You know You’re A Spanko When…..
…you think this is just no big deal! Huh, maybe all you Spanko people have perverted me?
Top Italian swimmer in tears after being disqualified when her hi-tech skinsuit bursts open at the rear
By Mail Foreign Service
Last updated at 3:17 PM on 02nd July 2009
It’s the wardrobe malfunction to end them all.
Italian Olympic swimmer Flavia Zoccari was forced to sit out a championship race at the Mediterranean Games yesterday after her bathing costume burst open in a very unfortunate place.
Flavia, 22, was wearing the controversial £318 top-of-the-line Jaked J01 swimsuit when disaster struck at the Games in Pescara, Italy..
Rear window: Italian swimmer Flavia Zoccari’s skinsuit splits open during the Mediterranean Games in Pescara, Italy, yesterdayWhen He Can’t Read Your Mind….
We all know how important communication is in marriage, and especially in a Dd marriage. I have not seen my husband in NINE days, and am sooo ready for…well all kinds of things! I really miss him!
So, about that communication…well, I decided I will be wearing this T-shirt when I walk in tonight!
Do you think he’ll get the message? 
Women Unite!
This weekend my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law stopped by our home for a day and a half on their way north. We are moving Grant’s mother back “home” and this was part of it. I like my sister-in-law. She is a nice person, and fun, if a bit ditsy. She’s about 4 yrs older than me, so mid 50s, several times divorced. It will be an interesting summer because the in laws will be around a lot. They will stay at the Ranch until we have his mother and sister resettled. Closeness is a mixed bag with extended family, but I am optimistic. I am sure we’ll have our moments though.
A preview of things to come occurred while sitting around our kitchen table on Saturday afternoon. It was just us girls, as Grant and our kids are already at the Ranch. My sister-in-law doesn’t see well at night and gets lost when driving quite often. I told her “Grant says he doesn’t want you to leave today. He wants you to wait until morning.” She retorted, “Well, he isn’t telling me what to do.” I reminded her that he is just concerned for her safety and then I resorted to adding “And he told me I was not to let you leave!” She said she would agree to stay the night, but only because she was tired.
There was a pause before she turned to me and asked, “Does my brother try to tell you what to do?” Uh oh. I answered in a light manner, “Well, you know Grant. He tells everyone what to do!” Undeterred she continued…half kidding, half ready to get riled, “Yeah, I know. But does he try to tell you what to do?” I smiled and said “He’s your brother! Of course he tells me what to do!” She zeroed in “But you don’t listen right?” I hesitated, “Well…I choose when to listen”. That seemed to satisfy and she let it go. Apparently no sister-in-law of hers is being pushed around!
My answer was an evasion and also technically the truth. I do choose when to listen. I have chosen to ‘listen’ (cooperate, obey…whatever you want to call it) pretty much all of the time, unless I just can’t, and then we deal with that one way or another. She was satisfied, and I would guess gave it not another thought. It started me thinking though. It reminded me of how much my thinking has changed, of where I was and where I am now. It also reminded me of the pressure we women put on each other to not abandon the feminist ideals we were brought up with. Sisters stand strong!
Huh. That used to be pretty important to me. I like women. I understand them and really enjoy their company. My women friends are very important to me, and I value the friendships I have. I know I need them in my life, and nourish the friendships in a way that is separate and apart from the relationship with my husband. Still, for many years I believed what I was taught, that to yield, depend on, submit to a male partner was against the creed of modern womankind, and further, to do so would be letting my foresisters down. So for many years, even while married, I kept myself separate and apart, and my marriage paid the price. I stood strong and independent within the marriage. Frankly, it was pretty lonely. They were wrong and I was wrong. Buying into a relationship with your man is not anti-female, does not diminish my power, my rights, my life. Instead it has enhanced it hugely.
The fact is that my husband does tell me what to do, and yes, I do let him. That is our agreement. I am not bullied, but I am out ranked in authority in our relationship, and with my consent. One of the reasons we keep our arrangement a secret is that it is so disapproved of in today’s western culture. Our power dynamic is associated with women being devalued or even mistreated. The only paradigm most women know is that of oppressed and oppressor. Grant and I are neither of those, but I can understand how the concept does not compute to those who speak the language of our predecessors.
What’s going to happen when my sister-in-law hears her brother tell me what to do this summer, and she sees me do it? I am sure I will get a talking to. I imagine I will hear something like “You need to explain a few things to my brother, like who’s in charge here!”
Will “He is.” be my answer?
A Reader Asks: Am I Crazy For Being Drawn to D/s?
Hello, I wonder if I may ask a question. I am a Christian female who is interested in the D/s lifestyle. I am having a really hard time reconciling this with my faith. To make matters more difficult I am married to an agnostic who finds this all pretty weird. This makes me feel even worse. Am I crazy for being drawn to this ? Are there a lot of us “freaks” out there ?
Stelle
I believe that the D/s or Dd lifestyle, and BDSM activities, are not any more a part of one’s faith that what you choose to eat for breakfast or the colors you prefer to wear. Your faith has to do with your values and spiritual ideas. D/s has to do with your sexuality and how you organize your relationship with your husband. There are many practicing D/s couples who are very spiritual and have strong religious values, There are some who aren’t and don’t. It’s like anywhere else, really.
If you check out the links on the side of my blog there are a few of the many to acquaint yourself with. Then follow their links and you will find lots more. You cannot believe everything you read or take anything at face value. In the end you will have to figure out what you believe, and what will work best for you and your husband. I wish you luck in finding your place, and hope you enjoy the journey!
Sara
Going Nuts
Sooo, when I said in my last post that I hadn’t been doing very well, I meant it. Here’s a tale from the trenches. Sometimes reality blogging is rough!
Last Friday, a week ago, I went nuts. There was a whole conglomeration of stuff that came to a head that day, and it sure wasn’t pretty! I had my period for the 2nd time in 20 days with all of the symptoms, including major PMS. I was trying to organize 3 kids, 3 animals, and ‘stuff’, to leave for the summer. I was blindly careening towards fallout over father’s day as well. I got a phone call from a cousin about coming to the cemetery for a memorial for his mother, and had all sorts of mixed feelings about that. And then Grant had left, moved to our summer place for the next 3 months, Yes I was due to follow, yes I will spend lots of time up there, but we will be apart a lot too, and I don’t like that part of our summers at all.
I was supposed to leave Thursday afternoon but our daughter couldn’t get herself together. I tried to be patient, understanding, flexible. Ok, so we’ll go Friday morning. No big deal. She wasn’t ready Friday either. In fact the kids stayed up watching movies together practically all night Thursday night and no one was getting out of bed Friday morning. I was not happy. I got myself together, ran into work for an hour…why not? …and came back to the house still silent, at close to 11 am. Now I was upset, and just then Grant called to ‘see how I was’. “Not good, thanks!”
I tend to get worried about everybody and everything and although I was mad at the kids I didn’t want him to be mad at them, or get him upset. I had started to worry that maybe our oldest wouldn’t even make it up there, would balk at the last moment, and since I was leaving earlier with our daughter, and counting on him to bring the youngest, what If I got there and the boys didn’t come? And it was father’s day, and Grant would be hurt, but I didn’t want him to think there was a problem, because maybe it was really ok…and on and on.
So he called. He was not in his happy place either. He had all sorts of people working there and had run out of coffee. He needs his morning coffee! He was tense and a brusk, and I told him to just go get his darn coffee, and he argued that he couldn’t, and somehow one thing led to another…really no clue what was said, and it wasn’t even an argument…really it wasn’t! But I do remember being agitated, and all of the sudden I hear “OK Matt, put it over there.” And he turns back to the phone and says, “You are getting punished!” Huh???And how can so many different thoughts run through one’s mind all at the same time?
Instantly and simultaneously I thought:
“What the heck is THAT about?”
“I cannot BELEIVE you said that in front of your worker!”
“OMG Matt is the guy who’s working there this whole summer!”
“I am soooo embarrassed”
“There is NO FRICKEN way!”
“You are such a %*^#!”
And finally “NO!” just “NO!”
Those were the thoughts. What came out of my mouth was bad enough:
“That ‘s Bull Shit! I am getting off the phone!” He said “Fine.” and I did.
I was nuts. How could he do that to me? Say that? He’s going to punish me…and for what? At a time like this? And in front of someone? I’m done…in fact, I am not going! Not now, not ever. I will never go up there again, and certainly not when ‘Matt” is there…and I’ll be damned if I am submitting to any spanking!
I dunno…is it only me who goes through these mental gyrations? Actually, I know it’s not, because close DD friends tell me about their insane moments. We bloggers just don’t often admit them out loud. It’s embarrassing, ya know?
I pulled out my laptop and emailed Grant that I was not coming. It was noon and no one was yet awake. I took a mild sedative, turned off my cell, and cried myself to sleep. I never take drugs like that in the middle of the day, I don’t talk to Grant like that, and truthfully, I still didn’t even know exactly what happened. What I had said? I only know on my part it was a meltdown wrought from hormones and stress. I was over the top, nothing left, and the only option was getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head!
When I woke up it was to my cell vibrating and it was Grant. I was drowsy and momentarily forgot to be mad. He was concerned and sympathetic and kind, and so I just told him that I took something and slept, and I was better and would get coffee and get on the road. I also said I was so upset he said what he did in front of Matt. He said “Honey, first of all it wasn’t Matt it was Mark, who is part of a temp lawn crew, 2nd he had left the building, and 3rd, I would NEVER say that in front of anyone!” It sure didn’t sound that way to me at the time…but I know he wouldn’t lie to me. To my surprise he wasn’t even angry, especially given that he had called 4 times and left multiple emails. Normally he would be very upset and I would be in trouble for that alone, if for nothing else! It’s hard to understand the male mind at times!
Our emails, over several hours with my nap in between, went like this:
S: “You’re getting punished for this” ???
IN FRONT OF MATT…and don’t try to deny it because you said
“Thanks Matt”…and then turned and said that to me.
I am not coming.
G: You cannot refuse to come up here.
Please get back to me.
Love, G
S: I am coming. I didn’t even unpack. I got in bed, cried a little and slept.
I am overemotional, have my period twice in a month, feel sad about my
Dad, the kids, don’t like transitions, and then you yelled at me and I don’t
even understand why.
J is up and we will leave shortly.
G: I love you… take it easy…
Love G
Half way there I remembered the punishment promise and texted:
We’re on our way. Am I still in trouble? Explain pls?
G texted back:
No, it was an emotional response and you are having an understandably difficult time
Love G
So what was all that? Maybe it’s called a relationship in real life? When I got there, we talked just a bit before sleep. I asked him why and what. He said we didn’t need to discuss it, to just let it go. I am guessing I was emotionally spiraling and he heard it, and perhaps he over reacted? I know I sure did. But there are reasons and real life stresses, and while I can’t say this never happens, for neither of us is it very common anymore.
As a side note, I do think women going through menopause should get special exemptions, and the men who live with them might deserve medals of valor!
To Everything There Is A Season
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To everything there is a season, |
ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I’ve been trying to hold steady, but not very successfully these days. One could say it’s understandable, with my world tilting the way it has this past year. But then, this is all just life stuff, ‘normal’, so why is it so very hard for me? I don’t really know why, but it is.
I really truly hate feeling or being out of control. I can hand over control to Grant, but what happens when there are things even he can’t control? I guess that is when he starts his “faith” talk. Not my thing. It doesn’t help. I don’t believe in some ‘being’ up there who watches, fixes, will take care of us. I believe in me, in us, in positive energy, in goodness and light. I even believe there are powers, or perhaps a power greater than ourselves, but I don’t believe in magic or fairies or wishes coming true. And my world has changed and is changing, and there are parts of it that leave me feeling scared and unhappy, sad and alone. And there is no faith that changes that.
My father died last July, and father’s day was harder than I expected it to be. He’s gone. The last of my family. My only sibling, my brother was killed 13 years ago. My mother died 22 years ago, and I still miss her…feel an empty place in my heart for all of them. Now I am the last of us.
I have a wonderful marriage, kids, a full life. I am not complaining, but none of that seems to make this pain less. And then those kids…the 22 year old, bipolar, and he still flounders. Will he make a life?
Our 20 year old daughter is doing well, and we are close, and I am so grateful for that. Yet, I feel her changing, turning away…as she should. She has been almost 10 months with her boyfriend. I don’t know if he’s the one, but their relationship is intimate and deep and feels solid. Good stuff…and she is not only ours anymore.
Our youngest is 16 and having some difficulties. The Dr has put him on medications and I am worried. Will the Dr be telling us he is bipolar next? There are genetic probabilities, I know this, but I am not sure how I will handle that. I so don’t want it to be true, and I worry. I need to do…something.
And me…I am not myself. I am going through menopause and aside from the physical symptoms which are very unpleasant, I have mood swings that leave both Grant and I wondering at times who is that crazy lady? I hate this…feeling like this, being like this. Things shifting and changing.
Grant will be 58 this year. Wasn’t my Dad just 60? I am sure I remember that, so how can my husband be 58? Truly I just don’t know, but it’s all too fast, too much, too hard.
I miss my father terribly. It’s an ache that sits there, deep down inside. My parents. How can they be gone? My love was not enough to keep them here. And it leaves me wondering, in my secret places…who will be next? What loss, what part of me, of us, of who I am will be gone…until there is nothing and no one left. I want to stop time.
So…existential angst? Depression? Maybe just life? In between the tears and fears I am really OK. I go to work and am busy and fulfilled. Grant is at the Ranch with the kids and they all seem good. I am alone at home for this week and then will go back up for 10 days of vacation. I will try to use this time to get myself more centered, and then see if I can focus on all the good stuff in my life…and there is so much of that.
And I really miss my Dad.
Switching Roles
Did that grab anyone’s attention? Any of you who have read here for any amount of time know that just ain’t happening around here…not now and not ever. No, Grant has zero interest in switching, and for that matter, neither do I, at least not at home. I do switch roles almost every day though, from follower to leader when I leave my house, and back again when I return. That transition used to be a challenge, but as I have come into my own within the shelter of our relationship, it feels very natural and almost seamless most of the time. Mostly the switch is pretty smooth, but sometimes I can still feel the gears shifting. Mostly it is enriching and I truly enjoy being all of me, comfortable in my varied roles.
This is a really busy time of year for us. Spring takes Grant out of town a lot, the kids are finishing up school and such, and then the grand exodus to “the Ranch”. That event takes place tomorrow with us moving our three young adult children (16-22) and their stuff, 2 dogs, a cat and 2 horses, and their stuff, 300 miles, up to the mountains for the summer. We’ve done it for years, and I should be used to it, but in truth I have a bit of travel anxiety, and the kids are all about last minute, and no one seems organized in the least, and “Chill Mom!” is all I get when I nag!
Then there is the fact that I am hormonally challenged this week, and Grant has been away a lot, and I feel neglected. I am not in factneglected, and the thought is not reasonable, but I feel it just the same. I’m edgy and pouty and vaguely dissatisfied, and although I know it is not fair, at least some of me almost doesn’t care! The other part strains to act like a grown up with only moderate success. And then, I am teary on top of it. This weekend is father’s day. My father is gone, and the one year anniversary of that death is 2 weeks away. I miss him and am so sad, still, at the loss. My father is gone….
So, although he was only home 2 nights, L Grant was determined to get in a maintenance spanking. He told me to be available at 8 last night and I gave him a hard time. “I really don’t want to.” “I just don’t feel like it.” “I’m put out with you.” Blah, blah, He knew. His response was a hug and a calm but steady, “I know, but we’re doing this anyway. Go get ready.” And I am really grateful for his focus and determination. The man is steady!
So…I did get ready…not happy but ready….and just then the kids set themselves up in a long board game on the dining room table, virtually right outside our bedroom door. I was so tired already, and by 9:30 it was clear there would be no spanking. Grant questioned me on my morning schedule. He was planning on driving himself back to the Ranch early this morning, while I and the kids follow tomorrow. I know my husband and exactly what he was asking, even though we spoke in code right in front of the kids. “I have an 8:30 – 10:00 meeting at the County Offices.” “Can you be back right after that?” “Then I have to go into work, but can go later. I could come back here…” “I will wait until you get back.” Translated this means: “Go to your meeting and come back for your spanking…then we will both go on with our days.” In some ways it felt a tad contrived, over planned, unromantic…but married life gets that way sometimes, especially when you put jobs and kids in the mix, and so we do the best we can. He knew what I needed and that an unattended to wife is not a happy camper in the long term, regardless of what she says she “wants” in the moment!
Thus it was that I donned a nice suit and heels and went and did my CEO gig with some important people, and then several hours later went home at my husband’s insistence. Once there I had 10 minutes to present myself and within another 5 found myself naked over his lap being soundly paddled. I didn’t make it easy on either of us. I wasn’t awful (he wouldn’t let me get away with that) but I was not my most cooperative self. I sort of feel badly when I get like that, but then the truth is sometimes I just need to be a bit resistant and be put back in my place. I need to feel that, and Grant seems comfortable enough with the dance, when that number happens to be played. Played it was and I can still feel the beat when I sit!
After a pretty intense spanking and an hour’s nap, we both went our separate ways. He packed his car and drove north, and I grabbed my suit from the heap on the floor and went back to my office. I sat a bit tenderly issuing those executive orders this afternoon, but when I switch back to work mode, that’s my job.
A DD Question – Should a Dominant Respect His Submissive?
This started as a response to a DD question, one on dominant men and what respect they owe their submissive, but took me elsewhere entirely. It made me think about Domestic Discipline and abuse, and where I firmly believe the lines must be drawn
Sara,
You wrote, “it occurred to me to stand in the corner. I should explain that here ‘corner time’ is not something we have used for punishment. That was Grant’s decision a long time ago, because he did not feel comfortable with it. As you negotiate your way through possibilities, both partners will come across hard lines, things they have a personal discomfort with. This is one for him, and we are of the opinion that those sorts of boundaries need to be respected.”
My question is, does this go both ways? I am not speaking of basic spanking and spanking implements. If a couple is in a power exchange relationship that has a disciplinary component there has to be ’something’ that serves as the punishment process. I mean requirements or activities that are seen by you as offensive, disrespected or demeaned.
There is the component of consensual non-consent, however, if a person feels that a particular activity is disturbing does the dominant partner have a responsibility to accommodate and respect those feelings? Do you have the ability to refuse specific disciplinary activities, not punishment/disciplinary events, activities or are you compelled to submit to all activities as he decides?
Pretty
From Grant: I never would do anything to demean, disrespect or offend Sara. Now, are there things I require that she does not like to do? Yes. For instance, cleaning up her many piles of paper that make me feel like our home is out of control. Of course when you live with other people it is not only courtesy, but essential to compatibility that you do not allow your “things” to dominate the household. Other requirements aside from health and safety items might be for Sara to dress well (not all the time) but I simply do not like unkempt.
“There is the component of consensual non-consent, however, if a person feels that a particular activity is disturbing does the dominant partner have a responsibility to accommodate and respect those feelings?”
Yes, I feel the Dominant partner has an obligation to accommodate and respect those feelings. I will insist on certain things, as long as I do not feel it would be demeaning, disrespectful or offensive to Sara.“Do you have the ability to refuse specific disciplinary activities, not punishment/disciplinary events, activities or are you compelled to submit to all activities as he decides?”
Sara is compelled to submit to all activities I decide for her. However, remember that I will never require her to be disrespected, demeaned or offended. I would never ask her to do things that I know would hurt her. The Dominant partner must hold his submissive partner in the utmost respect and love. Never should they forget their precious responsibility to keep the TRUST that is given them.
G.
I am going to add my two cents here. Every person, and every couple, defines what would be offensive or demeaning differently. There are people who are aroused by the idea of humiliation. Being called “slut” or being publically embarrassed is part of their fantasy life. They then might incorporate some aspect of that into their dynamic, and they are happy with that. I feel each couple must do what works for them…for BOTH of them.
There is a difference between being compelled or pushed towards a boundary that feel frightening or difficult., and one that is abhorant and distrubing. That is one of many reasons why the dominat has to know his submissive very well, and why the submissive needs to believe she can trust him. We don’t even have a safe word, and never have. He KNOWS me, reads me, watches me and hears me. I also know I could put a stop to anything at any time. I never would abuse that, go back on my word to him, and thus he knows 100% if I called a halt to something I would have to be in true distress. My submission is expected, required, and still, of my free will, consented to at once. If it were taken and not given, it would not be much of a gift, would it?
On the other hand, there are sites like Loving Domestic Discipline which have gone way off into left field. I have kept the link because there is a lot of good information, particularly in the earlier writings. However, Mr. LDD now advocates, in his Advanced LDD book, tying your wife to a tree and urinating on her as a means to humiliate her and help her find her submissive self. That’s just a load of garbage. If you happen to be into that sort of kink, like Mr. LDD is, go for it. However, that has nothing to do with Loving Domestic Discipline, but rather with urine play. Similarly, there is a Christian Domestic Discipline forum recently advocating the disregard of consent after marriage, proclaiming that once consent is given, the wife has no say, no right to refuse anything her husband decides to do to her, and frankly, that’s called abuse in any religion. WWJD…beat his wife against her will? Humilate her in front of others? Treat her in a way that made her feel degraded? Hmmm….Nah! I think not.
It concerns me highly that the idea of DD can be used as a vehicle to attempt to legitimize the abusive treatment of women. If the Loving part of Domestic Discipline does not override all other aspects of the relationship, then there is no place for DD there at all.
“If a couple is in a power exchange relationship that has a disciplinary component there has to be ’something’ that serves as the punishment process. I mean requirements or activities that are seen by you as offensive, disrespected or demeaned.”
No. Actually, none of those things occur, even as part of the punishment process. I have been humbled, but never humiliated. I have been spanked, but never disrespected or demeaned. In fact, Grant is very careful to say and show me that he values and respects me. He never punishes in anger, and my emotional well being is always carefully considered. I think, actually, if a woman ‘needs’ to be severely punished, or even punished often, there is something very wrong; something in the relationship, or in the individual. The truth is that punishment does not effect change. Attitude effects change. Punishment works for me as a reminder of what I need to address, and allows us to process issues between us in our marriage. Unless I have made a decision to cooperate, no amount of spanking will move me. My husband has never tried to frighten or intimidate me, but rather to affect a process that brings us together and allows us to work through conflicts.
The reality of my life is that my husband treats me wonderfully. In small ways he is attentive and protective and romantic. In larger ways he cares for my happiness, along with my emotional and physical well being with great focus. He sincerely respects me. Neither my husband nor I think that he is the leader in our marriage is because he is smarter, nor because he is a better person, more capable or even right more often. We don’t even believe our arrangement is decreed by God. We live this way because it makes sense to us, and it has worked to create a more peaceful and loving marriage. I do serve him, and he serves me as well. We are equal in value while unequal in power. I cannot imagine submitting to a man who did not hold me in such esteem. I beleive I deserve that from him! Every woman should hold herself in enough high enough esteem that she should expect respect and kindness from her man.
When I look at my own life, and when I look at others on forums and blogs, I ultimately measure things by the general wellbeing of the individuals in the relationship. For the woman I ask, does she feel valued, respected, loved and cherished? Is her life enhanced? Is she becoming more self confident over time? Is her self-respect increasing? Is she growing as a person and a wife? Can she say NO and be heard if she needs to? If the answer to all those things is not YES, then the Domestic Discipline at best is flawed and at worst is abusive.
Keeping it Real – Less Than Stellar Spankings
In my last post I shared a really special D/s moment, but ya know, when TTWD (This Thing We Do) is part of real life, it covers the good the bad and the ugly. I think it’s important to share all of it, to be truthful about what it is, what it takes, to make a DD marriage work. To that end, I want to tell you about my Wednesday and Thursday of last week….
Sometimes Maintenance Spanking is just a pain in the butt…and I do mean figuratively. Sometimes I don’t feel like it, I am stressed, I am irritated, I am tired…whatever the case may be. I am blessed to have a husband who takes his commitments very seriously and is gifted in the department of consistency. Once he understood the benefits of incorporating this ritual into our lives, he decided to attend to it like any other serious commitment. Thus, unless one of us is sick, or too tired to stand, it happens. I appreciate that…I really do. I believe taking that time for us and our relationship, the ritual of reestablishing our dominant and submissive roles, twice a week every week, has had a huge positive impact on our marriage. I also know there are still times when it is just the last thing I ‘feel’ like doing!
Wednesday was a long day for both of us. I work in the city, an hour away on Wednesdays, and Grant has a 4 weeks seminar he is teaching, and we both got home close to 8 PM. I was beyond exhausted and would have asked to postpone, but for the fact that Grant was leaving in the morning for a business trip and would be gone for the next 5 days. He just doesn’t leave without spanking me!
So spank me he did, except it was one of those where we were both tired, and as things heated up, somehow we started going over ‘stuff’ that needed to be done, things I needed to tell him… a pre-trip discussion…DURING the spanking. I hate when that happens. So my mind was really not in the ‘right’ place when it suddenly popped into my head that I needed to tell him we were down to the last bale of hay for the horses. He needed to order a delivery before he left. He was annoyed. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”(I don’t know!) “Why didn’t our daughter take care of it?” (She’s been away for a week!) “They probably won’t be able to deliver and I will be delayed because I have to go pick up the hay in the morning!” (No, I will deal with it!) He was annoyed, and I got annoyed that he was annoyed, and we went back and forth…finally he was annoyed that I was annoyed that he was annoyed…and by that time, as he was spanking pretty hard he reminded me that I might not want to be arguing with the man with the paddle! This is very true, but it also makes me mad…makes me want to make a point of resisting…showing him that I am NOT going to be intimidated by that paddle, and when I am right I am right! I have argued that point and lost in the past…it truly is not a bright thing to do, but sometimes we gals need to take a stand! Why? I have no idea…because, that’s why! I then fell into silence as I contemplated how big a spanking I really wanted to push for and whether it was worth it. Yep, I really do think like that sometimes! Then…I realized I was just too tired for this, and he was being ridiculous, probably because he was tired too, and I said “You know, this is really dumb that we are arguing about the hay right now!” Whack, whack… “yeah, you’re right”. We got it done and went to bed. No great D/s moment, just a routine spanking and much needed sleep…and sometimes folks, that’s all there is!
Thursday morning I decided to sleep in and go into work a bit later. At 9:15 am our fire alarm system went off. Turns out the phone company was working on the lines and triggered it, but we didn’t know that at the time. We ran out of the bedroom, the boys ran down the stairs, everyone sleepy, confused and trying to figure out what was happening. The siren screamed for 20 minutes while I found my glasses, tried to disable it, and realized I don’t know the code! I also, as it turns out, forgot the secret password. We had the thing installed 4 years ago and never use it. The conversation was one of these:
“Sara turn it off! What’s the passcode?
“I don’t know the passcode!”
“How can you not know the passcode?”
“Well…I forget! Do YOU know the passcode?”
“I wrote it in the file when I had the guys here a few months ago. Where’s that file?”
“What file?”
“The file!! “You know…where I wrote all the information!”
“Grant, I don’t l know where your file is and I wasn’t here when those guys came!”
“You must have moved it, because it was right there!”
“OMG!” Sara walks out of kitchen in exasperation….
The siren is still screaming and now there is a loud voice commanding us to “Vacate all rooms! Vacate all rooms! Vacate…”
Sigh, and I had not even had one cup of coffee yet! Long story short, we had no code, could not locate the file as it was moved when the kitchen was painted last month, and no one remembered the password either. That meant that when the alert company called they could not NOT call the fire department, (because I didn’t know my secret password) and we had to talk to the police and the fire department in pajamas before the morning coffee. It was a really rough start to the day!
So what does this have to do with DD? Not much, but somehow it resulted in me having to spend time this Saturday morning sorting through the two piles of ‘important’ papers in the kitchen and organizing things. This was, to my irritation, one of the tasks Grant left me with when he took off later that day. It included mutterings about “Your piles of paper” and “I want them all gone” and “If there’s anything left on these counters when I get back it’s going right into the trash!”
Tsk. Well, if I was not the kind of “submissive” wife I am, I would point out that now that the papers are sorted and gone, I know that a quarter of them were his! The rest were split between me and the kids, and nowhere in any of them was a file with a passcode or instructions. And…so what! It needed to be done, clutter makes him edgy, and it ended up that he put it on my plate. If only all our differences were so easily resolved, hmm? I don’t much like organizing things, but then I remind myself that he does many things that he doesn’t care to do either, and whomever’s clutter it was, it needed to be gone. Dr Phil is quoted as asking “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”
It’s a question I have learned to ask myself often. Happy wins hands down for me!
A Lesson in Ying and Yang – My Light bulb Moment
This happened last week. I wrote about it and asked Grant to add his thoughts…..
Sara:
One of the benefits of this journey into relationship management we undertook, better known as Domestic Discipline, is the relationship development that came out of that. The part that was less expected was the personal growth that DD would facilitate. It makes perfect sense, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know when we began.
Grant and I had a really wonderful week together and found ourselves with numerous opportunities for some very connected intimate time. One evening, just for “play” he asked (told) me to be in the bedroom at 8 PM. There was no specific agenda or instructions, and so while I waited for him I sort of organized the room a bit, lit a candle, undressed…and waited. I didn’t want to just sit in the bed, paced, considered what to do with myself, and then it occurred to me to stand in the corner. I should explain that here ‘corner time’ is not something we have used for punishment. That was Grant’s decision a long time ago, because he did not feel comfortable with it. As you negotiate your way through possibilities, both partners will come across hard lines, things they have a personal discomfort with. This is one for him, and we are of the opinion that those sorts of boundaries need to be respected. But, we have used it more as an erotic/disciplinary tool.
So, as I considered, and then put myself in the corner…first time ever for that…it did occur to me that it was more or less for both of us. I felt a need to perhaps get a bit quieted and focused…for him, and hoped to please him, as well. He was pleased…very. I asked him how it made him feel, and his answer truly moved me: “Valued. I feel valued.” I was so moved, and felt that an inner door was creaking open inside me. Does anyone else get that feeling when you suddenly feel a key turn, and you don’t know what the door leads to yet, what it will mean…but you hear and feel the click of the lock?
I took me a couple of days to mull it over. Finally, I was ready to discuss it. I had not asked or talked about it at all with Grant…it was too new, important, and I wanted time to consider what had happened. When I did I bring the moment up, I asked him how it felt, what about it made him feel “valued” and also told him how moved I was that I could inspire those feelings in him. He explained that the gesture of putting myself in such a submissive posture, unasked, made him feel “valued”, that it demonstrated to him that he was worth that to me.
And then the light bulb came on:
“So do you mean that when I give you my submission, unrequested or demanded it makes you feel good…”valued”?
“Oh, absolutely!”
“It feels different than when you tell me to do it?”
“Yes, it feels more like a true gift, freely offered.”
“OK, so something just occurred to me. You know how I have told you that if I need to ‘feel’ your dominance, and I ask for it, it’s OK , but somehow less satisfying than when it is given without me having to ask? Is it like that…more powerful when I can anticipate what you might need or want and offer it without you having to ask?”
“Totally! When I direct you to do something and you do it, whether it is a task or an act of submission, I am pleased. When you anticipate my wishes or needs unspoken, and give me that unbidden, I feel understood and matched, completed. I feel like we are deeply connected and the intimacy between us is even more deeply satisfying.”
Wow. Who would have thought our men have those kinds of feelings and needs? Well duh!!!! But we don’t talk about that much. I don’t read about it on blogs. Some of that is that mostly women write on blogs, and perhaps some of that is that men don’t tend to focus on the emotional, let alone verbalize it very often. Maybe some of it is that I have been so wrapped up in my needs and feelings that I have been less aware of how this lifestyle has impacted my husband. I have seen him flourish as I have. He is happier, more fulfilled, both at home and at work. He is gentler and kinder and more loving towards me than he ever was before. He is more confident with me, with himself, and in his life.
It is so satisfying to me to know that I have something to offer him that is important in this dynamic. It’s also amazing to realize the tremendous power I have in our relationship, through my submission!
Grant:
When a man is responded to in a positive way, it is that same emotional response that many women have, however different it might be in the outward signs. If a man feels valued, he will respond more positively to those who he perceives value him. This is true of all people, male or female.
However, in DD, when a man sees his wishes adhered to without coaxing, pushing or requesting, aside from the affirmation of power and dominance, the feeling of “completeness” and “wholeness” comes into play. Much like a symphony conductor who has to stop his great musical work to instruct the cellist who keeps hitting the wrong note unless re-directed, so too does the male “conductor” feel a sense of “interruption” of a great work when he constantly has to remind his mate about their dynamic in the relationship.
This is not to say that regular reminding is all bad. If a man does spend his time re-establishing his dominance over his woman, that means he cares enough about the relationship to work at it. Yet, at some point, the woman must find a way to become the “submissive spirit of her femininity in all it’s glorious privilege”. (Yes, I quote myself from a private journal.)
What I mean by that statement is that I believe Femininity is really a great and divine aspiration that, when coupled with the spirit of Masculinity, logically and ideally becomes a powerful and fulfilling entity that unites two human souls. Only through physical and emotional avenues in concert can spiritual realms be travelled.
Physical submission, using spanking or other methods, are a good start to find the most elusive desire of most women (and some men) in this modern world. Although these processes are often sneered at by “Feminists”, numerous references to them are found in many of our ancient writings, including the Bible and many other religious texts. The advantage of physical (and emotional) boundaries creating psychological well being is evidenced in countless documents by psychologists, anthropologists, and other researchers.
Emotional submission logically follows Physical submission. If, within physical boundaries, a woman can feel safe, secure, cared for, loved and responded to on a consistent basis, she can then submit with confidence trusting that her true feminine nature will be protected and allowed to suspend defenses and resistance in order to fulfill its most powerful and satisfying goal: a peaceful and effortless state of contentment where nothing can harm her or disturb her spiritual lightness.
For both Masculine and Feminine essence to fulfill their vast potential for fulfillment, they are intrinsically linked for success or failure. If the perceptions related to political considerations remain the focal point for male/female relationships, those relationships will ultimately fail.
I believe it is only in the interpersonal realm that this promise of fulfillment be achieved.
