Advice on Beginning DD
I have been reading your blog for several months now, and it has really helped my husband and I decide to give the D.D lifestyle a chance. Some of the websites and blogs are…scary.
I really relate to you on many levels. I too am the big boss at work, a mom etc.
I was wondering if you could maybe give some “starter” advice. Some road bumps you hit, that maybe we could avoid.
I would really appreciate it.
Dear Reader…I’ll try. One of the reasons I started my blog was that there are indeed some pretty “scary” sites out there, and there are also sane and healthy DDers too…really! Knowing that you can be a bright, normal, high functioning, mom and wife, and a professional working woman, and need and want a DD marriage took me some time to work through. I hope reading here has made that a bit easier for you to come to terms with. The balancing act can take time to sort out, but it is do-able, and for me has been very rewarding and fulfilling. My marriage has never been better, my career never more successful, and I have never before felt so personally whole.
Some random thoughts and suggestions:
1. Know it will take a year to get your feet under you and maybe a couple of years for this lifestyle to feel ‘natural’. Most of us have been taught to prioritize equality, fairness, and self satisfaction over a sound and peaceful marital union. Changing your perspective is a process. Learning to incorporate discipline (usually spanking) and submission to his authority takes time to come to terms with, especially in the emotional arena. Be patient!
2. Read blogs and stories and perhaps cruise forums, but know that in the end your relationship will be unique to you. You and your husband will develop your own ideas, rules, routines…what works for you. Go with what feels right to you, regardless of what others might be doing.
3. You will likely grow at a different rate than your husband. Most of us read everything and our husbands not so much. We may struggle in the beginning with feeling like we need to lead them to lead. Keep communicating what you are thinking, reading about, wanting, but give him time to develop his pace and style. In the end this cannot be all about you. :) To work long term it has to be about the both of you, the marriage.
4. Keep it simple. Complicated routines and rules can easily become overwhelming and unrealistic for a long term lifestyle. Talk about what is really important to the two of you regarding things you want to change or achieve in your marriage, and pick one or two things to start with.
5. Honesty is the cornerstone of any sound relationship. With DD it is essential. Work to be honest with yourself and then your partner about what you think, feel, need. That will take you on a journey of developing mutual trust and respect. The more you do, the deeper the connection.
6. Forgive yourself and each other your mistakes and your human frailties. DD is not about being perfect. It is about making a commitment to yourself and your partner to be the best person you can be, and to make the relationship the best it can be. In the end it is all about the love between you and creating the quality of relationship that can support that love.
I wish you the best and would love to hear how things are going!
Sara
JMD said,
May 20, 2009 at 9:49 am
Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are new to the lifestyle and trying to figure things out. I found this post very grounding.
Thank you very much for taking the time out of what seems like a very hectic time in your life to share your thoughts!
Best,
JMD
Amber said,
May 20, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Wow great advice! Good job, Sara!
And I hope things settle down for you soon in the legal battle. So stressful, hope it’s over soon.
Shelling said,
May 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Thank you so much for the time to answer the question. Great advice. Especially the “leading him to lead” part.
Your blog really is helpful.
Florida Dom said,
May 20, 2009 at 9:40 pm
As usual, Sara did a very good job of explaining things, particularly the comment of finding out what works for you. Remember, each couple and relationship are different. It’s easy to think there’s some formula to follow. There isn’t. Go with what feels right for you. And the keep it simple comment was excellent, too. Real life, especially if you have kids, will make it more difficult if you get too complicated. And last but not least, experiment to find what’s right for you and enjoy the journey. And communcate. Let each other know what you want.
Grant said,
May 20, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Dear All,
The only advice that I can offer at this time is that consistency and commitment to the lifestyle is essential to success. If men do not take the lead in making sure that the rules and promises are kept, it will go south very quickly. What I mean is that men, your actions will speak louder when you take the necessary action whether you feel like it or not. Even when you are tired, worn out, agitated or roiled by work-related or personal events, you must cut through all of it and look at your spouse or partner and find out what she needs in the moment. You must demand more of yourself then anyone else in your family. Yes, I know you realize this, but leaders have to go farther then they expect their charges can go.
Also, I recommend a consistent and regular maintenance ritual. I say ritual because you will find the spiritual and physical processes will merge as you express your commitment and regulate your innate powers of Masculinity and Femininity.
In recent years, many people have been fed a false premise that man and woman are the same. They are not the same. Masculinity and Femininity are two co-existing essences that can only manifest their greatest power for joy and security, peace and harmony when recognized as different. When people try to force sameness, it always ends in arguments, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings that seem incomprehensible. However, when looked at within True Male-Female Dynamics, all those behaviors become understandable.
We must admit that modern thought regarding Male-Female relationships are not based on ancient wisdom that carried humankind successfully through the most harsh and dangerous periods of development of societies. We have to take another look and see that traditional roles were not the product political discourses, but evolved naturally and organically from the True Male-Female Dynamics of Masculinity and Femininity.
Regarding this important dynamic with respect is essential to success in a relationship with one you love. Respecting the essence of your partner and ritualizing that respect through a Power-Exchange with spanking or other activities (non-abusive) on a regular basis will keep your relationship balanced.
I hope these thoughts give some insight.
The Best,
Grant
ginger said,
May 21, 2009 at 10:40 am
I had a similar question come to me in email, and I haven’t had a chance to sit and write about it. Perhaps when I post the question from the reader, I’ll link to this post!! (is that ok?) I’ll take the lazy way out!! LOL
g.
Sara said,
May 22, 2009 at 10:23 am
JMD, I am so glad you found this helpful!
Thanks Amber!
Shelling, you are very welcome! Learning to get out of the way to let him lead is a tough one for some of us (me). I am not very submissive in nature, and it took time for me to learn to shut up, and for him to expect it. We learned together, and still are!
Florida Dom, I think it does eventually become apparent for those of us in a real DD relationship, living in the real world, many of the things we read online are fantasies. It is important to sort that stuff out.
Grant, as always your commitment and determination, your integrity in the relationship, make all the difference. Thank you.
But of course Ginger. I would be honored!