About Those DD Friends

I’m in a weird mood. It has been a sort of weird week. Monday our daughter turned 20. I know this is going to sound a bit odd, and over emotional, but I cried. Yeah, PMS. But I also cried because she is 20 and not 2 anymore. I cried because she is in love for the first time. She has become a young woman, I also cried because Grant was spanking me at the time, but sometimes I need that to let the tears come, when they get stuck. And that was the resolution to the Stars Not Aligning, of course. A spanking that would not have needed to be so fricken intense had it come 24 hours sooner…but them’s the breaks sometimes! Sigh…football playoff time!


Then I got sick – sick enough to take to my bed early Weds night, and stay home from work Thursday and Friday. Just a virus, but it zapped my energy. Now that I am back in full swing, it is the weekend again, so more football playoffs. Is there anyone else who can’t wait for the Super Bowl? Those festivities are to celebrate the end of the season, right?


I’ve been thinking a good bit about DD friends the last few days. When we began with DD, it became really important to me to find another woman or women to talk with, who could relate to what I and we are going through. I know Grant is always wary of me discussing our “personal business” and yet we women have a very real need to talk among ourselves, to discuss, debate, reassure and share. It is part of being a woman, and one way we differ from men. You guys seem to be content sharing sports and beer. We women need to TALK.


We talk about us, about jobs, kids, marriage, and yes, about DD. We share a lot and become close. One of the challenges that I never anticipated in making close DD woman friends is the struggle to accept aspects of their relationships that are different from mine. In the beginning, you tend to assume you are alike. As you get to really know people, you learn that there are still many differences, even among women who share so much. We have different temperaments, different rules, different punishments, and different intensity of spanking we engage in. It’s all fine philosophically, but something else entirely happens when you get very involved with a friend, and simply, I think, when you really care. You worry for them. One of the very nice things about being friends with other DD wives is that they understand and support that your goal in your relationship it to enhance it. We look to find ways to feel good about our husbands. Thus, we help each other do that. When one of us is mad at a husband and we need to vent, we allow each other that in a ‘safe’ environment with out the risk of it sinking into husband bashing. We help each other by reminding our friend “Yeah, he may have been off base, but he tries, he loves you…when he calms down, talk to him!” which is so much different from hearing “Yeah all men are jerks, aren’t they?” That truly is what you get in the non DD world way too often. It is not helpful.


But there are times, when I struggle to be supportive. When I do think someone else’s husband has acted badly, has let her down, has been insensitive, and I want to go ring his neck! I suppose it is nothing different from many close friends feel for each other, but aren’t our guys, these HoH’s types, supposed to be more aware, better than that? Sometimes. Most times. Not always. When it is my husband, I easily forgive him. When it is my dear friend’s husband, not so easily. I love my husband. I don’t love theirs though, and I find I can hold a grudge a lot longer.


In the past I remember struggling with talking with a friend who engages in more severe spanking than we do. I found myself worried. What it came down to was realizing that as long as it is consensual, it is OK. None of the women I am friendly with are shrinking violets, but for me, I needed to hear she was on board with her experience. Then I had to remind myself that it was THEIR choice. In a power exchange relationship it can begin to look, from the outside, like there is a non-consensual aspect. Non consensual spanking… non consensual anything is abusive. As we explore, I know from my own experience, one can get close to the edge with that. A lot of times we need to and want to. It is scary enough from the inside. Watching from the outside can be maddening!


Another challenge is the rules. Some people live with rules that bother me. I couldn’t live with them. “Well you don’t have to”, you might think. But they impact the relationships. Women I really care about live with rules that I could not and would not be able to tolerate. And there are times those rules even impact on my friendship with them. What is comes down to is respect. It requires extending your idea of respect to your friend and their husband, how they choose to live, thus to accepting their boundaries. It’s about understanding that in the end, it is consensual. Sometimes, it is a challenge.


I decided to drive to the drugstore last night at around 7 PM. I decided and I went. I told our son on the way out the door where I was going. It was dark, and it was snowing. On the way there I thought about the fact that most of my closest friends would not “be allowed” to run out to the store. One of them is not allowed to go out after dark. Another is not allowed to drive in the snow. Those restrictions would make me crazy! I have another friend who is not allowed to drive an hour away from home. That would just NOT be happening. First, I have to drive an hour into the city for work some days, and second I know I would feel controlled in a very unhealthy way. I don’t want to be controlled. Led, kept safe, but not living with a man who is controlling. But the thing is, each of these friends are Ok with their rules. It is just ME who is not Ok with their rules! Good thing they are not mine!


And I know that I have rules that they would be very unhappy with. No one wants to go there with the exercise/computer thing that I live with! I know they think my husband, as wonderful he is, is also a piece of work, and I doubt any of them would put up with him for very long (Love you dear! ;) ). I wouldn’t put up with their husbands either! And I truly LIKE these men! It comes down to knowing that it IS consensual, that THEY are happy, and then being darn glad I have my own kind of trouble and no one else’s!

8 thoughts on “About Those DD Friends

  1. Sara,
    Very well said – the mutually consensual reminder. Those of us engaged in any type of power exchange relationship whether DD, HoH, BDSM, M/s, D/s or any other variation all need to remember that our own way of “doing it” is not the “right” way, it’s just our way. I think there is no other rule that governs relationships which is more important than making sure that what happens within that relationship is mutually consensual.

    There are plenty of folks within the BDSM world who want to tell you the right way and wrong way and how to be a Dom or if you’re a “real” slave or simply a submissive who is pretending. If I could ever get through to these folks just one message, I would have them learn that there simply is no right or wrong if the parties involved are both in agreement. The opinion of the outside world simply doesn’t matter, and is not needed in order to validate our relationship.

    Congrats on getting to the heart of the matter, even something with which you were uncomfortable.

    And I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ve been uber-sick myself this week, I do feel for you.

    Also – congrats on your daughter’s milestone. And I’m sorry she’s not a little girl anymore, even though I know that deep inside you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve done a great job parenting her, so pat yourself on the back.


  2. Dear Sara,

    I don’t have any real world friends with whom I talk about DD, but I do have one friend I’d LIKE to talk to about DD….I think she and their relationship could really benefit. On the other hand, neither she nor her husband is truly suited to it, so it probably wouldn’t work. I do envy you that you have friends like that though. I definitely think it would be so helpful sometimes.

    You’ve hit the nail on the head with this: “What is comes down to is respect. It requires extending your idea of respect to your friend and their husband, how they chose to live, thus to accepting their boundaries. It’s about understanding that in the end, it is consensual. Sometimes, it is a challenge. ” We do need to respect each other even as we agree to disagree about somethings.

    As far as the limits some men impose, two thoughts: first, some of those men are probably mistaking being in control with being controlling. It’s the ‘I’ll have her do absurd things just to prove I can’ syndrome. And second, perhaps some of those women are truly less competent than we are and actually NEED to stay close to home, particularly after dark or in inclement weather! Ideally, our men do what needs to be done to take care of us, right?

    Interesting post, Sara.


  3. I find your posts very insightful. Rules are something that is a never ending struggle for me, it seems, although we’re still starting out. We dont have many set rule except be respectful. I was wondering how do you cope when you don’t believe or even understand a certain rule or why your getting punished? I’m pretty good at admitting I’m wrong and I always accept the punishment given but sometimes I don’t understand why I get disciplined for certain things. Have you ever had that? What do you do about it? Thanks for your time

  4. We don’t so much have friends with rules that feel controlling… though can totally understand what you’re talking about there. Things seem to go the other direction with our friends, where their DD relationship seems far-far too casual. There are rules, but the spanker doesn’t stay consistent with them.

    They might let something slide for no real good reason, and do so several times… only to decide to crack the whip (so to speak) when the mood suits them. We especially see this with our Diet Group.

    It’s tough because we’ll have a friend talk with us about their frustration… and… we really want to avoid being critical. Boils down to saying… if it’s not working like it should for you, you need to communicate that to your partner.
    Todd & Suzy

  5. i loved this post, and it has given me much to ponder. i currently have a friend whom i shared this lifestyle choice with, but she and her husband no longer practice. i am able to comfortably talk with her about my husband, but i have found in the year since they no longer practice, that she wavers more toward the “He makes you do that?” side. i miss her understanding of the purpose.

    As to the mutual respect. Yes, absolutely. When someone i care about does something differently than the way i would, i accept them as they are. If they were just like me, then things would be boring between us. i also find i can learn a lot from others when i have an open mind.

  6. Tapestry, you’re right, mutual consent is really the only aspect of a relationship that is judgement worthy. You are also right that I wouldn’t have it any other way for my daughter. She is growing into everything I ever wanted for her. I just miss my baby girl!

    Constance, I have found that making DD women friends was a wonderful thing, and a tremendous support for me. In my case, I don’t keep people close to me who I cannot respect. I just am unable to do that. In this particular case, because I DO respect these couples, and I DO know the women are very capable, I have to back off and assume there is more to it than meets the eye. Thus, I don’t think it is fair to say their husbands are controlling, rather that I would feel controlled were that to occur in my marriage. What makes it strange is that there are many HoH’s who are inexperienced, confused, and controlling. These couples don’t fall into that category in my view. Sometimes, something just works for another couple that is very different than what would work for you, and for me that is where the stretch to respect and accept differences comes in.

    Allison. I will be happy to answer your question in more depth. Give me a day or two?

    Todd and Suzy, I agree, one sees that problem much more often. Not much in my closer circle of friends, and certainly when if I am asked, I will just say it the way I see it. I have a propensity for doing that, as you might imagine. I have gotten to ‘know’ lots of couples thru blogs, forums and a few in real life. It has been my observation that aside from the occasional obvious mis-match, where it is unlikely the marriage will survive anyway (or they stay together for the kids), most couples make a matched set. They have the problems they have because at some level they both allow that to happen, together. They both play into it. They both allow either themselves or their partner to not do what they agreed to without saying anything, without pointing out the larger ramifications to the entire relationship. Honesty and hard work is a central ingredient in any power exchange relationship. If either party is not doing their part, or either party allows that, it just does not work. The other issue I see a lot is those subs who say over and again “How can I get him to spank me when he said he would?” are sometimes, unconsciously, sending mixed messages. They need to honestly look at what they are doing, and how they can facilitate things working better. Unless they are brand new, those issues resolve, or they are both dropping the ball, somewhere, somehow.

    Carolyn, I know just how that feels. It has happened to me. I retained friendships, but found other people to discuss any serious DD issues with that I needed to talk out. I find that living within the lifestyle in a similar way makes a huge difference in what I can share and who I take advice from.

  7. Sara, Having not interacted much with other DD women, I cannot claim to have run up against this difference in rules or worries about spanking intensity much. I am still trying to figure out what is normal and acceptable just for Mac and I. He recently has limited me to three DD places on the internet…one of them being your blog. I can also visit Italian Gal and Taken in Hand. Those are my choices for now and probably for a long time. I’m not even going to ask if you think Mac is being controlling. He believes he is keeping me safe and establishing a reasonable standard and I will accept that his motives are centered around my best interest. I do feel like he has severely limited my opportunities to interact with other DD wives, girlfriends however, so I may need to try and negotiate a little more internet freedom with him. Interesting post, Sara. Glad you are feeling better.

  8. Sorry to join in so late. Been out of internet service for 3 days. You know that I am one of those folks that cannot wait for the Super Bowl to be on-as long as my team is in it- LOL. I love football and cannot get enough of the game. J has to drag me away for spankings- kicking and screaming I might add. I try to get him to wait at least until half -time.

    I love and find I need my DD friends and hope I give to them all that they give me- friendship, understanding and support. I soooo agree us gals need to talk. I have 2 close DD friends, and many acquaintances whose opinions and advice I treasure. I need gals to talk to that will strenghen me in my relationship with J. Husband bashing and negativity in a relationship is a downward sprial and a trap I try to avoid at all costs. As Constance said respect is very important aspect in all arenas of DD. Great post Sara.
    I Gal

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