Punishment
This is something that comes up from time to time in a domestic discipline marriage. My ideas and thoughts about it have evolved and changed. In the beginning it was something I knew, and Grant agreed, was needed. We had to establish consequences for behaviors in our relationship. There had never been any, except for fighting and unhappiness. In essence, now the consequences are more limited, more immediate and less hurtful than the ones we used to live with. Instead of emotional pain, arguing, anger and discord, there is spanking or restrictions.
In a way it was a hard thing to wrap my mind around. Why would I deserve to be punished? I am a very decent person, responsible, giving. I try hard to accommodate and cooperate. Why would punishment make any sense? In many ways, I am still not sure. I do know that I feel responded to, cared for, and safe within the boundaries of this kind of relationship structure where more serious hurt is just not an option.
I have a need. On the other hand, Grant does not have an emotional need to be punished, or to have boundaries established for him. We figured out that would not in any way make him feel loved or cared for. Whether it is his personality that makes him so self disciplined, or his dominant character that makes him not need/want a punishment dynamic, I am not sure, but that is where it stands. Fortunately our personalities and needs dovetail.
In reality, the role of ”punishment’ spanking has become one of expression (his disapproval), resolution (our disagreements), and when called for, the re-establishment of the roles and responsibilities in our marriage (i.e. who’s in charge). When Grant feels I have over stepped bounds, broken an agreed upon rule, or been disrespectful to him, spanking is a way to communicate. It causes us both to focus on what is not working and why, and then to reboot the dominant/submissive dynamic. All spanking takes us in this direction, but punishments really up the ante.
There is something that makes punishments hurt beyond the obvious fact that spankings hurt. When Grant punishes he does not use a warm up. That makes the spanking physically hurt a lot more. He also spanks harder. However, I have taken some long hard spankings that were not punishment a lot better than a punishment spanking. Over time I eventually learned to let down my inner walls enough that I almost always cry when I am punished. Yes it is the pain, but it also has a lot to do with the high emotions, knowing I have disappointed him, and learning to allow the needed catharsis to occur. Accepting discipline is so highly submissive of an act, emotionally and physically, that it is truly both fulfilling on some level and cathartic, as much as it is also absolutely something to be avoided at all cost!
Every DD wife I know has true ambivalence about punishment. We hate it/love it. We need it. We want to know our Dominant can and will provide it. We need to know it is there and will be used if called for. We do not want to do that which would earn it. What a bind! Grant and I use very regular spanking sessions to take the pressure off, and maybe because of that. I find that true punishments are rare.
I guess, to define terms, I would separate out punishments and Punishments. The first are disciplinary in nature, but we really are using spanking to highlight and/or remind of expectations. If I lost my temper and yelled at Grant, he might pull me OTK and give me 20 hard whacks with a paddle. To me that is a lower case p punishment. It is a “Hey! Get it together and stop acting like that” spanking. No capitol P there. The real Punishments are far and few between, and an emotional experience that is not something either of us enjoys. We know it works for us, but it is not a fun or pleasant time.
This weekend there was a Punishment. It started with a smaller thing that would have called for a punishment, without the P. The offense was missing exercise for three days and going off my diet. I did not follow our rules, and didn’t keep to our health agreements. However, the fact is, while Grant had let me slide recently and promised he would spank if I messed up again, this is not usually a Punishment offense. Things like that are just going to happen from time to time. When he spanks it motivates me to try harder not to mess up for a long while, and it works for us. What made it a P offense was the reasons the lapse occurred.
I really do try very hard to cooperate, to do the things I have agreed to, to be a fully engaged partner in our Domestic Discipline marriage. One of the things we have agreed upon is that if I feel I am having trouble following our rules, I need to tell Grant, to utilize his strength to bolster mine, if I need to. In other words, if my determination is slipping, and I have not exercised today, it is expected that I will tell him. He will growl and tell me to get myself in gear and go do it NOW, and that takes away the option to cop out. If I am feeling down, I need to tell him. Whatever is going on, I need to stay open and communicative.
That is one big part of what keeps in sync. After our fight last week, and after he left, I found that although we mostly worked through things, I was just in a funk. I was still wound up, feeling disconnected, and ultimately let things slide. I stopped exercising and went off my diet. Not as a conscious decision, but I just could not bring myself to care. More importantly, I didn’t tell him. That is my job to do so.
We all have our stories we tell ourselves in our heads, the records that play when we are feeling down, self doubt or insecure. One of mine is that Grant doesn’t have the time for me. I am a bother. I am too needy…variations on that theme. One of the wonderful things about DD is the development of trust, and more often than not these days I have learned to push through that emotional garbage and to tell him anyway, believing that even though I may feel disconnected, he IS there for me, and I can and will trust him. Trust is often a decision.
So when he came home on Saturday and was going to punish for the exercise and diet, I knew I just had to come clean and tell him what was behind the lapse. That confession definitely upped the ante, from a p to a P. Our marriage, what we do and how we live is all about trust. I failed to do my part, and entrust him with how fragile I was feeling. I know that one is all part of the other. If I had not been feeling so fragile, I would have been able to tell him. The thing is, the Punishment was needed. The whole thing was in some ways a symptom, I believe, of several months of living in two places, lots of stress, and not feeling the strength and connection of our bond the way I need to. Going through the ritual, the mindset, and the physical reality of the Punishment rebooted us, put us back firmly into our dynamic, reminding us (me) of our priorities, our lifestyle…who we are together.
I am so glad we have this tool, a way to set things right without emotional damage between us. I just barely remember how it was before DD…just that there was frequent heart ache. I’ll take a sore bottom any day!
paul1510 said,
June 11, 2008 at 8:50 am
Sara, this is expressed very well, I believe that this is so true.
I have never understood a D D marriage where there is talk of lots of Punishments.
In my marriage, lack of trust and failing to look after herself were the main reasons for Punishments, it wasn’t obligatory, if Mel didn’t understand the need there was no point.
Some people find it hard to believe but Mel instigated all the serious Punishments, I’m not talking about stress busters or attitude adjustments, the day to day small things that kept our marriage rolling smoothly.
Serious formal Punishments were hard on both of us, they were rare but necessary and left us both emotionally exhausted, but both more dedicated to our marriage then ever.
Thank you Sara for an excellent post.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
oliviamanners said,
June 11, 2008 at 8:57 am
Hi sara
It was lovely to read this, firstly because you write with great self-awareness, but also because nearly every other line I was thinking ” yes! “… I could relate to and understand so much of what you write.
There was a long time when I worried too much and unnecessarily about whether I was being a ‘ bother’ or too needy, I now really know that these kind of thoughts are unhelpful to us both and I have become much more trusting to tell him when things feel disconnected.
I would really agree the rituals, mindsets and physical reality of being Disciplined help us to reconnect firmly to who we are together .
Olivia
lori60 said,
June 11, 2008 at 9:09 am
Sara, great post. You have explained a dd woman’s need for punishment very well. I also worry I get too needy but I don’t believe, in my experience in talking with dd women, that it is not an uncommon thing. We know what spanking does for us and I know that our HOH has realized this as well. This realization and the closeness it brings is what keeps them consistent.
I totally agree with you…I’d rather have a sore bottom than a hurt heart, like I used to.
Hugs,
Lori
Rose said,
June 11, 2008 at 9:44 am
I can totally relate to that record in your head. I’ve got an “I’m too needy” one playing in mine most of the time.
I’m sorry you got Punished, but I’m glad for the results. With all the stress that Red and I have been under, we’re not stranger to the disconnected feeling. Fortunately for him to feel reconnected all it takes is a good talk. For me though, sometimes it takes more. I’d take a sore bottom any day over feeling distant from him.
I Gal said,
June 11, 2008 at 10:02 am
Sara ,
Excellent post. I certainly understand that love/hate relationship with punishment spankings. I rarely get punishment spankings, but when I do my crying quickly becomes sobbing soon after the “first contact” if not before. The hurt in my heart is so deep because I have disappointed the love of my life.
Nothing heals my hurting heart and head better than a spanking. I am learning how trusting my hoh when I am most fragile is so important. When I let go and submit we are once again in “one” accord. DD has renewed our love for each other. I can not imagine our life without it
Grazie Infinite ( thank you very much),
I Gal
Scarlett said,
June 11, 2008 at 11:12 am
Sara!
I have been reading your blog from the beginning since I discovered it sometime over the last week. I just started your May blog and thought I’d wait until I got caught up to you to send a comment, but find I don’t want to wait! Thank you for allowing us access to your blog. I can barely tear myself away because I find that I identify with you in so many ways: always an interest in spanking, married 20 years, wanting my husband to take the lead but not allowing him to, feeling that our relationship needs a change. I did feel like I was alone until recently. To whom would I ‘admit’ an interest in spanking? No one! My husband asked me recently, teasingly, if I wanted a spanking and I think that just opened the floodgates! I had never before put the word ’spanking’ in a search engine, but now felt like if I did he would not think I was the biggest weirdo on the planet. So I searched and found that I am not alone! In fact, I am VERY much in good company! That is reassuring! My husband and I are not in a DD relationship, but I did show him some of your blog and we have discussed, a little, how this would work for us. Even though I have been with him for 23 years, I never imagined he would be this open. Who knew? I feel like we could use some structure in our relationship (well, a lot) and this could help. Thanks Sara, I know I could go on and on and on!
Scarlett
Hil said,
June 11, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Hi Sara
Need to say nothing as usual as you have said it all, and so eloquently.
Hil
sparkle said,
June 11, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Sara, you wrote: “Why would I deserve to be punished? I am a very decent person, responsible, giving. I try hard to accommodate and cooperate. Why would punishment make any sense? In many ways, I am still not sure.”
Besides answering the question yourself through the entry, I just wanted to say that I think that we don’t “deserve” Punishment for our mistakes. We deserve Consequences, just as all adults know that every action has a consequence. In our (DD) relationships, we choose Punishment as the best consequence for our actions … even if it’s not necessarily the easiest.
And yes, breaking trust is definitely a reason for punishments to become Punishments. On the other hand, confession isn’t exactly a cake walk.
I really relate to your “p”unishment vs. “P”unishment scenario. I’ve been punished the last two nights… I can’t even remember precisely the last time I was Punished. Nor do I really want to!
sparkle
David L. said,
June 13, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Sara you strike me as too good and wonderful to merit the tangible Punishment you received or perhaps it is that system of Punishments that brings out your goodness!
Sara said,
June 15, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Paul, we each have our own rhythm in our marriages, and DD marriages are no different. I agree, they do leave us more committed to our marriage than ever.
Olivia, I am glad you felt you could relate. I am hoping eventually the worry of being too needy will be a thing of the past.
You are right, of course, Lori…whatever it takes.
Rose, that feeling of disconnect is so painful. I would go pretty far to avoid that.
I Gal, I agree, the emotions of knowing I have disappointed my husband are (almost) worse than any spanking could be.
Scarlett, thank you for your very nice comment, and welcome! We also started DD after 20 years of marriage, and these past 3 have been the very best! Feel free to make comments or ask questions.
Hil, thank you!
Sparkle, your comment:
“all adults know that every action has a consequence. In our (DD) relationships, we choose Punishment as the best consequence for our actions”
was exactly what I was trying to get to. And yes, “P”s are perhaps best forgotten!
David, see Sparkle’s comment above. Joking aside, I do think it is true that I am a better person because of DD. It is not really because of the punishments though, but the focus and effort.
Miss Enomis said,
July 20, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Hi Sara.
Thank you for this post. It gives me hope to know that there are women like me out there. I’m barely in my twenties and have a dim view of marriage and relationships, because I just don’t think I can find anyone who can give me what I need. My one really serious relationship, which lasted for years and was going to be IT, ended disastrously with both of us being an emotional mess. But now I know what it is that I want, and I’m incredibly relieved to see that I have a chance.
Sara said,
July 23, 2008 at 5:44 am
Miss Enonomis, there certainly are many ‘women like you’ out there! Stick to who you are. The right man will come along! Sara