The IRS Goes Kinky
The IRS. They finally came for me. A month ago I got the dreaded letter in the mail. They decided to audit me. Why not throw in just a little end of the year fun to add a twist?
The classic image I had of the IRS auditor was totally on target. He was 60-ish, and a numbers geek. Tall and thin, hair a bit too long, clothes a bit disheveled in a ‘Columbo’ sort of way. He more or less tried to be nice, but having no real social skills, and his job assignment to try to trip me up on something, try to catch me in a lie from 2007, it fell a bit flat. He was also enough of a bureaucrat that he secretly enjoyed the position of temporary authority over me that his IRS ID tag loaned him.
I presented as I am, a 52-year-old business woman, conservatively dressed, sharp, but respectful and ladylike. Looks can be deceiving! 
So I sat there in my accountants office for 2 and a half hours on Monday morning last week being asked things like “How much cash did you have on hand on Jan 1st 2007 at 12:01 am?” At first I thought, ‘He’s got to be kidding right?’ I barely remember last week let alone 2007! ‘Breathe’ I told myself. He’s just trying to figure out if I have a stash of hidden cash, maybe $10,000.00 in my panty drawer? “I probably had about $ 14.00.” I figured I might have $ 4.00 in my wallet of I was lucky, and $10.00 in the kitchen money pot for kid’s lunch money.
The highlight of the interview, though, was when he tried to lighten the moment with a joke. He prefaced this by announcing that he would tell a joke. “So I was auditing this Chinese lady…and then I said, ‘I won’t bring out the handcuffs right now….later if I have to’. You should have seen her face!”
My very nice, passive, rotund and also a bit geeky accountant laughed because when the IRS man tells a joke you do that. The IRS guy laughed too, because he had amused himself. I smiled, and bit back several retorts, thinking “Handcuffs…how very interesting! Gentlemen, you have no idea, do you?” I love secrets!
OK, so the fact that the representative of our US Federal Government told a joke with racist, sexist not to mention hostile undertones is entirely beside the point. The idea that the threat of handcuffs was not exactly a threat helped to keep me calm and amused!
Grateful For The Years
Sometimes, perspective is everything. Gratitude is a very important part of my life. It is a cultivated world view that I believe has contributed hugely to my happiness. One of the disappointments of my recent malaise is that I was unable to feel what I knew I should. While I intellectually registered many wonderful things around me, even amongst the varied messes a life as full as mine presents, I was unable to feel the pleasure or the gratitude for the riches surrounding me.
First and foremost is my husband. This week Grant turned 58 years old. I have teased him that I have no idea how I ended up with an ‘older man’, but that is beside the point. I am sure he was not nearly as old when we met, but somehow, here we are. It appears we have grown together into a Spring/Autumn romance. I don’t mind. A full head of silvery salt and pepper hair can be distinguished and sexy (on a man)!
I find older men are more confident and often wise. They can tend towards traditional (he has asked me not to call him ‘old fashioned’) in an endearing way…. authoritative, respectful, and appreciative of feminine wiles while steady under fire. 58 yr olds might move a bit slower, but apparently become more perceptive and can think faster than the less experienced younger versions of themselves. Or maybe after all these years he has me figured out?
My husband has always been a harder man on the outside. In his maturity he has grown sure enough of who he is, and we are, to be soft with me. He is a man of uncommon integrity and goodness. He is also goofy and romantic, bombastic and sentimental, uniquely himself. The best part is he is mine, my mate.
This will be the 30th birthday we have celebrated together and I feel so grateful to have this man in my life, for what we have made together, for him and who he is. Happy Birthday Grant!
Surfacing
I am really pushing myself here tonight. I am going to try very hard to come out of hiding. I miss you all. I miss writing. I miss reading. I have been struggling and somehow have not had the energy, neither the emotional or mental space, to reach beyond my immediate world. It has been all I could do to handle myself, my family, my work, my day to day life.
Many people have told me over the years that they feel ashamed of any sort of psychological difficulty. If not personally ashamed, at very least they feel a need to hide it from the world for concern of what friends or employers or even their family might think. I am not going to do that. As both a trained mental health professional and as a person who suffers from depression, I believe it is something that is important to talk about. If I had diabetes, high blood pressure, or a virus there would be no shame. Because I have an inherited chemical imbalance that caused an intermittent mood disorder called clinical depression, I should feel I need to hide that? No. That’s just not my way. Someone needs to speak up, so it might as well be me.
Thankfully, I have not been depressed for many years. My depression is completely under control and managed with a medication. I know the signs and watch myself carefully, and have really had no issues for a long time. I think this time it started as situational. With the legal loss, echoes of parent loss, many life changes, and intense extended family pressures, I just finally became overwhelmed, run down and finally depression set in. The good news is I know enough to not let myself sink, and with a my awareness and a quick medication adjustment, about 10 days later I am more or less back to myself. At very least I am no longer clinically depressed.
True depression is very painful. It is hard to describe if you have never experienced it. There are feelings of intense vulnerability, angst and self doubt. The psychic pain can be quite simply horrible. For the past several weeks I have been unable to speak here. I felt like I had nothing of value to offer. I have also not read much elsewhere and have been more or less unable to comment. When most people are depressed their walls go up to protect themselves and others. Spreading doom and gloom is not helpful or attractive. I have been frustrated with my lack of ability to get a grip, to hold onto a positive outlook, my usual optimism and good spirit. When you are depressed, parts of yourself can become unavailable. I have not felt good, thus not felt good about myself, and hardly wanted to share that headspace. If you pick up a pair of very dark sunglasses and slip them on, your world is instantly shaded. With depression, your world goes grey too. Thank God for modern science and medications!
Anyway, that’s my story. I know some have wondered where I suddenly disappeared to, and a few kind friends have emailed. I hope you will understand and forgive my silence. I am relieved to mostly be back to my real self. I am still distracted by too many real life dramas, pulled at by work pressures, and pretty stressed, but my dark shades are set aside and I am able to at least begin to open up some again. I am going to try very hard to get back to regular posting. It feels good to be back!
Happy Thanksgiving
Your comments were lovely, heartwarming, wise, and remind me of how much I am part of a cyber community of such fine and caring friends. Thank you. It means more than you know.
I just can’t seem to be able to bring myself to talk about what is going on right now. I have tried and can’t quite manage. I guess I won’t then, until I can. I am OK, though. I am not online much, not reading blogs or commenting, but I do think of you all every day, and for certain, I will be back!
On a happier note, life has been busy here. I am home and baking today and thought I might share a few recipes. We had talked a while ago about cake recipes. I am baking these today:
Pumpkin Pie
Ingredients:
- 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
- 2 cups canned pumpkin, mashed
- 1 cup sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1 egg plus 2 egg yolks, slightly beaten
- 1 cup half-and-half
- 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) melted butter
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger, optional
- 1 piece pre-made pie dough
- Whipped cream, for topping
Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Place 1 piece of pre-made pie dough down into a (9-inch) pie pan and press down along the bottom and all sides. Pinch and crimp the edges together to make a pretty pattern. Put the pie shell back into the freezer for 1 hour to firm up. Fit a piece of aluminum foil to cover the inside of the shell completely. Fill the shell up to the edges with pie weights or dried beans (about 2 pounds) and place it in the oven. Bake for 10 minutes, remove the foil and pie weights and bake for another 10 minutes or until the crust is dried out and beginning to color.
For the filling, in a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese with a hand mixer. Add the pumpkin and beat until combined. Add the sugar and salt, and beat until combined. Add the eggs mixed with the yolks, half-and-half, and melted butter, and beat until combined. Finally, add the vanilla, cinnamon, and ginger, if using, and beat until incorporated.
Pour the filling into the warm prepared pie crust and bake for 50 minutes, or until the center is set. Place the pie on a wire rack and cool to room temperature. Cut into slices and top each piece with a generous amount of whipped cream.
Apple Pecan Pie
Delicious two layer apple pecan pie. Apples tossed in sugar, nutmeg, flour, cinnamon and lemon juice make up the bottom layer of this inverted pie. Pecans and brown sugar make up the beautiful top. Perfect pie for a fall or winter dinner party.Ingredients:
1/4 cup Butter, softened
1/2 cup Pecan Halves
2/3 cup Brown Sugar
Pastry for 2 crust pie
6 cups sliced Baking Apples
1/2 cup Sugar
2 tablespoons Fresh Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon All-Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon Nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon Salt
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 450 F.
2. Spread butter on bottom and sides of glass pie plate. Arrange pecans on bottom and sides or pie plate.
3. Sprinkle brown sugar over top of pecans and press to hold pecans in place.
4. Roll out bottom crust. Allow for enough dough to over hang pie plate ½”. Place crust in pie plate over sugar and pecans.
5. In a medium-mixing bowl, combine apples, sugar, lemon juice, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.
6. Pour apple filling into piecrust.
7. Roll out top crust. Place over apple pie filling and seal edges with bottom crust.
8. Prick top crust with fork.
9. Bake 10 minutes, then lower oven to 350 F and bake additional 40-45 minutes.
10. Remove from oven.
11. When pie filling stops bubbling, place serving plate over pie and invert.
12. Carefully remove pie pan.
13. Serve warm.
Would anyone else like to share some baking favorites?
Grant and I wish you the very best Thanksgiving Holiday. We are cooking at home and spending ours with people we love, and for that we are ever so thankful!
Finding Courage
I have been feeling awful. So much so that it has threatened to suck me down into myself, and most days this week have been a struggle to get through, doing the things I must, trying to stay afloat. I see my pain reflected in my husband’s eyes. He wants to do something to save me from a real life trauma that cannot be fixed or changed. I try to look OK for him, but I cannot be OK, inside, and he knows this, and he hurts too.
So yesterday I borrowed an idea from a friend and baked her lemon pound cake recipe. My boys looked dubiously at me in the kitchen surrounded by flour and mess, “What’s wrong Mom?” It is a family joke that unless it is a Holiday, if Mama is baking, she’s upset. “Nothing’s wrong! Can’t a woman bake a cake for her boys without a reason?” I lied. They know too. I am told I am a horrible liar. Everything I feel and think is written on my face before the words are out. I don’t play poker.
Trapped, I explained to our older son, who had been away for a week and somehow missed the news, I lost round one of the law suit filed againts me by my father’s wife over his estate. It is being appealed and I am assured we will prevail, as we truly are not only in the right, but I am told, in keeping with the law. I don’t even think it is the loss that has me overwhelmed. It is the realization that this hell that descended upon me when my father died is not going away anytime soon. This will be in my life for another year, maybe many years to come. It is long and complicated, but in a nut shell, I am being sued on my father’s behalf, and not of my doing. The massive legal fees have wiped out all our savings and mean my children will go to college on loans. We had worked so hard had saved for a very long time to live a different way.
I feel like my life is being taken over by living my father’s life for him, after his death. “The sins of the father…” I loved my father and I miss him. In the midst of this war I have barely had time to mourn. He was many wonderful things, but in the end he could not find the strength to deal with this woman he admitted he married in error, and he left his mess to me. I and my family have been under attack since. I feel trapped. I feel wronged. I feel like I have been sucked into the middle of insanity and greed and the parts of life I want no part of. I want desperately to get away and there seems to be no escape. It’s an ugly business, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. And then what do good people do?
So…I took a break from the blog because I could think of nothing to say. Who wants to hear about this? I stopped IM-ing with friends. I read some good novels and I baked. Then I ate cake. It didn’t help at all. Today is Sunday, a new day and a new week, and somehow I have to find the strength to get my act together. Neither despair or cake will change this.
I found some inspirational quotes to help move myself along:
Our society is so caught up in winning, we forget that most of the great men and women in history have, at one time or another, failed at something. Often repeatedly, and discouragingly. But each failure is nothing more than a brick in the wall that forms the foundation of our success. We can’t forget that. — Carlton Young.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says… I’ll try again tomorrow. — Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey.
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself. ~Michel de Montaigne
I think my personal religion is mostly about getting up each day and reaching towards the light. Looking at each day as many choices present, and choosing to do and be the best I can. So somehow I will search inside for that courage mentioned above and keep on keeping on. I guess, in the end, that is what it is all about, and it is the best I can do.
Rules Are Overrated!
So, about that exercise…Well, here’s the thing. I really truly do not want to do it. I understand why it is important. I agree I should. I know it is the only way to assure good health and longevity. I hate doing it. Actually, I think I hate it in theory more than in reality. I don’t mind doing it as long as my mind is occupied. Listening to good upbeat music gets me through it without much stress, once I am there and on the machine. Getting myself there is taking a true internal battle each and every day. Now it is a rule, something I do need to think about daily, which both helps but also complicates things. It helps in that I must make it happen, it complicates things because I can’t just blow it off and I am not (yet) comfortable with it. The thing is, this exercise routine, the battle and the rules are nothing new for me.
This started with back problems and a need to lose weight, which dovetail. The weight did not cause the problems but it sure did exacerbate it. I am at a good weight now. Sure, I could lose a few more pounds, and I am on the way there, but that is not a big deal. The big deal is the discs and what it takes to keep them healthy-ish. I have damage and chronic pain. In the short and long run, regular exercise helps a lot. And it helps everything else as well. It will keep me young and active, less stressed, and make the systems run smoother and longer. ALL the studies say so. So why are we a world of fat sedentary people who die sooner than we should and otherwise would? Because we pretend we do not know what medical science tells us, because we are lazy, because denial is much more fun than facing what it takes to have what we all want: a good, healthy and long life. So…I know this, and yeah, I will do it. My mind gets it, but in my heart, I still don’t want to.
The other issue is a Dd one. In the summers things are much looser for us. Grant and I are not together all the time. He’s at our mountain place and I am at home near my work. I go back and forth, but routines and things like scheduled exercise typically go out the window. I don’t have my elliptical there. I try to walk, and generally, it being the summer, I just do get more exercise, but it is all haphazard. When we come back, the shift into our routines is a bit sticky for me. We are together, he expects certain things again, and the transition back to living with more attention and oversight is a mixed bag. I love the attention, and miss it when it wavers. I don’t always love the oversight. I don’t particularly like being told what to do. I suppose at some level I need it within our relationship or we would not have organized ourselves this way…although I think, perhaps, our dynamic might have more to do with his need to direct as my need to be directed. He has always been of this ilk, and I always resisted. Now, I comply. I am not one of these women who need to be generally directed in my life. It’s more that for us to be compatible, we needed to sort out a power dynamic together. Grant in charge works best because of who he is. But it’s not always easy for me (I know, not for him either). Other women get to go to work and be responsible there, and then let their health slide, spend too much money, curse like a sailor, drive their car fast and on empty, and leave their front door unlocked. Ok, so maybe put that way it doesn’t sound all that attractive, but it does sound blessedly irresponsible and just sometimes….
Among other things Grant has said about this, aside from I have to because it is an important health issue and “because he says so”, he also insists I asked him for his help with this. I am very sceptical. I have no memory of this conversation. Really! What might have possessed me? Was this one of those mid- spanking talks and I said “I’ll need your help?” Spankees say things, sounding very sincere, to get spankers to stop spanking! I mean common…take it with a grain of salt! Maybe it’s a good thing he has “because I say so” to fall back on.
My higher self knows the whole thing has to do with a mindset of self-awareness, short-term and long-term. How will my behaviors affect me and us? What is the best, smartest, most responsible way to do things? It is not that I cannot handle deciding for myself. Rather I think it is that when someone who loves you stands back and looks more objectively at your situation and the choices you make, he may desire for you and require of you the best you can do, with less laziness and denial clouding his vision. The fact that I have ceded authority to him in our relationship to make these decisions benefits me and us, but it does rub me the wrong way when I am a little out of practice.
So…I think I just don’t like to take the time and make the space in my day to exercise, and I think that because right now, in this moment in time, I feel personally uncommitted to it, it becomes all about doing what I am told. How I can be battling with that, again, I don’t know. I have been here before. I would think it would get easier. It’s like riding a bicycle, right? Wait…no, that would involve excercise!
The Power of the Panties
Sometimes, you just have to laugh! If it’s at yourself, even better. This post might be best for women only, as there are some things men are better off not knowing. Gentlemen, if you should decide to read on, I assume no responsibility for anything.
Several weeks ago Grant finally asked the question. I more or less knew it was coming, half realized I would be caught, was really trying to get a step ahead before it came to that, but just never quite managed to. Just 4 little words…
“Did you exercise today?”
Ah Shoot! “No.”
Surprised, “What?”
“No…I didn’t.”
“Why not?” (He looks at the kitchen clock. It is 4 PM)
“Because, I just didn’t…yet” (trying to imply I would soon)
Scowling slightly, “Did you exercise yesterday?”
(Uh oh, this is not going well) “Well…mmm, no.”
“When was the last time you did exercise?”…silence…..”Well?” the eyebrows go up.
“Wait…I am trying to remember!…Thursday, I am pretty sure.”
He turns to the sink, commenting over his shoulder, “If I were you, I would be closing that laptop and hurrying to get that exercise done right now!”
The infamous, “We’ll discuss this later.” was implied but not spoken. Oh no, now what? Every woman in a DD relationship knows the code. “Discuss” means he will be talking, with an implement of some sort, and I will be listening and agreeing to whatever he says. Sheesh. OK…so…I’ll worry later…maybe go exercise first? Now, while I am following directions ever so cooperatively, at least I can speculate about what is going to happen instead of being bored out of my mind while I excercise!
Will he or won’t he? The infraction is not mega. I mean, yes I am supposed to and I haven’t, but…major crime, nah. On the other hand, we did agree I would start a regular exercise routine up again, and I have been stalling, and it is a health issue, which he takes seriously…and I have already been warned. But I did over half of what I was supposed to. OK. But any kind of punishment is not a happy thing and I begin to think maybe I have reason to worry.
Fast forward to that evening, same kitchen table, same husband glancing at the same clock. “I’d like you to be ready in the bedroom at 8 pm.” And he walks out. Ready? Ready for what? There is no clear “in trouble” tone or look perceived, and I am left to wonder at the nature of our appointment. There will be spanking almost certainly, but what kind? A girl needs to know these things!!!!
At 7:15 I decide to go ‘get ready’. But…what am I getting ready for? I walked into the bedroom where Grant was reading and mentioned that I would be in shortly. Then, although I knew, couldn’t help but ask what I was getting ready for. “Your spanking.” “I know… but what kind?” “I am still deciding that.” “OK”, since I realized this was NOT the time to take issue but rather to demonstrate proof of my complete if sudden demeanor of obedience!
You see, the “what kind” makes all the difference. There are codes for dress and preparations to be made. These are not his codes but mine. If he wants something specific, he is specific. He often just instructs “get ready”. I have developed my own pre-spanking rituals, some of which are rather silly, but…I do them anyway. I don’t know if they really help, but I have always been an optimist. Well, knowing that this infraction was not a super big deal, I went for black lace…I mean, whatever is going to happen, you might as well look good, right?
In days long gone by, it used to be that any sort of spanking made me very nervous. I still get nervous, but not for any kind but a punishment anymore. Back then it was all new, it hurt, and while I wanted to do this thing, at least in the abstract, the fantasy and the reality are quite different. Being “in trouble” more or less freaked me out, and I really needed to DO something with myself in the hours before. That turned into a shower, all kinds of grooming, skin creams, hair washing, blow drying with the use of sundry products, including root lifter. You will never see me showing up to a spanking with bad hair!!!
Then there is the issue of attire. Now the reality is most of it is coming off anyway, but that is entirely beside the point! I remember, with stellar hair, clean and shiny, fragrant and voluminous, I stood in front of my closet, doors flung wide. “What does one wear to a spanking?” I would ponder. How much trouble am I in? Which implement will he use? What’s coming off? How fast? Will it help if I wear layers? Yes guys (who are not supposed to be reading this) , we (I cannot be the only one! ) do think like this, when it comes down to the wire, and true desperation sets in. I have been known to choose flannel pajamas over nylon, wear panties underneath when I never do that, even knowing there is the strong likelihood that whatever I am wearing will quickly be dispensed with anyway.
Now, If I am really worried about the fate of my derriere, sexy new panties are a must! All girls schooled in the ancient and secret arts of mysterious womanhood know that one should never underestimate the power of the panties! Lace is nice, colors help, the cut must be revealing but not too too, and he has to have NEVER seen them before! This is a cardinal rule, because if the vision is not an immediate distraction, if his attention is not torn from his intended mission to the offering now laid before him, your moment of advantage is lost! There is that one pivotal moment in time, the reveal, and it can make or break your spanking experience. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is war girls! If you can inspire your spanker to pause, to gaze, the tables will have at very least tilted. He was in complete control and you, OTK, in complete surrender. Suddenly, he is diverted, and your spanking is on it’s way to a quick resolution. Oh he will still spank, but now his mind wanders. And surely if we know anything about our men, we can appreciate that multi-tasking is not a strength! He is now wanting to wrap up this portion of the scheduled programming quickly!
I know. I can be very bad. But somehow, I have not had the impression my husband minds so very much!
The Dilemma of Need – Part 2
I hate it when my real life gets in the way of cyber life! Work, kids, marriage…left me no time to write the responses your comments deserved. I want to say that the comments were so wonderful! There is nothing better than a post generating good discussion, and all the feedback was very much appreciated! There is so much there, I decided to make it into it’s own post and address each comment in depth:
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Chuck said, Sara, another well written piece and you have touched on a several major points.
As you may remember, I have voiced concerns here before about me (the man) being this all powerful creature in the relationship. I don’t believe this is possible for any person. In a relationship, one partner is always stronger in some areas and weaker in others and often these are complementary to our partners. I believe that as part of TTWD, each partners strong areas need to be agreed upon as part of the TTWD agreement. For example, if one is better at dealing with child issues, maybe the roles need to be reversed when dealing with children. In other words in your case, Grant needs to cede control to you without argument in these places. Of course, you will listen to his opinion as intently as he listens to you in the situations where he is in control but the decision is ultimately up to you and he will follow you in this circumstance. There needs to be some kind of balance of control. This does not negate his HoH position at all. It is like a strong boss allowing a trusted and capable employee to take the lead on an issue where the employee has a strength greater than his. However, at the end of the day, he is still boss.
Can a man “really enjoy” punishing his wife? I don’t think so and here is why. Punishment is not enjoyable for ether party. When a man starts to enjoy punishing his wife, it has turned into a kink and is no longer TTWD. I believe that even in a spanko relationship, if it is real punishment for a real transgression, even a spanko would not enjoy the punishment aspect. However, I will like others comment on this subject.
As for the comment about women not wanting to ask for what they want, this is an issue that men have confronted since the beginning of time. As men age, they understand this issue more and more but it can still confuse us at times when we don’t understand the entire need or don’t catch it at all. Without turning into an abuser, there is a fine line that men must never cross. So when your man does not “get what you need”, it is sometimes caution on his part. Grant probably knows you need something but is not sure what or how strong you need whatever it is you need. This need can be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to being thrown down on the bed, spanked, and taken without regard to any resistance you may put up.
Also, you have to remember that in general men are physically bigger and stronger than their partners. We can often take you physically at any time we want and we all know it. In a relationship, this is a great capability but is also a great responsibility. We must use enough strength to take you to some invisible and moving line, without crossing over, and back again. I am a big strong guy and I know I must never use all my strength against a women, even in play, because that would turn me into something nobody wants and possibly injure her in the process. Then we would not be able to play the next day.
I hope all this helps. Chuck
Chuck, you make several interesting points. I guess you are right about men enjoying punishment. Punishment for play is about kink. Real life punishment in TTWD is very emotionally intense and difficult. It revolves around real problems between the couple and how can one enjoy that? It is like asking of you enjoy a real marital argument.
I think you are very right about a man not knowing exactly what his wife might need in the moment. Heck, the truth is sometimes we don’t know ourselves. At the same time, often we feel we have communicated and are not heard. We have worked on our communication skills, the language we use and how we understand each other, and there has been much progress. Still, we sometimes miss each other.
Regarding using your strength, Grant would never physically force me into anything. If I do not accept willingly, if not happily, what he tells me to do, even discipline, he waits until I can willingly submit. That is part of his expectation of me, and it offers us both the protection of knowing there is full consent. Sara
Ally said, Sara, I think that your thoughts on P coincide with your thoughts on needs and how men and women get them differently are related. Women have a bit of control over earning punishment or not. We either earn it or we don’t. Men react with punishment to our action or lack of. My husband wouldn’t punish on a whim. I’m glad that men don’t enjoy punishing, and I don’t enjoy being punished, more so because of the feelings of guilt than the pain. Let me go back for a minute, when I feel neglected, unattended, there is usually a good reason, life is busy. I feel selfish asking for what I need sometimes. I hate asking. However, I think that a P is the only kind of spanking that we can “earn” without “asking” and it demands the attention of our partner. Perhaps this is why we crave that scenario – the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it. Just a thought…
Ally, I am still not sure why we might crave punishment. I just know lots of us do…at least in fantasy. Yes, “the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it” happens, but I suspect it is also the level of intensity that speaks to us. There are typical couples who go through cycles of knock down drag out fights, and the underlying cause is the fire it ignites between them. I think it might have to do with a need to be taken to the edge of loss of control and intensity. I know that when we engage in more D/s like activities, it touches a similar nerve. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know! :) Sara
Serenity Everton said, Have to think before I give a complete response but, fyi, you were correct about Chris. He does not care to punish me, he does it because I need him to – because it absolves guilt, clears the air, allows us to resume emotional intimacy…
Now, spanking me for little things, or for D/s infractions … he’s all over that and usually with a grin on his face. It’s hard to feel guilty about those when he’s looking forward to the aftermath so much. lol. S
Serenity, I know you are busy writing wonderful stuff, but sometime I really would love to know more about what you think! What you said about Chris is very interesting. It could describe Grant, except that instead of spanking for little infractions, he just spanks for nothing, and because he feels like it, and because I need it, and because it is Tuesday. Mostly that works for us. Sara
Marie said, Sara, this is such a dilemma…as you have said. I can really relate to the intensity of the need to feel completely overpowered and truly punished. And like you, I think it would be dishonest and ultimately unfulfilling to pick a fight or artificially set myself up for being punished.
However, it’s also a form of dishonesty to put on an air of calm and contentment, or submissiveness when underneath you are roiling with anger and need. Practiced perfection isn’t an honest reaction to feeling neglected and unseen. Putting up walls and hiding, while often being more polite, doesn’t have any place in the type of marriage that you and Grant are striving for.
For instance, if Grant were to ask you this evening if you’d exercised today, the polite response might be “Yes, dear.” But the honest response, based on your inner-turmoil and angry(ish)-ness might be “Bite me, Grant!” I’m not saying that the first thing that jumps to mind is necessarily the thing that must be said, but this studied air of calm complaisance and submission seems to be a sort of cop out when it comes to engaging in a real relationship with your partner. There are plenty of times when calm and contentment ARE the real feelings, but when they aren’t, don’t pretend.
And for Grant, his polite reaction to your anger might be “I can see that you’re tired and out-of-sorts tonight, Sara. I forgive you.” But the honest reaction would most likely be to march you into the bedroom and lay into you with a paddle.
Women are emotional, irrational, high-strung and passionate. If you need Grant to unleash his male-ness on you, it would be fair to say that you need to be more honest in sharing your less studied and practiced female responses with him.
Please forgive me Grant. I am not trying to “start” something. I am just saying that for Sara to put up walls and hide her true feelings is destructive to the relationship in it’s own way. It’s good to be polite. It’s important to share our best selves with our spouse. But when our honest reaction is to yell and pout because we are feeling insecure, unstable or misunderstood, then so be it.
Please tell me if I am wrong. I am completely willing to be wrong, but I think that studying less and feeling more might be okay now and then.
Marie, First, I always appreciate your candor! Second…well I have mixed feelings about honesty within a marriage vs. letting it all hang out. I really do strive to be honest. I don’t keep secrets nor am I allowed to. We agreed on that a long time ago. And I am not talking about not being entitled to my privacy, but anything that affects me and will affect us needs to be shared. If I am acting like something is wrong and he asks and I say “nothing” that does not fly. On the other hand, to take your example, if he asks if I have exercised and I am grumbling inside but answer nicely, that might be an effort in self discipline that is needed and desired. The issue is if I hide something that is emotionally significant. Am I grumbling because I am truly resentful and we need to talk? Or is it that I am just cranky but it will pass? I feel I do need to act like an adult within my marriage!
The self doubt about the honesty came when I chose to accept, wait, let things go, and the discontent grew from something small to something of significance, and I spoke up, but softly, then said more, thought I was heard, but apparently not…and on and on. This time it ended up in a miss between us. However, Grant later told me, after we talked, that he realized was really off himself. He was not feeling great, not as focused, and he had not directly told me that either. Sometimes, we mess up.
I will be more carefully watching myself to see if my stellar behavior becomes a problem going forward! ;) Sara
BabyMan said, Sara, thanks for the post.
“Small infractions do not cut it for us. Not only would Grant not punish for them, but I have been there, being spanked for something I didn’t buy into.”
I’m pretty certain – even in our infancy with “ttwd” – that I could never bring a real punishment upon SugarAnne for a “small infraction”. Punishments for small infractions are, for her, a cleansing; for me, a way to vent my accumulated frustration and for both of us a way to enjoy reconnection, intimacy and ultimately tender and passionate lovemaking. A real punishment, I suppose, is too heavy for lightweight stuff. In the same way you look forward to it – and not. That’s the same way I look forward to it – and not. I wonder if I’ll be able to when it is indisputably necessary (and desired).
“Does he need to punish? Do any of you dominant partners find yourselves really wanting to punish your partner?”
I think I “need” to punish in order to move our “ttwd” relationship forward. But it is not an aching personal need. I did however notice that earlier in the week my “A game” was beginning to slip and I felt the bona fide need to spank SugarAnne in order to reboot it. I was concerned that I would be lifting myself up by putting her over my knee. There was no small infraction upon which to punish so the need led to an erotic spanking and passionate love. We both enjoyed that.
The day that a need for punishment rears its (ugly? pretty?) head is the day BabyMan finds out what he’s made of. My “need” is: I want to be able to punish when necessary.
BabyMan, I am pretty sure every dominant partner in this sort of marriage faces the same concerns. Grant has told me it is really really hard to do what he must, what I need, what we agreed to, if a true punishment is called for. On the other hand, a failure to carry through would be emotionally devastating to me. When we enter into TTWD we let down our walls and agree that you will care for us. To keep us safe in all kinds of ways, we need to know we can count on you, trust you, give up all control. Any seed of doubt has huge impact and the walls naturally go up. When you see the positive impact on the relationship, it will help a lot.
As for the need to spank and/or be spanked, that is why we do lots of other kinds of spanking very regularly. It hugely takes the edge off! The truth is, after we talked, and I got what I needed from Grant, which was a long hard spanking, I became totally settled. It is just astounding how that works! Sara
Mick said, Sara, I believe it is a sign of maturity to act in the way you think is good, even if you don’t feel like it inside.
On the other hand, it is also good to acknowledge your inner feelings, and I’m sure Grant wants to hear about those, even if you’re busy and have to schedule it in.
I wasn’t sure exactly you were talking about when you said you didn’t like saying what you need. But you also know that one of the things that frustrated men who love their women is that they can’t know without being told. And sometimes even when words are used, sometimes we still don’t get it. I’m considered perceptive, but I often don’t get it either. I really appreciate it if my wife will verbalize what’s going on (you gals are supposed to be good at that, I’m told).
Finally, could you help me with some clarification? You mention a need to a Punishment spanking even if there is no action on your part to warrant it. An intense spanking without the punishment aspect is not always adequate. If the physical act is the same, what makes the difference? Is there some generalized guilt that needs to be assuaged? Do you need the husband to scold even if there is no reason to?
As always, you write thought provoking posts and I always look forward to them.
Mick, I agree, there has to be a balance between holding in feelings appropriately and letting out things that need to be shared.
Yes, I know we women can be frustrating, but sometimes it is very hard to just come out and say what we need in a direct way. It is not quite comfortable for us. Women generally communicate differently, more subtlety, indirectly, using more emotional and descriptive language. We think we have told you, and you don’t hear the meaning behind the words. It is the male/female divide.
On your question about punishment: A true big punishment spanking is much worse (literally harder) than any other kind. Lesser punishments might not be as intense physically as a maintenance spanking. The intensity is emotional. I am not sure about your quilt question. I am a Jewish woman, ergo I am always a bit guilty. That was not intended as a joke, btw! I know other women…Serenity and s, for instance, who are not Jewish, and don’t talk about their guilt, and who do fantasize about the punishment scenario. Most spanko literature that women read is about that dynamic. The heroine earns a punishment spanking and it is delivered. I suspect like romance novels are about a virile male overcoming a saucy, spirited or resistant female, spanko literature tells the same tale in spanko terms. That leads me to think the punishment scenario is the purest expression we have of a Jane and Tarzan dynamic?
s said, I am in this exact spot with R, and could have written this post myself.
Thanks for writing it. I could not, I don’t think.
R does not like to punish me, which is why I think at times he “seems” to be looking the other way when he really should put me in my place, so to speak. I am pushy and assertive (altho I try not to be in certain areas), and the more he ignores it the more out of control, uncontained, and needy i feel. Then, like you, I start erecting walls, so as to not expect what I need in order to not be disappointed when it doesn’t get fulfilled. Then I, like you, get angry. At myself for needing what I need, and he being the one who provides it. And angry at him for not getting it sometimes. Like you, I don’t like the way I feel when I feel like this…..so I push it down. Do the “right thing”. iron the shirts, cook the meals, yet….at a distance……
Sometimes I wonder…..do we really need our heads?? I mean, honestly… s.
s, I think we occasionally struggle with Grant looking the other way too, although we have talked about that so much that it doesn’t happen as often anymore. He wants to give me the benefit of the doubt, and for things to be peaceful between us. However, he also knows the results, as you describe, an increasingly out of control, freaked out, and insecure wife! One DD husband described the man’s choice as “Pay now or pay later!” i.e. It is not like ignoring her faltering is going to make it all go away, and if you require her to rev up before you intervene, you do no one a favor. Sometimes I wish I didn’t react like this, but I do, and so do you and all the other DD wives I talk to! Either we are a particular breed or it is that we allow our husbands control, and then simply learn to depend on them for that! Sara
Vanessa said, A poignant post, Sara. No easy answers, but your ponderings reflect my reality as well. Thanks for sharing; it’s nice to know I’m not alone! Vanessa
Venessa, thank you. I think from the comments you can tell you are SO not alone! Sara
Chuck said, Since it is mostly women responding here and not giving clear answers to how men are supposed to interpret a woman’s needs, please give us men some help here.
As I said in my original response, your need may be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to something much more … severe. I have been married and know that sometimes the women does not know herself what she really needs exactly.
Assuming that the man would know the women very well, he would have some idea of the general needs of his partner at any particular time. Therefore he would know a general target to shoot for but what about stepping over the line by punishing too severely. Does this automatically negate any good that he was trying to do by attempting to satisfy her needs?
Also, since an exact hit of the “right” amount of punishment would not always happen, are we better to overshoot or undershoot the severity of the punishment?
After all, in the end, this is all that everyone wants to do: satisfy our partner’s needs to the best of our ability. Chuck
Chuck, you’re back! Right, we gals don’t always know what we need. I think some of this we learn together by hit or miss. It might sound strange coming after my post, but the answer is to talk and talk. I wrote this post and had Grant read it the day before it went up. I wrote to work out what I was feeling, and then to tell him the things that I could not say. After he read, we talked about it. That was when I found out that in this case, he thought the miscommunication was both of us. I did say things that normally clue him in, but he wasn’t listening as closely as he typically does. I misread that signal from him, and waited. How are you guys to know when to push? How are we women to know when no response means we need to say it again? Sometimes it means you are choosing to not respond. Two people in any relationship is a challenge. A man and a woman in a relationship can be especially tricky.
One side comment about punishment: I think we all vary in what it takes for us to ‘feel’ punished. That requires figuring it out. But I also think that much of the power for most women comes not in the literal physical “severity” but from the emotional impact. When you create a true punishment scene, how hard you swing the paddle becomes not irrelevant, but significatly less important. Do you know what I mean? Sara
Lisa said, Then we wait! I have been spanked for every reason, fun, deserved it, if you’re going to act like a child…I will treat you like one, also for P. I remember 1 clearly. I lied to M, it was small but that is not tolerated at all. What I remember most about it was yes the spanking was hard and long, but at one point M changed the implement. He then said I am finding no pleasure out of finishing this but you lied & I have to. I swear M could have spanked me for days and it never would have hit me like those word’s. I instantly broke to tears, weeping. I have to say he looked confused for a moment & asked why are you crying so hard? My answer came out because you are punishing me. I knew I did something wrong, I knew he didn’t want to have to go there, M has told me he doesn’t want to have to punish, he loves me and that is hard. That particular P was about a yr ago. I don’t now remember the pain, the nervousness, but I have never forgot that feeling of how I felt when he said that. As you might remember M & I had to put a hold on our relationship, we are working very hard to get everything back to us. This hold was because of me, waiting, not speaking with him of my need’s, I put my wall’s up, I got angry, I was upset and I hated waiting so needless to say when I did speak it was pure frustration. That caused nothing but sadness for both. I have always found it hard to ask for spankings or what I really wanted. It’s awkward! Why can’t he just know? Because he is really not a mind reader. Shocker to me! But true. We went to dinner last night, after I said I am so glad we went there instead of the other place, that’s where I really wanted to go. He said well you know you have a voice to say what you want to, I said I know, then laughed and said no I don’t know lol. I shared more of myself here tonight then I ever did on your blog, maybe because I know the feeling’s to well, maybe i do want the p’s, maybe just for myself knowing if I don’t ask it is my wall and not his, blocking him from hearing me, & having me sit on the other side of that wall waiting. I’m taking the wall’s down. I want him to be able to hear me and me him. I don’t think any of our men want Stepford wives, maybe close lol. But more so they do want to hear us, just in a calm and healthy way. Sorry it was so long. Just breathe & tell him…
Lisa, I am so glad you are doing better, and thank you for sharing! Yes, you are right that when we shut ourselves off and won’t express our real needs, we do a disservice to our husbands and our relationship.
I also understand the emotional impact of feeling like you have disappointed your husband, or really done something wrong. There is no degree of spanking that hurts like that awareness, but having a process to work through it, and to be forgiven and to forgive yourself is so very helpful! Sara
A. Lurker said, Sara, Hope you are feeling more settled by the time you read this. As you know, I consider you and your blog very sane and thought provoking. I respect what you and Grant do to create a close relationship. As I read your profound post it provoked some thoughts of my own. They are just points I am pondering and hopefully they come across respectfully as I would never want to offend you. So here goes!
Concerning the “punishment fetish”, that “high” feeling of infatuation with dd vs the ebbs and flows of the long term dd relationship makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if there is more to it than that. Obviously I don’t know you personally but I know many of us woman suffer from that on-and-off feeling of guilt. Could I be a better wife? Could I be a better mom? Is the house tidy enough? That kind of stuff. By the tone of your post it seems like there is angst over feeling needy, a bit of guilt over the fact that you are becoming better at hiding, knowing he is not a mind reader yet wanting him to figure it out. Could there be an inner feeling that if you got that “P” that guilt makes you think you deserve it would wipe the slate clean?
You also talk about waiting because he is dominate and takes what he needs when he decides. This is curious to me because the tone of your blog whenever you talk about your relationship is about two strong, intelligent adults making sure there is communication and being able to respectfully discuss their points of view. Then if there is no consensus he decides and you accept. It always seemed to me that he welcomed your input. You always say you submit to Grant but you are not a submissive so do you really need to wait passively for him to figure it out?
You also seem to come down hard on yourself for being so needy of him and that triggers all sorts of reactions in you. Yet it is also that need that binds you together as a couple so is it really as bad as it seems? I mean, from what you write, you don’t seem to go through other aspects of your life with other people feeling that way. It is something only for you and Grant and I have a feeling, in his own way he is just as needy of you. From the outside looking in it seems like something to aspire to and something that can be very fulfilling. Am I making any sense?
Anyway, thank you for this profound post as I love reading things that make me really stop and think. Again, I hope I didn’t offend as I respect and admire what you do and the courage you have in talking about it. Hope things are on the upswing now. R.
R, I am always open to your honest feedback, so thank you for that!
Guilt: maybe, although my guilt is not over the small stuff…the house, etc. There are times when I just feel like I am somehow not a good enough wife or mother on a larger scale. Grant would disagree and will be irritated when he reads this, but I struggle with myself at times. I think I have issues from childhood that have to do with believing I should just take care of myself, not need so much from anyone else. I lean on my husband a lot, and he encourages that, but when I something triggers my insecurities, it often plays out in my not feeling like I should need him, his attention or his care taking.
Waiting: Yes, he always encourages my input. But…if he seems not to, if I feel like I have said what I needed (in my own way) and he does not respond, then the feeling of vulnerability increases and I can begin to feel a need to pull back. TTWD leaves us feeling quite naked and we depend on our partner for cover. If his attention looks to be elsewhere, we can get scared.
Needing each other: You are right on the money with that observation. When I am thinking straight, I know he needs me to need him, that we need each other, and the inter- dependency we have created is a wonderful thing. When I feel off balance or somehow more alone, less connected, that need can roll into a fear of being hurt. Sara
L. said, “I’ve noticed one of the results of the progression of our disciplinary relationship is that while he’s gotten better at seeing me, I’ve also gotten better at hiding.”
This comment has been percolating in my brain since I read it. I have been thinking about authenticity, about showing my true self to my husband.
There is a place for private thoughts. There is a place for overlooking faults in the man we love. But if we are hiding resentment, frustration, or hurt feelings, then it’s better to clear the air, even if there must be a lively discussion or frank argument. Not all conflict is to be avoided –if it leads to greater marital understanding and satisfaction, it is healthful for the relationship.
Some years ago my husband told me, on several occasions, that he didn’t want to hear what I was upset about. It apparently threatened him too much and he was afraid to hear it. I asked him if he would rather have to hear it for the first time in front of a counselor, as that would be where we would end up if we couldn’t resolve it ourselves. He reluctantly agreed that it was better to hear it from me now.
Evidently he came to see that my direct confrontation of problems was a good thing because in the years since, he has been very open to anything I needed to tell him– and has become quicker to voice his own complaints when he needed me to hear them! It has led to quicker resolution of problems and growth in our marriage.
And it has helped us to maintain our romantic attraction to each other, because nothing dampens attraction so much as unresolved anger. (I saw that in my parents’ marriage and want no part of it in mine.)
L, you describe just what I was getting at about finding the right balance between hiding and allowing for privacy. Yes, it is about authenticity and putting the marriage above your own needs when you need to. Thanks for explaining it so well! Sara
KayLynn said, Sara, So many thoughts. First of all I do not believe that we are the type of women who are so submissive that we would’ve felt comfortable seeking out someone who was a sadist (& I don’t mean that in a bad way – which is kind of funny don’t ya think?!). Ahem … I think that we chose men who were described in the times as Type A’s. We wanted a strong protector that we knew would match us intellectually. I have personally come to believe that on some levels I have recreated some intangible need to be loved by someone who is an overachiever – who – logistically speaking -often has me on the back burner. I know that it is not the case emotionally. Therein lies the difference (the improvement if you will, from one generation to the next). I know his heart is attached to mine. But it is more known than shown. I do believe that he doesn’t want it to be that way – but he is doing what he learned with many improvements. So all that said, we still sit and wait for the chances to be together. And when we have that chance, it needs to be monumental. It needs to be something that will carry us into the next time which we know won’t necessarily be the next day. And they chose us because of our strength and independence.
Second I think that it is very exciting to have that anticipatory loss of control. Everything I’ve ever written is all about those phenomenal moments of fear in a controlled setting. As an aside, Luvspanking (LS) had a wonderful post about the differences between P and D spankings (as well as maintenance and erotic). The D one is likened to someone conditioning themselves in a sport. He did such a better job – check it out. I finally got the nerve to ask Greg to take me to the edge. – LS was great about pushing me to do just that –
The next thing I am going to ask for is Greg telling me that we are going to have an edge night so that I can feel those butterflies and look at him with a bit of trepidation. I flourish under those Dom types of actions.
elle (theoccasionalmuse.wordpress.com) is very wise and has talked me down off of the building more than once over this exact issue. The concept was that part of being submissive is to do so when we don’t feel like it. Whenever I’ve described this to Greg, it is usually when I’m well passed the retrieval point. And Greg finds this to be a criticism of sorts. It’s as if I’ve said, “You’ve let me down!” He’ll usually respond with a ‘get over yourself’ or ‘control yourself’ ’sounds’ like something you need to work out on your own’. If I tell him before I get crazy I have found much better results. And when nothing works out, I’ll read stories and get my “fix” *sighs*
There’s great beauty and pain involved in being in touch with your feelings! Hugs, KayLynn
KayLynn, a very interesting thought about Type A personalities! That certainly does describe my husband, although in the last few years, I have noticed that truly, he prioritizes me and us so much more than he ever did. I wonder if that just comes with his maturity. I am also a Type A myself, just a variation on his theme. Many times we both wait for each other, and sometimes it gets very hard to put us first. What I did not say until now is part of the reason I convinced myself to wait was all the real life things in the way…work, kids, appointments, him not feeling well…I kept thinking that he did hear me and thought to wait until we/he had time, felt better, etc. Except that when we did have time, it turned out that he had not heard me, Then I crashed! The reality is, as I started with, real relationships, let alone ones that integrate TTWD are hard!
On going to the edge, yes, it meets a real need and there are many ways to do that. I think I mentioned above, it might fill a similar need that punishment does sometimes, maybe because of the intensity?
Telling him before you go crazy is a wonderful idea! I do try! He has also learned to read me pretty well. If I do go crazy (not misbehaved, just crazy) and he has missed the signs, he blames himself. Now, early on, I think he used to feel like your husband, confused and defensive. Over time he learned that he does hold the key and is pretty adept at using it. Understanding his power and feeling more at home with it has allowed him to accept the responsibilities with more comfort and self assurance, I think.
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One of the things Grant said to me when we talked about all of this was that we have worked hard and we do get it right so much these days, we do talk, I do tell, he is consistent, that when we do go off kilter it feels unusually uncomfortable now. We are not used to being out of sync in this way anymore, and that’s a good thing!
Again, thank you for all of your intelligent and thought provoking comments!
Sara
P.S. I am tired of wrestling with WordPress about spacing and font size! Please forgive the presentation!
The Dilemma of Need
This was written this past weekend, before I bickered, we faught, then talked and he spanked…finally! It’s not always easy!
Serenity ( aka Sparkle) wrote an intriguing post on TTWD, about “the problems of taking a fetish and turning it into a working, living relationship.”
I sure do know how this feels. Especially today. Today is not the best of days. I feel needy, neglected even. It’s not his fault. He pays attention, makes time, tries to give me what need. Real life is always pressing, though, jobs, kids, obligations, health, business travel. Grant is also doing a Master’s degree online. It all gets to be quite the juggling act, and sometimes, despite our best intentions, I feel like I go to the back of the line. And sometimes we try and just have a miss. I wonder if it hurts me or him more when there’s a miss. He feels bad so I don’t want to say much. I try to be understanding, but in time I get cranky, misunderstood, begin to feel distant. Then as the need is not met, it grows, and I feel less and less content, more irritable, less wanting to let him see all this upset, and I begin to erect walls. I think it’s an attempt to protect us both? I don’t want to feel so needy. I don’t want to want what he is not giving. I don’t want to be unhappy with him. I want these feelings to just go away. I think I get angry(ish) at him, not for any true failing, but simply because my needs are his alone to meet, and that makes me feel too vulnerable and maybe angry at him for the power he holds.
Sometimes it’s too hard to need anyone the way I need him, and then I just want him to go away. I mean, of course I don’t, but I get scared and it hurts, and so I do. The following is a brand new revelation. He’ll read it here. I’ve noticed one of the results of the progression of our disciplinary relationship is that while he’s gotten better at seeing me, I’ve also gotten better at hiding. I am much more skilled at being what he wants and expects, looking soft and complaint and yielding on the surface. I look fine, balanced, submissive, while inside the downward spiral has begun. Sometimes I think he is missing the truth for my perfected presentation. It’s not that I intend to deceive, but if I can be what he expects, and what I should be, then why would I not? Tell him. Yes, I know, and I do. But I believe I look more together these days than I feel. The irony is that through TTWD, despite all my tremendous effort towards self revelation and honesty, I am wondering if sometimes I have created better smoke and mirrors? I truthfully don’t know.
On the Punishment fetish…Serenity made me realize something. Small infractions do not cut it for us. Not only would Grant not punish for them, but I have been there, being spanked for something I didn’t buy into. I will submit, and yes, it hurts, but as she explained, I don’t really feel sorry. My heart isn’t in it. And big P’s, thank goodness, have been very rare. Hopefully they will stay that way. Smaller punishments are not a huge deal…mostly sending a message and a means of resolution. I can get a really hard spanking by asking for one (well usually…time permitting) But a real punishment is quite different than that. It is the emotional intensity we crave, I think, and how do you create that? Role play is not our thing…and even if it were, it’s not the same as “real”. A hard spanking relieves tension and meets the who’s who burn, but it’s not the same either. Smaller punishments are a bit of both…but not at the same level at all. And NO ONE in their right mind is going to purposefully do something to provoke a serious punishment. So, it has occurred to me, maybe it is like comparing the high of falling in love with the reality of being in love long term? I love my husband and am lucky enough to be in love with him. But the high of “in love”, the intensity, is something that will ebb and flow.
The other issue I have been mulling around is his needs versus mine. I think they are different. In my circumstances, punishment per se does not float his boat. He really appreciates many dimensions and aspect of spanking, but not the punishment experience. That leaves me feeling a bit alone with this recently. It’s such a weird thing…craving what I truly do not want and feeling fulfilled and settled by that which I try hard to avoid. But underneath, I know that the whole of TTWD for us pivots on the fact that he can and will punish me of it is warranted. I don’t know, because I haven’t asked him, but I suspect that the punishment scenario does not fulfill him in that same way. He understands the benefits to me and our marriage. He believes in the domestic discipline lifestyle. He does his duty. I don’t think he feels an internal drive.
Perhaps it’s a real benefit when partners can match their kinks, but truly, does anybody’s match exactly? I doubt it. Serenity’s post made me think about that, because her Chris is clearly “a spanko” and she describes feeling this need in a way that he might not. She needs to be punished. Does he need to punish? Do any of you dominant partners find yourselves really wanting to punish your partner? I’ve felt and read over and over women battling with not bating him into punishing her, knowing this is dishonest and harmful to the relationship. She’s left with the need.
Maybe, just maybe it is because we are women and the dynamic offers us an emotional stability we crave, while our men might not need us in that exact way. They need us, but for other things…emotional connectedness and the softer sides of love…but not to feel solid. Maybe such is the quality of their maleness, that emotional solidness, which is why we more emotional female creatures crave that which we do not have, and they don’t crave that which is already part of them?
One last piece of my ponderings for today: we women don’t want to ask for what we need. It feels like it is not our place to do so. Our men (hopefully) get their needs met by asking and by taking. They are the dominant partners and thus do and create whatever their heart desires. They lead and we follow. They take what they want and we give and we yield with pleasure. Traditionally, we wait… to be seen, felt, our needs to be met. We have secret places that desperately need to be filled…clearly the way we are made.
Yin and Yang. He must seek and find, and empty and yearning, she waits.
And We Think WE’RE Kinky?
Where were YOU last night?
