What Is Your Sign?
Christmas Stress – Part 2
Christmas Stress – Part 1
On My Bottom Smarts Bonnie asked what are we doing to keep Christmas sane. Actually she asks about romance and passion, but this year I will settle for sane. Christmas…tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I feel generally unprepared. In fact, the day before I am feeling downright anxious. What is it about Christmas that brings out the nut in me? I have had no reality to measure my fantasies against. Growing up Jewish I only knew the image created by the media. I watched from the outside looking in and imagined what it might be like. The reality did not exist in my realm of experience. Yesterday I was telling my daughter that behind the scenes Moms tend to stress at Christmas. There is the issue of getting the perfect gifts, that things are more or less ‘even’ both in terms of money spent and number of gifts for the kids. The haul must be not too much to be over done, not too scanty to be a disappointment. I must be sure every one is happy, and feels loved. She responded you are awfully particular about “this Christmas thing” for a Jew! So what is “this Christmas thing”? I think it is me finding a way to tie up my role in the family with a brightly colored bow, and present it with flair. It is never good enough…I am never good enough. Why do I do this? Grant thinks I am out of my mind. He has tried to reign me in since he had the power, since we began Dd, with a budget, a list, and often going shopping with me. Last year it helped. I hate to admit that because the whole experience was in some ways less than pleasant. It had it’s nice moments though. He scheduled three shopping dates with me between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We made them fun…sort of. We went out to lunch and shopped, and by the end of the day I got grumpy, he growled, and I swore I would never do that again! He is not a big fan if shopping and I am not a big fan of trying to shop with a man looking over my shoulder saying “He doesn’t need that” “That is too expensive” “She won’t like that”. How much more aggravating could it get? I got swatted both in the middle of Staples and in the parking lot in front of Borders! How much more public can it get? I convinced myself people would think he was fooling around. He was not! So this year I am back on my own. Not by intent, but it happened. He told me to stick to the same budget as last year and that was it. Grant has a huge work project that culminates today. Tonight he wants to start wrapping gifts, the day before Christmas eve! Grant is a guy who makes a traditional Christmas Eve Day trek to the mall to shop. This makes me crazy! I needed to be wrapped by yesterday, and I am not. Today while he is out I will go through the gifts, sort, list, stress more, and start to wrap….and it is way too late for sanity. I know this and he has no clue. Two days ago I mentioned that I had no idea what I really had for the kids, that there is a huge pile, that I feel it is not enough, and that things are arriving in the mail that I forgot I even ordered. He was surprised and asked “Well don’t you have a list?”. Nope! He looked stunned but was smart enough to say nothing. He did not ask me to make a list this year! I do not do lists well. I am not very organized, and I have Christmas anxiety. Put those things together and here I am! He really has nothing to say. He did not ask for a list. He did tell me to save receipts and I did. He might remember to add them up, but I haven’t and likely won’t. I think we are under budget, but frankly I hardly care at this point. It is Christmas and he has already waved the budget for our older son with a specific gift request, and then decided books don’t count, so I bought many many books, especially for our daughter…and he left me on my own. On my own I do this the way I always have…my way. It works, it always has, but it is very stressful and no doubt we will be doing the Christmas Eve wrappings session again this year! Something we had hoped to avoid. Here’s the problem. I know Christmas is not supposed to be about material things. I actually, because of the budget, spend less than I used to and less than I would. For us Christmas has no religious content either. Neither of us is a Christian. Grant grew up Catholic but is not that anymore. I am Jewish…a secular Jew. We celebrate Christmas because it was the tradition Grant grew up with, because it was one I wanted to be part of, because for us it is a special family time to gather, break bread, enjoy and share. But there is still the matter of the gifts, the fantasy of the perfect Christmas that I never experienced until I was married. I think it is actually about the feeling I have that this is now my event, a major annual production for the family that I somehow feel is my responsibility to pull off. It is up to me to decorate, to create the atmosphere, to find out what the kids want, to buy those gifts, to make sure the Christmas Eve and Day schedules and meals are set. Grant helps, and in fact I am fortunate that Grant cooks, but he needs to know what I want. This is my show, and it has to be perfect, and it certainly will not be. Not this year. I know for a fact I care about all of this more than any of the rest of them. Grant just wants a warm and peaceful family time…oh and he wants a clean organized house. How can one have a clean organized house in the midst of creating this kind of major production? The kids enjoy it, but they are very reasonable about what they expect. Even they feel I over do it with the gifts, the worry, the stress! Wow, I had not planned to admit all this, but there it is, neuroses and all! I know I am not alone. I have talked to friends who feel almost as whacked out as I do. So what am I going to do about it? Well last night Grant asked me to go out with him for a drink tonight. I am going to get off the computer and get moving. Clean and organize my house, sort my gifts, start wrapping. I am going to figure out what I have, what I need and possibly make a run to the bedlam they call “a mall” before Christmas. Then I am going to change and meet my husband for a drink. If I am sane it is all good. If I am not I will lay out a paddle on the bed before I leave so he can beat some sanity into my head by means of a commonly used circuitous route before the Holiday dawns!
OK, and just to add to the fun, somehow wordpress will not let me keep the paragraphs when I post…so there you have it…one looong run on Holiday rant!
Implement Shopping
To buy or not to buy? That is the question! For the last 2 years I have gifted Grant with a new implement on Christmas eve, along with a few other fun items, rather personal in nature. I have no such plans for this year.
I thought I was done. I am not an implement glutton, and we have enough…sort of? I thought so, until I saw this hairbrush paddle on Spanking Bethie.
One would think the memory of this big, huge, and often regretted mistake would help me decide not to order anything ever again. But somehow the opposite is true. I had decided not to get another implement this year, before I read this, and answered Bethie’s query. But now I begin to think that I should not break our special tradition!
So what should I get? Our not huge collection includes a hairbrush, two leather straps, one small and one hefty, an assortment of olive wood spoons , a Roseblush paddle, a Satinwood cocobola paddle 3/8″ thick, and the Hairbrush Paddle that Bethie is lusting after.
So what could be missing? Any suggestions?
What is Healthy?
One of the things we spankos, Dders, alternative lifestyles practitioners, tend to think about it what is and isn’t healthy. Are we normal? Do we fit in? Should we venture further into this thing that we do, or retreat and either hide, or seek treatment? I am sure the answer is different for each of us, but I do know my eyes have been opened since being more exposed.
I have always felt that homosexually was not unhealthy, that sexual fetishes were just fetishes…of course I did not have any 
, but still they were theoretically ok when a patient did. I would reassure them. I would work to help them to accept themselves, to come to terms with who they were, apart from whatever sexual interest or orientation they might have. Therapists have to learn to see through what is on the surface to identify basic health, under apparent every day neurosis. It can be tricky, because two people can present much the same, but one is fundamentally healthy underneath and another fundamentally unstable. Learning to know this makes all the difference in being able to diagnose and then help them. Any good therapist goes by the standard rules, but also develops an intuitive diagnostic ability. That ability, developing the gut sense, determines whether you are a therapist with just book knowledge or one who practices the art of healing.
I think this gut sense has helped me in negotiating the wild and wacky world of Internet kink. When I typed in spanking I had no idea what I would find. I have spent over two years on several forums and reading blogs. At first, truthfully, I was very turned off by things unfamiliar to me. After all, this was not a patient I was reading for, but myself. I could allow myself to be more judgmental. I learned from the inside, about D/s, BDSM, M/s, polyamory, parties, and players. Not that I have any sort of expertise in any, but reading blogs and posts, you do read from the inside what people are thinking and feeling, get a sense of their perspectives.
What has become apparent, after the dust of the newness settled, is that people are just people. I know at first I tried to stay open to things that seemed offensive to me, or wrong, or too kinky (whatever that is)? Too far out of my comfort zone, for me, anyway. On forums there is somewhat of a culture of ‘anything goes’. It is uncool to draw lines, to make judgements, to sound critical about what someone else does. I don’t think I tend to be judgmental in general, but when there are no judgements made, then there are no standards. And not everythingis ok, you know? I think there are things that are unhealthy. There are people who hurt themselves and others, and when you look carefully this is separate from any kink or lifestyle they might be engaging in.
I am not talking about pain or masochism. You can argue endlessly whether it is healthy, but in my opinion, if partners engage willingly as adults, we need to respectfully leave it be. I am talking about the emotional quality of relationships. That is where you see the pathology that truly hurts. You learn who people really are, their essential character and make up through how they handle their closest friends and family, their marriage. How they deal with conflicts and upset, how they resolve the relationship glitches. If they tell lies to their partner, if they betray friends, if they attack rather than resolve when there are arguments, the issue is one of character flaw. If you are mentally unstable, conduct yourself in a way that hurts those around you, you will simply bring this into your world of kink.
When I read the blogs at first, when I first joined a forum, I was exposed to so many new things. It took a while to see what is underneath the words. Underneath it all, is people being people. I think character and mental health likely reflect the typical community. It is somewhat rare, but can be found. I guess the bottom line is we need to look deep, and stick to our standards. Mine do not have to do with lifestyle choices, but standards for integrity and health.
Spanking Sickness
I am so very lucky to have the marriage I do, the relationship we have developed over the past 20 yrs and the past two especially. I know this and I treasure it. I also still get shaken when it goes awry. There has been so much stress in the past few months, and more than that in the past few weeks leading up to getting our son to the doctor, Grant’s Mom being in the hospital for a long while and having surgery this week, my Dad having senior issues, the Holidays, and Grant finishing his teaching semester yesterday with another big project culminating next Friday. It has been busier than busy, and very stressful.
It feels almost like I lost my sea legs, and now the boat is a bit rocky and I am sea sick…or maybe it is spanking sickness? A new kind of malady? Our boat used to be rocky and I developed sea legs over the years. I barely felt the constant rolling beneath us. I was so used to the pitches and rolls that only when there was a more major storm did I feel the waves. Real calm was not expected, and almost felt unusual. Now that we have been solid for over two years, I am more sensitized to feel the slightest pitch. Our boat has been in dry dock. I am used to the stability and calm. I am also a Libra and so balance is ultra important to me. I do brave the storms. Storms will happen after all, but ongoing undercurrents are harder somehow. I don’t feel centered.
This week Grant and I had a Dd disconnect. I sort of don’t even want to talk about it, but these things do happen to all of us, and I think it is important to be real about that. He has been distracted and absorbed elsewhere, at least it has sure felt like that to me. I have been emotionally needy, and I so hate to feel needy! It makes me angry. He is so good at responding to me, and I to him, that the needs are not so often left hanging out there anymore. When they are, I feel exposed.
We also managed maintenance only once last week, and once this week again…I am waaay overdue. Grant is usually very consistent and regular, so this stands out as a big deal to me. And this is so the wrong time to mess with our routines, when I am already stressed! What happened is it started me on a downward spiral. I began to feel like maybe I should not have these needs, maybe he does not really want to meet them, to take care of me. Maybe the needs are more mine than his, so I should feel guilty for them…maybe, maybe. He did a few things that got me upset along the way, put off maintenance a few times, left me to stew on all this alone…add in a hefty dose of menopausal hormones…and there you have a recipe for major trouble!
We have had a few small disagreements, which culminated with a larger one on Thursday night. I spent all of Friday fuming and not speaking to him. Of course he did not know I was not talking to him because he was working all day Friday, but I knew! I was so very upset, and totally and completely sure it was all his fault! I had a list of his transgressions in my mind. I had all day Friday to count them up, after all!
We talked most of it out last night, and when I explained my anxieties…”I should not have these needs, maybe he does not really want to meet them, to take care of me. Maybe the needs are more mine than his” the man looked at me like I had grown three heads. He wanted to know how I got all of that out of not scheduling to go Christmas shopping with me, missing a maintenance, and being distracted and getting a cold. Well geesh, isn’t that obvious? So like a man to not understand!
So…he has again scheduled maintenance for this afternoon. We’ll see. There is part of me that wants to say “Too late!” Not that it would matter what I say, and in fact he has told me he wants me to say nothing…there will be no talking. I guess maybe he heard quite enough last night? What this all means is that my walls are up, again. He has left me alone for too long and now I feel vulnerable, angry and resistant. And I really, really do not want to feel this way!
Staying open, in a submissive frame of mind, takes staying in sync, connected. I can brave being off kilter for a while but then we either reconnect or I crash! I think the crash happened, and now we just need to pick up the pieces. I could allow myself to rant and rave, or let him bring me back to me.
I also woke up realizing I was very hormonal. PMS is bad enough. A peri- menopausal women with PMS can be scary! So maybe not everything is his fault…just maybe. Maybe this is a dip into insanity, or maybe it is just spanking sickness, and all will soon be well…we’ll have to see.
Sounds During Spankings
Bonnie asked on My Bottom Smarts, in her MBS Spanko Brunch #99,
“When receiving a spanking, what sounds do you or your partner make?”
I am actually not going to answer that directly. It feels just too intimate to me. Maybe that is a bit strange for a woman writing a blog on Domestic Discipline and thus at times on spanking, and I do share so much here, but the intimacies between Grant and I are just not something I feel right about disclosing. Part of what makes an intimacy intimate is that it is just between the partners, is it not? Well, that is how both Grant and I feel.
Bonnie’s question and the answers there did bring something to mind though. The responses pointed out quite clearly that there are not only many very different kinds of spanking, but also that we speak of them differently. There were of course people who differentiated between disciplinary and erotic spanking. There were those who said they only do the ‘fun’ kind. There ware a couple of comments that mentioned that they are not spanked hard enough to cry, or even to make much noise. And then those who talked about being spanked to tears, fussing, “ouching”, and even begging him to stop.
This is something I have been thinking about for a while. When I say I was spanked and someone else says the same thing, I have discovered we really might not mean the same thing at all. It was eye opening for me to realize this. Not that it matters in the long run one bit. Ultimately, we each need to figure out what works for us and what does not, and to do that, whatever it is. But in the short run, it might matter a lot.
I am sure one of the reasons we read these blogs is that we look to see what others do, to compare it to what we do, in order to learn. We all compare ourselves. I know I cannot be the only one! I read voraciously in the first year or so. It was rather all consuming and I wanted to see, to understand, to sort through and absorb everything I possibly could. I have seen most new Dders (and spankos) do much the same. I still do read blogs, but not with the same drive or perspective. I feel much more comfortable in what we do now. Not that Grant and I cannot learn, because we can and do, but we are at a different place in our learning curve and our rhythms are pretty much set. We feel comfortable.
A year ago when a Dd friend would talk about a spanking, I would assume what a spanking was. What a spanking means to me. Then one day, in a discussion, I actually asked for details. I found out that her spanking occurred when her husband gave her 4 whacks with his hand over her pants. Hmmm and wow! I would not call that a spanking. Now I am not disputing your right to call it whatever you want, but in my mind, that just does not constitute a spanking! I would call that a few whacks. Then I began to consciously notice more in my reading how spankings were described. There are stories where the spankings are clearly way too severe for my sensibilities. There are bruises and even blood. On some blogs I see pictures and shudder. I think of those people as being more into sado-masochism. Then there are the stories with a huge dramatic lead up, and then the spankee receives 10 sound whacks with a hairbrush. The spanking is done, her lesson learned, and she sobs!
Maybe it is just me. I never considered myself a very tough lady. Actually the opposite, but 10 whacks with a hairbrush, though it would hurt, is not teaching me any kind of serious lesson! Maybe poor Grant has his work cut out for him with me?
I guess I find myself somewhere in the middle. 10 whacks with a hairbrush would hardly constitute a punishment spanking here. I have never bled and Grant tries hard to avoid major bruising. He is not comfortable with that. For me a spanking is an all out, pants down, in position (any position will do…pick one) 5-30 minutes of spanking. I guess it could be a little less and very hard, but usually longer. Maybe towards 45-60 minutes during maintenance. Punishments do tend to be shorter and harder than maintenance. Yeah there is certainly noise, and that is far as I am going on that subject!
How does one stay silent during a punishment? I wonder if a spanking is truly punishment worthy if one could? I mean if a punishment spanking does not push you beyond being in control, is it truly punishing? For me it would not be. I would probably categorize those as a reminder or warning spanking. Grant will use those to say, “Hey, I am getting your attention here in hopes that I do not have to resort to an all out punishment…knock it off!” or sometimes as an intervention, ”You are winding up and need to get a grip…let’s not head down this road” or even preemptively, “I am reminding you of what the consequences will be tonight if you don’t behave.” if we are heading into a stressful situation. Those for me would not necessarily inspire tears or noise. Erotic moments I am not even addressing. Punishment…well if there were no outward reaction, I think Grant would think he had to spank a heck of a lot harder!
Spanking and Housekeepers
I am sure I said, somewhere, that deciding who will be the HoH makes things less complicated? It alleviates stress, and lets us focus on the important things in life…right? Well forgedaboudit! All is fair in love and housekeeping!
Our housekeeper quit. It is possible, as a friend’s husband indelicately pointed out, that there were just too many paddle sightings for her to keep her job with us, but in reality she went on to a full time situation with benefits. How can I blame her? Annette was terrific, fast, trustworthy, nice and had just the right smidgen of OCD…a wonderful trait in a house cleaner! Alas she is gone. The house shows it.
Now Grant has insisted that he will select the replacement. I was instructed to place an ad in the local paper, and he wanted his cell as the contact number. OK, that’s fine. Then he tells me he plans to do an FBI clearance on anyone coming into our home! Oh this is so not going to go over well! He asked “Why would I let anyone in our home on a regular basis, often alone, without making sure they are not a criminal?” He does have a point; I get that. I cannot argue, well I could but I won’t, but I do want a house cleaner in this calendar year! A CRIMINAL CHECK…?
OK, so two days ago we interviewed the first victim…er…candidate. She seemed OK to me. She smiled, looked reasonably normal, was willing to work the hours we wanted, and even had references! Good, right? Nope. Grant gave her a form to fill out which included asking for her social security number. He is not having anyone work for us, especially in our house, who will not tell us their social security number. She looked at him sceptically and asked why he wanted it, because she wants to be paid cash “under the table.” Grant frowned. He pointed out to her that this is illegal, and she laughed a bit and said “Yes, but everybody does it!” with a wave of the hand. This is where I realized she is NOT getting this job. Grant is not interested in what “everybody does”, as he has impressed upon us all numerous times. When it comes to honesty and the law, he takes a hard no tolerance stance. Again, I can’t blame him…but I do reeeaaally want a housekeeper!
So after she left I mustered a bright tone, to ask him, “So, what did you think?” Well that got me several repeated mini lectures on his opinion of the “everybody does it” philosophy of life, and what HE will allow in HIS house. I reminded him that next week is HIS week to clean! So the search continues. We saw two more women yesterday and two more today. We got two social security numbers out of the five of them. Grant actually had me call our accountant to be sure it was indeed legal for us to pay cash, which I am relieved to know it is. Apparently the tax liability is the recipient’s, in this situation. Phew!
We think we will hire one of the women who gave us the requested information. She was very nice, lives close by, and was smart enough to hush and give us that darn number! Now we just have to wait a week until she returns from her annual December vacation in Aruba. Wish I was there!
I did remind Grant that we have a new opportunity to play fool the housekeeper. ALL implements could be carefully returned to their locked safe place each time. He said he is game. He will secret them, and I will double check. The truth is, with someone coming into your house several times a week, and into your bedroom, they are going to see things at some point! This leaves me shuddering! I wonder what Valerie is going to think the first time she vacuums over a paddle left under the bedroom chair? I am also going to pray that Annette and Valerie never meet!
Dd Forums and Internet Friends
It has been impossible for me to write this week. I cannot seem to write fluff, nor ignore the things that feel pressing to me. So now, as is my way, I am going to jump in and talk openly about it.
Most of us, when we discover spanking, or Domestic Discipline, look on the Internet to find resources. There is light spanking stuff, erotic spanking stuff, and the serious how to’s. And then there are the forums. There are quite a few Dd forums out there. They take different tones and forms. Some are private, some require registration, and some are open groups.
I think the blogs and forums are important. They educate us, they give us a place to explore ourselves, and to make friendships with others who share a lifestyle choice. For women in particular, I think it is essential. Women have a need for women friends and a need to talk about their lives. We usually cannot talk about our lives, nor our Dd relationships, with our real life friends. We are drawn to find women who understand TTWD. Where else would we find them but through the Internet? Yeah, I know spanking parties. Nope, not for me, and besides, spanking and Domestic Discipline are just not the same.
I have been a member of many forums as a reader, and an active participant in two private ones and a membership one as well. These experiences have been very different in several ways. The open one ended up being like standing on 42nd st in NYC. Anyone who happened by was there, and would say whatever they felt like. It was hard to sift through the chaos to find anything of value. The private ones were wonderful experiences, all in all. I also ended up ultimately leaving each one, deciding they were not healthy environments, at least not for me. I have learned to be picky about where I spend my time and with whom. In real life, whether it is family, TV, or a group of friends, Grant and I try expose ourselves to as positive and healthy an environment as we can. We learned that surrounding ourselves with negative people, listening to trash on the TV, etc, impacts us and our outlooks, in a negative way. There is an expression Grant has used for a long time “Trash in, trash out!” What you take in you will end up putting out. We try to be careful.
I am not sure that the problem is forums per se, but people and what the Internet allows. The Internet is the great equalizer. It allows people to come together from around the world, across cultures, across economic and social and educational divides. Perhaps that is both its wonder and its curse. When we post, when we chat, we do not have the opportunity to see people. We miss their expressions, tone and body language. That can make for misunderstandings. The same words can be softened with a smile, or made harsh with a tone. Neither the smile nor the tone comes across in the written word. So we fill in the gaps with what WE think. We have a 50/50 shot at being right.
And then there is the other missing information. We do not have the opportunity to see the poster, or Internet friend in their environments. We do not see them sitting at their laptop in the midst of squalor, or in a well kept home. We do not see how they dress, relate to their kids, and behave in public. We do not see them. So, we fill in the gaps. I tend to want to believe the best. I want to think people are “OK”, which I guess means, for all of us, basically ‘like me’. Or at least enough like me that we share some basic values. I also want to think they are real.
The Internet is relatively new to me. I joined my first forum and read my first blog two years ago. Heck I sent my first email about 6 years ago! So I do speak from limited experience, but not just mine alone. I have talked a lot with some friends over the last week about their Internet experiences. They are pretty parallel to mine. I have spent time and energy and invested myself, with people I would likely not have in my real life. We simply would not have had enough in common. We would have looked at each other, talked to each other, and probably both come away with the idea that we are too different. There would not have been enough commonalities to sustain a friendship. But again, the Internet spans those gaps…on the surface. When there is stress, upset, issues, you see what is deep inside people come out. You see how they handle themselves, the decisions they make, their emotional resources. That is where the divide begins to show. That is where education, worldliness and relationship experience becomes apparent.
Forums also seem to have a culture of their own. I really do not have a handle on this, but I have seen many versions of forum wars, unchecked destructive group dynamics, gossip, lies, intrigue and mayhem. Why? I am not sure. Possibly it is an issue of leadership. I run a corporation. I do not allow negative behavior, inappropriate communications, back stabbing, etc. I set an example, expect my team leaders to do the same, and resolve issues, when they come up, in a way that will benefit the individuals and the company. I believe that it needs to be a win/win. If my people are happy, my company will benefit. I guess that if I did not do my job well, the company would not thrive, and the bottom line, the income, would show that. On forums there is no telling factor or great fallout, except that people leave. And then too, people are desperate for a Dd community and so they will put up with a lot. People who want to avoid this kind of messiness often choose to leave.
Maybe part of the issue is that people know they are unseen, and so will say and do things they would not in real life. They underestimate their impact on others, or maybe, underneath they just do not really care. And then maybe the issue comes back to cultures, and socio-economic differences. What is acceptable behavior in one kind of neighborhood is not in another.
So, knowing this, why the heck would one ever join a forum, develop an Internet relationship, or attempt in any way to reach through the wires to make a friend? Because, some of us out here are real. Some of us do our very best to treat people as we would in real life. Some of us are the kind of people you would want to know! I have been hurt, misunderstood and lied to and about. I have also met some of my very best friends through the Internet. I needed Dd friends. I found them. A few of the couples I have met on the Internet, and then met in real life have developed into wonderful real life friends. I am so grateful that I found them, and so appreciate their support and friendship. It was truly all worth it!
