Finding Sara

     Sooo, when I said in my last post that I hadn’t been doing very well, I meant it. Here’s a tale from the trenches. Sometimes reality blogging is rough!

     Last Friday, a week ago, I went nuts. There was a whole conglomeration of stuff that came to a head that day, and it sure wasn’t pretty!  I had my period for the 2^nd time in 20 days with all of the symptoms, including major PMS. I was trying to organize 3 kids, 3 animals, and ‘stuff’, to leave for the summer. I was blindly careening towards fallout over father’s day as well. I got a phone call from a cousin about coming to the cemetery for a memorial for his mother, and had all sorts of mixed feelings about that. And then Grant had left, moved to our summer place for the next 3 months, Yes I was due to follow, yes I will spend lots of time up there, but we will be apart a lot too, and I don’t like that part of our summers at all.

    I was supposed to leave Thursday afternoon but our daughter couldn’t get herself together. I tried to be patient, understanding, flexible. Ok, so we’ll go Friday morning. No big deal. She wasn’t ready Friday either. In fact the kids stayed up watching movies together practically all night Thursday night and no one was getting out of bed Friday morning. I was not happy. I got myself together, ran into work for an hour…why not? …and came back to the house still silent, at close to 11 am. Now I was upset, and just then Grant called to ‘see how I was’. “Not good, thanks!”

   I tend to get worried about everybody and everything and although I was mad at the kids I didn’t want him to be mad at them, or get him upset. I had started to worry that maybe our oldest wouldn’t even make it up there, would balk at the last moment, and since I was leaving earlier with our daughter, and counting on him to bring the youngest, what If I got there and the boys didn’t come? And it was father’s day, and Grant would be hurt, but I didn’t want him to think there was a problem, because maybe it was really ok…and on and on.

    So he called. He was not in his happy place either. He had all sorts of people working there and had run out of coffee. He needs his morning coffee! He was tense and a brusk, and I told him to just go get his darn coffee, and he argued that he couldn’t, and somehow one thing led to another…really no clue what was said, and it wasn’t even an argument…really it wasn’t!  But I do remember being agitated, and all of the sudden I hear “OK Matt, put it over there.” And he turns back to the phone and says, “You are getting punished!” Huh???And how can so many different thoughts run through one’s mind all at the same time?

 Instantly and simultaneously I thought:

 “What the heck is THAT about?”

 “I cannot BELEIVE you said that in front of your worker!”

  “OMG Matt is the guy who’s working there this whole summer!”

  “I am soooo embarrassed”

  “There is NO FRICKEN way!”

  “You are such a %*^#!”

   And finally “NO!” just “NO!”

   Those were the thoughts. What came out of my mouth was bad enough:

   “That ‘s Bull Shit! I am getting off the phone!” He said “Fine.” and I did.

    I was nuts. How could he do that to me? Say that? He’s going to punish me…and for what? At a time like this? And in front of someone? I’m done…in fact, I am not going! Not now, not ever. I will never go up there again, and certainly not when ‘Matt” is there…and I’ll be damned if I am submitting to any spanking!

    I dunno…is it only me who goes through these mental gyrations? Actually, I know it’s not, because close DD friends tell me about their insane moments. We bloggers just don’t often admit them out loud. It’s embarrassing, ya know?

    I pulled out my laptop and emailed Grant that I was not coming. It was noon and no one was yet awake. I took a mild sedative, turned off my cell, and cried myself to sleep. I never take drugs like that in the middle of the day, I don’t talk to Grant like that, and truthfully, I still didn’t even know exactly what happened. What I had said? I only know on my part it was a meltdown wrought from hormones and stress. I was over the top, nothing left, and the only option was getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head!

    When I woke up it was to my cell vibrating and it was Grant. I was drowsy and momentarily forgot to be mad. He was concerned and sympathetic and kind, and so I just told him that I took something and slept, and I was better and would get coffee and get on the road. I also said I was so upset he said what he did in front of Matt. He said “Honey, first of all it wasn’t Matt it was Mark, who is part of a temp lawn crew, 2nd he had left the building, and 3^rd, I would NEVER say that in front of anyone!” It sure didn’t sound that way to me at the time…but I know he wouldn’t lie to me. To my surprise he wasn’t even angry, especially given that he had called 4 times and left multiple emails. Normally he would be very upset and I would be in trouble for that alone, if for nothing else! It’s hard to understand the male mind at times!

   Our emails, over several hours with my nap in between, went like this:

    S:       “You’re getting punished for this”  ???

           IN FRONT OF MATT…and don’t try to deny it because you said

            “Thanks Matt”…and then turned and said that to me.

            I am not coming.

    G:      You cannot refuse to come up here.

           Please get back to me.
   
           Love, G

    S:      I am coming. I didn’t even unpack. I got in bed, cried a little and slept.

            I am overemotional, have my period twice in a month, feel sad about my

                Dad, the kids, don’t like transitions, and then you yelled at me and I don’t

                even understand why.

          J is up and we will leave shortly.

   G:      I love you… take it easy…

           Love G

Half way there I remembered the punishment promise and texted:

We’re on our way. Am I still in trouble? Explain pls? 

G texted back:

 No, it was an emotional response and you are having an understandably difficult time 
 
Love G 

    So what was all that? Maybe it’s called a relationship in real life? When I got there, we talked just a bit before sleep. I asked him why and what. He said we didn’t need to discuss it, to just let it go. I am guessing I was emotionally spiraling and he heard it, and perhaps he over reacted? I know I sure did. But there are reasons and real life stresses, and while I can’t say this never happens, for neither of us is it very common anymore.

    As a side note, I do think women going through menopause should get special exemptions, and the men who live with them might deserve medals of valor!