Brownies Revisited
A few nights ago my sons asked at dinner if I would make brownies for them. ‘Brownies’ are a loaded item at our house right now! I smiled, Grant looked alarmed, and the boys wheedled. Finally I said “What the heck, yes I can make brownies.” and then catching Grant’s eye said “It might be worth 10!”
As sometimes happens I was teasing and he was dead serious. He looked at me and said quietly, “I know you won’t be having one, because you gave me your word.” There was no warning or threat in his tone, but rather he spoke to the agreement we have, underneath, that our word to each other is solid. A brownie is, after all, a little thing, but a promise is everything. It speaks to trust and commitment and personal integrity.
I am not sure how you build a marriage without those things, but a Dd marriage without them is impossible. Breaking rules is inevitable, but intentionally doing so, or deciding you just don’t care today, or playing catch me if you can reflects personal integrity and the commitment level of the couple to their Dd arrangement.
There are times when I forget this. There are times when I get waylaid by impulse, wanting what I want, or just momentarily lose the vision of the promise I made. Grant did not just tell me I had to call and ask if I wanted to cheat, I agreed. For us, that means everything. He has always kept us on track, I think, by focusing on the underlying and most important issues. Whatever the momentary misdemeanor is, underneath, what was the promise we made to each other, and is that being honored? Pretty sobering, but what else is there, but the truth?
I made the pan of brownies for the boys and they are long gone. Of course I did not have one. I think it would have tasted like sand, understanding my integrity was at stake.
The Price Of A Brownie
I guess I am not necessarily a fan of new things. Each and every time Grant introduces something new, I get a bit uncomfortable. He knows this. We have discussed it. I almost think he likes it! Pushing boundaries is such a mixed bag.
We have had a diet rule in place for maybe a month. Actually, I guess a month ago, it was one of those ‘new things’. I have a problem with carbs and sugars. I am not diabetic or anything, but I seem to not handle them well. The chiropractor did some involved 24 hr test and told me I do not process them properly which is why always I crave them. I do know when I start eating them it is hard to stop, and after a day or so I do get very cranky!
I suppose after a week of bad eating pre-Christmas that resulted in a Christmas Eve meltdown (and spanking), and then another time the next month, Grant decided he needed to do something. I am really very very good, except when I am not! Anyway, his solution was to decree that I am not allowed to go off my diet without permission. At first my response was basically “Say what?” and “You have got to be kidding!” Nope, he was not. We are not much for the permission thing here. Or maybe I should say I am not? It is hard to ask for something like that. It kind of takes putting aside your pride to even say “May I?” all together. I do it, but I do not much like it. I guess it is sort of OK, and I have to admit it makes me think twice about indulging! There are enough things, treats included, that I can eat that I rarely have had to ask. A couple of times in the past month, when we went out for Valentine’s day, and another time I think, when I did want to indulge and he said “Just be reasonable” and that was it. I can remember one time when I wanted to just “cheat” in general, and he said no. L
So last weekend, Grant was away on business for 3 nights. The 2nd night I was at the time of the month where we women just CRAVE sugar and chocolate! Besides he was away, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I impulsively pulled a box of brownie mix off the shelf and made a batch, knowing the 3 kids in the house, my 2 sons and the girlfriend, would love them. I knew I shouldn’t, but just said “What the heck!” and decided to go for it. An hour later I had a warm brownie, with vanilla ice cream on top, AND I warmed up some hot fudge to go on top! It was delicious! In my own defense I would like to mention that the pan of brownies took 2 more days to consume, but I did not touch them again! I think I demonstrated remarkable restraint, and went back to my diet routine after the one indulgence. However, since Grant was away…thus his fault entirely…I decided he did not need to know about one small, and rather inconsequential, hot fudge brownie sundae!
At this point I will add that I do this repeatedly. I do something I should not, decide NOT to tell, hold on to it for a minimal amount of time, and then spill it. Darn it, I always spill it! On a serious note, secrets are poison in a marriage, even small secrets. Keeping them requires putting up walls, and that ultimately comes between you. Less seriously, it was just a freakin’ brownie!!!
Anyway, last night, exactly one week after the brownie caper, Grant decided he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner, for no special reason at all. He made reservations at one of our favorite places, and told me to be ready by 6 PM. After the day of teaching his Saturday classes, he came home, changed quickly, and we were off. It was really nice! Lest anyone worry that I am deprived, I ordered a small Caesar salad, twin African lobster tails, asparagus with béarnaise, and had a drink to boot! Yummy and all ON the low carb diet! Does anyone else realize that vodka has no carbs? Perhaps the drink was my downfall. I don’t drink much, and it loosens me up pretty quickly! Grant was flirting a bit and telling me his plans for the rest of our evening. He started with “And when we get home, I want you to go into the bedroom and…” This stuff is lovely and very sexy, and when he gets more directive it triggers me feeling more submissive. All good, except when you have a little secret! It just somehow popped out! I actually caught myself and stopped, but by then it was too late. He KNEW. He very quietly but firmly suggested I finish what I had been about to say or the rest if the evening’s plans would take a very different direction! It was done…so I just told him.
He was not at all mad, and in fact in between telling me I would be punished, obviously when he decided, the evening continued to be fun and warm and a really good one. We sort of played with it for a while, and as I tried to talk my way out of a punishment, I remember giving multiple excuses and finishing up with “And that brownie really did hit the spot!” He smiled softly, took my hand, gazed into my eyes and said “There’s going to be something else really hitting the spot too!” It is a bit odd how the whole Dd dynamic, and especially odd how the punishment piece, is just woven in to life at this point. Unless there is some big emotional issue, it just sort of is what it is.
We finished dinner and got home early. We retired to the bedroom and spent a really nice evening together. Since there was no further discussion of punishment, and since knowing Grant, it was not just going away, I decided to finally ask when that was going to be addressed. We were lying in bed, and he pulled me close and said “Your punishment is tomorrow. This is what is going to happen. You are getting 10 with the punishment paddle. You will come to me and ask when you are ready…BUT you have to ask before 5PM. And let me be very clear. Up until 5 PM, you get 10. At 5:01 it becomes 30! If I have to come get you, then it is 30. And, btw, if you ask at 4:50, so at 5:00 you have had half, then the remainder of the 30 is due!” What the heck? We don’t count, I don’t ask, and he is changing the rules! I told him I should remember NOT to tell him about any more brownies. Some secrets, apparently, need to be just kept! He told me secrets will result in 50! He surely knows math has never been my strength! Hey! Right brained here! Sheesh!
I figured maybe it was worth one more try to get out of this and I began with “Grant, common…this is a BROWNIE! I don’t think this is a BIG deal!” and he said “Yes that is one of the things about punishment, sometimes the person getting punished goes in thinking they did not do anything so very wrong. But it is my job to decide, right?” “Well…yes” And then I began to pout, just a little. I turned my back on him in bed. He asked whether I needed a spanking right then for pouting, before the spanking tomorrow for the brownie! Well there’s a lose/lose for you! So, I sighed “No” and just let him hold me.
This morning I woke up at just after 5Am. That gave me lots of time to contemplate all of this. I am being punished for eating a brownie. I am supposed to call my husband and ask permission to cheat on my diet. I am going to get spanked for eating a brownie without permission? What planet am I living on? I asked a friend this question just this morning, and without missing a beat she said “It is called Planet Dd!”
Actually the 10 swats is not a very big deal. Barely ranks up there on the punishment scale, but the asking sure does! What to do, what to do? Grant and the boys all got up at around 9 am as they had a 10 am rehearsal for a film project my oldest son is doing. By 12 they were back in the house. By 12:30 Grant asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him this afternoon. “Sure!” I responded, “What movie?” He wants to go see “Atonement”! You have got to be kidding me, right? So now I have to plan. “Exactly when is it playing?” He goes online to get the times while I am, of course am trying to figure out just when I am going to fit in this spanking. I am thinking to myself that I need to know if there will there be enough time to do it afterwards, but still before 5PM? Mental overload! It is close to 1 PM, and I was up at 5 AM, and I need a nap. I go into the bedroom and crawl into bed, and five min later Grant comes in and says we can go to the 2 PM at one theatre or the 3:30 at another. I look at him and ask “Ok, well how long does the movie run?” “What?” he asks. “Never mind”, I say “The 3:30 Pm is fine!” Grant leaves and I am laying there for all of three minutes before I realize this is ridiculous! I really do not want to ask, but I need to just get it over with! I get out of bed and follow him into the kitchen. “Grant, can we just take care of ‘things’ now?” Being a creative, but not a cruel man, he just responded “Sure. This should only take a couple of minutes. Let’s go before my coffee gets cold!” Got to love him!
After quite a few hours of worrying about having to ask, and numbers of swats etc, the event was rather… uneventful (a good thing!). He lectured pretty effectively about my making a promise to him, and how he didn’t want to have to do this, took me OTK, spanked quickly and it was done. We hugged; I got back into bed and took my nap. As I was falling asleep, the thought crossed my mind some things are just worth the spanking! Did I mention I had baked dark chocolate bits into the brownies?
And I highly recommend “Atonement”. It was one of the best movies we have seen in a very long while!
Wisdom and Forgiveness
I wrote this a month or so ago, but never got around to posting it. This is very personal stuff, but I think I am going to talk about it. Just maybe it will help someone else out there, give someone hope. A Dd friend recently told me she has been reading and re-reading When He does Something Wrong, trying to find her way in her marriage through some very rough waters. It made me think it was time to go ahead and share this.
Wisdom and Forgiveness
Several days ago I was looking through some jewelry I had put away, for a particular piece I wanted to wear. I came across something that I had not seen or thought of for quite some time. It reminded me of how far I have come, and where we were versus where we are now. It is a good thing to remember. It helps me appreciate what we have together, Grant and I. It is also good to remember how hard we had to fight, each of us, and us together, to get here. I suspect maybe we will at times have to fight just as hard to hold on to what we have. Maybe good marriages are like that?
A few years ago, after Grant and I had separated, I came to a point where I decided to not wear our wedding ring. This was not to signal being available to others. I was not. It was more to signal to myself that I belonged to me, that we were separated, that the bonds were broken and I needed to look inside to try to figure out what was right for me. Something that Grant did at that time was the original trigger, but in retrospect, it was the culmination of many hurts on both sides – perhaps all part of what we needed to go through together.
It was a terrible time, but I now look back and think of that time more as part of the metaphorical journey that life often becomes. Joseph Campbell writes, in The Myth of the Hero, about the archetypal journey of life that calls for the wanderer seeking wisdom, or wealth, or the metaphorical prize to journey to the depths, to face huge obstacles and eventually to overcome, to be reborn, to rise again. There are variations on the theme, but the commonality is that one needs to lose oneself to find oneself, to risk to gain, to destroy to rebuild. I felt like our separation and divorce process was like that. We sunk, battled, almost lost everything, and out of the ashes a new marriage was reborn. I know it sounds a little dramatic, but honestly, that was our process.
Anyway, I recently stumbled upon my rings. The first ring I ordered for myself from a company that lets you design them with an engraving. It is the thinnest of gold bands with three small blue stones, and I had WISDOM engraved on each side of the stones. I was seeking wisdom at that time in my life. I really felt lost, bereft, but even then I knew that somehow I needed to pull myself up and find a clear vision, will myself to somehow find wisdom. I knew I was feeling lost, was not sure where to go in life, and knew I had to somehow, someway, pursue ‘wisdom’. How does one decide to become wise? How do you acquire wisdom? I am not sure, but I knew that the first step was making the decision that this is what I was missing…wisdom. It became my mantra. I set it as my password everywhere so I had to type it multiple times a day, and I wore the reminder on my finger.
I ordered the second ring almost a year later. It is the same band with the same stones, but this one says FORGIVENESS on each side. In my year of seeking, the one small piece of wisdom I acquired was that I needed to learn forgiveness. At first I understood that I needed to find a way to forgive Grant. We were separated and very close to a legal divorce, but he was the father of my three children, and besides, I loved the man and knew I always would. I did not want us to be enemies, and I knew to accomplish that, I needed to forgive him his transgressions, his errors, frailties…his humanity. I worked on that, and by the way, yep, I changed all my passwords to Forgive!
Within months, something rather unexpected started to happen. As I began to work towards forgiving Grant, and added in the smidgen of wisdom I had obtained, I had a revelation. It dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, all of the bad things between us were not entirely his fault. I know, that is almost impossible to fathom…but I now know it is true! Apparently I was also responsible for the mess our marriage was in. I needed to take a hard look at that, and get painfully honest with myself. Looking at yourself naked in the mirror is rarely a pleasant thing, but of you want to change how things are, you usually have to change what you do. First you have to be willing to see it. Apparently, I also needed also to learn to forgive myself.
It was a time of self exploration and growth for me. Those painful two years, while Grant and I (mostly I), tore us apart and then we put us back together again, is what eventually led us to Domestic Discipline. Among many issues between us was the fact that our power dynamic was sadly askew. The truth is I worked hard to keep it there. I was beyond furious with Grant for not being the man I needed him to be, the man he always had been, and the man I married and then tried to shut down. That was a no win for everyone.
That has taken quite a while to accomplish, a lot of pain and tears and heartache, but I feel that I did it. I learned to be much more accepting of both of us. I became wise enough to know that without forgiveness, we cannot love. We need to forgive each other, and to forgive ourselves…our humanity, our frailties, our issues and blunders. Love is not just about enjoying the good times, but about surviving the bad. Grant and I know, no matter what, we want to do both of these together.
Out of wisdom came the knowledge that I needed to learn forgiveness, and out of forgiveness I found love again. I was intending to order a third ring, but instead I just put my wedding band back on.
Was It The Full Moon?
It was just one of those days today! I am moving my business into a new building and drove into the city today to meet the realtor and the contractor. Grant decided he wanted to come too, as he feels I have a history of being run over and taken advantage of by men in the trades. It is true that I know next to nothing about building stuff, systems such as plumbing and electric, and it is true I have paid top dollar in the past for lousy work. Ok, so what is his point? Anyway, he wanted to come and I guess protect me. He is wonderful in looking out for me in that way. Our older son was also coming to look at the one bedroom apartment upstairs, for when he returns to college next year.
So my two guys are coming to work with me, my two bossy, have to be in charge and run things, guys! Somehow this involved my son rushing me out of the house, of course Grant needed to drive, my son had to listen to very loud Reggae music at 9 am, and somehow these men ended up in charge of my day! It did just not sit right with me. I go into the city office by myself every Wednesday, and here they were taking over. This is already sounding silly, but this is how I felt at the time…just sort of imposed upon. My routine, work day, my trip, my business, my building, and Grant calling the shots. It is also a full moon!
So they rushed me out of the house, and then drove too slow! Then Grant was talking on the cell phone while he was driving and missed the entrance to I 95! Now I have to mention this has bothered me in the past. I have told him before, and my husband, Mr. Cautious, safety conscious, lock the doors, and you are not allowed to drive over 70 MPH, talks on the cell while driving? I was mad! I told him so, asked him to stop, and he proceeded to shush me and continue his call while entering onto the highway and drove half on the shoulder. Now I was furious! Why can men not admit they are wrong in the moment? He argued with me, and told me to stop. Finally I reached over and tried to take the cell phone that was now lying in the center console. Not a good move! Ok, so just maybe that was not the most calm or respectful way to handle the situation. He managed to grab it before I could and was quite peeved, and gave me The Look as he scolded. He told me, using The Tone “We will be discussing this later!” Ok, so we all know what that means!
We got into town and I went into the office while he went for a cup of coffee with our son. We had about an hour until our appointment. When we met back up we were both much calmer, and besides we had my employee with us, so we were both careful. We took care of the business and headed out to a nice lunch at a seafood restaurant. I was still on edge. Truly I am not sure why, but the whole day went like that.
At lunch I said something to Grant. I cannot remember what it was…maybe my tone? Anyway, he took his coffee spoon and kind of semi-discreetly made this spanking gesture with it! In the middle of McCormick & Schmick’s Seafood Restaurant! I hissed at him, then he said right in front of our son “You are in trouble!” I did the only thing a semi-reasonable Dd wife can do under the circumstances! I kicked him, hard under the table! Hey if you are already ‘in trouble’ I say go for it! Grant exclaimed “Ow!” and reached down to rub the offended shin. Doesn’t the man understand if he is kicked under the table he supposed to NOT react overtly? The man needs lessons! Sheesh!
Anyway, just add in that I later stuck my tongue out at him, explained sweetly that I was also going to stomp on his toe of he said that again in front of our son…and whatever else he remebers that I don’t…and I guess I am in a tiny little bit of trouble. It is a full moon!
It is also that I really really missed him while he was away, and I know now that his trips will be more frequent and longer into the Spring. I understand completely that he has to do what he must, but I really hate the trips. I did not even realize I was/am upset, but I think so. The separations rattle me. There are times when we push unconsiously for what we need, and I think a major reconnect is in order. Did anyone see the full moon lunar eclipse tonight? Even the skies are strange!
Assignments and Lists
I am not sure exactly when or how this started. My best recollection is that it had something to do with Grant being frustrated with the lack of organization at home. He feels best when everything is in it’s place. I do too, but the effort to get them there is more than I am regularly willing to muster. And then there are the kids, and in fact Grant himself. While he loves order, he does not always create it. The reality is we have small piles of stuff around our house. Mail, business papers, kids school books, interesting reading material, tools, and odds and ends. The list goes on! Not that the house is a wreck. We do have a housekeeper come three half days a week. She cleans and picks up and organizes…but it is not enough.
Anyway, about a year ago Grant targeted two areas that are pet peeves of his. Or maybe it is that these are two areas I tend to let go? One is the desk/hutch in the kitchen that is a natural magnet for all things. After talking numerous times about the desk, I finally told him it was really not something that was going to happen without structure. I just don’t think that way. If there is a job with a deadline I can get it done. Yes, I created a monster! He decided that he was going to give me a regular assignment. Every Saturday I am supposed to clear off that desk top. Put whatever wherever, and make it neat. OK, I can deal with that. He teaches on Saturdays, and I have the desk done by the time he gets home. That works. I will now point out that at no time did I ever express an interest in other sorts of lists or assignments!
Grant somehow figured out that if he could assign me the desk to do weekly, then he could assign other things. Being sneaky, he started slowly. One time when he was leaving for a three day business trip, he sat me down before he left and said “While I am gone there are a couple of things I want you to get done.” And then out came the list! Now the lists come fairly regularly. In fact he makes it a point when he leaves town, most often, to leave me with one. Now the tone when presenting the list suggests that this in not a request and there will be consequences if it is not complied with. I tested that theory, of course, (one must) and found it to be correct. There are indeed consequences for lack of cooperation! The assignments are never huge or grueling, just stuff he feels needs attention, and wants me to prioritize.
On a positive note, I have found, after many such lists, that they do help to keep me focused on us, to feel his presence while he is away. He travels frequently, and the disconnects can be difficult. I have to admit a maintenance spanking before he leaves, and sometimes a list as well, works wonders to keep me on an even keel. On a less positive note, I really don’t like lists! If I am going to be busy, which frankly I would rather not be, I have my own set of priorities which rarely match Grants!
This three day weekend I am organizing our mudroom. The mudroom is a room I tend to ignore. Somehow it becomes a jumble of coats, boots, gloves and hats, sports equipment, book bags, tools… old text books. (I found a 9th grade Spanish text book.
The student has since left for college!) The problem is I hate to throw a book out, and don’t have the time to do anything constructive with it, so I stick it on the shelf in the mudroom! The mudroom is the repository of many things, and I have to say Grant is the worst offender. I also have to say, in all fairness, he told me to throw out whatever should be, organize what stays, and put on the porch whatever else needs to go somewhere, like in the garage, and he will deal with it.
Here’s the kicker, though. He also instructed, during maintenance, in fact, that he wants me to write down exactly whenI work on this assignment. He added that I am NOT allowed to do the whole thing Tuesday afternoon before he is due home! He somehow has figured out that I tend to do some of these assignments last minute! How he knows these things I have no clue, but I have to confess I am a major procrastinator. Now I admit I agreed to write it all down, though I also think an agreement rendered while one is OTK getting her bare bottom whacked with a paddle doesn’t count! Grant, of course does not agree.
So, I am reluctantly writing the times down. I think the documenting is bothering me as much as the fricken assignment! I don’t want to clean the mudroom. It would not have been on the top of my list for things that need doing. I find writing it grates on me! I am doing it anyway. It is not worth fussing about, and I have found in the past that any new requirement always grates on me, until I get used to it.
I remind myself that it all has to do with living a lifestyle of willing cooperation, letting him give the directions, even in the small stuff, if he feels he needs to. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I would have rather put several hours into tackling a different job. While I certainly don’t like writing things down, or documenting my efforts, I trust he has his reasons. Maybe he realized it was a larger job this time, and was simply trying to help me to not run into a frantic afternoon on Tuesday trying to get it all done?
There are many such small things that become opportunities for trust and submission.
Valentine’s Day
Every so often Grant just melts my heart. At least some of the rest of the time he makes me nuts, but these moments, well they make it all worth while and more.
Grant teaches Wednesday nights for the next several months. I had to work a bit late too. When I got home yesterday it was nearly six, the kids were hungry and he was on his way out. I didn’t even change out of work clothes, but quickly made dinner, and then sat with the boys while they ate, as I was not yet hungry. After a quick clean up, they asked if I wanted to watch a movie they rented, and I said, “Sure!” They went to set up the TV and I went to change into pajamas.
I found on my closed bedroom door a pink sticky note in the shape of a heart. It said “Hi!” No clue. Grant, or maybe one of the boys was being silly. I walked into the bedroom hallway and flipped on the light, and just smiled. There was a heart with a message on Grant’s closet door. There was one on my closet door. As I went farther in I saw there was one inside the closet, over the bedroom door…I flipped on the bedroom light…oh my! On the bed, the lamps, the ceiling, the fireplace, the shelves, the pictures…pink hearts with notes…lots of them! I was thrilled, and got a bit teary! There were more in the bathroom, in the shower, over the sink. Each one different, handwritten.
Some are small poems, and some just lovely things to say. Here are a few:
I love you!
Kiss me!
Just ask, it is yours.
I live best near you!
On a picture of me as a girl: I found my soul mate – you.
The world is beautiful because of you!
In the deepest night I think of you, and daylight touches my soul!
And 4 inside the shower:
I love your mind
Your Heart
Your soul
Your body!!
The long stemmed roses Grant surprised me with this afternoon were gorgeous , and the dinner out was really nice, but those little pink post it notes will be forever etched in my memory. Finding them, reading them, and the flood of love and appreciation they made me feel. Thank you Honey, for loving me the way you do!
President’s Day
Some days just go like that ya know? Saturday night Grant and I went to a hotel overnight near the University where he teaches. We were scheduled to see a theatre performance the next day and felt we really needed a brief getaway. We left my visiting 86 year old Dad and the two boys, and headed out. The night was fun, the play awful; neither of us slept well, and as I have alluded to, the stress around our house has been way up on the charts!
On the way home it started. Our elder son had a Dr’s appt Monday morning. I knew it was at 9am until Grant suddenly announced, “No, it is at 8am!” I was sure it was at 9. I had made a metal note that it was at 9. Some things are etched in memory! He insisted, I insisted, we both got miffed. Finally he told me he was very aggravated with me for not believing him, because unlike me, he had written the appointment down at 8am in his I-phone scheduler. It was HIS written note vs. MY memory, and I should be willing to concede, given these facts. Further more, I should trust him, and thus he was going to spank that night because I had “caused an argument over nothing”. I was irritated. Irritated enough that I told him “That is just stupid!” He informed me THAT comment definitely sealed the deal!
After dinner that night I was chatting with a friend online and told her the whole story. I also told her I was “unimpressed” with Grant’s logic! One of us was right and one of us was wrong. Either way this was NOT spankable…but “whatever!” His call…but I am still unimpressed!” Yep. Major PMS happening. Anyway, given my protestations and I guess how clearly hormonal I was, Grant decided to just do a standard maintenance spanking that night, but informed me that IF it turned out I was wrong, I would get a punishment spanking. I still don’t get the thinking, but I guess it goes that way sometimes.
The next morning the Dr called and it was confirmed that the appt was indeed at 9 am. When Grant woke up he asked first thing! I tried not to be smug as I told him the delicious news! He was incredulous at first, even asked if I was perhaps fibbing to play a joke on him? Nope…the truth is revealed! He shook his head and told me he must be getting senile! I know he felt bad.
Story over one would think, but there is more. About an hour later I was on the phone with another friend downstairs in our family room. In fact I was telling her this very story, and how Grant turned out to be wrong, when he called from his cell phone from the upstairs.How weird! I figured I better pick up! He called to tell me the school called asking why our younger son was not there. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “Sara” he said, “Presidents Day is NEXT Monday!” So much for feeling smug!
After laughing about it all we ultimately decided to let him just stay home. He had stayed up late, had not finished his homework, and besides, I told Grant, he had an orthodontist appointment and would need to be picked up early anyway. Not worth the hassle for two hours in school! Since I thought it was President’s Day I planned to stay home fromwork too. I went ahead with those plans, and later I took both our boys to a late lunch, right near the orthodontist’s office. It was right after lunch, on the way to the Dr’s office that it hit me. Now do I even tell Grant that the Orthodontist appt happens to be NEXT Monday, on PRESIDENT’S DAY???
When Dd Is Not Fair
Southern Angel, I wanted to respond to your comment in more depth. Here it is.
In your comment to When He does Something Wrong you said:
I have never found a satisfactory answer of how to deal with it when he messes up. The most common answer I have gotten is to forgive him but that doesn’t make sense to me. Why does he get off with quick forgiveness and I have to take a spanking? Or, the wife will say that there is a time where she doesn’t feel close to him, the disconnect you have spoken of. But that also seems unfair since then you both suffer. I don’t want to spank him but I think it is unfair for me to have to live to higher standards than he does.
Southern Angel, I think you make some excellent points and ask important questions. It took me time to be assured that women in Dd marriages are not doormats, unthinking or subservient women (unless they choose to serve, another issue entirely). For the most part we are intelligent, self assured, introspective, capable and often educated. We freely choose to structure our primary relationship in this way.
With that out of the way, I think the idea of “fair” truly has no place in a Dd marriage. As the saying goes ‘we did not sign up for fair’. We agreed to a power dynamic where the two partners are of equal value, but have different degrees of power in the relationship, and different responsibilities as well. When all is said and done, Grant decides for me, for us, and for our family a disproportionate number of issues. If we cannot agree his opinion weighs in more heavily than mine. He tells me what to do, has expectations and makes rules that I do not always get to vote on. I have a voice, and he is good at listening. That is so important because when the power dynamic is unequal, the partner with less power really needs to feel she is heard! Nothing makes me more unhappy than feeling unheard. But after we talk, and whether I agree or not, he decides. That is unfair, but it is what we agreed to, and it works for us.
As to the unfairness of what happens when he does something wrong. I struggled as you have with the idea that it was unfair that I get punished and he doesn’t. Except, he never asked to be punished, says he truly does not feel the need for punishment, and our dynamic inherently demands that I answer to him. Grant does not answer to me. He respects me, he considers me, he cherishes me, but he does not answer to me. For the Dd to work, I had to allow him that authority, that superior position in our marriage, and the responsibilities that go along with that. Mostly, I had to learn to trust him to do his best to do the right things, and to decide to simply forgive him when he messes up.
Could this be a recipe for disaster? Absolutely! Dd is not right for every couple. There are many women who want to hand over that control badly, but will not or cannot take the leap of faith it requires. It is hard! There are just as many men who, frankly, are not capable of taking that kind of leadership role, nor do they really want it. They like being ‘in charge’, but focusing on putting their wife and marriage ahead of their own needs on a daily basis is a tall order. If the husband is entrusted with power he misuses, obviously the marriage will not work well.
I have seen Grant struggle along with me to improve his self control, his behaviors, his relationship skills. We are very much in this marriage together. For us it is not about Grant knowing more than me, being better than me, or fixing me. We both bring a lot to the table and have different strengths. I feel he appreciates mine. Perhaps being a woman, and perhaps just being who I am, I tend to be more emotional. I can much more easily get off track with my assessment of a situation between us. He is better at rational assessment. That seems to allow him to be ‘right’ more often than I am when there are relationship issues between us. It does not always mean I am wrong, but I do get way more emotional about things, and Grant usually has an ability to see more clearly, unencumbered by the intensity of his emotions.
When he does mess up, he does take responsibility. Sometimes that takes time which is a frustration for me, but I have seen many men similarly need to take time to process before they are able to see what they have done, let alone apologize. There is little more aggravating than hearing him use a curse word I am not permitted to say. He really tries not to. He intellectually agrees he should not require of me what he does not do himself. He still slips. Several times when he has done so, I have said “Oh, so I assume now I am allowed to say %^*# when I get mad?” he always looks at me and says “No. you are not!” and he stops. Does it make me mad? Yes! Does he try not to? Yes! Will it happen again? I am sure. Would I get spanked if I cursed? Yes! It is not fair, but is what we agreed to.
We had a marriage where we both self moderated. We functioned independently, and had not nearly the closeness or intimacy. I guess it helps me to remember that the underlying agenda is for Grant and I to function as a unit. For the daily choices to be those that support US rather than ME or HIM. In our case that meant I gave up the power to decide many things, and he took it on. That means for both of us we have to work hard to focus on what is best for the two of us, rather than for either of us independently. It means we sometimes need to rise above who is right or wrong, and try to do what is best for us together.
When He Does Something Wrong
How do you resolve it when he has broken a rule, done something wrong or hurt you? I am lucky that it is never intentional, that it does not happen very often, but then I do not break rules often or hurt intentionally either. But it does happen. When I do make a mistake, we have a mechanism for resolution. It involves discussion and consequences, or punishment.
When Grant hurts me and or breaks a rule, what do we do with that? We discuss, sometimes we argue, and then we do what we used to do all the time. We wait for the hurt to go away. The process is less than satisfactory, but it seems to be all we have.
The good news is that the fights do not go on long, and neither of us allows ourselves the indulgence of the kind of all out war we used to engage in. Still the argument and disconnect is all the more painful. It is not our common way of relating anymore. Sinking into that feels awful.
Still I am not perfect. Neither is he. Sometimes it seems in these Domestic discipline marriages we read about on blogs that the men are all knowing, a superior species. They make the rules, call the shots, dole out the consequences. Some times they mess up too.
The answer always seems to come down to forgiveness.
