Thank You
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all for your kind, warm and supportive comments. When I began blogging I didn’t ‘know’ even one of you. Now I feel like I have some friends out there in cyber world. A community that I am a part of. It is good to be part of you, and especially right now even helpful, to feel the warmth and caring. Thank you.
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So what’s wrong with me? I know, I know…my dad died. I feel sad. It is a major life change to accept I have outlived the family I was born to… I know all that. But I don’t like feeling like this. The vulnerably, the unsettled feeling deep inside. I want to be fully in control of me and my world and I am not. I don’t want to “understand”, to “be patient”, “give it time”…I want me back. I feel uncomfortable with myself right now.
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Everything that effects me effects us, the marriage. Grant was wonderful through the past three months, leaving his work behind to take me to be with my dad, staying with me every step of the way, from the hospital to the funeral. But now he is back at work, and focused there, as he should be. Don’t get me wrong. I am well attended to, as usual. Not that his idea of ‘attention’ is always welcomed. And I do not always like Grant’s work demeanor when he is on a project. I am living with that now, 24/7. The best and worst of him comes out. He is single minded, focused, determined, dominant, relentless. His tone gets too sharp, too loud for me, and it grates on my sensitive emotions sometimes…maybe more so right now.
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I have had a couple of DD friends tell me they wish their husbands could be “more dominant”, “more like Grant”. Aside from the issue of how you could possibly wish your husband was more like someone else (how very sad for the poor husband) I think people do not always realize that they might not like it if their fantasy became a reality. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is the best. I love and adore him, but living with a man like him is not easy. Truly. There are days…. Yesterday was one.
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We took the kids with us and went out to diner as our kitchen is still not quite functional. You know how there are some days when your spouse just irritates the bejesus out of you? Some of it is for good reason as they ARE being irritating, but some of the irritation is for no reason at all. I really tried to clamp it down. I have felt that we are a little out of balance anyway, or maybe it is just me who is out of balance….who knows…and there have been a few words, a couple of spankings…even a P (see here for explanation). I didn’t want to fight.
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On the car ride home there were various things said between Grant and the kids, the kids and me, me and Grant…I found myself feeling really frustrated. I tried hard to push down those feelings and as the anger rose, to just be quiet. For the last six minutes of the ride I was silent. We needed to pull over to our horse coral on the way home so my daughter could hay her horse. She got out, and as we sat I suddenly felt I just HAD to get put of that car. I quietly and carefully said to Grant. “I want to get out and walk the rest of the way home.” The ‘rest of the way’ was a 1/4 mile to our front door. Granted down a dark country road, on a night when the rodeo was on, so there may have been cars, but on OUR property too. I have no idea what he was thinking but he responded “No, you stay here.” I was really surprised. Hoping that somehow he must have just not understood, I repeated, “I just want to walk home, to get out for a few minutes.” He responded firmly, “I want you to stay here in the car.” There were two fifteen year old boys in the back seat, my son and his friend. I said nothing, as my stomach turned with resentment. I sat still, quiet, fuming.
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When we got home, I greeted the dogs and went immediately up to our bedroom, closed the door and sat on the bed, opened my laptop and just stared at the screen wondering what was wrong with that man? What was wrong with me. Grant does not commonly say no for no good reason. I get that. On the other hand, there are times I simply am unaware of his intent. And then here are times he tells me to do something just because. Either way, I am supposed to listen, to ’submit’ to his authority. I did, but with an angry heart.
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I tried to settle down and began chatting, and ten minutes later Grant came into our room. He began with “What is wrong with you? Why are you upset?” Frankly, I am not even sure what I said, something to brush off the question, deflecting the issue, but I did ask “Grant, why wouldn’t you let me get out of the car?” He answered “Because I didn’t want you to…(pause)… Think of it as a submission exercise.” Wow was I mad. I answered tightly “Well then I guess I did fine with that because I didn’t move.” I didn’t do fine. I was angry and resentful. My thoughts went to “Now? Now when I am feeling so lousy you want to do a freakin submission exercise? I really didn’t want to do what he was telling me to do right then. I wanted to get out, badly. And why the heck do I want to live like this anyway? Will someone please remind me?” I sucked it all in to mull over. This is my problem really, not his.
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In truth, submission is mostly a choice, and a decision. No dominant makes you submit. I don’t feel submissive right now and I really don’t want to be told what to do. I feel raw inside, achy and angry and sad. But the other truth is that when your partner is dominant, and you are not feeling so submissive, you are going to bang up against each other. Grant is pretty immovable and when we bang, I am expected to yield. If not, I end up with the bump, or in our case, the sore bottom. The funny thing is that I also depend on him to be immoveable, solid and steady. It is reassuring. It is also driving me crazy. Sometimes maybe you just don’t want what you really need?
Lilly said,
July 13, 2008 at 12:25 am
Honey, I don’t know that I have any words of wisdom right now – but we are wrapping you in big, deep, warm hugs.
I think you are right on in that somtimes we need that which we do not want. Also, (and I think we are quite alike in this way), we handle things – always handle things all the way through. Then after… after when life starts to go on – *that* is the time things are the roughest. I am even more needy on a much deeper level. That’s when all the emotions that have set aside, ignored or denied come to the fore. It makes sense… it’s quiet – the doing is done… now is the time for feeling and through that, healing.
I’ll bet your Grant knows and is tightening things up a bit – making sure you feel the safe place he provides – as you go through your anger, ache and sadness.
We’re holding you tight in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Lilly & Paul
ggg said,
July 13, 2008 at 1:01 am
I can really relate to how you feel. There are times I feel hate for my husband when he is being dominant…at the same time I expect him to be dominant; I need him to be dominant. I just read your blog on trust. As I was reading it I felt sad that my husband and I have not yet reached that place in our relationship. I guess it is the letting go when we feel the need to be in control that allows us to explore “trust” at a deeper level. I try to avoid giving advice…but allow yourself to feel. Spend time with the pain, don’t deny it or try to fight it. The pain is real – allow yourself to explore it and accept it.
Constance said,
July 13, 2008 at 3:46 am
Damned if they do, and damned if they don’t, aren’t they, Sara? I know just what you mean about sometimes feeling like I really need to be cut some slack, and being told what to do seems unfair, unneceessary and irritating! On the other hand, those are often precisely the moments when I most need to feel his arms around me, and his dominance, and that aura of protection that he provides…in part by deciding things for me.
Maybe now would be a good time for a spanking of the type that includes a lot of warm up and a lot of talking and reflection and cuddling. (I say this because I know that’s what I myself really need!)
Fondly,
Constance
Southern Angel said,
July 13, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Hi Sara,
There are times when I wish JD was more dominant but deep down I know that I would have trouble dealing with him if he was dominant all the time. I think Grant is a great guy but if I were in your place, we would butt heads daily!
I don’t have any advice on how to deal with your grief since everyone must deal with it in their own way. Have you told Grant how you feel right now, how you feel vulnerable? He may be so wrapped up in his work that he doesn’t realize how much you need him now. If you haven’t told him, I think you should. I know we women like to pretend nothing is wrong (and to answer with a “nothing, I’m fine” when asked what is wrong) but you owe it to your relationship to tell him what you need from him or at least tell him that you need him.
I hope you start to find your way soon and know that we in blogland are thinking about your family and praying for you.
Grant said,
July 13, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Dear Sara and all, (especially the men)
It is really very important to maintain the structures of your agreements with your spouses when things get rough. As you know, Sara has lost the most influential man in her life, one who has guided her and loved her for over fifty years. I am very aware that some rough spots will be expected and it is our jobs to make sure the ground under our loved one’s feet stand firm in these circumstances. On the other hand there is a delicate balance with understanding clearly what is happening to our special angels. I hope to not be long winded, but here is my perspective:
The balance between providing security through tough love, and providing understanding through careful listening and observing, is paramount to maintaining a healthy and helpful relationship in DD.
I have to monitor not only my own decisions and behavior, but also be aware of what is actually going on in her mind. Careful consideration must be given when she is venting, arguing irrationally, or just being pushy. In normal circumstances, gentlemen, I need not tell you the required solution! However, in circumstances where there is loss, emotional upheaval due to things not in her or our control, we have to be sensitive and aware.
Balance is always an important facet of structuring our relationships, but it is most needed in these difficult times. Also, be aware of your own feelings. I am also very disturbed by the death of my father-in-law. Although we had our very big differences, I come from a line of Italians and that means deep respect for the hierarchy of family. Also, we did come to have much respect for each other in the past few years, so I too feel loss. This is key to understanding Sara and our loved ones under these circumstances – that we factor in our feelings as well.
Just to summarize: Balance discipline with love, as always, but remember, when the ship is bouncing around in a storm, keep your woman safe and dry as much as you can.
The Best,
Grant
Lilly said,
July 13, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Grant,
There is no doubt Sara is in loving capable hands. Lilly
spankeditaliangal said,
July 13, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Sara
I know how much the kind support of the dd cyberworld friends helped me when I lost my Grandmother recently. Very well written post. I too am married to a dominant, relentless, consistent, yet loving man. I am working hard on submission as well. What I am learning is that my submission is not a part time thing to do when I feel like it. Lots of trust involved.
Thank you Grant for commenting. I also really gained some insight into the hoh’s mindset by reading Grants’ comment. Sara you and Grant are an awesome duo. It is always educational and a pleasure to read your post.
Ciao,
I Gal
Jess said,
July 14, 2008 at 3:43 am
HI Sara,
Grief is overwhelming and impossible to put in an emotional bucket or categorize. Everything just sucks for awhile. I think you are going to have to “walk through it.” Nothing helps, nothing really makes it worse either. It’s just a painful journey.
It seems like everyhing people say is irritating at times like these. My mom used to get so mad when people would tell her that her late husband was “better off.” I don’t think there are soothing words for this. You need to vent to talk, to cry, to shut down. Do what you need to do to get through.
Take care
-Jess
Marie said,
July 14, 2008 at 10:39 am
Dear Sara-
I am so sorry that you are going through this rough patch. Your writing and sharing have meant so much to me over the last ten months that if there is anything that I could do for you, I would do it.
I guess what you need changes minute to minute as you process this loss. Grant is a safe place to mourn and a safe place to rage. There is a foundation of love that will not crumble.
Love,
Marie
swan said,
July 14, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Sara —
Right now, I’d be very surprised if you actually “want” anything at all that anyone on this earth can give you. I’d be very surprised if there was anything much at all that would make you feel “happy” and “contented” and “secure.”
Right now, you are hurting and you are sad. That is simply a part of being alive that you will have to make it through. There isn’t any way for anyone to make it easier for you, sadly.
But, your life is good, and you are secure — even if it doesn’t feel that way to you just at this moment. Grant is a solid, steady, secure presence and reality for you, and you can count on him. So, you can fuss and pout and whine and cry all you want to, and all you need to. Your healing will come about in time, and in the meanwhile, he will hold you up, and hold onto you ,and hold you in place exactly as he sees you need those things from him.
The hardest thing about grieving is the dissonance between what we know and what we feel. You know what you need even when you don’t want any part of it. Choose to let him care for you out of his love and his wisdom. He can bring you through this to the place where it all feels good again.
hugs, swan
Sara said,
July 23, 2008 at 5:54 am
Lilly, you are right of course, that I tend to crash after the fact. Hugs always welcomed!
ggg, you are right, trusting him to take care of me is important, even when I don’t feel like it.
Constance, yes, that spanking happened, and continues to, The consistency thru the troubled times is surely needed , even if not always wanted.
Grant, I am simply so grateful I have you to lean on!
Thanks I Gal
Jess, I appreciate your thoughts!
Marie, I am just taking things day by day, knowing it will get better.
Swan, wise advice as usual. Thank you.