The Nature of Domestic Discipline
Dear Sara,
The following is my response to Nandita’s entry about DD:
Dear Nandita,
It is with utmost respect that I respond to your uninformed comments on DD. I hold my spouse in the highest esteem; I would never lower myself to ask her to “fetch a spoon” or any of the degrading other activities you imagine goes on in a DD relationship. On the contrary, my most trusted advisor is my lovely and highly intelligent wife. We share mutual respect that is unparalled.
What you have missed is that the dynamic of the power exchange simply allows us each to be true to our inner natures and to express our passionate and sacred love as who we were born to be – a masculine man and a feminine woman. We are equals, but our own natures are different. That we have the power to express those natures fully is our right, duty, and pleasure to do.
Grant
Now, I do want to expound on this a bit:
That most people who do not live in DD relationships should assume or imagine what happens within those relationships is very understandable. However, it is our wish to correct any mistaken attitudes and uninitiated views of what actually occurs between a woman and a man in a DD relationship. Should we get angry, irritated or upset, and rebuke the person in a negative manner, would be inappropriate. What we want is for them to be open to really understanding the relationship values that occur.
That said, I would like to suggest that in today’s world with all the confused people listening to so many pieces of distorted information about how to live, from childhood into adulthood, we must always be aware of and listen to our inner voices which do know instinctively what it is we need and want in the pursuit of happiness.
I know that having a relationship in these overwhelming times is very difficult. However, being lucky enough to have a spouse who found a way for us to really connect, and to be able to express our deepest instinctual natures in a safe and loving way – for me, being a dominant, take control and get-the-job-done kind of man, and her –although very powerful as a personality, but with a feminine nature beautiful to behold and gentle and loving – for us to put these two in a unified relationship meant that we had to recognize each other’s deepest, most primitive natures, and allow the expression and acceptance of each.
Millions of years of psychological and emotional development went into the making of feminine and masculine natures. To expect men to jump from that nature in a few generations is uncompromisingly a mistaken notion. To expect women to become more like men is just another mistaken notion. However, when two people go into the world and function as individuals in their different spheres, performing their duties and activities according to need, there has to be a place where they both can become more naturally centered in a loving relationship free of the battles of everyday life.
This is the function of the DD relationship. It is a place where mature men and women can appropriately return to a more natural state, free of the pressing requirements of a civilization gone absolutely crazy. In keeping with human nature, there is no mystery to feminine and masculine attributes, or the expression of those most basic instincts. When birds make nests and raise chicks, there is a division of labor–there are no arguments, divorces, or crazy behavior. Most animals do not have to practice to become true to their natures. They are not burdened with the proverbial Apple of Knowledge that inhibits their natural instincts with thinking.
I believe we all need to find a way to listen more to our true inner nature, as well as look at and respect the inner nature of our partner. We would do well, really, to be more like natural creatures in our relationships, true to our repressed inner selves.
Just a few thoughts,
Grant
Shall We Dance?
Two days ago ‘anonymous’ left this comment on my blog:
http://nsaikia.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/choosing-vulnerability/
wondering what your thoughts on this are?
Dear Anonymous,
It is clear to me that you miss the essence of a Domestic Discipline relationship. It is not only completely consensual, but it MUST be, to not be Domestic Violence. Most women that I know in DD relationships initiated that aspect. In mainstream American society it is assumed that both marriage partners are not only equal, but have equal power. Personally I believe this is one part of the 50% divorce rate. There is no country that has two leaders of equal power, no successful business that has two CEOs. They would spend all their time arguing within their ranks rather than moving themselves forward in the world. So it is with marriage. One partner must have the tie breaking vote. In my marriage WE together agreed that it would be my husband.
I do happen to believe that a male led marriage follows the natural way of things. I did not think that for most of my life, but my views have changed. Men are more dominant, more aggressive, naturally. That does not mean that women do not have dominance or aggression in them. If you go to Jung’s theory of anima and animus, some of this is explained. We have both masculine ands feminine energies within us, but women tend to be more receptive. If you simply look at procreation, men act, women receive. It all follows from there, I believe.
This does not mean, however, that women are inferior, or less than, in any way. They are a piece of the puzzle, just like men are. Unlike the descriptions in your post of abusive relationships, in a health DD marriage (like any healthy relationship) mutual respect is paramount. My husband does most of the cooking in our household. He is as likely to get me a cup of coffee as I am to bring it to him. We respect and care for each other. We each have areas of strength. One of mine is in financial matters, one of his is in organizational planning. We talk, we collaborate, and when we cannot agree, I concede to his judgment. That happens a lot less than you might think, but when it does, it is sometimes a momentary upset, and then always a relief that we can get on the same page, and move on together, and in harmony.
As for women needing to ask their husbands before they make plans. I do that. It is part of functioning as a couple, being part of each other’s lives, and putting that relationship above all others. I am sure it might be aggravating to others at times, especially a single friend. Personally, one of the reasons I appreciate my DD women friends is that we understand that for all of us, our marriages come first. Making this kind of commitment is required to have the kind of wonderfully loving and vibrant marriage that most if us are lucky enough to have. By the way, my husband usually checks with me before he makes social engagements as well. We both put our relationship first.
You are right in thinking that the strength of the DD marriage is in the intimacy, which does rely in part on vulnerability to achieve. The partners must open themselves to each other. They decide that being one, is more important than being for themselves, being right, having things their way. It takes a tremendous amount of work, self control, and sacrifice. In my opinion the benefits are huge. It is not an issue, as you conclude, in giving up responsibility for yourself. Rather it is the opposite. DD requires one taking more responsibility. There are agreed upon rules of conduct in the marriage, if you break one, it is dealt with. It is much like living in a society with laws. Does having laws, and consequences, make citizens less responsible? No, it makes them accountable. So many people drift through their lives, and their marriages, not realizing how their behaviors impact their own lives and that of their partners. In a DD marriage, you need to look at yourself, your partner, communicate and be accountable.
I think there are many workable marriage models. I am sure DD is not for everyone. I would like to use an analogy to try to describe what we do and why it works. Shall we dance? There is ‘fast’ dancing and ‘slow’ dancing. Fast dancing allows the couple to be in sync with each other, to relate, and yet each dances their own way, with their own sense of rhythm, and what one does only vaguely impacts the other. There can be good energy between the dance partners or they can almost ignore each other, just like many marriages out there. Then there is slow dancing. The partners must connect and dance in rhythm together, because they hold each other close . If not, they would need to pull away or get tangled. To dance with that kind of connection, as if they are one, they must be organized, and inter-dependant. This requires that one lead and one follow. Slow dancing is much more intimate. To gracefully move across a dance floor, the woman must allow herself to be led, and the man must take the lead, always being careful of her safety, her comfort, and letting her lean on him. Comparing DD to DV is like comparing a fast tango to a man grabbing a woman and dragging her across the floor. They may look similar, but it is the willing and intentional partnership that makes all the difference.
One last point, to understand I think you have to separate out the spanking, what you call the “violence”, from the Domestic Discipline. There are DD couples who do not engage in spanking. Very few, but they do exist. There are far many more people who engage in spanking for erotic reasons than as an aspect of a DD relationship. I cannot go into all the reasons people ‘like’ spanking. A little research will give you all sorts of information. What I will take issue with is that spanking, be it for erotic or disciplinary reasons is violence. Is it a violation? Not to me. I asked for this. The entire package, DD, erotic spanking and disciplinary spanking, resonates for me and my husband deeply. It works, we are happy, in love and I assure you, emotionally healthy, as well.
As it happens I was not spanked as a child. I was never emotionally abused. I grew up in a solid upper middle class household, I have been to college and graduate school, I am the CEO of a business, and I make more money than my husband does. I am also a spanked wife in a DD marriage….go figure!
I Hope this helps, Sara
Our Perfect Day
Grant and I have been apart a lot, and will continue to be through the Spring. One of the things we try to do is to really take time to be together when we can. Since he is only home Monday night through Thursday night this week, I took a half day from work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday was really nice. I worked until Noon and then came home and made a quick change into jeans, and we headed out together.
There is a little town near us that is an artisan’s community built in the 1800’s, on a river, filled with boutiques and restaurants, and very charming. That was our destination. It was a beautiful Spring day, 75 degrees and sunny, a bit breezy, and flowers and trees in riotous bloom. The drive is about ten minutes from our house, and we passed yellow forsythia, soft pink weeping cherry trees, bright pink crab apples, azaleas, beds of tulips and daffodils.
We parked and happened immediately upon a fairly new restaurant that had a patio overlooking the river. We liked the menu and thought we would check it out. It was wonderful. We were seated right on the rail by the water where we could see a few children with bread crumbs playing with the ducks and geese gathered there. We also watched a mama wild duck with 14 little fuzzy brown babes, so small they could not have been more than a day or two old. We both had Hanks diet root beer, and Grant had a steak and Caesar salad, while I had a lunch salad with pecans, goat cheese and smoked salmon, with a citrus dressing. Wow, was that good!
After lunch we walked past my favorite coffee place, Starbucks, to get my favorite latte, and Grant his coffee with a shot of espresso. It was right near the bridge and we went across to the tow path on the other side and took a leisurely walk, sipping coffee, holding hands, talking, and just enjoying the beauty of the homes, the woods and the river. We saw more baby goslings, and then a moma and brood of baby snapping turtles sunning as well. Very cool! After a while I told Grant I would like to turn back, if that was Ok with him. It was. On the way back, I asked what we should do next. He answered he was going to go home and spank his wife! Ok then! When we pulled in the driveway he told me I had 15 minutes to get ready. He would meet me in the bedroom.
We walked in the house to our sons. The younger one was on his way up to his room to go on the computer, the older one on his way out with his girlfriend to the nearby state park. There was mail on the table that I had left for Grant, and being himself, he just had to stop and open it, didn’t he? In seconds the day went from lovely to less than. He came across a medical bill for $4700.00 that the insurance company had denied. I am sure this must be some error, but he was hearing none of it. He was upset, and then quickly went from upset to angry as he insisted that somehow I was supposed to have taken care of this, and he gave the same bill to me “months ago” and on and on. I told him I had never had that bill, he said “Yes, I gave it to you.” Then it went to, “You were online chatting when I gave it to you. I remember!” Why do all roads seem to lead to my online time? Does that happen in your house? I am just not one to say “yes dear”, when I have not done something. He was mostly saying he was angry that I was saying he never gave it to me, and he was insisting he had. Finally, he yelled and banged the table with his hand…loud! My son’s girlfriend, the poor girl, ran up the stairs away from the scene…I am sure she was scared. Grant has never had a clue how his anger comes across. I swear the man puts on five inches when he puffs up like that! He scowls, growls, gets loud, and would never hurt a flea (well except with an implement) but she doesn’t know that yet. Later he told me “Eh, she wasn’t scared. She knows I am Italian! What does she expect?”
To say I was miffed is an understatement. I told him, with a raised voice (had to be heard over Mr. Italian) that he was wrong. He did not like that one bit. I also told him his behavior was “unacceptable” and if I acted like that when I was angry I would be “in trouble”! Ok, so do I sound like a cowed and overly dominated woman? We both speak our minds, and we both have standards we have agreed upon, and we both slip up at times, too. Grant is not one to turn on a dime, and when he is revved up he takes time to settle. Like many people he also takes time to realize and admit when he has been wrong. I figured I better take myself out of the room before bad went to worse and I needed to bean him with a frying pan! I left saying “I am going into the bedroom and don’t you come in there!” Now no one locks anyone out of the bedroom in our house, and I do not usually give Grant orders, but we needed space, and if he thought he was following up THAT act with our scheduled maintenance, he had another thing coming!
I went in and laid on the bed, and plotted his demise. Then I tried to calm myself, and then I thought about the fact that he just simply lost it for a few minutes. He has been so stressed, tired, traveling, and it happens…but what a lousy way to end such a nice day. We didn’t need that! Ten minutes later, when Grant came in he stood by the bed, looking at my back turned and said “What are you doing?” “I answered “I am laying here.” “I thought I told you to get ready for maintenance.” “I don’t think so.” “What?” “You owe me an apology!” “Sara, you would not admit you were wrong that I did give you that paper and you did nothing with it!” “Grant, I have no memory of you giving me that bill. However, whatever happened, you yelling and banging the table, scaring that girl, embarrassing, me…it is just not acceptable!” It went back and forth, did not get resolved, and he just went back to “Go get ready.” and I, not moving, answered “You owe me an apology.” He looked at me, said in that commanding tone “Five minutes!” and left the room.
OK, what to do, what to do? I was angry he yelled and banged, a bit hurt he was blaming me, embarrassed that the girlfriend saw us arguing, and really did not feel open to a spanking that would require me submitting to him right now, especially him addressing any small issues he might have with my behavior. I got up and got ready. Why? Because it is what I have agreed to do, the dynamic we live by. Because the larger picture is we love each other, he is in charge, he decides when he spanks and my emotional feelings about that at any given moment do not change the commitment. Sometimes I need the feelings to be in place to make the actions work smoothly, but I have learned that going through the motions, can allow the feelings to follow. In other words, very simply, sometimes the whole physical, ritualized act of spanking allows the emotions to slip back in place in a way that talking, arguing, fussing does not.
As I got ready, processing all this, still miffed but moving in the right direction, I saw those bright pink hearts Grant had put all over our room for Valentine’s Day. They are still there as I enjoy seeing them! I picked out four of them that seemed apropos for the moment and I got back into bed, wearing just a pajama top, with two hearts stuck to my back. They said: “Your dark eyes are worlds to me!” and “I cannot express in words my love!” When he walked in he asked “Sara, what is this?” I rolled over towards him to see a twinkle in his eye, and then he saw the hearts on the front: “I found my soul mate in you!” and “My dream come true – you!” What could he do but smile?
He looked at me and said “And I really do love you, always!” “I know.” I answered. He set up the bed, sat with his back against the headboard and told me to come over his lap. I did, and as we continued the discussion with much less heat, I told him again, that I had no memory of getting this bill, but whomever’s memory is worse, his or mine, I needed him to apologize for the way he acted. There was a silence, as he was spanking with the leather paddle for a warm up. I said “We had such a nice day, and now this! What are you going to do about this?” Spank, spank, spank, “I am going to apologize, then spank the heck out of you, and then show you how much I really do love you!”
Yep, a perfect day!
Uh Oh!
1930’s Vintage Ebony Hairbrush
This is what can happen when I am left alone. Last weekend Grant went to Atlanta with our younger son for the National High School Chess Championships. They won a team trophy, btw! My older son spent a lot of time out with his girlfriend, and I spent a lot of time in my pajamas, on line, reading, gardening, napping…having a great ME weekend. All good! It was truly what I needed.
So somewhere in the weekend I happened to venture onto Ebay. Haven’t shopped on Ebay in ages, actually. And then, while there, in between looking at garden fountains and antiques, I must have looked at spanking implements. Why you might ask? Who knows. That is just what spankos do.
So there was this really nice looking Ebony hairbrush. “Authentic”, “In mint condition”, “Large”, “Heavy”, “Flat backed”…yeah… “Insane”!
So..I bid, I mean just for fun. You never really “win” these things, you know?
I won.
Grant knows and he thinks we need it.
I cannot renege on the offer to the seller.
The check goes in the mail tomorrow.
What ever was I thinking?
Parenting and Domestic Discipline
Parenting teens and adult children is obviously very different than parenting the little ones. I had no clue what a challenge it would be. I love it. I love that we are close with our kids, that they keep us in their lives, that they give us the opportunity to continue to parent them. Truthfully, the teaching opportunities are just as frequent as they ever were. The difference is that there are bigger challenges, problems and life decisions to be made.
In some ways I think we should just step back, let them sort out their own lives. I surely do feel we need to respect them as (almost) adults, and allow them to make their own mistakes. On the other hand, if we can offer advice that will benefit them, save them from some of the pitfalls we experienced, and if they are willing to hear us, that seems obviously the right thing to do.
Our oldest son is 21 and in a very serious relationship. In fact, he and his girlfriend are moving in together this August. Is this the one? I think so. I am not sure because they are not sure. But I think so. In the meantime there are relationship issues, as there always are, and as I watch them, I am frequently reminded of our beginnings, Grant’s and mine. The fun stuff…the stupid stuff. I was so young (21 when we met, 22 when we moved in together) and these kids are so young (20 and 21). How do they manage with the lack of relationship skills, the immaturity, and the lack of self awareness of a person that age? How did we do it? We bumbled through and so will they. But they do and have asked for help. It is interesting to me to watch myself offering them that from a very different perspective than I would have 5 years ago.
Last weekend the kids had some sort of argument over the phone while she was driving over to our house. I saw my son walk into the kitchen and heard him say “Women are nuts!” So, of course, I asked what was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that they had been talking on their cells, she said something, he said something, she got angry, he has no clue why, and she then said “You are a real A**hole!” He asked what the matter with her was. He got no explanation, and they got off the phone. He was aggravated and confused. Said he really did not know what he had said to make her angry. I told him that they needed to talk, and he needed to find out, but in the meantime, I suggested he tell her that the name calling was just unacceptable. At one point he said “Well what am I supposed to do about it? She freaks out sometimes and just gets irrational!” Well you know part of me could not believe that I wanted to tell him to spank the daylights out of her! Of course I did not. What I did say was “Honey, it is up to you to set the boundaries.” “Why is it up to me?” he asked. I said, “As the man, you are the leader in the relationship.” He said “Mom that is hogwash!” I shrugged “OK, but I believe it is up to you to set the tone, to draw the lines. To tell her when what she does is unacceptable. The patterns the two of you set now might be with you for the rest of the relationship.” He did not answer, but a few minutes later on I heard him on the phone with her. He told her they needed to have a talk when she got here. His tone was serious. A few days later he told me sat her down and looked straight into her eyes, with a totally serious expression, and said “Cursing at me and name calling is flat out not acceptable. I will not have it.” He said she must have got it, because she looked a bit surprised, but said nothing, just digested his words and seemed to accept it.
I was really proud of him. I was also really surprised at myself. What kind of self respecting feminist tells her son to set the boundaries because he is the man? I was the Mom who bought my son a doll and my daughter the ‘boys’ happy meal, because she did not want the Barbie but the car. What can I be thinking, to guide my kids towards male leadership in the home? I am not sure, but it worked for us. I feel fulfilled as an educated career woman and as a woman who lives with a male HoH. They just want to find a way to be happy, to make their relationship work. So did we…how could I not tell them?
I read on New Beginnings recently about PK’s thoughts about talking to her daughter about the idea of HoH. That is tricky stuff too. She says she is afraid to tell her daughter to offer that kind of power to her man, because after all, what kind of man would he be, really? Can he be trusted? That makes sense to me. I for sure would not do so early on, until she is moving towards more serious relationships. However, on the other hand, I am thinking that I want to advise my daughter to make sure she finds the kind of man who can be trusted. I want her to realize she is looking for a leader, a man who can captain their ship through the storms of life, not one who goes below deck and leaves her there to find her own safe harbor in a storm. If she doesn’t know what she has to look for, how can she make a good choice? She needs to be competent, confident and self sufficient, and then find a man worth offering her self to, someone she feels she can trust to follow. I want her to have the feeling of not being so alone in the world. I want her to have it all!
I realize now that I instinctively knew. I did not know just what I was looking for, but some part of me knew, no matter what else happened, what problems we had, that Grant was the kind of man who would keep me safe, would protect me, and would take care of me. Before I understood that was what I needed, I always knew that he was solid underneath and I could trust him in a storm to bring me to safety.
So I will not talk to my son about spanking. Neither of us are ready for that conversation, and I am thinking I never will be! Maybe, at some point, Grant will have a man to man with his son. He obviously is at least into erotic spanking, but they are no where near ready for discipline, nor would I want us to be the ones who mention Domestic Discipline to them. Grant has his own ideas. I just have very mixed feelings. On the one hand it saved our marriage. DD saves many relationships. Why would I not offer that information to our children? On the other hand, OMG, I do NOT want them knowing I am spanked!
I do realize, however, just like my mother taught me that my success and independence should the most important things to me, I need to teach my children that love and harmony, respect and integrity are the most important things in a marriage. I believe I now feel secure enough in my knowledge of what has, in fact, turned our lives around, to offer that model of marriage to my children. To give them a fighting chance to maybe find the joy and contentment Grant and I have in our lives
Acting Out
When Grant got home Thursday we went out for dinner with the kids, and then home for a spanking. We both knew it was desperately needed, for stress, to reconnect, and just because. What we did not know was that I would be in a little bit of trouble. I am usually pretty good at paying attention to the things I need to, but sometimes, that subconscious mind of mine does a fine job of hiding the truth from me. We all do it. We see what we want to see and know what we want to know, and when we act on those impulses, blind to the underlying realities, that is called ‘acting out’.
Grant left me with a job to do while he was away, as he most often does. This is very routine for us. He prioritizes certain things he wants done, and I do them. They are usually not a big deal, and usually things I agree need to be done, but it helps me to focus on getting them done, and he feels his priorities are understood. This time I was upset he was leaving, upset he would be gone as long as he would, and just upset in general. I think I must have been a little bit angry as well. I decided that the job did not need to be done, and instead I would do another. I reasoned that his priority was not the ‘right’ one and this other thing needed to be done first, and so that was going to be what happened. And besides, he was gone, and I was on my own, so FINE, in his absence, I would make an executive decision!
What is interesting is this was barely in my awareness. I just sort of went through this thought process the morning after he left, and in my mind the matter was settled, and I did not think about it again. I did not call him and discuss it with him, I did not think I had done anything wrong, and I did not anticipate it being an issue, until I was OTK during maintenance and he asked me if I had done what he told me to. This is a bad place to be when the realization hits, as he also just so happened to have a large olive wood spoon in his hand at the time, and he was not pleased with me at all!
When he asked I simply said “No”, with a shrug, basically. When he asked why, I explained that I thought I should do something else, that is did not make sense to do what he asked, and that I had just decided to do otherwise. Slowly, it dawned on me, that maybe this was not the best choice. I am sure his scolding and that darn spoon helped me see the light, too! I do hate that spoon. It can truly be wicked! Grant explained that while I might have not agreed that the job needed to be done (and I don’t still) that was not the point at all. The point is that he makes the decisions, and if I disagree I can say so, but not following his instructions and just doing my own thing is not the way we live. He also told me he was disappointed. That hurt too, almost as much as the spoon, which he followed up with the cocobola paddle just to be sure I really heard the message of who was, in fact, in charge. Ouch and ouch!
What surprised me was simply that I did this, being so unaware…that I allowed myself to act out in this way. The job was really no big deal, but just not doing it, and not saying anything, was a clear message that I was pulling away from him and our DD agreements big time. Little bits of disrespect or defiance can be the tip of the ice berg. They show underlying currents that are best taken care of before they surface and the problems are harder to deal with. I guess I needed to see and feel that whatever else was going on, Grant would rein me in, and show me he was in charge. That is a good thing!
Soft-Shelled Crabs
Wow, are disconnects awful. We used to have fights. That is not so much the case anymore, because one or the other of us just does not let it go there. This is a good thing, and I am looking hard for the bright spots tonight!
This disconnect was a culmination of extreme stress and bad timing; my stress and his timing. The first of several court dates occurred this morning regarding the guardianship of my Dad. Let me just say it was awful! I have just been so very sad, and offended, too. One of the things I was asked to agree to, by the wife’s lawyer was, as his trustee, to not transfer any money out of my Dad’s trust account unless it is for his care. I told my attorney, “You mean they want me to promise I will not embezzle money or use my power of attorney illegally?” He laughed and said “Yes, that about covers it!” I guess I can agree to that. The whole thing is just degrading, but this is a fight I cannot walk away from, as much as part of me wants to. It is for my Dad, and I promised him. If not me, then who?
Most of the problem is that this is just a really hard time for me. If these were normal times, I would be a little upset about Grant being gone, but not rattled. Now I am truly rattled. And I truly do not like feeling this way. I want to be stronger. He left Monday night for another business trip, and was to be home Wednesday. He called me last night to go over our schedules for the next two weeks, and informed me he will actually need to come home Thursday, in time to get to his Thursday class. He will come home for dinner, leave 6 am Friday to teach all day. He will be home for Friday dinner and then leaves Saturday to go to Atlanta for our son’s chess competition. He will be back home Monday afternoon. Phew!
He stays home through Wednesday, and then repeats it. He teaches Thurs and Friday, but now he will leave right from work on Friday and be away another 4-5 nights. So let’s see…this week we will have 2 nights together, and then the next week 4, and then he is gone again. I got upset with him on the phone, and then he got upset with me for being upset. I was not able to explain, in the moment, all the feelings…that I am scared and feeling alone. I am overwhelmed, and afraid I will not be able to handle it all without him. I hate that I feel so needy, too. Doesn’t he know that? Can’t he tell without me spelling it all out for him? No.
Sigh, a ‘Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus’ moment, I guess. My women friends get it immediately. They know without being told that when we get overwhelmed we simply need to know you are there, that when we get scared we are not going to say so. That if you give us the slightest inking of an idea of rejection, that you are unwilling to be there for us, if there is even a hesitation, we will take that and run with because we are so hurt, and because it is what we are secretly most afraid of. Then we will withdraw, shut down, take our wounded pride and go as far away emotionally as we can. When you ask what is wrong we will say “nothing”. Why do we answer nothing? Because we feel at some level that you have already rejected us, and we are too hurt to make ourselves any more vulnerable than we already feel. Some of us will go so far as to strike out and act angry. Isn’t the best defense a good offense? Under my anger is almost always hurt.
This time the hurt outweighed the anger. I have worked hard to learn to separate out hurt from anger, and try to not strike out anymore. I actually told Grant I was hurt. Yay for me! But then comes the next Mars/Venus moment. Sometimes guys seem to feel guilty when they cannot be there to take care of you, and if you express being NOT OK, and they cannot fix it, then they sometimes get miffed with you! Why is that? I have no clue, not being a Martian. All I know is my Martian’s less than satisfactory response to my angst made for 24 hours of pain for us both.
The wonderful part of a DD marriage is the connection. The awful part is how much you feel it when that connection gets lost. I was relieved to hear Grant tell me on the phone today that he was unable to concentrate on getting any work done. Sorry, but I will admit I was. I just do not want to be the only one suffering here! I felt like he was pushing me away. He says that is my interpretation and assures me I was pushing him away. I don’t know. It sure felt like being pushed away to me, and I know I heard my doors closing all day, too. I hate that. I do not want to close myself to him. I truly do not, and I know he hates it too. But sometimes it just hurts too darn much to stay that open. Battening down the hatches in a storm seems reasonable to me. The source of this storm remains the only confusing question.
I think one of the things that happens in this sort of dynamic, Domestic Discipline, is that we women work hard to strip off the hard shell, to expose the softer, feminine, and submissive side. That makes us open, accessible and vulnerable. Our guys can touch and hurt us so much more easily than those women who maintain their hard external shells. There are hard-shell and soft-shell crabs. Submissive women eventually strip down to their soft-shells. I wonder if you Martians in DD relationships realize the power you have? I hate feeling needy. I do not want to be a burden, a job. I do not want Grant to have to take care of me unless he is 110% wanting to, and yet, by necessity, if I stop wearing my protective shell, then I do need his protection. And it cannot be an on again off again thing, either. When I feel a breeze, let alone gale winds, and if in some way shape or form he is not there, I can get worried. Suddenly I feel too exposed, and where is he, my protector, anyway? I go right back to wondering if maybe I will need to protect myself, and yes, the doors start slamming closed, and the shell gets ready to harden.
I will have to say that Grant is blessed with the gift of consistency. But our lives are chaotic and he travels a lot. The life stresses are off the charts right now, and I think we will need to do some talking about how to handle things better going forward, in this time of separation and stress. The good news here is that after a rough 24 hours, we have worked things out. We understand each other a bit better tonight, and tomorrow night he will finally be home with me.
Our 23rd Anniversary
Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. It is so hard to imagine being together that long, let alone the 28 years we have been a couple. Where have the years gone? We spent them loving and fighting, and growing; making babies and seeing them grow, losing and finding each other again.
All I know is I am grateful. I have never been happier in my life. Truly, our union has become the source off all good things in my world. I love you, Honey.
That seems so trite. There should be something more to express what I feel, and yet, there it is, very simply…I love you!
Smoking Hookah!
We did something really different and fun Friday night. I had a hot date…my usual Friday night date with Grant. My husband was going to take me out for ribs and a movie, but last minute our 21 year old son asked “Mom, would you guys like to double date tonight?” How cute is that? I called Grant at work, he agreed, and we switched plans and went along with my son and his girl to a Moroccan restaurant and Hookah bar they had already planned.
The atmosphere was exotic and beautiful, and the food excellent. We sat around a round brass table on cushioned sofas, and as they only serve a 7 course feast on Fridays, that was what we ate. The food is eaten family style and with your fingers, but forks were supplied for the less adventurous. It seemed to be a cross between Middle Eastern and Indian in flavor, not too spicy, and just amazingly delicious! We watched belly dancing as we ate, and wow was that cool! Of course made waaay too many comments about me learning to belly dance, and how he wanted to get an outfit for me, and I am sure he could envision himself as the sultan commanding his dance. He also was happy to explain that belly dancing was all about the core exercises. I swear, if I hear one more time about ‘core’ exercises’ I will scream! I told him to “Dream on!” and he said “We’ll discuss this later!” which is his warning to cut it out. Yeah…well how about not! If he gets that outfit, he can wear the darn thing!
Anyway…after the meal we were served spiced tea, baklava, and our son ordered a Hookah for us. For those who don’t know that is a water pipe, with a long hose and mouth piece attached, and you smoke a special tobacco through it. The hose is passed around the table while the water pipe sits in the middle. He ordered an apricot blend, and it was wonderful! I do not smoke, but did a very long time ago. This tasted nothing like cigarettes. It was light, smooth, cool and flavorful…delicious!
Our son is newly part of a semi-committed couple. I say “semi” because there are no marriage plans, but they are moving into their own apartment this summer. It is a very new experience for us as parents! Seeing him as belonging to someone else, welcoming her into our family slowly, and watching their developing relationship. I suspect she will be my daughter in law one day, the mother of my grandchildren. I want to have a good and close relationship with them both, and they are fast becoming a unit. I like her. I really do. Even with the tattoos and piercing…yeah, well I don’t like them, but I do like her. For the first time of Friday afternoon she and I spent a few hours together, at Lowe’s, picking out linoleum and paint for their new apartment. We were both a little careful at first, but it got easier. I think we will be friends.
Watching them develop is a whole other thing, and watching myself watch them, seeing the mistakes, wanting to give them advice without meddling is hard. Grant does not think I should meddle…but I am a Mom, ya know? There are still teaching opportunities to be had, and just because he is 21 and she is 20, does not mean they are all done growing. Hopefully they will be growing all their lives. I see him wrestling with the power dynamic, and how he thinks things should be. Who did know what was what at 21?
There is also the sneaking suspicion I have that my son is a spanko. Phew…I know! How weird is that to think about? As far as I know, my kids know nothing about the spanking. They do know about the idea of HoH because they see it in action, and because we have talked about it. They lived through the Mom in charge years, and were there for the switch to Dad in charge. The change was fast and obvious. They were older…13, 17 and 19. They knew. But I believe they do not know anything beyond that. However, our oldest son has dropped hints. At first I just thought I was reading into things.
There was the first comment made at age 20, at the family dinner table no less. We were abroad, and at a restaurant. Grant and I had engaged in a rare and huge fight, in private, but they felt the tension earlier in the day. One thing led to another, there was a kid related topic that caused Grant to mention that I had been irrationally angry, and had thrown and broken a TV remote. (yep, ‘tis true…don’t even go there!) My son casually, and as he was forking food into his mouth, said “Yep, that is when you have to take off the belt”. I wanted to die, or at least slip under the table. Grant and I looked at each other, no one said anything, and then the conversation went just went on as if it had never been said. I am telling you this was more than bizarre. My kids were never spanked. We don’t talk about it, or do it in front of them. What the heck? Ok, maybe it was a passing, bizarre, coincidental comment. Yeah, that’s it!
Then, enter the girl friend. There is lots of fooling around, random smacks (him to her) and comments…oh, the comments! They are at our house and doing the dishes after dinner. Lightly bantering about who is clearing, who is loading the dishwasher, etc. He turns to her and says “Woman, you do those dishes now or I will whip your ass!” and they go on, but she sneaks a look over her shoulder at us and blushes! OMG! He has made other very similar threats, always in jest, and yet…. And then, the other day, she was wearing a necklace that I had to ask about. It is a thin chain that goes around her neck, and there are two little handcuffs clasping each other that she wears in front. I asked what it was, and she took the cuffs apart to show me how they really work! She says she bought it because “It’s cute!” So what’s a mother to think? Is it any wonder I am smoking hookah?
Getting Back On Track
Sometimes a hard spanking is just what you need! Bonnie posted a survey on stress relief spankings. I don’t know how the rest of you feel, but here, excess
stress = needs a spanking! I used to have to wear a sign, somehow say the words, or act up to provoke one. Now, how lovely it is that Grant usually just knows! I think in self defense he errs on the side of caution. It seems to me to be his standard takes-care-of-it-all response. If I seem feisty, he spanks. If I seem edgy, moody, down, too quiet, too distracted, too too…he spanks. Smart man! It kind of covers the bases, and better safe than sorry…right?
This has been the week of weeks, and Grant was away from Saturday night until Wednesday dinner time. I have held myself together with determination, partly because I had to, given how many people at work and at home depend on me, partly because I do not want to be a drag on Grant, and partly because that is me…I just get through crises by rising to the occasion. Inside I was unraveling.
I have learned to be more aware of the internal happenings, and to try to catch myself before I do some damage, by heading into an emotional tail spin. I am getting better at that. This week there were huge legal issues at work, I had to fire two people, force a job change on another, and go to the police regarding an ex-employee who had threatened me, twice.
My Dad is marginally better, and in a step down unit out of ICU, but still not responsive. The hospital wants to release him to a skilled nursing care facility. I never knew how hard finding a bed in a better place would be. Thinking about putting my Dad in a nursing home, well that is a whole other thing entirely. I asked the hospital if I could take him home with nurses, but they say his medical needs are too intense right now. His wife has hired a lawyer to try to force money out of this deal, somehow. I am dealing with subpoenas and evilness.
So…I was the leader I need to be at work, the Mom to my boys, and the dutiful daughter. I also somehow spun into self neglect. I do that when I get overwrought. I try not to…I truly do. Somehow, without a clear focus, I slip to the bottom of my list of priorities. I know rationally this is not a good idea, but somehow, it still happens, occasionally. After our trip to Charleston I was exhausted, so I missed a few days of exercise, which Grant knew at the time. Somehow that turned into a week and a half. I suddenly realized a few days ago that I have not been taking my vitamins. I really do not even know when I stopped. I just am just aware it has been a while. Then Saturday night, the evening Grant left for his four night business trip, I started eating bad stuff. We had a work affair, and there were boxes of soft pretzels, cookies and donuts left over. As a rule, I never bring this stuff into the house, because why tempt myself? But there was so much, and I told myself I would bring them home “for the kids”. The scary part is that I believed that at the time too! He left and I had donuts…two!
One of my old issues is that once I start I don’t stop. I am not sure if it is the carbohydrate addiction or just a lousy attitude, i.e. “I have already messed up, so what the heck!” I proceeded to eat anything and everything I shouldn’t through Sunday night. A very bad idea! Twenty-four hours later I truly felt lousy and I had to admit, finally, that I was totally out of control. I did tell Grant that I had messed up on the food. Monday morning at least that was back in place.
Grant had planned to be home on Tuesday, but his trip got extended a day. By the time he got home on Wednesday he knew I was holding on by a thread! I think it was pretty obvious. We had a family dinner and he told me immediately after to go get ready for some “attention”. Frankly, I was less than thrilled. What kind of “attention” I wasn’t exactly sure of, but I did know that I needed to come clean. I sort of doubted that he would punish (though I deserved it), given the very unusual circumstances, but the agreement between us calls for honesty, and I needed to let him know what had happened…the whole story. Going into a maintenance spanking without a clean slate is really antithetical to what we do together. I just couldn’t do that.
So, before we started, I sat on the edge if the bed and just spilled it all. I know he was somewhat disappointed, but also understanding of the stresses, I guess. He said he was not going to punish, but he would “get me back on track”. He sure did. I can still feel it today. The thing is, I also felt the stress, the feeling of holding the world on my shoulders, begin to dissolve right then and there. Somehow, the act of spanking itself is a big stress reliever, but also the ritual of the dynamic allows me to hand over the control, the decisions, the burden, to my man. I feel cared for and a huge weight lifted. He spanked really, really hard, because it was what I needed, even if it was not what I wanted. He also went over all the health rules and told me he expected me back on track first thing in the morning. I was. What a relief!
