Finding Sara

On My Bottom Smarts Bonnie asked what are we doing to keep Christmas sane. Actually she asks about romance and  passion, but this year I will settle for sane. Christmas…tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I feel generally unprepared. In fact, the day before I am feeling downright anxious. What is it about Christmas that brings out the nut in me? I have had no reality to measure my fantasies against. Growing up Jewish I only knew the image created by the media. I watched from the outside looking in and imagined what it might be like. The reality did not exist in  my realm of experience. Yesterday I was telling my daughter that behind the scenes Moms tend to stress at Christmas. There is the issue of getting the perfect gifts, that things are more or less ‘even’ both in terms of money spent and number of gifts for the kids. The haul must be not too much to be over done, not too scanty to be a disappointment. I must be sure every one is happy, and feels loved. She responded you are awfully particular about “this Christmas thing” for a Jew! So what is “this Christmas thing”? I think it is me finding a way to tie up my role in the family with a brightly colored bow, and present it with flair. It is never good enough…I am never good enough. Why do I do this? Grant thinks I am out of my mind. He has tried to reign me in since he had the power, since we began Dd, with a budget, a list, and often going shopping with me. Last year it helped.  I hate to admit that because the whole experience was in some ways  less than pleasant. It had it’s nice moments though. He scheduled three shopping dates with me between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We made them fun…sort of. We went out to lunch and shopped, and by the end of the day I got grumpy, he growled, and I swore I would never do that again! He is not a big fan if shopping and I am not a big fan of trying to shop with a man looking over my shoulder saying “He doesn’t need that” “That is too expensive” “She won’t like that”. How much more aggravating could it get? I got swatted both in the middle of Staples and in the parking lot in front of Borders! How much more public can it get? I convinced myself people would think he was fooling around. He was not!  So this year I am back on my own. Not by intent, but it happened. He told me to stick to the same budget as last year and that was it. Grant has a huge work project that culminates today. Tonight he wants to start wrapping gifts, the day before Christmas eve! Grant is a guy who makes a traditional Christmas Eve Day trek to the mall to shop. This makes me crazy! I needed to be wrapped by yesterday, and I am not. Today while he is out I will go through the gifts, sort, list, stress more, and start to wrap….and it is way too late for sanity. I know this and he has no clue.  Two days ago I mentioned that I had no idea what I really had for the kids, that there is a huge pile, that I feel it is not enough, and that things are arriving in the mail that I forgot I even ordered. He was surprised and asked “Well don’t you have a list?”. Nope! He looked stunned but was smart enough to say nothing. He did not ask me to make a list this year!  I do not do lists well. I am not very organized, and I have Christmas anxiety. Put those things together and here I am! He really has nothing to say. He did not ask for a list. He did tell me to save receipts and I did. He might remember to add them up, but I haven’t and likely won’t. I think we are under budget, but frankly I hardly care at this point. It is Christmas and he has already waved the budget for our older son with a specific gift request, and then decided books don’t count, so I bought many many books, especially for our daughter…and he left me on my own. On my own I do this the way I always have…my way. It works, it always has, but it is very stressful and no doubt we will be doing the Christmas Eve wrappings session again this year! Something we had hoped to avoid.  Here’s the problem. I know Christmas is not supposed to be about material things. I actually, because of the budget, spend less than I used to and less than I would. For us Christmas has no religious content either. Neither of us is a Christian. Grant grew up Catholic but is not that anymore. I am Jewish…a secular Jew. We celebrate Christmas because it was the tradition Grant grew up with, because it was one I wanted to be part of, because for us it is a special family time to gather, break bread, enjoy and share.  But there is still the matter of the gifts, the fantasy of the perfect Christmas that I never experienced until I was married. I think it is actually about the feeling I have that this is now my event, a major annual production for the family that I somehow feel is my responsibility to pull off. It is up to me to decorate, to create the atmosphere, to find out what the kids want, to buy those gifts, to make sure the Christmas Eve and Day schedules and meals are set. Grant helps, and in fact I am fortunate that Grant cooks, but he needs to know what I want. This is my show, and it has to be perfect, and it certainly will not be. Not this year.  I know for a fact I care about all of this more than any of the rest of them. Grant just wants a warm and peaceful family time…oh and he wants a clean organized house. How can one have a clean organized house in the midst of creating this kind of major production? The kids enjoy it, but they are very reasonable about what they expect. Even they feel I over do it with the gifts, the worry, the stress! Wow, I had not planned to admit all this, but there it is, neuroses and all! I know I am not alone. I have talked to friends who feel almost as whacked out as I do. So what am I going to do about it?  Well last night Grant asked me to go out with him for a drink tonight. I am going to get off the computer and get moving. Clean and organize my house, sort my gifts, start wrapping. I am going to figure out what I have, what I need and possibly make a run to the bedlam they call “a mall” before Christmas. Then I am going to change and meet my husband for a drink. If I am sane it is all good. If I am not I will lay out a paddle on the bed before I leave so he can beat some sanity into my head by means of a commonly used circuitous route before the Holiday dawns! 

OK, and just to add to the fun, somehow wordpress will not let me keep the paragraphs when I post…so there you have it…one looong run on Holiday rant!