The Romance of Dd
One if the many upsides to Dd is that my husband can protect me. I have allowed, and he has taken, the responsibility of my welfare to rest on his shoulders. This is surely a mixed bag, but right now, in this moment feels like a relief. Actually it mostly has felt like a relief once I accepted the boundaries and allowed myself to stop fighting it. Metaphorically and literally, when he constructs walls to protect me, those same walls also bind me. They can and do, get in the way of me doing what I might otherwise, or would prefer at times, and yet he has patiently and not so patiently explained that he cannot keep me safe if I refuse to stay within the walls, thus refusing his protection. Men have a fundamental need to protect their own. I love feeling like I am his to protect.
It all seems so old fashioned, archaic even, when written out like that. I must admit, though, it also strikes a chord in me. It is emotionally satisfying even if frustrating at times. I do feel loved and safe. Am I so very different from most women out there? I am not entirely sure, but I suspect not. I think I just opened myself to a natural part of me that was buried.
I understand why romance novels appeal. The heroine is impetuous, proud, feisty, and will not accept limits. She meets a Prince, or Laird, or just a guy, who feels a primal need to protect her, in spite of herself, before he even realizes that he loves her. You can write that 12 ways and be a best selling author. Why is that?
Who reads this stuff?
“By the 2000s, romance had become the most popular genre in modern literature. In 2004, romantic fiction generated $1.2 billion in sales, with 2,285 romance novels published. Almost 55% of all paperback books sold in 2004 were romance novels… Twenty-two percent of romance readers identified themselves as male, and the romance readers were split evenly between people who were married and those who were single… forty-two percent of them have at least a bachelor’s degree.”
And why are we reading it?
“While not fully rehabilitating the genre’s reputation, scholars …have looked at the genre in a broader social context, as other scholars have done with soap operas, western novels, science fiction, and other popular entertainment. These studies have contributed to defenses of the genre, such as fans’ argument that the perceived stigma is due to the fact that romance is the only genre “written almost exclusively by women for women.” Others have recharacterized the romance’s fundamental story in ways that positively frame the genre. Romance novelist Jennifer Crusie counters that in the modern romance novel “a woman is rewarded with unconditional love [only] if she remains true to herself”, while novelist Susan Elizabeth Phillips believes that romance novels are popular because the heroine always wins, sometimes overcoming great odds so that she is no longer a victim…Best selling author Nora Roberts sums up the genre, saying “The books are about the celebration of falling in love and emotion and commitment, and all of those things we really want.”(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_novel)
I have an expanded theory. It relates to Dd, of course. Apparently the genre grew out of the Gothic novels of the 1800’s, and really came into being in the 1920’s and took shape through the 1930’s. Is it coincidence that women got the vote in 1920? Women’s roles in the 20’s and 30’s changed hugely. The flappers voted, cut their hair, smoked and drank. By the 30’s the great depression forced women out of their homes and to work. As women, our worlds radically changed.
So much was gained. Who would ever want to go back? Not me! But I do think we left parts of ourselves behind. We stepped outside the castle walls and lost the protection of our Prince. Most of us today do not even have the option to go back to being that housewife who baked pies and lived under her man’s protection. There are mortgages to pay, a world that demands our independence on many levels. And yet, there are more romance novels sold and read than ever…and we are mostly women, and “42% have at least a B.A.”!
We can satisfy those primal feminine needs, and vicariously experience them being met, through immersion in the fantasy world of the Romance Novel. Once you get hooked, you read them over and over, variations on the theme. There is a self soothing quality to the experience. Romance readers tend to need to get their fix!
Maybe those of us who choose to enter into Domestic Discipline marriages take this all one step further. We chose to not only fantasize about it but to live it. It is a difficult thing to grapple with, the blend of the old and the new, being a liberated educated woman in 2007, and yet under the authority of a husband who does exercise that authority in a myriad of ways.
This is one of the many reasons I have said that Dd is not necessarily about spanking. While almost all Dd couples do use that as one tool, it truly is not about the spanking. Most other kinds of spanking relationships are about the spanking. I think Dd is about authority, the marriage dynamic, and in a way the romance of the union…underneath it all.
So all of this came out of my husband making a few decisions for me last night regarding where I spend my time and with whom I associate. I am a little surprised that I can appreciate the boundaries, and find relief in the security of his protection. His focus on what is good for me, and thus for us, is steady, and solid. I am so glad I have that in my life…and him! (the “King” 
)
A Dd Thansgiving
After I put my Chocolate cake in the oven yesterday morning, and I was washing dishes, I was reminiscing about last Thanksgiving, and one of my favorite ever Dd moments, at least to date. It happened last Thanksgiving, 2006.
I am lucky enough to be married to a man who cooks, and who cooks very well. He also enjoys it. In our house Grant cooks the Holiday meals. Yay! I make the stuffing, do the baking, and this year made an apple cranberry applesauce. I do wash a lot of dishes! Grant is a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to many things. He is most particular about HIS kitchen, HIS food….etc. There was an almost- blow-up one time because he wanted me to label pies…that I baked mind you…for my guests at our summer house. If he had not threatened a spanking I would never have labeled those pies…who labels pies? Never mind…I digress.
Last Thanksgiving after a wonderful meal, and a lovely but long day, I was clearing the table with the kids. Grant was still at the table over coffee, chatting with his brother, and I really wanted him to sit and relax, especially given how hard he had worked all day. He, of course, was trying to direct me from the dining room! I was busy and very politely ignoring him.
Finally he got up and came into the kitchen and worked himself up into a scold when he found me in there alone. “I thought I said I wanted the kids in here helping you?” “Yes, Hon, but they did help me clear, and I told them to leave because it is too difficult with all that ‘help’ to get the food into containers. I told them to go and I would call them for dessert.” “But, I wanted them helping.” He responded, and then distracted by my clean up efforts, said “Wait, leave the turkey, I will finish carving that and put it away. Put the potatoes in that container, and don’t fill it too high. And I want the gravy in that…” As he went on, I hit my tolerance level. I have been cleaning kitchens, and putting away food for many a year. I thought I could be trusted to handle the Tupperware! I put my hands on my hips and glared “Grant, you need to go keep your brother company. After 49 years I think I can manage the darn Tupperware. This is NOT brain surgery!” I turned my back and started banging containers. “Grant wasn’t moving. “Sara watch your tone with me! I want things done the right way!” I had had it. “What am I an idiot? Leave me alone!” Slam! (plastics hitting stone counter) “That’s it. I want you in the bedroom now!” “Yeah well …I don’t think so!” I answered. We had a 2 sec staring contest and I was not moving! Sheesh…this is LEFTOVERS! Grant scowled and left, and I got the food under control.
Two minutes later the phone rang and I decided I was not answering. I was still fitting things in the fridge and still not in a great mood! Apparently my brother-in-law answered it, because he came in the kitchen holding the phone out saying, “Sara it’s for you.” I just looked at him…who would be calling on Thanksgiving evening for me? I had talked to all the family, our friends…? “Who is it, Chris?” I asked. He looked a bit bewildered. I don’t know. Some guy with an Indian accent, but he definitely asked to speak to you. I shrugged and took the phone, put it to my ear and said tentatively “Hello?”
The next thing I heard was that unmistakable HoH tone, “Sara, you have exactly two seconds to get yourself into this bedroom!” Grant had gone in our bedroom and used his cell to call the home phone, and his accent was good enough to fool even his brother! Being smarter than I look, I hustled for the bedroom as discreetly as I could to be met by an irritated man with his arms crossed leaning against the door jamb of our dressing room. “Come over here…now!” he ordered. I did, only to be pulled to him into a big hug, as he growled “Get it together and knock off the attitude!” Whack, whack, whack. And I did.
Coming To Terms
It has been so hard to write this week. My heart has felt like it is breaking, and how do I talk about that? Our son has been diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder. It is what I have suspected for some time, but hearing it is a whole other thing. This is my baby, my boy. I want to somehow make it better and I cannot fix this. Isn’t that my job? I am his Mom, and that is what Moms do. I am failing him. No, I know this is not true, my rational self does, but underneath I am in grief. This will take some time for all of us to come to terms with. My son has a life long and possibly debilitating illness. That breaks a parent’s heart.
So we have found a Dr who has correctly diagnosed him. I took him a year ago to a top University Bi-polar clinic where the top man told me he was not Bi-polar. He was wrong, and our son has lost a year of his life on the wrong medications. So now through a circuitous route we have found a great Dr, and he feels he can help him. He is a psychiatrist who also has a PhD in biochemistry, and integrates a holistic approach, and we are excited about all of that. The problem is our son refuses to see any Dr. It is irrational, and it has to do with the illness itself, and some paranoid thoughts… his fears.
The Dr has said we need to take a hard approach. We are fighting for his life. We will tell him he must go, and if not start shutting things down, the Internet, the Cable, stop cooking for him etc, and he has referred us to “Tough Love” a support organization for parents going through this kind of crisis. Grant feels we do not have to go to Tough Love at this point, because that is his specialty! J It is; when the going gets tough the tough gets going…and that is my husband! He is just able to pull himself together and be focused on the goal, be tough, draw a hard line and stick to it. I am so NOT good at that!
That is where Dd comes into this. Grant and I are opposites in some ways. He keeps me on the straight and narrow in many ways, and I help him to be softer. It works. What used to be the source of conflict (and I won’t lie and say it never is anymore, but mostly not) we have now learned to balance. That has become crucial right now, and I am so grateful we are where we are in our marriage, which is because we incorporated Dd. That strength and united front will be what gives us the capability to help our son. In the past this kind of situation would have torn us apart, and we would have turned on each other instead of on the problem.
I do find, though, that I suddenly have little interest in spanking. Not for fun, not for maintenance. The last maintenance session I wrote about. It just didn’t ‘work’ for me. I think I am emotionally overwhelmed. I know I can count on Grant to be consistent, and that is a very good thing. If it were up to me I would tend to let it go. I am emotionally driven, he is less so. He sees the right thing to do and just does it, more often than I. So, I will do what he asks, and I will try, but somehow I almost do not have the emotional resources, or maybe I am just too defended. I am just not sure. When I face adversity I find I have to gather myself and put some walls up to keep the emotions in and do what I have to. I only know that in the two years we have had spanking in our marriage I have never felt like this before. I do feel reassured though, that Grant will keep us steady. If nothing else maintenance will keep us connected, and that is so important, especially now.
So we tried to talk to our son on Fri night and he refused to listen. We let it go, and tried again an hour later with no success. Finally Grant just said it, that he goes to the Dr or we start pulling the plugs. That we WILL help him whether he wants that or not, that we love him that much. The response was F.U. Grant was wonderful. He didn’t even acknowledge that, but stayed calm and steady. We eventually made a joint decision to put this confrontation off until after the Thanksgiving holiday. Our Daughter is coming home from college for 4 days, and we just think we all need a peaceful family holiday, and a calm one. Our son was told, and seems relieved. Grant then left on a two night business trip, which has taken the stress off the situation, and I very casually talked to our son for just a few minutes this morning when he came down for breakfast. I asked if we could talk, he said no. I went ahead anyway, and said “You don’t have to live like this. You have so much, are so much…you need to move on with your life!” I then mentioned that the meds were not the right ones. He looked at me saying, “It just doesn’t matter. I am done trying.” I can literally feel the pain radiating off him. Psychic pains cuts deep…it is truly awful. I would take it on myself, if only I could.
So we are left with a 21 year old young man who has lost his way and lost hope. My son was a good student, a varsity football player and the lead singer in a high school rock band. He never lacked for girlfriends. He is an accomplished jazz guitarist, was enrolled in a 5 yr BA/Master’s of Education program at a good college. He had many friends. One of his college philosophy professors, his advisor, told him he had more potential than just about any student he had ever taught, and also was one of the laziest. He has unlimited potential and no drive, unless something happens to inspire him, and then he is driven…until he loses interest. The psychiatrist says this is symptomatic of the ADD, which was diagnosed in High School with, but now refuses medication for that too. He has much to face and work through.
Somehow we need to move him, make him want his life back, get him involved in the fight. I guess I have always had a degree of faith. Not necessarily in “God”, but certainly a faith in life. I believe good things can happen and that we play a big part in making them happen. I am an optimist. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around my son’s views. A lot of it is the depression, but more than that, he has always been pessimist. He is drawn to the philosophy of Nietzsche who proclaimed “God is dead”. I think not.
I am thankful my son does not have a brain tumor or Leukemia. I am grateful that Grant and I have the financial resources and the marriage to be there for him. I am thankful that we have the education and awareness to understand. That we love each other and our children enough to know we will somehow push through walls, even these walls, to put him on the road to health. I will choose to believe in him, in the power of the human spirit to rise above adversity, and we will carry the torch of hope until our son can pick it back up and carry that for himself once again.
Dd Daily Meditation
I am not quite sure how to get into this, but our journey into Dd has been a very spiritual experience for me. I do not mean religious. I know there are a lot of Christian Dders out there, but I am not one of them. I am not a Christian, and I do not see my submission as a religious obligation. I do not feel that God “wants” Grant to lead or me to follow. I do not feel that we who practice Dd are somehow better than those who do not. I just know that the practice of Dd has enhanced my spiritual life. Grant believes the same for himself. I do feel, though, that there is a fundamental rightness to our marriage now, that follows the laws of human nature, and that reflects our core make up. Does it happen that Grant being more dominant is not connected with his masculinity, and my being more submissive is not connected with my femininity? I just do not know. I do not feel comfortable with saying all men must be dominant and all women must be submissive. I am not naturally a submissive out in the world, but just in relation to my husband, that is truly how we best fit. In the place where I am ME, a woman not a boss, feminine to his masculine, yin to his yang, I am the submissive partner. I do believe there is a fundamental ‘rightness’ to that for us.There are things that have occurred along the way that seem to help with learning that side of me, and enhancing my ability to fit seamlessly with Grant. The more submissive I become, the better we fit. Submissive does not mean mindless. For me it means all that I can do to enhance my place as a receptive and open partner. I work to remain receptive to Grant in every way possible. It is easy to close off. I was pretty much closed without knowing it for many years. I was angry with Grant and I felt disconnected, so I was sexually withdrawn. I had to be successful in the outside world, and so I learned to put up walls, to get tough, to be proactive rather than reactive. I exercised my more dominant or masculine side, and pushed down my more submissive or feminine side. I was a success in the work world and a failure in the marriage.
It took many years to realize what I and we lost in the race. When I began to see and to understand, and Grant and I began to rebuild our relationship, the first thing we agreed upon was the HoH model. Everything else flowed from there. Naturally my role was as the submissive partner. If you met Grant you would know that an HoH role fits him to a T…it just is him. That has been a blessing and a curse, quite frankly. He did not need to learn to lead. I, however, did need to learn to follow.
I have had ongoing discussions with a Dd friend about what we call “submission exercises”. For those of us who might need to exercise our submission to get it toned up and into shape, the idea makes sense. I, however, have never been quite able to wrap my mind around it. Maybe this is just my aversion to anything called exercise? Grant has not been into the idea of submission for submission’s sake. He wants me to do things that have meaning for him, or for me, but not just for the sake of submitting. There are lots of things he has asked me to do, and I find doing them can become not just doing them, but are also a submission ‘exercise’ in a way. The bigger things are “rules”, like never driving over 70 miles per hour. Then there are requests, like making the bed each day, unless I leave the house for work before Grant is up. He asked me to do this, but I doubt he would consider punishing me if I forgot. In six months I have never yet forgotten. Doing this small thing each day, keeping his request in mind, remembering to do the little things, have become almost a daily meditation for me. I bring him a coffee on Saturdays while he teaches, when I am there picking up our son. I wash his special coffee pot out in the morning before I go to work. I check to see he has clean towels in the bathroom. I am not so very domestic, and I do not try to do these things because I feel I owe it to him. I do them because they are little ways to keep my awareness of my husband, his needs, likes, in the forefront of my mind, and to show him my devotion. I want to please him. The lovely thing is he does so many little things for me too. Last winter I found he cleaned the snow off my windshield before he left to take our son to school. He will bring a rose for no special reason, or he will insist I sit while he serves dinner. He will make me wear a hat and gloves in the winter, which drives me bonkers, but is also very sweet. He takes care of me. As we have learned to think of each other, and to serve each other, the devotion grows. The more we each give away to each other, the more there seems to be between us.
I am so happy he does these things for me, but honestly, I do what I do because I want to. Learning to submit to him, and to the marriage, has been an important lesson. By putting him first I put us first, and in turn he takes care of me…he puts me first. Of course we are not selfless, but we do try to do our best to honor each other. I try to submit on a daily basis, in the little ways throughout my day. Every time I set the cruise control in the car on 70, or make the bed, or stop to make the phone call he asked me to, I try to consciously think…this is for him, and about us. I try to discipline myself to put him first before what I feel like doing in the moment. I work to make him and our marriage a priority. I think this like a mantra..it is my Dd daily meditation. I am not sure if I would have been able to develop the self discipline I need to do the things I should without that level of focus. I am still a work in progress, of course. I make mistakes, but I am getting better. As I keep saying, it is a lot of work, but worth it all!
I have found that I have slowly developed a mindfulness regarding by behaviors towards Grant and our marriage. I try to stay in the present rather than functioning without being thoughtful. It takes slowing down and thinking before I speak or act. I have not been so very good at that in the past. I tend to move fast through life. But I am learning, and see myself developing a greater capacity for awareness and thoughtfulness. So, when I can slow down, and developed a degree of mindfulness, there are multiple opportunities to practice submission each and every day. It seems each day there are a series of choices I make, some anticipated and some not, that allow me an opportunity to act, or speak, or do according to our agreements and reflecting our values.
Now the trick, of course is to remember this in the moment, and not get carried away by temper, stress, or frustration. Still growing at 50 is a wonderful thing!
Spanking and Domestic Discipline
I feel a need to clarify what it is that Grant and I do, what our marriage is like. Our Dd relationship is not about the spanking. It has grown away from that hugely. The spanking is there, punishment, disciplinary, erotic, but really spanking is just one of the many tools we use to connect, to keep our marriage on track with the dynamic of Grant being the Head of Household (HoH) and all that this means to us.
The spanking part of our relationship reflects the other aspects of our relationship. Grant is a benevolent dictator. I elected him when I married him, I did have the choice and I made it. It is a choice I made once and I do not revisit that. At least not anymore. I do not consider divorce an option. Maybe part of the reason for this is that we did that. We were married for 20 yrs and went through a divorce. If we learned nothing else it was that we truly need each other. We are part of each other and always will be. Accepting that, making a total commitment, has made a huge difference in our marriage. For all those years before, even when we married, there was the underlying idea that couples are together by choice, and that they can bail if they become unhappy, dissatisfied, if they grow apart. Maybe this will sound hopelessly old fashioned, but as a society I think we have taken the power out of marriage by making it a temporary state. Almost as many couples divorce as stay together for the long haul. Neither partner is going to give the same degree of emotional energy to something they can get out of should they decide to. In today’s version of marriage we go into it knowing there is a back door, and most couples live with that idea behind the scenes, should they need to use that door for a way out. I have discovered that the unconditional commitment to Grant, the final decision that we are together, in the same boat for the rest of our lives no matter what, has generated a power that was not there before. If we are truly together for life, what won’t I do to make the marriage as good as it can be? What won’t I give of myself to this man who I will go through the rest of my life with? There is no point in holding back when you partner is a life partner. There is a peace that comes from accepting that, and a spiritual connection that I did not understand until the full commitment was made.
That being said, two years ago Grant and I embarked on a journey into a Dd marriage that has changed everything. It has allowed us to find each other within the chaos of a busy world, jobs, kids, and modern life. It has allowed us to establish, nourish and tend a marital relationship that is based on love, and defined by commitment, and structured by discipline. The love we started with and it grows. The commitment took years to understand. As we matured the capacity for commitment deepened. The discipline part involves him disciplining me when my self discipline fails. I am trying still to improve and develop my self discipline. Grant imposing discipline often involves spanking as a consequence or punishment, but also spanking is a way to ritually demonstrate our roles, the relationship dynamic. Ritual is a powerful thing. Through the ritual of spanking, we maintain the dynamic, the structure and organization of our marriage. We regularly act out who we are in relation to each other. We go over the rules, the agreements, the hierarchy several times a week, if not literally then symbolically, by going through the physical actions. The ritual of maintenance spanking is the vehicle.This gets me to our less than wonderful maintenance spanking a few nights ago. First if all let me say I would never come on this blog and criticize my husband. That would be very disrespectful to him. It would also be disloyal. I wouldn’t do it, and as he reads here, he would pull the blog if I did. I will talk about my feelings, confusions, ideas, and occasionally I might poke at Grant in fun, but never seriously. If I am feeling upset with him I will vent to a Dd girlfriend who understands the dynamic. I will count on her to give me advise that helps me back to where I want to be with Grant, and who will not pull me towards negative, disrespectful or destructive thinking. If Grant has told me no to something I really want to do, a non Dd girlfriend will say “Yeah all husbands are jerks! Just go behind his back. ” A Dd girlfriend will say “I know you are upset, but you know Grant loves you and is doing this because he feels it is the right thing to do. You need to find a way to comply.” That support can make a big difference.
Anyway, I will criticize me on here, and I do think the problem with our maintenance session was me. I think due to stress and fatigue, I just was not able to get my head in the right place to accept the spanking, and Grant stepping things up made it more obvious. I actually resisted, which I very rarely do. I would never allow myself to literally fight him, but I put my hand back and he had to hold it, I was kicking and pulling away, and he had to pin my legs with his. I know some see ’staying in place’ as a obedience issue, but Grant never has. I work really hard to do that, and if I can’t he helps me, and I accept his help. It works for us. Still, I was disappointed with myself, and could not quite figure out why things went the way they did. Grant said later he felt I was fighting him from the very beginning. I feel bad about that, though he is not concerned.
We have talked, and I told Grant I was not sure if I can handle that level of intensity for maintenance. He said I will have to. My answer to that was immediately, OK. I trust him to know me, to protect us, and to lead us. If this is what he thinks I and we need, I am going to do my very best to cooperate. The next night he said, right before bed, that he wanted to find some time this weekend to talk about maintenance. We will work it through together. One of the wonderful things about our marriage is that we do talk. We collaborate and communicate. I have no doubt that Grant will listen to everything I have to say about how I feel and what I think, and then he will decide what he thinks is best for us to do. I will go along with whatever that is. The goal is unconditional acceptance. If you have a husband you love, you trust, and you respect…it works. Outside our marriage I call the shots, inside our marriage he does. It is perfect for us!
When A Spanking Does Not Work
If you have read my post on maintenance you know that for us it is a very connected emotional experience. Sometimes more intense, sometimes less, sometimes it can become a lessor punishment, sometimes erotic…whatever we need at the time. This time we just somehow missed the mark.
I know other people have dud spankings and less that fulfilling experiences. We cannot be the only ones for whom things just don’t work sometimes? It hurts to sit this morning and I just don’t have that feeling, I almost always do, of contentment or connection to Grant. I feel like I got spanked, and it hurts and what a waste that was! A sore bottom for no purpose is just a sore bottom after all! The odd thing is that usually there is no purpose to maintence but to connect, and to reaffirm our roles. Without the connection, the emotional process, it is just pain. I am really not into pain.
I was very tired yesterday, and upset because our son had a bad night the night before, and stressed for a change. Grant was tired too, but he was fine. He did everything right, tried to talk, to connect, to help me. And I found myself getting irritated with him and then mad. Nothing he said sounded right, and everything he did felt wrong. The nicer he got the more irritating I found it, and the longer and harder he spanked the more it just simply hurt! It was as if I just could not become emotionally available to engage in the process. We actually talked about it in the middle of the spanking and I asked if we could stop. He is never one to not finish a job he is set out to do, darn his determination! The answer was no, we would stop when he was done. I was done way before he was.
He wasn’t done for a long time, and for whatever reason, he has decided to not only step up the frequency of our sessions but the intensity too. I could not help feeling punished, but for no reason, and that almost made me cry in and of itself. We will have to talk. I was left feeling very sore last night, not resolved, and like every implement we have has to disappear. We need less ouchy stuff! I actually told him there is NOTHING in our arsenal that I ‘like’…it all really hurts! He said “Spankings are supposed to hurt!” “Can we please lose the cliches? Can you think of nothing original to say? Can you stop spanking so hard? …Whatever!”
So do I ask him to back off? Will he? Maybe 3 X a week, this hard, is too much for me? Is it? Am I just stressed and this is the result? I guess time will tell, and we will talk and figure it out together. Everything with our son is in a holding pattern until we see the doctor in a week. I have an exploratory MRI this morning that I totally would blow off, cancel, of I were not in a Dd marriage! I do not want to do this but Grant is insisting. I am nervous about it and do not like medical procedures at all! So he insists on taking me and I am sure it will be fine. Thank goodness the hour I have to spend motionless in the MRI machine this morning will be on my stomach!
The Rest Of The Sprayer Story
Grant and I have talked a few times this week about my mild but persistent discontent, my feeling vaguely irritated at him, unhappy with his exercise ultimatum, and just vaguely out of sorts. I tried to be careful to talk to him rather than to show him, but he still felt my mood. He doesn’t like it when I am out of sorts, and really, I like it even less.
Over time we have learned that spanking works in different ways for us, and at times different kinds of spanking seems to be called for. Part of me hates that! I don’t want a long hard spanking…ever! It hurts! We have learned it also works when nothing else will, to bring me back to myself. Sometimes it seems to almost ‘reboot’ my internal circuits. Darn it! I struggled all week and then gave in and admitted to him what he already knew, that I did still feel mad inside, and that I didn’t seem to be able to get past it. It had become increasingly uncomfortable for me to continue to war with myself. The internal argument needed to end. On Saturday Grant let me know we would do maintenance on Sunday evening, and on Sunday he told me to be ready at 7:30 PM.
That was when I started plotting to get him with the sprayer. I just seemed to need an outlet, and with nothing to lose, why not? I managed to time it right, and to make sure no one else was in the kitchen when he came up from watching football at 7:30. He was confused as to why I was not already in the bedroom waiting, as is the usual course of things. I shrugged and asked sweetly if he would mind getting me a glass of water. He said “Sure” and went to the sink, and then jumped and shouted “What the heck!” in a most satisfying way when the sprayer got him squarely in the stomach with cold water. He turned to me, demanding ”Who did this?” I just looked back at him, trying not to laugh…and said…”Um…uh…me!” He was taken aback, “You?” he asked. “Yep!” I nodded. He answered “You will pay for this, brat!” as he walked over and handed me the glass of water. I surprised him again by accepting it, and then immediately handing it back, saying “Thank you, Honey! I don’t really need this anymore.” “What do you mean?” he asked, confused. “Do you think I asked for water because I was actually thirsty!” I answered, and ran for the bedroom, Grant hot on my heels. A good friend has told me that the real challenge is to get him three times in 24 hours. But after last night I think it best not to push my luck!
The maintenance session was loving, long and hard and pushed me way past my limits. Sometimes it is just right, and works. It was one of those times. As difficult as it was, it left me feeling more settled and secure than I have in a while. I am not sitting comfortably today, but inside I feel much better. I do not know how Grant deals with what he has to do to be the spanker. I don’t think I would be able to do that. I have trouble being tough. He just gets it, somehow, that it truly helps me, and that makes it work for him, and for us. I guess that is what makes him the “Top”?
He also told me he thinks we should increase our maintenance session frequency from two to three times a week for a while. I agreed. It is better to preemptively deal with the stress we know will come than try to recover after the problems hit. Things are better now, but in two weeks we have to get our son to his first psychiatrist appointment, and there are still many issues with not only his Mom, but also my Dad now, as well. So many of us in our generation are caught between the older teens and the aging parents. Grant and I are determined to not have our marriage suffer. It is so wonderful to be on the same page with that. It helped to hear Grant tell me what I already knew, that our marriage is his number one concern. That I and our kids are first, before anyone or anything else, and always will be. It is something I do know. I was unaware that I needed to hear the words, but when he spoke them I felt myself relax immediately. I guess I needed the reassurance, and for him to talk about our boundaries, and reestablish our marital territory, in the midst of a lot of emotional chaos coming from the outside. Being clear on our priorities makes a huge difference, and I know with US in tact we can handle whatever comes.
There was also the warning factor of the spanking that was never spoken, but the message communicated just the same. Grant is clearly done with the exercise issue. I get that completely. He demonstrated a warning of the consequences last night without once even mentioning the issue. The spanking was in no way punitive, but I am fully convinced that I really do not want to go there! Tonight, when I was getting ready for bed, I suddenly remembered I had not finished the core exercises. I changed into my pajamas and just simply did them. No internal fuss. It would be nice if my reasons were lofty, but that would not be the truth. I did them, now without a debate in my head, not because I am wanting to be cooperative (I am), not because it is the right thing to do (it is), but moreover because I know I do not want the kind of punishment that I will receive by not doing them! Whatever works, I guess.
Sprayers and Spankings
Admittedly, I am a practical joke newbie. I really do try though! I decided to do the sprayer thing to Grant. See Cassie’s Space for the details if you are unfamiliar with what the sprayer thing is.
Saturday Grant teaches all day and while he was out I had the chance to think things through and decided some brattiness was indeed called for. I tried to set up the sprayer with a rubber band, but that failed. It just would not get tight enough to hold. I then tried duct tape because duct tape is the miracle cure! Not for sprayers apparently! Finally I rolled a tiny piece of duct tape onto a small tube and wedged it in so the sprayer was held ‘open’. When my husband returned from work, he cooperatively went right to the sink, and ran the water into his empty coffee cup to rinse it out! The sprayer spurted and died, he jiggled it, missing the set up entirely, and still clueless, went to take a nap! How anti-climactic and disappointing that was!
So, today is another day. I refuse to accept failure! Grant has spent the afternoon with his brother in our barn sorting through stored stuff…and doing what ever he does out there. I was left to rethink and revise my plans. After some contemplation I managed to take a wood match stick, and cut it down to maybe a 1/3 of an inch in length. During the trial run it held the sprayer open firmly enough to create a good strong spray which, when pointed correctly, should hit him squarely in the stomach. I am aiming for this evening when he is in his pajamas. If I have to, if all else fails, I will ask him sweetly to bring me a glass of water! I have also baked a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread to take the edge off…just in case. Grant is generally not a practical joke fan, but how can he be too mad at the gal who baked him homemade bread, from the real Halloween pumpkin, no less?
Why would I do this to my wonderful man? Because I feel like I want to. For unknown reasons I want to poke at him, push his buttons, do something…and cannot bring myself to create any serious havoc. And because I am already getting a spanking tonight, likely a pretty big one, so what the heck…might as well make it for something…get some mileage out of this right? I have trouble being ‘bad’. I have too much of a guilt complex, and hold myself pretty tightly in check. It is a problem, really! I am not sure it is good for me to be so well behaved all the time. It can make a gal uptight and cranky, to say the least. Maybe I should consider this sprayer escapade my brat therapy?
Grant and I both realize I am off my game. I am edgy. There are so many big things hanging over both of us right now. The whole exercise thing, which I now admit is likely just something relatively safe to fixate on, has left me really wanting to push the envelope…to misbehave. I have not allowed myself to, but instead have just talked honestly to Grant about the feelings. Still, I am unable to get myself past feeling unsettled and uncomfortable. He thinks a major attitude adjustment is just the ticket to restore my mental health and our martial harmony. We are not truly unharmonious, because neither of us has allowed that to happen, but we are not quite in sync either. I think it is because he is a little distracted and I am over all worried.
I am just not in a submissive mind set either. It is hard feeling un-submissive once you find your rhythm with feeling more submissive. It is no longer a good fit to feel oppositional, think of sarcastic quips, be argumentative, even if just quietly in your own head. I have worked hard to not act it out this week, but I feel like that inside. A year ago I likely would have just done something to create a blow up, even unintentionally, and earned a punishment, and we would resolve it that way. I try very hard not to do that anymore. I still slip, but I try. So I have let Grant know what was in my mind, and last night I tried to explain how tied up inside I feel, and some of the reasons why.
Being the good guy he is, and now having the tools of Dd, which happen to include implements, he is going to “help me with this” tonight. I guess we will work that though together later. Butt…he is getting wet first!
