Happy New Year!
I have some very mixed feelings saying good bye to 2008. It was among the hardest years Grant and I have ever had. Our son was diagnosed at the end of 2007 with Bipolar Disorder and had some very bad episodes this year. My father had a near fatal car accident and lingered for 3 months, then died. Grant’s step father died.
I am glad to leave that entire string of difficulties behind, and yet…. Next year, in 2009, my father will have died “last year”. I really miss him a lot.
However, I am also aware that 2008 was filled with the joy of a wonderful marriage, on our better days, the stuff romance novels are made of. J The year was one of learning about Bipolar and perhaps getting a handle on it, of seeing our daughter blossom into an independent and self assured young woman, and seeing our 16 yr old son (my baby) grow four inches to 6 ft 3 inches!
We have a lovely home, jobs we enjoy, each other. Life is good. For my New Year’s resolution this year, I am going to focus each day in counting my many blessings. And I am going to lose a few pounds! How about you?
Grant and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!
Domestic Discipline and Motherhood
Sara –
Here’s yet another household in turmoil over the issue of who ultimately has the decision making authority when it comes to the children…
I find that very interesting.
I don’t have children in residence with me anymore. My two are entirely grown and on their own, so I don’t face the “catch-point” that mothers with children still in the home AND a power dynamic come to with regard to their children. It seems to me that, while it is a relatively simple thing for us to place our own lives in the hands of a dominant man, it is an entirely different matter for us to allow our children’s lives to be held and guided by those same hands. And, as your case illustrates, that is true even when that man is the father of those very same children…
I am wondering if this is THE place where the two of you can come to this sort of standoff, or are there other things that inspire the same passionate sense of “I’m right and he’s wrong?”
swan
This question got me thinking, once again, about the power dynamic we live with in a Domestic Discipline marriage. Where are the boundaries? We each have our own limits, our personal boundaries that we feel we cannot allow to be crossed. It is certainly not the first time I have debated this issue in my own head. As you grow in any power exchange relationship you are going to hit limits, yours and his. Each time there is the surprise, the contemplation, and ultimately the decision to push through or to back off. Consistently the place where Grant and I feel the most stress, get tripped up repeatedly, and at times cannot compromise, has had to do with our children.
My personal boundaries, those of body, mind, spirit are less and less over time. And, of course, I want that. Lowering walls can be uncomfortable, but it has ultimately resulted in an increased connection that has proved to be worth the discomfort of stretching to allow him in. However, whatever Grant and I have together, the fact remains we still have children in the home. Even now, in their older teen years, they are not ready to go out on their own. They need support, guidance, and parenting. Mothering and fathering is not quite the same thing. I would argue that our perspectives are somewhat gender based, and certainly are simply our own. Neither of us loves our children any less, and yet we would resolve issues very differently at times, and occasionally that will cause a passionate disagreement between us.
“while it is a relatively simple thing for us to place our own lives in the hands of a dominant man, it is an entirely different matter for us to allow our children’s lives to be held and guided by those same hands”
Yes, swan, absolutely true. And after all, what right do I have to abdicate my responsibility as a mother to anyone, even to Grant, my dominant partner, and in our case, the biological father. The car incident of a week ago was not one of the important ones. It was more symbolic of the conflict.
I remember towards the beginning of our exploration into DD, I came across a mother on a DD forum explaining her conflict when her husband insisted she start their little boy in kindergarten when she knew he was not ready. To compound things, she was a teacher and knew what she knew. It turned out, a year later, they learned she had been right, and the child needed to repeat the year. She did what her husband told her to do, knowing it was wrong for their son, and the child suffered for that. I do not think I would cease that fight.
I remember years ago driving my son to an appointment to see a psychiatrist without Grant’s approval. This was before DD, and yet I remember that drive, and thinking that I was doing this against Grant’s wishes. In my mind I acknowledged his parental rights, which are surely no more significant than mine…and yet. I took my son because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do for HIM and that responsibility as a mother trumps that responsibility as a wife for me. It just does. Armed with the medical opinion of the specialist, I would talk to grant before starting our son on medication, but I refused to not go.
Grant expects me to accept his decisions in all things regarding our lives and our family, once he has heard my point of view. He decides if we cannot agree. But, at the same time, I know Grant values me as a good mother. I think while men who are leaders want to lead, men who are fathers want to have children with a mother who will rear those children well. They want their offspring loved and nurtured. The issue gets complex. There are rare times when my protectiveness has meant I have felt the need to stand up against Grant. We talk, sometimes we argue. I remind myself that that right or wrong he loves them as much as I do. I also believe that us standing together is often more important to them, in the long run, than any small wrong we might commit as parents. This helps most times. While I do not always agree with Grant’s decisions, I try to back him. He is stricter, and less emotionally driven than I am. He looks to develop strength in our children while I look to nurture. All in all, having two parents is a good thing, and I realize that the kids seeing us as a team is for the better good. But not each and every time. Not always.
When our older son was sick this last year, there were times when Grant and I were at odds with what to do. There was a time when our son’s behaviors were unclear and neither of us was completely sure whether he was being immature and needed structure and discipline, or was truly not stable and needed us to back off and simply support him. It was a nightmare. There were daily assessments and decisions to be made. As a parent that is such a difficult place to be. I am not only a mother but a trained psychotherapist. I remember one particularly awful time when my gut told me that our son was in the edge of psychosis. I was not 100% sure. I am his mother, after all. I worried that I did not have the professional distance, and the signs were not overt. And then, Grant does not have the same training or the years of clinical experience that I do, and we disagreed about what to do. Ultimately, I argued hard, and would not let it go. Finally, rather than discount my expertise, he conceded, but not without some hard feelings.
I think for him it came down to him choosing to respect my trained mind and mother’s heart over his authority. For me it came down to protecting my young, yes, even from his father if need be. Respecting my husband’s position of authority does not trump protecting my babes, and we all know what happens when you corner a mama bear. She will fight to the death to protect her young. One of the things that saved us is that I do not play with our power relationship. I think (I hope) Grant knows that if I will not give in, accept his decision, then there is a very real reason. Being trustworthy is so important. I do not use my Mom card lightly. I do let Grant decide, even when I do not agree, as often as I can. Whenever I can, I remember that in the end it does not matter much anyway. Almost always, the children will survive just fine.
But then…. There are moments in life where big and life changing decisions need to be made. There are issues of physical and mental health. That is where my limits come into play. I think, because I do not cry wolf, Grant was able to concede when I fought him on the issue last year. It was that vital, our son that fragile, and I did very literally explain that I could not back down where our son’s life could be in the balance. Although he did not see it himself, Grant agreed, and decided to follow my lead on that decision. A good leader knows when to take advice.
When we talk about DD in general, when I talk about following my husband’s lead, about his authority, I get worried sometimes and want to add the warning under my blog: Do Not Try This At Home!. Frankly, there are blogs I have read where the HoH’s behaviors have been described and I just shudder and think “No way would I follow that man!” Leadership needs to be developed and respect earned. I do not necessarily believe in male authority. I believe in my man’s authority. It comes with tremendous respect and love and thoughtful consideration towards me. There are not many men I would agree to submit to, and being a mother is a profound duty. As is being a father, but that is not mine to take care of. I take my responsibilities towards these children I brought into the word quite literally as a sacred commitment. Luckily, Grant appreciates that.
This still leaves us in turmoil at times, but as the children grow, and their needs are less, the stress seems to be ebbing away. I hope so. During these years of rearing children, there has been no time I was not also a wife. During these years of being in a power exchange marriage there has been no time I was not also the mother of children not yet launched into the world. It is there, always, and I think that is how it needs to be.
Nice or Naughty ?
I have a new cell phone and Grant had me get text messaging. I have never before sent or received a text message. Today, over a lunch at a little local Italian Bistro, on our way to do some last minute Christmas shopping, he taught me how to do it!
G: I love you!
S: I luv u 2
G: Be nice or naughty…take your choice.
S: Hmm…I’m thinking…
S: Naughty?
G: Yes
I am sure you savvy younger folks think this is very silly. My kids surely think me technologically challenged and old and kind of boring. What they don’t know won’t hurt them!
The season is full swing upon us and we are in the midst of a five spanking run. Why? I am not sure exactly. He decided last week that we needed to reconnect, play, get some things straight, de-stress…all of that. So far there has been a punishment, a maintenance, and a fun spanking… so let’s see what tonight brings. The “naughty” text might just be a hint.
We hope you all have a most wonderful Holiday!
And try to be nice! 
Grant and Sara
Spanking As A Tool
I have been thinking a lot about our disagreement, and the resolution, and what that means for us. It has been rare that there was no place where Grant and I could see eye to eye. Even when I read his comment yesterday to An ‘Unfair’ Spanking” post, I thought…“No, there was not heavy traffic. It was completely safe to pull over. And our son was car sick. He should have done as I asked this time.” But I also trust Grant enough to know he sees it as he is saying, and that his vision of the right and necessary thing to do is just different than mine. Usually, after I am calm, I can at least see it from his perspective. I can’t this time. We just disagree. How can that be? And how do you survive these unresolved conflicts in marriage? Often they are small, but just the tip of the iceberg of what lies beneath.
I am sure we are all familiar with the story of two blind men asked to describe an elephant. One touches and describes the tail, the other the trunk. They both will swear the elephant is completely different, and just as they ‘see’ it. They each know they are right. And they are. Each has just experienced the elephant! Sometimes even the very best of relationships is like that. Those are the times when the trust and love are most essential.
I think not all marriages are made up of two people who are as different as Grant and I. He is a man and I am a woman. He tends to see the trees first and I tend to see the forest first. He is more conservative and I am more liberal. We came from different socio-economic backgrounds, different religious upbringings, even different cultures. It is not hard to imagine that there would be places where we do not see things the same. What we have in common are many interests, fundamental values, and a tremendous love for each other. Very often our differences delight, and sometimes they frustrate and cause friction. Sometimes I get spanked.
What I have found, we have found I think, is that these differences can cause us to stand apart within our marriage, two people who love each other but do not agree, or we can use the tools we have to allow us to stand together, in disagreement occasionally, but very much together. For us, that is what Domestic Discipline has been about. The process and function of DD is about establishing values and rules, and enforcing them for the purpose of keeping us a very connected couple. I spent the first 20 years of our marriage being right all the time. It got lonely.
Right or wrong, spanking puts an end to an argument…if you let it. Here, if it didn’t, Grant would spank again. That has happened before, too. There is no amount of spanking that will change anyone’s mind, prove a point or make the HoH right. I don’t believe spanking for discipline is effective at any time if there is a not lot of communication. If the spanker hasn’t explained thoroughly why he is punishing, if the spankee hasn’t had a chance to say her piece and felt heard, and IMO, if she does not willingly submit. Once that has happened, spanking is a tool in the tool chest to emphasis the Dominant’s displeasure with his submissive, to ritually reenact their agreed upon roles in the relationship. They each take their place in the spanking and act out the whole dynamic in a very basic and primal way. For my part it involves taking the spanking, the pain, accepting his right to administer that. I try to open my mind and heart to him at that time, to let him in. Almost always that has meant some level of agreement on the issue at hand comes about, and some degree of accepting responsibility for my actions or behavior that caused Grant to feel I should be punished. In the process I feel remorse, punishment and then forgiveness.
I know Grant takes his role as HoH incredibility seriously. He has never truly punished in anger, and without giving a lot of thought to the situation. He says he does not like punishing me any more than I like being punished. Spanking for stress relief, or for fun, is very very different than causing or receiving pain when things are upset between you. I never go into a punishment spanking easily, but instead with distress and some fear. Never fear of him, but of the pain, yes. The pain is different in punishment, in no small part because it is more, with no warm up, but also because of the emotional place I am in, I think. It’s not fun or pleasant or easy, ever. I believe it can be hard for Grant too.
However, when the dust clears, what is left is the fact that we developed a relationship dynamic that began with learning about Domestic Discipline, and has evolved into a version of that which fits us, who and how we are, that works for us. There is no amount of pain in a spanking that can match the pain of the discord we felt when our roles were not defined. As hard as it is intellectually and emotionally at times to submit my will to him, my decisions to him, to make my vision of what should be second to his when we cannot agree, it has made for a wonderful marriage. Multiple people from the outside have asked how we do it (we’re not telling!) They have commented on how amazing it is, and how rare, that a couple married almost 24 years are still in love. We loved each other but were not in love four years ago. We were divorcing.
I am a very independent and self sufficient woman. I am well educated and well paid. I am a top executive. I make decisions with impact; manage lots of people, deal with big budgets and ‘important’ people. Why ever would I allow my husband to spank me over an argument about pulling over the car? Why would I concede that power I have in the outside world to my husband in our home? Because it works. Because it keeps us strong and connected and intimate as a couple. Because as much as a leader I am in the world, I can’t respect my man if he lets me be the leader in the marriage. Because I need this
An ‘Unfair’ Spanking
Sometimes being in a DD marriage is not much fun. Not that it is supposed to be all about fun, but there is a lot of fun, satisfaction, connection, and intimacy…all that good stuff we blog about. There is also the stuff that doesn’t get talked about as much. The times when things don’t go well, get resolved, feel good or connected or even fair. I know DD is not about fair, in fact, relationships in general are not really about fair, and yet the concept of fair stays with me. Then there is the idea that spanking is supposed to ‘work’, to do something for me, for us. It isn’t like that every time though. Sometimes a spanking is just a spanking, and it hurts and then it is done.
Last night was not “fair”. We disagreed, we argued, I was mad. He spanked, I was furious, he spanked some more, and then we went to bed. No real resolution, no agreement, no catharsis or warm fuzzy feelings after. In fact, it was all I could do to not throttle him, or at very least give him a thorough tongue lashing. Although I am a tad out of practice, I used to be pretty good at that. Instead I tried to accept that sometimes DD is like this. The power exchange and the spanking doesn’t feel good or right or make things better at all. But it is what we do, and that doesn’t change. Being able to weather the rough spots is what makes for longevity. I have been wrongly spanked before, was last night (IMO), and no doubt will be again. It still is hard to accept, but it is what it is.
On Wednesday, on the way home from the airport late in the evening, Grant and I had had a disagreement regarding our son. So often our discord is around the kids, likely because this is one place where we both have our strongest feelings. It was never resolved. We were both tired and travel weary, and just went to bed. I spent a good bit of energy trying to talk myself down, however. I felt he was really wrong, and had a hard time not carrying a grudge into Thursday. In fact, I pushed myself to be nice on Thursday morning. I was determined to not hold my very real upset against him, and worked to let it go. I was struggling to handle things well, and thought all in all I had.
After work last night Grant decided to drive me into the city to a work related Holiday dinner, while he took the time to go see his brother. I was determined to not bring the issue up to him on our hour long ride, and to keep the peace. Imagine my surprise when he brought it up, and then asked rather matter of factly, “So would you like your punishment tonight or tomorrow night?” My response was “Excuse me?” and then “I have been mad at you, but am working on not holding all this against you. I really don’t think you want to go there with me!” Apparently he did.
I have always claimed I am not much of a “submissive”. I can be submissive, but to BE one, in my heart of hearts, well I just don’t think so. We rehashed the whole argument, eventually with raised voices, and it became clear that no one was conceding. It turned into my version versus his, my perspective versus his, and finally he said “Well we can’t agree, and the deal is, then I get the final say. What I think goes!” I answered, and not for the first time, “You know what? Yes, you can decide to punish me, and yes, you get the final say, but you don’t get to tell me what to think! I am not just agreeing with you because you say so. We are going to disagree!”
We rode in silence to my party. He dropped me off, picked me up, and we drive home. We had both calmed down, the ride was fine, and I was hoping he would think things through and change his mind. It has not happened often, but it has! Alas, when we finally got home near to 10 Pm he was still on course.
He gave me 15 minutes to get myself ready and then kept me waiting in the bedroom for almost 40. It was not his fault, as our older son decided to sit himself right in the next room on my laptop, so Grant waited for the coast to clear. None the less, it gave me way too much time to get both very tired and very riled. I can’t tell you how hard it was to go to him when he sat on the chair in our bedroom and called me over. I’ll admit I did consider refusing, for just a split second. I couldn’t. It would be simply wrong. I know that, but the thought occurred. I just had to say “You understand I am not on board with this?” He asked, “With this spanking or our arrangement in general?” Where did that come from? I guess he felt he had to ask. I told him, “With this spanking.” He answered. “ OK, I understand. Please come over here.” Is this scene what anyone envisions when they go into a DD marriage? It is fine in a story. The reality is somehow less romantically appealing!
He spanked me OTK with that awful hairbrush paddle…just enough to get me furious! When he let me up, he took one look at my face and I guess saw my narrowed eyes and set jaw and said “We are not done, back over!” Could I be the only woman in this situation who has such evil thoughts – OK, so if I am getting punished for nothing, then I might as well let it rip and tell him to F himself! Get my money’s worth at least! – I didn’t. I do believe I tried that in the past (once!) with less than satisfactory results. Another place where fantasy vs. reality collides. He spanked until I started crying. When he stopped, he tried to comfort me. It was really hard to be open to him. I stayed with him for a minute, and then just got up and crawled into bed.
I was angry, but it faded. You know, we both know our roles, and we do what we need to do. Who’s right and wrong is not always the most important thing. We sometimes don’t agree, can’t agree, and I guess that is life. I do know he always does what he believes is right. I trust him 100%. I do know he loves me. We talked some tonight; we reconnected; we’re fine. We still don’t agree. What we can agree on is that sometimes things aren’t perfect, and we just move on. We made sure that was hand in hand by talking a bit, another spanking, some intimacy, and I guess, a whole lot of belief in us.
Self Talk
I am still in Florida, in the Orlando airport with a husband who has not had a decent night’s sleep due to bad pillows and an old neck injury which is bothering him, two boys who are over tired, one of whom hates flying, and a flight delayed several hours. There has been way too much testosterone flying around me today, too. The only one who did not care how and when the bags were carried out to the car and loaded in was me. I just tried to stay out of the fray. Boys and fathers have stuff between them that is their own agenda, you know? This morning, when I heard Grant grumbling “This is going to be done MY way!” I knew I was out of my league, and thankful for it!
At 16 and 22 my guys are big enough to advocate for themselves, stake their own claim in the clan hierarchy, jostle for position, and Grant is still vital enough to defend his. It gets interesting, (when not irritating) to watch, though. The boys make “jokes” about Grant getting old and slow, and he growls and takes some ribbing, but is clear to maintain his leadership status. I wish my daughter was here so we could just go shopping! We women are so much less complex, don’t you think? Let us hunt and gather in a good outlet mall, snag a new pair of shoes, and we are happy!
Anyway, Grant has irritated me this morning. No big surprise there. We are all travel weary, and I get anxious traveling. Not exactly sure why, but I always have. So I get uptight, he gets bossy…no, he IS bossy, and things go downhill from there. Today at the airport I decided to buy a snack and he found me by the bakery counter. He asked what I was doing there, with the clear inferred message that I don’t need pastries. I don’t, but what’s your point? So when he said “Do you really need that?” my answer was “It doesn’t matter anyway.” i.e. I am already fat. He was pretty displeased with my answer, as was I with his question. Whatever. I took my biscotti and water I had purchased and we had a few words. He was upset that I would say “It doesn’t matter”. I apologized, but then he kept going. Now that irritates me! “OK already, let it go!” He’s tired. I’m tired. We’re stuck in a freakin’ airport and I’m fat. J
OK, the truth is that I have gained just a few pounds. I need to and will lose them. It is unhealthy and I feel unattractive, despite everything Grant tells me to the contrary. But when he comments on the food it gets to me. I guess I am not in a place where I feel very open to that. I was months ago, when I was working hard to lose, and had asked for his help. I don’t feel in control of it all right now, and I think I am not in a head space to focus on that, and somehow his bringing it up is not sitting well with me. Not that it has to.
I remember being on a DD forum a couple of years ago and someone arguing that there are some things off limits, and if you do not want ‘help’ in a certain area then you should have the right to just say the subject is off limits. Some other couples work out their power dynamics differently, but I don’t get to pick and choose where Grant asserts himself and where he doesn’t. Somehow that would seem rather hypocritical to me, frankly. If he is in charge only where I allow him to be, doesn’t that really mean I am in charge? I will have to find a way to get myself on his page. I will get there.
In the meantime, after we had a few minor words and I was quietly huffing to the departure gate (only to find out we have another 90 min to wait, hence the time to write this) I was stewing. I know I am not the only woman who does this…“That *&%^#! If he thinks…(fill in the blanks)…well he has another thing coming!” Etc. So those thoughts went through my mind for a minute or two, and then I thought to call a DD girlfriend to vent. I figured she would say the right things to help me settle down. I was thinking to say “OK, help me to not throttle my husband!” We do that for each other sometimes, talk our friend into a better mindset, help her to focus on what she needs to so that peace is not destroyed over a small issue. Or at least get her to laugh and break the tension! It’s a really nice safety net, frankly. But then, I began imagining what she would say, the same things I would say of she called me. “Yep, I know it is freakin’ aggravating sometimes! BUT he was trying to help, and you DID ask for that a while ago, and he IS trying to look out for you. Besides, is this worth arguing over? Don’t get yourself or him riled up. It’s not worth it. Let it go. You don’t want to go home to a spanking. Maybe tomorrow, when you’re not irked, talk to him about how it makes you feel when he comments like that, if you still need to.” No call needed.
In the beginning of the DD in our marriage, when I was carefully practicing being respectful, learning to express myself without causing upset, I had to try to remember all the time. It was like learning to drive. I had to concentrate on staying between the lines! I learned to pay attention, I learned to rely on friends who were trying to learn a similar relationship style, and I also eventually thought to examine my self talk. One of the things I realized was it did matter, a lot, what I said to myself in the privacy of my own head. If I allowed myself to vent negatively in my mind, it was much more likely that some of that would slip past my lips. And then, Grant got rather astute at reading what I was NOT saying, through body language and expression. I have been told I am rather transparent. I informed him one time that he cannot hold me accountable for what I am thinking! Those are my rules but he disagrees…big surprise!
Anyway, the point is, once I began to pay attention to the dialogue in my head, I realized I could focus on positive self talk. It helps a lot. After all, we do listen to ourselves and we are influenced! If we are silently muttering “He is such an idiot!” or silently stressing, “OK, that was really aggravating, but he loves me! He is doing his best.” It matters. No one hears it but you, but what you hear all day every day makes all the difference. I need to surround myself with positive influences. I don’t do well with negativity, especially when it is my own!
These days, after three years of practice, most often it comes naturally. But when I am tired or stressed, when Grant is more bossy than his usual self, when there is a full moon, it can require concentration once again. It can mean I need to stop and think before I speak and act. It means I need to think about what I want, my objectives, our relationship and the expectations. How I want my behavior to be, what Grant expects. And then the consequences….for an unnecessary blow up, most likely a spanking yes, but more importantly, stress and negative feelings. No one needs any of those!
Whose Bright Idea Was This Anyway?
We are in the land where dreams come true. The only problem is, this is no longer my dream. I don’t have a little girl who wants to see Cinderella’s castle, or little boys who want to shake Mickey’s hand….not anymore! I remember those days with much fondness. So much so that when our 16 yr old’s high school chess team booked their trip to the National’s this year, we decided to tag along “for fun”. Whatever was I thinking?
Then, those plans made, we forced the 22 yr old to go with us, because although he is doing very well, we were not quite yet comfortable to leave him home alone to work through his complicated medication routine on his own. He is not pleased. The young man claims to be an existentialist, unfortunately, and this is his idea of resort hell. He has truly been pleasant enough, but he is disinterested in the Outlet Mall that kept my attention for two afternoons. None of us wants to go to the Magic Kingdom or even Epcot, and the hotel is mediocre so that all these chess families from across America can afford it.
Mixed in with 1500 teens and their families, are little children squealing early in the morning and off to see Mickey, and cherubs tantruming late in the evening, returning from playing too long with the Mouse. I even saw a little boy throwing up in the hotel lobby yesterday. It has all been just delightful! I am guessing, just as it was fun long ago with our own children, it might be again with a few grandbabes in tow. But for now, well the Magic eludes us.
The good news is that our son’s team won a third place trophy, that he has had an awesome time, and we have had some nice interactions with our older son as well. While the weather was darn chilly for Florida, at least it is not snowing like at home. While there has been absolutely no spanking going on at all, none, Nada (blame a lower end hotel room that shares a wall with the son right next door) it is a happy thing that although Grant insisted on bringing the ebony hairbrush (he won’t leave home without it) he has not felt he needed to use it. He doesn’t tend to use the ebony for play. The other good news is we get to go home on Wednesday! I am keeping that silver lining in sight!
A Change of Pace
Things have been a bit different around here lately. I suppose Grant has basically ‘reined’ me in. It is nothing very huge or shocking, but sometimes it is the little things that have a large impact.
I think I have been feeling rather out of control in my life. It is the stress, the loss, the worry…holidays, ill child, work stuff…it just all piles up. When I get overwhelmed my modus oporandi is to neglect myself. I am not quite sure why that is, except that neglecting work or mothering, or even wifely duties, is simply unacceptable to me. If I fall down in those areas I am in bad shape! But if I need to quietly and unobtrusively unravel, taking it out on myself seems to be the method of choice. I understand that is not the best option, and Grant certainly sees it as an unacceptable choice. Maybe it is, a poor attempt, but an attempt none the less, at damage control? I just don’t know, but it is behavior that does resurface for me in times of duress.
I stopped exercising and eating right, stopped taking vitamins some days. I just stopped trying, I think. I was down, worn out, and where else can one give up except on oneself? I know Grant, I do. Not there either, but sometimes I just get so very tired. The end result is that I have gained 5 pounds, my back is unhappy, my gastric problems have been acting up, and I was beginning to really spiral downwards. Now there are ‘good’ reasons. But self neglect doesn’t make any of my issues better or more manageable. Grant finally stepped in.
It was interesting, because we do have rules about these things. I am supposed to exercise 5 days per week and eat healthily. I had been losing weight because I wanted to and should, and taking vitamins is non-negotiable. I have been doing this fairly well, with a few glitches here and there, for several years, but I guess that all started to fall apart when our son was doing so poorly again, a month ago.
I remember fairly early on, towards the start of DD, we had a discussion about health issues and DD in our marriage. I felt that was overstepping some line, for him to get involved with my body, so to speak. How I deal with my health and MY body is personal. That seems silly to say now, but so it seemed to me at the time. He explained that from his perspective my health and well being was at the very core of his interest, and how I take care of myself has every effect on our relationship, now and in the future, and I needed to accept that he would be involved. I adjusted. But, you know, give a dominant man an inch and he takes a mile! It started with vitamins and exercise and the medically prescribed diet for gastric problems and turned into numerous other small things. What I do for exercise, how often, what vitamins I take, taking medicines, seeing doctors. It is all good. I get that he loves me and does not ask anything of me that he does not fully believe is for my better health and wellbeing. But it not the easiest path.
So, almost 2 weeks ago now, Grant brought this whole issue up during a maintenance spanking session. He started asking some very direct questions like “Did you exercise today? Yesterday? Well when was the last time?” “Um, I’m not sure…uh, maybe a few days ago?” “Are you taking your vitamins?” “I did yesterday!” How’s your diet coming?” “In truth, it’s not.” He was not happy, but then neither was I.
In the past, this would have been the time he announced he was going to truly punish me for disregarding my rules, for not taking care of myself, something he takes seriously. He did not. It was worse than that. I told a girlfriend the next day that maybe a punishment spanking might have been easier. She just asked me to please never mention any of this to her husband! Instead if spanking…well he did spank while he was explaining what was going to happen, but it was not a punishment. It was a no-nonsense, don’t mess with me or else kind of spanking. First, he informed me that I will be on the elliptical machine every morning, no days off until further notice. Second, he decided to add 5 minutes to my time. Third, and the absolute killer is that I am not allowed on-line at all until it is done. Further, he informed me, he did not want to have to remember to ask me. That is my responsibility to let him know. First thing when I see him in the morning (I am almost always up earlier) I am to go up to him with a kiss and say “Good morning, I love you, and I exercised.” or “Good morning, I love you, and I did not exercise.” At which point he would immediately escort me to the bedroom and then and there give me a spanking which he promises would “make me very very sorry!” Oh, and then I could go exercise! Hmmm, Decisions, decisions!
After 3 yrs of living this lifestyle, I still have these moments of pondering “I wanted this why?” Sigh. It has been hard. I am very used to getting up, stumbling to the coffee pot and waking up slowly, engrossed in my cyber world. I might chat with a friend or catch up on a few blogs, and then a half hour later go get our 16 yr old up for school and get myself going. No more. Now I grab the coffee and try to wake up enough to get on that blasted machine. It takes 15 minutes to get myself awake and down there, so by the time I exercise it is often time to wake the kid and get in the shower. My cyber life is being infringed upon! L
Sometimes, when we talk about DD, we focus on the aspect of crime and punishment more than anything else. In our home Grant prefers to lead and direct. I know people do things differently, but he is less interested in punishing than in truly changing behaviors. In this case his objective was to get me moving back in the direction of living a more disciplined life. I know in my heart he is right, and my body has agreed. My back is feeling better, and my spirits seemed improved by the endorphin boost of the morning ritual. The man is not asking anything of me he does not himself do. He has exercised consistently for 30 yrs. I wish I had the self discipline he does, but the simply fact is I do not, never have, and I doubt I ever will. What I do have is a loving partner who does not take no for an answer, and who cares enough to insist I care about myself. And I also have the willingness to allow that, even if I grumble very quietly to myself some mornings on my way past the laptop to the elliptical.
I have not missed a morning, until this past Sunday when he said I could finally take a day off. I just would not do that to him, or to myself. Living this lifestyle is at its core all about cooperation. Accepting his leadership gracefully is the goal. He mentioned something about “30 days making a habit”. He has a plan. I do have to admit that the imposed structure, the routine in the morning, does seem to set me up for feeling like I have a better handle on things in general, on me. I might not like the method (I really don’t), but have to say I am beginning to see some benefits.
MBS Spanko Brunch #151
In this week’s Spanko Brunch, Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts asked:
Do you publish a spanking-oriented blog?
I guess, sort of? I often talk about spanking, but I think this blog is really oriented towards the Domestic Discipline lifestyle, that does include regular spanking.
If so, what is it about blogging that you enjoy?
I really LOVE blogging. It is helpful to me to have a place to work out the things that swirl in my head. The process of writing organizes that and helps me to feel settled. Having people, my readers understand and relate is very affirming. These things are not what we would typically share with real life friends, yet being able to share them is great.
It has also been wonderful to find a community of people willing to think and talk about different aspects of DD, BDSM, power exchange, spanking…their relationships, and their kinks…openly and in a positive light. It has been enriching and supportive of my growth to find a community that welcomed me and truly supports me, both as a spanko, a DD wife, and eventually just as a person. I have gone through a rather rough year and the support from this online community has been consistent and very much appreciated!
What is the biggest negative?
The biggest negative is the very few people, here and there that disappoint. Every once in a while I get an unsolicited crude sexual invitation, or a very occasional nasty comment. It is rare though, and my delete button works just fine!
This question is a timely one because I find I have had difficulty blogging this week. I have things to tell, yet feel reluctant to put it out there. Recently I found out that a blogger I thought I knew was not who they said, i.e. a fraud. I find I am truly shaken, but I am working to get past that. (see 42nd st) I remind myself that overall the positive far
ooutweighs the negative, and it really does. And, in real life not everyone we meet is wonderful, and so it is here.
I think most of us in this blogging community, and the spanko world in general, are especially vulnerable when we open ourselves here. We have such a unmet need, and when we meet others who share our passion and understand our need we are so relieved that we let down our guard. In general, this spanko blogging community is made up of some really wonderful people. I have met some and they have become my best friends. Yet…and yet, not everyone is, and I have to remember not to believe everything I read. That is the biggest negative for me.
How does blogging impact the rest of your life?
I find myself thinking on a daily basis about what I am going to write about, and pieces of posts float through my mind pretty regularly. I don’t consider that a negative though. It keeps me more self aware of the Domestic Discipline aspect of my life, and that is a good thing. Having a place to talk about the spanking aspect is the fun part.
I have enjoyed blogging enough to have encouraged a couple of newer DD readers to give it a try. It really makes me feel good to think that in some small way I have helped those people find their place here. Bonnie helped me when I had not thought of ever going public with my writing. It was such a positive experience that it feels great to pass that encouragement on. If any of you out there are considering starting a blog, I say go for it!
