Commitment
Life goes on. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, going through my days as wife and mother, friend and business woman. I cook, I work, I laugh. I am also having some trouble sleeping. I feel a bit fragile, but nothing overt. I told a friend it feels like I am bruised. I have been thru a trauma and nothing is broken, but there is a bruise…maybe on my heart? It doesn’t really hurt very much unless it happens to get poked. There is a little bit of a faint ache at times, under the surface, but life goes on.
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Mixed in with this is the awareness of how lucky I am to have had the kind of parents I did, the kind I truly miss on a daily basis. My mom was a truly special lady. Elegant, artistic, independent and smart, loving, always her own person. My dad was my father, but also my mentor, my colleague and at times my friend. I am proud of who both of my parents were and know I am a very lucky person, blessed really. Knowing that is a comfort.
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Through these past two weeks the stresses continued. Grant’s step father died. Though not his father, they had a really nice relationship, and too, seeing his mother’s grief was painful. Taking our kids to two funerals to bury two grandfathers in two weeks was painful too.
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On the home front, our kitchen is finally DONE, but that took until last Friday, and wow was that stressful…only 8 weeks past schedule! We are a family that is very attached to our regular meals. And then the kitchen is the heart of the home. It has been a rough summer all around.
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The wonderful thing is we are doing really fine. Not that we don’t have issues, disagreements and frustrations. We are pretty normal, after all. But mostly we stand strong and together thru the storms these days. I really think that is because of Domestic Discipline, and how we committed to live that lifestyle. For nearly three years we have traveled a road together that has caused us to look deep within ourselves to see who we are, the stuff we are made of, and to offer that to the relationship. It has been challenging, difficult, rewarding and fulfilling. We are so much closer and happier.
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One of the basics of our marriage is sticking to the agreements we make. We have worked to figure out what works for us, and once we agree to something we do not waver, back off, or forget. Our marriage is simply too precious to us to forget our promises. We hold ourselves to standards, and even each other when necessary. The basics of that for us involve how we treat each other, the power dynamic we agreed to…the rules that support that, and regular spanking rituals. The spanking is a ritualistic acting out of the power dynamic. It affirms and reminds who we are in relation to each other. I doubt we would be so settled within our roles if we had not committed to that on a very routine basis. We committed to us, we decided what that meant in terms of our routines, and then we committed to that, in support of us.
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I guess that sounds a bit confusing, but here is what I am getting at: It is no big secret that I am feeling fragile and a little down. Grant is very stressed and sad as well. We committed several years ago to engage in some sort of spanking activity, what we call “maintenace” twice a week. We did that because I needed that, and eventually we needed that, to keep me and us on track in a myriad of ways. To keep me de-stressed, focused on our agreements, to remind Grant of his job to hold me to our agreements. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes disciplinary, sometimes highly emotional, sometimes even, now and again, a dud. But no matter what, unless we are very sick, or we have to postpone for a night, we follow our routine. Several nights ago, it was time for ‘maintenance’ and I just did not feel like it…again. I did not want to be spanked, to feel the pain, to allow the emotions to surface. Grant was kind, loving, steady and insistent. He reminded me that this is what we do, even when we don’t ‘feel’ like it, because it keeps us going, because we committed to each other. I knew, of course, that we would follow thru. I wasn’t even asking nit to, because we both understand that is not an option. Still, it was good to be reminded.
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Recently I have been talking a lot to a friend who has been going through a very rough time. In their DD marriage they have struggled all along with consistency. They recently abandoned DD, and went thru a martial crisis. I think I was mostly upset to see my friend hurting. I am realizing, though, that I am also upset at their inability to see clearly the commitment that must be made, and the lack there of, and how it affects their marriage. Like so many, it is right there for the taking, and they let the brass ring pass by. To grab that ring, one must reach. Why do people understand that they must go to work every day, that the meals must be made and the dog walked…yes every day, but they do not get that they must nurture their marriage every day, too? Why do they not see that yes, a DD relationship can offer a higher level of intimacy, love and respect, but nothing is for free. The price is daily work. It just is. That takes commitment. I think it simply comes down to how bad do you want it, and what are you willing to do to have it? Beneath all the complications and emotions, at some point you need to “Just Do It!”
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Maybe because Grant and I had lost our marriage, we knew from the start how precious each day together was. We took nothing for granted. A successful DD marriage is like anything else. It takes doing what you promised, doing your job, be it submitting or directing, confessing or punishing, working to share, stay open and communicative…every day, one after the other. Will you mess up? We do. But we try our hardest. We do not accept from ourselves that the kids, a headache, no privacy, too tired, or I don’t feel like it, is any kind of excuse to not live up to our agreements. It is that very basic. We honor our commitments, because it is the right thing to do, and also because the reality is, you simply get what you pay for. Life is like that.
Constance said,
July 25, 2008 at 1:35 am
This is a really lovely post, Sara, and very, very true. I’m sorry for the recent deaths in your family, but it’s good to see you back, and you sound strong, and committed to moving forward. Hugs to you and Grant both.
Fondly,
Constance
I Gal said,
July 25, 2008 at 1:38 am
Sara
I agree with you…committment is vital in a successful marriage. The dd lifestyle flourishes with many important elements. Among them are the 3 c’s: committment, consitency and caring. Most anything worth having and keeping requires perserverance and complete dedication. Having a close intimate relationship that shares mutual trust and uncondional love does not just happen.
Sara, having been raised by wonderful loving parents, having healthy and happy children, and feeling the love of a caring husband are invaluable and irreplaceable life treasures. I can tell in reading your well worded blogs that you never take that for granted. As you said “marriage is a precious gift”. J & I are thankful for that gift every single day. Thank you for the simple reminder of how important it is to nourish our marriage- daily.
I am so glad your kitchen is finally finished. Us Italians need a kitchen as much as much as a fish needs water!
Ciao,
I Gal
paul1510 said,
July 25, 2008 at 10:57 am
Sara, a lovely post, if anyone will make it you will, “you simply get what you pay for.”
So true, you pay by love, trust, communication and commitment to just doing every day of your life, it’s so worth it!!!
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Hermione said,
July 25, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Hi Sara,
You are indeed a very lucky woman if you can look back on your life and be glad you had the parents you did. Not everyone can say that. In fact, I suspect the majority can’t, at least not about both. You were doubly blessed.
Your bruised heart will heal in time.
Hugs,
Hermione
Marie said,
July 25, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Sara-
I think of you often and the lovely thoughts and ideas you have shared on your blog through the last years. I continue to learn from you and really appreciate your shared wisdom and experience.
Unfortunately, today I feel like the friend who is letting the brass ring pass her by…unable to reach.
I hope this too shall pass and hope can be very powerful at times.
And I hope for you and Grant a continued peace and satisfaction in your marriage relationship. You’ve earned it for the time you take to go through the rituals even when one or both of you doesn’t really feel it.
Glad your back,
Marie
slavejane07 said,
July 25, 2008 at 1:57 pm
This spoke volumes. I am in a place that….Well, I don’t know where I am anymore. Things are so up in the air. I am so desprate for something..any thing to make me smile. We are mearried still..but you couldn’t tell.
I am sorry for your losses. I hope your heart heals.
Take care
~~jane
Natty said,
July 26, 2008 at 2:37 am
Also just wanted to say what a beautiful post this was and that I’m sending hugs telepathically. I could definitely relate to your feeling of fragility and how that can interfere with discipline. For me it required a break from the whole thing but I can also see where the consistency can be comforting. Sometimes having those immovable things can be so very vital.
Hope your days get easier. And hurt less. Soon.
Sara said,
July 27, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Thank you Constance. It is good to be back, and I am going to try to post more regularly again.
I Gal, You are right, most anything worth having is worth the 3 C’s.
Paul, there is no question of making it, one day at a time.
Hermione, I do count those blessings all the time. I am indeed very fortunate.
Marie, it is just days like those you had that serve to strengthen you! Keep fighting, and just stick together!
Jane, I am sorry you are having a hard time. If the marriage is in any way salvageable I would recommend opening your heart and talking to your husband. I wish you the very best.
Natty, thanks and hugs are always most welcome!
Brian said,
July 31, 2008 at 7:41 pm
It’s a stressful time for many people in many ways. Having and keeping a commitment is very hard, and to do so as one person is even harder.