Finding Sara

I have been in a DD marriage for 2 years this week. DD has been an interesting journey to say the least. It has not only turned my 22 1/2 year marriage around from divorce to joy, but also began me on a journey of self exploration that I feel compelled to continue.

Yesterday I was on a 5 hour drive with my soon to be 21 yr old son. He mentioned that a guy next to us, an elder gent in a convertible Porsche was driving his ‘mid life crisis’. He asked if I had mine yet. I told him I was not there yet, but he pointed out that I am turning 50 next month (rude boy!), and so was statistically more than half way ‘there’!

Was DD my mid life crisis? I feel like it was my mid life awakening. Grant and I were unable to have a peaceful life together. He was always a leader, but I was surely never a follower. Unlike many women who adopt this lifestyle, I never looked, consciously at least, for a man to take the lead, nor did I yearn to be submissive.

My life was just the opposite. I graduated a year early from high school and went to a prestigious Ivy League college when I was 17. My goal was to make an independent self sufficient life, married or not.

I chose to study comparative religions with a focus on myth, ritual and symbolism, and after a circuitous route eventually went back to graduate school to become a Freudian Psychoanalyst. I had a marriage, 3 kids, and a private practice for about 12 yrs. I took a few years as a stay at home Mom with 3 small kids, but when the youngest went to first grade, I went back to work at a non profit in a part time administrative role . Several years later I became a Director, and finally the CEO. I also have my own private business ‘on the side’.

The point of all this credentialing being that I am highly educated, capable, independent and financially self sufficient. For all that I was not really happy in my marriage and neither was Grant. There was an ongoing power struggle that almost destroyed us and our family.

Now, looking back it seems so simple and obvious. We loved each other, had a good life, but the power dynamics were off, and there were 2 people in charge which essentially meant no one in charge.

Being a therapist I believe in therapy. I went to therapy, Grant went to therapy and we together went to therapy. There was not one therapist or marriage counselor that ever addressed the power struggle in the marriage. I have done a good bit of marriage counseling myself as a therapist. This is not an issue that we are taught to address. It is not politically correct, and it is outside the paradigm of today’s culture.

We struggled on, and it was not until we were separated for a year, en route to divorce, that I began to consider what I wanted just for me, outside of the context of our marriage. I typed in ’spanking’ on the Internet and found my way to DD sites. I thought I had a sexual interest in spanking. I had no idea that I was drawn to the idea of an in charge husband who would ‘take me in hand’ if he needed to. After 2 months of extensive reading it dawned on me that Grant, who I knew I still loved but could not live with, was that man. Maybe the wars were not all his fault? Maybe the weaknesses I criticized him for were due to my not being willing to follow him while he insisted on leading?

We talked, I shared my thoughts, admitted my failings, and we agreed to try to live together again with new rules, those of a DD marriage.

It has been an interesting journey. I feel we are well established and secure in who we are now, as a DD couple. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and Grant has said he is too. We are a team, and the restrictions, the roles and responsibilities of a DD way of life have allowed both Grant and I the freedoms to develop ourselves as individuals, and in our careers as never before. It is interesting to watch as the chains that bind us set us free.

So why this blog? Because my journey is changing a bit. I am wanting/needing a place to share more openly with other people who are on a similar path. The forums are not quite the place, and anonymity is a necessity in today’s world where admitting that rules and punishment are part of your marriage is categorized as abuse. I started a blog a few months back, but it was really a place for my more personal musings, and I was Internet ignorant. Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts found it and posted the link, and I absolutely panicked!

I had never thought to engage in public blogging, and yet I peruse blogs daily. I have learned from them, they inspire thoughts, and have been part of figuring out who I am and where I am going. So…here I am. I am keeping my private blog for Grant and I, and starting this open to the public blog to hope to share some ideas regarding domestic discipline as a 50 yr old feminist in today’s world, to see if I can contribute, and learn. Maybe some readers will be inspired to comment and we can share some ideas.