our power exchange was interrupted and off kilter, and this happened to be the incident that the issue was being played out around.

I think, now, in retrospect, the real issues are that I was/am post-surgery recovery from last year and immersed in work. Grant also went through a time when he was unable to be actively engaged. Our DD dynamic is just getting back on its feet. I am not driving it and not even focused on it (or wasn’t) and was feeling pretty comfortable that way. Grant made sure I was very uncomfortable sitting for the next day or so which certainly fueled my anger, but yes, also shook me up and got me thinking. Mostly I was thinking awful things about him, but at least I WAS thinking about him, and about us, which in truth, I guess I had not been for a while. Not with the same focus I and he were used to, pre-illness.

It’s very comfortable to just do your own thing. It’s easier. We were getting along, going on dates. I was working hard on myself…my health, and at work. It’s easier to not always be asking yourself “What would my husband think?” However, it does not make for the most integrated or connected marriage. It’s not good for intimacy. But…it’s easy.

I think Grant’s decision and message is we’re done with recovery and done with easy.

Spanking number three happened just 2 days later. OMG…the man was on a roll! And, having not figured things out yet, I was flummoxed, shocked, and could NOT believe he was in the WRONG again!

But…I’ll save part three for next time.

A Shout and A Pout

After my post yesterday, and the comments, the comments from the guys…geez. I need to interrupt my regularly scheduled next post to pout. I mean seriously guys….Mr. BB, Bas, Mick and Grant! This is no walk in the park ya know!

I don’t LIKE change! Things were working just fine for ME. And who made you…him…Grant…HOH anyway? Ok, that would have been me, but that was then and this is now and I’d don’t like it anymore. At least not right now.

I realized last night that I am not taking to these changes as seamlessly as I had thought. I am, well, I’m mad. I don’t LIKE change. Have I mentioned that? And I don’t LIKE new rules (that aren’t even really rules bc they’re not clear, not spelled out). What, you say? ” ‘Do what I tell you to do!’ is clear enough and also constitutes a rule.”?

No, that is a decree, an edict, a…well…just sayin’, for the record…

I don’t like it!

I told Grant this morning. He made me tell him what was wrong, and then
he said, basically, “Too bad.”

Let’s put it to a vote, shall we?

Beauty

Beast

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phew! Well, I’m glad we got that settled!