Whose’s Playing and When’s The Spanking?
It is… Ta Da…Super Bowl Sunday! We went out food shopping in a near empty (post-blizzard) market last night, as somehow our little party has grown from 6 to 14 people. On the way home I asked Grant to fill me in on who was playing today. He looked at me blankly and momentarily speechless. The man is never speechless! Then he smiled and shook his head. He indulgently educated me about the New Orleans Saints and something about Payton Manning who is amazing and plays for…someone. An important team.
It’s all important. This is the day of days when the warriors will run into the coliseum; the crowds will cheer and roar. They will watch with bated breath, as their men battle to victory or demise…until next year. And then we will know who is the fiercest and strongest of them all, and if it is the team we stood for, with our beer and fries, well that will say something, won’t it? It must be like when I go shopping and come home with Prada shoes for $69.99, discontinued, deeply discounted…I win!
Yes, and in our home we celebrate by serving chips and dips, cheese steaks and fries and ice cream sundaes, or banana splits for those who prefer or have any room left. I am not watching, except for half time, of course, and maybe a few commercials. OMG how do you all follow the game and who cares? Sigh. My guys care intensely. So while Grant will cook, I will prep and clean up, doing my best to support the gang and our team…whomever we are backing this year.
I am edging towards that ‘need to be spanked’ zone. I have no idea why. I have been not long ago…maybe 3 days tops? And I didn’t really like it much then. Again, I am not sure why. Some spankings just are harder to take than others. I think outside of the obvious issues of implements and intensity, it really has to do with where my head is. Sometimes it is hard to get past the pain just being pain…and it’s usually a lot of pain. It doesn’t seem to do much for me otherwise. It’s not that I am into the pain. I really am not, but the process of struggling through it, and where it takes me is what is powerful. Only occasionally, anymore, the ‘why are we doing this again?’ thoughts surface. I have no good answer. I mean I do, but at those times my answers seem insufficient.
I remember I used to struggle with that question a lot. And Grant and I talked about it more times than I can count. For him, Mr. “I am not kinky”, once he got the idea, it all became very simple. He is more black and white, or less emotional, or maybe just less neurotic? I don’t even know. He saw it made me happy, kept me open, content, more submissive to his dominant, it revved up the sex and what more did he need to know? Nothin’ cause he’s a guy. Me, I needed to know why I wanted this , why I needed this, should I need this? I remember that finally he told me I was not allowed to question myself anymore. (How do guys come up with these things?) He also started asking me “Why are we doing this?” during each maintenance spanking. It became a ritual to recite the reasons. I have to admit there must have been a method to his madness, because it sunk in. I rarely ask even myself anymore.
This last spanking, when I began to struggle with acceptance, both of the pain and then of the need, I asked him, “Why are we doing this again?” Of course he asked me right back. My answer was way less complicated than it used to be. “Um, because spanking makes our marriage run smoother and we have great sex?” And he chuckled as he kept spanking, and said “OK, that’s good enough!” 
On A Snowy Day
Aren’t snowy Winter days, the kind that make it impossible to go anywhere, just the best? This was the view outside our kitchen window this morning:
Our 17 yr old had friends here last night. We all know 17-year-old boys consume the equivelent of their body weight daily, and that where you find one, you find more. I am finally feeling better and Grant took me out to dinner last night. We returned home to 4 teens sitting at the kitchen table with pizza, fries, onion rings, root beers…and that was at 10 PM. The midnight snacking came later.
Maybe because I have been useless for a week, it felt good this morning to make the kids the requested chocolate chip pancakes and watch them tear through the whole batch in no time:
Then to clean the kitchen, and light a fire in the living room for my guy (who was sleeping in as he played poker until 3 am…yes, in a blizzard) so that he would wake to order, and peacefulness. Maybe because I work, and thus those household chores are not a required daily grind for me, I take pleasure in pleasing him with some (occasional) domestic niceties:
Later on today I am going to get another post up, but for now I just wanted to say I am recovered from the plague, we are safe in the storm, and I am off to make the bed, de-clutter the desk in the kitchen, and maybe I will even pull out my spring bulb catalogue.
…or maybe on a snowy winter’s day…I’ll go take an afternoon nap!
In Bed With The Plague
I am in bed with the plague. I really hate being sick, It makes me cranky and I would like to be all kinds of trouble if I had the energy. I don’t. I have spent the last two days chatting with friends, napping, reading, shopping online for dishes and shoes (what’s a girl to do with time on her hands and a credit card?), except that I don’t feel well enough to actually BUY the shoes. I get bored and tired just looking. That is what makes me realize I probably have the plague. When I can’t shoe shop things are serious.
I slept this afternoon and woke from a dream knowing I had to go call my parents. I felt anxious, and I had a burning need to touch base, to feel connected with them. Except when I was fully awake my mind came into focus and I realized that they are gone. My Mom has been gone for 24 years and my Dad for almost 2. Where do people you love go? I just don’t know. There is some part of me that can almost reach out and touch them, conjure them. I feel them, but they are not here.
It left me feeling tearful and worried about my own children. My daughter is 21, my older son 23. I was 29 when my mother died. There is a part of me that is irrationally terrified that I will not give them everything they need before my time to leave them comes. Don’t misunderstand. I am not ill. I have a head cold, or maybe the flu, not the plague. I think any weakness in myself scares me. I am well aware that when my mother was 52, her cancer was found. I am 52. She fought valiantly and lost the battle for her life 2 years later. There is some part of me that cannot wrap my mind around outliving her, that I will pass 54 (and dammit I will)…and then…well then I don’t know what. It just hurts.
I, we, have made some lifestyle decisions this year that have a lot to do with my turning 52…her age. In two weeks I am leaving for a week in Florida with Grant. We are kicking off several months of us time, family time, slow down time. I feel like I and we have been on the fast track for so very long, and life passes by whether you see it or not. I will work some, but not the long days or long weeks. Grant has taken the time off too. We have minimized our schedules and commitments from mid February to mid May, so the focus can be us. I am not quite sure what that will mean, exactly what we will do, but I know I need a priority shift.
It occurs to me that the sexy part of TTWD, domestic discipline, is about the dynamics between us, the power exchange. There is a non sexy part that is equally if not more important. It has to do with consequences. It has to do with opening our eyes to the things we do, the choices we make, and the recognition of real life consequences. It has to do with physics. For every action there is a reaction. If I do this, that is likely to happen. If I eat cookies all day I will gain weight. If I exercise daily I will prolong my lifespan. If I lie to my husband I will undermine his trust. If I am disrespectful to him, he will feel hurt and angry and alienated. Our marriage will be damaged. If I spend time with my children now, they will feel valued and cherished. If we take time for our marriage the investment will yield profit.
The basic tenets of Dd very simply have to do with allowing my husband to put consequences in place that are less severe than the real life outcomes were he not to interfere. He steps in between me and the world, to shelter and protect. I allow that because it is good for us, because it is a relief to be sheltered, and because it mostly feels wonderful to have a safe haven from so many worries. Still, no one can live in a bubble, and the whole process of TTWD has triggered an increased self-awareness. Living life with mindfulness is a good thing. Now and again I ask myself, “What would you do if you had 2 years to live?”
Can Domestic Discipline Prevent Divorce?
Hi, Sara…
I’ll keep this short as I am sure you end up with a lot of email.
If I am reading correctly you and your husband were divorced / remarried? Do I have that right? Do you mind if I ask if DD was throughout your entire relationship or only since you’ve been remarried?
My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce right now but – it is so strange. We are both massively drawn to each other; we talk, email, video chat every day.
I have thought about DD throughout the last (I’d guess) 10 or 11 years of our 13 years but never found the courage to tell him. Among a lot of other things that would have to be worked out, I think one of our main issues is how controlling or dominant both of our personalities are. The difference being I also have a deep desire to submit to someone I can trust. (I don’t mean BDSM submit – I mean more HOH).
I am not sure it is worth putting that part of me on the line now – even if it is what might save us. I can’t help but think that may be what tears us apart (even as friends) forever if he is the type of man who can’t wrap his brain around what I want (as a friend if that’s all we end up being) or can’t fall into that role naturally (if he were to stay my husband and try it with me). I don’t doubt it would’ve worked 10 years ago if I had just found the courage to speak up. I think we would be fine now.
I guess….I don’t know what I am looking for really. Your page just…tugged at my heart. You have what I want, I guess?
Ok…well I guess maybe just knowing when the DD started for you is my only logical question in what has ended up *not* be so short and sweet. Sorry about that.
I hope this finds you well. Take care.
~Mary
Dear Mary,
Your email was so moving. I was right where you are. Yes, Grant and I were separated for close to two years and went thru a divorce, court proceedings, the whole nine yards. It was quite awful, but he refused to sign the documents to make the divorce easy, so we took the long route. He never wanted the divorce, and really, neither did I. But I just could not live with the fighting, the stress, and the heartache. It was slowly killing me emotionally, and having physical ramifications. Above all I needed to be whole for our children, and so I did what I felt I had to, to keep myself together and going, for them.
Now I will just say there were issues that I can’t get into. Grant had some problems that he resolved while we were separated, and that made a huge difference. However, aside from that, I believe it was the power struggle that tore us apart. We tried marriage counseling several times. I am a trained therapist and know for a fact that marital power dynamics is not something that is taught in therapeutic training. That would not be politically correct, of course, to address those issues.
During the couple of years of our separation and divorce proceedings several things became clearer to me, as the dust began to settle.
~ I was unable to hate my husband. He had been my life partner and was the father of my 3 children. The concept of battling ex’s made no sense, and I needed and wanted at very least a friendship with him.
~ I couldn’t seem to quite get ‘over him’. I tried because I knew I should. After divorce proceedings, waiting for things to be final, after being separated for 18 months, I knew I had to move myself into the future. I was in my mid 40s and knew I didn’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried to think about the idea of being with someone else. It was almost unimaginable for me. I forced myself to look on free dating sites online, figuring that was rather innocuous, a way to begin to move in that direction. I wasn’t interested. I found I was looking for a man just like Grant. How dumb is that? I wasn’t over him.
~ That summer when he had the kids, and I went for a week to be with them, we were out at an evening family event, and I looked up and there he was. The sight punched me in the gut. I was so attracted to him. That had never changed. I already knew I was still in love with him. I could not make that change. I also knew he loved me and wanted me, and always had. What a shame that the man I loved, was attracted to, and who was the father of my children, was a man I could not manage to live in peace with.
~ During our years apart, I, for myself, began a process of self work. I was sad, battle weary, frightened and determined. I had to get back on my feet. Somehow it came to me that I needed to find ‘wisdom’. Sort of like the characters in the wizard of Oz, I started down the yellow brick road. I read. I thought, I reflected…
I think seeking wisdom had to do with knowing I was making decisions that had to do with my life, my children’s lives, and big life decisions. I needed to figure out and separate out the past from the future. I needed to somehow get wise! It became a mantra. This might sound weird or silly, but I bought a little ring and had it engraved with wisdom and wore it. I changed my pass codes everywhere to wisdom. That made me have to type that word many times a day. Every time I typed it I thought it and said a little prayer in my head. Wisdom became my mediation and my focus. I began to stop and think more, to weigh things, to grow.
So, eventually…KAZAAM… a wise thought came to me. Just one. But it was a beginning. I saw that I needed to learn to forgive. I was holding onto so much anger, from things gone wrong between us, disappointments and hurts. I realized that I could not move on in my life, until I managed to forgive him. I started working on that. I read about the process of forgiveness. I bought a companion ring with forgive engraved, and I changed all my pass codes to forgive. Slowly I worked my way past those hurts and began to let go of my anger and resentment. That felt great, at least for me. I don’t know if it did anything for Grant, but I was healing. Then I had what felt like a revelation.
After finding a shred of wisdom which led me to a place of forgiveness, I realized that it was not just towards Grant, I also needed to forgive myself. For what? Although Grant had been and done things that were hard and hurtful, I was not blameless. Yes, I was stunned, but it was true. Imagine that! In my anger and pain, I had not seen things 100% clearly, and had not taken responsibility for my part of things, and surely had not forgiven myself. My marriage had failed; my children were hurt; I was hurt. Whatever Grant had done or not done, whatever his part, I had failed in mine. I began to be able to look at myself, to examine the things I had done and not done, and to accept some responsibility. Then I began to work on forgiving me.
Somewhere around this time, I went to the computer and for the very first time in my life googled “spanking”. This was a secret I had not shared with Grant, let alone myself. I had always pushed it down and forgotten about it, but it never disappeared. I explored on the internet and eventually found my way to many of the sites listed under Domestic Discipline on the side bar here. I knew in my gut, this was the kind of marriage that I wanted and needed. I knew I loved my husband, and I knew he loved me. Could he and would he want to start over? Could he and would he consider that kind of dynamic? Would he think I was deranged, weird, weak for needing this? I just did not know, but I knew I had to at least try. To ask. I decided that if he walked away that was his choice, but if I walked away without even trying, that was on me. I decided that I and my children deserved me to at least take the risk, and shame on me if I could not find the strength to give us this chance!
We were 300 miles apart, but we did talk on the phone. It was awkward. Because we were both so raw. I know I was really scared. I finally told him that I would like to talk, seriously, about our relationship, if he was willing. He said “I will be there Friday night.”
He came and Saturday morning we took a walk in a State park near our home. The home we have now lived in for over 20 years, that we raised our children in. There was so much to lose…everything. Everything that really mattered anyway. I just told him. That I loved him and I knew he loved me. He acknowledged that. I told him I had been researching marriage dynamics, about the concept of a Head of Household, or HoH, and that for us, that needed to be him. He said he had always wanted that. I told him that I felt we had wrestled for power for 20 yrs and that in some ways, every time I won I also lost, and we lost, and he had let that happen and I was angry both at him and at me, and that I had lost respect for him. I told him I realized that while I would always love him, if I could not respect him I could not be ‘in love’ with him, feel attracted, stay. I needed to respect him. I admitted it was often my failure. I accepted my part in this, told him I had been wrong to engage in a power struggle. I needed to learn to accept him for who he is, the way he is, and that he deserved that from me. He deserved to feel valued and respected. I needed him to stop letting me win when he could not out argue me. I explained that I had found this lifestyle called Domestic Discipline. Somewhere in there I stumbled over the concept of consequences and punishment, and I said the S word. Aside from asking a few questions, he didn’t say much but listened intently. Finally, as we walked holding hands though the woods, after a silence, he stopped and looked at me and asked. “So, I take my place as Head of our Household, and we agree on some basic rules. And if you don’t keep your end of the agreement, or argue or become disrespectful, you want me to spank you?”
OMG I was dying. Can you imagine? I had never before said the S word out loud before, NEVER, let alone to him. We had never played with this at any level, and here I was asking him? “Um…yes?”
Silence…he took my hand and said “I can do that” and we started walking again. Seriously, that was it. That was at the very end of August 2005. He moved back home Sept. 1st and we began. We talked a lot. We (he) felt that the rules needed to be few and simple. He did not want or expect “obedience” he wanted “cooperation.” He would not “punish” me but there would be “consequences”. I joined a Dd forum and he had no interest. I read a million blogs and he read none. But he would read anything I sent him to read, and we did talk, and within the first week we scheduled a practice spanking…just to kind of see what this S thing was all about. :) Sheesh, when I think back….
What we did was commit to a journey together. What we did was wipe our slate clean (as much as possible) and commit to make a life together, to fight, to love, to make mistakes, to spank, to forgive, to work it out. What we had was the knowledge that we had a real choice to make…together or apart, and we chose together.
You see, that is what I think we have that many couples don’t. We lost each other and then fought our way back. We CHOOSE to be together, with purpose, with eyes wide open, with failures, mistakes, joys and triumphs, we have chosen this path, this life. I know this man is a part of me, forever. He just is. We are not alike, often not in agreement, but he IS my other half. Once I accepted that the issue became one of finding out how to live with him, not if I wanted to or should or could.
Domestic Discipline was the tool we used. It was not the answer, but the tool. The answer was love and commitment, effort and commitment, perseverance and commitment. And Love. I really love him. How could I walk away?
Mary, do you love him? Does he love you? Is he a good man, trust worthy, caring, honest? If you both want this…a marriage and a life together, and you are willing to do the work, yes Dd can be a tool that will help facilitate that. If he wants you he will do what it takes. Yes, you WILL have to put yourself on the line. Nothing really worthwhile comes easy, and making a good marriage will require you both putting yourselves on the line, over and over again. You will need to put aside your pride, defenses, self-serving attitude, control issues, to make it work. The marriage needs to become more important than either of you individually. It is not easy, especially since somehow you will need to find a way to balance this with not losing who you are, and to continue to expect respect while you give it.
I wish you luck and peace. I hope you find your own wisdom and forgiveness!
Sara
Just Spank Me Now!
I think I might just say that to Grant today. “Just spank me now!” We are supposed to be having one of those parental discussions that will most likely mean opposing views. I won’t fight about many things, at least not for long, but our kids…yeah. Don’t mess with MY kids! OK, they’re all his kids too, but what’s your point?
What do you do when you suspect there is a good chance the discussion might end up in a ‘discussion’, the kind that involves a paddle? This is a problem that Dd wives must contend with, and after a while, you have a good idea of where things are likely to go. Yes, I will deep breathe. Yes I will struggle to stay calm. Yes I will remain respectful even when we disagree.
Sigh. I am going to end up spanked.
One of the very nice things about friendships with women in Dd relationships is we can talk about this stuff. I told my good friend about our scheduled parent meeting today. She knows his views, my views. She knows him and she knows me. She suggested I go ahead and ask him to spank me before we get started. After I laughed… I thought more about it. It makes a lot of sense.
The risk is getting a spanking before AND another afterwards too, should we end up fighting and he’s displeased. However, I think it is written that there is a double jeopardy clause in the rule book. I mean, if I have already been spanked on this issue, he can’t spank again…right?
I might just go ahead and set up a consult with the SSU*!
*Suzy’s Spanking Union – Defending Spankees Worldwide Since 2008
(Sheesh, someone has to!!!)
Pre-emptive Spanking
TGIF! Today I am wearing jeans to work, my hair is down, and I am just a little bit sore from my spanking. Last night I walked in the door at 7:30 PM looking something like this:
I wasn’t mad, or rude, but I have definitely been tired and way too busy at work, putting in long hours, and subsequently tense and edgy. I actually got a good night’s sleep the night before and had considered texting Grant some sort of erotic invitation, but my mind and attention went elsewhere during the day and it never happened. The funny thing is he told me much later last night, that he had considered texting me some interesting instructions for my homecoming, but figured that in the midst of my work day, it might be embarrassing if someone happened to see. I am really torn between thinking embarrassing and thinking hot!
Anyway, I walked in at 7:30, and he came in a little after me. He asked how I was, “I’m Fine”. Had I eaten? “I’m not really hungry. I had a late lunch.” And then he said, glancing at the clock, “OK, it’s 7:45. I am going to take a shower. I’d like you in the bedroom, ready by 8:30.” I looked up from my computer, “Ready?” “Yep. You need a spanking!” “I do huh? What makes you think that?” “I’ll explain it all during your spanking.” And he left the room. He was right, of course, but I hadn’t asked or told, and sometimes a woman wishes to to be mysterious! And sometimes she wrestles between that, and being releived she is understood.
The funny thing is, I was so late because I had agreed to be interviewed by a Girl Scout troupe for a badge on women and leadership. I had spent the last hour giving a tour and talking about being a woman boss, what I did and why, how it felt, why I thought my work was important. I walked in the door in my suit and was told I was being spanked. It actually feels lovely to be able to flow between those roles in my life, and grounding and very right for me, but I know few people in the outside world would get that. However, the most important person in my life gets it completely, my husband.
I have realized recently that punishment is not much a part of our lives anymore. The possibility is there in the background, and I sure do not doubt his ability to deliver, but we both feel at some level it is a failure on one, if not both of our parts, should we arrive there, and we both do our best to make sure we don’t very often.
Grant has always been more into inspirational leadership than reactive censure. If he sees I am not handling something well on my own…computer time, exercise, household duties, he will develop an action plan. He will intercede and instruct and then there will be rules to follow. That frustrates me at times, but I also realize that he tends to intercede and work with me to create order rather than allow me to make a mess and then need to punish, if that makes sense? And I am a willing follower…or I try to be. I do see it as my role to be cooperative and I do try to please him and to prioritize his expectations. That makes things so much easier between us.
He watches me. He checks that I am OK. He tries to see to what I need, whatever it is. Sometimes I need a spanking. Sometimes the stress of work and life makes me edgy, and our schedules leave us a bit distant, and sometimes I need to feel that he is in control and thus I don’t have to carry the world on my shoulders. There are very few things like going over his lap that can accomplish that so successfully. When I have those feelings, when I start to go to that place, and he does not intervene, I think we have both learned that eventually there will be a break down between us. That might take the form of an argument, it might result in disconnect, and it might result in behavior that would warrant a punishment. It is like we walk a path together and he guides and I follow, but he is also watchful for bumps and stumbles. If I should wander off the path intentionally he would punish me. If he sees me start to move towards the edge, because of fatigue, stress, hormones…he grabs me lovingly, and pulls me securely back to his side. He lets me lean on him. He takes care of me.
So You Want “Dominant”?
Sometimes, when I listen to women talk about their men, and I hear the oft asked, “How can I get my husband to take more control?” or “How can I get him to step up and be more dominant?” I think to myself, “So you think you want “Dominant”, huh? Oh, you have no idea. You would throw him back so fast!” I don’t say it, but sometimes I do think it. Don’t get me wrong. I love mine, wouldn’t change him…but he’s not easy.
What occurs to me is that there’s a two part answer. The first thing you can do, if you REALLY do want this, is to stop. Stop trying to get him to do anything other than what he chooses, and stop trying to get him to be anyone other than who he is. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting you swallow your feelings, or believe your needs and wants are not important. There are ways to say what you feel without telling him what to do. Very fortunately, right when we began the Dd chapter of our marriage, I picked up a book, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I found her book a terrific intro to learning how to be a less controlling wife. Even the most naturally dominant man needs space to be. He cannot do his thing unless his wife steps back and makes room for him to fill the void she has now created by no longer trying to control the relationship and him.
Anyway, if the above does not apply to you, just ignore it, please. It was a huge issue for me and us in our first 20 yrs. Not the trying to get him to be dominant part. The problem was in not making room for him to do his thing, to be the man he is and always was. I picked a very naturally dominant man (well actually I more or less let him pick me) and then, frustrated him completely, when I took over and held on tight. Being who he is, he never would give up, and thus we fought…a lot. We still fight, but not a lot, and not for long. We both have much more self-control, awareness, commitment to the relationship over either of our personal agendas. And now we have rules. He gets to have the final say. As frustrating as that is at times (for me) it does help keep us organized. We are very much happier and in sync.
The second part of the answer to the query about his dominance has to do, I think, with who your husband is. A while back Sir Jay of A Dominant Character wrote a very good piece on his blog about the difference between being “A Dominant” and having a dominant personality. His point was that some men are dominant in their nature. They don’t try to be, they just are. I do believe that many men have felt they had to put that part of themselves away in this modern world of ours, and they can release and develop their hidden nature if they so choose. However, I believe the truth is, just like a husband is not going to make his wife submissive, a wife is not going to make her husband dominant. Those sorts of journeys are ones of self discovery and growth that we each undertake on our own steam. While we can partner and aid, in the myth of the hero (or heroine), we each fight our own inner demons.
It so happens, my husband is a dominant man. He sees, assesses, decides and acts. He tells people around him what to do, helps, supports, takes responsibility. Like any other character trait, this has it’s up and down side. I have always known I am safe with him, protected, watched, cared for. He also tells me what to do, how and when without even thinking about it. Sometimes he makes me crazy. He always wants to do things his way, and he always has a way, and sometimes it matters not that I am already in the midst of doing something my way, and I’m perfectly fine, and this something has nothing directly to do with him…except…he happens to see, and he decides what he now wants done, and we have an arrangement, and…he gets to say, and I am supposed to listen. Sigh…all I am saying is it is not always easy. Sometimes it is smooth and comfortable and I just adjust. I have learned to do that. It makes for peace and often it is just no big deal. Sometimes it makes me mad.
On a 24/7 basis, submitting, following, changing according to his flow and speed can be hard work. It can be frustrating and there are times my chest tightens and I clench my hands and bite my lip lest the words erupt that would cause all sorts of difficulty for the both of us. Usually I do fairly well. Last week there was one time I didn’t catch myself and waved him off, dismissed him with a hand gesture without even being conscious of it. I could go into the details, but it hardly matters. What matters is that I was busy and feeling on top of things, and he came upon me, interjected and interrupted and I disrespectfully waved him off. When we talked about it later, after he lectured and I apologized, I did want to explain the circumstances, and in frustration asked why he had to interject, take over, tell me what to do. He just looked at me and said flatly “Because I am in charge here.” I know. He’s right. We agreed. But I am also admitting sometimes that makes me want to tear my hair out.
I had a really interesting discussion with my friend CD from Cultivated Discipline the other day that grew from a comment she left on my blog :
This week I learned he is private, very private. I on the other hand consider talking to strangers fun! fun! fun! I don’t know how that will blend. I just threw it out there and promised to respect his privacy. Just exactly how you do that and write I blog, I do not know. Does dominance include adapting to? The loss of self fear is looming large, very large.
This particular issue, of privacy, of being open to new friends, of blogging, is one cd and I share. My husband sees things very differently than I do, and that makes for stress at times. Deep down, underneath the wish to control my world, our lives, him, is my fear of loss of self. I said above that we need to learn to accept our husbands as they are, for who they are. What about us…do they need to accept us or do we spend our lives trying to change, and accommodate? I know different people would answer that in different ways. I believe that if I lose myself, our relationship will fail. I am not one to give the essence of who I am away, to cease being me, or to do anything that will diminish who I am. It is my opinion that D/s or not, a relationship that is healthy sustains and enhances the wellbeing of both the partners. Very fortunately my husband is completely committed to sustaining my wellbeing, my happiness and emotional health. Not every man who calls himself “A Dominant” cares, but any good man, dominant or not, does care and protect the woman he calls his, even from himself.
I told CD that it has been my experience, living with a man who is quite dominant, that I feel a need to be aware. I try to separate out wants from true needs. I weigh what is important to me. I will try to bend, to accommodate, to follow his lead, but there are times when there has been a serious split in our perspectives and needs, and then I must speak up. Sometimes he doesn’t like what he hears. Sometimes we go toe to toe, and I’ve been called feisty. Maybe a naturally dominant man had better be matched with a feisty woman? I suspect if I were not who I am, the man might possibly, unintentionally, run right over me, and then I would lose myself and he would lose me. That would never work. I figure he picked me, and being the man he is, he knew what he was doing!
Are You Sexy? (Sex and Spanking over 50)
This morning I posted a question from a reader about being a middle aged woman, and a spanked wife, and how can one feel good about her body as we get older and things begin to go south? And they do…I mean between babies and gravity and real life, none of us mature Dd wives look like spanking models! Her question is here: Spanking Into Middle Age, and do check out the great comments! My thoughts follow:
Hi Gymlady,
I am so glad you enjoy our blog. It makes me feel great to know people are reading and like what I write. I think the body issue is such a tough one for women. We are surrounded by unrealistic role models and expectations from the time we are very young girls, and our views of ourselves are often unrealistic and negative, compared to what the media creates.
But that is all just intellectual stuff, isn’t it? Yeah, blah, blah…we all know it, and yet, still, deep down it does not help us to feel better about who we see in the mirror. I guess several things have helped me to feel so much better about myself than I did, say 10 yrs ago. First, I lost weight. The reality for me that I was so overcome by what I would never look like that I stopped trying to look my best. That stemmed from a poor self image and lots of self doubt. As I matured, and as my marriage got better, I began to at least try to work with what I have to be the best me I can be. I am not movie star material, and sadly have never been tiny, willowy or svelte. On the up side, I do have lots of curves, an extra dose of femininity, and a good sense of style. I carry myself well. Oh and I have great hair! 
I took a good look and decided to fix what I could fix, highlight the assets, and just forget the things that nothing short of surgery or magic can change!
The other thing that helped me tremendously was changing my attitude about my marriage, and then about myself in relation to it. I used to think about me, myself and I, as being independent from my husband. He had no business saying anything to me about my health, weight, looks…how dare he? The commitment of Dd, who we wanted to become as a couple, involved letting him in. It meant I had to pull down those walls between us. While some of them looked like feminist thinking, I can now see they were in fact simply self protective. I did not want to know what he thought because deep down I was sure I was not good enough, not pretty enough, and knowing that for sure would crush me, so I just didn’t let him in. Wow, I am having anxiety just writing about this! Yuck! What a bad time that was in my life!
At any rate, this is what happened. With the beginnings of Dd, we agreed that those walls, in theory, had to come down. I became his business…my health, wellbeing, and even how I dressed, presented myself, etc. He told me what he liked and didn’t like, and for once I listened, and began to follow his wishes. The sweat suits went in the trash. I started to dress with care (yes, I am casual at home, but I make sure I look nice) and I worked hard at losing weight and exercising, taking care of me for him.
I saw a shift in Grant too. He stopped letting me hide from him. He wanted access. He wanted to see me, to enjoy me, and he told me in a way I started to hear, and eventually to believe, that he thinks I am beautiful. At first it was hard to hear, certainly not accepted, and I would even put myself down at times in front of him. I remember him looking at me and asking how that reflected on HIM, that his wife, who he saw as beautiful was saying she was a loser? “If the woman I am so attracted to is bad to look at, what does that say about me?” Basically, he impressed upon me that insulting myself was insulting him. I sure did not want to do that, so I learned to be quiet. Then I began to hear him, to see his feelings for me in his eyes and demeanor. At some point I began to believe him.
I know I have had discussions with girlfriends over 50 and heard… “OMG imagine his view…me bent over the bed?!?” I choose not to think about it! I literally just stopped worrying about it. He seems to LOVE the view. It is not one I would appreciate under any circumstances….so…shrug, it is not my problem. Somehow I have accepted my husband’s love and appreciation in a different way than I ever did before, and it has finally changed how I feel about myself, and my body.
At 52 I am not the woman I was at 22 when we met. I will never have a size 6 waist again, and three babies and 30 years later, the curves flow a good bit differently. However, I feel more loved and more desired than I ever have. What else is there?
Gymlady, maybe you need to let him in, begin to trust him and his feelings for you? Can you see what he sees, and let yourself be all that for him?
Sara
Spanking Into Middle Age
‘Gymlady’ has been a reader for a while and has asked good questions before. She sent this to me last week. I felt it deserved some thought, and time to answer, but I have had a busy week. I will be able to post my answer tonight or tomorrow, but thought other readers might have some of their own struggles and ideas to share? She and I would love to hear your thoughts!
hello sara and grant,
i am always fascinated how you both come up with your life and your strong marriage. your thoughts, sara, are very intelligent and special to me!
my husband and i started ttwd some years ago, when we were in our early 40s. i know that you are about our age (mine is now 47) and i wonder how you come up with your body and spanking! I mean, i am sometimes ashamed of my body, which turns older with me (naturally!). all those spanking pictures in the internet are showing very young and pretty bodies. i do not look like them anymore (i mean, i am not that
ugly, but older!).
how do you think about your age and ttwd? i struggle (hope that is the right word)
and cannot enjoy our dd relationship totally because of that shame! can you understand what i mean?
on the other hand i am very very lucky to keep our marriage going so well with some
spanking for me, sometimes! My submission helps a lot in many ways of our relationship, especially now, where the kids are older and my husband and me can get closer again.
i just feel miserable about my body. (i think, my husband does not think about his body, men are always fine!!!)
please let me know your thoughts.
i really adore your writing, sara.
bye, gymlady
A Question: Ambivilence About Discipline
Hi Sara,
I sort of want to see if this resonates with anyone. We’ve been exploring spanking, power dynamics, TIH, I don’t know if we can really say Dd, because we aren’t all that consistent. This has been a little over a year, now. I’ve been wanting to take things farther, and I stumbled onto something I think has held us back.
First, I’m a very direct sort of person. I don’t like being manipulated, and I tend to state things directly, and don’t push on things I’m still waffling about. But when it comes to discipline, or yielding power, I want it and don’t want it at the same time. So I’m often uncomfortable with my own ambivalence, and feel like I’m sending my hubby mixed messages.
We’ve never really been at each other’s throats, nor on the brink of splitting. Because whenever things get “that tough”, we back off. If I think I’m making him mad, I back off, which means we don’t necessarily work the thing out. I’ll feel secretly insecure or resentful, because I don’t know where we are with the issue. Or worse, I imagine all sorts of things which he may not even be feeling. If he thinks I’m uncooperative, he backs off from the argument, although often he still does whatever he wants.
So as we’ve grown a little bit in this past year, and I’ve asked him to take on the HOH role, he agrees. But it doesn’t happen all the way. And I realized we keep coming up to this point, where he almost takes control, but I’m not willing, and he backs off. So I realized that it is THAT point that we need to move through.
Right now, it’s not really with him in control–because whatever he has done has been to please me. And although I feel like I’ll fall off of a cliff, I think he needs to take it past this, to understand that it is what I want, overall, big-picture wise, even if on the individual points I might not be happy about it.
And we did begin this discussion, although I suspect, like most things, we’ll have to keep coming back to it, because we’re humans with our own current patterns of behavior. Jule
Hi Jule,
I think you ask a very good question and you already have some insight into your behaviors. Therein lays the answers. I suspect this place is one which most couples trying any version of a power exchange get to. The issue is where you go next. Some couples get stuck and do not move beyond, others work past it. What you will see on the other side of this hurdle is a genuine shift in the power dynamic. Some couples may look like they have reached that place, but underneath, the old ways continue. She holds the reins and controls their interactions. He is as dominant and as in control as she allows him to be.
That is where you are now, as you describe it. First, from my perspective, how could you not be in this place towards the start? If you brought this to him, then you have had to show and teach, encourage and lead him to lead. That is how most of us begin. Our society has taught men to not expect to lead in their marriages and many of us made sure he got that point straight at the beginning of our unions! I think it’s ok and only natural, then, for him to need us to help lead him back to his leadership role. Certainly there must at very least be consent. Something essential, thank goodness, in a progressive society such as ours! However, at some point we, the submissive partner, need to step back and turn over that control. We have to allow him his true power. We need to let him pick up these reins and make TTWD (or the DD) his own.
You will see that when he starts to own it, things will change, and believe me, you will still feel ambivalent! There is a lot about being in that place you will like, and some things about it you will no doubt really not like. It is a subtle but powerful shift. This is a defining moment…or in truth a series of moments. When this moment comes, some women will stall, back off, and refuse to turn over the reins. Some women try to back pedal, but he holds on and they wrestle their way through it. Some guys just grab the reins, and if she’ll let go, the shift is complete. This is not a one time, forever process though, at least not for us and anyone else I know. We are real people in real relationships and the dynamic of a real relationship is not static. There are and will be ongoing moments of taking and giving, multiple opportunities for him to control and you to submit, evermore. Over time I think it just becomes more routine, less unusual and purposeful, when you are both more practiced and comfortable with your roles.
To me the most important part of what you wrote was:
“ First, I’m a very direct sort of person. I don’t like being manipulated, and I tend to state things directly, and don’t push on things I’m still waffling about. But when it comes to discipline, or yielding power, I want it and don’t want it at the same time. So I’m often uncomfortable with my own ambivalence, and feel like I’m sending my hubby mixed messages.”
You are typically direct, and have told you husband through your behavior that you are ambivalent (which is ok…what sane woman wouldn’t be?)… and that you have just not been ready. You have shown him that he does not have full consent. You need to talk…a lot. Maybe, as is your style, multiple times. I know Grant and I talked many times about what I said vs. what I did, how my ambivalence surfaced and when, about the times Grant felt I sent him mixed messages. And sometimes he felt ambivalent and we talked about that. I had to tell him very directly that I needed him to ignore whatever I said during a spanking. If I demanded that he stop, he should not listen. Yes, it needed to get that direct and specific, because how was he to know? What if I got up and accused him of beating me rather than spanking me because I had said “stop”? There is the reality in this society that our men need to be sure we give full consent. Also, if they are one of the good ones, if they love us, if they really care, they do not want to hurt us emotionally. That is something to be grateful for!
Over the past 4+ years variations on the theme of my trying to take control, or not relinquish control, have come up. They still do. I am not a submissive person in nature, not passive or un-opinionated, and it is not unheard of for Grant to look at me with THAT look and comment that he thinks I might be forgetting who is in charge. It still takes effort to not argue when he feels I have done something wrong, to not attempt to talk my way out of punishments, to even just do what I am told at times, if that does not happen to match my priorities or agenda. None of this “stuff” is easy and takes talking with him, and with your self too. I would guess if you showed him this question you wrote, and the two of you talked about it, it would be a good place to begin you moving forward again.
You said “I think he needs to take it past this, to understand that it is what I want, overall, big-picture wise, even if on the individual points I might not be happy about it.”
I think you need to tell him just that, what you feel, what you think you need, and ask if he would be willing to help you work through this. You need to clearly ask for what you need. He can’t guess. You also need to try to limit your unhappiness about it when he does what you do not like or want. It’s really hard! Saying you want him to punish even if you do not agree, to insist on a rule you really don’t want, is a lot different in real life then in the stories! If he is going to face a fight, passive aggressive censure, or major negativity, that will make it really hard on him…maybe too hard. It is one thing to say you don’t agree, offer excuses, another to expect him to drag you kicking and refusing across his lap. At least that is how I feel about it. What is most important is what you and your husband feel about it, your needs and his, and how you want TTWD to work for you.
I would encourage any other readers who have thoughts or advice for Jule to let her hear your ideas too.
Thanks for writing Jule! Sara
