Living with Integrity
I have never before in my life had demonstrated to me with such clarity the importance of honesty. Your words, your deeds your decisions can matter in ways you never anticipated. My father died last July at 86 yrs old after a car accident and almost 4 months of surgeries and hospitalization. Despite the fact he was married and lived 3000 miles away from me, he asked me a few yrs back to be his health care surrogate, his power of attorney, and the irrevocable sole trustee of his estate. He was in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage and felt too old and sick to fight his way out. Unbeknownst to her, he protected himself by appointing me to take charge and to care of him. As a parent ages And the roles begin to reverse, it is a difficult transition, almost like parenting a young adult, but in reverse. Every move is weighed as you decide how invasive and involved you should be, and try to draw the line between helping but respecting his independence and dignity.
Within days of the accident, while my father lay unconscious in intensive care, his wife contacted an attorney and began legal actions that have resulted in a massive law suit against me as trustee, and against me personally as well. The accusations range from my influencing my demented father (he was not) to the possibility that I used the Power of Attorney beyond its legal scope (the expert witnesses say no) to, as Health Care surrogate, I should have removed life support sooner (I was so careful to follow his written instructions). She accuses my motives to be all about money, basically from start to finish.
Last week I was called to Florida for a required attempt at mediation, and her offer was that she get everything and be given a mortgage on a property my father left to my children in return for not suing me further. Sunday night I flew to Florida again to meet with my lawyer for 5 hrs of preparation for the deposition that was held today. It went well, and my lawyer was pleased. Her lawyer was frustrated. Over the last year I have spoken with my lawyer countless times, sent emails, faxes, document and details. A couple of months ago she told me she think I must “have an angel on my shoulder”. I thought a moment and answered “That the angel is The Truth. I am simply telling the truth.” Today she said it is amazing how consistent I am, how everything I say, write, provide, presents a cohesive story. Again, it is because I am telling the truth.
The wife and her attorney assert that I took advantage of my father’s old age to convince him to have documents drafted that would benefit me. They describe me as a conniving daughter who never accepted her father’s wife, and who manipulated him to take his monies. They describe the wife as loving and entitled. The fact that I have numerous unrelated witnesses who swear that is not so may or may not result in my vindication. I only have so much faith in our legal system, frankly. My father’s two lawyers, his financial advisors, and his 3 best friends are all testifying on my behalf. I do think the truth will win out, but who knows? What I do know is this hurts. It hurts because it makes the loss so vivid…my father last July, my mother 21 years ago…the fact that my original family is no more. Who is left is me, and I am under attack. The bond we had, the love and devotion we shared is being reduced to financial matters. It weighs on me heavily. It implies that the love, the values, the relationships were somehow not real. I know better. Of course I do.
I am trying to stay steady. I am trying to remember that whatever happens, I represent those wonderful people, my parents, and I will be sure to do them proud. No matter what anyone believes or says, I know the truth. I know I loved my father and he loved me. I know he trusted me unconditionally, and that I did what he asked, and eased him through the end of his life the very best I could. I have the pain of saying goodbye, but not the burden of thinking I did wrong. My conscious is clear.
The reality is this. I KNOW I am telling the truth. I KNOW I did exactly what my father asked of me with love and devotion and integrity. I KNOW I have only told the truth, I am so grateful that I know enough to do what is right, to say what is true, even when it is doubted. When all is said and done, I answer to me, and I am satisfied with myself. Whenever my integrity or honesty is questioned, I will try to set someone straight, but have found people tend to believe what they will…what they have the eyes to see, and that has nothing to do with me or my reality. I end up shrugging and walking away. I KNOW who I am.
Last week, after mediation, I drove up to the little town where my parents bought our place 30 years ago. I took a walk on the beach before sunset, to think and de-stress. As I was walking I gazed out over the waves, and was hit by the sudden appearance of this:
The rainbow was vivid and full, arching from sea to sea. After maybe five minutes it disappeared and was followed by a light rain, but I was on that beach for those five minutes, and it left me feeling that an angel, or maybe two, are indeed watching over me!
Cooperation
I was going to vent here today. I was going to write about how tired I am, how crazy busy work has been, how the woman my dad married is suing me over his estate. How last week in mediation her offer was to take everything in return for not going after the property my dad left my kids. How shaken and angry I felt when I received legal papers this Thursday showing that they have filed a claim against that property…Tuesday is my deposition in Florida regarding her original action, and the trial comes in early May. Just yuck. These things shouldn’t happen, but they sometimes do.
Instead I am going to share a snippet from a conversation with my husband. He came up behind me this morning while I was standing at the sink and gently patted my bottom, kissed my cheek and said, “See you later, and you know we have an appointment tonight?” Ok so FINE… he’s going to spank me tonight..and…whatever. I wavered between arguing and feeling relief. I thought of making a sharp retort, but bit my tongue and instead, at least out loud, I answered, “Yes.”
Then I turned to him and said “You do know that I have extreme PMS and it is only by exercising my immense will power and by utilizing my tremendous restraint that I have managed to let you live?” He answered, “Yep. And I have been doing my very best to say nothing in the last two days!”
Now THAT is cooperation!
Enjoying Dd Friends
It is weds afternoon and we are now on the plane, winging our way home. What a terrific time we had! We met our friends from Australia in a little coastal town in Florida. After 2 years it was just wonderful to see them again, and then over the next couple of days we were joined by some other DD friends as well.
We really did just typical vacation things. The guys went fishing, we gals went antiquing, we dined and sat by the pool, and we laughed a lot. We are all really good friends. The gals chat on line or talk by phone pretty often, while the men see each other infrequently, only when we can manage to get together. Still, they all do enjoy each other and it was so relaxed and just lots of fun.
The other part, what is a bit different than getting together with non-DD friends, is being able to be more open. It took us a few hours to settle into, but after an excellent Italian dinner Saturday night, the 3 couples went back to our hotel, and sat up late talking about this and that. Eventually the discussion turned to relationships, and domestic discipline. While each of our marriages are a bit different, as each of our personalities are uniquely our own, we share a perspective on the value of identifying a leader in a marriage, in our cases, male dominance and female submission feeling natural and right for us, and it is simply different, very freeing, to be able to be yourselves, and to talk openly with others who share that perspective and lifestyle. The time spent with these friends is always really special!
I remember that when we began Dd, I struggled even typing the word “spanking”, let alone saying the word out loud! On Saturday night I said both the words “spanking” and “punishment”, as we discussed with our friends how hard it was in the beginning for the men to wrap their minds around the idea of punishing their wives. I remembered out loud how in our first year Grant used the word “cooperate” but not “obey” and “consequences” not punishment”. The guys, Grant and T and J, talked about how difficult it was, being taught all their lives to never hit a woman, and how they had to work their way through that to be able to participate in this lifestyle. We all talked about societal pressures and how we have chosen an alternate path in our marriages. I think in general we women talk about all these things more openly and more often than our guys, and it was great for them to have a chance to talk together.
Then there was the ritual gifting of the paddles. I don’t know, but in some circles the implement exchange seems to be the custom. Grant has never felt comfortable with that, and it has thus been avoided, but apparently our friends decided that enough was enough and they were gifting us regardless! The guys were rather sneaky, too, as the gifts were handed from HoH to HoH, bypassing us gals completely! We are now the proud owners of a genuine hand carved and painted boomerang from Australia (very effective on the sit spots I might add!)
and a beautiful African Mahogany paddle also hand carved by our other friend himself (very effective, period… and Grant was quite impressed with it’s ample handle and ease of use!).
Ya know NORMAL people bring a bottle of wine gentlemen!
Also interesting was being with our friends from Australia for a couple of days after the others left. For example, we were riding in the car together and there were ongoing cross conversations between the four of us, and suddenly something was recalled from earlier in the day between the Aussie couple. T lo0oked at his wife and reminded her, “Yeah, you’re in trouble for that!” and my friend responded “No I am not!”. His retort was. “Yes you are!” while Grant and I went on casually between us as if nothing had been said. It is what it is, and that discussion has certainly happened often enough between Grant and I before. It is a bit odd, and yet feels very natural with these good friends to be able to just be ourselves in that way.
This final morning, while our husbands opted to relax by the pool together over their Wall Street Journal and coffee, I took my friend J to Worth Avenue in West Palm Beach. For those of you who might not know, it is the ‘Rodeo Drive’ of the East Coast. Beautiful posh designer shops carried cotton skirts for $1000.00, T-shirts for $350.00, lots of gorgeous jewelry and hand bags and shoes…just fun to look! Then we found a store that specialized “travel jewelry”. Again, for my non jet set readers, copies of top designer styles, in gold plated silver and zircon for a fraction of the price, so that one can travel with it and not be devastated if it is lost. We both found something we liked, and after brief deliberation, J decided to call her husband and ask if she could buy the necklace she wanted. I know with many other girlfriends, it would be a bit of a dilemma to say we needed to call and ask permission! She rang T and asked if he would bring her back down in the afternoon to see the piece. He decided, “No, just go ahead and buy it.” Next I stepped out and called Grant. “Hi! Are you sitting there with T?” “Yeees” “So, I guess you know why I am calling?” “Nope” “Well… I found a necklace I really like too, and I know I am supposed to ask before I buy any jewelry…so, is it ok?” “Yes, go ahead” “Thanks Honey!” When I went back to the counter to make the purchase the sales lady said “That was really nice that you two are so respectful to your husbands! I am sure that made them feel good that you thought to ask!” I answered, “You know, respect can go a long way in a marriage!” I have indeed found that to be true.
I wish we all lived closer. Our friends came from the west coast of Florida, Maine, and Australia to get together. Obviously we can’t meet up often, but it is really wonderful when we do. While Grant and I are on our way home, our Australian friends have gone their own way to see more of our country. We are looking forward to having them to our home in a few weeks. We’ll have to see how well behaved we will decide to be then! J has asked me to take her to a “hooker bar*” and I will have to decide if I will indeed comply with her request to teach her to smoke cigarettes when our guys leave us at home alone! There are stories behind all this…for another time.
*Australian for “Hookah bar”
Power Dynamics
This morning I went out to the barn to let the horses out, and then to do a couple of chores in the pasture, Our little filly who 6 weeks ago was so shy she bolted if you took a step towards her now runs up for a treat, and in fact has become a rather pushy broad of late. She invaded my space, thrusting her muzzle towards me and bumped me when she didn’t get her prize. We used treats to lore her into trusting us, letting her associate people with good things. But it had gotten a bit out of hand and so now we give treats randomly. At times I have a treat in my pocket, other times a pet or just a soft word for her… “good girl!”
Today she came up behind me as I was walking away towards the gate, and bumped me with her head. She is developing bad manners! I turned and snapped “NO! Bad girl!” waved my hands at her, and when she backed off, turned and walked away again. She came up too close behind me again. She has been known to grab my coat with her lips of late, as well. I turned back to her and grabbed her halter and said “OK, let’s go” and clicked at her, a noise I use when encouraging her to walk on a lead rope, something else I have recently introduced in her training. She resisted for a moment, and then reluctantly came along. I only took her 6 or 8 steps and then let her go with a pat. “Good girl! You ARE going to learn who’s in charge here!” and walked to the gate and out. She did not follow me.
The analogies are clear. While I am not a pet to be trained, we all have our pecking orders…all herd animals, all groups, all pairs have a hierarchy. They…we… need that to feel safe and to function well together. Somehow, in our modern society, we have come to regard that as a negative or useless thing in relationships. Maybe that has much to do with the current divorce rate? My marriage did not have the room for us to function well together, let alone have the space to freely express or explore the love, so many good things between us, when there was a constant power struggle being waged. Once we established, through negotiation and agreement, our power dynamic, it left us free to enjoy ourselves together much more. It also left each of us much more energy to devote to our family, our work, ourselves without the burden of ‘whose on top now’ being played out.
One of the things we see in nature among other animals is the pecking order being maintained. If the foal walks up and encroaches on the gelding’s pile of hay, he nips at her, warns her that there will be repercussions. He reminds her that he is the dominant in their little herd. When the foal misbehaved, it was my instinct, without much thought, to take a minute to walk her through the paces of “who’s who”. My taking her halter and leading her reminded her of her place in relation to me, and will in time flow over naturally into her respecting my space, my wishes, following my lead. I will keep her safe and care for her. That’s the deal. One of the things we know with horses, and people, is that if the dominant does not establish authority and maintain it, the submissive will rise to fill the void. It is a fact of nature. Animals seem to need order, and someone or something needs to decide things, and any healthy being will fill a power void that is allowed to linger.
If the dominant horse in the herd becomes old or infirmed and cannot fulfill his role, the next in line will step up. That happens in DD marriages too. I see it in DD couples a lot where if the husband is not naturally dominant, he can get distracted or tired and cease to make an effort. Even without wanting or meaning to, the wife will struggle to maintain any sort of submissive posture in the marriage. If my husband lets me push at him, and does not hold the line of his authority, if he stops paying attention to me, to us, to the order of things in our little herd, I rise to fill the void. Again, I think this is a fact of nature. I know it feels natural to me. Somebody has to be in charge and run things! And if it is not you, then it will have to be me! I just cannot tolerate thinking there is no one at the helm! That is why our maintenance spanking sessions are so important, and why some of the other ‘submission exercises’ we do (or whatever you want to call them) are so vital. Yes, he certainly will take me through some paces at times to remind me of my place, should that be necessary. However, like we will do with the foal, there are things we practice in terms of his dominance and my submission that are quite effective of reminding us both of our roles. It is helpful to be mindful of where we stand with each other, and the regular practice helps us to remember and to keep us in a proper frame of mind.
This spring we will be teaching the foal to walk on a lead line, to step aside if I put pressure on her side, working up to running on a lunge line. These exercises will help with handling her, because she needs to know how to walk on a lead to bring her places at times, or to move over without fuss if I need to put hay in her stall. Overall, she needs to know who’s who…so that we can have a peaceful and rewarding relationship.
And really, it occurs to me that we, Grant and I, are just like that too. So many people drift through their marriages unaware of their power dynamic, with no conscious agreements. But for sure, being of the animal kingdom, there are still unspoken agreements that have never been acknowledged or sorted through or developed with active consent. I don’t follow Grant because he will punish me if I don’t. I follow because we agreed that the arrangement will work best for us as a couple. Because I respect him, believe that this arrangement works best for us, and then because I need to know he has something to back up the authority I granted him, we do use punishment as well. The spanking was in fact asked for. Many couples, I guess most, use spanking as a sexual activity. We decided to incorporate it into our power dynamic as we decided together that we wanted a Domestic Discipline arrangement. Interestingly, the past 3 plus years since incorporating DD have been the most peaceful and rewarding of our almost 29 yrs together. I feel stronger as an individual, more self assured and capable than I ever have in my life. And it all comes back to knowing that my place with him is secure, and that we are solid together.
Spanking ~n~ Stuff
I can’t seem to get it together to write a post. I am so busy…and distracted too, but have all kind of things I am thinking about in my head all the time, especially on those long and frequent drives to work in the city, that never actually make it to the page. Sigh.
Here’s just a small piece of that: I’ve been thinking about how we make it work when I/we are so busy and distracted. Grant is too, btw, as this is a time of year when work really revs up for him. How do we keep the DD, the spanking, the D/s energy alive? I really do believe that it is something that needs to be regularly fed. At least for me it is. Grant has no trouble being dominant 24/7…he just is. I, however, do have trouble with my part of this arrangement upon occasion, if I have not been reminded of who’s who. Huh, imagine that! 
And that is who I am 24/7 too…a gal who can swing either way, into compliant and easy going or bossy and not necessarily compliant. I don’t like being that way at home, really, and it certainly doesn’t work for us in our relationship. Two cooks in the kitchen and all that…but we are both pretty good cooks when it comes down to it…and so for us, it works better if there is an agreement as to who’s recipe we are following for the dish we are cooking up. And I know Grant is always focused on the care and feeding of ME, so that helps a lot!
Anyway, so what do we do? Well…I would like to say we keep up with the twice a week maintenance spankings, no matter what. We try really, really hard. We think of those dates as a true necessity, and while the exact timing may vary, they are attended to like meals and school or work meetings. We prioritize. Even so, things happen. The other night we were scheduled and 15 minutes before my time to appear in the bedroom, our son came into the kitchen asking me to make him a late supper. I could have said no….but ya know…I AM a mom. And Grant understands and the 30 minute delay was no big deal.
And then, in truth, there are times we waylay ourselves. In the past month I would say those implements have been laid out on the bed, and then been returned unused to their case, more times than ever. One time we both got ready, he the implements, me myself, we met in the bedroom, he looked at me as he wrapped his arms around me and said, “Are you as tired as I am?” I wonder if it was the circles under my eyes that gave me away? So much for kink! We snuggled in bed with each other and our books, and fell quickly asleep instead!
We have also made love next to unused implements more times than ever this month. I don’t know why, really, but I have no complaints! A few nights ago, I was relaxed on the bed waiting for him to come in. He first laid out all the implements as he always does, while we were chatting, and I guess I was being a bit testy and pouty all at the same time…just a little. He had kept me waiting (tsk) and I might have been on my way to a mood. But he came over and laid down next to me, and with a caress said “Honey, are you ready for your beating?” Yes, he said exactly that! We’re very weird, I know! (The beating word has a history. It started with a friend who called her maintenance spanking a “ritual beating” and I thought it was funny so started that myself…and it was just picked up.) But somehow, maybe when it was when I shook my head ‘no’ with a tease in my eye, he got other ideas, and I was pinned down and other pursuits followed. I do remember some hand spanking, but things went another direction after that. Once again the implements were put away unused. Grant said “I’ve done it again, neglected you! Do you feel neglected?” “Um, no Honey!”
Going with the flow is part of the deal. Not fretting when plans are changed, knowing that I have to be flexible, and remembering to focus on HIS needs as much as mine. The thing is, there are numerous ways to be reminded of who’s who, and spanking is one of them, but not the only one. I am sure I wouldn’t feel my needs being met if the spanking was put off indefinitely, but it isn’t. Grant is very attentive to my needs, and knows spanking is up there with food on my list of requirements for health and happiness. In reality it is not as high up on his list. There is one other activity I can think of that he would choose over food, and happily it does involve me. Taking care of HIM is as essential to me as taking care of me is to him. And as it happens to be my pleasure, that works out pretty well!
The Aussies Are Coming!
I’ve been busy! Between work and kids and pets and spring sprucing, life has been moving fast. I get a bit of Spring fever every year, wanting to fix and redo, and plant and fuss. But this year is special.
Some of the week’s projects have included…
Baskets for the front porch:
A fresh coat of paint for the wicker furniture:
Repotting some ivy:
Recovering the kitchen chairs:
Putting in some new perennials:
Yep, I have some extra incentive. You see, the Aussies are coming! In fact, as of 12:30 PM EST the Aussies have landed! The story goes back several years.
Grant and I were part of an online DD forum. It is one that more or less caters to newbies and we outgrew it some time ago, but we still have a few wonderful friends we made who we keep up with. It is a real connection when you make friends who share an interest in a lifestyle choice, but when you can add to that liking each other, having other interests in common, and then enjoying each other’s company to boot…well it’s just special. Mostly us gals keep closely in touch, but we are very lucky to have met a few couples with whom we socialize occasionally too . There are geographical boundaries, but where there is a will there is a way!
Almost 2 years ago we went to Australia to meet such a couple. It was a fantastic trip, and they promised to return the favor as soon as they could. I can hardly believe it has happened, but they called me today to say they are in Los Angeles! Well, ehem, actually my friend texted me at 2 am to say she was getting on the plane after a layover in Auckland, but I won’t mention that slight faux pas! Those Aussies tend towards upside down and backwards…a rather confused bunch, but very enjoyable just the same! So, they will wind their way through some of our states and eventually make their way to us. We expect them to stay with us for a good number of weeks, using our place as a home base for their excursions.
I am sure it will be interesting, as being with another DD couple always proves to be. It’s just really different. Comfortable, and yet…they know and you know, and you both SEE things in the interactions. We are pretty discreet as are all of the friends we spend time with. No swapping, public spanking, not even much discussion…we’re simply very private and traditional some might say…and yet, it’s there, for those that have the eyes to see.
So, the house is getting spruced because we are having company, and I am betting that will lead to some pretty interesting tales to tell.
