Hello, I wonder if I may ask a question. I am a Christian female who is interested in the D/s lifestyle. I am having a really hard time reconciling this with my faith. To make matters more difficult I am married to an agnostic who finds this all pretty weird. This makes me feel even worse. Am I crazy for being drawn to this ? Are there a lot of us “freaks” out there ?
Stelle
Hi Stelle,
First, I have to tell you I am not a Christian. So I can tell you what I think, but understand it is not from an insider’s perspective. On the other hand, I am very knowledgeable about religions in general, and have certainly discussed the issue of D/s and it’s connection to Christianity before. I don’t think there is any connection, nor do most others, even those who are very devout Christians.
I have had some wonderful discussions on the subject with a friend Marie, who is a devout Christian, and she helped me address some of the questions you ask about Christianity and D/s in the post What Would Jesus Do.
I believe that the D/s or Dd lifestyle, and BDSM activities, are not any more a part of one’s faith that what you choose to eat for breakfast or the colors you prefer to wear. Your faith has to do with your values and spiritual ideas. D/s has to do with your sexuality and how you organize your relationship with your husband. There are many practicing D/s couples who are very spiritual and have strong religious values, There are some who aren’t and don’t. It’s like anywhere else, really.
I think sometimes people get confused when they get caught in the quagmire of sexual repression, and believe that somehow their sexuality might be ungodly. It is my belief that anything exciting, pleasing, enriching or productive between a married couple should be valued and cultivated! If it is not harmful, and you both want it, do it!
You mention you are married to an agnostic. Is it your interest in a D/s lifestyle or your conflict about it that he finds weird? I doubt you are crazy, but if you are, it has nothing to do with your feeling drawn to D/s. Power dynamics are a natural part of all relationships. Every marriage has someone who is more dominant. Some of us chose to focus on that aspect of the relationship, make conscious decisions about our power dynamic, and develop and enhance it. We might be different than some folks, but certainly “freaks” does not apply! There are so many of ‘us’ out there, and I assure you we are all manner of people, all colors, genders, race, and cultural backgrounds. We also span all levels of education, professional and economic status. You would be surprised to know that we might very well be your next door neighbor, your hairdresser, your brother-in-law, or your boss.
If you check out the links on the side of my blog there are a few of the many to acquaint yourself with. Then follow their links and you will find lots more. You cannot believe everything you read or take anything at face value. In the end you will have to figure out what you believe, and what will work best for you and your husband. I wish you luck in finding your place, and hope you enjoy the journey!
Sara
CultivatedDiscipline said,
June 29, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Yes, sometimes when you have certain inner drives that are not shared by the masses you can feel isolated. It is tough. But — you are not alone, you are not odd or strange and your desires are not odd or strange either.
I hope you take the time to browse the bog roll. There are some fine people there with a variety of experiences. Things will begin to look clearer soon.
CD
Ally said,
June 30, 2009 at 9:04 am
I am a Christian too, and thought a lot about spanking/dd and what they meant in relation to each other. I can’t say I’ve come to any solid conclusion except this : I don’t believe there is any conflict between the two. In addition, since we began spanking in our sex life and dd, our marriage has flourished in a way that was unpresedented. On other people’s blogs that I have read, and I read ALOT before trying anything, I almost always saw similar results. I don’t see how something that can be good for couples could be wrong. I personally don’t think the Bible speaks about spanking or dd one way or the other…only to the way a husband/wife relationship is set up. Some people really get that idea messed up, so I want to say, I don’t think that means men are superior to women, it’s like Sara says, someone’s got have the final say or it’s going to be a battle. It’s unpleasent for everyone. Honestly, I think the structure of a dd relationship fits right in with my beliefs… I don’t know anything about agnostics, but I know that for my husband and I it took a lot of time to get used to the idea and the feeling of all of this. It kind of just popped into our lives and it does feel very weird at first because it is so foreign. It’s not like your going to see it talked about on the news, it’s not something that is out there in your everyday life. (Well, unless your on the computer alot.) Like everyone else is saying, look at all the links, there is an endless trail of blogs to read. Some will speak to you and some probably won’t… I know I have found certain ones that I go back to frequently, and they are not all exactly like me either. Give you and you husband some time to sit with the idea, ask him if he’ll read some stuff. My husband thought it was weird too, now he loves it. And there is no need to feel like a freak. I think if people felt they could be more open about all this, we’d be suprised at who we’d find in common.
Good luck!
Ally
Amber said,
June 30, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I agree with you Sara, well done and to Stelle if she reads the comments, I’d like to say that many Christians actually DO use the Bible to support their D/s feelings. The part about the wife submitting to her husband supports a D/s power exchange.
I always thought Christians kinda got a “leg up” on the whole dynamic, actually, since traditional Christianity is very much a patriarchal religion; from women being created from Adam’s rib to Eve’s sin causing the fall of mankind to Lot’s daughters, who were offered to the rabble for rape, and so forth.
In the new testament, you have Mary submitting to God’s will and bearing the son of God.
“Ideal” women in the Bible are very much described as being submissive in society in general and always always to men.
Disobedient women end up being turned into pillars of salt, lol.
Seems to go well with the whole D/s premise, I always thought! LOL!
godsgifttohim said,
June 30, 2009 at 4:30 pm
There are a lot of us, Stelle. My husband and I are leaders in the church and we consider our marriage a D/s relationship. You are not crazy and I firmly believe you can serve God and your husband with your submission. Good luck, sweetie.
Stelle said,
June 30, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Thank you all very much. I don’t feel so alone.
Sara said,
July 13, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Thank you all for joining in! And Stelle, you are certainly in the crowd!