Snippets of Life
I had the sudden urge to call my Dad today. It comes unannounced every once in a while. I wish I could tell him our daughter, his favorite grandchild, has decided what she will study in college. She is so excited and he would be so proud. Neuroendocrinology of Behavior. I am not telling what that is. You will just have to Google it like I did.
I want to talk to my Dad about our son, to get advice, comfort… something. He has restarted college and dropped back out 2 weeks later with panic attacks. He has broken up with his girlfriend and moved back home for two weeks. He has missed taking his meds a few days, missed some psychiatric appointments and plummeted into depression, then seemingly back out. Things change day to day with him as is often the way with the Bi-polar Illness. Two nights ago he was in almost a fetal position on our kitchen floor. Today he seems almost fine. He packed up and left for “home” this morning, back to his apt an hour away. The girlfriend finished moving out yesterday. I vacillate between being a clinician assessing for suicidal ideation and being a Mom, occasionally just scared out of her wits, and sad, and then I see glimmers of the amazing young man my son is, and my hope soars.
And then there is us, Grant and I. We are mostly fine and together, holding on to each other. As long as we are OK….and maybe we are about as much in sync as a couple can expect to be under these conditions. The spanking last night was much better. I was simply in a better place, I think. I am starting to accept that being stressed, confused, angry, sad…all kinds of feelings are going to come and go in times of life such as these. It is what it is, and at least for today I am going to try not to worry about not having it all together.
Our youngest son is a month shy of 16. Halloween has always been a very big deal around here. As Grant is in the theater, costumes and such happen often. He has long dressed up in some elaborate, often home made and always top secret (even from me) costume, and met the kids on the street as a surprise, leaving them to figure out which character in the dark might be their Dad. Last November on the way to school my younger son asked me with some humor and some regret “Do you think Dad would be too sad if I decide not to go ‘trick or treating’ next year? I mean, I am not sure yet…but I don’t want Dad to be disappointed!”
So a year has passed and our 15 yr old is meeting a few buddies in a small local town to “hang out” tonight without costumes. Grant and I are going out to dinner very near by…because we don’t let our kids run completely unsupervised, even when they are almost 16! As the two boys left this morning, the older driving the younger to school on his way back “home”, they were laughing and wondering about whether Dad would be going ‘trick or treating’ after dinner without them. I wonder too.
Lots of wonderful memories, and life is changing.
Sadism, Masochism and Spanking
This post comes with a warning: Confused Blogger - Beware! I promise nothing clear or organized here…just a jumble of thoughts. That’s the thing. How do I sort out my thoughts on all this stuff at a time when my feelings are all over the place? But then, maybe if my feelings were not so overwhelming and disturbing, if I was in a happier and calmer place, I would be too tightly wrapped to be open to examining all of this. Unraveling can have it’s side benefits! J
I had a professor in college who opened his first class in Eastern Mysticism with this written on the board.
In order to find your self, you must first lose your self.
I do know that much to be true.
Swan, Tom, I just don’t know. I am going to let myself write and see where it takes me. Your post was powerful, challenging, poignant…and long. There was so much there. I am sure you have been thinking about these things a lot longer than I have. So I will just have to muddle through. Either way, I was truly touched by your empathy, and investment in writing all that you did. It was very kind and much appreciated.
It is true that I don’t like the labels BDSM, or S/M… primarily due to the outdated connotations. It is not what they are but the common associations, but then I don’t like labels in general. In thinking about TTWD, there are sociological, psychological, and physiological aspects. The realities of the individual and their relationship are part of each story too…it gets very complex. But then we all have a desire to call ourselves something…to group ourselves, being the herd animals we are with a deep need to fit into a social system.
We have come to this place before where you take issue with DD and I am a bit wary of saying I am a masochist. I think (?) what it comes down to is that we can slice things multiple ways, to see it and understand it. When we pin the butterfly to the board we lose some of the life…but still we can see it more clearly, and understand pieces better that way. But then, if we don’t watch it fly, we will never experience the magic of the butterfly. We miss the essential life essence when we pin it down and try to think that is all there is. And even among butterflies, still each one is unique.
mas⋅och⋅ism
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1. |
Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation. |
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2. |
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification. |
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3. |
the act of turning one’s destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself. |
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4. |
the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc. |
Origin:
1890–95; named after L. von Sacher-Masoch, who described it; see -ism
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) – Cite This Source
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
Am I a masochist? Is owning that going to be of some value to me? I just don’t know. There are pieces of the above definition that work for me and others that don’t.
1. The answer is no. And that is the definition I have rejected in the past.
2. Have I gained gratification from pain and sought this? Yes.
3. I don’t think so. I mean I do beat myself up at times…as we all do. I really work to resist self destructiveness.
4. I do think I have found pleasure in submissiveness, at least in this one isolated but most significant relationship. I do not overall identify with being “a submissive” though.
Tom you said:
Masochism is not so much that one transmutes pain sensations to pleasure as it is that one derives gratification from experiences that engender pain in ways that others would find nothing but trauma in. If the majority of women were taken over their husbands’ knees and had their bottoms blistered because their husband decided it was good for their relationship, they would be experiencing domestic violence. They would be assaulted. They would be traumatized. They might well have their husband arrested and jailed and they should do so by rights. If however you receive emotional gratification and/or even arousal from that same practice and have granted carte blanche consent for him to do that whenever he feels it is appropriate, you are experiencing gratification from that experience albeit at a purely emotional and relational level. Ergo, you are a masochist.
OK, I can buy that. Although, I do want to point out, that if Grant was insisting on pounding my thumb with a hammer, I would not only not experience emotional and relational gratification, I would run. If he did it for his pleasure solely, unless I agreed to that, I am not sure how I would feel. Spanking because my “husband decided it was good for (our) relationship” is really a different thing. The pain in spanking is a vehicle, and part of a whole experience that we consensually engage in together that has a lot more to it. Creating and receiving pain is not the larger piece for us, but it is a piece. I believe for some people it is a larger part. They engage in all sorts of other behaviors that create pain intentionally in a multitude of ways, and also specifically enjoy engaging in painful sex. My only point here is that even the label masochist only tells a limited story. I was speaking to a good friend at length about all this (a DDer, btw) who said she and her husband consider themselves “S & M Light”…what IS that? LOL!
I have a really hard time thinking of Grant as a sadist. Last night I called him up (he is out of town on business) and asked straight out…”So um, I have been thinking about something…that post I sent you (yours). Do you think you are a sadist?” Yes, we really did have that discussion. He considered it, but ultimately basically shrugged and said he kind of didn’t care, but didn’t think so. He says the draw is the power, the dominance and control, and what the spanking creates between us, both emotionally and relationally. He told me he feels “the pain is a necessary evil”. It was something he needed to learn to deal with early on in our beginnings of DD and get past, to be able to engage in TTWD. I’m not sure, but I doubt true sadists ever think of inflicting pain as something they need to work to acclimate themselves to? Does he inflict pain, and does he derive gratification from that? Yes, I believe so. But not from the pain in and of itself. I do not believe his pleasure comes specifically from creating my pain but from what ripples out from that.
Now, as to the issue of the DD community:
That is, in very large part, the truth that underpins the comments that Master made regarding DD. Domestic Discipline is a unique and interesting subset of the BDSM universe. For the most part, people who find and ascribe to DD, especially as a singular practice, tend to hold to a world view that their lifestyle is somehow more wholesome than what goes on in BDSM. It is possible, and even pretty commonplace, to find people who practice Domestic Discipline, who will express real discomfort with labels like “masochist” and “sadist.” DD puts itself out as a way to create harmonious relationships, establish order in the household, and create a clear leadership ladder within the family structure. It is sometimes couched in language that makes it seem consistent with mainstream religious beliefs, or perhaps it is garbed in a patina of being just the “natural way” between men and women – a way to reinforce and affirm the masculine and feminine sides of our human selves. It is entirely possible to spend a good long time within a domestic discipline framework, and not come to any sort of confrontation with the underlying personality that is quite likely an intrinsic part of an attraction to the practice of adult consensual spanking.
In large part, I have to agree. When you say “DD puts itself out as a way to create harmonious relationships, establish order in the household, and create a clear leadership ladder within the family structure.” Well, I think it IS exactly that. It seems to me you and Tom have a DD piece to your relationship that functions in just that way. On the other hand, what I have found is that indeed some DDers I have encountered were indeed rather limited thinkers. They stick a toe in the waters of self awareness, make some small strides and then congratulate themselves and settle into where they are, afraid or unable to look inside and learn more. They come together, circle the wagons and tightly defend their position. They have created a safe play yard for their emotional, psychological and relational needs, and throw up walls to keep the internal stuff in and you people…you BDSMers… out! I have experienced that thinking too hard, asking too many questions, saying out loud that ‘the emperor has no clothes’ is not popular in some parts of the DD community. I left several DD forums for that reason. There are those of us, however, who do identify more with DD more than any other arbitrary label, who don’t function that way. We do work hard to evolve and grow.
On the other hand, it also seemsto me that sometimes within the BDSM community there is an anything goesculture. ‘Anything goes’ in terms of a fetish is fine, self destructive life choices is a whole other thing. Now admittedly, my only exposure is from blogs and forums. I don’t see bloggers who identify themselves as BDSM, M/s, D/s, or DD…as any more or less honest with themselves, more or less emotionally stable, more or less insightful or balanced. I see a bunch of struggling souls all over, frankly, and a few here and there, such as yourselves, who clearly work hard to develop self awareness, and relational integrity to the end of enhancing your love and your lives.
Within BDSM practice as well there is study and technical work on the “how to’s” of internal processing of this sort of reaction to pain play and finding ways to turn them into a growth experience if they can’t be transmuted into a gratifying one.
That’s great and I will look. But again, what we do feels very different than what I understand “pain play” to be. I have done a lot of thinking this past weekend, talked to friends, and talked to Grant. I think one aspect of my struggle is that on a very simplelevel, so much of my life, internal and external, feels out of control that it is a huge stretch for me to give up the control it takes to engage in spanking right now. I am working through that. The other piece that occurs to me is that there is something here that feels a bit reminiscent of the first time Grant really punished me for something I did not necessarily ‘want’ to be punished for. i.e. He decided 100% without me. I remeber there was an OMG I-am-REALLY-not-in-control-here light bulb that goes off. I know we have all experienced that. It is kind of a shock when it becomes really real…if that makes any sense? I have had times in the past several years when I have not been in the mood, not been excited about a spanking, or even not wanted to, and done it anyway. I have been punished when I was not on board with the reasoning. That’s how we do things. I have never, outside of a punishment scenario, really REALLY not wanted to, or felt so emotionally pained during spankings, consistently for weeks. Somehow struggling like this, and having Grant shrug and say “I wish this wasn’t so hard for you, but let’s go.” somehow feels a bit different. It is not new for him to persist, to be in charge to leave me no choice. It is very consistent with him, with us, how we do things. But there is an underlying nuance that feels different somehow. I can’t quite put my finger on it better than that, but there is something brewing.
I also realize it is true that it would scare the heck out of me if he did anything but what he is doing, because if I internally back off of TTWD and he does too…OMG where would that leave us? His persistence and steadfastness is allowing me to indulge in my internal confusion, maybe to allow myself to get lost for a while, in hopes that I will eventually come back to myself having grown…that some good will come out of this. Underneath it all, I know he has my back, and that would not be true if he caved. He is not fixing all this, but he is keeping me safe.
One last thought: For us, spanking is an intensely intimate thing. I could never wrap my mind around spanking with a stranger, a friend, a play partner. What we do calls for, creates, fosters an emotional, psychological and physical exchange that is at its best very powerful, spiritual, erotic and special. It is something we have created that is uniquely all about us. I feel that somehow I am not completely available now. I can’t seem to let go to come to him…to be there in the way I need to and want to. That makes me incredibly sad and angry, and lonely too. I miss us, how wonderful we can be together.
I do know this too shall pass, but I wish it would hurry the heck up!
My First and ONLY Meme….
Lalana and Master Coyote…I really don’t DO memes guys!!! Sigh, maybe…just this once, just for you…and Lalana…only because you said you “came out of hiding” to ask! Coming out of hiding is pretty cool, so this is for you.
The Rules-
* Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
* Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I collect antiques.
2. I planned to be a veterinarian for most of my youth.
3. I competed nationally on a HS crew team (and won).
4. My fingernails are painted dark rose and my toes usually match.
5. I have visited and traveled through 9 countries…so far.
6. Grant is the first (and only) person to ever spank me…keeping it that way, too!
7. I attended a girl’s school for 11 yrs where we wore uniforms and were taught to curtsy!
OK, I have no idea who has been tagged and not, but I am going to try to tag people who don’t seem to do memes either…so here goes:
Common, if I can do this…you can too!
Why Am I Being Spanked…Again?
I was spanked last night, and it went ok this time. Not great. Not wonderful and close and anywhere near to any kind of happy place, but OK. I didn’t fall apart, cry, or want to kill him. Then he also had to stop “before he was done” due to a bad cramp in his arm. As it was maybe ¾ of the way through, I was already quite done! He plans to “finish” tonight. Ugh!
Tom from The Heron Clan left a comment to which I responded: “Here’s the real problem for me. I know that spankings hurt…get that. But what you do with that hurt inside, where it goes, what it triggers is a different thing entirely. Maybe the libido is at a low or maybe it is just being emotionally full with hard stuff, but the pain that often takes me to better places inside me, and ultimately makes us feel more connected, instead taps into anger and fear, and then the pain is just pain, and I have enough inside right now, without the pain of the spanking…thanks very much. I get angry, feel more distant, sad that the experience didn’t help me/us.”
So this did NOT happen last night, but it did the last several spankings. I got angry and scared…and angry, and then I just gave up. Yes, I ‘submitted’ but there was little peace at the other end of it all. One time last week fight or flight kicked in and at least I chose flight…I struggled hard to get up off his lap. He was great about it…firmly talked me back…and just went on. There was no discipline attached because he knew it was panic not defiance that caused that. But now that cannot happen again..because we know, we talked, I have to deal with it and get through it. Why?
Getting through a painful spanking just for the sake of it seems pretty harsh…for what? If we cannot reach the goal right now…to feel better, to connect, find that us place we get to, and if there is not a punishment to be had…why spank? I am going to tell you part of me thinks, and has even said to Grant… “Tell you what, how about I beat YOU and let’s see if WE feel better!” Now, I will rush to be clear this was said with humor and just to vent. He knew that. A simple “Uh…NO!” and “That’s not the deal!” retort was all that was required. We don’t do that, never would, neither of us wants to, so that works for us…BUT…if I am not getting anything out of this, and we need to keep going for us, why the heck is it, always and every time, my butt on the line??? I know the answers. I am just saying it gets hard. I just want to complain a bit I guess. I think Tom feels sorry for Grant. I do too, but I feel sorrier for me! J Maybe the Tops can go console each other.
Sigh, ok, so now that that has all been said, here’s my answers to my questions. We still will do it because it is how we function as a couple; because we know it works at some level, even if it is not feeling great right now; because there are often hidden benefits such as sticking to routine, living a disciplined life, not letting everything fall apart because pieces of your life are unravelling. Because when you are walking a path, jumping to another every time you hit a rocky place is not a smart or effective way to make your way down the road. And because Grant says so…there IS that.
And finally, if I am going to be very honest about it, I must admit there is a reassurance that comes from knowing the boundaries are there, and that he is keeping me safe in a way he knows is right, even when I feel unsure.
In A No Spank Zone
I cannot remember ever feeling really disinterested in spanking. Our ritual spankings twice a week are pretty much the corner stone of our Dd dynamic. Recently, though, it has become a bit of a struggle for me. I just don’t want to be spanked. I have been anyway. My husband has learned through trial and error that consistency is everything, and my Mr. Steady, he keeps going.
I am not complaining. So many women struggle with their partners not understanding what consistency means, nor being willing to make the effort. I know Grant is special and appreciate that. I still don’t want to.
I have told him. In the last 10 days I guess there were three spankings and each time I tried getting out of it. First, I usually don’t want to avoid a non-punishment spanking, and second, if I am feeling not quite in the mood, I go along anyway, because ‘that’s the deal’. This time I have complained a bit, wheedled a bit, pouted a bit, and then been spanked anyway.
The spankings are making me cry, and I don’t want to. I am already wrestling with keeping myself together, and when he really spanks, I come unglued. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty, I think I am afraid there will be too many pieces to put me back together again. Of course Grant does put me back together, and things are not as bad as I fear anyway, but those are the worries, underneath I think.
We have talked. We always do. I told him in the midst of the last spanking that “I don’t want to cry”, that “I am afraid to let go”. He is so understanding and sympathetic, and then he says I need to let go and cry, and spanks harder! It has been emotionally wrenching for me, and I assume, pretty hard for him too.
I realized today, driving down I 95, tempted with wanting/needing to go over 70 mph, knowing I am not allowed to and feeling like “who cares”…that I am angry. When the voice in my head says “Who cares” it is a big clue that I am angry. Grant has asked me a few times in the last week why I am mad at him. I have a sharpness to me I guess? I have denied it, of course. I just could not put my finger on it, but have had a discontent, an edginess brewing. I thought it was just part of my malaise, but now I think I am wrong.
I think, maybe…I am angry at Grant and have been pulling away a bit. Maybe that is another reason for the not wanting to be spanked? He is not fixing this, my sadness and feeling of loss, our son…he is as helpless as I am. He is supposed to be the guy in charge. That means he should have the answers, know the way, can protect me and make things right….right? This time he can’t. Rationally I understand this is unfair, unrealistic and childish. That is what I think, but feelings don’t have to be rational…they just are.
I miss him. He told me he feels we are a little disconnected. Tonight we will spend some time talking and tomorrow he will spank, and I am determined not to fuss at him about that. I do know that if we go through the motions, there is a solution in that. Keeping steady and to the path until the rest of me catches up. Doing what I know is right, and believing that I will feel it is right in time. Following his lead. And I really am so grateful for his guidance. I’d be lost without it.
German Kink
I am just not sure what to say here, but my imagination is tweaked! What was really going on? What was the game and what is their real story?
Kinky German couple creates cop chaos on Bavarian highway
But what police assumed was a kidnapping turned out to be nothing more than an experimenting couple, who managed to escape before police arrived.
Witnesses reported seeing the woman, about 30-years-old, wearing a leather throat band and plush handcuffs. One truck driver from Vilsbiburg told police he’d seen the pair 15 minutes before the cops arrived and had asked, “How do you like the slut?” But the couple disappeared before he could get an answer.
“The woman did not make the impression that she was there against her will,” the truck driver said. Other witnesses said they had the same impression and police ended their search, the paper reported.
And isn’t Germany pretty chilly this time of year to be running down the road stark naked?
Seeing The Signs
I have been vaguely trying NOT to post. I really did not want to put out negativity, and I can’t seem to find much else. I almost always have things to say, and I have found since I began blogging that a voice in my head runs almost continuously, certainly daily, with pieces of this and that which usually turn into a full post every few days. But some things are best left unsaid.
This past week I have been struggling with several issues, the most difficult one is coming to terms with our son’s illness, and the long and circuitous road that Bi-polar Disorder can be. Our son suffered a “break down” towards the beginning of his sophomore year at a college, five hours from home. This August, after a two year hiatus, he moved into the city close to home and enrolled in a University. Two weeks later he is withdrawing due to panic attacks and maybe some disinterest.
Grant and I are working closely with his psychiatrist. He is on meds, in therapy (sort of), and really everything that can be done right now is being done. The bottom line is our son is not well, and I really don’t know what kind of life he will be able to mange…how this will all play out. There are people with Bi-polar who live very ‘normal’ lives, and people who never do. Grant has told me “to have faith”. I have not said it, but in my head the only response I can come up with is “in what”? The answer is a deafening silence.
I am in the mountains at our Ranch this weekend, and the trees, the weather; the beauty around us is glorious. Our three kids are all here. What I most wanted for my birthday was us all of us to be together and we managed to do that, with our son’s girlfriend and our daughter’s new boyfriend in tow. It has been a bit of an adventure as we have no heat here, so have needed to keep our large fireplace roaring 24 hours a day. It has been a really relaxed and nice family time. We have played miniature golf, been out to dinner, had birthday cake, food and laughter and hugs. And therein lies the problem.
I feel awful underneath. It has been coming for a month I would say. I have been waking in the middle of the night with anxiety, and am often unable to sleep again. More recently I am just feeling sad, unable to find an optimistic outlook, and finally this past week tearing up, feeling down, unable to write. Even when I should feel happy, like now, there is heaviness in my chest, a sort of a pain inside. I want to pull away and hope I will somehow feel better later, or tomorrow, or next week. Grant and I have talked. There have even been a couple of rather rugged therapeutic spankings with lots of tears. Nothing is fixing this.
This is called Depression. I know better than to ignore the signs, like many people will. If you feel pains in your chest, you go get a cardiogram. If you feel that kind of ongoing weighty pain inside that drags at you, won’t let you sleep, or makes you sleep too much, makes you feel sad and listless, you go to a psychiatrist and get meds. Well, in my case I will get meds. Sometimes there is a “Reactive Depression”, and therapy can help you process and deal with the conflict that is causing the depression. For me, although, I know the depression is reactive and triggered by my losses: my father died 3 months ago and my son is very ill, the chemical imbalance is something I have experienced before. I know that I might benefit from a few sessions to sort out my feelings about my son, and I also know that I need medication. Taking care of my mental health is much like the other parts of me. I go to the dentist, the optometrist, the gynecologist when I need to. Perhaps because I grew up with a psychologist for a father, I was taught to go to the psychiatrist when I need it too.
It is a wonderful world we live in today. Although common knowledge has not caught up, clinicians know that most of the brain’s functions, like any other organ in the body are physical or chemical, and can be helped. I “should” do better, feel better, get over it, is as ridiculous as thinking I should get over my low blood pressure or herniated discs. Modern science now knows that mental IS physical.
So that has been my silence. Tomorrow early in the morning we head back home, and on the way I will be calling a psychiatrist I know to ask for an appointment. I have too many people I love depending on me, so I need to do what I must to take care of me, so I can be at my best for them.
A DD Question
Sara,
My husband & I have recently started practicing DD. I think we have come to some some reasonable understandings and things have been going well for both of us. My husband travels on occasion for work and I have noticed when he comes back from a trip he is looking for something to punish me for or pushing buttons trying to get me to argue with him. I have been biting my tongue and doing my best not to argue or be disrespectful to him but it is not easy. The better I am the grumpier he seems to be. Once I do something wrong and he can punish me everything seems to get back to normal.
Do you know if anyone else has ever had this issue? I am really trying hard to do the right thing and we are both happier and my punishments have been fewer and farther apart. I want to continue to make him happy and proud of me so I don’t want to do something wrong just to make things better when he gets back. Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you in advance, Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I have never heard of this exact problem, but I do have a few thoughts. First, obviously, talk to him. What is happening from his perspective? Why is he being “grumpy”? Being HoH is not permission to act however he wants towards you, but perhaps he feels there is something that is happening or not happening when he returns that is bothering him?
My other thought is this. Do you do maintenance spankings? Many couples feel a bit disconnected when they have been away from each other, and do not feel quite ‘right’ with each other until they have reconnected. In a DD marriage, through spanking, the roles are affirmed and re-established in a very basic and primal way. I have heard of women provoking a spanking after being away, to reset the relationship dynamic once they are back home. I wonder if your husband feels this urge and is handling it through provoking you?
Couples who incorporate regular maintenance or who’s-who spankings into their lives tend to be able to handle things more cleanly, without using the punishment dynamic to satisfy all their emotional needs. I have written about maintenance here.
If you happen to read here regularly you will know that Grant travels a good bit for business too. It causes a strain on us and we have worked out, through trial and error, what helps keep us connected. One of the things we always do now is a reconnect spanking same day/next day when he gets home. There have been times I have called him on the way home and given him a heads up that he had best walk in the door armed! 
It is all about figuring out what works for you, and keeps your marriage strong and the two of you in sync.
The best thing you can do for your marriage is to establish very honest and open discussions regularly about what the feelings and needs are, and together how you will address them.
I wish you both the best,
Sara
Another Birthday
Yep, it came again! This birthday was bittersweet. I have been really run ragged at work, Grant has had so many stresses, our son is struggling…just the ‘stuff’ of life. What I did not expect and should have was how fragile my birthday would make me feel around the loss of my father almost exactly 3 months ago. I ‘get it’ intellectually. I recently told a friend that the first year after the death of a close loved one is hard because every holiday is the first one without them, and they are really missed. The loss resurfaces. But I was talking about her loss not mine. My mind understands her loss and the psychological ramifications. My loss stays buried until something triggers it and the bruise on my heart starts to ache again. My birthday was like that. How can it be my birthday and my father is not here? In fact both my parents are gone. I miss them a lot and I am sure always will.
I Gal wrote a really nice birthday post for me. The support of cyber friends is a big part of my life now, and I love it. Thanks to all of you for your warm wishes! Of course the birthday did have other rather warm moments! In fact it got awfully HOT around here for an October afternoon!
Grant teaches several hours away at a University on Fridays, and I worked in the morning and then got my hair and nails done. Just my standing every 2 week appointment. A woman of a certain age needs regular professional attention! Then I decided to run by the market for a few things and in aisle 3 my cell rang. “Hi Honey, how’s the birthday girl?” “Fine, and how were your classes today?” “They were good. You are ‘fine’?” “Yeah, I am just a bit fragile today.” “I know Honey, and I am going to take care of that shortly.… I am about an hour away. Since D stays until 5 at school today, I want you to go home now and wait for me. Be ready when I get there.…Capishe?” “Um…yes.” I think I just might have heard over the supermarket loudspeaker “Woman suddenly warm and blushing in aisle three!” Or maybe it just felt like that?
So, of course, I checked out and went right home, and Grant did indeed take care of the doldrums, maintenance and a birthday spanking with extra special enthusiasm!
A few days earlier when he asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I told him, if it was ok with him…really…I just wanted to stay home. I wanted to order a pizza, rent movies, and watch in our pajamas. We did just that, but after I ate I had to kind of wiggle onto my hip and rest on him to watch, because I was too sore to comfortably sit and watch any other way. It was a really nice birthday!
Rosh Hashanah
Today, at sundown concluded the first day of Rosh Hashanah. This is commonly thought of as the “Jewish New Year”, the beginning of the Jewish calendar year. It is the time to consider a year passed, and a year beginning, and also a time of refection, self evaluation, repentance and self forgiveness.
“The ten days starting with Rosh Hashanah and ending with Yom Kippur are commonly known as the Days of Awe (Yamim Noraim) or the Days of Repentance. This is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and repent before Yom Kippur. “
In Judaism here are two “high Holy Days” Rosh Hashanah the first and Yom Kippor the last. Even such a non traditional Jews like me feels a pull to reflect. It is the Jewish belief that one must go to God to ask forgiveness for sins against God. If one has transgressed against another person, one goes to that person to ask forgiveness. In my tradition there is a sense of the importance of this world we live in day to day, and the relationships we have on this earth. We have a strong concept that we do owe certain things to our partners, our friends, and our community.
Over these 10 days I will be thinking about the year past, what went right, what went wrong, what I might have done differently, and what I intend to do better. It is important to be thoughtful I think, and very nice to feel like you get a chance to start over and do better.
I wish you all:
L’shanah tovah tikatevi v’taihatemi
May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year!
