So About Those Spankings…
First of all, spanking after a 10 day drought hurts! Second of all, drinking the whole 8 ounces isn’t exactly easy when you are not especially thirsty. I’m just not. I wish I were, but I feel like my spanking mojo again eludes me. I think it’s just being emotionally distracted, and it will resurface on it’s own volition, eventually, I’m sure.
In the meantime, because we don’t just spank for fun and kink, or because we feel like it, but also because it is used to specifically support our DD relationship dynamic, he spanks anyway, whenever he decides. I know that sounds pretty obvious, but I see so many couples who consider themselves “DD” but who let that part go when things get stressed, life gets busy, or either of them doesn’t particularly feel like it. Then they wonder why they have trouble keeping the DD dynamic going. Committing to the routine has been essential for us.
We set our rituals very specifically, after trial and error, according to our needs and what seemed to work best for us. That turned out to be twice a week spanking sessions. Those spankings, “maintenance”, are usually pretty straight forward ritualized D/s experiences, although they may involve emotional and sexual connections (discussions and sex) and sometimes other D/s activities…whatever Grant decides.
There is something about his consistency that is very helpful for me, and very grounding. He understands that I have the need to feel my place reestablished, or at least confirmed very regularly. Without that, I either get antsy, insecure, and/or irritated. I can begin to have trouble accepting my role in our marriage with grace, allowing him to be the leader and following with ease. I start to subtly take over and get a bit pushy and controlling. Who ME? Controlling? That only happens all the time if left to my own devices! There begins to be a very subtle and underlying power struggle, and if he should neglect his agreed upon responsibility, which is to put me in ‘my place’ (the place I chose, btw) it feels somehow like I am being left to my own in our marriage, basically neglected. It’s weird I guess, but I know many woman ‘like me’ seem to feel the same way. Then I get agitated, and say to myself “Oh FINE! So I will just run things then, because apparently it all falls to me, because clearly his attention is elsewhere, and obviously he doesn’t care much anyway, and, and…” That internal dialogue running in my head is certainly not conducive to a peaceful or happy marriage!
That process, despite the ten days, did not happen this time, but it has enough times in the past for us to know it will should he not “take care of me”. That is in fact how Grant often refers to our Maintenance sessions. “I think I should take care of you tonight. So…how about 8:00 PM?” The question is attached to the time not the activity. I can suggest later when I would like to shower and blow dry my hair, but that’s about it.
So last night, the spanking was decreed, and I told him I was just not enthused. I didn’t try to get out of it, or argue, as after several years I know that’s pointless, just stated the facts. He toyed with me by saying “Ok, I’m going to shower then. Maybe I’ll just wait until you beg?” Huh…that sounded good to me! “Really?” “Uh, no not really!” with a smile…”Go get ready.” So, spanked I was, and it hurt and I was just not very pleased to be there, but tried my best to hold up my end of things (no pun intended J ) He reminded me at one point that he really doesn’t enjoy hurting me. I asked him if it was not true that I have been “very good this week?” He said “Yes, verygood, and that is what worries me!” Sheesh, I haven’t even had the energy to be snippy or fresh! I might have to work on that this coming week. So, I reminded us both that it is his job to deliver the spanking and mine to take it. The job was well done.
It did help. It was reassuring that we do TTWD* more or less no matter what. I was reminded that despite so many uncertain things in our lives right now, our marriage is not uncertain, and Grant’s arms are around me, always, even when they’re holding me down for a spanking. Knowing that is such a good thing for me. It all makes me feel very loved and safe.
* This Thing We Do
No Complaints
Really, I’ve got nothing to complain about. Last weekend we flew with the kids to Florida to see our niece married. Our older son was not well enough to go but well enough for us to leave him. Hallelujah! We stayed in a fabulous resort on the Disney grounds, Loews Portofino Bay Hotel. Although it was only 3 nights, our mini vacation was so needed and enjoyed. The wedding was joyous and we had a wonderful time with our children, our nieces and nephews, and seeing them have such fun dancing at the wedding together was heartwarming.
Then came Monday and I absolutely hit the ground running. I have a new key manager who started this week and I am driving into the city daily. Wow is that exhausting! Our son is so much better. He is back to himself, communicating and functioning. He even got a job this week. And yet…I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had decided he needs to manage his life without psychiatry or medications. How? I have no clue. Is he perhaps manic? I am not sure. Will he drop into a depression again next week, and lose the ground he has gained, the job he found, another fresh start left behind? I just don’t know, but the questions and worries haunt me. He tells me “not to worry”, that he “is 22 yrs old and it is time to grow up and make a life.” Yes, he is right. Am I a bad mother when I secretly wonder if he can?
The rest of us are fine. Our daughter was home for a week, then flew back to college from Florida. Being with her was wonderful, as short as the time was. Our youngest…he eats and grows and is busy being 16. The driving lessons come next.
Grant and I are fine…just fine. There was a whole lot of spanking going on through our crisis time, often 3 times a week. I seemed to need the connection, the stress relief, the grounding. Sometimes it is worth going through the motions, just because. It’s been a week now, though, and I am trying to figure out why I have little interest. Tuesday night Grant said we had “an appointment”. I dutifully got ready, but honestly, would rather have gone to bed. Then he came into the bedroom, put his arms around me and asked if I was as tired as he was. We were both releived to just go to sleep. Sometimes us old folks are too darn tired to be kinky!
Wednesday he again laid out implements and announced a time to meet in the bedroom, but this led to that, and while there were some interesting D/s activities of a sexual nature, there wasn’t a whole lot of spanking involved. It was fine. Maybe that left me feeling dominated enough that it hit the spot and I am just not in need? Maybe I am just tired from work, from our son, from the ongoing ugly lawsuit over my Dad’s estate, from my life?
You know, I just had a thought. I checked back on my calendar. It was this time last year that I flew to my Dad’s side as he lay critically ill in intensive care. Isn’t the unconscious amazing? I’ve kept busy, been a bit down, and had no real idea why. Now I know.
Our Kind Of DD
Some random thoughts on DD and our dynamic….
I was talking with a friend today and she said she suspected some people think that Grant is “mean”. It got me to thinking. She was not at all suggesting she thought so, but since he sets rules, standards and admittedly spanks me if lines are crossed….
I remember reading an article published in Australia some time ago about Domestic Discipline. It described a bunch of selfish men and doormat like women who submitted to their husbands no matter what, and whose husbands took advantage of that. There are not many men I would submit to, in fact only one I can think of. I am a pretty powerful woman in my own right, and diminishing who I am, my abilities and intellect is the last thing I am interested in. It also happens to be the last thing my dominant husband is interested in as well.
My husband is the kindest man I know. He is full of fun and warmth, attracted to small children and animals and anyone or anything in need. He is also committed to me and our relationship in a way that I know is unique. He thinks of me, still looks at me from across a room as if I was the most beautiful woman on earth. He treats me like a queen…his.
Grant does the ‘common’ things, like opening doors for me, dropping me at the front of a restaurant and then parking, carrying the bags when we shop, loading the car, bringing me coffee…all the time. He considers what will make me happy, comfortable, safe and healthy. Uncommonly, he brings me flowers, writes a card, texts me “I love you” for no reason at all. He consistently focuses on my satisfaction and well being, believing that his will follow. However, he also expects me to treat him well, with respect and consideration. He has set the bar high, knowing that when he feels valued and respected he can best care for me, and then our happiness is assured. In the background is always the awareness that he will use discipline to assure my cooperation, should I fail to act like his queen should. Yes, I am a spanked wife. Yes, he is in charge and decides for us when we don’t agree. Yes his opinions trump mine and our agreement is indeed that I happily accept and cooperate. When there is discord he resolves it by either making a unilateral decree and sometimes spanking or punishing if he feels that is needed.
So, is that mean? I think mean is letting your wife drift away from you in your marriage. I think mean is allowing yourself or your wife to not put your marriage and the happiness of that union above any other personal interests or concerns. I think mean is expecting her to find her own satisfaction, sense of security and happiness in her life. Mean is living married and yet so very alone.
We were not always like this, nor did Grant always put me first. I also did not give him the respect or priority he deserved. This lifestyle took us nearly 29 years of life together to get to. We grew and made our mistakes and nearly lost each other before we came to a place of awareness of what we believed was most important, and how we thought we could get there, through our version of DD. It works for us.
