Being Thoughtful
I am in the airport returning home from a grueling week. I have all these random thoughts flying through my head, and I am going to pass the time by trying to make some sense of them. If you are looking for a spanking story, you will have to move onto the next blog. Someone has one to share, I am sure, but not me and not today.
The week has been one riddled with stress and awful family drama. It has also been full of love and hope and some special times. Having my daughter here was perhaps the highlight. I adore her. She is smart and funny and insightful. She is emotionally steady and loyal. She understands the important stuff like how to shop for jewelry and shoes, how to eat lobster and chocolate, how to enjoy good times and recognize the sad. We laughed a lot together and we cried a little too.
Seeing my father, her grandfather, so very near death had been heart wrenching and also life affirming. It is a life transition, as he becomes so old that he cannot, care for himself, and she and I begin to think about her moving towards her adulthood as I move towards a senior citizen status. I am not there yet kids, but the AARP saw fit to send me a membership card last October! That must mean the time draws nearer. As we talked about my Dad’s heath care provisions, she and I began to think about mine, and she asked questions. She is old enough to think about these things and to want to know. I also know it is important to help her through that.
We had a really interesting talk a few nights ago about relationships, families, parents and kids. Grant left to be with our boys on Thursday and she and I had three days alone. I love our girl time! I asked her over dinner in the room last night, in our jammies, if I could talk to her about sex. It has been on my mind this last year, and the chance was there. Of course we have had the sex talks. She is 19 after all. But we had never talked woman to woman about sex in a relationship. She has never had a serious boyfriend, and she has never had sex. I remember being her age…many years ago, and feeling like I was behind the rest, being 20 and a virgin. I remember being in a rush, and I remember the insecurities I felt. I just wanted to tell her that it is truly worth waiting. How wonderful the intimacy of sex is with someone you love, who loves you. Many people don’t talk about these things, but if a mother won’t talk to a daughter, who will? I told her I do not disapprove of premarital sex, but sex without love is not worth the effort. Well that is my feeling, anyway.
She seemed moved that I would talk to her about this, and that I would tell her about some of my early experiences. She told me she realized that what seemed so very important in high school, like which click you were in, was inconsequential in college, so she reasons that what seems of great importance now, like who has a boyfriend in freshman year, will be inconsequential in a couple of years too. Smart girl! Then she talked to me about our family relationships. She told me that most of her friends do not have parents who really invest in them, or are even deeply interested in them. At 18 the parents may pay tuition, but the general perception is that they are cut loose to live their lives, separate and apart. They do not talk about the important things in their lives, they do not expect to have a connected and intimate relationship ongoing. Why is that? I don’t really understand, but I am so grateful that she does see the possibilities of us continuing to share our lives in a way that matters. We are mother and daughter, and also friends and simply people who choose to share our lives in a meaningful way. I feel the same with our boys, and I know Grant does too. We are a family, but then there are various relationships within that. Grant and I have consciously nurtured these relationships, and supported the kids in valuing and nurturing theirs too. I love Grant’s closeness with our daughter. I love that the boys have their bonds, that the kids, apart from us, have their strong sibling connections. Some are stronger than others, of course, and we continue to see them change and grow over time.
I think a big part of this is that Grant and I have always seen the value in building our relationship, and then those with the kids, brick by brick, so to speak. Everything we do, we say, we experience, is part of what it is and how it will be shaped, over time. The moments, the good times, the fights, the heart aches…it is all a tapestry that makes up who we are and how we live. That is why it is so important to weave carefully and with awareness. The mistakes, the things said or done in anger, become a permanent part of the pattern, just as the good stuff does.
I try to remember this every day, to value them, the people, the moments, the opportunities to weave a pretty pattern rather than a jagged one. I am going to try to do better. Certainly God has His hand in this, it is not all up to me, but I do have much more power than I often remember. I am trying each day to make those choices carefully, with awareness. To tell those I love how I feel, to act in concert with that. To choose my bricks carefully and to lay them lovingly, and with care.
A Trip To Wal-mart
I want to thank each of you for your support and prayers. It has meant a lot, and even though I have not been posting, I do check in each day. The week has been beyond stressful, as my father has gone through 2 surgeries and remains stable but unresponsive in Intensive Care. Time will tell if there is further damage that is thus far undiagnosed, brain or spinal. My dad is a tough old guy, and as stubborn as they come, so I am hoping all that pays off now.
Grant has been with me every step of the way, and without his support, honestly, I have no idea how I would get through this. It is wonderful to feel the benefits of the relationship we have forged over the last few years, and to see how we can and do support each other, and that we can resist taking the stress out on each other. So many people vent their anger and stress towards their spouse, and we have been able to avoid falling back into that well worn and destructive pattern. We handle things differently these days, or try to, and that feels good.
There has not been a lot of spanking going on, but of course behind the scene it is always there. We only brought a few ‘pervertables’ in our haste, and given we were flying, and thus going through airport security. That meant the maintenance spanking early in the week was adequate, but a bit limited, and frankly I think Grant got more of a workout than he is accustomed to, poor guy. He had his work cut out for him without his trusted paddles to rely on! This was considered and discussed several times, and finally resulted in a trip to the local Wal-mart.
I will digress for a moment and admit that until this week, the man has NEVER heard a certain word associated with Dd or spanking. For the first year or so Grant relied on me to send him articles and forum posts that I thought were worth his time, and this one particular reference was deleted, replaced, avoided…religiously. Now some may consider this devious, or even call “foul” as it could be seen as evidence of the dreaded “topping from the bottom” syndrome. I have said, and will maintain, however, since Grant requested, and in fact insisted, that I use my own discretion…well I did just that! Case closed! If he wanted the unedited version he could have very well gone and found them himself, now couldn’t he?
Anyway, we walked the Wal-mart aisles looking for implements. He looked in sporting goods, and we found some sad looking ping pong paddles. He looked in the kitchen aisle and found wood spoons, but I reminded him that we have plenty at home. He looked in hair accessories and found an assortment of hairbrushes that were small, or plastic, or hollow. He started swinging spatulas in a menacing way and I got quite miffed. I mean who else but a spanko swings things just that way in the stores? I was not about to be outed at a West Palm Beach Wallmart! I finally gave in and said the dreaded word…”bath brush”. I needed to get him out of there! A friend had suggested that the Wal-mart version was usable, not “Vermin” but a satisfactory substitute, and I figured at this point, I was seriously in need. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So we traipsed off to the bath aisle, and unfortunately or fortunately, a matter of opinion I guess, there were no suitable bath brushes either. Finally Grant bought a small solid wood brush, maybe an inch think, which I will say did pack a wallop, especially given it’s small impact size I guess? But, at least it was not the dreaded bath brush.
So finally….after days of too much exhaustion to contemplate spanking, Thursday night we got the job done. Now why is it, do you think, that a gal would be really pretty calm and reasonable all week, through major stress, and then the minute she is bare and OTK, become what Grant called “mouthy”? I think it must have to do with knowing you need more than you want, and unconsciously making sure that it happens. It is the only thing I can figure. Of course you could always ask for what you need, but how unfun is that? And besides if you really don’t want what you need, because geez it does hurt a lot, then you don’t ask, because you might actually get what you ask for…if that makes any illogical sense at all?
Anyway, I guess he figured out what I needed and wanted were two very different things and he took the needed route…go figure. After trying to be nice, he ended up grabbing my hip with his left arm, and trapping my legs with his, thus immobilizing me, and managed to make that bamboo back scratcher and brush really count! Never underestimate a man on a mission.
Therapeutic spanking
Such a strange concept, but then again why not? I do know when I am stressed, spanking can help, when I am hormonal spanking can help, and when I am edgy spanking can help! So why wouldn’t spanking help when I am simply down? No reason. It did.
I suspect it is in the brain chemistry, which is less than static as I struggle through menopause. In Digits and Maryanne on Domestic Discipline there is an essay called Hormones Affecting Spanking. Digits gives a scientific explanation for how this works. I have no idea, with no medical/science background, if Digits’ theory is valid, but I do know that it works.
Usually, when I am past my spanking due date, have gone over the 4-5 day limit, I get edgy, and the attitude starts to creep in if I am not careful. If we have happened to forget that a spanking is due, we both realize soon. What is clear is that a spanking fixes what ails me. We have tracked it and learned that a spanking about 24 hours before my cycle begins really helps with the PMS…i.e. the hormones. I just I feel less frenetic and more settled…less “hormonal”!
So these past few weeks have just been difficult. As I have mentioned I am feeling pressured at work. Home is fine but busy, and then Grant and I have lots of extended family problems that are becoming more difficult. We both have elderly parents who both live 3000 miles away, and who are not only both in poor health but also difficult, needy and manipulative. As if teenagers weren’t enough, now we have the parents to deal with too! It has just gotten to me and I have been down. Not big time depressed but clearly not quite myself, either.
To make matters worse, somehow last week we missed maintenance. Kid and work things came up and 4 days turned to 5 and then 6. The typical edginess never appeared, but instead I was just blue. It started to feel like I hardly cared whether we went through our ritual spanking or not. I say ritual because the way we do maintenance is very routine and we go through the motions whether we need it or not, feel like it not, want it or not. We just do it because it is part of what defines and supports the DD marriage, the commitments, and reinforces the dynamic. I think a lot of times you are not so aware of that in the moment, but there has to be a decision to ‘just do it’ anyway.
So though I was un-enthused, we ‘just did it’. I told Grant how I was feeling, and of course, he knew it anyway. Apparently, he decided that a very rigorous spanking was the ticket to mental health. Most maintenance spankings he goes through our entire inventory. He might spank for an hour. This time he did all that and added in his new find, a bamboo back scratcher. I am thinking it was sort of like a cane? Solid bamboo, long, flat and it made an impressive whoosh when he was using it hard. Not wonderful, but as far as I am concerned not as bad as that awful olive wood spoon he is so partial to! He had me begging and close to tears towards the end. Tears are rare when I am not being punished. I felt it for two days too…not bruised but a bit sore.
But, here’s the thing…my spirits did lift. The problems did not change or the stress at work. Nothing changed but something indefinable inside. All in all, I would rather be sore than sad! In fact I would rather be sore than mad, aggravated, frustrated or unhappy. Weird, huh? Maybe that is what makes me a spanko, or maybe it is that we have discovered a new (old) route to mental health. I am just glad it works, and can’t wait for Friday! TGIF has taken on a new meaning here!
Consequences and Discipline
Consequences and discipline. In DD circles we usually think of punishment when we hear these words. Something else has been on my mind this week, another way of thinking about things.
I missed being here this week. I apologize for not posting. My work has gotten very demanding and I barely had time to breathe let alone post. I am spearheading the opening of a new department. It is intense, consuming and is definitely interfering with my cyber life! It also impacts my marriage, my family and my general stress level, thus my health. It is not to the point where it is an overall negative, but the potential is there if I am not watchful. I am watching, and Grant, of course, is too.
All of this has caused me to think about my choices recently, and to reflect on the fact that everything we do and do not do, whether we realize it or not, involves choice. A year or so ago, I had decided to slow down at work, to be able to spend more time focusing on my marriage and kids. At the same time, I began to launch a new project at work that is taking me in the opposite direction. It was my choice to do that and I do not truly regret it. I feel compelled to do what I am doing, but it also makes me ever more aware that I have to plan my time and my priorities carefully, if I want to live the kind of life and have the kind of marriage I want.
Where there is an action, there will be a reaction: Newton’s law of physics. It is true and yet most of us choose not to think clearly about the choices we make, nor do we take responsibility for them, or even see that we have those choices sometimes. I need to be watchful to maintain my balance on many levels. I need to be focused at work, but also focus on my health. I need to remember to take care of myself. What I eat affects my body in a certain way, regardless of whether I choose to acknowledge that. It just is. This food causes that physical response. I get fat, lose bone strength, have a blood sugar fluctuation, or I eat in such a way to make my body function well. There is no emotion involved, but rather science. I can exercise and keep fit, or not…support my health or not.
The stress and the extended time spent at work effects my marriage. It has an effect whether I want it to or not. So I need to acknowledge that, and remember that I can choose to continue to prioritize us. I must. It is what Grant and I committed to, and also what we understand is needed to feed a healthy marriage. A few days ago, dressed and ready to leave for work, I walked by the bedroom and realized I had not made the bed. This is something that Grant asked me to do daily, months ago, and a small thing I try to do to be cognizant of what helps to make him feel that our space and hence, in a small symbolic way, or lives, are in order. I put down my keys and took the 3 minutes to make it, and began to think about discipline. In some ways DD is just about imposing an order to your lives.
Most of the discipline in our Domestic Discipline marriage is self-discipline. Not making the bed is not a punishable offense. It is something I do because I understand how it makes Grant feel. I do it for him and for us. I understand that we can choose, over and over each day, how we will live our lives, what the tone of our marriage will be. I want a level of commitment, contentment, and interaction and there are things Grant and I can do to create that…or not. Unlike a child who needs discipline imposed, whether they understand or not, there is really no aspect of our DD marriage that involves discipline imposed, in the form of punishment or otherwise, that I do not understand or agree to. I am an active adult participant. A child does not participate in the disciplinary process with their parent, except as the passive player. I think a good solid DD marriage requires two active players.
The recognition of consequences, real life consequences, cuts both ways. Neither of us believes our marriage is one of male dominance because Grant, as the man, is more capable. I know there are people who think like that, but we do not. I am just as smart and capable. I have obligations, as does he, and we both face consequences. Grant also has to balance work to not adversely affect our marriage. He also has to understand, or not, that what he eats, his self care, how he lives will affect his health and thus our marriage. His behaviors can bolster or tear down the peace between us. Those consequences are part of life. The only difference is that Grant protects me by imposing smaller consequences for me before the bigger ones can get me. I have that luxury and he does not. I remind him, just as he does me, if I see him doing something that I feel will have adverse consequences. Then it is up to him how he will handle the issues.
All that being said, I think the point is that DD has led us to be mindful, to be aware. We have structured our marriage by rules of life that require us to try to challenge ourselves to look at ourselves and our lives clearly, and to do our best to take responsibility for the choices we make.
I guess the bottom line is continuing to develop that mindfulness. Working to see myself clearly, and trying to do and not do what ever I can to foster positives and avoid negatives. Self discipline seems to be the key, and then I am lucky to have Grant as my back up, when my self discipline fails, and I can and do lean on him. I am hoping to not have to do too much leaning in the coming months…but we’ll see.
What My Daughter Shared
What a wonderful weekend! Our 19 daughter went away to college last August, six hours away. It was hard to see our little girl pack up and begin to make a life for herself away from us. It is still hard actually. I miss seeing her every day and miss her sharing her life on a daily basis. We IM a lot, and phone occasionally, but of course, it is not quite the same.
The trade off is seeing our girl grow into a young woman. She is amazing. Smart, lovely, thoughtful and self possessed. She has friends, activities and is jazzed about her studies. What a delight she was, and the opportunity to spend time with her was precious.
Now to the one small DD related piece of this post. Saturday afternoon we were talking about things, and got into relationships, my marriage, and how it was and is. I told her that for us, for Grant and I, I regret not a moment of the bad times. There were many, but they ultimately led us to where we are now, which is a wonderful place. It was the price we paid. I also told her my one persistent regret is that we also dragged the kids through that process. I will always regret the price they had to pay. We did the best we could, always, but we hurt them by us not having our act more together as a married couple. She said “Mom, I just do not feel traumatized by that. What I think I am more affected by is that I see my parents with a marriage that my friends’ parents don’t have. Our home is peaceful, and you guys really have a very loving and unique relationship. That is what I see.”
What a gift she gave me by telling me that. Maybe I can begin to let myself off the hook, just a little, for what we were not able to be and do for our kids. It also made me aware, again, how what Grant and I do between us, and for our marriage…the domestic discipline…is not just for us, but for our kids, and for our family. It effects them now, their future marriages, maybe their children one day, as well.
Sobering.
