Commitment
Life goes on. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, going through my days as wife and mother, friend and business woman. I cook, I work, I laugh. I am also having some trouble sleeping. I feel a bit fragile, but nothing overt. I told a friend it feels like I am bruised. I have been thru a trauma and nothing is broken, but there is a bruise…maybe on my heart? It doesn’t really hurt very much unless it happens to get poked. There is a little bit of a faint ache at times, under the surface, but life goes on.
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Mixed in with this is the awareness of how lucky I am to have had the kind of parents I did, the kind I truly miss on a daily basis. My mom was a truly special lady. Elegant, artistic, independent and smart, loving, always her own person. My dad was my father, but also my mentor, my colleague and at times my friend. I am proud of who both of my parents were and know I am a very lucky person, blessed really. Knowing that is a comfort.
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Through these past two weeks the stresses continued. Grant’s step father died. Though not his father, they had a really nice relationship, and too, seeing his mother’s grief was painful. Taking our kids to two funerals to bury two grandfathers in two weeks was painful too.
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On the home front, our kitchen is finally DONE, but that took until last Friday, and wow was that stressful…only 8 weeks past schedule! We are a family that is very attached to our regular meals. And then the kitchen is the heart of the home. It has been a rough summer all around.
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The wonderful thing is we are doing really fine. Not that we don’t have issues, disagreements and frustrations. We are pretty normal, after all. But mostly we stand strong and together thru the storms these days. I really think that is because of Domestic Discipline, and how we committed to live that lifestyle. For nearly three years we have traveled a road together that has caused us to look deep within ourselves to see who we are, the stuff we are made of, and to offer that to the relationship. It has been challenging, difficult, rewarding and fulfilling. We are so much closer and happier.
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One of the basics of our marriage is sticking to the agreements we make. We have worked to figure out what works for us, and once we agree to something we do not waver, back off, or forget. Our marriage is simply too precious to us to forget our promises. We hold ourselves to standards, and even each other when necessary. The basics of that for us involve how we treat each other, the power dynamic we agreed to…the rules that support that, and regular spanking rituals. The spanking is a ritualistic acting out of the power dynamic. It affirms and reminds who we are in relation to each other. I doubt we would be so settled within our roles if we had not committed to that on a very routine basis. We committed to us, we decided what that meant in terms of our routines, and then we committed to that, in support of us.
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I guess that sounds a bit confusing, but here is what I am getting at: It is no big secret that I am feeling fragile and a little down. Grant is very stressed and sad as well. We committed several years ago to engage in some sort of spanking activity, what we call “maintenace” twice a week. We did that because I needed that, and eventually we needed that, to keep me and us on track in a myriad of ways. To keep me de-stressed, focused on our agreements, to remind Grant of his job to hold me to our agreements. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes disciplinary, sometimes highly emotional, sometimes even, now and again, a dud. But no matter what, unless we are very sick, or we have to postpone for a night, we follow our routine. Several nights ago, it was time for ‘maintenance’ and I just did not feel like it…again. I did not want to be spanked, to feel the pain, to allow the emotions to surface. Grant was kind, loving, steady and insistent. He reminded me that this is what we do, even when we don’t ‘feel’ like it, because it keeps us going, because we committed to each other. I knew, of course, that we would follow thru. I wasn’t even asking nit to, because we both understand that is not an option. Still, it was good to be reminded.
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Recently I have been talking a lot to a friend who has been going through a very rough time. In their DD marriage they have struggled all along with consistency. They recently abandoned DD, and went thru a martial crisis. I think I was mostly upset to see my friend hurting. I am realizing, though, that I am also upset at their inability to see clearly the commitment that must be made, and the lack there of, and how it affects their marriage. Like so many, it is right there for the taking, and they let the brass ring pass by. To grab that ring, one must reach. Why do people understand that they must go to work every day, that the meals must be made and the dog walked…yes every day, but they do not get that they must nurture their marriage every day, too? Why do they not see that yes, a DD relationship can offer a higher level of intimacy, love and respect, but nothing is for free. The price is daily work. It just is. That takes commitment. I think it simply comes down to how bad do you want it, and what are you willing to do to have it? Beneath all the complications and emotions, at some point you need to “Just Do It!”
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Maybe because Grant and I had lost our marriage, we knew from the start how precious each day together was. We took nothing for granted. A successful DD marriage is like anything else. It takes doing what you promised, doing your job, be it submitting or directing, confessing or punishing, working to share, stay open and communicative…every day, one after the other. Will you mess up? We do. But we try our hardest. We do not accept from ourselves that the kids, a headache, no privacy, too tired, or I don’t feel like it, is any kind of excuse to not live up to our agreements. It is that very basic. We honor our commitments, because it is the right thing to do, and also because the reality is, you simply get what you pay for. Life is like that.
Thank You
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all for your kind, warm and supportive comments. When I began blogging I didn’t ‘know’ even one of you. Now I feel like I have some friends out there in cyber world. A community that I am a part of. It is good to be part of you, and especially right now even helpful, to feel the warmth and caring. Thank you.
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So what’s wrong with me? I know, I know…my dad died. I feel sad. It is a major life change to accept I have outlived the family I was born to… I know all that. But I don’t like feeling like this. The vulnerably, the unsettled feeling deep inside. I want to be fully in control of me and my world and I am not. I don’t want to “understand”, to “be patient”, “give it time”…I want me back. I feel uncomfortable with myself right now.
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Everything that effects me effects us, the marriage. Grant was wonderful through the past three months, leaving his work behind to take me to be with my dad, staying with me every step of the way, from the hospital to the funeral. But now he is back at work, and focused there, as he should be. Don’t get me wrong. I am well attended to, as usual. Not that his idea of ‘attention’ is always welcomed. And I do not always like Grant’s work demeanor when he is on a project. I am living with that now, 24/7. The best and worst of him comes out. He is single minded, focused, determined, dominant, relentless. His tone gets too sharp, too loud for me, and it grates on my sensitive emotions sometimes…maybe more so right now.
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I have had a couple of DD friends tell me they wish their husbands could be “more dominant”, “more like Grant”. Aside from the issue of how you could possibly wish your husband was more like someone else (how very sad for the poor husband) I think people do not always realize that they might not like it if their fantasy became a reality. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is the best. I love and adore him, but living with a man like him is not easy. Truly. There are days…. Yesterday was one.
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We took the kids with us and went out to diner as our kitchen is still not quite functional. You know how there are some days when your spouse just irritates the bejesus out of you? Some of it is for good reason as they ARE being irritating, but some of the irritation is for no reason at all. I really tried to clamp it down. I have felt that we are a little out of balance anyway, or maybe it is just me who is out of balance….who knows…and there have been a few words, a couple of spankings…even a P (see here for explanation). I didn’t want to fight.
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On the car ride home there were various things said between Grant and the kids, the kids and me, me and Grant…I found myself feeling really frustrated. I tried hard to push down those feelings and as the anger rose, to just be quiet. For the last six minutes of the ride I was silent. We needed to pull over to our horse coral on the way home so my daughter could hay her horse. She got out, and as we sat I suddenly felt I just HAD to get put of that car. I quietly and carefully said to Grant. “I want to get out and walk the rest of the way home.” The ‘rest of the way’ was a 1/4 mile to our front door. Granted down a dark country road, on a night when the rodeo was on, so there may have been cars, but on OUR property too. I have no idea what he was thinking but he responded “No, you stay here.” I was really surprised. Hoping that somehow he must have just not understood, I repeated, “I just want to walk home, to get out for a few minutes.” He responded firmly, “I want you to stay here in the car.” There were two fifteen year old boys in the back seat, my son and his friend. I said nothing, as my stomach turned with resentment. I sat still, quiet, fuming.
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When we got home, I greeted the dogs and went immediately up to our bedroom, closed the door and sat on the bed, opened my laptop and just stared at the screen wondering what was wrong with that man? What was wrong with me. Grant does not commonly say no for no good reason. I get that. On the other hand, there are times I simply am unaware of his intent. And then here are times he tells me to do something just because. Either way, I am supposed to listen, to ’submit’ to his authority. I did, but with an angry heart.
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I tried to settle down and began chatting, and ten minutes later Grant came into our room. He began with “What is wrong with you? Why are you upset?” Frankly, I am not even sure what I said, something to brush off the question, deflecting the issue, but I did ask “Grant, why wouldn’t you let me get out of the car?” He answered “Because I didn’t want you to…(pause)… Think of it as a submission exercise.” Wow was I mad. I answered tightly “Well then I guess I did fine with that because I didn’t move.” I didn’t do fine. I was angry and resentful. My thoughts went to “Now? Now when I am feeling so lousy you want to do a freakin submission exercise? I really didn’t want to do what he was telling me to do right then. I wanted to get out, badly. And why the heck do I want to live like this anyway? Will someone please remind me?” I sucked it all in to mull over. This is my problem really, not his.
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In truth, submission is mostly a choice, and a decision. No dominant makes you submit. I don’t feel submissive right now and I really don’t want to be told what to do. I feel raw inside, achy and angry and sad. But the other truth is that when your partner is dominant, and you are not feeling so submissive, you are going to bang up against each other. Grant is pretty immovable and when we bang, I am expected to yield. If not, I end up with the bump, or in our case, the sore bottom. The funny thing is that I also depend on him to be immoveable, solid and steady. It is reassuring. It is also driving me crazy. Sometimes maybe you just don’t want what you really need?
