Trusting Him
Finally it seems we are there, or at least for today we are. I remember times not so very long ago where what I was feeling yesterday would send me into a tailspin of neediness, self doubt and then alienation…because I could not let him see me, trust him to be there for me. I would push him away, close myself off, so that he might not see how great my need for him was. I needed to learn. It was an issue of learning to trust.
I wrote that post yesterday as a way to vent my emotions, and as a way to set them out, so that he would see them. Even if I lost my nerve later and couldn’t talk to him there they would be on the blog. Grant was gone for 5 days, drove for 3 to get home to us, arriving Friday late afternoon. Saturday he teaches, and Sat night we had our weekly date and went out to dinner. There was no time for sharing my angst, and he is beyond tired, physically, and emotionally too, from dealing with his family problems. Knowing all that made it especially hard to come to him with my problems, on top of all that.
Sometimes, despite what I do know to be so, I go into that “I am too much of a bother” “spanking me is a burden” “ I really should be able to take care of myself”, routine in my head. I felt we were just a bit disconnected, and more than that, I think I was worried we would become so…that my work, his mother, our lives would pull at us both so that we would lose touch. It was the worry more than the reality, and the fear that maybe I would begin to falter and he would be too distracted to catch me. As I said yesterday, way too much noise inside my head! It gets in the way of rationality, and at times can become so loud I am unable to hear my heart clearly. My heart does know better!
So I wrote that post and waited, and here is where I share real life. I know everyone else’s partner gets them perfectly, and always spanks when they need it, and doesn’t require them to explain things in embarrassingly direct detail. Unfortunately, Grant is just not always like that. Sometimes, often, I need to just come out and say it. Men and nuances don’t always mix.
He read the post because I emailed it to him as I do every time I write, but it was already late Sat night, and he emailed me back about how he so wished he could change things so that I could quit my job. Then he promptly fell asleep. Quit my job? I don’t REALLY want to quit my job! Besides that was not the part he was supposed to focus on, and then I felt badly for saying that and making him feel bad! Ugh.
So Sunday comes and I am up very early while he sleeps in, then I go back to sleep while he gets up. By the time we were both up at the same time it was noon and he was making brunch and on his way down to watch football. So what’s a gal to do? Let it drop, wait, see what happens? I know it is my responsibility to let Grant know how I am feeling, especially when I don’t want to. Staying open is part of the commitment.
Friday night I had devised a strategy to try to work on reconnecting by focusing in him. Instead of thinking about what I needed, the one thing I could control was my focus. I tried to shift it from me to him. I tried to think of little things I could do for him, to anticipate his needs, and I also made a decision to think through my attitude, to at least try to be rational in my perspective. I think it helped.
A couple of years ago Grant and I had a pivotal discussion that effected me and really changed the way I see things. We had some argument, I don’t even remember about what anymore, but the end result was that I was furious with him way beyond his crime. He sat down in our room and said he wanted to talk. He quietly asked some questions.
“Do you think I love you?”… “Yes, of course!”
“Do you feel I cherish you?”… “Yes”
“Do I do my best to protect you?”…“Yes”
“Take care of you?”…“Yes”
“Think of you always?”… “Yes”
“So if you truly believe I do my very best to love, cherish, protect and care for you…that I think of you always, why when I make a mistake does that all go away? Why is it as if none of that counts, and there is no trust left? If I falter, make you angry, mess up in some way, why can I not have the benefit of the doubt from you that I am doing my very best, that I DO love you with all my heart, and If I am not perfect it is not for lack of trying.” It became apparent that needed to look inside myself, and learn to trust this man. Grant deserved that.
So, three plus years into DD, when he read that post and did not seem to ‘get it’, when I felt disconnected and needy and was starting to get shaky, I went down to him in front of the TV and asked if we could talk. I came out and just asked if we could do ‘maintenance’ and he said, unbelievably to me, “Didn’t we just do that a couple of nights ago?” For a moment I teetered on feeling rejected, denied, misunderstood. In fact, he had started a maintenance spanking Fri night and got half way through and got…well…‘distracted’. It was fun, and nice, but not the spanking I so needed! He said we would finish…and now he says “didn’t we just…?” I could get mad, sad, or decide to remember the man loves me, cherishes me, tries his best and we are just missing each other this time…and tell him directly what I need. So I did: “Grant, I am not doing so well and really need some attention. That was really a half of a spanking…remember?” “Oh yeah, I forgot!” “Can we talk when you are ready?”
Of course we did, and he did, and it was just what I needed…and a little bit more. I was able to tell him how I felt and why, and to hear him reassure me that he will hold me tight, and keep us on track and safe. I knew…but needed to hear it, as I sometimes do. It is all about trust, and learning to hold on to that even when things look rocky, when one of us messes up, when it is not perfect and like the story books tell us it should be. What we have is real, and very wonderful! I am so grateful for all of it.
Being Superwoman
Ugh, I had to don my cape again. I pulled it out of storage, shook it out, and threw it around my shoulders and did what needed to be done this week. I did what I needed to. I always do my best and usually do it well, but I pay a price.
In the past 3 yrs I have dis-covered a part of myself that was always there, but pushed deep inside and mostly ignored as I was groomed, and then prepared myself to become a woman warrior in the professional world. That is what smart capable women do. They get educated and go out in the arena of the world, and they play to win. They succeed. I did. I won, and found that there was a part of me that was left behind, and I missed her. More importantly I needed her. Grant needed her too. Our marriage did not quite work with my submissive side in chains. Hmmm…Freudian slip? I am not even going there!
Anyway…
Yesterday I read Swan’s post. I thought it was meaningful. She writes about finding that “quiet place” within yourself. For me it is a place where I feel most in sync with me, and him…and who we are together. There is spiritual aspect to it all for sure…at least I do experience it that way. Here’s the thing…sometimes the voices in my head make a heck of a lot of noise. And often the demands of my external world require me to stay alert to them, the voices inside and outside, and also alert to the forces that are there to be contended with. Sometimes I feel like I am a warrior princess who does need to don her armor and fight the dragons of my world. There are times and places when and where Grant just cannot do that for me. In the fairy tales, the princess lives in her castle; she weaves, and works in her garden and waits for her prince. He fights the dragons, protects her always, and rules his castle, lovingly in command. This is the stuff of fantasy…I get that. But it resonates for so many of us.
I thought this week about wanting to quit my job. How lovely it would be to putter and garden and just be Grant’s wife…nothing more. That is not possible or practical on multiple levels, but it does point to the fact that I am stressed and stretched. I am also feeling disgruntled and upset. I am upset with Grant, and for no good or rational reason. I think I am upset because this IS the real world and we cannot live safely inside our intimate and safe power dynamic all the time. That must be his fault, right? Ok, well whatever, he is the leader so I am going to blame it on him! Followers get to be irrational! Although I also know he would do anything to fix all of this if he could. He is not really superman either…darn it!
So here’s the thing. I need him to pull me back from this place where I am feeling insecure because I am losing touch with that submissive part of me, and out of sync with us. I have not really acted out on that, and I am determined not to allow myself to. But it is there and so very uncomfortable. Of course I know what I need: a serious spanking, maybe some ‘submission sessions’. I really don’t want that! I don’t want to go through that to get back to where I need to be, to quiet myself inside. It won’t be fun or easy and really, really…I wish there was some other way. Maybe I can just snap out if this? Yuck.
This is not going to end either. I have several months of needing to step it up at work and be ‘all that’ because my people need it, and I won’t fail them. Grant has lots of traveling to do between his business at the Ranch 300 miles away and his mother 2000 miles away. How do we hold on to US through all of that? One day at a time, with lots of communication and effort on both of our parts. I know pretty much what we will need to do, and that we will, and it will all be ok, but sometimes, I do wish things could be easier.
Doing The Right Thing
Why is that often so hard? It should feel good to do the right things, but sometimes it really doesn’t. It feels stressful, difficult, and just hard. It would be easier to roll over, to take a path of less resistance, but it would be wrong. I know all that, but still sometimes it hurts to have to do what I must.
Tomorrow I have to fire a senior person I have worked with for five years. I like him. I trusted and respected him, but unfortunately he really messed things up to the point where he did a lot of damage to the agency I run, to the people we serve, and to the staff who looked up to him. I have met his wife and kids. This is really hard. I know it is the right thing to do, but it pains me. I have obligations and people to answer to, responsibilities, but that will not make it easier to hurt him, whether it is ‘right’ or not. Leaders bear the burden of doing the right thing, whether it is easy or hard, for the greater good. That does not mean they find it easy. I am sure all the HoH’s out there feel like this sometimes. It is in me to do what I must, but at times like this I realize that being the subordinate player sure has it’s perks!
Grant is leaving very early tomorrow morning to go back to Florida. His mother needs him. I need him too. He was away for 7 days, home for 7, and now will be gone for another 5, not that I am counting. It is just hard. I know he does not want to go either. But his mother is 82, needs his oversight and there are responsibilities that must be met. I would not have it any other way, but letting him go with a smile will be difficult.
Our oldest son, the one who was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder earlier in the year is having some challenges. He is 22, sometimes a ‘normal’ young man and then suddenly not. We are trying to figure out how to understand him, his needs, how to best parent him. He still needs parenting, but not the sort that will undermine his self esteem as a young adult. He needs boundaries apparently, and with the psychiatrist we are setting them. I am not very good at that. I want to gather my big man-boy in my arms and somehow comfort him, and make things all better. He doesn’t even want that, of course. He also doesn’t necessarily want the boundaries we have set, and yet to my surprise he has responded well, perhaps almost with a sense of relief? As we are paying for his University and living expenses we have some leverage, and forcing him to take care of himself, take his meds, see his Dr, are all on the agenda. All of it is healthy and reasonable, and even necessary. A young man with Bi-polar can not afford to be an irresponsible adolescent with his health. But tough love is so very hard. Grant is better at this than I am. I keep having to talk to myself about giving my child what he needs, not what he wants. Being the parent not the friend. Maintaining a larger vision of the long term goals rather than getting lost in his short term and less mature vision of what feels good to him now. I love him and know that if we do not do right by this kid, he will flounder…but I am determined that it will NOT be for my weakness! It still hurts.
And, just to add insult to injury, I found two white hairs in my eyebrows this morning. I know, it is perhaps not really nice to speak out loud of the indignities of aging, but there it is. I am not going to be discreet here. There was a completely white hair on each side! My hair is very dark; there was nothing to be done. I pulled them out, but I know they will grow back.
Now, maybe I will just go and eat worms! Or maybe, just maybe I can stop feeling sorry for myself and count my many blessings and enjoy the really wonderful life I have been given! Yeah, I am thinking this calls for chocolate!
A Reader’s DD Questions
Dear Sara,
I am in my forty’s and my second marriage. My first marriage was ruined by me. I was a very bossy wife, I took control of everything in our life. I constantly nagged or criticized my husband, and I basically walked all over him. Eventually all of our intimacy stopped, and I got frustrated and we divorced. He really wasn’t all that bad of a guy in hindsight although he had his issues like the next person. We were married for over 10 yrs and I feel immensely bad for putting the children through everything.
I married my current husband several years ago, and we have children together. While I can’t exactly say I’m making the exact same mistakes with my husband, I feel that I’m slowly falling back into similar patterns. I’m afraid that I am going to eventually drive him away from me. What I want him to do is just see it, and say enough it stops here. And I want him to take all control of our relationship. I am just too anxious/nervous/whatnot to actually come out and say it. I’ve been on all kinds of websites (like yours which I like the best), but I’m also fearful of change. I know I need discipline, I can almost crave it, I just don’t know the best way to confront him about it.
Also, how would I handle a relationship such as this with my children around? With our blended family things get busy with the kids. Also, I wonder how they would handle such a switch in dynamics to our relationship.
Anyway, I hope that I’m not bugging you too much. I just needed to reach out to someone.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, you are certainly not bugging me. If I did not want to respond to readers I would not. I believe Domestic Discipline saved my marriage and my family, and I feel that sharing about that is something I wish to do.
I do not feel that I ruined our marriage, but that we did. I did things, and Grant did things. However, like you, my need to control, and my inability to allow my husband any role of leadership in our family compromised us as a couple, and eventually killed the intimacy. Men need to be respected. It is a fundamental male need. Women need to be with a man they can respect. We began a vicious cycle of me being disrespectful towards Grant, him feeling demeaned and disempowered and demoralized , and then me really beginning to NOT respect him because he was unable to stand up to me. I fought hard to win, but then did not respect that he let me. What perverse creatures we women are! When a man does not feel respected, or when a woman does not feel she can respect her man, the intimacy dies.
In retrospect I know Grant blames himself for not standing up to me, for allowing me to run all over him. But then our men were taught that this was the new age of feminism and it was not their place to lead the family or call the shots, and we women were raised with a sense of entitlement and often man bashing that has taken a huge toll on intimacy and marriage.
I am going to suggest a book to you that I read just as we began DD. The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle. The book has nothing to do with Dd but everything to do with male/female dynamics and learning to empower and respect your husband. It helped me to begin the changes in myself that needed to come first, before the marriage could improve.
As to how you tell your husband…just tell him. Find a few articles…not more than 2 or 3 that YOU like and relate to. They could be from my blog, from Taken in Hand (link is below)…anything that begins to explain your ideas and feelings. I would suggest you underline the things that really speak to you, or even add your own comments. Then, after you have given or emailed him things to read…give him time to process this. You have been thinking about Dd for a while and this will probably be all new to him.
When he is ready, you will have to talk, and just simply reveal your heart. This does not work without that self revelation. The journey takes being willing to become intimate in a spiritual/emotional way. You cannot stay hidden and be intimate at the same time. The choice will be yours. If you cannot talk face to face at first, try writing to him in the beginning. Communication is the key. After that, you can begin to explore the options together, read articles and blogs, think and talk about what you each want in your marriage and how you might want to get there.
I guess I was lucky. My husband took about 1 minute to decide he could indeed spank me if I was disrespectful to him or destructive to the relationship. Hmmm…I still wonder why that is. Who knows? He also had not a moment’s hesitation about being the leader in our marriage. It was what he had always wanted and what I had refused him. Every leader needs a follower and building a DD marriage can only be done with cooperation, hand in hand together. Whether your husband is open to the idea of DD or not to start with, he will surely be open to the idea of you feeling like you do not treat him how you believe you should, that you run over him, and that you want him to help you change that behavior for the good of the marriage. What man could resist that offer?
Grant and I have ultimately found the whole DD dynamic to be very natural and profoundly ‘right’ for us. We feel it somehow works for us as part of the natural order of things in a healthy male-female relationship. That really took time to get to though. Parts of us were very closed to the ideas of submission and dominance. It is not taught, appreciated or valued in our modern culture. Deep down I worried that I was betraying those feminists who came before me, and deep down Grant wrestled with his ‘right’ to punish his wife. I think it took about a year to find any real comfort level for us in our respective roles, but after three years I can tell you it is as natural as anything else we do on a day to day basis. Today it is truly just part of the fabric of our lives.
As for the kids, again my perspective has changed hugely. At first I was adamant that not only should the kids never know about the spanking, but the whole Head of Household dynamic. I was really embarrassed to feel the need to have my husband in charge, and certainly never wanted to teach that to my children. How things have changed. I sure hope they do not know anything about the spanking, along with the other intimacies of our life we keep private. However, they definitely do know that the power dynamic has changed. They were 12, 16 and 18 when we began DD, and they are almost 16, 20, and 22 now. They saw us move from me being in charge of the family to Grant being in charge. Frankly they could not care less. What they experienced was a home filled with strife and tension to one filled with peace and unison. We get along, we have fun, they see now that we are in love. When we disagree, Grant calls the shots and it ends quickly. They also see that while their Dad is the leader at home, their Mom is still a rather powerful career woman out in the world, respected, independent and successful. They respect me for that, and I now believe they also respect me for respecting their Dad. I see my boys modeling themselves after their father. My older son is respectful and courteous to his girlfriend, a bit debonair and protective, a bit old fashioned and definitely sees his role as the dominant one. It works for him! I have talked openly with our daughter about our power dynamics. With the wisdom of a (then) 18 year old girl she told me,“I think it is stupid to agree that your husband is in charge, but if it makes you happy, then it is fine with me! And clearly you are both happy Mom!” When I was 18 I thought a husband in charge was out dated and rather stupid too! I spent quite a few years in a war for power with the man I loved. I have gotten a lot smarter as I grew up and have confidence that she will too.
As for your last question, “How do you make this work with kids around?” Different people find different ways. As our kids are older, we have a lot of privacy, and our house is laid out well for privacy too. Others I know wait until the kids are asleep, i.e. spank after 10 Pm, before 6 am, when the kids are out, or have a weekly appointment to deal with whatever is needed, and have made arrangements for privacy. We have gone so far as to go to a hotel, although I realize that is very unusual. There are implements that are quieter than others, and as they say, ‘where there is a will there is a way’! In time you will develop a private language with your husband so you will know by a look or a few words when you are stepping over the line, and no one else around you will understand that exchange but you. Well, that is unless you happen to be around another DD couple, but that is a whole other story entirely! It works for us, and if you decide to, even with kids and full lives, you can make it work too.
I hope this has been of some help to you. I am happy to field questions. I know there is precious little good and sane information out there. I wish you the very best and would love to hear how things go, if you feel inclined to share.
Sara
Beginning DD, or What It Might Look Like
Hello,
I want to ty you for your posts. This is not the first time I have read or wanted d/d in my life with the man I love. We are now at a serious crossroads. We never did implement it. I would like to know if you could e mail me, a commitment contract or what it may look like. I have read a lot on you and am so very much the same. I need some help here. I know what I want and need and believe in but I just don’t know how to put it down for him. We are already separated, not married.
Thank you Lisa
Lisa, a reader, recently left this comment. I emailed her back explaining that I did not have a commitment contract, we never used one, but suggested ideas on where to look. Because she asked for help, I promised to write something about beginning Domestic Discipline. I am going to talk about what we did, and what worked for us. I am sure there are other stories, other opinions, but this is ours.
As I have explained in earlier posts, after 20 years of marriage, Grant and I separated for about a year. When we decided that we wanted to be together, but clearly needed to organize our marriage differently than we had, we agreed to begin a Domestic Discipline marriage. What this meant to us was as follows. We love and respect each other, but did not always show that through our words and actions. We wanted to learn to live in a way that really enhanced the relationship. We had battled for power in the marriage and family, and we knew that had to stop. After lots of talking our agreement was pretty simple.
We would talk about everything, and make decisions together. When we were unable to agree, Grant would get the final say. We agreed it was his call to have the tie breaking vote, should one be needed. We agreed we would always treat each other in a respectful and loving manner, because that was the kind of marriage Grant and I choose to have. This matched our values. The final piece was something that Grant added in. You could think of it as his first move as Head of Household or HoH. He said he could only do this if I agreed that decisions about safety were completely his to make. He asked me to promise to follow his decisions on this, whether I agreed with them or not. He stated he could not compromise on that stipulation. Truly, not realizing at all what I was getting myself into, I agreed to everything.
We kept things simple. We never have had a long list of rules, but in time we found that most things fall under those basics. Be loving and respectful, give the HoH the final say, and follow whatever health and safety requirements he asks of me. In reality this is all easier said than done. I think we all start out with the best of intentions, but saying you want your husband to call the shots and facing the reality of that when he decides you must do something, or may not do something, that you feel is important to you is a whole other thing! But I think this is where the rubber meets the road. It is easy to go along when you basically agree with him. It is doable to accept a punishment you feel you deserve it. It is aggravating to do what he says when you truly think it is unnecessary, and really darn hard to submit to a punishment spanking you really do not agree you deserve!
For us it has always come down to remembering that we gave our word. He gave his word to me to lead, and that means making decisions that might be unpopular with his favorite gal at times. I promised to let him lead, and in fact to support him in that. I needed to learn to let go of those reins and if he took us somewhere I was not sincerely happy to go, so be it. I try to remember that I am with him, by his side, and that trumps any other concerns. The change in persepctive did not all happen at once, but was/is a process of growth. We tried our best to help each other through many evolutions. Thank goodness we are still growing.
Probably one of the most difficult things couples new to DD experience is learning to be consistent. The Husband says she must do X, and when the wife does not do what he says, he forgets or chooses not to follow through with a promised punishment. And women say they want him to be the HoH, but then undermine him by making a huge fuss when they don’t get what they want, or when he does something differently than they expected. When he decides to punish for something they do not agree they deserve to be punished for, or in a way they really do not at any level like, I have seen them throw fits. But why? Wasn’t that the agreement? In my marriage, this is all my husband’s decision. I will talk to him if I am unhappy, but we both know it is his choice how he will respond. I have learned to trust that he always has my best interest at heart, and that is such a wonderful and secure place to be! But trust takes time and lots of work, and occassionally even some tears too.
I firmly believe our consistency came out of doing very regular maintenance sessions. We began with once a week and in time realized I needed twice a week for stress relief and connection. Not only did I get regular spankings but we learned to set aside a time for us twice a week for whatever, no matter what. I think that was essential. The spankings were/are a time to reconnect, handle minor problems, go over issues between us, or just remind us both of the power dynamic we agreed to, that I need to submit and he needs to lead. Going through the motions of that twice a week was essential and invaluable in practicing and in teaching us each our roles in the marriage. The consistency of the maintenance sessions led us to the consistency in the DD in general. It allowed us to move from ‘doing DD’ to living a lifestyle.
The other issue that will come up is the inequity. He still makes mistakes, being human after all, and he does not get punished. So how fair is that? I think anyone in a true DD marriage comes to understand that this lifestyle is not about fair. It is about the partners making an agreement regarding the power dynamic and sticking to it. Doing what they say they will. In our case that meant being good to each other. Making that a priority meant that each of us found ourselves measuring each bump against that yard stick. Is this good for the marriage? Is it enhancing our relationship? In our marriage Grant does not get punished and I do because we both agreed to that. He does not have the interest or need, nor frankly, do I have any interest in being a disciplinarian. What he does do, though, is take his role as HoH very seriously, as he believes that good leaders lead by example. He always expects more of himself than he does of me, and that helps me to want to follow him willingly, right or wrong, out of my great respect for him. I have also seen that in many marriages the partners focus on wining the battles and they lose the war. Our goals, our rules, our focus is not about me serving Grant. It is about us both giving our all to make our marriage better. We serve each other.
As an example, I would never be punished for putting a dent in the car, but might if it was because I was putting on lipstick while driving, because that is not safe. Grant does not use spanking or punishment to deal with simple mistakes or to get his way. He takes his job very seriously and only enforces what he feels is important to keep me safe, or us as a couple on track. How do you put all that in a contract? I guess I am still a believer in doing business on a handshake, or in our case a kiss. I gave Grant my word and he gave me his. We committed. We talked all the time each step of the way, and we still do. Not only does he tell me if he thinks I am off track, but I tell him if I think he is…hopefully in a loving way. We are partners and we help each other. Women in DD relationships have to be strong enough to give our men a great deal of support and investment. Our dominant men are stepping out of what is accepted or even allowed in our society. They need to know we are 110% behind them, and even when they make a mistake, we believe in them.
Finally, I think what is needed is complete honesty. We don’t lie, not overtly and not by omission. If there is anything I think Grant would want to know I tell him. He does the same. We understand that telling a ‘little white lie’ changes the tone of the relationship. I have seen DD couples who do lie, both to themselves and their partners. They are ultimately never very successful, and then wonder why. I think it has to do with the fact that they do not really put their whole heart into their marriage. They hold themselves apart…”I will give you most of me, but not all.” The little lies are evidence of them holding out. You simply do get what you pay for. If you want 80% of a good marriage, if you are satisfied with that, then put 80% in. If you want it all, you have to be willing to give everything. If you do the rewards will be greater than you ever imagined.
Lisa, I wish you and your partner all the very best! Sara
A Rendezvous
I have been away this weekend on a romantic escape with my guy. With no Internet access, I might add. Just 36 hours together involving plane travel and effort, but wow was it worth it. On Friday I flew south to meet him mid way through his 12 day trip. Yesterday, our only full day together, was wonderful! We slept until we woke, had coffee and went to the nearby beach for a very long walk, enjoying the sun, the waves, watching the seagulls and hundreds of dragon flies. Inspecting (not touching!) the sea turtle nests, looking for shells, and talking, or just being quiet together.
Later we changed and visited some family for an hour, and then headed for the Mall. It is so hot and humid here that aside from the beach, inside activities were required. We shopped. One of my most favorite indoor sports is shopping! Grant bought a few shirts, and a fishing cap, and I found a great casual suit for work and a new handbag. I have developed a handbag ‘thing’ to go along with my shoe ‘thing’. Hey, it really is cheaper than therapy!
Then we went back to the apartment and Grant delivered the maintenance spanking he had promised…one “to last me all through the next week”. He is a man of his word, and I will certainly remember our time together on the plane ride home tonight! Then we slept. Grant woke me at 7:30 because we had reservations for dinner at a new restaurant for 8:30.
Wow, and wow! We heard a big celebrity had opened a new hotel and restaurant on the lazy strip by the beach near where we stay. She has, and it was amazing. The atmosphere was elegant, modern and trendy. The dinner was excellent! After food and Grant’s bottle of wine and my Cosmopolitan, we saw that couples were dancing around the pool to the beat of Latin music. We headed out to join them, but ended up being pulled beyond to the star-lit beach. We kicked off our dinner shoes and rolled up our dress pants, and hand in hand walked down to the ocean in the dark. We took a long walk at the edge of the water, through the surf, again touching, talking, or just being content to be together watching the stars.
We acknowledged how incredibly lucky we are. I asked Grant, “Do you really think it is because of the DD, and the spanking? Or it is something else?” He answered “I am 100% sure that it is the Domestic Discipline.” “Why are you so sure?” I asked. “What do you think?” He said, “Because DD helped us to uncover and develop our essential female and male selves. And then it helped us to find a system, a way to fit that together. It organized us so we could integrate.”
And that is exactly what happened. We remembered together how Grant always had a sense that he should sit at the head of the table, and I let him, but inside, never bought into that organizational system. I let him do his thing. I was doing mine. We were together but separate. When I bought into the system, in my heart, when I made a commitment to cooperate, to allow him to organize us, with my input but his final say, we became a unit. The longer we go, the closer, more integrated and intimate we grow together.
Does anyone remember Janis Joplin singing Me and Bobby Magee: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose….?” Maybe this is what she was singing about. I feel like I did it all. I was that independent, self sufficient career woman, and I needed my man “like a fish needs a bicycle”. Taking the risk and learning to lean, to need him, allowing him that power in my life has been the most rewarding risk investment I ever made. When you wrap your life, your heart, your spirit around a man you have everything to lose. But what else is there? Nothing. Nothing else worth much of anything.
And Grant treats each day that I give him myself, my trust, my heart as a gift to be treasured. He treats me like a queen…his.
An Epiphany
About a month ago I had a revelation, an epiphany of sorts, a moment of sudden and inexplicable clarity that has really changed how I look at and manage myself. I sort of feel really dumb admitting this, but on the other hand, I know many others suffer from the same lack of clarity. So it is worth writing about, I think. OK, so here goes. Does anyone else out there realize that your weight, whether you lose, gain or stay the same is nothing more than simple math? Duh! How obvious and how dumb is that? I just somehow never realized. I mean I knew, but I did not know. Or I did not live as if I knew. There was a disconnect between the knowledge and the actions that followed.
We all (I did) spend so much energy looking for some magic technique, fix, special diet. I guess, in the end, the name of the game is still, just be real with yourself, and add it up. I am not a math person. I am not partial to facts and figures, pretty much right brained. My daughter finally convinced me, after almost a year of frustration with gaining and losing the same 5 pounds, to start using Caloriecounters.com and add the calories. I was reluctant at first, because it was work, but I was able to figure out what I burn on average, and what I need to consume to lose or gain, or stay even. I began to track my calories. First it took Grant’s insistence, but that has changed. Now I really do it for me. I think I owe it to myself to see myself clearly if possible. This is one way.
Why, and what changed? After a month of tracking a light bulb went off, and I began to see how I had been fooling myself. I was very caught up in some days being ‘good’ and some being ‘bad’ food days. If I ate something ‘bad’ I would have a hard time not feeling that the day was ruined, and then I might as well just keep indulging. In fact there were times when I would go ahead and give myself permission to eat anything I had been craving, or even what I thought I might want tomorrow, when I could not still have it because I would then be back on my diet…but today I had already messed up…so what the heck. This is nuts! It makes no sense at all, but I know this is how many people relate to their food, on a mostly emotional level.
Here’s the thing. Regardless how I feel about what I eat and it’s significance, nothing changes regarding calories consumed and burned and the ratio. And there is no magic to the daily count, because the weekly count matters too. So, if I have one piece of cake for 300 calories…it is JUST 300 calories. The food is not ‘bad’, the diet is not suddenly ‘broken’, it is just 300 calories that I need to burn or compensate for, IF I want to take in less than I use up. When I tried explaining this epiphany to Grant he said, “So what you are telling me is that you have been irrational.” And isn’t that irritating? “No, that is NOT it at all! I have not been irrational. It is just that I have been more influenced by my feelings about eating!” Yeah, possibly the same thing, but shhhh, because I might not be admitting that to him!
What I am finding, with tracking the facts or the calories, is that even when I want to eat something for emotional reasons, I see clearly that there are calories attached. When I consider having a treat, there are calories attached. Bottom line, there are consequences for whatever we do. I had allowed myself to skate along through my meals refusing to see the consequences, the reality of what I was doing and the effects. In some ways that is not unlike so many aspects of life pre-DD. We did what we did, and what happened happened, and we did not always push to connect the dots and take responsibility for ourselves as well as we might have. I believe the world truly is one of cause and effect, and while I am an emotionally driven person, and frankly, glad of it, I do not believe that is a reason or an excuse to not see the facts, and use my rational capabilities too. So although my diet really has nothing at all to do with Domestic Discipline, I guess it does have to do with self discipline, which has grown out of our DD lifestyle. And that has to do with realizing that I can do better, be better, expect more of myself.
Domestic Discipline is based on accountability, to each other and to oneself as well. For us, health and safety are huge priorities. Being very realistic about what you do, and whether it is enhancing or depleting your well-being is pretty basic, and yet something most of us seem to ignore. When we committed to each other, we worked out that caring for ourselves had to be part of that.
I am still catching myself with ‘old’ thinking, and having to consciously think through that having one cookie is not the same as three. There are 25 calories for each so how many will I decide to have? My choice, my decision. I must make myself think it through. It is taking staying conscious, and on top of myself. I am hoping it will eventually be a habit to be more self aware.
Now it is weird to look back and think, “How could I have deluded myself like that?” But I did, and we all do in various ways. It seems the more honest we can be with ourselves about what is, and the choices we are making, the more capacity we then have to change the things we want to. It is a lot more responsibility, but very freeing also. And perhaps that is the meaning behind, “The truth will set you free”?
Our DD Anniversary
Three years ago today Grant and I were separated and had been for some time. I was pretty sure the marriage was forever done. After all the pain and angst, we agreed to meet to talk. We loved each other, but could not live together in peace. Twenty-two years had proven that. He drove 300 miles to see me, and we took a walk in the state park near our home. It was September 1st, 2005. We talked about what was between
us, what had gone wrong, and what we felt was missing. I had come across this marital arrangement called Domestic Discipline and thought just maybe it could save our marriage. That was the first time I ever said the words Domestic Discipline to Grant, and I know it was the first time I ever said the word spanking out loud to anyone. I was terrified, but I suppose felt I had nothing to lose. The marriage was over. All that was left was the mess we had made, three children, and each of us, Grant and Sara, no pretense left. I really bared my soul to Grant that day. He listened carefully, and then without missing a beat he put his arms around me and said “I can do that. Being the HoH is what I’ve always wanted anyway. I believe that is how marriages and families work best. I love you and we will make this work.” And so it began.
We truly did not know where we were going, only where we had been, and that we were offering each other a new lease on making a life together. Step by step we rebuilt a marriage, this time one based on not only love, but respect, and our values. I guess we both put everything into it, because there simply was nothing to fall back on…no safe pre-DD marriage to return to. It was making a success of a Domestic Discipline lifestyle or losing everything. I am glad for that in some ways. I have seen many couples want DD but not be willing to do what it takes. We were desperate to succeed, and understood the stakes very clearly. Failure was unthinkable.
What neither of us knew was the peace and intimacy, the growth and self awareness, which would come out of the DD lifestyle. Deciding on rules and consequences, and really holding yourselves accountable, can trigger all sorts of self knowledge if you allow it. It began us on a path of self discovery and relationship enhancement that has taken us far beyond what we ever expected or hoped for. It helped us to sort out our values, our beliefs, our priorities. It forced us to say what we wanted together, and to synchronize what we say with what we do. It has made us better people, and for sure the stability and peace in our marriage has allowed us to be able to focus on enjoying what we do have together, which is a great deal of love.
What is also kind of cool is that my first post on Finding Sara was September 1, 2007, exactly two years later. That makes 9/1/08 my first blog anniversary and our third DD anniversary. I started Finding Sara as a place to write about and track my journey, but also with the hope that it would help others. I hoped it would be a place where people looking for a lifestyle alternative, maybe a way to save their marriage, could learn about what we found. It is so rewarding when a new commenter lets me know that they are starting DD, or even considering it, and found this blog a source for information and support. A couple of women have even emailed me along the way and shared that because of Finding Sara, they had a sane and safe sounding account to show their husbands what they thought they needed. I am so pleased and proud to have been able to offer that! Lastly, my readers have created a blog where the comments are worth reading. You leave thoughtful, smart and insightful comments, and I love that! Thank you so much!
I am going to share my Stat Counts. It is not everything, but tells me you readers are here, even when you choose to stay silent!
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It really surprised me, scared me, and thrilled me to know you were reading. When the numbers started to climb I was taken aback, but excited and felt affirmed. There must be people out there who do want to read what I think about and write, and that makes me feel like I am appreciated. It also has given me a community to share ideas with and to feel a part of. I am grateful to all of you who come back to read, and especially to those of you who take the time to comment. Thank you for all of it!
