When Dd Is Not Fair

Southern Angel, I wanted to respond to your comment in more depth. Here it is.

In your comment to When He does Something Wrong  you said:

I have never found a satisfactory answer of how to deal with it when he messes up. The most common answer I have gotten is to forgive him but that doesn’t make sense to me. Why does he get off with quick forgiveness and I have to take a spanking? Or, the wife will say that there is a time where she doesn’t feel close to him, the disconnect you have spoken of. But that also seems unfair since then you both suffer. I don’t want to spank him but I think it is unfair for me to have to live to higher standards than he does.

 Southern Angel, I think you make some excellent points and ask important questions. It took me time to be assured that women in Dd marriages are not doormats, unthinking or subservient women (unless they choose to serve, another issue entirely). For the most part we are intelligent, self assured, introspective, capable and often educated. We freely choose to structure our primary relationship in this way.  

 

With that out of the way, I think the idea of “fair” truly has no place in a Dd marriage. As the saying goes ‘we did not sign up for fair’. We agreed to a power dynamic where the two partners are of equal value, but have different degrees of power in the relationship, and different responsibilities as well. When all is said and done, Grant decides for me, for us, and for our family a disproportionate number of issues. If we cannot agree his opinion weighs in more heavily than mine. He tells me what to do, has expectations and makes rules that I do not always get to vote on. I have a voice, and he is good at listening. That is so important because when the power dynamic is unequal, the partner with less power really needs to feel she is heard! Nothing makes me more unhappy than feeling unheard. But after we talk, and whether I agree or not, he decides. That is unfair, but it is what we agreed to, and it works for us. 

 

As to the unfairness of what happens when he does something wrong. I struggled as you have with the idea that it was unfair that I get punished and he doesn’t. Except, he never asked to be punished, says he truly does not feel the need for punishment, and our dynamic inherently demands that I answer to him. Grant does not answer to me. He respects me, he considers me, he cherishes me, but he does not answer to me. For the Dd to work, I had to allow him that authority, that superior position in our marriage, and the responsibilities that go along with that. Mostly, I had to learn to trust him to do his best to do the right things, and to decide to simply forgive him when he messes up.  

 

Could this be a recipe for disaster? Absolutely! Dd is not right for every couple. There are many women who want to hand over that control badly, but will not or cannot take the leap of faith it requires. It is hard! There are just as many men who, frankly, are not capable of taking that kind of leadership role, nor do they really want it. They like being ‘in charge’, but focusing on putting their wife and marriage ahead of their own needs on a daily basis is a tall order. If the husband is entrusted with power he misuses, obviously the marriage will not work well.  

 

I have seen Grant struggle along with me to improve his self control, his behaviors, his relationship skills. We are very much in this marriage together. For us it is not about Grant knowing more than me, being better than me, or fixing me. We both bring a lot to the table and have different strengths. I feel he appreciates mine. Perhaps being a woman, and perhaps just being who I am, I tend to be more emotional. I can much more easily get off track with my assessment of a situation between us. He is better at rational assessment. That seems to allow him to be ‘right’ more often than I am when there are relationship issues between us. It does not always mean I am wrong, but I do get way more emotional about things, and Grant usually has an ability to see more clearly, unencumbered by the intensity of his emotions.  

 

When he does mess up, he does take responsibility. Sometimes that takes time which is a frustration for me, but I have seen many men similarly need to take time to process before they are able to see what they have done, let alone apologize. There is little more aggravating than hearing him use a curse word I am not permitted to say. He really tries not to. He intellectually agrees he should not require of me what he does not do himself. He still slips. Several times when he has done so, I have said “Oh, so I assume now I am allowed to say %^*# when I get mad?”  he always looks at me and says “No. you are not!” and he stops. Does it make me mad? Yes! Does he try not to? Yes! Will it happen again? I am sure. Would I get spanked if I cursed? Yes! It is not fair, but is what we agreed to.

 

We had a marriage where we both self moderated. We functioned independently, and had not nearly the closeness or intimacy. I guess it helps me to remember that the underlying agenda is for Grant and I to function as a unit. For the daily choices to be those that support US rather than ME or HIM. In our case that meant I gave up the power to decide many things, and he took it on. That means for both of us we have to work hard to focus on what is best for the two of us, rather than for either of us independently. It means we sometimes need to rise above who is right or wrong, and try to do what is best for us together.