Spanking and Domestic Discipline

I feel a need to clarify what it is that Grant and I do, what our marriage is like. Our Dd relationship is not about the spanking. It has grown away from that hugely. The spanking is there, punishment, disciplinary, erotic, but really spanking is just one of the many tools we use to connect, to keep our marriage on track with the dynamic of Grant being the Head of Household (HoH) and all that this means to us.

The spanking part of our relationship reflects the other aspects of our relationship. Grant is a benevolent dictator. I elected him when I married him, I did have the choice and I made it. It is a choice I made once and I do not revisit that. At least not anymore. I do not consider divorce an option. Maybe part of the reason for this is that we did that. We were married for 20 yrs and went through a divorce. If we learned nothing else it was that we truly need each other. We are part of each other and always will be. Accepting that, making a total commitment, has made a huge difference in our marriage. For all those years before, even when we married, there was the underlying idea that couples are together by choice, and that they can bail if they become unhappy, dissatisfied, if they grow apart. Maybe this will sound hopelessly old fashioned, but as a society I think we have taken the power out of marriage by making it a temporary state. Almost as many couples divorce as stay together for the long haul. Neither partner is going to give the same degree of emotional energy to something they can get out of should they decide to. In today’s version of marriage we go into it knowing there is a back door, and most couples live with that idea behind the scenes, should they need to use that door for a way out. I have discovered that the unconditional commitment to Grant, the final decision that we are together, in the same boat for the rest of our lives no matter what, has generated a power that was not there before. If we are truly together for life, what won’t I do to make the marriage as good as it can be? What won’t I give of myself to this man who I will go through the rest of my life with? There is no point in holding back when you partner is a life partner. There is a peace that comes from accepting that, and a spiritual connection that I did not understand until the full commitment was made.

That being said, two years ago Grant and I embarked on a journey into a Dd marriage that has changed everything. It has allowed us to find each other within the chaos of a busy world, jobs, kids, and modern life. It has allowed us to establish, nourish and tend a marital relationship that is based on love, and defined by commitment, and structured by discipline. The love we started with and it grows. The commitment took years to understand. As we matured the capacity for commitment deepened. The discipline part involves him disciplining me when my self discipline fails. I am trying still to improve and develop my self discipline.  Grant imposing discipline often involves spanking as a consequence or punishment, but also spanking is a way to ritually demonstrate our roles, the relationship dynamic. Ritual is a powerful thing. Through the ritual of spanking, we maintain the dynamic, the structure and organization of our marriage. We regularly act out who we are in relation to each other. We go over the rules, the agreements, the hierarchy several times a week, if not literally then symbolically,  by going through the physical actions. The ritual of maintenance spanking is the vehicle.This gets me to our less than wonderful maintenance spanking a few nights ago. First if all let me say I would never come on this blog and criticize my husband. That would be very disrespectful to him. It would also be disloyal. I wouldn’t do it, and as he reads here, he would pull the blog if I did.  I will talk about my feelings, confusions, ideas, and occasionally I might poke at Grant in fun, but never seriously. If I am feeling upset with him I will vent to a Dd girlfriend who understands the dynamic. I will count on her to give me advise that helps me back to where I want to be with Grant, and who will not pull me towards negative, disrespectful or destructive thinking. If Grant has told me no to something I really want to do, a non Dd girlfriend will say “Yeah all husbands are jerks!  Just go behind his back. ” A Dd girlfriend will say “I know you are upset, but you know Grant loves you and is doing this because he feels it is the right thing to do. You need to find a way to comply.” That support can make a big difference.

Anyway, I will criticize me on here, and I do think the problem with our maintenance session was me. I think due to stress and fatigue, I just was not able to get my head in the right place to accept the spanking, and Grant stepping things up made it more obvious. I actually resisted, which I very rarely do. I would never allow myself to literally fight him, but I put my hand back and he had to hold it, I was kicking and pulling away, and he had to pin my legs with his. I know some see ‘staying in place’ as a obedience issue, but Grant never has. I work really hard to do that, and if I can’t he helps me, and I accept his help. It works for us. Still, I was disappointed with myself, and could not quite figure out why things went the way they did. Grant said later he felt I was fighting him from the very beginning. I feel bad about that, though he is not concerned.

We have talked, and I told Grant I was not sure if I can handle that level of intensity for maintenance. He said I will have to. My answer to that was immediately, OK. I trust him to know me, to protect us, and to lead us. If this is what he thinks I and we need, I am going to do my very best to cooperate. The next night he said, right before bed, that he wanted to find some time this weekend to talk about maintenance. We will work it through together. One of the wonderful things about our marriage is that we do talk. We collaborate and communicate. I have no doubt that Grant will listen to everything I have to say about how I feel and what I think, and then he will decide what he thinks is best for us to do. I will go along with whatever that is. The goal is unconditional acceptance. If you have a husband you love, you trust, and you respect…it works. Outside our marriage I call the shots, inside our marriage he does. It is perfect for us!


9 thoughts on “Spanking and Domestic Discipline

  1. Well. As long as it works for both of you, there are really is no problem.
    The acceptance, and what you each bring to your relationship, ultimately is
    your choice.

    There is no reason for anyone to question what is right, or wrong.

    Spanking, of course, is only one aspect. If you hold respect for each other, and
    at times find yourself with a rosy bottom, maybe that’s what keeps your relationship
    all the stronger.

    The fact that you say your husband & you collaborate & communicate is telling, and a
    key to what makes your relationship work.

    ~~~Thank you, for posting this. It is needful & informative…

    (the “rosy bottom” comment, was in, know. But, it does, signal understanding
    and that’s what your post has done in regard to my reading of it.)


  2. Thanks, Sara. Great description of how it works for you. Cooperation is expected and given here, too. There are many things that we just would never do to each other dd or not. I mean I might be a prankster, but I have never called him a name… that kind of thing.

    Also, on friends – I have a longtime friend that I just love to pieces. I’ve learned a lot from her over the years, but she would be the first to say, “So, what’s he going to do about it.”

    On the other hand I have a friend that is not in a dd relationship, but knows I am and both she and her children (having been around us to see the dynamic – not the discipline aspect) respond in a way respectful of both Paul and I – and ultimately more helpful. Love your blog – so glad to find you! Lilly

  3. Will, maybe this was a look into a kind of relationship that is new to you? I am glad you found it “needful & informative”, and very much appreciate the comment!

    Lilly, I also have a non Dd friend who is respectful to her husband, and also very respectful of how my marriage works, without knowing the details. Living this way has made me so much more aware of the respect factor in other’s marriages. Something I never gave a whole lot of thought to pre-Dd. Maybe we are more influenced by whom we surround ourselves with than we like to think?

    My best, Sara

  4. Perhaps we do, Sara. I know I’ve been sad and even upset when I became aware of it as disrespect in this friend’s relationship. I mean – they obviously have their own definitions and comfort levels, but I don’t engage in certain types of conversation or participate in general husband “teasing”. Thanks for giving me something to think about again today! Lilly

  5. Dear Sara,

    I think you explain very clearly, and with great insight, the dynamics between us. Although I would rather be referred to as King instead of Dictator.



  6. I’m glad to see Grant has a sense of humour! Although our Queen is only a figurehead and has no real power; The Government has it all. So maybe Prime Minister might be more appropriate!

    Thank you, Sara, for explaining. As the others have said, whatever works for you is right for you. I agree that marriage is seen as having an easy way out, a back door of divorce available when the going gets rough.

  7. It is my belief that my marriage would never have failed if we had established a Spencer plan early in the marriage. We both had faults and short tempers which led to constant arguing followed by long periods of silence. Knowing well what a spanking was like when we were children., a real old fashioned whipping cleared the air quickly and those particular misdoings were never repeated, spankings between married couples would prevent many divorces.

  8. stumbled across this site. I know for one that I would love to find strict older sis or aunt figure to spank me as needed until I finish the next 2 years of college.

  9. I also believe DD is much more that the spanking part. The are many methods of punishments, corner time, losing privileges, early bed time etc… that can be used as punishments instead of the spanking. Punishment is only one small part about DD. DD is about accepting our husband’s authority over us with love and grace.
    DD is about living to the fullest, leaving any small issue to the side instead of fighting over it. Allowing my husband to guide me brings to me and my family security and balance.

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