Women Unite!
This weekend my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law stopped by our home for a day and a half on their way north. We are moving Grant’s mother back “home” and this was part of it. I like my sister-in-law. She is a nice person, and fun, if a bit ditsy. She’s about 4 yrs older than me, so mid 50s, several times divorced. It will be an interesting summer because the in laws will be around a lot. They will stay at the Ranch until we have his mother and sister resettled. Closeness is a mixed bag with extended family, but I am optimistic. I am sure we’ll have our moments though.
A preview of things to come occurred while sitting around our kitchen table on Saturday afternoon. It was just us girls, as Grant and our kids are already at the Ranch. My sister-in-law doesn’t see well at night and gets lost when driving quite often. I told her “Grant says he doesn’t want you to leave today. He wants you to wait until morning.” She retorted, “Well, he isn’t telling me what to do.” I reminded her that he is just concerned for her safety and then I resorted to adding “And he told me I was not to let you leave!” She said she would agree to stay the night, but only because she was tired.
There was a pause before she turned to me and asked, “Does my brother try to tell you what to do?” Uh oh. I answered in a light manner, “Well, you know Grant. He tells everyone what to do!” Undeterred she continued…half kidding, half ready to get riled, “Yeah, I know. But does he try to tell you what to do?” I smiled and said “He’s your brother! Of course he tells me what to do!” She zeroed in “But you don’t listen right?” I hesitated, “Well…I choose when to listen”. That seemed to satisfy and she let it go. Apparently no sister-in-law of hers is being pushed around!
My answer was an evasion and also technically the truth. I do choose when to listen. I have chosen to ‘listen’ (cooperate, obey…whatever you want to call it) pretty much all of the time, unless I just can’t, and then we deal with that one way or another. She was satisfied, and I would guess gave it not another thought. It started me thinking though. It reminded me of how much my thinking has changed, of where I was and where I am now. It also reminded me of the pressure we women put on each other to not abandon the feminist ideals we were brought up with. Sisters stand strong!
Huh. That used to be pretty important to me. I like women. I understand them and really enjoy their company. My women friends are very important to me, and I value the friendships I have. I know I need them in my life, and nourish the friendships in a way that is separate and apart from the relationship with my husband. Still, for many years I believed what I was taught, that to yield, depend on, submit to a male partner was against the creed of modern womankind, and further, to do so would be letting my foresisters down. So for many years, even while married, I kept myself separate and apart, and my marriage paid the price. I stood strong and independent within the marriage. Frankly, it was pretty lonely. They were wrong and I was wrong. Buying into a relationship with your man is not anti-female, does not diminish my power, my rights, my life. Instead it has enhanced it hugely.
The fact is that my husband does tell me what to do, and yes, I do let him. That is our agreement. I am not bullied, but I am out ranked in authority in our relationship, and with my consent. One of the reasons we keep our arrangement a secret is that it is so disapproved of in today’s western culture. Our power dynamic is associated with women being devalued or even mistreated. The only paradigm most women know is that of oppressed and oppressor. Grant and I are neither of those, but I can understand how the concept does not compute to those who speak the language of our predecessors.
What’s going to happen when my sister-in-law hears her brother tell me what to do this summer, and she sees me do it? I am sure I will get a talking to. I imagine I will hear something like “You need to explain a few things to my brother, like who’s in charge here!”
Will “He is.” be my answer?
A Reader Asks: Am I Crazy For Being Drawn to D/s?
Hello, I wonder if I may ask a question. I am a Christian female who is interested in the D/s lifestyle. I am having a really hard time reconciling this with my faith. To make matters more difficult I am married to an agnostic who finds this all pretty weird. This makes me feel even worse. Am I crazy for being drawn to this ? Are there a lot of us “freaks” out there ?
Stelle
I believe that the D/s or Dd lifestyle, and BDSM activities, are not any more a part of one’s faith that what you choose to eat for breakfast or the colors you prefer to wear. Your faith has to do with your values and spiritual ideas. D/s has to do with your sexuality and how you organize your relationship with your husband. There are many practicing D/s couples who are very spiritual and have strong religious values, There are some who aren’t and don’t. It’s like anywhere else, really.
If you check out the links on the side of my blog there are a few of the many to acquaint yourself with. Then follow their links and you will find lots more. You cannot believe everything you read or take anything at face value. In the end you will have to figure out what you believe, and what will work best for you and your husband. I wish you luck in finding your place, and hope you enjoy the journey!
Sara
Going Nuts
Sooo, when I said in my last post that I hadn’t been doing very well, I meant it. Here’s a tale from the trenches. Sometimes reality blogging is rough!
Last Friday, a week ago, I went nuts. There was a whole conglomeration of stuff that came to a head that day, and it sure wasn’t pretty! I had my period for the 2nd time in 20 days with all of the symptoms, including major PMS. I was trying to organize 3 kids, 3 animals, and ‘stuff’, to leave for the summer. I was blindly careening towards fallout over father’s day as well. I got a phone call from a cousin about coming to the cemetery for a memorial for his mother, and had all sorts of mixed feelings about that. And then Grant had left, moved to our summer place for the next 3 months, Yes I was due to follow, yes I will spend lots of time up there, but we will be apart a lot too, and I don’t like that part of our summers at all.
I was supposed to leave Thursday afternoon but our daughter couldn’t get herself together. I tried to be patient, understanding, flexible. Ok, so we’ll go Friday morning. No big deal. She wasn’t ready Friday either. In fact the kids stayed up watching movies together practically all night Thursday night and no one was getting out of bed Friday morning. I was not happy. I got myself together, ran into work for an hour…why not? …and came back to the house still silent, at close to 11 am. Now I was upset, and just then Grant called to ‘see how I was’. “Not good, thanks!”
I tend to get worried about everybody and everything and although I was mad at the kids I didn’t want him to be mad at them, or get him upset. I had started to worry that maybe our oldest wouldn’t even make it up there, would balk at the last moment, and since I was leaving earlier with our daughter, and counting on him to bring the youngest, what If I got there and the boys didn’t come? And it was father’s day, and Grant would be hurt, but I didn’t want him to think there was a problem, because maybe it was really ok…and on and on.
So he called. He was not in his happy place either. He had all sorts of people working there and had run out of coffee. He needs his morning coffee! He was tense and a brusk, and I told him to just go get his darn coffee, and he argued that he couldn’t, and somehow one thing led to another…really no clue what was said, and it wasn’t even an argument…really it wasn’t! But I do remember being agitated, and all of the sudden I hear “OK Matt, put it over there.” And he turns back to the phone and says, “You are getting punished!” Huh???And how can so many different thoughts run through one’s mind all at the same time?
Instantly and simultaneously I thought:
“What the heck is THAT about?”
“I cannot BELEIVE you said that in front of your worker!”
“OMG Matt is the guy who’s working there this whole summer!”
“I am soooo embarrassed”
“There is NO FRICKEN way!”
“You are such a %*^#!”
And finally “NO!” just “NO!”
Those were the thoughts. What came out of my mouth was bad enough:
“That ‘s Bull Shit! I am getting off the phone!” He said “Fine.” and I did.
I was nuts. How could he do that to me? Say that? He’s going to punish me…and for what? At a time like this? And in front of someone? I’m done…in fact, I am not going! Not now, not ever. I will never go up there again, and certainly not when ‘Matt” is there…and I’ll be damned if I am submitting to any spanking!
I dunno…is it only me who goes through these mental gyrations? Actually, I know it’s not, because close DD friends tell me about their insane moments. We bloggers just don’t often admit them out loud. It’s embarrassing, ya know?
I pulled out my laptop and emailed Grant that I was not coming. It was noon and no one was yet awake. I took a mild sedative, turned off my cell, and cried myself to sleep. I never take drugs like that in the middle of the day, I don’t talk to Grant like that, and truthfully, I still didn’t even know exactly what happened. What I had said? I only know on my part it was a meltdown wrought from hormones and stress. I was over the top, nothing left, and the only option was getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head!
When I woke up it was to my cell vibrating and it was Grant. I was drowsy and momentarily forgot to be mad. He was concerned and sympathetic and kind, and so I just told him that I took something and slept, and I was better and would get coffee and get on the road. I also said I was so upset he said what he did in front of Matt. He said “Honey, first of all it wasn’t Matt it was Mark, who is part of a temp lawn crew, 2nd he had left the building, and 3rd, I would NEVER say that in front of anyone!” It sure didn’t sound that way to me at the time…but I know he wouldn’t lie to me. To my surprise he wasn’t even angry, especially given that he had called 4 times and left multiple emails. Normally he would be very upset and I would be in trouble for that alone, if for nothing else! It’s hard to understand the male mind at times!
Our emails, over several hours with my nap in between, went like this:
S: “You’re getting punished for this” ???
IN FRONT OF MATT…and don’t try to deny it because you said
“Thanks Matt”…and then turned and said that to me.
I am not coming.
G: You cannot refuse to come up here.
Please get back to me.
Love, G
S: I am coming. I didn’t even unpack. I got in bed, cried a little and slept.
I am overemotional, have my period twice in a month, feel sad about my
Dad, the kids, don’t like transitions, and then you yelled at me and I don’t
even understand why.
J is up and we will leave shortly.
G: I love you… take it easy…
Love G
Half way there I remembered the punishment promise and texted:
We’re on our way. Am I still in trouble? Explain pls?
G texted back:
No, it was an emotional response and you are having an understandably difficult time
Love G
So what was all that? Maybe it’s called a relationship in real life? When I got there, we talked just a bit before sleep. I asked him why and what. He said we didn’t need to discuss it, to just let it go. I am guessing I was emotionally spiraling and he heard it, and perhaps he over reacted? I know I sure did. But there are reasons and real life stresses, and while I can’t say this never happens, for neither of us is it very common anymore.
As a side note, I do think women going through menopause should get special exemptions, and the men who live with them might deserve medals of valor!
Switching Roles
Did that grab anyone’s attention? Any of you who have read here for any amount of time know that just ain’t happening around here…not now and not ever. No, Grant has zero interest in switching, and for that matter, neither do I, at least not at home. I do switch roles almost every day though, from follower to leader when I leave my house, and back again when I return. That transition used to be a challenge, but as I have come into my own within the shelter of our relationship, it feels very natural and almost seamless most of the time. Mostly the switch is pretty smooth, but sometimes I can still feel the gears shifting. Mostly it is enriching and I truly enjoy being all of me, comfortable in my varied roles.
This is a really busy time of year for us. Spring takes Grant out of town a lot, the kids are finishing up school and such, and then the grand exodus to “the Ranch”. That event takes place tomorrow with us moving our three young adult children (16-22) and their stuff, 2 dogs, a cat and 2 horses, and their stuff, 300 miles, up to the mountains for the summer. We’ve done it for years, and I should be used to it, but in truth I have a bit of travel anxiety, and the kids are all about last minute, and no one seems organized in the least, and “Chill Mom!” is all I get when I nag!
Then there is the fact that I am hormonally challenged this week, and Grant has been away a lot, and I feel neglected. I am not in factneglected, and the thought is not reasonable, but I feel it just the same. I’m edgy and pouty and vaguely dissatisfied, and although I know it is not fair, at least some of me almost doesn’t care! The other part strains to act like a grown up with only moderate success. And then, I am teary on top of it. This weekend is father’s day. My father is gone, and the one year anniversary of that death is 2 weeks away. I miss him and am so sad, still, at the loss. My father is gone….
So, although he was only home 2 nights, L Grant was determined to get in a maintenance spanking. He told me to be available at 8 last night and I gave him a hard time. “I really don’t want to.” “I just don’t feel like it.” “I’m put out with you.” Blah, blah, He knew. His response was a hug and a calm but steady, “I know, but we’re doing this anyway. Go get ready.” And I am really grateful for his focus and determination. The man is steady!
So…I did get ready…not happy but ready….and just then the kids set themselves up in a long board game on the dining room table, virtually right outside our bedroom door. I was so tired already, and by 9:30 it was clear there would be no spanking. Grant questioned me on my morning schedule. He was planning on driving himself back to the Ranch early this morning, while I and the kids follow tomorrow. I know my husband and exactly what he was asking, even though we spoke in code right in front of the kids. “I have an 8:30 – 10:00 meeting at the County Offices.” “Can you be back right after that?” “Then I have to go into work, but can go later. I could come back here…” “I will wait until you get back.” Translated this means: “Go to your meeting and come back for your spanking…then we will both go on with our days.” In some ways it felt a tad contrived, over planned, unromantic…but married life gets that way sometimes, especially when you put jobs and kids in the mix, and so we do the best we can. He knew what I needed and that an unattended to wife is not a happy camper in the long term, regardless of what she says she “wants” in the moment!
Thus it was that I donned a nice suit and heels and went and did my CEO gig with some important people, and then several hours later went home at my husband’s insistence. Once there I had 10 minutes to present myself and within another 5 found myself naked over his lap being soundly paddled. I didn’t make it easy on either of us. I wasn’t awful (he wouldn’t let me get away with that) but I was not my most cooperative self. I sort of feel badly when I get like that, but then the truth is sometimes I just need to be a bit resistant and be put back in my place. I need to feel that, and Grant seems comfortable enough with the dance, when that number happens to be played. Played it was and I can still feel the beat when I sit!
After a pretty intense spanking and an hour’s nap, we both went our separate ways. He packed his car and drove north, and I grabbed my suit from the heap on the floor and went back to my office. I sat a bit tenderly issuing those executive orders this afternoon, but when I switch back to work mode, that’s my job.
A DD Question – Should a Dominant Respect His Submissive?
This started as a response to a DD question, one on dominant men and what respect they owe their submissive, but took me elsewhere entirely. It made me think about Domestic Discipline and abuse, and where I firmly believe the lines must be drawn
Sara,
You wrote, “it occurred to me to stand in the corner. I should explain that here ‘corner time’ is not something we have used for punishment. That was Grant’s decision a long time ago, because he did not feel comfortable with it. As you negotiate your way through possibilities, both partners will come across hard lines, things they have a personal discomfort with. This is one for him, and we are of the opinion that those sorts of boundaries need to be respected.”
My question is, does this go both ways? I am not speaking of basic spanking and spanking implements. If a couple is in a power exchange relationship that has a disciplinary component there has to be ’something’ that serves as the punishment process. I mean requirements or activities that are seen by you as offensive, disrespected or demeaned.
There is the component of consensual non-consent, however, if a person feels that a particular activity is disturbing does the dominant partner have a responsibility to accommodate and respect those feelings? Do you have the ability to refuse specific disciplinary activities, not punishment/disciplinary events, activities or are you compelled to submit to all activities as he decides?
Pretty
From Grant: I never would do anything to demean, disrespect or offend Sara. Now, are there things I require that she does not like to do? Yes. For instance, cleaning up her many piles of paper that make me feel like our home is out of control. Of course when you live with other people it is not only courtesy, but essential to compatibility that you do not allow your “things” to dominate the household. Other requirements aside from health and safety items might be for Sara to dress well (not all the time) but I simply do not like unkempt.
“There is the component of consensual non-consent, however, if a person feels that a particular activity is disturbing does the dominant partner have a responsibility to accommodate and respect those feelings?”
Yes, I feel the Dominant partner has an obligation to accommodate and respect those feelings. I will insist on certain things, as long as I do not feel it would be demeaning, disrespectful or offensive to Sara.“Do you have the ability to refuse specific disciplinary activities, not punishment/disciplinary events, activities or are you compelled to submit to all activities as he decides?”
Sara is compelled to submit to all activities I decide for her. However, remember that I will never require her to be disrespected, demeaned or offended. I would never ask her to do things that I know would hurt her. The Dominant partner must hold his submissive partner in the utmost respect and love. Never should they forget their precious responsibility to keep the TRUST that is given them.
G.
I am going to add my two cents here. Every person, and every couple, defines what would be offensive or demeaning differently. There are people who are aroused by the idea of humiliation. Being called “slut” or being publically embarrassed is part of their fantasy life. They then might incorporate some aspect of that into their dynamic, and they are happy with that. I feel each couple must do what works for them…for BOTH of them.
There is a difference between being compelled or pushed towards a boundary that feel frightening or difficult., and one that is abhorant and distrubing. That is one of many reasons why the dominat has to know his submissive very well, and why the submissive needs to believe she can trust him. We don’t even have a safe word, and never have. He KNOWS me, reads me, watches me and hears me. I also know I could put a stop to anything at any time. I never would abuse that, go back on my word to him, and thus he knows 100% if I called a halt to something I would have to be in true distress. My submission is expected, required, and still, of my free will, consented to at once. If it were taken and not given, it would not be much of a gift, would it?
On the other hand, there are sites like Loving Domestic Discipline which have gone way off into left field. I have kept the link because there is a lot of good information, particularly in the earlier writings. However, Mr. LDD now advocates, in his Advanced LDD book, tying your wife to a tree and urinating on her as a means to humiliate her and help her find her submissive self. That’s just a load of garbage. If you happen to be into that sort of kink, like Mr. LDD is, go for it. However, that has nothing to do with Loving Domestic Discipline, but rather with urine play. Similarly, there is a Christian Domestic Discipline forum recently advocating the disregard of consent after marriage, proclaiming that once consent is given, the wife has no say, no right to refuse anything her husband decides to do to her, and frankly, that’s called abuse in any religion. WWJD…beat his wife against her will? Humilate her in front of others? Treat her in a way that made her feel degraded? Hmmm….Nah! I think not.
It concerns me highly that the idea of DD can be used as a vehicle to attempt to legitimize the abusive treatment of women. If the Loving part of Domestic Discipline does not override all other aspects of the relationship, then there is no place for DD there at all.
“If a couple is in a power exchange relationship that has a disciplinary component there has to be ’something’ that serves as the punishment process. I mean requirements or activities that are seen by you as offensive, disrespected or demeaned.”
No. Actually, none of those things occur, even as part of the punishment process. I have been humbled, but never humiliated. I have been spanked, but never disrespected or demeaned. In fact, Grant is very careful to say and show me that he values and respects me. He never punishes in anger, and my emotional well being is always carefully considered. I think, actually, if a woman ‘needs’ to be severely punished, or even punished often, there is something very wrong; something in the relationship, or in the individual. The truth is that punishment does not effect change. Attitude effects change. Punishment works for me as a reminder of what I need to address, and allows us to process issues between us in our marriage. Unless I have made a decision to cooperate, no amount of spanking will move me. My husband has never tried to frighten or intimidate me, but rather to affect a process that brings us together and allows us to work through conflicts.
The reality of my life is that my husband treats me wonderfully. In small ways he is attentive and protective and romantic. In larger ways he cares for my happiness, along with my emotional and physical well being with great focus. He sincerely respects me. Neither my husband nor I think that he is the leader in our marriage is because he is smarter, nor because he is a better person, more capable or even right more often. We don’t even believe our arrangement is decreed by God. We live this way because it makes sense to us, and it has worked to create a more peaceful and loving marriage. I do serve him, and he serves me as well. We are equal in value while unequal in power. I cannot imagine submitting to a man who did not hold me in such esteem. I beleive I deserve that from him! Every woman should hold herself in enough high enough esteem that she should expect respect and kindness from her man.
When I look at my own life, and when I look at others on forums and blogs, I ultimately measure things by the general wellbeing of the individuals in the relationship. For the woman I ask, does she feel valued, respected, loved and cherished? Is her life enhanced? Is she becoming more self confident over time? Is her self-respect increasing? Is she growing as a person and a wife? Can she say NO and be heard if she needs to? If the answer to all those things is not YES, then the Domestic Discipline at best is flawed and at worst is abusive.
Keeping it Real – Less Than Stellar Spankings
In my last post I shared a really special D/s moment, but ya know, when TTWD (This Thing We Do) is part of real life, it covers the good the bad and the ugly. I think it’s important to share all of it, to be truthful about what it is, what it takes, to make a DD marriage work. To that end, I want to tell you about my Wednesday and Thursday of last week….
Sometimes Maintenance Spanking is just a pain in the butt…and I do mean figuratively. Sometimes I don’t feel like it, I am stressed, I am irritated, I am tired…whatever the case may be. I am blessed to have a husband who takes his commitments very seriously and is gifted in the department of consistency. Once he understood the benefits of incorporating this ritual into our lives, he decided to attend to it like any other serious commitment. Thus, unless one of us is sick, or too tired to stand, it happens. I appreciate that…I really do. I believe taking that time for us and our relationship, the ritual of reestablishing our dominant and submissive roles, twice a week every week, has had a huge positive impact on our marriage. I also know there are still times when it is just the last thing I ‘feel’ like doing!
Wednesday was a long day for both of us. I work in the city, an hour away on Wednesdays, and Grant has a 4 weeks seminar he is teaching, and we both got home close to 8 PM. I was beyond exhausted and would have asked to postpone, but for the fact that Grant was leaving in the morning for a business trip and would be gone for the next 5 days. He just doesn’t leave without spanking me!
So spank me he did, except it was one of those where we were both tired, and as things heated up, somehow we started going over ‘stuff’ that needed to be done, things I needed to tell him… a pre-trip discussion…DURING the spanking. I hate when that happens. So my mind was really not in the ‘right’ place when it suddenly popped into my head that I needed to tell him we were down to the last bale of hay for the horses. He needed to order a delivery before he left. He was annoyed. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”(I don’t know!) “Why didn’t our daughter take care of it?” (She’s been away for a week!) “They probably won’t be able to deliver and I will be delayed because I have to go pick up the hay in the morning!” (No, I will deal with it!) He was annoyed, and I got annoyed that he was annoyed, and we went back and forth…finally he was annoyed that I was annoyed that he was annoyed…and by that time, as he was spanking pretty hard he reminded me that I might not want to be arguing with the man with the paddle! This is very true, but it also makes me mad…makes me want to make a point of resisting…showing him that I am NOT going to be intimidated by that paddle, and when I am right I am right! I have argued that point and lost in the past…it truly is not a bright thing to do, but sometimes we gals need to take a stand! Why? I have no idea…because, that’s why! I then fell into silence as I contemplated how big a spanking I really wanted to push for and whether it was worth it. Yep, I really do think like that sometimes! Then…I realized I was just too tired for this, and he was being ridiculous, probably because he was tired too, and I said “You know, this is really dumb that we are arguing about the hay right now!” Whack, whack… “yeah, you’re right”. We got it done and went to bed. No great D/s moment, just a routine spanking and much needed sleep…and sometimes folks, that’s all there is!
Thursday morning I decided to sleep in and go into work a bit later. At 9:15 am our fire alarm system went off. Turns out the phone company was working on the lines and triggered it, but we didn’t know that at the time. We ran out of the bedroom, the boys ran down the stairs, everyone sleepy, confused and trying to figure out what was happening. The siren screamed for 20 minutes while I found my glasses, tried to disable it, and realized I don’t know the code! I also, as it turns out, forgot the secret password. We had the thing installed 4 years ago and never use it. The conversation was one of these:
“Sara turn it off! What’s the passcode?
“I don’t know the passcode!”
“How can you not know the passcode?”
“Well…I forget! Do YOU know the passcode?”
“I wrote it in the file when I had the guys here a few months ago. Where’s that file?”
“What file?”
“The file!! “You know…where I wrote all the information!”
“Grant, I don’t l know where your file is and I wasn’t here when those guys came!”
“You must have moved it, because it was right there!”
“OMG!” Sara walks out of kitchen in exasperation….
The siren is still screaming and now there is a loud voice commanding us to “Vacate all rooms! Vacate all rooms! Vacate…”
Sigh, and I had not even had one cup of coffee yet! Long story short, we had no code, could not locate the file as it was moved when the kitchen was painted last month, and no one remembered the password either. That meant that when the alert company called they could not NOT call the fire department, (because I didn’t know my secret password) and we had to talk to the police and the fire department in pajamas before the morning coffee. It was a really rough start to the day!
So what does this have to do with DD? Not much, but somehow it resulted in me having to spend time this Saturday morning sorting through the two piles of ‘important’ papers in the kitchen and organizing things. This was, to my irritation, one of the tasks Grant left me with when he took off later that day. It included mutterings about “Your piles of paper” and “I want them all gone” and “If there’s anything left on these counters when I get back it’s going right into the trash!”
Tsk. Well, if I was not the kind of “submissive” 
wife I am, I would point out that now that the papers are sorted and gone, I know that a quarter of them were his! The rest were split between me and the kids, and nowhere in any of them was a file with a passcode or instructions. And…so what! It needed to be done, clutter makes him edgy, and it ended up that he put it on my plate. If only all our differences were so easily resolved, hmm? I don’t much like organizing things, but then I remind myself that he does many things that he doesn’t care to do either, and whomever’s clutter it was, it needed to be gone. Dr Phil is quoted as asking “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”
It’s a question I have learned to ask myself often. Happy wins hands down for me!
A Lesson in Ying and Yang – My Light bulb Moment
This happened last week. I wrote about it and asked Grant to add his thoughts…..
Sara:
One of the benefits of this journey into relationship management we undertook, better known as Domestic Discipline, is the relationship development that came out of that. The part that was less expected was the personal growth that DD would facilitate. It makes perfect sense, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know when we began.
Grant and I had a really wonderful week together and found ourselves with numerous opportunities for some very connected intimate time. One evening, just for “play” he asked (told) me to be in the bedroom at 8 PM. There was no specific agenda or instructions, and so while I waited for him I sort of organized the room a bit, lit a candle, undressed…and waited. I didn’t want to just sit in the bed, paced, considered what to do with myself, and then it occurred to me to stand in the corner. I should explain that here ‘corner time’ is not something we have used for punishment. That was Grant’s decision a long time ago, because he did not feel comfortable with it. As you negotiate your way through possibilities, both partners will come across hard lines, things they have a personal discomfort with. This is one for him, and we are of the opinion that those sorts of boundaries need to be respected. But, we have used it more as an erotic/disciplinary tool.
So, as I considered, and then put myself in the corner…first time ever for that…it did occur to me that it was more or less for both of us. I felt a need to perhaps get a bit quieted and focused…for him, and hoped to please him, as well. He was pleased…very. I asked him how it made him feel, and his answer truly moved me: “Valued. I feel valued.” I was so moved, and felt that an inner door was creaking open inside me. Does anyone else get that feeling when you suddenly feel a key turn, and you don’t know what the door leads to yet, what it will mean…but you hear and feel the click of the lock?
I took me a couple of days to mull it over. Finally, I was ready to discuss it. I had not asked or talked about it at all with Grant…it was too new, important, and I wanted time to consider what had happened. When I did I bring the moment up, I asked him how it felt, what about it made him feel “valued” and also told him how moved I was that I could inspire those feelings in him. He explained that the gesture of putting myself in such a submissive posture, unasked, made him feel “valued”, that it demonstrated to him that he was worth that to me.
And then the light bulb came on:
“So do you mean that when I give you my submission, unrequested or demanded it makes you feel good…”valued”?
“Oh, absolutely!”
“It feels different than when you tell me to do it?”
“Yes, it feels more like a true gift, freely offered.”
“OK, so something just occurred to me. You know how I have told you that if I need to ‘feel’ your dominance, and I ask for it, it’s OK , but somehow less satisfying than when it is given without me having to ask? Is it like that…more powerful when I can anticipate what you might need or want and offer it without you having to ask?”
“Totally! When I direct you to do something and you do it, whether it is a task or an act of submission, I am pleased. When you anticipate my wishes or needs unspoken, and give me that unbidden, I feel understood and matched, completed. I feel like we are deeply connected and the intimacy between us is even more deeply satisfying.”
Wow. Who would have thought our men have those kinds of feelings and needs? Well duh!!!! But we don’t talk about that much. I don’t read about it on blogs. Some of that is that mostly women write on blogs, and perhaps some of that is that men don’t tend to focus on the emotional, let alone verbalize it very often. Maybe some of it is that I have been so wrapped up in my needs and feelings that I have been less aware of how this lifestyle has impacted my husband. I have seen him flourish as I have. He is happier, more fulfilled, both at home and at work. He is gentler and kinder and more loving towards me than he ever was before. He is more confident with me, with himself, and in his life.
It is so satisfying to me to know that I have something to offer him that is important in this dynamic. It’s also amazing to realize the tremendous power I have in our relationship, through my submission!
Grant:
When a man is responded to in a positive way, it is that same emotional response that many women have, however different it might be in the outward signs. If a man feels valued, he will respond more positively to those who he perceives value him. This is true of all people, male or female.
However, in DD, when a man sees his wishes adhered to without coaxing, pushing or requesting, aside from the affirmation of power and dominance, the feeling of “completeness” and “wholeness” comes into play. Much like a symphony conductor who has to stop his great musical work to instruct the cellist who keeps hitting the wrong note unless re-directed, so too does the male “conductor” feel a sense of “interruption” of a great work when he constantly has to remind his mate about their dynamic in the relationship.
This is not to say that regular reminding is all bad. If a man does spend his time re-establishing his dominance over his woman, that means he cares enough about the relationship to work at it. Yet, at some point, the woman must find a way to become the “submissive spirit of her femininity in all it’s glorious privilege”. (Yes, I quote myself from a private journal.)
What I mean by that statement is that I believe Femininity is really a great and divine aspiration that, when coupled with the spirit of Masculinity, logically and ideally becomes a powerful and fulfilling entity that unites two human souls. Only through physical and emotional avenues in concert can spiritual realms be travelled.
Physical submission, using spanking or other methods, are a good start to find the most elusive desire of most women (and some men) in this modern world. Although these processes are often sneered at by “Feminists”, numerous references to them are found in many of our ancient writings, including the Bible and many other religious texts. The advantage of physical (and emotional) boundaries creating psychological well being is evidenced in countless documents by psychologists, anthropologists, and other researchers.
Emotional submission logically follows Physical submission. If, within physical boundaries, a woman can feel safe, secure, cared for, loved and responded to on a consistent basis, she can then submit with confidence trusting that her true feminine nature will be protected and allowed to suspend defenses and resistance in order to fulfill its most powerful and satisfying goal: a peaceful and effortless state of contentment where nothing can harm her or disturb her spiritual lightness.
For both Masculine and Feminine essence to fulfill their vast potential for fulfillment, they are intrinsically linked for success or failure. If the perceptions related to political considerations remain the focal point for male/female relationships, those relationships will ultimately fail.
I believe it is only in the interpersonal realm that this promise of fulfillment be achieved.
A DD Question – Reasons for Spanking
EJH asks: What are the main reasons in a DD relationship to be spanked for besides disrespect and disobedience? I’ve been researching this…really like what DD has to offer. My husband has been reading up on it too.
Hi EJH,
I guess every relationship is a little different, and the reasons for punishment spanking vary with each couple. I can only tell you what we have found works for us.
In general, we implemented DD because we wanted to structure our marriage in a way that would better facilitate our happiness. We needed to find peace and contentment together, a way to live with less strife, and this meant several things. First, we needed to decide who the leader was. We had been married about 20 yrs at the time, and we both were the leaders. Try doing that on the dance floor sometime. There was lots of stumbling, and occasional mashed toes too. We loved each other, hut we were not in harmony. We took a vote, and as we both voted for Grant to be the leader. He was unanimously elected.
Once we established our loving dictatorship, by election, we needed rules. Grant set his terms first thing. The only unilateral decree he made, and required that I agree to, was that that my health and safety were non-negotiable issues… his decision, no arguments. I blithely agreed having no clue what I had let myself in for…but that’s a different story!
Over many months, the things we came to were as follows:
1. We discuss everything, but he gets to decide when we cannot agree.
2. Health and safety are non-negotiable
3. We both committed to honor our agreements, so anytime I fail to follow (or he fails to lead) we have broken a promise to each other. In my case, that could be called “disobedience”.
4. We both felt respect, mutual respect, was something that was absolutely necessary to bring our marriage to the level we wanted. Grant, like most men, needs to feel respected. I, like most women, need to feel he deserves and requires that respect. So disrespect is against the rules. He is also careful to be respectful of me.
For us, anything that compromises our relationship is punishable. Grant has always referred to that as “cooperation” If you get down to it, disrespect of him, his leadership, or any our agreements would interfere with having a successful relationship. We feel that basically everything else falls under that heading. Disregard, disrespect, and disobedience all have to do with conducting yourself in a way that promotes a healthy, loving, marriage. For us, it didn’t need to get any more complicated than that.
Now in time, those expectations got more specific. As an example, maintaining my heath evolved into rules about taking vitamins, exercising regularly, eating healthily, following Dr’s orders, should they come up…taking care of myself. Safety led to rules about locking the front door, not speeding…things like that. So, if I ever got a speeding ticket, I basically would keep heading in whatever direction I was going and hope I could cross an international border before Grant found me. But that’s me.
Other people have different rules, and we all need to do what works for us, once we figure that out. I have friends in DD marriages where getting a speeding ticket would not be a big deal. In fact, a couple of HoH’s I know are more likely to speed than their wives. But that is them, their judgment, and we live according to what works for us. I have friends who would be spanked for forgetting to have their cell phone charged and with them. Their husbands feel that is a safety rule they need to stress. That is a non-issue for me. First, I have my cell with me virtually 24/7 for work, and 2nd, I think in almost 4 yrs of DD I have forgotten my cell phone once. In Grant’s view, everyone makes mistakes, and he felt no need to make a rule, or to to punish me for a simple and very rare error.
On the other hand, Grant is very strict about disrespect. He does not like cursing, and never ever in his direction would he tolerate it, even “in fun”. I have friends in DD marriages who do curse “in fun”. They might jokingly give their husband ‘the finger’. Their husbands don’t mind. Mine does. It is just not tolerated here. I was even spanked for saying “hush up” to Grant. What can I say? He felt it was disrespectful, and when we do not agree, he gets to decide. (Huh, who’s dumb idea was that anyway? ) I think part of respect is learning to accept and respect the man you have chosen and committed to. This one is mine and I try to accept and even appreciate him on histerms. In my case, my husband does an awful lot of giving, caretaking, and bending of his own, and it helps to know that…but when neither of us is giving in, then it is my job to yield.
What I am trying to say is this. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about what is important to each of you. What do you want your marriage to be like? What qualities of relating do you value? What do you need to do, what rules do you need to put in place, to make that happen? Start basic and keep it simple. The dynamic will grow and you will develop it and yourselves over time.
One last thought…IF you are into spanking, I would advise you try other kinds! Play, integrate it into your bedroom. Stress buster spankings can be very helpful. We also do something called Maintenance Spanking, which is more of a weekly (for us twice a week) reconnect/who’s who spanking. If you want to incorporate spanking into your relationship because there is a mutual interest in spanking, trust me, there are a lot more fun ways to go than punishment spankings!
The goal is, in time, as you get yourselves in sync, as you feel more comfortable in your roles, that the need for sharp reminders, the need for external discipline should decrease hugely. If he WANTS to lead, and you WANT to follow, it is then a matter of your learning curve, and then being willing to say what you do and do what you say.
The Issue of Consensual Non-Consent in Spanking
Over at Todd and Suzy’s American Spanking Society they asked a question that got me to thinking. And because it’s a rainy day here, and I am home from work sick, and I have time on my hands, and because I think it is an interesting topic, I decided to write a post rather than a shorter comment.
The question was geared more towards fantasy life and role play, and asks those who fantasize about non-consensual spanking about the boundaries and real life lines that are drawn, and what it all means. However, at least the first few comments took it just where I immediately did, to their Domestic Discipline relationships. As it happens, we don’t do role play. Nothing wrong with it, just never appealed and I sort of feel like we live what many role play about…so no need there!
Consensual non-consent is a big topic with lots of implications. First, I will say as almost everyone will agree, non-consensual spanking is abuse. I have heard tell on some Christian DD forums, there is a faction that feels that once a wife gives consent, what her husband says goes, and her ‘right’ to withdrawal consent is gone. I could not disagree more. This IS still the US of A! Many women fantasize about the sexy but stern, fair but furious, spanker taking her over his knee against her will. In real life that just doesn’t fly unless it is in a ‘scene’ or perhaps, in a Domestic Discipline relationship. But the consent must always be there, at some level.
In DD relationships most people, myself included, will say that once there is consent given as a blanket consent then agreement in the moment is not required. But agreement takes different forms, and to me you enter onto shaky ground there unless you are very careful. Some women say that they want to be able to say “No” and have their partner know that deep down inside they still mean “Yes”. That takes a lot of communication and trust. In the real world, as opposed to spanking stories and fantasies, a woman needs to be clear before, give specific permission, reaffirm after, that this was indeed what she wanted, and a man has to be able to trust she will not change her mind last minute or even later, and decide to call the police. It has never failed to horrify me when I have heard of (the rare) DD couple where the threat of calling 911 has been made. If I were their husband or partner, the DD portion of our arrangement would be done. Consensual non-consent is risky business and our guys put their neck on the line as much as we out our bottoms on the line! Trust is a two way street, and while we often talk about trusting him to not ‘really’ hurt us, are we trustworthy to not really hurt him? In my mind there is no wiggle room on either side. If my husband was physically out of control and hit me in a hurtful and non- consensual way, DD would end. If I were out of control and hurt him with legal threats, DD would end.
With that made clear, I do think where the rubber meets the road in a developed DD relationship is where a woman submits, or accepts a spanking, even when she doesn’t agree. Sometimes less mature DD relationships will start with the wife asking to be spanked for a certain reason, say to meet diet goals, and the husband will agree to comply, but just for the specific reasons she has asked for and he has agreed to. It’s a form of DD. Then there are the DD relationships that move beyond that, where they start with some agreed upon goals, but they also incorporate the idea of a Head of Household, or HoH. Then there is a power exchange that ultimately means he decides for them what will happen. What that has meant in my marriage is that the consent sometimes extends to me being spanked when I really don’t want to be, when I don’t feel like it, when I am in disagreement with his reasoning, and when it makes me furious that he has decided to spank me. Thankfully, it’s not often that it happens, but in truth it has, and I know will again.
The other issue is the protest. When should he respond to a “No” and when should he ignore it? I guess that is different for every couple. It’s certainly a good reason to be sure you have talked a lot and in detail, and understand each other very well! It makes a case for having a safe word, although we never have had one. I expect any woman who has experienced a real punishment spanking will say, “No, please stop!” in the midst of it. There are couples who will then cease the spanking. I have made it clear in discussions with my husband that I can’t always control that in the moment, and I do WANT it to be ignored. He has learned over time to read me very well, and has always known immediately when anything was ‘wrong’. Beyond that, the words I use are seen by both of us as an expression of my emotion in the moment not my true intent. I cannot believe there is any woman who is spanked for true punishment who is able to get through that experience without begging and pleading. I sure am not. It’s just a risky business!
On the other hand, unless it was for play, Grant would never drag me unwillingly into the bedroom, across his knee…or anywhere for that matter. It is his perspective that if I am not woman enough to keep my agreement with him and honor my word, if I won’t offer my submission, then he is not going to force his dominance. Not ever. I have refused spankings a couple of times. It was very unpleasant for both of us and each time, he laid down the paddle, both literally and figuratively. He simply said “You come to me when you have decided to keep our agreement.”, and left the room. It was sobering and initiated serious reflection on what I was doing…to him, to us, and what it was I really wanted. We DD wives whine all over the blogs and forums when our men are inconsistent, but how consistent are we? Ultimately, I did go to him, and have not refused in a long time. I am hoping I never will again. I might argue a little, try to dissuade him, but I hope I have learned better self control and consistency, and that my days of refusal are done. It’s about commitment.
That leaves me back to admitting that I consent to non-consensual spanking. I agree to be disciplined even when I ‘don’t want to’. But I am protected by my knowledge and Grant’s acknowledgement that I have the ability and the right to renege on that consent at any time. Frankly, DD is so much whom we are that I am not sure how or if the marriage would stay alive without that dynamic. It would break the faith between us, as would cheating or lying, but still, we both know I can. There IS consent
Getting Back In The Groove
Saturday afternoon Grant went to do a few errands for himself, and I asked if he would pick up just a couple of things at the market. All three kids have been home and the food just disappears. We needed milk, meat, and rolls…just some basics to get us through until today, Sunday, when I will go do a ‘big’ shopping. When he got back he carried in three full bags, and I asked what he had…seemed to be a lot of stuff. “Oh, I got the things you said you needed, and then the other things I know you need!” It turned out to be the theme of the evening.
I realized this morning that I am feeling more settled than I have in quite a while, and while I have known I was not ‘quite right’, I didn’t really know what to do about it, exactly what was wrong. I have been just a little off my game. I do know why though. Just too much, on all fronts. The pretrial stress, the trial, travel, friends staying with us, kids home, work put off and then trying to catch up, Grant beginning his travel season for his work. There’s been too little time, sleep, spanking, quietude, focus. I’ve been stretched and running to keep up.
I have felt off balance for a while, and while it is understandable, it is also uncomfortable. All in all, I’ve been pretty good. I have worked hard to not sink to bratting, bating, taking it out on Grant. I sure have not been perfect, but I think more about being testy, saying “no”, pushing those buttons, than I allow myself to act on. However, I have sure been thinking! That’s not a good sign!
We got back into the rhythm of our twice a week maintenance spanking this week. It had gone almost two weeks (except for a couple of ‘quickies’) which is very unusual for us. After this week I should have been feeling better, but I found myself still going through mental gymnastics. A few nights ago in bed Grant said “You see all that stuff over by the fireplace? I want it gone. We need to get things organized around here again (hmm, could he have been talking about me too?). The stuff is yet to be gone, and the truth is I vaguely semi decided not to do it. Why? When I start having those kinds of thoughts, like… “I don’t want to move that stuff, and I don’t want to be given those kinds of directives, and let’s see if he even notices!” Uh oh, it’s just not a good sign!
By yesterday I was having vague fantasies about starting trouble! Not specific trouble, not serious trouble, but I think I needed to rumble…maybe to push those walls and see if they stand strong, to see if he is still ‘there’, if I am still ‘here’…are we back to ‘us’ and am I safe? I think that is what it comes down to. Can I breathe again?
It is safe. That is why I feel better today. I am finally able to exhale and feel at home in my place in our world. I assume it was pretty obvious to him I have been unfocussed, distracted, less than cooperative, in a non- overtly defiant way. I often (want to) think he has no idea what I am thinking, and I am often surprised to be proven wrong.
Last night Grant announced he wanted to take me out to dinner. At around 7 PM, out of the blue, he said he had made reservations for 8 PM, directed me to get off the computer, do the dishes, make up our bed (he’d been in it as his back was hurting), and to be ready by 8. He also mentioned that further instructions will follow. If that doesn’t get a girls attention, I don’t know what does! While I admit it crossed my mind that I don’t like directives, and that I wanted to NOT do any of it, of course I did what he asked, and also of course was running just a couple of minutes late.
He came into the bedroom and seeing me in process said “No rush. Take as long as you want.” Hmmm, time to push a little? “As long as I need?” I repeated innocently. “Sure, we’ll leave whenever you want” “Oh, whenever I want? Good!” He said “Oh boy…you better be careful!” I raised my eyebrows in response. On our way out the door, I turned to him and said, “You know, I think I feel like trouble! “No problem!” was his quick retort. Got to love a man with the right answer!
Dinner was really nice…a drink, good food, nice atmosphere and music. We relaxed and chatted and enjoyed it all. While we sat in our booth waiting for our after dinner coffee, Grant put his hand across the table open palmed. He does that often, a silent request to hold my hand. As I laid my hand in his, he looked at me with a soft smile and said, “When we get home, this is what I expect.” Did THAT grab my attention? You bet! I was given very specific instructions. He said very quietly, “You are going to pick out the paddle you like the most and the one you like the least, and lay them out…” It went on from there…how to set up the room, lighting, dress, “And you will be waiting there for me patiently.”
We left the restaurant holding hands and I couldn’t help but wonder how many couples in that restaurant would go home to anything like what I suspected lay before me. When we walked in the door he told me I had 15 minutes. All I will share is that the evening was long, loving, intense, and at times a little difficult for me. There were a couple of new requests, and that is always a challenge. It can require moving beyond personal boundaries you didn’t even know you have, facing inhibitions and in essence going out on an emotional limb, but of course, always knowing he is there to catch me should I stumble. He worked on my submission in a firm, loving way that left us both feeling our roles very definitively, and ultimately very connected, fulfilled and me rather exhausted afterwards.
I don’t know exactly why I need this, why it leaves me feeling settled, but when he puts me so emphatically in my place, it makes me feel good, safe, loved, treasured. He touches me from the inside out. I am just a little bit sore today, and have a few aches in new places, but inside…it feels better than it has in quite a while!
