He Is My Home
We had a rough weekend. Another disagreement about parenting that led to a real argument between us. Pretty lousy, frankly. We both hate it when we fight, and fight we did. Sometimes DD complicates, because it adds a power dynamic that tips the scales, and although it usually makes things easier, not every time. Grant had an opinion, I disagreed with his resolution, he wanted me to agree, and I just could not. HoH stuff gets sticky. My submission has boundaries. To me, acknowledging him as Head of Household means that after I express my opinion, he can and will do as he sees fit, even if we cannot agree. This time, Grant saw my disagreement as a lack of support and even respect. Just yucky stuff really, but the kinds of things one has to deal with if you are going to keep communications open in a DD relationship. At the end of the day, lots of things get said that the other does not necessarily want to hear, but silence is not always golden. Silence lets problems brew and fester. In the long run, we always talk. Sometimes, unfortunately, we also yell.
Perhaps, in the short run, sometimes we need to talk less. I see lots of couples who are pretty compatible in personality. Grant and I are so different….in personality, in parenting styles, in demeanor. I remember a few years ago being at a Chinese Restaurant and reading the Chinese Horoscope on the menu as we awaited our appetizers. I consider the Chinese Horoscope completely reliable information! Our signs are The Rooster and The Rabbit, and the only character the Rabbit is warned to stay away from is the Rooster, and the same in reverse. Geez…if only I had read that menu before I said “I do”!
Our marriage is sometimes not a peaceful or harmonious one, but it is one filled with love and passion and fun and delight. A while ago a reader ‘Pretty DD Girl’ asked a question about us. I have been thinking about how I could answer ever since.
Why do you guys seem to be in-synch when so many couples seem so random in their DD? Even when you disagree about the punishment? Yes, each relationship is different, but there is disorder in the court in the land of DD.And not just amongst the newbies either… You pattern a behavior of thoughtful consideration not seen amongst many bloggers. There is sacrifice on both parts — not a perverted sense of entitlement and raging irresponsibility; emotionally manipulating is kept at bay. As such, I can identify a number of points in your statement that highlights why you succeed, even when you disagree.
Why indeed? I think Grant and I go the extra mile together, whatever that takes. I think it is because we have been down that road and played it to it’s sad outcome. We went through a divorce and rebuilt a marriage out of the ashes. We know what emotional manipulation, pride and entitlement can bring. Nothing good. I know that regardless of whatever we do not have together, whatever problems and hurts there are, we love each other. We are committed. I need him.
One of the things I realized while Grant and I were separated for over a year was that I wanted this marriage and him, no matter what. It wasn’t about settling it was about making a final decision, forever, ‘unto death do us part’. We were married for 20 years and I loved him, but at some unconscious level that back door was open. IF the marriage did not work out, IF he did X or Y, If after the kids were grown we were not happy…who knows? I see, underneath the spoken words, in the secret places of many friends’ hearts, the same lack of total surrender to their spouse, to their marriage. Divorce is an option in our society. That stands. What I learned through our dark time was that although I can live alone, support my self and my children, and have a reasonable life, I choose to be with him. Once I had made that “unto death to us part” promise in the depths of my heart, the rest began to come.
What would you do if you knew 100% you would live with your husband (wife) forever? No outs…none. Would you decide that the quality of day to day life was yours for the making? Would you try to put down your pride and go to him more often? Would you accept that when the boat gets rocky, when the waters are smooth, when you love him, hate him, are angry or happy or sad, he is still yours and you are still his, so get over it and find a way to come together?
We use Domestic Discipline as a tool to strengthen our marriage. We use spanking as a way to communicate, integrate, love, play, punish and resolve differences, but underneath all that we built a solid foundation.
He’s my Home. I know it, and that makes all the difference
Spanking Fun
Lest you all think things are always oh so serious, I thought I would share a piece of our spanking fun. Grant and I do a fair amount of fooling around, verbal jousting, teasing and such. It’s just who we are. Yes, he can be serious, but I try to shake him out of that when I can, and sometimes even manage to do that without getting myself spanked! The sprayer was a bit over the line for him, but verbal pokes work well enough. The trick is to walk that line without stepping over…quite a balancing act! I am not quite sure why, but that line just calls out to me sometimes!
Anyway, we had our Ritual Domination Spanking (my new name for “maintenance” ) scheduled for last night, and it had been a few days too long, and I was feeling a bit feisty, and perhaps like the line needed at very least a toe tap! He called my name and I sat and looked at him, blank, not moving from my computer. I knew what he wanted, but made him say so. I hesitated and took my time until he finally half heartedly scolded, calling me “a bad girl” and walked me into the bedroom. While I lit a candle, he began to take out the implements. The Ebony brush happened to come first, “The brush? (pout) But I don’t like that one!” He laid it on the bed to the right. Then he took out the “sheet straightener”. “Tsk, I don’t like that one either!” He laid it next to the brush and said, “OK, why don’t you tell me which one’s you’d like me to use?” He took out the leather paddle next. “OK. Yes, I like that one.” He put that on the left. Next he reached in and took out the drum stick, I shook my head and that went to the right with the brush, the small strap to the left, the wood spoon to the right, on and on. Finally there was a pile of three leather things on the left, and a bunch of wood on the right. I’ve always gravitated to the left!
Now I know this man better than to think this was going to go down this way, but was not quite sure what he was up to. Until…he put the case down and looked across at me. Paused, swept the implements all together into one pile and said:
“Well, that ends the role play portion of our evening!” J
What We Figured Out
I had an unusual thing happen last week. I was completely blindsided by my emotions. Ok, I’ll admit I am often pretty emotional, but I generally at least have a hint of what is going on inside. When I wrote “Over A Barrel” I thought I was writing about some mild mixed feelings about our recent spanking sessions. I had no idea how unsettled I really was, and what sort of issues lay beneath the surface to be discovered. Somehow, in the process of working that through, I wrote out the details of our spankings in a way I never have before. In retrospect I guess I needed to go through the whole scenario to poke at what was there, ultimately to bring up some buried feelings that were niggling, that I could not quite get a grasp on.
Hours after posting and going to sleep it hit me that I was very anxious about the post. I was unclear why, but I pulled it and sent it to Grant to talk about. I worried, first, that the post possibly made Grant look bad, and then that I had discussed things before we had the chance to talk. I grappled but had the sense that I could find no clear perspective. It turned out Grant was unconcerned about either of those things. However he was quite upset that I posted intimate details. I know I am never to post anything sexual. He is quite conservative on that score and feels it is inappropriate to talk about those intimacies here, in public. I am rather shy myself, so that works. He also, however, does not want spanking details posted, or anything extremely personal covered in detail. I write about ideas, feelings, the process, and leave it at that.
This is something I know not to do. We have discussed it. I have crossed the line in small ways here and there, and he has always reminded me. In truth, sometimes I have difficulty anticipating where his boundaries lie, because they are not the quite the same as mine. We have some different ideas about our comfort level with openness about these things. Out of respect for him, I really try to not cross his lines. What is between us is ours, not mine or his. I try to keep that in mind. This time I forgot. Somehow I was so engrossed in my emotional process and working through things that I suspended my perspective and just put it out there in cyber land. He was upset, hurt, and angry. Mostly he felt “exposed”, and I was just horrified that I had done that to him, albeit unconsciously. How could I have forgotten to think about him?
I felt quite sad about that, guilty, and I am going to be careful that it does not happen again. So guilty, in fact that at one point I expressed to him my thought that he should punish me. Imagine asking for THAT? No, he said, that was his decision and he knew it was just a mistake. What he wanted was to talk, and then to go over the post “line by line” to edit and be sure we were crystal clear. We did that, and the reposted version was edited by him.
There was a silver lining. That post did open up some discussions between us that needed to happen. I am sorry I posted it but glad I wrote it. We have talked a lot and that has helped a lot. The only times I have felt scared regarding a spanking/DD issue, is when I am wrestling with control issues. I think there is no question there is an element of that here. More intense spanking sessions with no “reason” intensify the sense of being out of control. If you are being seriously spanked for punishment, there is a rational. If the spanking is erotic, or for stress relief, there is a goal in mind and the spanking matches more or less (hopefully) the expectation, and thus I am able to feel there is a sense to it all…i.e. it is not totally out of my control because it “makes sense”. In my mind, unbeknownst to Grant, I began to worry if he was spanking this way simply because it pleased him. And if he was doing this for HIS pleasure, (i.e. is he a sadist?) then WHAT does that mean? I don’t know, but it frightened me.
What we found out, by talking, was that we had not been talking for a while. Things were said, but not communicated clearly. The bottom line is this. Grant had consciously decided to ramp up our spanking sessions several months ago and for
a specific reason. He mentioned that in passing, maybe in October? He felt, and I agree, that so many things in our life were out of control, and that I/we needed that. Our son was not doing well, other extended family issues, work stress, then the Holidays coming, kids all at home…our cup runneth over. He explained to me, when we finally did talk, that he believes that when our lives get so chaotic, it can pull me into my take charge and need to handle everything mode. I don’t feel at my best there, and when he can convince me not to pull away from our dynamic and go into my “I need to control all this” persona, it is best for both of us. I think he is right.
nI retrospect, though, I think what worked for me three months ago stopped working. I no longer needed that, and as we had not talked it out in a while, I was busy trying to handle it and not complain too much, and the whys started in my mind. I guess he had not rethought things. It all comes down to communication, doesn’t it? Over and over and over again!
So he has adjusted just a bit, with the disclaimer that he may choose to step things up at any time. We agreed it will be with clear verbal communication though! We’re still learning!
Lies Hurt!
If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound? I guess this age old question divides our community, and perhaps divides all people. If there are not extreme consequences that you see or hear, does the action that caused those possible consequences have any meaning? I would say yes, but I realize others think it might not matter. If the tree falls and no one hears it, who cares? I care, because I believe that whether we see or hear the results clearly, there ARE results, consequences. The law of physics says every action has a reaction. I believe it is a law of life that what we do, whether we are seen (or caught) or not, has consequences. If you steal a cookie and no one sees, was it still wrong? I say yes. It is not “wrong BUT everyone does it”, not “wrong BUT I didn’t mean to”, “BUT I didn’t plan to hurt anyone”. It is just simply WRONG. I think we are fooling ourselves if we pretend that falling trees make no sound. I believe we do ourselves and our community at large a disservice when we pretend that deceit is acceptable.
I know that Paul, a married man who lured a young girl into trusting him, and ultimately into a spanking (pseudo-sexual) relationship is a predator. He may be nice, gentle, well known. That does not change the fact that he took advantage of an innocent single young woman looking for love. Priests lure in young boys. Parents abuse their children. Respectable looking con men take people’s money. None of these people walk around with a P for predator stamped on their foreheads, and many of them appear to be nice, kind, upstanding citizens. Predator’s abuse vulnerability, that’s their M.O.
Some bloggers and readers have said they are appalled. Other bloggers have welcomed Paul to their sites saying, “But he is such a nice man” and “he must not have meant harm”. I don’t know if Paul is “nice” or not. None of us know Paul. I just know what he did was awful, abusive, and hurtful. It needs to be said out loud, that this sort of behavior is simply unacceptable. I believe it is irresponsible to stand quiet when we see others abused.
PK has announced she is re-opening Cassie’s blog, and many are supporting that move. She must “not have meant to hurt anyone”, and “how bad can it be to write a blog anonymously?” and “I have always loved reading Cassie!” Me too. If it were just the blog, maybe one could argue that it was not so very hurtful, although even that I take issue with because it diminished all of our credibility here. I know one reader who has now sworn off blogs and one blogger who will likely close her site. They don’t want to read or be exposed to fraud and lies. However, there is a much larger wrong that was done! It is time to speak out.
I have a very good friend who is hurting terribly now, and has been since she discovered that PK was really Cassie. In fact, she and I are the two people PK refers to on her blog who discovered the lie at the end of November. You see, Cassie was not just an author, but corresponded with many people as “Cassie” through private email.
Cassie befriended my friend, a DD wife, at home with a toddler son and chronically ill husband, a woman who relied on the Internet for friendships when she could not often leave the house due to the needs of her guys. For 18 months they emailed 2-3-4 times a week. My friend listened to Cassie’s marital conflicts, hopes, fears, and shared her own. They shared ideas, hurts, dreams and laughs. They became close friends. My friend also occasionally emailed with another blogger named PK. Cassie talked to my friend about her blogger friend PK, and sometimes PK talked about Cassie. It seemed strange that Cassie was never allowed on the phone or IM, and as close as Cassie and my friend were, that bothered her, but out of respect for Tom, who “did not trust the Internet”, she accepted Cassie’s terms. Most of us in blog land have Internet friends. Imagine of you became very very good friends with one gal and friendly with another for a year and a half, and then found out you had been duped, played, lied to. Imagine if the friend then emailed you about how sorry she was BUT she “loved writing Cassie stories”, BUT “every one does it”, BUT “I really still want to be your friend…why can’t we still be friends?” Who does that? What kind of person treats a friend she supposedly cares so very much about, that way?
Why indeed? Because anyone who would pose as a caring and close friend for 18 months, all based on a lie, does not really give a rip about anyone but herself. Anyone who would pose as a single and kindly older “Uncle” to an unsuspecting young submissive looking for a Dom, doesn’t care about her either. They are all about them, their needs, what works for them. They have demonstrated no integrity, respect, or caring for anyone else. They have hurt people.
Should they be forgiven? My question is when have they sincerely asked for forgiveness? Have either of them said “I am so sorry! What I did was wrong!” N0 ifs, ands or buts. First, I cannot forgive someone who has not accepted real responsibility; second, it is really not for me to forgive. It is for Jay and my friend to consider forgiveness, as they were the ones wronged. It is my place to consider whether I stay quiet, or I speak up about what I believe. I feel that to not speak about injustice is to perpetuate it, to accept it is to feed it.
My friend sent this to me just today:
Dear Sara,
So far, I have been silent through all of this, but I finally want to share some random thoughts:
I think my exchange with PK when I discovered her deception best convey how much pain one can cause no matter what the intent. I initially wrote to and connected with ”Cassie” who wanted me to get to know “PK” as a relative of hers had suffered from the same horrible disease as my husband does. I can not express enough how much lies hurt people – 18 MONTHS of them. I have edited the note for names/locations to protect her real life identity.
________________________________________
Well, PK… I just have this uncanny addiction to reality. I know you are a real person… but there is a little more to it than that. “Cassie” is a sweet dream – like I said – I know – with proof… there is a river… but the reality of what exists is …. XYZ places… there is no “out west” anytime… not now … and last January… only Orlando. I really feel for Eva, Paul, Mthc, Grace, Ceeci and whomever else will feel very *real* pain. I’m off to take my *real* son to visit his *real* dying father: the *real* love of my life – no fantasy needed. Lilly
Her response:
Lilly, I know you are real. I know Paul and P are real. I know the disease he has is real and I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I watched my (relative) deal with it too. I am sorry you are having to go through it all right now. I have never meant to be anything other than a friend and a support to you. I hope I still can. PK
And my response back:
PK,
How does one feel truly supported and cared for when overshadowed by such grand deception? What happens now with ”cassie” - and what about all of the people who will be hurt? Or does ”she” “live” on? So, loss of my husband… and now also the loss of the very existence of a ”friend” and trust shattered wide open with another. Loss on top of loss. And it will be a loss for anyone who ever engaged or cared or identified or wished or believed… I understand this was not the intent in the creation… but…
I’m not about to be the internet messenger… not my mess to clean up… but will ask you if anyone else knows? Unless she knows… I’m most worried about Eva – the trust she has in your friendship is no small thing. Also, can’t help wonder how many others out there are only dreams…
The whole thing just sucks. Lilly
____________________________________________
Then I received the email you all read on her blog. I was in the middle of a crisis – trying to minimize my losses and be fair to her. I get she did not initially intend for any of this. But I think that is the point. When you lie – you do REAL damage to REAL people. So now, Cassie will reopen – I’ve asked that all references to me and my life, my comments be removed. I want to completely disassociate myself from this whole thing. My life is too precious.
I shared my real life with her fantasy character. I hate feeling the fool. She posted a real life account of mine on her blog as a follow-up to her made-up story. She asked ME for relationship/dd advice on a few occasions. Why? In hindsight… to feed her fantasy… get ideas of what a real dd husband might do? Can’t see any other real reason. She told me of a drinking binge she went on after an online upset. Told me she was dead drunk and in the car with the keys. That “Tom” found her there. That he’d lost a dear friend in the same way. Was upset about what she’d put him through. Who DOES that to someone they call a friend? I’ll stop now – I think people can get an idea of what I am trying to convey.
It is not only the inexperienced that can be fooled. I met my husband online, have made several amazing friends here who value honesty and do not see it as something “flexible” like some of those who have commented elsewhere seem to. I’ve forgiven PK, and am moving on. Thank you, Sara, for giving me a place to post this, and for every ounce of support you’ve given me, for being you, and for our friendship. Lilly
I removed my link to PK’s New Beginnings and to Cassie’s Blog because I will not be part of supporting lies, deceptions or hurt. I have not visited either blog, not even Fantasy Friday, since the day I found all this out. I do not want Paul commenting on my blog. I can’t have fun or even engage in discussion with people who would hurt others this way. I no longer trust PK or Paul. I don’t need friendships or association with people I can’t trust. In truth, Paul could be commenting on my blog under another name, and PK could have a whole other blog that none of us know about. It has been my experience that liars lie, and I just don’t need that in my life.
Cyber Life
This comes from a post swan made today. I have so much that I want to say!
I “get it” that knowing who you are and what you want/need is a really important part of building successful relationships. I have no problem with identifying that you are dominant or submissive or sadistic or masochistic or switchy or poly — or whatever collection of labels you believe describes your particular orientation. That’s a very good thing. I just do not agree that being X, Y, or Z releases any of us from being human, and humans are social creatures. We are more than our sexual/erotic orientations — hence the value of beginning at the beginning with one another.
First, YES! We are people, first and foremost! I chatted with a friend last night. I am not very familiar with the spanko world outside of my safe and very married arena. I have been with my husband almost 30 years. My close Dd friends are all solidly married and have been for some time. Neither I nor anyone I know well has been looking. What I read though, on some blogs of singles, and what my friend told me, I have a hard time understanding. People connect on-line, apparently they go though an “introductory” or “clean the slate” spanking, and then they begin to get to know one another. Then, quickly, they introduce Domestic Discipline. My question is why?
If you are looking for a spanking partner, then I understand why. Just like if you are looking for a friend to have sex with, you might engage in sex right away. This is not about morality at all. But if you are looking for a life partner, would you not want to get to know one another first? IF you are compatible, IF you have similar interests, values, goals, then perhaps you might consider investing yourself in a sexual or spanking relationship. As for Domestic Discipline, why would you hand over the right for anyone you do not know, respect, love and trust, to judge you let alone punish you? If it is a play date, then go play. But real DD is serious stuff! Unless I felt that way about a man, and believed he loved and was committed to me, I would never ever give him that power over me!
I suspect in the search for a Dominant, a submissive, a spanko, a whatever that people are looking for, they forget that first they need to find a relationship. We are people first, I believe our sexual interests and orientations should not come first.
I am switching subjects here, but not really. I guess many of us know there has been a cyber uproar, as two of our own have in one way or another been outed as fakes. There are all kinds of hurt feelings, recriminations, judgments, and excuses being made. Spankos are people, bloggers are people, readers are people. People should be honest with one another, and I think we have the right to expect that. When they are not, others get hurt. Deception is hurtful even when it is not meant to hurt. If a reckless driver hits a pedestrian, the fact that they did not mean to hurt anyone does not help much. Is it better than running down the pedestrian with intent? Yes. Is it an excuse that despite driving 30 miles over the speed limit in the rain, they did not mean to run down that pedestrian? No.
One might think it cannot do much harm to write a fake blog as if it were real, but relationships came out of that blog, emails, friendships, real feelings that hurt real people. One might think that telling a small lie to a young girl about your marital status would not hurt anyone. After all, this is all just on-line and half fantasy anyway…right? Wrong! I am real. Most of the other bloggers are real. Most of the readers are real. I was a real woman in a failing marriage who looked to blogs for some guidance in an attempt to put my marriage back together. If I thought they were just fiction, I would have never ventured down the DD road, and Grant and I would be divorced and my children from a broken family. This is real life stuff folks, and what we do, say, read and write effects people in their own real lives around the world. There is a tremendous power in that, and I believe a tremendous responsibility. We need to be people first.
Please, write with respect, read with respect, treat people as if they live on your block and as if you may run into them anywhere. There is “value (in) beginning at the beginning with one another” and value in seeing ourselves and others as the real people we are first, before we decide to play, be that online or in real life. Be responsible.
“I just do not agree that being X, Y, or Z releases any of us from being human”
Me neither swan, me neither!
Over A Barrel, Edited and Reposted
Have you ever felt that you were ‘over a barrel’ so to speak? Spanking can be like that. Of course I can only speak from the bottom. Not sure tops ever find themselves in quite that position! Grant would remind me, “Nope! That’s not the deal!”
He doesn’t like me to fuss or wriggle too much, kicking is out, pulling away just not happening. And yet, and yet…he spanks until I am fussing, wriggling, kicking and pulling away. He uses that old cliché, “Spanking is supposed to hurt”. Well, yeah…but just how much? I’ve recently noticed that while he admonishes me for making a fuss, he simply keeps spanking until I do.
There are times, when I am laying over his lap wondering what the heck was I ever thinking! What brought me here? Trying to “be good” but knowing eventually he is going to spank harder and harder until I can’t manage to “be good” anymore. There are times it is all I can do to not struggle up and smack him. There are also times I can slip into that peaceful meditative space that lets me drift off and distance myself somehow from the proceedings. I feel it but I don’t, you know? In the past few months our spankings have been consitently really intense, and he seems to push me further. He goes through all our implements and that makes for quite a spanking. When he switches implements up so often, and keeps pushing, it pulls me out of that comfortable place too often for my liking. I don’t want to complain, I know I am not supposed to tell him how to spank, but I also struggle with handling it with grace sometimes.
This was the “discussion” during my maintenance spanking yesterday:
Blue is what we said (Pink is what I thought!)
Geez, this is getting way too hard. Just breathe. Keep still. You can take it. OMG he’s spanking harder. I can’t take this! If I cry will he stop? I have to ask…
Sara: “Can I ask you a question?”
just breathe through it
Grant: “Sure”
should I ask it?
Sara: “Do you just keep going harder until finally I kick and fuss?”
Grant: “Spanking is supposed to hurt!”
undetected eye roll…uh, yeah, no kidding!
Sara: “Ouch! Yes. I try to not fuss, but I sometimes feel like you keep going until I do…. Is that true?”
Grant: “I look for signs. How else am I supposed to know if I am pushing you far enough? And you need me to. We both know that!”
Maybe if you were ever, just one time, on the receiving end of this….
Sara: “But Grant, this is too damn hard!”
Grant: “I decide that and NO cursing!”
Ouch, and ^#*/# !!!
Sara: “Since when was ‘damn’ a curse around here?”
Grant “Quiet!”
Don’t try to kill him, he has the paddle!
Ok, so here’s the reality. He who holds the paddle gets the last word, but she who writes a blog still gets her say (especially when he goes out of town for three days).
But what exactly would that complaint be? He spanks too hard. But you agreed that he’s in charge of spankings. He doesn’t spank evenly…the right cheek often hurts more than the left! But then I just know he’ll be sure to give the left it’s due when he gets back. Nah, that’s not really what I had in mind at all.
I ended up asking him another question when we went to bed last night. He had spanked me before dinner. When I got into bed last night my left side was warm, but my right was really sore. I was pondering the fact that we used to have these nice long relaxing spankings. The ouch factor was there, but I don’t remember still feeling it 24 hours later, every time! I guess I lean more towards wanting the stress relief, the connection, and enjoying the eroticism of spanking. It occurs to me that Grant has taken our maintenance sessions to a different place. And that is what I am pondering here. What happens when your husband, your ‘ vanilla’ guy, the one you introduced to Dd and spanking, owns it…takes over. What happens is he makes it his. He does it his way, injects what makes sense to him, what pleases him…he is dominant. Did I ask for that somewhere along the way? Are you sure?
So I decided to request that he share with me his vision of maintenance spanking. Something we have surely discussed so many times before. This time the answer was different. He said “It is a preventative to punishment.” That is not what I expected as his definition. Then, “A time when I ritually dominate you, through spanking…to define us, our roles and keep things ordered and clear between us.” I wondered if it had changed. It has.
The time we spend is still very loving and connected. He is sometimes stern, but most often very soft and caring, tender, and then he spanks me until I can’t sit! He seems to think this works. It works for him. I am still trying to figure out if it is working for me. Hmmm, I guess he’ll let me know! (kidding…just kidding!)
It does sort of work, but daRn it hurts!
Post Removed
Blogging has proven to be an interesting experience – challenging, fun, and cathartic. Sometimes the words just flow, sometimes it takes a couple of days to drag a post out of myself, and some times, I am not even sure what will come out before my fingers hit the keyboard. I get an idea and sort of run with it.
My last post, Over a Barrel, was like that. Don’t look for it yet, because I pulled it. I sat down to write Monday evening. We had done a somewhat intense spanking session (“maintenance”) the night before, and I was still feeling it some. We had also had some discussion around that which I had not really yet processed, and then Grant left Monday morning for a three day business trip. That in itself sets me off. It’s fine. I am so used to it, and yet…
When he has been home for months, and then the travel season begins again, it always bothers me. He will go once this month, maybe once or twice in February, and then the every week or at least every other week pattern will begin. My husband is a force, a package of energy and determination. He is at some level always in motion, and while I love all that about him, I get jealous, frankly. I want him with me, focused on me… me, me and me! Not that I have a choice, but I “let him go” because I love him, and because he needs to do this. I try, often unsuccessfully, to do it without too much stress or pull on him. I don’t like it very much.
So how much of my feelings have to do with the spankings we engage in, how much his seasonal renewal of travel, and how much something between us developing. Well I just don’t know yet. What I do know is that as I wrote something in a semi-light hearted way, I began to work out what I did not even realize was brewing inside. Then I posted it Monday night. Talked about it with a DD friend and it dawned on me that I am unsure. I am not even sure what I am unsure about, but something is not sitting quite right and I am feeling insecure. I woke up in the middle of the night and in complete anxiety pulled the post. I’ve never done that before. I have certainly felt worried or vulnerable about my posts. I think it might be part of laying things out there so openly. At least for me it is. I am actually kind of shy, and the things I say here do make me feel very exposed sometimes. But there are connections and support and a catharsis that in the end makes that worth while for me.
This time I wasn’t sure. And then it occurred to me that I had posted about something that was a real issue, to my surprise, and it is between Grant and I, and he is away, and I have gone public without talking to him first. That’s not the way we do things. I needed to go to him. I pulled the post and emailed it to him, explaining what happened, and we talked last night. He does not want me to re-post yet, but after a bit of editing I can. We need to talk first. It is about DD, about spanking, about us, and how we see and do things. I guess we have ridden for a while on so many things settled, worked out between us, flowing without huge effort, unlike in the beginnings, that it caught me by surprise that once again we need to really talk about This Thing We Do* and how we do it.
I know from one close friend who has been doing *TTWD several years longer than we have, that these bumps happen. They will continue to from time to time. It is about self reflection, keeping connections strong, about growth. As things come up between us it is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and each other, to resolve things, to be better and closer and stronger together. So while it feels unsettled, it is also exciting that we will work through this and grow, and that is so satisfying for Grant and I both.
He’ll be back Thursday, tomorrow…not that I am counting the days. He might want to spank me before we talk, but he says we will talk, and then I’ll post Over A Barrel. As long as I’m over a barrel with him…you know? There is no place else I would rather be!
About Those DD Friends
I’m in a weird mood. It has been sort of a weird week. Monday our daughter turned 20. I know this is going to sound a bit odd, and over emotional, but I cried. Yeah, PMS. But I also cried because she is 20 and not 2 anymore. I cried because she is in love for the first time. She has become a young woman, I also cried because Grant was spanking me at the time, but sometimes I need that to let the tears come, when they get stuck. And that was the resolution to the Stars Not Aligning, of course. A spanking that would not have needed to be so fricken intense had it come 24 hours sooner…but them’s the breaks sometimes! Sigh…football playoff time!
Then I got sick – sick enough to take to my bed early Weds night, and stay home from work Thursday and Friday. Just a virus, but it zapped my energy. Now that I am back in full swing, it is the weekend again, so more football playoffs. Is there anyone else who can’t wait for the Super Bowl? Those festivities are to celebrate the end of the season, right?
I’ve been thinking a good bit about DD friends the last few days. When we began with DD, it became really important to me to find another woman or women to talk with, who could relate to what I and we are going through. I know Grant is always wary of me discussing our “personal business” and yet we women have a very real need to talk among ourselves, to discuss, debate, reassure and share. It is part of being a woman, and one way we differ from men. You guys seem to be content sharing sports and beer. We women need to TALK.
We talk about us, about jobs, kids, marriage, and yes, about DD. We share a lot and become close. One of the challenges that I never anticipated in making close DD woman friends is the struggle to accept aspects of their relationships that are different from mine. In the beginning, you tend to assume you are alike. As you get to really know people, you learn that there are still many differences, even among women who share so much. We have different temperaments, different rules, different punishments, and different intensity of spanking we engage in. It’s all fine philosophically, but something else entirely happens when you get very involved with a friend, and simply, I think, when you really care. You worry for them. One of the very nice things about being friends with other DD wives is that they understand and support that your goal in your relationship it to enhance it. We look to find ways to feel good about our husbands. Thus, we help each other do that. When one of us is mad at a husband and we need to vent, we allow each other that in a ‘safe’ environment with out the risk of it sinking into husband bashing. We help each other by reminding our friend “Yeah, he may have been off base, but he tries, he loves you…when he calms down, talk to him!” which is so much different than hearing “Yeah all men are jerks, aren’t they?” That truly is what you get in the non DD world way too often. It is not helpful.
But there are times, when I struggle to be supportive. When I do think someone else’s husband has acted badly, has let her down, has been insensitive, and I want to go ring his neck! I suppose it is nothing different than many close friends feel for each other, but aren’t our guys, these HoH’s types, supposed to be more aware, better than that? Sometimes. Most times. Not always. When it is my husband, I easily forgive him. When it is my dear friend’s husband, not so easily. I love my husband. I don’t love theirs though, and I find I can hold a grudge a lot longer.
In the past I remember struggling with talking with a friend who engages in more severe spanking than we do. I found myself worried. What it came down to was realizing that as long as it is consensual, it is OK. None of the women I am friendly with are shrinking violets, but for me, I needed to hear she was on board with her experience. Then I had to remind myself that it was THEIR choice. In a power exchange relationship it can begin to look, from the outside, like there is a non-consensual aspect. Non consensual spanking… non consensual anything is abusive. As we explore, I know from my own experience, one can get close to the edge with that. A lot of times we need to and want to. It is scary enough from the inside. Watching from the outside can be maddening!
Another challenge is the rules. Some people live with rules that bother me. I couldn’t live with them. “Well you don’t have to”, you might think. But they impact the relationships. Women I really care about live with rules that I could not and would not be able to tolerate. And there are times those rules even impact on my friendship with them. What is comes down to is respect. It requires extending your idea of respect to your friend and their husband, how they choose to live, thus to accepting their boundaries. It’s about understanding that in the end, it is consensual. Sometimes, it is a challenge.
I decided to drive to the drugstore last night at around 7 PM. I decided and I went. I told our son on the way out the door where I was going. It was dark, and it was snowing. On the way there I thought about the fact that most of my closest friends would not “be allowed” to run out to the store. One of them is not allowed to go out after dark. Another is not allowed to drive in the snow. Those restrictions would make me crazy! I have another friend who is not allowed to drive an hour away from home. That would just NOT be happening. First, I have to drive an hour into the city for work some days, and second I know I would feel controlled in a very unhealthy way. I don’t want to be controlled. Led, kept safe, but not living with a man who is controlling. But the thing is, each of these friends are Ok with their rules. It is just ME who is not Ok with their rules! Good thing they are not mine!
And I know that I have rules that they would be very unhappy with. No one wants to go there with the exercise/computer thing that I live with! I know they think my husband, as wonderful he is, is also a piece of work, and I doubt any of them would put up with him for very long (Love you dear! 
). I wouldn’t put up with their husbands either! And I truly LIKE these men! It comes down to knowing that it IS consensual, that THEY are happy, and then being darn glad I have my own kind of trouble and no one else’s!
When The Stars Don’t Align
Sometimes things don’t work well. We find ourselves out of sync, not at the same place at the same time, literally and figuratively. For me, this weekend was one of those times.
First, I have PMS. I admit it. I am emotional, uptight, feel needy and out of sorts. Grant spent a lot of his weekend playing poker and watching football. I KNOW it is the playoffs. I WANT him to go out with the guys now and again and play poker. It makes him happy. We also had a houseful of kids. That was wonderful, but busy and left little alone time for us.
I have felt out of sorts for two days and even though I was thoroughly spanked on Thursday (but whose counting?), enough so that I felt it all day Friday, I need it again. At times like this, when I am PMS-y, sometimes I just begin to crave a spanking. The need, when it goes unmet becomes like a burn, ever present. Maybe it is partly because I know it will help? It really does seem to adjust hormones. I don’t know why, but it is so.
And sometimes, Grant who is watchful, tuned in, very much present, just is not. I can’t blame him. Well I can and I did, but then I apologized. It took us a couple of years of regular communicating to get our rhythms sychronised to the point where I don’t have to ask very often. And to feel when I do need to ask that he is OK with that, and that neither of us feels it is some sort of failure…to just ask for what you need. It took that for us to get to know each other in the spanking arena, just like in other aspects of our lives. What kind of music do you appreciate? Do you like this kind of food? Is this sexually appealing to you? How, when, where should I spank you? These things are not magically known but develop with time and effort. It used to be that I doubted him when he got it wrong. Maybe he doubted me in the past when I pushed, wheedled, bratted? Now I think we trust each other enough to know that sometimes it just ain’t gonna be perfect.
This weekend I really needed a spanking. I knew. He knew. By Sunday night I was frustrated, out of sorts, accusatory. I finally blurted out “So, I guess we are never doing Maintenance again?” How’s that for a passive aggressive shot in the head to a man who had no clue what was about to hit him? How could he have no clue when I have been brewing for 24 hrs? I don’t know. I do know that was not a good way to handle things. I took a shower, and decided I was NOT accepting “a mercy spanking”. I muttered, fussed in my head, and then finally, as I was blow drying my hair, looked in the mirror and thought…are you out of your mind? Yes! That must be it.
I do know Grant takes care of me to the very best of his ability. He does that because he wants to. I trust that, finally. But the reality is Grant is not what I would call “a spanko”. I think, if it were not for me, he would never have entered into this lifestyle. I do not think he has that need to spank, deep down, a burn, the way I have it to be spanked. It is what it is. I want to accept who he is, like I want him to accept who I am. It cuts both ways.
Can I blame him for who he is? Of course not! There are so many ways in which we are not the same. Marriage means accepting and even appreciating our differences. No couple is perfectly matched on what they like to do, to eat, how often they wish to have sex. I think we need to allow the rhythms of spanking too, and know that we will not always be on the same page.
I apologized to Grant. I admitted that I was hormonal, a bit off kilter with kid stuff from this past weekend, and just too emotionally driven to be entirety rational. That had nothing to do with him, and blaming him, expecting him to magically fix it all was unfair and unrealistic. He said he had planned to spank me Monday night. That’s fine. I’ll survive. It feels so uncomfortable to make myself that vulnerable, even to my husband. When I have this intense need I feel needy. And I hate feeling needy. But that is my problem, not his.
