Finding Sara

 Over at Todd and Suzy’s American Spanking Society  they asked a question that got me to thinking. And because it’s a rainy day here, and I am home from work sick, and I have time on my hands, and because I think it is an interesting topic, I decided to write a post rather than a shorter comment.

The question was geared more towards  fantasy life and role play, and asks those who fantasize about non-consensual spanking about the boundaries and real life lines that are drawn, and what it all means. However, at least the first few comments took it just where I immediately did, to their Domestic Discipline relationships. As it happens, we don’t do role play. Nothing wrong with it, just never appealed and I sort of feel like we live what many role play about…so no need there!

Consensual non-consent is a big topic with lots of implications. First, I will say as almost everyone will agree, non-consensual spanking is abuse. I have heard tell on some Christian DD forums, there is a faction that feels that once a wife gives consent, what her husband says goes, and her ‘right’ to withdrawal consent is gone. I could not disagree more. This IS still the US of A! Many women fantasize about the sexy but stern, fair but furious, spanker taking her over his knee against her will. In real life that just doesn’t fly unless it is in a ‘scene’ or perhaps, in a Domestic Discipline relationship. But the consent must always be there, at some level.

In DD relationships most people, myself included, will say that once there is consent given as a blanket consent then agreement in the moment is not required. But agreement takes different forms, and to me you enter onto shaky ground there unless you are very careful. Some women say that they want to be able to say “No” and have their partner know that deep down inside they still mean “Yes”.  That takes a lot of communication and trust. In the real world, as opposed to spanking stories and fantasies, a woman needs to be clear before, give specific permission, reaffirm after, that this was indeed what she wanted, and a man has to be able to trust she will not change her mind last minute or even later, and decide to call the police. It has never failed to horrify me when I have heard of (the rare) DD couple where the threat of calling 911 has been made. If I were their husband or partner, the DD portion of our arrangement would be done. Consensual non-consent is risky business and our guys put their neck on the line as much as we out our bottoms on the line! Trust is a two way street, and while we often talk about trusting him to not ‘really’ hurt us, are we trustworthy to not really hurt him? In my mind there is no wiggle room on either side. If my husband was physically out of control and hit me in a hurtful and non- consensual way, DD would end. If I were out of control and hurt him with legal threats, DD would end.

With that made clear, I do think where the rubber meets the road in a developed DD relationship is where a woman submits, or accepts a spanking, even when she doesn’t agree. Sometimes less mature DD relationships will start with the wife asking to be spanked for a certain reason, say to meet diet goals, and the husband will agree to comply, but just for the specific reasons she has asked for and he has agreed to. It’s a form of DD. Then there are the DD relationships that move beyond that, where they start with some agreed upon goals, but they also incorporate the idea of a Head of Household, or HoH. Then there is a power exchange that ultimately means he decides for them what will happen. What that has meant in my marriage is that the consent sometimes extends to me being spanked when I really don’t want to be, when I don’t feel like it, when I am in disagreement with his reasoning, and when it makes me furious that he has decided to spank me. Thankfully, it’s not often that it happens, but in truth it has, and I know will again.

The other issue is the protest. When should he respond to a “No” and when should he ignore it? I guess that is different for every couple. It’s certainly a good reason to be sure you have talked a lot and in detail, and understand each other very well! It makes a case for having a safe word, although we never have had one. I expect any woman who has experienced a real punishment spanking will say, “No, please stop!” in the midst of it. There are couples who will then cease the spanking. I have made it clear in discussions with my husband that I can’t always control that in the moment, and I do WANT it to be ignored. He has learned over time to read me very well, and has always known immediately when anything was ‘wrong’.  Beyond that, the words I use are seen by both of us as an expression of my emotion in the moment not my true intent.  I cannot believe there is any woman who is spanked for true punishment who is able to get through that experience without begging and pleading. I sure am not. It’s just a risky business!

On the other hand, unless it was for play, Grant would never drag me unwillingly into the bedroom, across his knee…or anywhere for that matter.  It is his perspective that if I am not woman enough to keep my agreement with him and honor my word, if I won’t offer my submission, then he is not going to force his dominance. Not ever. I have refused spankings a couple of  times. It was very unpleasant for both of us and each time, he laid down the paddle, both literally and figuratively. He simply said “You come to me when you have decided to keep our agreement.”, and left the room. It was sobering and initiated serious reflection on what I was doing…to him, to us, and what it was I really wanted. We DD wives whine all over the blogs and forums when our men are inconsistent, but how consistent are we? Ultimately, I did go to him, and have not refused in a long time. I am hoping I never will again. I might argue a little, try to dissuade him, but I hope I have learned better self control and consistency, and that my days of refusal are done. It’s about commitment.

That leaves me back to admitting that I consent to non-consensual spanking. I agree to be disciplined even when I ‘don’t want to’. But I am protected by my knowledge and Grant’s acknowledgement that I have the ability and the right to renege on that consent at any time.  Frankly, DD is so much whom we are that I am not sure how or if the marriage would stay alive without that dynamic. It would break the faith between us, as would cheating or lying, but still, we both know I can. There IS consent