Marie’s Resolution
Hi Sara-
Thanks for the very quick and thorough response to my questions. As one who has been there/done that, I really appreciate you letting us benefit from your experience.
I do need to swallow my pride and communicate more openly, honestly and in a more timely manner. I did place my trust in him when I asked for dd and whenever he has understood what I needed and wanted, he has spared no effort to fulfill my needs. He deserves my trust…even when I am overly tired/emotional/hurt/proud…whatever.
Realizing that Grant truly deserved my trust, and my inability to trust him at times was something I had to work though was a huge turning point for me. My revelation did not result in immediate trust, but it helped me to see more clearly what I needed to strive for, and where to make the effort. I needed to work on me.
There have been times when I have felt so satisfied that I AM a submissive and happy wife…that I float around the house spreading joy and beauty all around… Those are the easy times. But I am learning that dd isn’t just for the easy times. And what is the purpose of dd if it can’t see us through the hard times?
I think it can and it will, if you work at it and allow it to. You are right that when you do not want to submit, when it is hard, you are upset, he is wrong is when the rubber meets the road. You see your commitment and your capacity for growth and change in how you handle the difficult times.
So, yes, I should have told him that I was feeling out of control, needy, disconnected, and then I should have trusted his decision to spank. The inner workings of my Venus-brain are really twisted because months ago I thought how nice it would be if my husband would suggest/deliver a spanking when he saw me going to pieces….flash forward to now. He sees me going to pieces and suggests a spanking. I think,”He doesn’t really want to do this. He is just patronizing me. He thinks I am too needy. He is going to get tired of having to maintain me. He would rather watch tv. He isn’t going to do a thorough job with a spanking. He is tired of me.” And he didn’t really say ANY of those things.
I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt, Sara. I was afraid that if he didn’t prove he really “wanted” to spank me by wrestling me down, he would just be going through the motions. But he shouldn’t have to do that. I have agreed in my more sane moments to trust him. I agreed (without any arm-twisting or speeches on his part) that I believed in him and his ability to guide our relationship. I still do.
Marie, I think you were flat out afraid. We do make ourselves very emotionally vulnerable within this lifestyle, and sometimes we simply need extra affirmation. We need to hear, again, that we are not alone, that they do want this lifestyle, that they are not just doing this because we asked them to…on and on. You had a whole scenario going in your head and were unable to see past it in the moment. You can learn to be more aware of those emotional times and to talk about them.
He has proven over and over again that I am more important to him than anything else. Saying or thinking that he would rather watch tv than take care of me is so ridiculous. I should be the poster gal for PMS and the dangers thereof.
Aha, so there it is. I was going to ask, but thought it seemed…well wrong. Yeah, hormones are an evil thing. I think our men would agree. I get that way sometimes too. I will have to remind Grant that he felt moved a few weeks ago to write something about spanking and hormones. Frankly, all I have to do these days is whisper PMS and he spanks. I think he is convinced it is a survival tactic for any man living with a menopausal woman! I do have to admit it seems to do a lot to restore sanity, mine and thus his.
So, how did we work it out? I showed him the question that I posted to you. He read with interest and said, “I understand this. Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” I said, “I couldn’t put it into words last night.”
But I could have tried. I could have opened myself up to hearing, “Sorry, babe. You’re not worth it. I’m gonna watch some tv.” I like the rule you and Grant have that “nothing” is not an acceptable answer when it isn’t the truth. And ala Grant, Mac will be saying “Would you like to talk or would you rather be spanked first?” And frankly, sometimes, I might rather be spanked.
Well, yeah, there is that. Sometimes, we just need that!
But he won’t have to wrestle me into position. That is my renewed commitment. He is my HOH and I will trust and obey him. I don’t have to like it, but I will obey….knowing that he is doing what he believes is best.
I wasn’t able to stay in position very easily last night when the bath brush came out, but I do find my mind is able to overcome my body when the alternative is “Stay in place, Marie, or I’ll get out my wood paddle.” That’s worse than the brush… Even then, he had to “help” me by keeping my arm and legs pinned with his body at times.
Different people feel differently about this. While major struggling is not OK, we both feel not moving at all is near impossible when the spanking gets intense enough.
When it was over and Mac scooped me up on his lap and started drying my tears and soothing me, there wasn’t a luckier girl in the world. And I know it.
I know I need to stop jumping to conclusions about what he is thinking. I know I need to trust him. I know I am emotional and more than a little needy. But I also know he loves me.
It’s good to know that in time, Sara, we may get to that magical 99% where miscommunications and misunderstandings are a thing of the past. I love that you have been so willing to share your own experiences with me.
Blessings on You and Grant-
Marie
Marie, a wonderful resolution all in all! I am betting you both learned a lot from this, and you also came up with some strategies to deal with similar problems the next time they arise.
You know, maybe I need to revise my numbers. I think 95% of the time would be more on target. And wow does that 5% still cause us stress, but we do have ways to get through it, and the big thing is we are both 100% confident that we will. That has made all the difference.
Marie, my very best to you and Mac! Sara
Marie’s Question – Getting Over A DD Bump
Hi Sara-
I need your wisdom/experience. You have written about the time you refused a spanking and then went to Grant at some future point to submit. He said he would spank you on his timetable and not yours, etc. I totally get where he was coming from as the HOH and leader of your home.
Marie, first let me say I am glad you felt comfortable to share this. I always am open to questions. They make me think and allow me to offer advice, both of which I do enjoy! That story did happen, and I refused discipline, went to him 60 minutes later and asked, and he did refuse to do things on my time table. That was to drive home a point to me, and it was a pivotal moment in our DD relationship.
That is not quite the same, however, as feeling an intense need, asking, or not asking but having the feelings and acting out, and expecting your husband to do what he can…i.e. to spank you! I have learned to ask, to try hard to not act out, and Grant almost always responds quickly. I do not demand, or tell him when, where or with what, but I do tell him “I feel like I need some ‘attention’! or “I am on the edge Honey…gonna lose it soon…going, going…GONE!” He knows, and I know, that the more I can tell him how I feel and the more responsive he can be, the better it is for our marriage. It took time to work this all out, and we learned together and found our rhythm. Is it perfect? No, but on target 99% of the time these days. It took lots of work to get here.
Here is my recent problem. Last night I was quite moody and frankly just wanted to go to sleep, but I was feeling a little neglected and wishing that my husband took more interest in me, so I kind of gave him a snotty “goodnight” and stomped off to bed. He told me to stop being whiney and needy….”needy “being a word that really, really sent me into a tailspin. He followed me into our bedroom and I gave him the classic “nothing” when he asked me what was wrong. There was something wrong. He knew it and I knew it, but I couldn’t explain it.
Marie, I think most of us get this way at times. I sure do. It might be hormones, or things brewing underneath that are bothering me. What stands out is that you were “feeling a little neglected” and went right into assuming he did not want to be bothered because he did not read your mind/mood. This is a regular frustration of mine that Grant is not a mind reader. It frustrates me even more at times when I talk to girlfriends who ‘get’ immediately what I have to slowly and patiently explain to him. I think it is a Mars/Venus thing. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray that is a classic and goes into the basics of the male/female divide. Men are simply different, and do not always read our cues in the way we wish we could. We also do not appropriately read theirs. We need to communicate, to learn each other’s language. It is not an automatic thing.
As to the “needy” remark, that would have totally pushed my buttons too, and made me start to shut down. It hurt, didn’t it? I am betting he does not know this, or quite get why. This is one of the things we need to tell them, quite honestly and clearly, how that feels to us, and why it hits a sore spot. For me, being ‘needy’ is an issue. I was taught that being needy, dependant, was undesirable. I am afraid I will show my husband my underbelly, my vulnerability, that my neediness will be revealed and he will not want that part of me, that I will be rejected. Then sometimes, like you did, I decide I have in fact been rejected by his comment, his look, his silence…fill in the blank, anything will do…and I withdraw, or strike back in anger, because I feel hurt. I might get on a roll of my version of “I kind of gave him a snotty “goodnight” and stomped off to bed.”
So, here’s what we have done. We have talked. We have decided that those kinds of miscommunications an misunderstandings can be mostly avoided. He needs to hear and understand the things I am sensitive to. That would require me telling him. Easier said than done, especially when I am already feeling raw. That is where the “nothing” comes in. You know it is not “nothing”! He knows too. I suspect that the problem is not that you did not know you felt hurt, although, maybe not exactly why, but that you felt scared to say it and be further rejected.
Good relationships call for risk taking, putting your heart on the line, opening yourself. Opening yourself to the good stuff also means the possibility of opening yourself to more hurt at times. When you let him in, as you have with your “need” for a DD marriage, you opened yourself to the possibility of deeper hurt. It is the way of things. A good man, one you can trust, will not purposely hurt you. As you grow in your marriage you will feel more ands more confident about his good intentions.
I have needed to hear from Grant many times over that I am not “too needy” that he needs me to need him, that he is in this with me all the way. I still can get caught up with the vulnerability at times, but honestly, less and less. I learned over time to trust his intent. He told me his feelings, he requested, and times demanded my trust. He called me on it when he felt I was not trusting him. That made me need to look at myself and to grow. This all is a process that you go through together, which is part of what makes it so powerful.
One more comment about “nothing”. When I say “nothing” and Grant pursues it, he requires that I open up now. It is not easy, believe me. But we agreed that “nothing” is not acceptable when there is something. We are friends, lovers, partners in life and “nothing” can only be a wedge between us. That being said, he will make me sit on the bed and “start talking”. Several times he has said I could talk or he would spank and then I could talk…my choice. Reluctantly, at times, I talk. I think I recall there was one time he did spank and I started talking soon enough, so knowing that he actually will, what is the point in holding out? The truth is, in my rational moments, I know it is right. That holding onto things is not good for me or us. We used to have scenes like you and your husband did, and angry good nights. We have close to eliminated those.
He surmised that a spanking was in order and ordered me out of bed which I refused to do. Then he said something which angered me even beyond the “stop being needy” remark which was that “this (spanking) doesn’t have to be long or drawn out, but you do need one.” In my brain, I translated that to mean that he wanted to get back to his TV show and that I wasn’t really worth a lot of time, but that he could squeeze in a short spanking. I was just too proud to do it. I would not get out of bed. He made a half-hearted attempt to flip me over on my stomach, but then stood back and said he wasn’t going to “man-handle” me. Well, Sara, I really needed to be “handled” by my man. Instead, I just ignored him and acted like I was going to sleep. So eventually, he came to bed also.
Yes, you did need that, and you need to use words to explain it to him. However, in my opinion, he should not have to manhandle you. For us, and I know we are all different; Grant has never and would never physically force my submission. That has to be freely offered…every time. He is not willing to engage on a level that does not require me taking full adult responsibility for myself in our relationship. I am not saying I always go along happily, but I do go along. A large part of the discipline in DD, imo, is self–discipline. We made agreements, and Grant expects me to keep my end of the bargain, to “cooperate” or to obey. It is my failure when I do not. It has happened, and his way of dealing with it was to punish for my lack of obedience, my going back on our agreement because I did not ‘feel’ like honoring it in the moment. That has been effective. The question I would have is why did your husband ‘allow’ your resistance? he was probably confused, and did not know what to do. Like you, he needs to grow into his role. You need to talk.
So there we are, both mad and frustrated, laying in the dark and neither of us able to sleep. After a long time, I slid over and put my arm around him and he pulled me close and said some really “sweet” things to me. My problem was that I didn’t want or need any comforting, sweet, loving words.
I wanted to be “worth the effort” of a lecture (I really was a moody brat) and a serious spanking. I was not able to relax or sleep and it really bothered me that he was going to just “let it go.” Eventually I rolled back onto my own side of the bed and sniffed that “I don’t need anymore hugs.”
Again, I suspect your husband would not quite understand the concept of being “’worth the effort’ of a lecture”. I’ll bet he thought being nice to you would make you feel better. Go figure, you needed a disciplinary response! We are a bit strange to these guys Marie. We need to help them understand how we think.
I have had to talk this all out with Grant, as I learned what I felt, what worked for me. I found out that when I get emotionally rattled, insecure, more often than not I need to feel the boundaries, the structure of the DD dynamic we live within. I need him to be firm, unmovable, despite or because of my emotional wafting. This takes time. It is a process of self discovery and communication. You will learn together what works.
So, that’s where we are. It was a disaster. I got up at 5am and ran a few miles which I had been really tempted to do at 1am when I couldn’t sleep, but I knew that would just be too much drama. I should have submitted to the spanking that offered in the first place, I guess? Yes, you should have. Commit to yourself and to him to doing that from now on. I should have gotten my bottom out of bed and been grateful for whatever minimal number of swats he could fit in? Yes, but maybe just maybe, he was going to do more than just fit you in during the commercial break? Is that a possibility? Now I’m being sarcastic and that’s just not pretty. I hate feeling this way. I am out of control. You need to tell him exactly that! I need him….yes I am NEEDY. He did apologize profusely for that comment by the way and insists that he loves being “needed”.
I used to think I was ‘low maintenance’. Grant would kind of roll his eyes at that one! Now we joke about my being ‘high maintenance’, and I am relieved to hear him say he would not have it any other way. I am learning to let that be OK, to let my needs be OK. I figure I give a whole heck of a lot back too, so maybe…it is alright that I let him take care of me, and that I be who I am. We are all needy in some way, and lucky we have guys who truly love to be needed!
Sara, Grant, Anyone, what did I do wrong? How should I have handled myself? Any thoughts and suggestions are very appreciated. And Sara, if you’d rather just email me and delete this comment, I won’t be offended. I know how busy you are with your own life right now, so I won’t expect a lengthy or quick response.
Thanks,
Marie
Marie, you already know what you did. You said “No”, when you had previously committed to your husband being the one who is in charge. You also assumed, prejudged, and thought the worst of his intentions instead of assuming he loves you, and wants to take care of you, and that you are more important to him than his TV show. You are…aren’t you? Even if he got it wrong, were his intentions good? This is all about deepening the trust. We all go through this stuff. This is how Domestic Discipline can be more than about getting spanked for breaking some rule…i.e. a punishment fetish, but rather the beginning of a journey of self discovery, and then relationship interdependency and intimacy. These are all opportunities for growth, and we all go through them. If you use this disruption as a place to begin sharing your secrets with your husband, to begin looking at your insecurities, and to let him help you get past them, as you take responsibility for your own growth too, it could be a real turning point!
Thank you for asking, for sharing and for giving me the opportunity to discuss this with you Marie! I am looking forward to hearing how the two of you work things through.
All My Best, Sara
As Good As It Gets
As I said to a blogger friend recently, what could be better than love, spanking and Italian food? Nada. That is about as good as it gets in my estimation!
Grant and I figured out that we just needed to do things a little differently these next few weeks. As much as we hate being apart, he needs to be working far away more rather than less, to get his project moving. For my part, I figured out that having him home as stressed and exhausted as he was last weekend did neither of us any good. We agreed that he would stay up there the whole week, and then, instead of him making the five hour drive home, I would meet him. We booked a hotel in New York City, which falls in between, and agreed to meet Friday afternoon.
Grant drove and I took a train. Even for a 24 hour rendezvous, I had to pack, and prepare. Now that I have acknowledged my spanko within, this required certain specific considerations. We did not communicate about implements, but he said a few things last week that let me know spanking would be on the list of activities. Isn’t it always? I assumed he expected me to bring the implement bag. He, on the other hand, unbeknownst to me, had thought way ahead, and took three of his favorite items with him when he left last week! I brought the bag, jammed in my suitcase, and he brought the leather paddle, olive wood spoon, and ebony hairbrush. Better well prepared than not!
Our timing was perfect and we met in the lobby of a very nice East Side hotel. After checking in we were surprised to be shown to a King size suite. That upgrade was a nice perk, for the roominess and also the fact that it was a corner room…i.e. no neighbors, which translates into a no danger zone for spanking! Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to have someone call hotel security??? I always worry about these things, but Grant pretty much could not care less. It was hard enough training it with a suitcase full of implements…I mean what if something happened? Here is this middle aged very conservative looking lady (me), with all manner of things hidden in her bag. Do you ever look at people in public places and wonder just what might be underneath, inside, deep down? I hope they have more, a whole lot more, and I wish for them that they enjoy the journey of discovering those parts of themselves as much as I have!
Grant was really funny. He pulled out the implements within 10 minutes of hitting the room. He has this crazy idea that if I have gone spankingless for more than 3-4 days I could implode, or explode, or somehow something bad might happen. Where he gets these ideas I have no clue. I played along, however, just happy to be with my guy. Even though I had a good week, and was feeling very together and centered, I had missed him a lot. We reconnected and spanked and loved and napped, and then I awoke to realize we had 20 minutes until our dinner reservations! We quickly showered and dressed for the evening and grabbed a cab to a new (new for us) restaurant.
We love food, all kinds. We love ethnic foods, and Italian is, of course Grant’s favorite. He had gone online, did some research, and found the “Best Ten” in NYC. I love a man who comes prepared! Implements, a highly rated restaurant…he is the best!
I have to pass on the name of this restaurant for anyone who makes it to NYC. Itrulli on East 27th off Park Ave. The food was truly top notch, and well presented and served.
We will go back! After dinner we were just too stuffed to do anything but walk, and so we headed uptown towards the hotel, through the lovely East side, looking at brownstone residences. One had a sign out front, a very exceptional property at an exceptional price. 12.5 Million. Who lives in these places? When I was finally too tired to walk Grant hailed a cab and we returned to the hotel to snuggle in bed and watch a movie. After promising him I would certainly not fall asleep, I promptly did so, my head on his chest. I don’t think he really minded.
Saturday was as nice as the day before, 70 degrees and clear. We hit our favorite coffee shop, Starbucks, and then walked down to the Village (Greenwich) window shopping on the way. We eventually found ourselves at a nice café where we sat at a table open to the street, and ate brunch and watched the hub bub of New York go by. Then we walked some more, and when I admitted my feet were going to just fall off, we took another cab to Gramercy Park to visit a favorite clothes boutique for me, pick up Grant’s favorite home made olive oil soap, sold at a grocery next door, and then to stroll through the park listening to the music and watching the people.
We finally made it back to the hotel by about 2:30 in the afternoon, and reluctantly realized it was time to part. We grabbed suitcases, and before I knew it, we kissed goodbye, and I was in a cab alone on my way to Penn Station, while Grant was heading North out of the city It really was a lovely 20 hrs, and we surely made the most of it. No stress, no upsets, and lots of food and love. Just perfect!
Some Thoughts On Blogging
I suspect I am going to be writing about some different things in the coming months. I have focused a lot on Domestic Discipline here, spanking, the marriage. That is all still here, and I am sure I will address these things, but I find that there are life issues that are pressing, and that I need to think through for myself. Writing has always been a way for me to think, sort my head out. Since I have started blogging I find the regular discipline of writing several times a week with consistency has been a beneficial exercise.
Still, it is hard at times. I suspect many bloggers share my feelings, but I am not entirely sure. Each and every time I post, a small part of me wonders whether I will sound dumb, weird or boring, or say something I will later regret. I worry when there are no comments. After I post I look multiple times a day to get some reassurance that somebody ‘out there’ understands what I am trying to say. We all write to share, to connect. It is a bit disconcerting to talk about things close to your heart, but for me, if I don’t do that, well why bother writing at all?
So this is where I find myself. Yes, there is Domestic Discipline and all that means, but I have a full life that the DD is simply one part of. I am right now sitting in an orthodontist office waiting for my 15 yr old son to get his braces adjusted. Yep, I am that lady sitting in the corner of the waiting room with the laptop! I work full time, mother my kids, water my garden, food shop, change the kitty litter, and also happen live a DD lifestyle with my husband.
Recently there were two comments to previous posts that got me thinking. Sparkle said “you have one of the few and far between journals that discuss how your kids fit into your relationship.” I thought about her observation and realized that she is right, there are not a lot of DD-BDSM-D/s bloggers that talk about parenting. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because most blogs focus on the kink aspect of life, the spanking, the sex, rather than the whole of it? And then Swan said “This is the “life” part of “lifestyle.” She is right there is always the life part of the “lifestyle”. If you are living this, and not playing at it, then it becomes simply part of your normal everyday life.
Over time our DD has become more and more seamless with the rest of our lives, and harder and harder for me to separate out. I think this is a good thing. I always cringe a bit when I hear people say “We do DD” or even worse, “We are not doing any DD this week”. Grant and I do not do DD, we are a DD couple. We do gourmet cooking. It is a hobby but not at the core of who we are and how we define ourselves. The power exchange that is the base of our relationship is just who we are as a couple, now. There is a huge difference.
That being said, I am not really able to talk about that power exchange without talking about the changes to us as a couple, and as individuals. Adopting a domestic discipline lifestyle was such a fundamental philosophical change for me. It has been part of a great deal of emotional and spiritual growth. It has changed the way I view my world, and even, to some extent, how I live my life. But that is for another post.
Fight – Part 3 (The resolution)
Like most marital ‘fights’, this was not really about the issue at hand but underlying upsets, disruptions, disconnects. It helps me to understand those, so that I can learn from them, and maybe avoid the fallout the next time.
Grant is fatigued, over worked, and stressed. He needs to be two places at once, there to take care of his business and here to be with his family. I felt he came home to me too tired to be fully present at some level. I had had a difficult week for no particular reason except that I am at a life stage where many things are changing, significant relationships are shifting. Our oldest son is getting well, and moving back into the world. He is applying to transfer to a local University and moving in with his girlfriend in a few months. This is all good stuff, and yet, he is moving away from me, and how will I protect him? Silly, I know. He is 21…and yet. Our daughter has found her wings, and after her freshman year in college is here and gone already, off to a college trip to Ireland to study pre and early Christianity. How awesome is that? And yet…she is making her life, away from me.
My father is leaving me too. These past two months have been a roller coaster of health traumas. I still do not know if his body will survive, but I have realized, slowly, over the past several weeks, that my Dad, the man I have known and loved all my life, is gone. A piece of him may be back, but the relationship we had, the daily phone calls, the mentoring, the shared jokes, will never be again. I miss him.
So when Grant came back to me this past weekend, but somehow in spirit was not fully there, or so it seemed to me, I was truly shaken. I pulled at him, and he did what he never does anymore, he very subtly, backed away. He might say not…I don’t know, but that is how it felt to me. As a friend pointed out, these are old patterns, ways of dealing with things pre-DD, pre the open connectedness of the marriage we now have. It was scary to unknowingly step back into the old behaviors that did not work then, and certainly do not work now. The good part is that we expect more now, and we struggled together until we got there, back to US. It took a couple of days, some talking, some spankings, some tears…but we are back, and I am good again!
Fight – Part 2
We are partially resolved, but not all the way. There are things that get me through these kinds of marital discords. One, we are together forever, no matter what. I mean together together…we know we will resolve the upsets, and that we will be ok, sooner or later. There was a time in my marriage that I did not know that, and I did not even know that I did not know. I did not realize that I could be a whole lot more secure, have much more faith in US than I had. Maybe it needed to grow and develop over many years, and maybe it is because of the DD. Maybe both. Whatever the reason, having that faith or trust in us helps a lot.
We kept talking, in between the fighting. The issue is handling our son, and we more or less resolved that last night. We came to a truce on that issue, with talking and some meeting in the middle. Underneath, frankly, I think the issue is adjusting to being apart. Grant is away, I need him to be with me, he needs to take care of me, and he cannot be in two places. He feels overwhelmed, and I think a bit guilty for causing me pain, and I feel sad and a bit angry too. And then, I am angry at myself for being needy and angry at him. It is not fair. Part of this is that it has gone on for many years. This separation is not a one time thing we need to get through.
I got spanked last night. Punished for “two days of being a witch.” I was really not completely on board with that, but it did help…some. He used the ebony hairbrush, otk. Who’s bright idea was that anyway? He loves it. Well balanced, large handle, weighty and very effective. In truth it was not up there on the charts in terms of punishments. That hairbrush can be wicked, but he didn’t use it very long and I was crying in two minutes, and sobbing in three. He stopped way too soon. He was “afraid he was hurting me too much.” Who is this man? What happened to the Grant I know? Three years of DD and we need to talk about punishment, again. I did not want to be punished, but if he is going to do it, he needs to know what works and what doesn’t. And he really does know! I will talk him because that is what we do…we work things through together. We talked, argued again, he spanked and talked, and then curled up around me in bed and held me for a long time while I cried, and finally we slept. It was the first real peace I have felt in two days.
I only say this to let the cat out of the bag that our DD is not perfect; our marriage is not perfect; we are not perfect. Things happen and we talk and figure it out and adjust and grow. We are simply out of sync, tired from months of stress, and dealing with life’s curves. Grant is weary and I am feeling his absence more than I wish. But we’ll get through it, and sooner rather than later get us back on track, because we are committed to that. We focus on our marriage and what we need to do to keep us together in spirit. That changes, what is needed, but the intent and focus is a constant.
Fight! Fight!
It is that time of year AGAIN. It is the same thing every Spring. You would think by now I would get used to Grant being away so much, but it is just not the case. He is developing a business 300 miles away. It is a summer enterprise, but takes his attention Spring and Fall as well, so that during those seasons he is away several days most weeks, and now, as summer nears, even more. I hate it. I hate everything about him being gone: The loneliness, the distance between us created by not sleeping together, not seeing each other every day, the extra feeling of responsibility with the kids, the shift in our rhythms. The transition feels awkward each and every year we do this.
The balance between us changes. I try to keep him in the loop over the phone, but it is just not the same. I feel hampered by the extra step of checking in with him on things, and he is often unreachable in the moment. The cell is not often in range, the Internet access not always available. And then I also feel strained by trying to do what I need to, and still keep up with our DD agreements. And being ‘on my own’ stirs up some vulnerability around having these stupid feelings, feeling needy, and a defensiveness to protect that. It is just no fun at all!
We had a serious disagreement last night, unpleasant and disjointed. The kind that mixes in current issues with past stuff, and the kind that gets very emotional because it revolves around our younger son and how to parent him. The kind that might not have played out in the same way had he been at home. It is so not his fault, his being away, but that does not stop me from feeling anger anyway. And then of course when he is home he steps in, to something I did my way, and really it gets quite cumbersome. Part of me wants to say “If you are not here, then please just let me do things my way?” But then, that would be unfair, and also would stir up more resentment on the other end for me. Him being gone in body does not mean he is gone in spirit, or authority, for that matter.
Anything around kids is the toughest kind of issue. With everything I said in my last post about mothering boys, and about fathers and sons having a way to handle things that is simply male and thus leaves me out, still, there are times I just think Grant is wrong in his approach. Boys also have a mother for a reason! I am his parent too, and am not stepping back when there is an important issue regarding our child. All wise men know better than to mess with a Mama defending her young!
This has been an ongoing DD issue for us. When it is OK, and when it is not. If Grant has a fault, it is in being too dominant at times. He is very comfortable seeing things decisively, making his call, and expecting cooperation. It sounds like what any woman in touch with their submissive self would want. Let me tell you, reading it in a DD story and living it are two different things entirely! When it is an important kid issue, and I think he is not seeing what I do, and making a bad call, and he says “I have the final say!” what do I do? Sorry, but I just do not back down. Call me a bad Dd wife, no kind of submissive…I am a Mom first. I have to say that when we go toe to toe like this, Grant will eventually work with me to find a compromise, to work out something we can both live with, but that is not a place easily arrived at. I need to stand up to him. And he has that HoH card to pull. He would never use that intentionally in an unfair way, but I have felt there are times when he has used that argument, and I have just had to continue to disagree.
When are these times “OK”? I don’t know really. I remember reading on a DD forum where a mother, who happened to also be a school teacher talked about her HoH making the decision that their son would go into Kindergarten early, even though she knew the boy was not ready. She fought and then “submitted”. The boy struggled and had to then repeat his year. My son would NOT have been going if I “knew’ he was not ready! My older son needed an ADD evaluation and eventually medication and Grant was opposed. I took him anyway. This was before DD, but I know I would do that again, even today, and just deal with the consequences. There are always consequences in life, and I could not live with my son having the consequence of an undiagnosed learning issue because my husband is not up to speed on those issues in education and brain processing, and I have not properly advocated for him with his Dad. What I would do more of is talking, educating, so that he understood the whole picture. Then I would simply insist.
Being in the field of psychology is a blessing in many ways when it comes to parenting and relationships. It is also a curse, in that you see things that others sometimes cannot see, or you see it sooner. On the other hand, I am not always right! I hate that! There are times when Grant sees things from a different perspective that I have missed. Sometimes it takes lots and lots of talking to get to a place where we can have our perspectives work together rather than be at odds with each other.
We are going to need to do a lot of talking today, especially as he leaves again on Monday night. Will there be implements involved? Possibly.
I will try not to be too hard on him, because I do love him…even when.
Mothering My Boys
At about Noon on Mother’s Day my oldest son, 21, came home from his girlfriend’s. The front door was locked (Grant please do note that the front door was locked!) and as we have a window in the door, when I went to open it, he was framed as if in a picture. A 6’1” bearded man/boy, clutching a yellow rose, smiling, pleased, hoping to please, and a little self conscious. Of course my heart melted and as I hugged him. I was reminded of times gone by, gifts of dandelions from the lawn when he was five, lopsided clay pots from school, home made cards. Those were some good times, but these are too.
It’s just different now. My son is 21 and has a serious girlfriend. That has brought all sorts of complications into my life. How do I handle/relate to this man/boy? He is a man, albeit a young one, but there is that boy still inside too. He needs space but still needs mothering. He and I had a pivotal conversation a year ago that really, along with my DD marriage, changed how I thought about mothering my boys. I have always been very much a “Jewish mother”. I am not convinced btw, that Jewish mothers are much different than Christian, Buddhist or Muslim mothers, but that issue aside, I am involved, verbal, and maybe at times a little bit invasive. That is called mother love on a good day and over-bearing on a bad day.
Grant has tried to help me see that our boys especially could benefit from less of this mothering. I didn’t really get that, but there is a different kind of mothering required it seems. Grant has long urged me to be aware of our sons’ masculinity, their need for male respect at a younger age. I am starting to understand better. The pivotal moment I referred to was when my son turned to me maybe a year ago and told me flat out that when I tried to “help” him with something that he feels he can and should be able to do himself, he experiences that as me seeing him as inept. He feels I “help”, offer advice, tell him what to do, try to solve his problems, because I must think he is incapable. He feels badly that I do not think he is capable without my “help”. He was so serious and so pained by this, and I was truly so shocked. It brought tears to my eyes to realize what I had unknowingly been doing to him. I thought if I did things for him, he would feel loved. He felt undermined. How like a man!
Grant hates when I back seat drive. In fact it is on the “not allowed” list. How many times have I been in the car with a girlfriend, and said “Oh, I know a shortcut!” and she says “Great!” and we get there together? How many times have I been in the car with Grant and said “Oh, I know a shortcut!”, and he says “Do you think I don’t know how to get us there?” Mars and Venus collide! Sheesh men are strange! But there you have it, my boys are young men. I think, looking back, that they were always little men, and that male sense of pride, self esteem, independence was always a bit different than that of my daughter. I was always careful to treat them ‘the same’, to not make gender assumptions. I bought my boys each a doll and my girl a fire truck. Grant and I taught them that real men do cry and women are strong and smart. Grant cooks and I have the business head. The kids have seen
that, and I think it is a good thing. But their maleness and femaleness is still clearly part of them, of course, in how they see themselves. Men and women are simply not the same, even on the inside.
I was less aware in years gone by, but DD has led me to trying to understand my husband, with more respect for who he is AS a man. This is spilling over into trying to understand my sons that way too. It is trickier because my sons still do need some mothering. The 15 yr old is 15. Enough said. And yet, he has that male thing going, and I walk a fine line when I tell him to take a shower, or do your homework now. He needs to feel empowered and responsible to manage his world, and to have me there as a back up. The same as with all teens, I think, but there is that maleness in there too. When he offers to do something for me, I have noticed the pride he feels in his care taking of me, and am more aware of allowing and appreciating that. I do not know if this is generally true, but in our family both of my boys were needier as babes and toddlers. My daughter was more independent and self sufficient from day one. That neediness has tugged at me and maybe made/allowed me to baby them more than was always good for them. Grant would say so. And yet, inside my big guys (the 15 yr old is already a bit over 6’) the Mama’s boys are there, the softness, the sensitivity. In fact, I will share a secret here, they are much like their Dad who is, deep down inside, one of the softest men I know.
My older son being in such a serious relationship has been a challenge for me on several levels. One of them is the mothering. I still want to look out for him, and he still does look to me. We have always been close. Somehow this one is ‘my kid’…simply like me in certain ways. We ‘get’ each other and always have. So now he sometimes looks to me for relationship advice. He watches Grant and I. He brings us problems and asks what to do. It has been tricky to stay involved without meddling. It has also been tricky to give advice, trying to be sure to empower him, to support his problem solving abilities and be a sounding board rather than simply a fixer. The most recent issue is a very big deal. He wants her to get on some sort of more effective birth control, and for whatever reason she has been hesitant. She says she will see the Dr, but then just doesn’t do it. He came to me and asked if I would take to her. I was so very tempted! I really do not want these kids, at 20 and 21, who have not finished college yet, to have a baby. I know there are much better contraceptive methods out there than what they are using. I also feel I am butting into their relationship in some ways, but if not me then who? Should I wait until there is a baby and then wish I had spoken up? This is just too important for that.
I thought overnight about what my son asked me to do, and realized that if I became his secret weapon with his girl, not only did it bode badly for my potential relationship with her, who might end up our daughter-in–law, but it set the tone for his relationship with her for the future. I had nagged him, he nagged her, and there was a stalemate. Now he wanted me to confront her! I decided that my son needed some coaching. The parenting, the teaching does not end at 21! I found a private moment with him the next day and said “I have been thinking about your problem and want to suggest a different solution. Rather than me talking to her I think you need to talk to her. “I have Mom!” I think you need to sit her down and say “Honey, we need to take care of this together. It is not responsible to not do that. I keep asking you to make an appointment with your Dr and you have not. Now I am telling you that I want you to make an appointment TODAY for us to go see him. We will go together; we will hear what the Dr suggests, discuss the options, and we will decide what we are going to do about birth control together. Please go call. ” I asked him if he felt comfortable about that. He said he did. Later that day he told me he had talked to her and they had an appointment. I asked how she reacted. He said “She was not happy about it Mom, but she did it.” I complimented him for how well he handled that. I felt good about the fact that my son felt empowered to make this happen. He is learning to take responsibility in his relationship, and did it in a mature and loving way. He is starting to see that he can make things happen when he needs to, even when his lady is not cooperating. In this instance it took literally walking him through the conversation. Maybe next time he will find the words himself.
I am not sure three years ago, before the DD part of our marriage, that I would have seen things quite the same way. I am not sure I would have encouraged him to feel it was his place to take the responsibility to make that decision, to handle things by taking the lead. But I see what it has done for his father and I, and although I am sure it is not the only relationship dynamic that works, it is the one that has worked for us. I can only hope my children eventually find the kind of relationship harmony that Grant and I have, in whatever way works best for them.
Grant’s Thoughts On Men and Leadership
Dear All,
Again, I thank you for your insightful and kind responses to my post Questions on HoH - Grant . To tell the truth, I am abashed to get such positive and heartfelt responses.
To answer Ktzmiao’s question:
Grant,
In your post you write, “Some of my soft-spined, wimpy male friends became the favorites of these college women because they posed no threats, no challenges to Feminine Superiority and gave no resistance to their own castrations by hard charging, young, angry women”.
I have found this type of man (I’m in my early 40’s) to be quite numerous in our population. Additionally, when I do meet men who are masculine, they abdicate the ‘responsible authority’ portion of their masculinity. Instead choosing to be emotional black holes, (they want the esteem associated with being the dominant partner – but offer neither emotional support nor leadership inside the relationship), but not strength centers if that makes sense.
Is it possible that some men have abandoned this role/responsibility because it is easier to be them, than quite frankly it is to be you? And how do we resurrect this type of masculine male and his appreciation for responsible authority, consistency, leadership?
K
Dear Ktzmiao,
To be very frank? I do think we have become truly “a nation of sheep” to quote a quite famous person whose name escapes me (I am sorry I cannot reference this source).
I think it can be very easy for men to shun the responsibilities of adulthood and remain childish in relationships and, in many instances, force a mothering nature upon their spouse or significant other.
I also think you are correct to surmise that “men have abandoned this role/responsibility because it is easier to be them, than quite frankly it is to be you?”
It is truly more work to be a competent HOH then it is to be a childish man; it is easier to give up on a difficult project then to push through and complete it; It is also more acceptable to divorce, separate or abandon relationships in our culture. Citing the recent applause for the new and cynical “Divorce Rings” that women are buying to celebrate the destruction of their relationship–this is just pathetic. Does anyone ever suggest we allow our children to chalk up their defeats in life rather then their wins? However, I feel that many men are just exhausted by the back and forth of “the struggle for power” in the relationship and give up.
Q: And how do we resurrect this type of masculine male and his appreciation for responsible authority, consistency, leadership?
I know for a fact that we need to educate our children about the beauty and strength of their own masculine and feminine natures, and teach them that each has its own individual powers that cannot be separated from a healthy relationship. The old, worn out fashion of male/female conflict as a normal and unavoidable part of marriage and relationships has to be demystified and thrown aside by the healthy, positive celebration of each of our natures. In short, only education and de-brainwashing can be the answer, from my humble point of view. This will take courage and the willingness to be shunned, criticized and even vilified by a society that celebrates bad relationships as if they are a rite of passage to independence.
I hope that answers your question. I also hope other men can give their point of view in this forum and expand on it.
Sincerely,
Grant
A Spanking Update
I am told I owe you all a story, given the hints I dropped earlier in the week involving a hotel room, a book, and an OTL (over the lap) spanking. The book part was funny, the rest was not, but you know you have to find the humor in life and enjoy things along the way as best you can…at least that is how I feel.
The trip to Florida was riddled with anxiety and stress, and yet it is such a beautiful place, with so much to enjoy, and the hospital visiting hours are so limited, and my Dad so unaware, that it left us with time on our hands. It was strange going back and forth from a hospital bedside with my father, so very sick, to a lunch outside on the patio of a small Italian bistro, with fountains and classical music piped in, under the palm trees. And yet it was reassuring and life affirming too, you know?
On Sunday night, unbeknownst to us, it was the last night of a huge annual music fest in West Palm Beach. We left the hospital late, when evening visiting hours were over, and at 9 Pm decided to drive over to the beach side area to find some dinner. We hoped that a really nice Lobster restaurant we had visited before might still offer seating. On the way, maybe a 10 minute drive, we suddenly saw a fireworks display. I love fireworks! Grant pulled over for a few minutes so we could watch, and we had a pretty good view over the tops of some nearby buildings. Finally we decided to get going, and as the fireworks were in the direction of our destination, we got closer and closer. We had a beautiful drive which culminated with seeing the Grande Finale just as we were crossing the inter-coastal bridge! All the cars were crawling to watch the display, which was not only huge, but was reflected in the waters below. How perfect was that?
We made our way to the restaurant, which took us immediately, as they were empty, and had a fabulous dinner and some wine. I had a whole Maine lobster and a salad – (low carb of course). Grant had a dish I had tried the last time that is just fabulous…lobster, shrimp and crab meat in a light curried sauce served in a half pineapple. I know this is about spankings and all, but the food was worth the telling! We are really, really into food!
Tired and sated, we headed back to the hotel. Somehow at the tail end of dinner we got into a discussion about politics. Many roads lead Grant to politics and I try hard to avoid them. We began talking about climates, somehow, which I think led to global warming, which I think led to Al Gore, which I think led to Obama, the Presidential election and then the horrors of the Democratic Party in general. I will back up and tell the uninformed that Grant and I have long battled politics, and rarely agree. He is a registered Republican, although calls himself a “Conservative”. I am a registered Democrat, and have considered myself a liberal one, at that. Can you see where this is leading? I have been spanked over Global Warming, and spanked for being a Democrat! OK, that is not the whole exact truth, but the way I prefer to tell it. Here is the full story.
Anyway, at the end of a close to perfect evening we were arguing, and I was trying to drop the discussion, and Grant was insisting we continue it. He feels very strongly that government, politics, how we do what we do is very important in this country and that we should all be knowledgeable and involved. I agree, but we cannot talk without arguing, and I cannot stand that! He also makes me really mad when we discuss this. He is so absolutely sure of his convictions, and voices opinions that I really disagree with at times. He also knows his facts, admittedly way more than I do, but his conclusions are most often still not what mine would be. Anyway, he went on and on and I got more and more upset, and then finally he said something regarding my politics that got personal and that really hurt my feelings. It was something that happened to trigger some old relationship stuff, too. The details are not important. I will just say that he immediately apologized, but sometimes it is not so easy to just take words back like that. And then, there is the issue of our views of the import of what is said. Grant said he was sorry and “did not mean the words he said to come out the way they did”. Ok, on some level I get that, but I am also a Freudian Psychoanalyst! A slip is a slip, and unconscious utterances do have meaning, and I could go on and on…poor Grant! I know Freud himself said “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!” But ya know what? Sometimes it ain’t!
Anyway, by the time we were done I was tearful and screaming at him. We rode back to the hotel in silence and while he parked I went up to the room alone. I was tired, upset, angry, and hurt. I went to bed quickly and pretty much in silence which is something that just doesn’t happen anymore…but it did. We started to talk once, a little, but then he said in that ‘do not defy me’ HoH tone, “I said something that you took differently than I intended. I apologized. We are NOT going to argue about this all night. The discussion is over!” What do I say to that? I was either going to push us into a rip roaring awful fight, which he no doubt would have ended with a spanking, or I was going to ‘hush up”, so I went to bed. He was smart enough to leave me alone.
The next morning was a bit stiff between us, but I try not to hold grudges. I know that is wrong. Forgiveness is a good thing, and he of all people deserves that from me, even if he (is politically to the right and) said what he shouldn’t have. That is probably been one of the biggest learning curves for me since beginning DD. I have learned to keep the whole of who he is, and how I feel about him in sight, even when he has made a mistake or ticked me off royally. I went online and ranted about him to a safe DD friend who knew it was all just about me needing to vent, who could advise me to settle down, and maybe not drown him in the hotel pool, after all. As we went down to breakfast he asked if I was going to be still mad. I answered honestly that I really did not want to be, and was trying to let it go. We went though our day and it was a fine one. We went to the hospital, and then went to see Grant’s mom and step-dad who live an hour away. It was all OK, but there was an awkwardness between us, a little bit of dis-ease…we did not flow like we usually do, and I was more than put out with his humming, his driving, etc. When I am mad underneath, just everything bugs me!
I finally realized that I had to ask for a “reconnect”. A spanking to get us reconnected, past whatever that was, back to us. I hate that! First of all, why should he spank me when he messed up? I really have no clue, except in our marriage he is the spanker and I am the spanked, so it is the only arrangement available! Second, it is hard to submit when you are miffed and thus feeling less than ‘submissive’ and third why should that work to make things OK, back to normal. Why should me getting spanked get me through feeling mad at him? I have no clue, but it does. I have learned through trail and error that it works, and you know, I just don’t care anymore. I only care that we are Ok together, whatever it takes to get there.
So, later that night he said it was time, and I tried to talk him out of it, just because I needed to do that, I think. I needed to hear him insist, to reassert the authority, the structure we live by. We ended up on the sofa with me OTL, and when he started I just had to turn and see what he could be using for the warm up! It was hotel book. I started chuckling, and then laughing, even though he was putting some muscle into it, and he laughed too. The last of the ice melted. He progressed to using his belt and then a small wood clothes brush he travels with that really gets pretty intense. I was soon not laughing, and complaining by the end. It was certainly not the longest or hardest spanking ever, but it was enough to reconnect us, and to somehow get us back in sync.
Spanking does work as a relationship tool in our tool box. Learning to use the tools takes time, but for us has been well worth the effort. In years gone by our disconnects would have gone on for much longer, if not for days.
Whatever it takes!
