Women Unite!
This weekend my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law stopped by our home for a day and a half on their way north. We are moving Grant’s mother back “home” and this was part of it. I like my sister-in-law. She is a nice person, and fun, if a bit ditsy. She’s about 4 yrs older than me, so mid 50s, several times divorced. It will be an interesting summer because the in laws will be around a lot. They will stay at the Ranch until we have his mother and sister resettled. Closeness is a mixed bag with extended family, but I am optimistic. I am sure we’ll have our moments though.
A preview of things to come occurred while sitting around our kitchen table on Saturday afternoon. It was just us girls, as Grant and our kids are already at the Ranch. My sister-in-law doesn’t see well at night and gets lost when driving quite often. I told her “Grant says he doesn’t want you to leave today. He wants you to wait until morning.” She retorted, “Well, he isn’t telling me what to do.” I reminded her that he is just concerned for her safety and then I resorted to adding “And he told me I was not to let you leave!” She said she would agree to stay the night, but only because she was tired.
There was a pause before she turned to me and asked, “Does my brother try to tell you what to do?” Uh oh. I answered in a light manner, “Well, you know Grant. He tells everyone what to do!” Undeterred she continued…half kidding, half ready to get riled, “Yeah, I know. But does he try to tell you what to do?” I smiled and said “He’s your brother! Of course he tells me what to do!” She zeroed in “But you don’t listen right?” I hesitated, “Well…I choose when to listen”. That seemed to satisfy and she let it go. Apparently no sister-in-law of hers is being pushed around!
My answer was an evasion and also technically the truth. I do choose when to listen. I have chosen to ‘listen’ (cooperate, obey…whatever you want to call it) pretty much all of the time, unless I just can’t, and then we deal with that one way or another. She was satisfied, and I would guess gave it not another thought. It started me thinking though. It reminded me of how much my thinking has changed, of where I was and where I am now. It also reminded me of the pressure we women put on each other to not abandon the feminist ideals we were brought up with. Sisters stand strong!
Huh. That used to be pretty important to me. I like women. I understand them and really enjoy their company. My women friends are very important to me, and I value the friendships I have. I know I need them in my life, and nourish the friendships in a way that is separate and apart from the relationship with my husband. Still, for many years I believed what I was taught, that to yield, depend on, submit to a male partner was against the creed of modern womankind, and further, to do so would be letting my foresisters down. So for many years, even while married, I kept myself separate and apart, and my marriage paid the price. I stood strong and independent within the marriage. Frankly, it was pretty lonely. They were wrong and I was wrong. Buying into a relationship with your man is not anti-female, does not diminish my power, my rights, my life. Instead it has enhanced it hugely.
The fact is that my husband does tell me what to do, and yes, I do let him. That is our agreement. I am not bullied, but I am out ranked in authority in our relationship, and with my consent. One of the reasons we keep our arrangement a secret is that it is so disapproved of in today’s western culture. Our power dynamic is associated with women being devalued or even mistreated. The only paradigm most women know is that of oppressed and oppressor. Grant and I are neither of those, but I can understand how the concept does not compute to those who speak the language of our predecessors.
What’s going to happen when my sister-in-law hears her brother tell me what to do this summer, and she sees me do it? I am sure I will get a talking to. I imagine I will hear something like “You need to explain a few things to my brother, like who’s in charge here!”
Will “He is.” be my answer?
ginger said,
June 30, 2009 at 7:29 pm
amen sista!
Actually, you outta try the “he is” and see what the reaction is!!
g.
arwen said,
July 1, 2009 at 8:30 am
Yes, there is that unspoken “creed of modern womankind.”
I’ve even had women tell me “listen to your husband,” but with a decidedly patronizing attitude: “you know, men are childish; you have to pacify them and let them think they are having their way.” I don’t want to be a mother or older sister, and I don’t want to go at it with a martyred attitude either. What a turn off!
A man who takes charge is sexy! But . . . saying or thinking that is another HUGE taboo.
I think you should say “He is. I voted him in to the office.”
If she’s observed your marriage (all the positive qualities), it may give her something to ponder, even if her initial reaction may be resistant. And if she knows you, she would also know that this is the choice of a woman who is smart and independent; far from being a doormat.
livingdd said,
July 1, 2009 at 8:31 am
lol, you can handle it! It is so hard when what you want to say is something like, he is and that is why I am still married and you aren’t! I have a friend who goes crazy every time I tell her I have to do this or that so “I don’t end up in trouble” or when I tell her I need to call K before I do something or buy something. But her marriage is terrible and I feel sorry for her every day and I am happy to do these things that allow me to have the marriage I have.
~N
godsgifttohim said,
July 1, 2009 at 9:29 am
The other day my girlfriend and her kids were over. My Husband came home and kissed me hello and then sweetly said he would like to see me in that new little sundress I purchased the other day.
I excused myself and quickly changed and then continued chatting with my friend. She was horrified! I tried to blow it off as a sex thing. “oh, when he’s like that, he just wants to see my legs. When I go along with these silly requests, I get the good stuff later”. She just smirked and made a comment about being oversexed.
I get giddy when he thinks about me enough to know he wants to see me a certain way and am more than happy to take the two minutes needed to please him. I would think more wives would. My friend’s marriage is grumpy at best, I so badly want to clue her in, but I don’t think it would go over well.
Amber said,
July 1, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Tell her to talk to her brother about it if she’s so concerned because you’re not troubled at all and you’re fine with it.
And keep smiling and flirting with him; it’ll drive her nuts, LOL!
I remember when Dan and I were still dating and we were staying with my brother and his wife for a visit. I came out dressed for going out to dinner and Dan and my brother were waiting for “the women” to finish fussing over ourselves, makeup, hair, you know…
Dan took one look at the lipstick I’d put on and told me to go take it off. He doesn’t like lipstick, never has. Immediately I turned back and went to the bathroom to take it off. My SIL followed me, saying, “I think it looks fine, you don’t need to take it off” etc., but of course I took it off anyway.
We didn’t have words for what we did back then, I just knew I wanted to please him and follow his lead. When I came back out, he grinned and said, “Much better!” and kissed me. My SIL was furious.
She brought this incident up for YEARS after that, lol! It seemed such a big deal to her.
But guess who is the much happier and content wife with the happier and more content husband? Hmmmm…guess guess!?
Yeah. Me. Heh.
Meow said,
July 1, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Sara, you wrote: “So for many years, even while married, I kept myself separate and apart, and my marriage paid the price. I stood strong and independent within the marriage. Frankly, it was pretty lonely.” I really identified with that and wouldn’t go back to that way of living for all the world. Lash doesn’t often give the kind of orders that would be noticeable to others, but I always know he’s in charge and so does he and that keeps us happy! Meow
Cara said,
July 1, 2009 at 4:42 pm
It is a problem with a duel edge really. As much as there is an “unspoken creed of modern woman” there is emerging an “unspoken creed of modern man.” I have noticed a growing trend of men who are unable to step up in the dominant position in their relationships. What may have started as a reaction of fear to feminism, may continue to be a reaction, but I suspect it has been taught long enough that it is becoming a characteristic. I cannot blame men who have this characteristic. For as much as women are taught to “stay strong for the cause of feminism” men are being taught to be weaker because of the feminism cause.
Sara you make a good point about the disapproval of today’s western society and the power dynamic arrangements of personal relationships. Power dynamics should not have a gender in the world outside a personal relationship. The power dynamics within a personal relationship should be up to those in the relationship and not for the rest of society to comment, control, or approve.
I wish you the best for the time ahead, and I support you reply of “He is.” That is all anyone needs to know, if they insist on knowing.
Cara
Sara said,
July 15, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Thanks for the comments and suggestions! I have left it alone, but she sees we do have a great relationship…and yes, there is a price to be paid for that! It’s life and you do get what you pay for.
Cara, you make a great point regarding how our feminist philosophy has effected our men. I know many others who agree, my husband being one of those voices. Standing up and being strong is no easy task, regardless of what that means, but we lose so much when we don’t. And how are we raising our sons? That is a big question for today’s parents I think.