One if the many upsides to Dd is that my husband can protect me. I have allowed, and he has taken, the responsibility of my welfare to rest on his shoulders. This is surely a mixed bag, but right now, in this moment feels like a relief. Actually it mostly has felt like a relief once I accepted the boundaries and allowed myself to stop fighting it. Metaphorically and literally, when he constructs walls to protect me, those same walls also bind me. They can and do, get in the way of me doing what I might otherwise, or would prefer at times, and yet he has patiently and not so patiently explained that he cannot keep me safe if I refuse to stay within the walls, thus refusing his protection. Men have a fundamental need to protect their own. I love feeling like I am his to protect.
It all seems so old fashioned, archaic even, when written out like that. I must admit, though, it also strikes a chord in me. It is emotionally satisfying even if frustrating at times. I do feel loved and safe. Am I so very different from most women out there? I am not entirely sure, but I suspect not. I think I just opened myself to a natural part of me that was buried.
I understand why romance novels appeal. The heroine is impetuous, proud, feisty, and will not accept limits. She meets a Prince, or Laird, or just a guy, who feels a primal need to protect her, in spite of herself, before he even realizes that he loves her. You can write that 12 ways and be a best selling author. Why is that?
Who reads this stuff?
“By the 2000s, romance had become the most popular genre in modern literature. In 2004, romantic fiction generated $1.2 billion in sales, with 2,285 romance novels published. Almost 55% of all paperback books sold in 2004 were romance novels… Twenty-two percent of romance readers identified themselves as male, and the romance readers were split evenly between people who were married and those who were single… forty-two percent of them have at least a bachelor’s degree.”
And why are we reading it?
“While not fully rehabilitating the genre’s reputation, scholars …have looked at the genre in a broader social context, as other scholars have done with soap operas, western novels, science fiction, and other popular entertainment. These studies have contributed to defenses of the genre, such as fans’ argument that the perceived stigma is due to the fact that romance is the only genre “written almost exclusively by women for women.” Others have recharacterized the romance’s fundamental story in ways that positively frame the genre. Romance novelist Jennifer Crusie counters that in the modern romance novel “a woman is rewarded with unconditional love [only] if she remains true to herself”, while novelist Susan Elizabeth Phillips believes that romance novels are popular because the heroine always wins, sometimes overcoming great odds so that she is no longer a victim…Best selling author Nora Roberts sums up the genre, saying “The books are about the celebration of falling in love and emotion and commitment, and all of those things we really want.”(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_novel)
I have an expanded theory. It relates to Dd, of course. Apparently the genre grew out of the Gothic novels of the 1800’s, and really came into being in the 1920’s and took shape through the 1930’s. Is it coincidence that women got the vote in 1920? Women’s roles in the 20’s and 30’s changed hugely. The flappers voted, cut their hair, smoked and drank. By the 30’s the great depression forced women out of their homes and to work. As women, our worlds radically changed.
So much was gained. Who would ever want to go back? Not me! But I do think we left parts of ourselves behind. We stepped outside the castle walls and lost the protection of our Prince. Most of us today do not even have the option to go back to being that housewife who baked pies and lived under her man’s protection. There are mortgages to pay, a world that demands our independence on many levels. And yet, there are more romance novels sold and read than ever…and we are mostly women, and “42% have at least a B.A.”!
We can satisfy those primal feminine needs, and vicariously experience them being met, through immersion in the fantasy world of the Romance Novel. Once you get hooked, you read them over and over, variations on the theme. There is a self soothing quality to the experience. Romance readers tend to need to get their fix!
Maybe those of us who choose to enter into Domestic Discipline marriages take this all one step further. We chose to not only fantasize about it but to live it. It is a difficult thing to grapple with, the blend of the old and the new, being a liberated educated woman in 2007, and yet under the authority of a husband who does exercise that authority in a myriad of ways.
This is one of the many reasons I have said that Dd is not necessarily about spanking. While almost all Dd couples do use that as one tool, it truly is not about the spanking. Most other kinds of spanking relationships are about the spanking. I think Dd is about authority, the marriage dynamic, and in a way the romance of the union…underneath it all.
So all of this came out of my husband making a few decisions for me last night regarding where I spend my time and with whom I associate. I am a little surprised that I can appreciate the boundaries, and find relief in the security of his protection. His focus on what is good for me, and thus for us, is steady, and solid. I am so glad I have that in my life…and him! (the “King” )
Oh Sara, I so much enjoy your intellectual musings on DD relationships! One thing i’d like to add from my own experience: I find that Krishna is a much better judge of character than I am. When he suggests that I not continue interaction with certain people, I listen to him. This can be understood as his authority over me. I interpret it as him looking after me, with a better sense of judgement. I struggled with this, of course. But now that I see this strength of his, I am releaved to have the protection. It helps me sort through the troubled interactions with others.
Peace, Radha
Wow. What interesting statistics. Twenty-two percent of romance readers are male? That surprises me. And forty-two percent of romance readers have bachelor’s degrees? I wonder how that matches up with the overall statistics of how many women have bachelor’s degrees? I heard some statistics before and I can’t quite recall… but I don’t think that it was as high as 42%.
I have to admit that I’ve always been a snob about romance novels… I was challenged on my opinion once, and so I actually read one just so that I could earn my right to criticize them. Part of my reasoning I think is pretty solid… Romance novels and all other “commercial” literature tends to be poorly edited and therefore appears to be lower quality. This is of no fault of the authors – I think it has more to do with publishing companies rushing books to print and therefore not allowing enough time for polishing.
But I admit, a large part of it is the reputation, and the reputation that I’d have if I were seen reading them… I want things both ways. I want to be independent and all of those things, and I also want the “romance” of DD and being protected and all that… Which is why most of the things I manage to get into trouble for are failing to follow health and safety rules.
The statistics are really interesting though, and I’d be interested in reading a study of the readership trends and what this tells us about our culture. I mostly understand what women get out of it, but I’d be really interested in knowing why men read romance novels.
Rahda, that makes sense. I think Grant is a better judge than I am also. I am too optimistic I suppose, and want to think highly of everyone, which is not realistic. Relying on his strength is a relief to me too.
Rose, I had the exact same opinion of romance novels as you did…but somehow in my forties I changed. Of course I would never let RL friends know I read them! I have found some truly awful ones, and some good ones too…a lot of variance in the genre. I agree, though, whether you read them or not, the stats are interesting!
As to why guys might read them…not a clue!
This is an excellent piece you’ve shared with us here, AND, you’ve found a way to actually see Grant as your ‘King’ as was his prior request!!!! LOL
I completely agree with your assessments; I’ve felt since the beginning of this journey that the urges I had to explore my more submissive spirit were simply primal. I’ve always had a sense of that part of me, but like you, I’d buried it; I’d pushed it away.
I truly believe that ALL WOMEN have these needs at some level or another- and if placed into the right circumstances, I think they would be open to exploration. If they only knew how freeing this way of living and loving your partner can be….
I agree that Romance novels are wonderful, but they would be so much yummier with a spanking or two interlaced here and there, don’t ya’ think????
I am really moved by your well thought piece. It is necessary to find the historic links of development of various philosophies and I think you hit it right.
Also, thank you for taking the time to write. It is really good to read it.
)
Radha said,
November 26, 2007 at 11:48 am
Oh Sara, I so much enjoy your intellectual musings on DD relationships! One thing i’d like to add from my own experience: I find that Krishna is a much better judge of character than I am. When he suggests that I not continue interaction with certain people, I listen to him. This can be understood as his authority over me. I interpret it as him looking after me, with a better sense of judgement. I struggled with this, of course. But now that I see this strength of his, I am releaved to have the protection. It helps me sort through the troubled interactions with others.
Peace, Radha
Rose said,
November 26, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Wow. What interesting statistics. Twenty-two percent of romance readers are male? That surprises me. And forty-two percent of romance readers have bachelor’s degrees? I wonder how that matches up with the overall statistics of how many women have bachelor’s degrees? I heard some statistics before and I can’t quite recall… but I don’t think that it was as high as 42%.
I have to admit that I’ve always been a snob about romance novels… I was challenged on my opinion once, and so I actually read one just so that I could earn my right to criticize them. Part of my reasoning I think is pretty solid… Romance novels and all other “commercial” literature tends to be poorly edited and therefore appears to be lower quality. This is of no fault of the authors – I think it has more to do with publishing companies rushing books to print and therefore not allowing enough time for polishing.
But I admit, a large part of it is the reputation, and the reputation that I’d have if I were seen reading them… I want things both ways. I want to be independent and all of those things, and I also want the “romance” of DD and being protected and all that… Which is why most of the things I manage to get into trouble for are failing to follow health and safety rules.
The statistics are really interesting though, and I’d be interested in reading a study of the readership trends and what this tells us about our culture. I mostly understand what women get out of it, but I’d be really interested in knowing why men read romance novels.
Sara said,
November 26, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Rahda, that makes sense. I think Grant is a better judge than I am also. I am too optimistic I suppose, and want to think highly of everyone, which is not realistic. Relying on his strength is a relief to me too.
Rose, I had the exact same opinion of romance novels as you did…but somehow in my forties I changed. Of course I would never let RL friends know I read them!
I have found some truly awful ones, and some good ones too…a lot of variance in the genre. I agree, though, whether you read them or not, the stats are interesting!
As to why guys might read them…not a clue!
Sara
Katie said,
November 26, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Sara:
This is an excellent piece you’ve shared with us here, AND, you’ve found a way to actually see Grant as your ‘King’ as was his prior request!!!! LOL
I completely agree with your assessments; I’ve felt since the beginning of this journey that the urges I had to explore my more submissive spirit were simply primal. I’ve always had a sense of that part of me, but like you, I’d buried it; I’d pushed it away.
I truly believe that ALL WOMEN have these needs at some level or another- and if placed into the right circumstances, I think they would be open to exploration. If they only knew how freeing this way of living and loving your partner can be….
I agree that Romance novels are wonderful, but they would be so much yummier with a spanking or two interlaced here and there, don’t ya’ think????
Great article Sara!! Katie
Grant said,
November 27, 2007 at 12:42 am
Dear Sara,
I am really moved by your well thought piece. It is necessary to find the historic links of development of various philosophies and I think you hit it right.
Also, thank you for taking the time to write. It is really good to read it.
Love,
G