The Power of the Panties
Sometimes, you just have to laugh! If it’s at yourself, even better. This post might be best for women only, as there are some things men are better off not knowing. Gentlemen, if you should decide to read on, I assume no responsibility for anything.
Several weeks ago Grant finally asked the question. I more or less knew it was coming, half realized I would be caught, was really trying to get a step ahead before it came to that, but just never quite managed to. Just 4 little words…
“Did you exercise today?”
Ah Shoot! “No.”
Surprised, “What?”
“No…I didn’t.”
“Why not?” (He looks at the kitchen clock. It is 4 PM)
“Because, I just didn’t…yet” (trying to imply I would soon)
Scowling slightly, “Did you exercise yesterday?”
(Uh oh, this is not going well) “Well…mmm, no.”
“When was the last time you did exercise?”…silence…..”Well?” the eyebrows go up.
“Wait…I am trying to remember!…Thursday, I am pretty sure.”
He turns to the sink, commenting over his shoulder, “If I were you, I would be closing that laptop and hurrying to get that exercise done right now!”
The infamous, “We’ll discuss this later.” was implied but not spoken. Oh no, now what? Every woman in a DD relationship knows the code. “Discuss” means he will be talking, with an implement of some sort, and I will be listening and agreeing to whatever he says. Sheesh. OK…so…I’ll worry later…maybe go exercise first? Now, while I am following directions ever so cooperatively, at least I can speculate about what is going to happen instead of being bored out of my mind while I excercise!
Will he or won’t he? The infraction is not mega. I mean, yes I am supposed to and I haven’t, but…major crime, nah. On the other hand, we did agree I would start a regular exercise routine up again, and I have been stalling, and it is a health issue, which he takes seriously…and I have already been warned. But I did over half of what I was supposed to. OK. But any kind of punishment is not a happy thing and I begin to think maybe I have reason to worry.
Fast forward to that evening, same kitchen table, same husband glancing at the same clock. “I’d like you to be ready in the bedroom at 8 pm.” And he walks out. Ready? Ready for what? There is no clear “in trouble” tone or look perceived, and I am left to wonder at the nature of our appointment. There will be spanking almost certainly, but what kind? A girl needs to know these things!!!!
At 7:15 I decide to go ‘get ready’. But…what am I getting ready for? I walked into the bedroom where Grant was reading and mentioned that I would be in shortly. Then, although I knew, couldn’t help but ask what I was getting ready for. “Your spanking.” “I know… but what kind?” “I am still deciding that.” “OK”, since I realized this was NOT the time to take issue but rather to demonstrate proof of my complete if sudden demeanor of obedience!
You see, the “what kind” makes all the difference. There are codes for dress and preparations to be made. These are not his codes but mine. If he wants something specific, he is specific. He often just instructs “get ready”. I have developed my own pre-spanking rituals, some of which are rather silly, but…I do them anyway. I don’t know if they really help, but I have always been an optimist. Well, knowing that this infraction was not a super big deal, I went for black lace…I mean, whatever is going to happen, you might as well look good, right?
In days long gone by, it used to be that any sort of spanking made me very nervous. I still get nervous, but not for any kind but a punishment anymore. Back then it was all new, it hurt, and while I wanted to do this thing, at least in the abstract, the fantasy and the reality are quite different. Being “in trouble” more or less freaked me out, and I really needed to DO something with myself in the hours before. That turned into a shower, all kinds of grooming, skin creams, hair washing, blow drying with the use of sundry products, including root lifter. You will never see me showing up to a spanking with bad hair!!!
Then there is the issue of attire. Now the reality is most of it is coming off anyway, but that is entirely beside the point! I remember, with stellar hair, clean and shiny, fragrant and voluminous, I stood in front of my closet, doors flung wide. “What does one wear to a spanking?” I would ponder. How much trouble am I in? Which implement will he use? What’s coming off? How fast? Will it help if I wear layers? Yes guys (who are not supposed to be reading this) , we (I cannot be the only one! ) do think like this, when it comes down to the wire, and true desperation sets in. I have been known to choose flannel pajamas over nylon, wear panties underneath when I never do that, even knowing there is the strong likelihood that whatever I am wearing will quickly be dispensed with anyway.
Now, If I am really worried about the fate of my derriere, sexy new panties are a must! All girls schooled in the ancient and secret arts of mysterious womanhood know that one should never underestimate the power of the panties! Lace is nice, colors help, the cut must be revealing but not too too, and he has to have NEVER seen them before! This is a cardinal rule, because if the vision is not an immediate distraction, if his attention is not torn from his intended mission to the offering now laid before him, your moment of advantage is lost! There is that one pivotal moment in time, the reveal, and it can make or break your spanking experience. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is war girls! If you can inspire your spanker to pause, to gaze, the tables will have at very least tilted. He was in complete control and you, OTK, in complete surrender. Suddenly, he is diverted, and your spanking is on it’s way to a quick resolution. Oh he will still spank, but now his mind wanders. And surely if we know anything about our men, we can appreciate that multi-tasking is not a strength! He is now wanting to wrap up this portion of the scheduled programming quickly!
I know. I can be very bad. But somehow, I have not had the impression my husband minds so very much!
The Dilemma of Need – Part 2
I hate it when my real life gets in the way of cyber life! Work, kids, marriage…left me no time to write the responses your comments deserved. I want to say that the comments were so wonderful! There is nothing better than a post generating good discussion, and all the feedback was very much appreciated! There is so much there, I decided to make it into it’s own post and address each comment in depth:
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Chuck said, Sara, another well written piece and you have touched on a several major points.
As you may remember, I have voiced concerns here before about me (the man) being this all powerful creature in the relationship. I don’t believe this is possible for any person. In a relationship, one partner is always stronger in some areas and weaker in others and often these are complementary to our partners. I believe that as part of TTWD, each partners strong areas need to be agreed upon as part of the TTWD agreement. For example, if one is better at dealing with child issues, maybe the roles need to be reversed when dealing with children. In other words in your case, Grant needs to cede control to you without argument in these places. Of course, you will listen to his opinion as intently as he listens to you in the situations where he is in control but the decision is ultimately up to you and he will follow you in this circumstance. There needs to be some kind of balance of control. This does not negate his HoH position at all. It is like a strong boss allowing a trusted and capable employee to take the lead on an issue where the employee has a strength greater than his. However, at the end of the day, he is still boss.
Can a man “really enjoy” punishing his wife? I don’t think so and here is why. Punishment is not enjoyable for ether party. When a man starts to enjoy punishing his wife, it has turned into a kink and is no longer TTWD. I believe that even in a spanko relationship, if it is real punishment for a real transgression, even a spanko would not enjoy the punishment aspect. However, I will like others comment on this subject.
As for the comment about women not wanting to ask for what they want, this is an issue that men have confronted since the beginning of time. As men age, they understand this issue more and more but it can still confuse us at times when we don’t understand the entire need or don’t catch it at all. Without turning into an abuser, there is a fine line that men must never cross. So when your man does not “get what you need”, it is sometimes caution on his part. Grant probably knows you need something but is not sure what or how strong you need whatever it is you need. This need can be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to being thrown down on the bed, spanked, and taken without regard to any resistance you may put up.
Also, you have to remember that in general men are physically bigger and stronger than their partners. We can often take you physically at any time we want and we all know it. In a relationship, this is a great capability but is also a great responsibility. We must use enough strength to take you to some invisible and moving line, without crossing over, and back again. I am a big strong guy and I know I must never use all my strength against a women, even in play, because that would turn me into something nobody wants and possibly injure her in the process. Then we would not be able to play the next day.
I hope all this helps. Chuck
Chuck, you make several interesting points. I guess you are right about men enjoying punishment. Punishment for play is about kink. Real life punishment in TTWD is very emotionally intense and difficult. It revolves around real problems between the couple and how can one enjoy that? It is like asking of you enjoy a real marital argument.
I think you are very right about a man not knowing exactly what his wife might need in the moment. Heck, the truth is sometimes we don’t know ourselves. At the same time, often we feel we have communicated and are not heard. We have worked on our communication skills, the language we use and how we understand each other, and there has been much progress. Still, we sometimes miss each other.
Regarding using your strength, Grant would never physically force me into anything. If I do not accept willingly, if not happily, what he tells me to do, even discipline, he waits until I can willingly submit. That is part of his expectation of me, and it offers us both the protection of knowing there is full consent. Sara
Ally said, Sara, I think that your thoughts on P coincide with your thoughts on needs and how men and women get them differently are related. Women have a bit of control over earning punishment or not. We either earn it or we don’t. Men react with punishment to our action or lack of. My husband wouldn’t punish on a whim. I’m glad that men don’t enjoy punishing, and I don’t enjoy being punished, more so because of the feelings of guilt than the pain. Let me go back for a minute, when I feel neglected, unattended, there is usually a good reason, life is busy. I feel selfish asking for what I need sometimes. I hate asking. However, I think that a P is the only kind of spanking that we can “earn” without “asking” and it demands the attention of our partner. Perhaps this is why we crave that scenario – the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it. Just a thought…
Ally, I am still not sure why we might crave punishment. I just know lots of us do…at least in fantasy. Yes, “the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it” happens, but I suspect it is also the level of intensity that speaks to us. There are typical couples who go through cycles of knock down drag out fights, and the underlying cause is the fire it ignites between them. I think it might have to do with a need to be taken to the edge of loss of control and intensity. I know that when we engage in more D/s like activities, it touches a similar nerve. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know! :) Sara
Serenity Everton said, Have to think before I give a complete response but, fyi, you were correct about Chris. He does not care to punish me, he does it because I need him to – because it absolves guilt, clears the air, allows us to resume emotional intimacy…
Now, spanking me for little things, or for D/s infractions … he’s all over that and usually with a grin on his face. It’s hard to feel guilty about those when he’s looking forward to the aftermath so much. lol. S
Serenity, I know you are busy writing wonderful stuff, but sometime I really would love to know more about what you think! What you said about Chris is very interesting. It could describe Grant, except that instead of spanking for little infractions, he just spanks for nothing, and because he feels like it, and because I need it, and because it is Tuesday. Mostly that works for us. Sara
Marie said, Sara, this is such a dilemma…as you have said. I can really relate to the intensity of the need to feel completely overpowered and truly punished. And like you, I think it would be dishonest and ultimately unfulfilling to pick a fight or artificially set myself up for being punished.
However, it’s also a form of dishonesty to put on an air of calm and contentment, or submissiveness when underneath you are roiling with anger and need. Practiced perfection isn’t an honest reaction to feeling neglected and unseen. Putting up walls and hiding, while often being more polite, doesn’t have any place in the type of marriage that you and Grant are striving for.
For instance, if Grant were to ask you this evening if you’d exercised today, the polite response might be “Yes, dear.” But the honest response, based on your inner-turmoil and angry(ish)-ness might be “Bite me, Grant!” I’m not saying that the first thing that jumps to mind is necessarily the thing that must be said, but this studied air of calm complaisance and submission seems to be a sort of cop out when it comes to engaging in a real relationship with your partner. There are plenty of times when calm and contentment ARE the real feelings, but when they aren’t, don’t pretend.
And for Grant, his polite reaction to your anger might be “I can see that you’re tired and out-of-sorts tonight, Sara. I forgive you.” But the honest reaction would most likely be to march you into the bedroom and lay into you with a paddle.
Women are emotional, irrational, high-strung and passionate. If you need Grant to unleash his male-ness on you, it would be fair to say that you need to be more honest in sharing your less studied and practiced female responses with him.
Please forgive me Grant. I am not trying to “start” something. I am just saying that for Sara to put up walls and hide her true feelings is destructive to the relationship in it’s own way. It’s good to be polite. It’s important to share our best selves with our spouse. But when our honest reaction is to yell and pout because we are feeling insecure, unstable or misunderstood, then so be it.
Please tell me if I am wrong. I am completely willing to be wrong, but I think that studying less and feeling more might be okay now and then.
Marie, First, I always appreciate your candor! Second…well I have mixed feelings about honesty within a marriage vs. letting it all hang out. I really do strive to be honest. I don’t keep secrets nor am I allowed to. We agreed on that a long time ago. And I am not talking about not being entitled to my privacy, but anything that affects me and will affect us needs to be shared. If I am acting like something is wrong and he asks and I say “nothing” that does not fly. On the other hand, to take your example, if he asks if I have exercised and I am grumbling inside but answer nicely, that might be an effort in self discipline that is needed and desired. The issue is if I hide something that is emotionally significant. Am I grumbling because I am truly resentful and we need to talk? Or is it that I am just cranky but it will pass? I feel I do need to act like an adult within my marriage!
The self doubt about the honesty came when I chose to accept, wait, let things go, and the discontent grew from something small to something of significance, and I spoke up, but softly, then said more, thought I was heard, but apparently not…and on and on. This time it ended up in a miss between us. However, Grant later told me, after we talked, that he realized was really off himself. He was not feeling great, not as focused, and he had not directly told me that either. Sometimes, we mess up.
I will be more carefully watching myself to see if my stellar behavior becomes a problem going forward! ;) Sara
BabyMan said, Sara, thanks for the post.
“Small infractions do not cut it for us. Not only would Grant not punish for them, but I have been there, being spanked for something I didn’t buy into.”
I’m pretty certain – even in our infancy with “ttwd” – that I could never bring a real punishment upon SugarAnne for a “small infraction”. Punishments for small infractions are, for her, a cleansing; for me, a way to vent my accumulated frustration and for both of us a way to enjoy reconnection, intimacy and ultimately tender and passionate lovemaking. A real punishment, I suppose, is too heavy for lightweight stuff. In the same way you look forward to it – and not. That’s the same way I look forward to it – and not. I wonder if I’ll be able to when it is indisputably necessary (and desired).
“Does he need to punish? Do any of you dominant partners find yourselves really wanting to punish your partner?”
I think I “need” to punish in order to move our “ttwd” relationship forward. But it is not an aching personal need. I did however notice that earlier in the week my “A game” was beginning to slip and I felt the bona fide need to spank SugarAnne in order to reboot it. I was concerned that I would be lifting myself up by putting her over my knee. There was no small infraction upon which to punish so the need led to an erotic spanking and passionate love. We both enjoyed that.
The day that a need for punishment rears its (ugly? pretty?) head is the day BabyMan finds out what he’s made of. My “need” is: I want to be able to punish when necessary.
BabyMan, I am pretty sure every dominant partner in this sort of marriage faces the same concerns. Grant has told me it is really really hard to do what he must, what I need, what we agreed to, if a true punishment is called for. On the other hand, a failure to carry through would be emotionally devastating to me. When we enter into TTWD we let down our walls and agree that you will care for us. To keep us safe in all kinds of ways, we need to know we can count on you, trust you, give up all control. Any seed of doubt has huge impact and the walls naturally go up. When you see the positive impact on the relationship, it will help a lot.
As for the need to spank and/or be spanked, that is why we do lots of other kinds of spanking very regularly. It hugely takes the edge off! The truth is, after we talked, and I got what I needed from Grant, which was a long hard spanking, I became totally settled. It is just astounding how that works! Sara
Mick said, Sara, I believe it is a sign of maturity to act in the way you think is good, even if you don’t feel like it inside.
On the other hand, it is also good to acknowledge your inner feelings, and I’m sure Grant wants to hear about those, even if you’re busy and have to schedule it in.
I wasn’t sure exactly you were talking about when you said you didn’t like saying what you need. But you also know that one of the things that frustrated men who love their women is that they can’t know without being told. And sometimes even when words are used, sometimes we still don’t get it. I’m considered perceptive, but I often don’t get it either. I really appreciate it if my wife will verbalize what’s going on (you gals are supposed to be good at that, I’m told).
Finally, could you help me with some clarification? You mention a need to a Punishment spanking even if there is no action on your part to warrant it. An intense spanking without the punishment aspect is not always adequate. If the physical act is the same, what makes the difference? Is there some generalized guilt that needs to be assuaged? Do you need the husband to scold even if there is no reason to?
As always, you write thought provoking posts and I always look forward to them.
Mick, I agree, there has to be a balance between holding in feelings appropriately and letting out things that need to be shared.
Yes, I know we women can be frustrating, but sometimes it is very hard to just come out and say what we need in a direct way. It is not quite comfortable for us. Women generally communicate differently, more subtlety, indirectly, using more emotional and descriptive language. We think we have told you, and you don’t hear the meaning behind the words. It is the male/female divide.
On your question about punishment: A true big punishment spanking is much worse (literally harder) than any other kind. Lesser punishments might not be as intense physically as a maintenance spanking. The intensity is emotional. I am not sure about your quilt question. I am a Jewish woman, ergo I am always a bit guilty. That was not intended as a joke, btw! I know other women…Serenity and s, for instance, who are not Jewish, and don’t talk about their guilt, and who do fantasize about the punishment scenario. Most spanko literature that women read is about that dynamic. The heroine earns a punishment spanking and it is delivered. I suspect like romance novels are about a virile male overcoming a saucy, spirited or resistant female, spanko literature tells the same tale in spanko terms. That leads me to think the punishment scenario is the purest expression we have of a Jane and Tarzan dynamic?
s said, I am in this exact spot with R, and could have written this post myself.
Thanks for writing it. I could not, I don’t think.
R does not like to punish me, which is why I think at times he “seems” to be looking the other way when he really should put me in my place, so to speak. I am pushy and assertive (altho I try not to be in certain areas), and the more he ignores it the more out of control, uncontained, and needy i feel. Then, like you, I start erecting walls, so as to not expect what I need in order to not be disappointed when it doesn’t get fulfilled. Then I, like you, get angry. At myself for needing what I need, and he being the one who provides it. And angry at him for not getting it sometimes. Like you, I don’t like the way I feel when I feel like this…..so I push it down. Do the “right thing”. iron the shirts, cook the meals, yet….at a distance……
Sometimes I wonder…..do we really need our heads?? I mean, honestly… s.
s, I think we occasionally struggle with Grant looking the other way too, although we have talked about that so much that it doesn’t happen as often anymore. He wants to give me the benefit of the doubt, and for things to be peaceful between us. However, he also knows the results, as you describe, an increasingly out of control, freaked out, and insecure wife! One DD husband described the man’s choice as “Pay now or pay later!” i.e. It is not like ignoring her faltering is going to make it all go away, and if you require her to rev up before you intervene, you do no one a favor. Sometimes I wish I didn’t react like this, but I do, and so do you and all the other DD wives I talk to! Either we are a particular breed or it is that we allow our husbands control, and then simply learn to depend on them for that! Sara
Vanessa said, A poignant post, Sara. No easy answers, but your ponderings reflect my reality as well. Thanks for sharing; it’s nice to know I’m not alone! Vanessa
Venessa, thank you. I think from the comments you can tell you are SO not alone! Sara
Chuck said, Since it is mostly women responding here and not giving clear answers to how men are supposed to interpret a woman’s needs, please give us men some help here.
As I said in my original response, your need may be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to something much more … severe. I have been married and know that sometimes the women does not know herself what she really needs exactly.
Assuming that the man would know the women very well, he would have some idea of the general needs of his partner at any particular time. Therefore he would know a general target to shoot for but what about stepping over the line by punishing too severely. Does this automatically negate any good that he was trying to do by attempting to satisfy her needs?
Also, since an exact hit of the “right” amount of punishment would not always happen, are we better to overshoot or undershoot the severity of the punishment?
After all, in the end, this is all that everyone wants to do: satisfy our partner’s needs to the best of our ability. Chuck
Chuck, you’re back! 
Right, we gals don’t always know what we need. I think some of this we learn together by hit or miss. It might sound strange coming after my post, but the answer is to talk and talk. I wrote this post and had Grant read it the day before it went up. I wrote to work out what I was feeling, and then to tell him the things that I could not say. After he read, we talked about it. That was when I found out that in this case, he thought the miscommunication was both of us. I did say things that normally clue him in, but he wasn’t listening as closely as he typically does. I misread that signal from him, and waited. How are you guys to know when to push? How are we women to know when no response means we need to say it again? Sometimes it means you are choosing to not respond. Two people in any relationship is a challenge. A man and a woman in a relationship can be especially tricky.
One side comment about punishment: I think we all vary in what it takes for us to ‘feel’ punished. That requires figuring it out. But I also think that much of the power for most women comes not in the literal physical “severity” but from the emotional impact. When you create a true punishment scene, how hard you swing the paddle becomes not irrelevant, but significatly less important. Do you know what I mean? Sara
Lisa said, Then we wait! I have been spanked for every reason, fun, deserved it, if you’re going to act like a child…I will treat you like one, also for P. I remember 1 clearly. I lied to M, it was small but that is not tolerated at all. What I remember most about it was yes the spanking was hard and long, but at one point M changed the implement. He then said I am finding no pleasure out of finishing this but you lied & I have to. I swear M could have spanked me for days and it never would have hit me like those word’s. I instantly broke to tears, weeping. I have to say he looked confused for a moment & asked why are you crying so hard? My answer came out because you are punishing me. I knew I did something wrong, I knew he didn’t want to have to go there, M has told me he doesn’t want to have to punish, he loves me and that is hard. That particular P was about a yr ago. I don’t now remember the pain, the nervousness, but I have never forgot that feeling of how I felt when he said that. As you might remember M & I had to put a hold on our relationship, we are working very hard to get everything back to us. This hold was because of me, waiting, not speaking with him of my need’s, I put my wall’s up, I got angry, I was upset and I hated waiting so needless to say when I did speak it was pure frustration. That caused nothing but sadness for both. I have always found it hard to ask for spankings or what I really wanted. It’s awkward! Why can’t he just know? Because he is really not a mind reader. Shocker to me! But true. We went to dinner last night, after I said I am so glad we went there instead of the other place, that’s where I really wanted to go. He said well you know you have a voice to say what you want to, I said I know, then laughed and said no I don’t know lol. I shared more of myself here tonight then I ever did on your blog, maybe because I know the feeling’s to well, maybe i do want the p’s, maybe just for myself knowing if I don’t ask it is my wall and not his, blocking him from hearing me, & having me sit on the other side of that wall waiting. I’m taking the wall’s down. I want him to be able to hear me and me him. I don’t think any of our men want Stepford wives, maybe close lol. But more so they do want to hear us, just in a calm and healthy way. Sorry it was so long. Just breathe & tell him…
Lisa, I am so glad you are doing better, and thank you for sharing! Yes, you are right that when we shut ourselves off and won’t express our real needs, we do a disservice to our husbands and our relationship.
I also understand the emotional impact of feeling like you have disappointed your husband, or really done something wrong. There is no degree of spanking that hurts like that awareness, but having a process to work through it, and to be forgiven and to forgive yourself is so very helpful! Sara
A. Lurker said, Sara, Hope you are feeling more settled by the time you read this. As you know, I consider you and your blog very sane and thought provoking. I respect what you and Grant do to create a close relationship. As I read your profound post it provoked some thoughts of my own. They are just points I am pondering and hopefully they come across respectfully as I would never want to offend you. So here goes!
Concerning the “punishment fetish”, that “high” feeling of infatuation with dd vs the ebbs and flows of the long term dd relationship makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if there is more to it than that. Obviously I don’t know you personally but I know many of us woman suffer from that on-and-off feeling of guilt. Could I be a better wife? Could I be a better mom? Is the house tidy enough? That kind of stuff. By the tone of your post it seems like there is angst over feeling needy, a bit of guilt over the fact that you are becoming better at hiding, knowing he is not a mind reader yet wanting him to figure it out. Could there be an inner feeling that if you got that “P” that guilt makes you think you deserve it would wipe the slate clean?
You also talk about waiting because he is dominate and takes what he needs when he decides. This is curious to me because the tone of your blog whenever you talk about your relationship is about two strong, intelligent adults making sure there is communication and being able to respectfully discuss their points of view. Then if there is no consensus he decides and you accept. It always seemed to me that he welcomed your input. You always say you submit to Grant but you are not a submissive so do you really need to wait passively for him to figure it out?
You also seem to come down hard on yourself for being so needy of him and that triggers all sorts of reactions in you. Yet it is also that need that binds you together as a couple so is it really as bad as it seems? I mean, from what you write, you don’t seem to go through other aspects of your life with other people feeling that way. It is something only for you and Grant and I have a feeling, in his own way he is just as needy of you. From the outside looking in it seems like something to aspire to and something that can be very fulfilling. Am I making any sense?
Anyway, thank you for this profound post as I love reading things that make me really stop and think. Again, I hope I didn’t offend as I respect and admire what you do and the courage you have in talking about it. Hope things are on the upswing now. R.
R, I am always open to your honest feedback, so thank you for that!
Guilt: maybe, although my guilt is not over the small stuff…the house, etc. There are times when I just feel like I am somehow not a good enough wife or mother on a larger scale. Grant would disagree and will be irritated when he reads this, but I struggle with myself at times. I think I have issues from childhood that have to do with believing I should just take care of myself, not need so much from anyone else. I lean on my husband a lot, and he encourages that, but when I something triggers my insecurities, it often plays out in my not feeling like I should need him, his attention or his care taking.
Waiting: Yes, he always encourages my input. But…if he seems not to, if I feel like I have said what I needed (in my own way) and he does not respond, then the feeling of vulnerability increases and I can begin to feel a need to pull back. TTWD leaves us feeling quite naked and we depend on our partner for cover. If his attention looks to be elsewhere, we can get scared.
Needing each other: You are right on the money with that observation. When I am thinking straight, I know he needs me to need him, that we need each other, and the inter- dependency we have created is a wonderful thing. When I feel off balance or somehow more alone, less connected, that need can roll into a fear of being hurt. Sara
L. said, “I’ve noticed one of the results of the progression of our disciplinary relationship is that while he’s gotten better at seeing me, I’ve also gotten better at hiding.”
This comment has been percolating in my brain since I read it. I have been thinking about authenticity, about showing my true self to my husband.
There is a place for private thoughts. There is a place for overlooking faults in the man we love. But if we are hiding resentment, frustration, or hurt feelings, then it’s better to clear the air, even if there must be a lively discussion or frank argument. Not all conflict is to be avoided –if it leads to greater marital understanding and satisfaction, it is healthful for the relationship.
Some years ago my husband told me, on several occasions, that he didn’t want to hear what I was upset about. It apparently threatened him too much and he was afraid to hear it. I asked him if he would rather have to hear it for the first time in front of a counselor, as that would be where we would end up if we couldn’t resolve it ourselves. He reluctantly agreed that it was better to hear it from me now.
Evidently he came to see that my direct confrontation of problems was a good thing because in the years since, he has been very open to anything I needed to tell him– and has become quicker to voice his own complaints when he needed me to hear them! It has led to quicker resolution of problems and growth in our marriage.
And it has helped us to maintain our romantic attraction to each other, because nothing dampens attraction so much as unresolved anger. (I saw that in my parents’ marriage and want no part of it in mine.)
L, you describe just what I was getting at about finding the right balance between hiding and allowing for privacy. Yes, it is about authenticity and putting the marriage above your own needs when you need to. Thanks for explaining it so well! Sara
KayLynn said, Sara, So many thoughts. First of all I do not believe that we are the type of women who are so submissive that we would’ve felt comfortable seeking out someone who was a sadist (& I don’t mean that in a bad way – which is kind of funny don’t ya think?!). Ahem … I think that we chose men who were described in the times as Type A’s. We wanted a strong protector that we knew would match us intellectually. I have personally come to believe that on some levels I have recreated some intangible need to be loved by someone who is an overachiever – who – logistically speaking -often has me on the back burner. I know that it is not the case emotionally. Therein lies the difference (the improvement if you will, from one generation to the next). I know his heart is attached to mine. But it is more known than shown. I do believe that he doesn’t want it to be that way – but he is doing what he learned with many improvements. So all that said, we still sit and wait for the chances to be together. And when we have that chance, it needs to be monumental. It needs to be something that will carry us into the next time which we know won’t necessarily be the next day. And they chose us because of our strength and independence.
Second I think that it is very exciting to have that anticipatory loss of control. Everything I’ve ever written is all about those phenomenal moments of fear in a controlled setting. As an aside, Luvspanking (LS) had a wonderful post about the differences between P and D spankings (as well as maintenance and erotic). The D one is likened to someone conditioning themselves in a sport. He did such a better job – check it out. I finally got the nerve to ask Greg to take me to the edge. – LS was great about pushing me to do just that –
The next thing I am going to ask for is Greg telling me that we are going to have an edge night so that I can feel those butterflies and look at him with a bit of trepidation. I flourish under those Dom types of actions.
elle (theoccasionalmuse.wordpress.com) is very wise and has talked me down off of the building more than once over this exact issue. The concept was that part of being submissive is to do so when we don’t feel like it. Whenever I’ve described this to Greg, it is usually when I’m well passed the retrieval point. And Greg finds this to be a criticism of sorts. It’s as if I’ve said, “You’ve let me down!” He’ll usually respond with a ‘get over yourself’ or ‘control yourself’ ’sounds’ like something you need to work out on your own’. If I tell him before I get crazy I have found much better results. And when nothing works out, I’ll read stories and get my “fix” *sighs*
There’s great beauty and pain involved in being in touch with your feelings! Hugs, KayLynn
KayLynn, a very interesting thought about Type A personalities! That certainly does describe my husband, although in the last few years, I have noticed that truly, he prioritizes me and us so much more than he ever did. I wonder if that just comes with his maturity. I am also a Type A myself, just a variation on his theme. Many times we both wait for each other, and sometimes it gets very hard to put us first. What I did not say until now is part of the reason I convinced myself to wait was all the real life things in the way…work, kids, appointments, him not feeling well…I kept thinking that he did hear me and thought to wait until we/he had time, felt better, etc. Except that when we did have time, it turned out that he had not heard me, Then I crashed! The reality is, as I started with, real relationships, let alone ones that integrate TTWD are hard!
On going to the edge, yes, it meets a real need and there are many ways to do that. I think I mentioned above, it might fill a similar need that punishment does sometimes, maybe because of the intensity?
Telling him before you go crazy is a wonderful idea! I do try! He has also learned to read me pretty well. If I do go crazy (not misbehaved, just crazy) and he has missed the signs, he blames himself. Now, early on, I think he used to feel like your husband, confused and defensive. Over time he learned that he does hold the key and is pretty adept at using it. Understanding his power and feeling more at home with it has allowed him to accept the responsibilities with more comfort and self assurance, I think.
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One of the things Grant said to me when we talked about all of this was that we have worked hard and we do get it right so much these days, we do talk, I do tell, he is consistent, that when we do go off kilter it feels unusually uncomfortable now. We are not used to being out of sync in this way anymore, and that’s a good thing!
Again, thank you for all of your intelligent and thought provoking comments!
Sara
P.S. I am tired of wrestling with WordPress about spacing and font size! Please forgive the presentation!
The Dilemma of Need
This was written this past weekend, before I bickered, we faught, then talked and he spanked…finally! It’s not always easy!
Serenity ( aka Sparkle) wrote an intriguing post on TTWD, about “the problems of taking a fetish and turning it into a working, living relationship.”
I sure do know how this feels. Especially today. Today is not the best of days. I feel needy, neglected even. It’s not his fault. He pays attention, makes time, tries to give me what need. Real life is always pressing, though, jobs, kids, obligations, health, business travel. Grant is also doing a Master’s degree online. It all gets to be quite the juggling act, and sometimes, despite our best intentions, I feel like I go to the back of the line. And sometimes we try and just have a miss. I wonder if it hurts me or him more when there’s a miss. He feels bad so I don’t want to say much. I try to be understanding, but in time I get cranky, misunderstood, begin to feel distant. Then as the need is not met, it grows, and I feel less and less content, more irritable, less wanting to let him see all this upset, and I begin to erect walls. I think it’s an attempt to protect us both? I don’t want to feel so needy. I don’t want to want what he is not giving. I don’t want to be unhappy with him. I want these feelings to just go away. I think I get angry(ish) at him, not for any true failing, but simply because my needs are his alone to meet, and that makes me feel too vulnerable and maybe angry at him for the power he holds.
Sometimes it’s too hard to need anyone the way I need him, and then I just want him to go away. I mean, of course I don’t, but I get scared and it hurts, and so I do. The following is a brand new revelation. He’ll read it here. I’ve noticed one of the results of the progression of our disciplinary relationship is that while he’s gotten better at seeing me, I’ve also gotten better at hiding. I am much more skilled at being what he wants and expects, looking soft and complaint and yielding on the surface. I look fine, balanced, submissive, while inside the downward spiral has begun. Sometimes I think he is missing the truth for my perfected presentation. It’s not that I intend to deceive, but if I can be what he expects, and what I should be, then why would I not? Tell him. Yes, I know, and I do. But I believe I look more together these days than I feel. The irony is that through TTWD, despite all my tremendous effort towards self revelation and honesty, I am wondering if sometimes I have created better smoke and mirrors? I truthfully don’t know.
On the Punishment fetish…Serenity made me realize something. Small infractions do not cut it for us. Not only would Grant not punish for them, but I have been there, being spanked for something I didn’t buy into. I will submit, and yes, it hurts, but as she explained, I don’t really feel sorry. My heart isn’t in it. And big P’s, thank goodness, have been very rare. Hopefully they will stay that way. Smaller punishments are not a huge deal…mostly sending a message and a means of resolution. I can get a really hard spanking by asking for one (well usually…time permitting) But a real punishment is quite different than that. It is the emotional intensity we crave, I think, and how do you create that? Role play is not our thing…and even if it were, it’s not the same as “real”. A hard spanking relieves tension and meets the who’s who burn, but it’s not the same either. Smaller punishments are a bit of both…but not at the same level at all. And NO ONE in their right mind is going to purposefully do something to provoke a serious punishment. So, it has occurred to me, maybe it is like comparing the high of falling in love with the reality of being in love long term? I love my husband and am lucky enough to be in love with him. But the high of “in love”, the intensity, is something that will ebb and flow.
The other issue I have been mulling around is his needs versus mine. I think they are different. In my circumstances, punishment per se does not float his boat. He really appreciates many dimensions and aspect of spanking, but not the punishment experience. That leaves me feeling a bit alone with this recently. It’s such a weird thing…craving what I truly do not want and feeling fulfilled and settled by that which I try hard to avoid. But underneath, I know that the whole of TTWD for us pivots on the fact that he can and will punish me of it is warranted. I don’t know, because I haven’t asked him, but I suspect that the punishment scenario does not fulfill him in that same way. He understands the benefits to me and our marriage. He believes in the domestic discipline lifestyle. He does his duty. I don’t think he feels an internal drive.
Perhaps it’s a real benefit when partners can match their kinks, but truly, does anybody’s match exactly? I doubt it. Serenity’s post made me think about that, because her Chris is clearly “a spanko” and she describes feeling this need in a way that he might not. She needs to be punished. Does he need to punish? Do any of you dominant partners find yourselves really wanting to punish your partner? I’ve felt and read over and over women battling with not bating him into punishing her, knowing this is dishonest and harmful to the relationship. She’s left with the need.
Maybe, just maybe it is because we are women and the dynamic offers us an emotional stability we crave, while our men might not need us in that exact way. They need us, but for other things…emotional connectedness and the softer sides of love…but not to feel solid. Maybe such is the quality of their maleness, that emotional solidness, which is why we more emotional female creatures crave that which we do not have, and they don’t crave that which is already part of them?
One last piece of my ponderings for today: we women don’t want to ask for what we need. It feels like it is not our place to do so. Our men (hopefully) get their needs met by asking and by taking. They are the dominant partners and thus do and create whatever their heart desires. They lead and we follow. They take what they want and we give and we yield with pleasure. Traditionally, we wait… to be seen, felt, our needs to be met. We have secret places that desperately need to be filled…clearly the way we are made.
Yin and Yang. He must seek and find, and empty and yearning, she waits.
And We Think WE’RE Kinky?
Where were YOU last night?
The kids are grown and no one will go Trick or Treat-ing with us anymore, so we went to a party instead. These were some of the hundreds of couples we celebrated Halloween with last night. The next time I worry about being a bit…unusual…I’ll have to think again!
Viva La Difference!
Happy Halloween!
A Daughter Update
She would just die…or kill me, if she knew I was talking about her. But I need to, to be able to work through my own feelings and not burden her with my angst. And she will never, never, never, see this…right? If anything ever happens to me, someone needs to be appointed to go in and delete this blog! Grant won’t know how, and what if we go together? Hmm…I need to appoint a kink executor…implements, the blog, all need to disappear!
So…the bf is coming. He is moving here. We spent 3 days together. The poor young man felt like he was here for a job interview and a potential son-in-law interview. He is not wrong. We were nice, but it is what it is! I like him…a lot. I had more time with him as I took him to work for an hour with me one day, and then took him and my daughter with me to work in the city the next day. He had a formal interview with one person and met others. He has a job offer…with my company. Really, he showed himself to be thoughtful, smart, respectful and sincere. He has skills. That was all at work.
At our home he was also…endearing. He sat at the kitchen table with Grant and I one morning and said “I love your daughter immensely, and my future plans are to marry her, if she decides she’ll have me, and when she is ready.” Later, in front of her, Grant asked about living arrangements. He explained, “No, we won’t move in together now. And we can’t, even if we were ready, because I have no way of supporting her yet. I am still working on supporting myself right now!” She said nothing, but told me after that she nearly fell off her chair. She had no idea he felt that way, and she has always planned to have a career and support herself (She is her mama’s girl after all!) And early on he told her he expected a girl to work. She and I have had several wonderful talks, about men, about relationships, about her future, about how plans can change.
The young man is traditional in some ways. He will want her to have a career, but I pointed out that he may want her home with a baby, should they ever decide to have one, and she may want that too. He has already told her he wants at least one child. She is uncertain. I told her it is natural, and even a good thing, for a man to think about being able to support a family. But I do have to add, I feel like I must be dreaming. I somehow cannot believe we are having these sorts of discussions at OUR kitchen table with one of OUR children!
He is also protective. Last winter she planned on driving home for the holidays and it was predicted to snow heavily. She called me and reported that he told her “If you have not left by 3 Pm you are not going. You will just have to wait until morning. I don’t want you driving in the dark after the storm has started!” Grant was pleased. My daughter was a bit ambivalent. “Well, I am not sure he gets to tell me what to do and I haven’t decided if I am driving today or not!” She was slightly miffed. I smiled into the phone and said “He is just trying to take care of you.” I do know how she felt! But I appreciated his care taking too. The young man has leadership potential. He loves her, he respects her and he asserts authority when he feels he needs to. Occasionally, she even decides to listen. 
Alone one night, I told Grant, “I think I like him a lot.” He responded, “Yes, I like him! OF COURSE I like him. He’s still here isn’t he?” “What do you mean?” I asked. He sighed, “Look, If I did not like the guy, I would have stuffed him back into his car and rolled him down the hill! He’s still here. I like him.” Ya know…sometimes it just hurts my brain!
So he will be here in a few weeks, find an apartment, and our daughter will transfer colleges, either living at home or on a campus nearby. We will see a lot more of them, and we’ll see from there. I am grateful. He said his mother cried when he told her, and I do feel sorry for her, but also know that could be me. Really, we are very lucky.
Last Friday Ally posted this YouTube video. I had seen it before and it’s really funny…in a horrifying sort of way….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
I clicked on it and started to laugh, and then with no warning, some tears. Please….just give me a few more years before we get there…and please, give them better taste than to ask us to pay for THAT!
What Is “Intimate”?
I know there are things I would tell a real-life casual acquaintance LONG before I’d tell the internet. (Like my address, for example.) But there are (obviously!) things I’d tell the online world long before I’d tell a casual acquaintance. Our lines just get drawn in such fascinating places depending on where we are talking and who is in our audience, what we think they can/should/have earned the right to know, and how we fear they will react to what we have to say – what risk it puts us at to tell them. ~Chloe
Hi Chloe,
That is such an interesting question, one I feel requires a whole post of its own! I hope I won’t offend anyone here, but I am a bit worried I might. I am sorry in advance if I do. These are my feelings, my values, and other people might have really different ones. Mostly, unless they are harmful to themselves or others, I can respect others who feel and act differently.
First, let me be clear, I do feel spanking is sexual. It is most often skin to skin contact on what is a private area of the body. I would no more expect or allow a friend or acquaintance to spank me than I would a male friend to touch any part of my body beyond my hand, a shoulder, etc. And, btw, Grant would literally go after any man who tried. Sexuality is so much a part of all of us. That energy and connectedness and excitement is preserved for one man, my husband. Yes, I do believe that our exclusivity makes what we have more important, enhances it, and focuses us towards each other at all times. I work with many men and am very aware that with nothing “sexual” attached, there is a huge difference between a friendly pat on the shoulder and running a finger lightly down my arm. The latter opens and advances the male-female dynamic between us. My femaleness is special, secret, preserved for him alone. That is just how we both feel and choose to live.
Is spanking humiliating? Yes, of course, in a way it is…or it sure can be. I think that has to do with the purpose. When it is for sexual play, not so much. For discipline, submission, punishment, yes there is an aspect of humiliation. And I think I have talked about those feelings. We do not overtly engage in humiliation as it just does not interest us, but the exercise of the power dynamic, that is in itself a bit humiliating for me. Being not in control, bending to his will, has that feel. Maybe humbling is a more accurate word for what we do.
Now, in terms of talking about spanking, I think you will recognize that I am pretty discreet. I don’t go into lots of details and I don’t talk about the sex. What I try to talk about here is the emotional processes that I and we go through; the relationship dynamic and the personal growth. That is my keen interest and the topic I feel most comfortable talking about. I realize I am rather traditional is my thinking. Grant is even more so than I am, and specifically does not want me sharing any “intimate” details. He and I have even differed on what intimate means, and I know others do as well, which I think is the essence of your question. There are numerous times when I have had to run a post by him before I publish it, because I am just not always sure whether he will feel it is too revealing of our private moments. That is out of respect for him, and again, valuing us above anyone else.
I love being a woman. I guess I am rather girlie? I am not prissy, but my hair and nails are done regularly, and I keep my toes painted. I wear light makeup every day, jewelry, perfume. I dress with my husband in mind. Today, it is a Sunday and he is gone for the day. I am hanging at home, and I might put on jeans and a T-shirt if I bother to get out of my pajamas! When he is here…I make sure I am ‘pretty’ for him. I always wear nice underwear . I try to look attractive from the inside out. I will take a moment to say, before anyone compares and feels they come up short, this is his preference, my preference, and also reflects that I am past young children and can spend time on myself. There were years when the best I could manage was sweats and a t-shirt, and he would come home and find me with Play-doh on the floor. When the kids were little, there were times when I figured if the house was still standing, the children happy and safe, and maybe food on the table, it was a good day! Times do change. And…I care a whole lot more now than I did in the past too. Then there are women who don’t feel that they like being feminine, and that’s fine. This is me.
I don’t swear. Seriously, I don’t. I used to occasionally, but he really dislikes it, thinks it is “unfeminine”, “unattractive” and I have pretty much learned not to, unless I am on a tear. And he then deals with that. I do feel better about me this way. I LIKE being feminine! So what is my point? To me, being discreet with my sexuality is one part of my femininity. It is also part of my allegiance to my husband. He requires this, and I freely offer it.
I was born in the 50’s, grew up in the 60’s and 70’s in the era of ‘free love’, ‘no boundaries’, ‘let it all hang out’. I guess the truth is that I was never quite at home with that, but it was the thing to do and I tried. I finally tried really hard, in fact. One time only, in the summer of 1980, pushed by my girlfriends, I finally had a ‘one night stand’! I know…it’s hard to admit. I remember my roommate complaining “I told you to bring him home. I did not tell you to keep him!” I have been with that man ever since. He later told me it was all over the moment he saw me. He knew I was his. It took me several more years to figure that out. In truth, the fires burn bright between Grant and I and always have. We are very lucky that way. I remember my parents who were married 30 years when my Mom died. I was never privy to their intimacies in any way, though I saw happy and less happy times in their marriage. But I always knew. I could see, even as a child, that there was a secret and intense love affair between them. That is what Grant and I have. We will have been married for 25 years this spring. We have a secret and intense love affair. I just can’t and won’t tell the details. It would take something away if I shared that with the world at large. And, no, I don’t even talk very much about the details of that to my best girlfriends. Some secrets are meant to be kept, I think.I am finding it a bit tricky to tease out the power dynamic pieces from all of this. That is what I most want to talk about. That, and the male–female energy that is supported and enhanced by TTWD. For us, it is through the ritualized spanking, the discipline dynamic, the sexual interactions, and all sorts of little passing moments between us that all together create the power exchange we live with. I guess I feel there is a way to talk about that without getting into the details of our sex life, and in a way, the details are almost a distraction from the main event! Anyone can post pictures and give graphic details. Please don’t get me wrong, there are some tasteful pictures that I enjoy looking at! But it is the stuff under the surface I am digging at, trying to tease out and understand.
Then, too, my husband is very traditional, a gentleman, and pictures and details are just not appreciated or allowed! I am smiling as I write that. I adore the man. He is a 57-year-old, Italian, politically conservative, out spoken, take no prisoners, warrior. He irks me and bosses me around, spanks me and cares for me, and he treasures me. He has the softest heart and literally would die for me. In truth, I have the heart of a warrior too, but a female warrior. I am soft, at least on the outside, and (try to be) compliant, and feminine. I have both power in the world and a power with him, but it’s different. The mysteries of the feminine are meant to be mysteries…no? I think maybe that’s for another post.
Chloe, I wonder if this has answered questions or created more questions. I really appreciated you asking! Sara
By A Slip Of The Tongue!
I know we ALL tend to see and hear things where there is nothing to see or hear. We may hear “spank” for “thank” as in “I just want to thank you!” from the guy across the street. I once saw a large sign in a store window that read “PADDLES” in huge letters! My heart pounded…I mean… a kink store right on a main shopping street of the city? On second look the sign read “Canoe and Kayak Paddles”. At least this stuff stays inside our heads!
It is a whole other thing entirely when the gaff is both public, and also my own. A couple of weeks ago my older son brought some friends for dinner. They arrived early, and dinner was not yet ready. My son went down to watch the football game with Grant, while I put together a plate of humus and pita chips to tide them over. As one of the young men walked through the kitchen, I turned and handed him the plate to carry down, asking “Would you like an implement with that?”
OMG! It took me a second to register what I had said, and then quickly substituted, “Uh…utensil!”. He looked nonplussed, didn’t even blink. I guess now I know he is NOT a spanko!
A Jumble of Thoughts on TTWD
When we talk about DD we usually mean rules and consequences and it seems pretty simple. It is often thought to be about behaviors and corrections. But beginning that dynamic takes you places…it can, if you want…into submission and dominance, towards developing a power dynamic in your relationship. There begins to be an emotional connectedness that can grow from that, and a sense of satisfaction and a deep grounding as well.
TTWD can be lot more than spanking. There are things…tones, looks, words, commands, activities, that move me in ways that are powerful, though often not comfortable. Sometimes, when I am off-balance, emotionally shaky, insecure, worried, feeling scared or alone, a spanking session will put my world to rights. That mostly works.
But there are other things we do now. Things I will probably not talk about because they feel too personal and intimate, and I am a little shy. And because they are between us, and because he won’t want me to talk about them. And because they touch me in places that feel a little scary and sometimes raw. There are things he does that I don’t like. He has me do things. These can be rather hard for me. He touches me literally and figuratively in ways that feel almost painful with the vulnerability. No secrets, no walls, no “no”. And yet after, when I calm, when he holds me, when I come back from the places he takes me, I feel settled, claimed, loved, his.
There are times when there will be multiple things, over a day or two. The effect has been to pull me from an emotional drift, leaving me simply quiet in his embrace…literally and figuratively. I think it doesn’t matter what these things are, because they are our things, that move him, me, us…that evoke the feelings and trigger responses. I am thinking if we compared notes there would be similarities and many differences. We each find our own way.
I don’t know what else to say about it, except that this is special, different, deep, good. My stomach does a small flip thinking about all this, but I feel better, safer, more firmly grounded and balanced, than I had for the several weeks before. And it always works that way. I have to keep reminding myself.
Who Wants Cake?
I am in a little bit of a weird place. I got into bed early last night, so tired, but also a little down. I ended up googling “Empty Nest Syndrome”. Grief…it talked about grief in relation to letting your kids go, seeing them grow up and move on. I know it’s time. I know it’s healthy. There is still an ache. It said, “Women who have shaky marriages struggle more” Nope! “Women who are fulltime caregivers struggle more” Nope! So, I am better off than so many! I want to shake myself, “Deal with it!”
I found myself baking yesterday. I bake when I feel anxious, in an unspecified way, around my children. Some inner voice says “Feed them and all will be well!” Thus I came home early to start a soup stock which ultimately became a thick chicken vegetable stew served over noodles with hot biscuits on the side, and a homemade mocha chocolate chip cake with Kahlua butter cream icing. They may be moving on, but they will be fed before they leave! Is that a mom thing? Not sure, but they appreciated it!
My older son came up from the city, with 3 friends no less, and our daughter with her boyfriend, and our younger son and Grant and I. We had to put another leaf in the kitchen table, and I heard them laughing and playing cards long after I went to bed. Those were wonderful sounds filling our house! We have lived in the same home for 21 years now, and I love that. We both always wanted the kind of roots we have created for our children, and I envision being here very long term. We added a 1st floor master bedroom on, and soon the upper floors won’t get used much, but their rooms will be here for them. I suspect we will get quite a bit of traffic for many years to come. Especially if I keep baking!
So our daughter and her boyfriend…so much has happened and not much has been decided. They have talked, we have talked, we have all talked together. THAT was painful! Grant and I are both tense and emotional and not exactly on the same page. I am not sure we even disagree on things, per se, but here’s where we are: bf wants to move down here to be near our dgtr. She wants him to. She needs to decide if she will return to college which is up where he is from. If he moves here he expects her to transfer to a local school. He does not expect her to move in with him, and we were all relieved, her included. He also does not expect her to transfer. It is her choice. He admitted that he wants to marry her when she is ready, and he understands that she is too young to decide yet, but he knows that is where he wants this to go. He also said he had hoped to convince her to eventually settle where his parents are, 5 hours from us, but he is willing to move here. He thought that decision would wait a year or two, but being laid off, it became an option to consider now. So the question is will I help him get a job? I can. I have contacts and resources here. But…at one point Grant said to me “If you give him a job you are as good as marrying them!” He’s afraid, and I get that. Me too. On the other hand, this might be my chance to help them to live here and not there. I want that desperately. We are all exploring and I am taking them into the city with me today to talk to some people. After that he and they will decide what they want, and Grant and I will too. Family dynamics are tricky enough, add in ours and it is indeed complicated!
I also want my daughter to make an independent decision on whether she returns to school away or transfers locally. That’s a big one and I pointed out to them both that she needs to be sure. That if she does not follow her heart, whatever that is, it could backfire on the relationship down the road. He is very mature, steady, he loves her. He encourages her to do what is right for her at her pace. He shows integrity and the early signs of leadership. He loves her and waits with patience. He does not ask what she is not yet ready to give. How could we ask for more for our girl?
So…anyone have any good cake recipes?
Thank You To Our Blogging Community!
I would like to take a moment to thank lurkers and blogger friends alike for your wonderful support on Love Our Lurkers day. Bonnie deserves kudos, of course ,for being not only the originator and organizer, but a steady voice of reason, good sense and kindness among spanko bloggers. I will always admire her and be thankful for who she is and what she provides for our community!
When I set out to blog it was for multiple reasons. I needed a place to express my thoughts and feelings about Domestic Discipline. I hoped to connect with other people who enjoyed spanking, and perhaps employed discipline in their relationships, and decided I wanted to be a voice in this community. TTWD is pretty secretive. There are not many who feel comfortable to share an interest in spanking in their real life. Domestic Discipline is even more suspect, sometimes, than having a simple sexual kink. I have heard “You mean it’s not just for fun? You mean for REAL…oh no way!” And that is among spankos! I am aware that if my professional community thought I was sexually ‘kinky’ it might be overlooked. If I announced a divorce I would be totally accepted. If they understood I live in a relationship where my husband is in control and I am disciplined, I would be censured. Our cyber community does so much for all of us in terms of support and friendship and comradery. That is important to us all!
A couple of years ago there were not many blogs about spanking in committed relationships or marriage that talked about lifestyles that I could envision for myself, or even relate to so much. I waded through the extremes, and what looked like every kink under the sun. I was exposed to things I never dreamed about, and was occasionally sickened by the abuse, harm, and emotional damage that people do to each other in the name of sexual and power exchange exploration. I really believe there IS a place in life for commitment, honesty, engaging in relations that enhance and elevate, not degrade and destroy. There IS a difference between healthy and non healthy relationships, separate from any sexual kink or activity you might engage in. I’ll take a moment to say that I truly don’t disapprove of alternative lifestyles. If they are safe, sane and consensual then “live and let live”! Unfortunately, there are so many who are unable to discern the difference. There is great harm done in the name of fun and satisfaction.
There is also still a place for exclusive male female partnering. Some of us simply choose that, and are not ashamed to admit it. OK, so maybe we’re not as cool as some others. We might look too traditional to be cool, but frankly we just can’t help it. We are who we are too, and I don’t choose to be ashamed of that. There are people who enjoy spanking, who use domestic discipline in their lives, who are just not so far out there on the kink or lifestyle scale. I felt that voice was underrepresented, and I began to write.
What was so wonderful in the comments you all left on LOL Day was the consistent affirmation that you appreciate the message, our honesty, the effort to put our lives ‘out there’ for you to read about. We are very “normal” folks, your neighbor, your teacher, the executive suit you pass on the street at lunch hour. We are a middle aged, committed, monogamous couple with kids and pets and solid reputations. We don’t wife swap, post pictures of our private parts, or degrade ourselves or others. We do have a few straps and paddles locked away, and we use them for both play and discipline.
And then there is the fact that Domestic Discipline truly saved our marriage. We are not another statistic. Our kids can spend holidays with both parents. We found a tool that allowed us to get past the wrangling to the essence of who we are and what we mean to each other. I think that deserves to be spoken about, explained, and is worth a consideration in the lives of couples who may not be making a go of it. Will it work for everyone? Of course not! But it did for us and we are so grateful.
Last week Bonnie asked a question for her MBS Brunch topic about spanking becoming more accepted and perhaps less a secret in the future. It was an interesting question that deserves thought. Speaking out is the only way to move that forward, I think, and I feel just a little bit more confident about doing so, after hearing from all of you this past week.
Grant and I sincerely thank you for giving back!
