Finding Sara

Swan made a comment on my Choices post that struck a chord with me:

I have been struggling with this notion of “choice” and decision making in the last couple of weeks. I know how we make decisions for and with one another, but I am sometimes befuddled by others, and I find it disturbing when I am witness to “relationships” that are founded on some sort of exploitive self-interest rather than a commitment to doing what is best for one’s partner and relationship.

Swan got me thinking. I realized I have been recently struggling with this same issue also. At times I am left with real frustration, seeing others make choices in their relationships which lead them to painful places, or keep them stagnant. People talk to me, and always have. Some of it is that I think I am a pretty good listener by nature, some of it is that I am a therapist and worked to hone my natural proclivity. Some of it is that I am open to discussing things in general. I want to talk to my really close friends about the things that matter, and they often talk to me.

When I hear things that seem ‘wrong’ to me, wrong as in just wrong, wrong as in unproductive, dangerous, antithetical to what they say they are trying to achieve in their life or their relationship, I have an awful time keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes I question if this is my ego, a flaw. What right do I have to judge someone else, what they choose to do? On the other hand, how can we not judge? If you are engaging with someone you care at all about in a friendship, and if they present facts to you that force you to draw conclusions, you are left to lie or tell. I do not need to share my opinions with people on the street, other bloggers, or casual acquaintances…only with the people I really do care about. Sometimes that is a dubious honor, I am sure.

On a simple level it is like a girlfriend asking how she looks before she leaves on a date. Do you tell her the dress is not flattering? There are other things to consider. Does she have time to change, have another outfit to put on, even truly want to hear the truth? Does she care about her impression enough that my dishonest answer would allow her to go out unaware that she did not look as she really wants to? As a friend, do I care enough to speak the truth, to help her get to where she says she wants to be rather than where she is?

Part of the issue is that I have learned with surprise and sadness that some people really do not want to know the truth. I am someone who really does want to know. I want to grow, to better myself, and I understand and accept that this will involve discomfort at times. One of the things that Domestic Discipline, at least DD the way we live it, has required is a great deal of introspection and personal growth. It has meant looking at myself and realizing just where I was unfulfilled in my life and my marriage, and accepting that I was, in fact, responsible for a lot of that. It has meant learning to put my ego aside and look carefully at what I am doing to get me and us where we want us to be, and to face up to the places where I fail us both. That process is not easy. Growth and change is simply not about staying comfortable and safe, right where you are.  Forward movement takes change and is often not comfortable in the least.

Choices. I make them multiple times each and every day, and while I do a lot better than I did, I still make a wrong one at times. My temper snaps, I let a small or inconsequential thing irritate me, I ‘forget’ to do something Grant requested of me because I did not priorities him, us. None of these incidents are a big deal. I am not talking about ‘punishable’ offenses. We don’t sweat the small stuff between us. Grant does not make up ’silly’ little reasons to punish. Our dynamic is about respect and love, about enhancing what will strengthen the relationship. We work on the true quality of our marriage, our devotion, and how we carry that out on a daily basis. We look at what we are doing, and what we need to change. We take that seriously and commit to do what it takes, each of us and both of us together. This involves mindfulness. In general I have worked on becoming mindful, and that involves trying to see myself clearly. I struggle, as we all do with this difficult task, but it is so worth the effort. At least we believe it is.

My problem comes when people say they want one thing, but when it comes to their actions, the choices they make, it is clear they are making ones which lead them elsewhere. I do not have as much of a problem if someone just says I want X where you want Y, and they do what it takes to get there. We can agree to disagree, and I am respectful of their choice. Where I stall out is with the people who tell me “I want a DD marriage”, one based on respect, integrity and submission, and then they, for instance, lie to their husband on an ongoing basis, and they accept this from themselves. Or they are repeatedly and blatantly disrespectful, and go on their merry way. Or they say they want him to take control, but they repeatedly refuse to relinquish it. I guess what I am saying is at least attempt to be honestly accountable to yourself.  I just have little patience for dishonesty, in others as well as in myself.

Perhaps that makes me judgemental. I struggle with that. What right do I have? But then I also do not believe that doing anything you feel like in this world is acceptable. We can and do hurt others and ourselves if we do not hold ourselves, and yes even others, accountable. I try to not criticize, but ultimately I feel having integrity means taking a stand. I do not need to go on another’s blog and leave a negative comment. Rather I will decide not to read there if their relationship and ideas bother me. With a friend, with a family member I care for, I need to say what I think, because I have a need for real relationships. For me, those require honesty.

So what is the point here? The more I grow, the harder I find it to be around people who don’t really want to. The better our marital relationship is, the less I am willing to spend time with people who are unhappy, and yet are also unwilling to change. I have found an increasing need to protect my attitude, my positive outlook, and my happiness. I want to surround myself with people who are growing, searching for more, on the same page…those who make solid choices. They really do not need to be the exact same choices that we make. After all, we do have ‘vanilla’ friends, and we do enjoy them. But they do have to be people who live a life consistent with their own values first, and who’s lifestyle values we can at least respect if not agree with. I guess, in the end, that is the choice we make.