Submission – Part 2
For me submission was a learned behavior. I did have to unearth and reveal my submissive side, but on a functional level, whether I feel submissive or not, it is the role I need to take with Grant when we disagree. I found there is a part of me that resonates with the feelings of being submissive to Grant’s dominance. It makes me feel safe and cherished and protected…and also feminine. It is also sometimes just not what I want to do at any given time. It did not come very naturally, rather I had to work at it. I do not know if it is because I am not naturally “a submissive” or because I was taught from an early age to be dominant. I think it was communicated to me that being submissive was an unacceptable female trait, and a betrayal of all women everywhere!
Developing my dominant self was something I was told to accomplish to be successful, and I did that well. In an intimate male/female relationship, most certainly in mine, I do think submission is a necessary ingredient. There has to be a balance, and my submission allows me to fit with Grant’s dominance in a very pleasing way. We make a whole together like we never did as “equals”. As I have mentioned before I need and use that dominant part of me just like I need and use that submissive part of me. It feels wonderful to have access to both, and to be able to draw on both as strengths. I actually think it often takes a great deal of strength to submit rather than to fight. I also think that people sometimes look at submission from the outside and only see what is on the surface. They assume she who submits loses. She doesn’t get her way, or have things as she would wish. She accommodates her dominant partner and he gets his needs met more often. Furthermore, the submissive woman must at some level be a masochist and take pleasure in the self denial. I do not think this is true. I think the capacity for self denial is a part of growing up. Learning to delay gratification, discern and prioritize what is important in your relationship makes for a better relationship.
Because our Dd marriage was framed on the idea of cooperation, any rebellion has always been dealt with by Grant in a way that forced me to look at my own behavior, rather than force my submission. I think most women in Dd marriage at some point refuse a punishment at least once. I have heard of husbands chasing wives, physically forcing her over their knee, etc. It is the stuff that fun spanking stories are made of, but pretty defeating in real life, I think. When I refused, Grant demanded that I come to him, and tried talking with me. When I would not submit on my own steam, he ultimately put down the paddle and walked away, saying “When you are ready to live up to your agreement and accept your punishment, come let me know.” He left the room. That was that! It made me realize that the basic issue was my commitment. I was not upholding my part of the bargain. Not only that, if I did not come to him at least willingly, if not happily, he was not ever forcing me. It set the tone early to understand that my submission is my responsibility. When I did go to him later that night, once I had calmed down and was properly horrified at my behavior, he refused me, saying “Not tonight. Spanking is on my terms, when I say, and I will let you know when I am ready.” Now that was a hard thing to accept, because it took a lot for me to put aside my pride and go to him and ask to be punished! However, it was important because again it set the tone of our agreed upon dynamic. It was my job to submit, but I would not be in control by submitting when I wanted to, but rather when he asked me to.
While I do think a Dd relationship is very much a journey, I have always understood that I needed to learn to let Grant be in control, to let that go. I hear women in Dd marriages say at times “I would never accept that implement, that alternative punishment…I would never do X if my husband told me to.” While we all have hard lines consiting of things that we would find so offensive, humiliating, disturbing, that we feel it would do us harm to submit, I have to honestly say I cannot imagine anything my husband would try or ask me to do that I would refuse. I am confident I would not need to either. If I found something disturbing I would tell him how I felt, but it would never be because I found it hard, or did not like the instructions. I have accepted that this is not my place. If I did protest, I know he would listen and make his own decision on what he felt was best for me, and I would force myself to blindly leap, knowing he will take care of me. That is a wonderful safety net to have, but one that was hard won, and which we continue to work on. It only happened by me pushing myself, step by step, to learn to trust and lean on him unconditionally. In the end it takes a leap of faith. Like those trust exercises people do at camps and team building seminars, where you have a partner, and have to close your eyes and fall back, trusting your partner to catch you…that is what it has felt like. I have had to learn to trust Grant to catch me, and he has had to make that catch! Over time the falls were greater, and the catches consistent, and the trust and thus my submission grew. But it all started with my being willing to close my eyes and free fall. He can not take the reigns when I have them in a death grip. Submission means letting go.
Some people use submission exercises, like a version of the free fall technique described above to practice or enhance their ability to respond submissively. We never have, so I cannot comment on the effectiveness. When Grant and I talked about that he felt that there were enough opportunities in our day to day lives, on issues that mattered to him, without making things up. For us this seems to have worked. Grant in his very practical, and cut to the chase, way said, “I’ll tell you what, practice by doing the things I ask of you. That will work beautifully!” Well that was less than satisfying at first, because after all games can be fun, but I did see his point! He is not interested in me expending my energy doing things that are not truly important to him, nor does he want to expend the energy to monitor those things. He is interested in me not driving over 70 mph, taking my vitamins, doing my exercises, completing the tasks he gives me, revamping my attitude when he tells me to…I find there are ample opportunities every day to practice submission! So I guess what it comes down to is you can work out by going to the gym, or you can work out by parking several blocks from where ever you have to go and walking there, taking the steps instead of the elevator, etc. For me this has made me focus on the things Grant feels he and we need, for real, to make our marriage work. I know anything he asks me to do he sees as a real life issue, and if it is not, he does not require it of me. This seems to keep our lives simpler.
Grant and I have talked a lot about our roles and responsibilities and one of the things that helped me a great deal in accepting my role was understanding his role better. It was eye opening to me when he explained how he believes he has to submit too. “How?” I asked. “You get to decide, to be in charge, and tell me what to do!” He told me how much of a responsibility it is for him, albeit one he wants to take, and feels fulfilled by. He also told me that he is very aware that he has to submit to the relationship, seeing what we, and I, need and responding to that, rather than doing what he might feel like doing at any given time. It might be easier to let me get away with things to save dealing with it, or he doesn’t feel like going through a punishment. He needs to remember to ask about my health issues, follow up to see that I did what I was told to. He might rather watch football than give me the maintenance he knows I need, or perhaps he would just like to zone out and not be the guy in charge for a while. He doesn’t allow himself that choice because he committed to be the leader in our home and that is not a job he can step in and out of. Just like my job is not following when I feel like it, his job is not leading when he feels like it. Lastly he explained that as he understands his job, he also must lead by example, so he tries hard to do the right things, follow the rules he sets for himself, so that he can ask me to follow the rules he sets for me. He focuses on treating me as he would want to be treated, with respect and caring at all times. He tries to watch his words, and attitude. Understanding that was sobering. It brought home how much work we both do to make the Dd work, and made me realize again that this is truly a partnership…that he cannot dominate if I don’t submit and I could not submit to a man who would not lead!
Submission – Part 1
Submission. This was a dicey subject for me. When we began Dd 2 yrs ago it made me nervous. In fact we never used those sorts of words…”submission”, “obedience”…they were N/A as far as we were concerned. Grant just wanted a peaceful home and wanted to be the one on charge. I wanted that too, and admitted I had some fantasies about being spanked. Not played with, but spanked for discipline. I am fairly sure my husband thought his wife had been exchanged with an alien, because I truly was a stellar example of the independent professional woman, that is until I faced myself as the source of my frustrations and admitted this to Grant. The balance of power in the marriage was very skewed.
One of the issues that had plagued our marriage for the last 10 years or so was that Grant felt I did not really need him. I loved him, but did not need him. Once my career advanced I made much more money than he did, so financial dependence was a non-issue. I was self reliant, competent, and frankly, often withdrawn. I was also extremely overwhelmed and felt very alone. I knew I did need him, but could not quite answer for what. I really did not know. This on top of an ongoing power struggle from the start, due to no defined roles, and we were in bad shape. We separated for a year, and when we reunited it was with a determination to reorder our lives and make the marriage work.
That took a great deal of soul searching. One of the things I had to figure out was why I was unhappy in the marriage. At that time, and it seems so bizarre to think of this now, my perception was that Grant was weak. He seemed unable to handle me. I really walked all over him, and he let me. I was not intentionally awful, but I would have my way in pretty much all things. My way was the right way, and he would often concede after awful arguments and days of silence, just to have peace. I also was secretly furious with him for letting me win, for not being strong enough to be stronger than me. I am a strong person and I need my man to be stronger. I had lost respect, and where there is no respect the passion dies.
The thing that changed the most during our year apart was me. Maybe nine months into our separation, I began to challenge myself to think about what I wanted in a husband. I had a very hard time with that because although Grant and I could not live together peacefully, I still loved him. I had not dated in 25 years, and really had no interest in another man. But, I believed we were divorcing, so I felt I had to try to think beyond us. I just had to somehow get beyond thinking about Grant as the only man for me. I forced myself to abstractly think about what kind of man I would want to be with. The picture in my head eventually grew clearer and that man was a dominant husband who could “take me in hand”! I was shocked, embarrassed, but also came to the realization that it was real. The secret was out, at least to myself.
The next step was admitting to myself my culpability in Grant’s inability to be that man. Eventually I was able to see that Grant could not be the man I wanted, and needed him to be, until I let him. That was when I told him about Dd, and we agreed to move back in together and try our very best to make it work.
I believe Dd relies much more heavily on submission than dominance. This is not the age, thank goodness, where it is acceptable or legal to grab a woman and beat her into submission. I know some outside observers think that is what Dd is about, namely abuse, but it could not be further from the truth. The whole of Domestic Discipline rests on a woman’s consent. Dominant men are not bullies, and Grant would never force my submission. It is freely given, or he reminds me of my commitments, and then it is offered. Our balance is based on mutual respect and willing cooperation. I had to face myself and realize that I had forced Grant to keep in check his dominant tendencies, as I hid my secret submissive ones. We tried for 20 years to be what we both were taught a marriage should be…an equal partnership. When I admitted I was wrong and as much responsible for the break in our relationship as he was, we could begin to heal. I had to work on me, and surprisingly (or not) when I did that, he willingly worked on himself.
I truly believe now that there is no such thing as an equal partnership. There always has to be a tie breaker, some one who is in charge if the partners cannot agree. Teams, businesses, governments have systems to resolve conflicts and make the systems work. When there are two parties with equal power, there will be wars. When there is an agreed upon hierarchy, things flow smoothly, especially if the leader is a benevolent one motivated by love. In my marriage the leader is elected. He and I had a vote. Thus he is not a dictator but a leader. He did not muscle himself into power, and he does not force my submission. I freely offered it. I continue to do so. I also stand by my vote. His term of office is for the rest of our marriage and we do not revisit the decision over and over.
I believe submission must be freely given. It cannot be taken. It rests on me as my responsibility in the marriage to submit and to follow. Understanding this allows me to be a follower where it is appropriate. It allows me to offer my submission to my husband in the marriage without compromising my values, my strengths or abilities, and most importantly my self respect.
Yes, Dd Can Be Fun!
It seems to me that Dders tend to be a pretty stodgy bunch. We may or may not all be spankos, but we all are more or less committed to developing a lifestyle that involves serious focus and self discipline. We talk about rules, punishments, how to spank, when to spank, alternate punishments, dominance and submission, respect, yada, yada. I include myself when I say we can get pretty darn heavy, very serious, and sometimes seem to need to learn how to just lighten up!. I am now going to fess up, Grant and I do play, and sometimes the most serious of moments just do not go the way we expected or planned! You have to roll with it!
On most of the Dd forums it is not common to talk too much about the fun we have, but the truth is that Grant and I do have fun with the Dd aspect of our lives. We tease and talk in double entendres at times, we have had some pretty darn goofy spankings, implements that broke, went missing, and times we have just dissolved into laughter in the midst of a run of the mill maintenance spanking. On certain major Dd sites they talk about always spanking to tears, no sex after spanking, and certainly no one admits the husband is goofing and the wife is giggling! This is just not us, and really, aren’t unexpected funny times some of the best moments?
The most memorable time this happened, I was afraid to even tell my forum community because I thought they might think we were somehow not taking Dd seriously enough. I know better now, but I wish people would talk more honestly at times about the mistakes, the silly stuff, and the fun stuff, too, and let that be ok.
One time last summer I had messed up big time on taking my medications, and also had let my exercise routine lag. I had been good for so long, too! Grant had been away on business for over a week, we were to leave on vacation very soon, the kids were going to overnight camp, and I was just stressed. I had somehow let one day go by, and then another, and suddenly began to not feel well, and then realized I was not only not taking my stomach meds, but had also neglected to tell Grant what was going on. When I confessed to him he was very upset, and I was told in no uncertain terms that we would “deal with this as soon as I get home!” Translation: “You are in for a serious spanking!”
It is really hard to go several days with a punishment hanging over our heads, especially because by the day he finally was on his way, we had really talked it all out, I was back on track, and all was done except a promised punishment. I had to go to work in the city that day, and on the drive home Grant called to give me his ETA and to ask when I would be home. I explained that I had to stop at Target to pick up a last minute camp item for our son, and would be home soon. Somehow we ended up having a tense phone call (why do we do this when we are already in trouble?) and I said “Grant just cool out!” to which he replied, “OK, I will cool out, but you are going to be heating up! I want you to finish up and come straight home. When you get home I want you in the bedroom waiting for me!” This did sooo NOT sound good!
Anyway, I figured I had better do what I was told, and was ready when Grant got home. I was showered, in a nightgown and nervously prepared when he appeared in the bedroom. After a big hello hug, he sat on the stool he always uses for punishment and went into the chest where we kept the 1 implement we had at the time, a leather paddle. It was gone! He looked at me and asked where I had hidden it! I had not, never would, and told him so. At first he was not sure, but after making me show him my hands clasped behind my back, he realized I was telling the truth! Leaving me standing there by the stool, he got up and went to his closet to find something to spank with, but only came across his belt. He had used that a few weeks before and left me bruised, which he really does not like, and so I guess he decided to skip that as an option. For another minute he searched around the room, aggravated, and finally settled on using his hand and took me OTK. (I was definitely not reminding him to check kitchen drawers!) He started in but after 2 minutes, because he had hurt his hand at work, he had to stop! The punishment was supposed to be a serious one, and he was lecturing, but I have to admit, after the previous 5 minutes of build up, I was not in a very serious frame of mind! Finally, in desperation he started rustling around the stool for something else to spank me with, while I laid there OTK, trying not to drum my fingers on the floor, and also trying not to laugh! The only thing he found within grasp was a large paperback copy of Charles Dickens’ Christmas Carol!
I tried to feign being duly impressed! He tried to feign no interest in the new lace panties I just happened to be wearing (having not seen each other for over a week)when he lifted my gown . He asked in his best HoH voice, “Have I gotten through to you? Are you going to take care of yourself?” Whack, whack, whack with Dickens. “Oh absolutely, Grant!” I responded, trying to sound as contrite as possible. Where upon he rolled me off his lap onto the floor, and was on top of me in 2 seconds flat! It was a lovely and memorable homecoming!
The last funny spanking moment occurred just two days ago in NYC on a Monday morning in a very swank hotel when Grant insisted we needed to go ahead and do our maintenance spanking. He was leaving me for several days on business from there, and did not want to let it go until Friday when he will return. I do appreciate his diligence, but did not appreciate the possibility of the maid and other guests overhearing a spanking! Stubborn man that he is there was no talking him out of it. Earlier that morning we had walked through a different wing where we heard the sound of construction. So, when I was naked and over his lap on the bed, and he was warming me up with that same leather paddle (we found it), and I complained about the very loud whacking noises reverberating off the high ceilings, he did not miss a beat but started vocalizing loud circular saw sounds, accompanied by “Zzzzz, Zzzz! Hey, hand me some # 2 nails, Joe!” Whack, whack! “ Zzzzzz, Zzzzz” whack, whack! whack! We were quickly in hysterics! He finally was convinced to forgo the leather paddle and strap, and stick to the wood, which is much ouchier but much quieter too!
I rarely hear these stories form other Dders, but we cannot possibly be the only merry makers out there! Sometimes life happens, and lemonade is a fine use for a squashed lemon! Frankly, for all the very serious stuff we have learned and gained form our Dd life, these kinds of memories are still the ones I most cherish.
I Really Hate To Exercise!
A few days ago AOL ran an article based on a British survey with the byline: “In a choice between laziness and dying, dying is winning”. Click here: In a choice between laziness and dying, dying is winning – That’s Fit
The majority of adults do not exercise, eat right, etc. This is no news. It is absurd, and yet unfortunately I understand it. It is hard being responsible enough to accept inconvenience today for health tomorrow. One of the best parts about a Dd relationship is your partner gets to decide how things should be and to enforce that instead of accepting the kinds of excuses we would let ourselves get away with. And then, of course, they have to live up to those standards themselves to not be hypocritical!
Grant and I just spent a lovely get away weekend in NYC. I am back on my feet after a herniated disc, several weeks in bed, and lots of pain, followed by sessions with a physical therapist. The end result is a series of assigned core exercises along with walking that I am prescribed to do each day. The point is to build the core muscles to better support the weakened spine.
Did I mention that I hate exercise? So now, woe is me, I have to not only take medication and vitamins daily, and walk, but I also have these core exercises! I am just having a hard time getting into a new routine. I mentioned this to Grant last week, and he growled and said “You have no choice. Just DO them!” Was that supposed to actually work? I tried; I really did, but only managed 3 out of 6 days. It all caught up with me on Friday night when he looked across the table at me at a delightful Italian Restaurant in Little Italy and asked, directly, how the exercise was going. I told him. I told him that I was “still having a hard time”. So, this as usual starts the inquisition: “Did you exercise today?” “Well…no.” “Did you exercise yesterday?” Uh, no I didn’t.” “OK, how about the day before that?” (He is nothing if not persitant!) I was really ashamed to have to say. “No Honey, not then either.” “Well when was the last time you did exercise?” “I am sure I did it….Tuesday.” “That was 3 days ago!” “Grant I told you I was having trouble!” He looks at me over his glass of Chianti, “Sara you are killing me!”
That lead to a serious dinner time lecture on health, commitment, what I owe him and the kids not to mention myself. The discussion ended with him taking my hand across the table, kissing my fingers and telling me “You know I am not going to let this go, don’t you?” So there I am on a romantic weekend with my husband, now facing a punishment. One I knew I deserved too. After dinner we strolled hand in hand through an Italian Street festival, looking at all the people and lights, and he stopped to buy me a red rose and a silly little red teddy bear from a street vendor. My husband is ever the romantic!
Finally we went back to the hotel. It was quite late and we were both tired, I did not want to be punished, but I was going to accept whatever he decided. He started to undress and stopped and looked at me, “You have put me in a difficult position and I am really unhappy about it.” “I know you are unhappy and I am really sorry!”…”What is the position you are in?” “I told you I would punish you and I know I should, but I don’t feel right about it. I feel that if I don’t you will think I am weak, and if I do I will think I am cruel!” “Grant, what are you talking about?” Grant rarely backs off a punishment due…he does what he says. But he looked at me and said, “You have been in so much awful pain this past month, and I just cannot feel right about causing you more. Look, I need to know in 3 days we will not be having this same conversation. I want your word. I want you to promise me, that you are going to do your exercises, take your medicines and vitamins, and do everything you must to take care of yourself!” I promised, of course. And then he talked to me about how hard it was for him to have to take me to the emergency room and see me in such pain, how hard it was for the kids to see me unable to get out of bed, and how I need to take care of myself for them. I felt absolutely awful for not being better, stronger, taking the whole thing more seriously. I don’t think there is any spanking that would have had the same affect, would have made me feel that I just cannot let him down again.
Once you get past the issues that new Dd-ers have around consistency, the focus is much more on communication and discipline, and in time the discipline hopefully becomes self discipline more and more. So last night when I got home from NYC I exercised even though I was tired, and this morning when I got up I walked before getting on the computer. Even though I still hate exercise, how could I not do this for Grant and my kids?
My Rules
I have been thinking a lot about submission. How I understood it then and now, but as I began to write I realized I had to back up and talk about rules. So…I will go there first. Rules and the submission can follow.
My Rules…
Take my vitamin, take any medications as prescribed, follow through on Dr’s appointments and orders, exercise daily, follow my medical diet-I have some medical issues that make all of the above important. Like most people, I don’t tend to follow through very well on self care. That takes self discipline and Grant sees it as his job to step in to impose external discipline should I weaken in my resolve.
Be safe – Make sure doors (and windows) are locked at night when he is away. Don’t do anything to compromise my safety. I am not to drive over 70 …(and I “will be very sorry if I ever get a speeding/moving violations ticket of any kind!” He recently added – No climbing up on things. Now I have to say this one is pending in my mind. I am unconvinced he could possibly be serious. He did say it, but…? He is concerned about me falling because of my disc problems. I have never hesitated to climb a ladder, stand on a chair or table to reach something. All of the sudden I am to be floor bound? Is he kidding? Pfft!
No cursing, no attitude, no “whatever” – So what is it with guys and “whatever”? It is like “Duh!” …a basic all purpose word of meaning! I know, I know…respect.
He has “final say”.
Do things he says I have to. (In some circles this is called “obedience”)-
He often gives me a lists of jobs to tackle over a weekend or when he is away. These are really small household chores that he feels have been neglected, or phone calls that need to be made, or things he wants me to prioritize. They are not a big deal, never take more than a few hours that I can spread over several days, but I do find I debate within myself about the little things the most at times!
No forums or blogs during the work day - I had a problem with the computer taking over my time and focus, so he stepped in. I am also not allowed on the computer in the morning before I have at least walked.
Do not undermine his authority in front of the kids - I unconditionally agree with this but still am challenged by it!
No secrets.
We expect the basics of each other…respect, honesty, kindness, so I am not even listing those!
I have very mixed feelings about having rules. I have actually never listed them out like this. My stomach kind of did a tiny flip when I read them to myself, quite frankly! Part of me cannot believe this is my life, that I accept this from him, that I allow this, that I even agreed to this! I really had no clue where we were going when I brought Dd to him. I figured there would be come disagreements and yes at times some spankings. I never in a million years thought my whole life would change like it has.
I have always hated rules. I have always been, quietly, discreetly and completely rebellious. What that means is that I was a very carefully ‘good girl’ growing up because I had way too much responsibility in the family as a child and I understood that was my job. There was no room for not being good. With that responsibility came a power that I used cautiously but persistently. I believed I carried the world on my shoulders after all! I made a lot of decisions about what to do and did it. So I was a very ‘good girl’ but that was MY decision. In my adult life I never did well with bosses. I was always polite, but I felt a personal responsibility for deciding what I would and would not do, and in my time frame as well. I quietly bristled under authority. I guess the bottom line is I did not have much basic respect for authority unless it happened to be an authority I respected. The concept of authority, in general, was not something I particularly bought into. The idea of an order to the world with a hierarchy was not something I jived with. How interesting that I ended up living like this, and by choice no less. In fact looking way back, it is ironic and interesting that I chose a man to marry who is very traditional in his thinking and dominant in his attitude, and that after many years married we evolved into this type of 24/7 relationship called Dd. Sometimes at gut level we know what we need even if it is not what we want.
For the first 22 yrs of our marriage, and the 5 yrs we were a couple before that, I had no rules. The relationship was just not like that. I mean we had the common expectations of each other, but I believe I would have run, not walked, had Grant ever told me he was imposing a “rule”! When we began, Dd started with the basics of Respect and Cooperation. We were to be respectful of each other, and I was to cooperate with him when he made a final decision. Grant also specifically required, and I agreed, that he had the final say, unconditionally, when it came to safety. Grant said for him that was a non-negotiable stipulation from day one. I totally had no clue what I was agreeing to there, I might add! The word “Obey” was unthinkable.
So how do you get from there to here? Slowly, step by step. We evolved . We have developed the relationship as we grew, as issues came up, as we figured out what we thought would work according to a newly agreed to structure called Domestic Discipline. Truly I think every couple has to figure out what will work for them. There is no hard and fast formula. One thing we always did is talk a lot, and we struggled for honesty, which is harder than it sounds at times. A rule is a rule and an agreement is an agreement. Being very honest with myself has been important, and not accepting excuses from myself has helped me to see that if I agree to submit to his authority, and then I break a rule, I am not honoring our agreement. It really is that basic.
The whole internal process remains tough for me, though. I want to fight against the boundaries I obviously need. Why do I do that? Likely it is sometimes as simple as ‘because they are there’. I do try hard these days to make this my argument between me and me, rather than between me and Grant. He has pointed out that it is unfair to him to test him. He deserves not to be put through the hoops of setting a rule, me breaking it to see of he will follow through with enforcing a punishment. As adults we should be able to discuss rather than act out. We both think that really does become game playing. Games are fine in their place, but not when they are manipulative and not consensual. So when I get that need to “feel the walls” (our terms), I just tell him. It is not always easy to do that, but much cleaner and more honest. With the responsibility he takes on his shoulders, I owe him that!
So much of Domestic Discipline comes down to honesty I think. Honesty with yourself first, and then with your partner. All of our rules are real life concerns. Grant would not require of me, nor punish for anything that he did not feel had to do with health or safety, for me or our marriage. If he asks me to do something and I forget, he would never spank. If he asks repeatedly, so it is obvious that I am not trying to be cooperative, then it becomes an issue, because it is about the relationship. We keep things pretty simple. There are no rules about having to wear a spanking fetish item for punishment, being spanked every time I say the word ‘petunia’ or other artificially created issues. Not that there is anything wrong with those “rules” but they are really for fun, not for a real 24/, get us through life, marital dynamic. For me that is what I always come back to in my head, and it gets me through my internal rebellions. Grant only asks of me what he perceives as important to me or us. He loves me and is committed to care for me. Do I trust him? The answer is yes.
What Am I?
I had an odd experience yesterday. It has been a very rough work week, tense and challenging. I have had some management issues I had to deal with firmly, and 2 different Dept directors I had to reprimand. This is certainly not my favorite part of my job, but sometimes you just have to be tough. It becomes the only responsible thing to do. Any good HoH knows this.
Halfway though my adventures today, before I handled the 2nd Director, I was bouncing my thoughts off one of my right hand senior management people, John. I like to do that before a confrontation, to organize my thoughts and get perspective. He is fairly new to the company, but I respect him. His style is no nonsense. He is not always the most popular guy, but you always know where you stand. Balanced with integrity and intelligence, in my eyes, that makes him a valued member of my team. After I went through my thoughts, on why the Director, who I supervise, was not handling certain things well, John said the following. He acknowledged that the man had made some mistakes and that I have to deal with those, but he pointed out that he is fairly new, not hugely experienced, and that I am a “very tough woman”. He said that people are afraid of me! He said that although there are never displays of anger, if I am displeased I give people “the look” and they know I am not pleased! They get scared. John said he was not at all criticizing my style, just pointing out what a force I am to be reckoned with, and how unusual it is to work with a woman who wields so much personal power, and is so direct with people.
I was really taken aback. First of all that is not how I view myself. I feel so un-scary! My secret is that is so hard for me to be tough with people that I have to sometimes force myself. I make excuses for people, am a soft touch for an emotional story, and wait too long to reprimand. I know I have high standards, but no more than I ask of myself. The reality is that I can count on one hand the people I have fired…you have to make me fire you (which some people do). On the other hand I am direct with people, telling them where I see problems and giving them the opportunity to grow. My assistant observed that no one floats at our company. I do expect people to swim, and if you are trying to just float along it does not last long. I guess that is true, but I also treat my people with tremendous respect and consideration. I expect them to work hard and play hard, to stay late when it is necessary and to take a morning off to be at their child’s school play too.
I left the office really bothered. This man sees me as a completely dominant woman! If he only knew how I lived at home he would just never believe it! And then I began to wonder whether that submissive part of me is real at all! My self image was somehow a bit shaken, and I wondered if the balance between dominant and submissive was just in my imagination. I know I am working too hard, and not sleeping well. It has likely affected me. I did what I always do when in doubt, I called Grant. I told him the whole story in detail. He listened and he laughed. He said “Of course you are a very strong woman! What other kind could take a company from 2 to 8 million gross in under 10 years? Grow from one to 3 locations? Who else but a very strong woman could maintain leadership and make the kinds of decisions you do every day?” …”However, you do submit to me, and there is a balance. I am proud of who you are, and the strengths you have!” Finally he asked “Are you going to listen to John or to your husband?” I said “To you, of course” “OK then, don’t you doubt yourself! Oh and by the way, John apparently wasn’t afraid to say what he did, was he?” Hmm, he did have a point there!
I am not usually that shaken by someone’s perception of me, but John’s comments struck on the issue of some inner conflicts that I am not quite settled with, obviously. Who and what am I, really? How do I make sense of my complexities? I remembered of a post from the blog, The Punishment Book. http://www.punishmentbook.org/2007/08/coming-out-im-n.html In Coming Out: I’m Not A Submissive Angie wrote about trying to figure out how to see herself. When she started to realize that maybe she was not a submissive, a trusted advisor told her “as long as you keep feeling like you’re a failed submissive, you’re not giving yourself a chance to be happy being what you are.” That struck me as really good advice when I first read it, and even more so now. I am not really sure what I am, but I guess I am not a submissive. I take the lead with people all the time. I am also not a dominant. I yield to my husband all the time. Maybe being happy with what I am means seeing beyond the labels to accept that I am not easily categorized into any role, that I am too complex. Maybe to see myself clearly I need to see beyond what is readily apparent and look beneath the surface. OK, so I accept, I am not “a submissive” either! Even so…what am I?
Maintaining Dd
Maintenance spanking has evolved into a special time for us, and actually something I look forward to. I remember reading on the Loving DD blog about the idea of “spanking the woman to tears” as a necessary element, and it seemed like there was little difference between punishment and maintenance. That is not how we do things. I used to be nervous, or at least get butterflies, because spankings do hurt, sometimes a lot, but the overall experience has become so lovely, that it usually outweighs that part. I honestly think Grant looks forward to them too.
We do not schedule, because that is his strong preference and it does work for us this way. It is his call when, although I can and do ask if I feel I need it, and he has not already noticed the need. We always do OTL on the bed , and we either light the fire place or a scented candle, and turn the lights off. This is not a GG, although it could go there, but it is a time for us, to be together, to talk, sometimes to laugh, to deal with things between us, and or simply to enjoy the intimacy. In the past six months things changed and now he tends to push me a lot further. I seem to need that. It helps with stress, and allows me to somehow let go of my grip on controlling my world in a way that nothing else does. It quiets me inside.
While he does the warm up he talks about this and that, sometimes what is on his mind, or sometimes just asking how my day went, and how I am feeling. He usually asks some questions that have to do with issues we work on, such as my exercise, whether I have taken my meds, if I have done something he asked me to do several days ago that he forgot to check on. If the answer is the right one, it is all good, if not, then I pay the price then and there. I have rarely gone into a maintenance not knowing what was coming, and am pretty good at telling him first if there is an issue. Part of the maintenance is about him reminding both of us that we have rules and responsibilities, of his authority.
What evolved over time has been much more of an understanding of this kind of spanking as a reaffirmation of the roles on our marriage, our commitments to each other. Through the ritual of dominance and submission we put into action our organizational construct in a real and poignant way. It is very powerful. In a sense it has reminded me of the weekly ritual of going to church to remember one’s relationship with God. We set this time aside twice a week to remember our relationship with each other.
These sessions have gotten to be pretty long. At least a half hour, and often longer. He does stop and talk sometimes, or stop and he will massage my back or legs to listen to me talk. A long time ago, when we started this, I remember telling him that I needed him to talk to me, and he said he did not know what to say. That took time to evolve, as everything does. He began something then that he does nearly every time now, he always asks me “Do you know why I am spanking you?” or “You know why we do this, don’t you?” The answer was “Because I love you!” “For us, because you need this, and we need this!” I cried the first time I heard that. It has set the tone for a special time for us that might be about discipline, or communication, or end up sexual, but which is always about our love and our commitment to our marriage.
The RIGHT Way To Do Dd
I am going to cover all the Dd do’s and don’ts in the world according to Sara. What is the right way to do Dd? There isn’t one. I believe there are things that tend to work and not work for the majority, I believe there are attitudes and qualities that are needed for a successful Dd relationship, but there is no right or wrong way.
Since starting this blog I have heard from numerous people wanting to, or just beginning to start their Dd journey. I felt I needed to say this, before I go any further. This blog reflects my feelings and personal beliefs. You read and learn, but ultimately have to find your own way. Our paths may diverge and that is ok!
There are forums and blogs out there that will tell you ‘the rules’. I think I have read every one of them at some point and still read a few. The problem is that while we are very much the same as human beings we are also very much individuals as well. Each couple has their own rhythm and must integrate Dd, making a personally tailored fit according to their needs and standards.After my last post I thought I was going to post something about maintenance next, but I realized I needed to address my perspective on the ‘right way’ first. There are certain issues such as sex after punishment, and maintenance too, that tend to be a bit controversial in Dd circles. People seem to feel strongly about them. I feel strongly about them, and how we do things for us, but would never want to insist that someone else should do things the same way. I do believe we all have to try new things and explore possibilities.
There are things I knew I would never do, and others I was pretty sure I would not try. Several examples: Wood implements were out! I was doubtful I would ever be willing or able to handle anything that severe. It is laughable now…but in the beginning that was how I felt. Grant was right there with me. It took us a good six months to start maintenance, and it was once a week, unscheduled, because Grant felt restricted by a “schedule”. Now we feel maintenance is the corner stone of our Dd. We do not mix religion into Dd. It is just not our perspective. I do not believe God ‘wants’ me to be submissive. I don’t see what a writer of the old testament thought about male/female relationships as evidence of God’s will, but rather as evidence of basic human nature that is much the same thousands of years later. But that is just me. I am willing to agree to disagree.
What I do think is a necessity in a Dd marriage is commitment. Honesty, hard work, a willingness to step outside the bounds of socially accepted behaviors. You also eventually need to be willing to venture outside the bounds of what you feel comfortable with. There is a learning curve, and I have had to understand that what did not work for me a year ago might just work now. I/we were not ready. I also think a basic necessity is unlearning selfish thinking and investing in the US over the ME. What I mean is making what works for us as a couple more important that what works for me as an individual. The things are interrelated, of course, and there must be a balance, but I believe deciding to become a team has to happen for a Dd relationship to work.
I used the forums, blogs and Dd stories to understand the possibilities and to begin the lifestyle. Ultimately we had to find our own way, and I think everyone comes to that. It would be lovely and much easier of there was a course to take, or a membership group to join, and you just followed the prescribed system and thus became a successful Dd couple. I had to look at the ways other people do things and discuss them with Grant. We talk a LOT! There are things I was willing to try but he was not. There were things we did try that left us feeling like it/we just missed the mark. We had to be willing to make mistakes as a couple, and to allow ourselves and each other to make mistakes. That needed to not be the end of the world or the end of Dd. The one thing we always did right was talk. We shared ourselves, and we try hard to allow the other to be part of the thought process as we develop our Dd together.
I have strong feelings on things, but I also know that I do not know a lot. My beliefs are limited by my realm of experience and my understanding of myself and our relationship. I am putting myself ‘out there’ here by saying what I think, realizing that a year from now I might read back and know I was wrong, or just did not know what I did not know. That’s life, and taking risks is a part of it, and in my experience part of the growth process. I am so thankful that I and we continue to grow. That as I go into the 2nd half of my life I am excited about my marriage, feel fulfilled, and that Grant and I have so much to look forward to!
Being Stuck and Pushing Through
We do a twice a week maintenance spanking. This is separate from punishment or sex. At some point I will discuss maintenance, but for now I want to talk about something else. Last night I was told “It’s time”. Grant likes to flex things according to our schedules and moods, but it comes out to every 4 days, give or take. Last night it was time, partially because it had been 4 days, and partially because I was just uptight and unable to let go and get past it.
Spanking often helps me with that. It is a time to reconnect, to remember and focus on our roles in the marriage, and also it pulls me out of my head and relaxes me (afterwards at least) like nothing else. I was irritated with Grant all day for no particular reason that either of us could think of. He asked me why several times during the day, and I really thought about it, but had to admit there was no good reason I could come up with! I felt badly for being this way, but it would not go away. I just could not stop the prickly feelings from surfacing.
When Grant told me to “go get ready”, as he always does, there was a brief exchange. Me: “I really don’t want to do maintenance tonight!” Grant: “OK, I understand”…….”You don’t think that is going to change anything do you?” Me: “No, of course not. But I wanted to tell you.” Grant: “OK, I will be there in 15 minutes.”
I almost never tell him I don’t want to do maintenance. And I am glad, of course, that he doesn’t let my mood or desires affect these rituals, but I was so not in the mood! I got ready and told him, again, as I was going over his lap that I really did not want to be doing this. He was very low key, saying again “That’s OK” as he rubbed my back and then started the spanking.
After a long warm up, the ‘real’ spanking began, and I just could not get into the groove! It hurt a lot, I could not relax and zone out, I was feeling agitated, and the longer he went the worse that got. I was getting madder by the minute and had this awful feeling of fighting him and the spanking. I was not literally fighting, although I did put my hand back once, but I was fighting inside. And I could not shut up in my head! For me spanking quiets that inner dialogue that runs constantly…it pulls me into my heart and body and out of my head. This time I was holding on for dear life!
Spankings are so very much something we do together, and I just could not manage to get myself on his page at all. He stopped for a bit and held me over his lap and we talked about it, but to no avail. Then, he simply spanked.
Most times I can feel the resistance, the tension…the walls melt away. This time I just felt pain and irritation with him, guilt about the irritation, and disappointment in myself. I just felt stuck. When he finally stopped we ‘reconnected’ and I fell immediately into an exhausted sleep. Maybe part of the problem was that I was overtired…maybe. The odd thing is that whether it felt like the spanking achieved it’s purpose last night or not, whether I was able to feel a release of stress or not, I woke up feeling relaxed and the tension was gone.
Part of what we have learned over the past two years is that there is a system, it works, and we need to consistently stick to it whether we feel like it in the moment or not. Of course there are times when extenuating circumstances require using some judgment, but more often that not, we just go with the plan. That takes faith and discipline to push through when one of us doesn’t “feel like it”. He is too tired, I am too cranky…whatever the case may be. Within 24 hours of the estimated time of spanking delivery, he makes it happen and I make myself accept it. That really has made all the difference for us.
Part of this is admitting to ourselves that this does work, that it is what we need to keep our marriage on track. For me it involved getting past feeling weird about needing this, or even wanting to understand why it works. I don’t know exactly why it works, or why I need it, or why now he needs it too. I just know it does and we do.
MBS Spanko Brunch #87
Over on My Bottom Smarts Bonnie asked:
Do you believe your interest in spanking is inborn, learned, or some combination of the two? Might it vary from one person to the next? Does it change with the passage of time?
I think sexuality, like everything else within us, is a combination of nature and nurture. I do think that there is some inbred spanko inclination. I remember always being fascinated by spanking in books and on TV, even before I was old enough to connect that with a sexual interest. I also know that I have allowed myself to develop that inclination in the past two years, when before I pretty much tamped it down, and kept it under wraps. I learned to enhance the interest and nurtured the seeds that were already there, and it has grown.
I have no awareness of any relative before me having the interest, but had a mind blowing experience this past summer at a family dinner with Grant and the kids. I had indulged in a rare and awful temper tantrum with Grant the night before, and had, um…well thrown the TV remote in our hotel room against the wall. It smashed into too many pieces to ever work again. I now feel a huge urge to go into a bunch of disclaimers because I am embarrassed to admit that I lost it that way, but I will resist and leave it here…I am embarrassed. (Oh and also Grant had made me really, really, really mad!) Anyway, as we were on vacation and we were talking with the kids about them coming to our hotel room to watch a movie after dinner, I had to mention that we no longer exactly had a working remote!
Grant and I ended up telling a partial story to our kids about what had happened. They are 21, 18 and 14, and I don’t think it is a bad thing to let them know that we are human and do make mistakes, and that we resolve those together. (This resolution involved some serious OTK time with a very heavy duty strap, but that is another story.) So… in the midst of a wonderful upscale seafood restaurant, and after the kids looked at me incredulously that I had actually done something like this, Grant offered, “Your Mother is overtired form all our traveling and just got over emotional. It can happen.” As he was taking a bite of grilled fish, my 21 year old shook his head and said, “That is when you have to take off your belt!”, and continued eating like this was no big deal at all! The conversation went on without pause and turned to other things, as I tried hard to somehow continue to look unaffected and not crawl under the table. I was just mortified! And I was shocked too! To me my son is the epitome of liberal minded and laid back. He has strong artistic inclinations, wears his hair too long, his full beard often untrimmed. He is self assured but avoids confrontations when he can. He also played varsity H.S. football and was a defensive lineman…he is a big teddy bear kind of a guy! Some lucky submissive woman will have her hands full down the road, I am now convinced!
I am also positive our kids do not know about the disciplinary aspect of our marriage. It has only been 2 yrs, and B went away to college just before we began Dd. They do know Grant is the HoH and that we have mutually agreed to that. We do not share personal intimate details with our kids. This seemed to be coming from inside B, how he apparently thinks. Yeah it is inbred. Yikes, having a kink and seeing it in your son are two entirely different things!
