Spanking and Pain
Today I can still feel last night’s spanking. Why is that? It was not disciplinary and certainly not any harder than the one a few days ago. In fact, I think it was probably fewer whacks, all in all. But the spanking was less progressive, perhaps a shorter warm up, and my mind was not as open or welcoming. I was not resistant, but I was preoccupied and tense from work issues, and me being able to let go and be in the moment, really with him, was some work for the both of us.
I was asked this question, and it seems a good time to answer:
Hi Sara,
I wondered if you’ve had some thoughts on how mindset affects pain tolerance. May I share?
The way we do our maintenance is without schedule or a set limit, so in some ways it’s like what they call “submission spanking.” I’m not much into labels though and it works for us to have it this way. I never know when or how intense, although most of it is pretty predictable.
Well, the other day, I found myself “struggling” with the pain. (sounds like an obvious complaint, doesn’t it) Quite frankly, I was irritated and annoyed that it hurt, and although I was submitting physically, I was having a hard time. He noticed and decided that it is because I was not feeling submissive the way I need to. This only means that he would solve the problem by spanking me more, until I am able to “welcome” the spanking with a submissive heart. Of course in that moment, it seems like this was just not going to happen. But once I resigned myself to my fate, I found myself surrendering (actually cried) and it was completely different. I was no longer irritated or annoyed by the pain, felt like I actually needed this; it hurts less too, when this happens, as I’m sure you know. (Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we can somehow cross over that thresh hold without having to go through the unpleasantness?)
I know that we all talk about the stages of spanking, and it is supposed to be a natural part of the progression to have the “anger” stage, and the need to go past that. But I think there is a slightly different element, especially because this was not a punishment where I got into it with resistance. I wasn’t feeling defiant or resistant, but in hindsight, my husband was absolutely right that I was not really feeling very submissive.
There are times I get into spanking already feeling very submissive that I am very willing and determined bear the pain. It sounds funny, but I am almost happy to submit to the pain. So, in the process of doing this thing, we (my husband and I) have figured out that my attitude determines how I take the spanking, to the point that the act of spanking is sometimes used as the gauge to determine where I am. Spanking does seem to bring to surface whatever may be simmering underneath. Even if I am acting all pleasant and respectful (and I am, most of the time!), once I get called in to be spanked, all kinds of things will come out, even to my own surprise. (we are dealing with subtleties here though) My husband has gotten very good at reading me beneath the surface, but even if he doesn’t detect it before the spanking, he will usually be able to by the way I react during. Sometimes he will test me intentionally, by making it intense, and I am supposed to submit without an attitude. So, I guess it really is more like submission spanking.
I am sure much of what I wrote are things you’ve already experienced or maybe even talked about on your blog. But I wondered about the point that spankings bring to surface whatever is hidden underneath. That point is so interesting to me. (I actually can make a spiritual parallel on that.) I guess it is basic human behavior, that when something unpleasant is thrown at you, it makes your “true colors” surface. What are your thoughts on that, and do you and Grant talk about this aspect or use it as a gauge in your relationship?
Arwen
Dear Arwen,
I think spanking serves different purposes for different people, and relationship dynamics do vary greatly among couples. For some people spanking is just for fun, or erotic pleasure, or for punishment. Not everyone uses spanking in such an intense and emotional way, or as a tool in the relationship. We do.
Yes, there are many times when I/we go into a spanking not knowing what we will find when we get there. For us ‘maintenance’ spanking is different than the erotic or punishment varieties; Not that it won’t include those aspects, because it might, and at times it all flows pretty freely between types of spankings. Our maintenance spankings very much have a “who’s who quality to them, and there is a flow of emotional content between us that follows where each of us, and the relationship, is on that day. What I mean is., if we have been out of sorts with each other, off kilter, if he has been distracted by work, if I have been irritated with him…whatever the factors, even if they are seemingly innocuous and subtle, they do tend to come to the surface when I am over his lap.
Why is that? So many reasons, I suspect. First, there is a ritualistic aspect to spanking. It is an acting out of our dominant and submissive roles, and our connected yin/yang partnership, and it evokes deeper unconscious feelings. A spanking opens us to what’s inside, and whatever there is, rises. I have found that sometimes, when I am unsure, unhappy, or resistant to what is inside me, I put up walls. I, like most people, go through my life with walls erected, and it is with Grant alone that I am committed to consistently lower those walls and let him in., The whole spanking ritual knocks at any closed doors and calls me to him. Sometimes, I think I just do not want to come! Behind those walls might be anger towards him, and I am thus resistant to let him in. Maybe I am unconsciously punishing him by staying closed, or perhaps protecting myself or him from negative feelings that I don’t want to deal with. Sometimes there are tears there, under the surface, and I just don’t want to feel the pain and let them flow. Sometimes my intense vulnerability scares me. Sometimes, I am just stressed and relaxing, letting go, seems impossible.
I asked Grant about this last night, in fact it was in the middle of my spanking! I wanted to know how he sees it. He said “Well, of course, how you respond to spanking tells me what is going on inside!” and yes, he will often spank me thought it. Almost always, for me, the paddle is the answer. Well spanking and some loving communication. Sometimes Grant’s tone and demeanor is very firm and insistent, sometimes his tone is soft and cajoling and so tender, and always the spanking is more intense when I am not able to let him in. The connection we have, emotionally, and physically, with the intensity of spanking added in, along with the commitment to not leave walls between us has brought our relationship to a whole other place. Yes, it does indeed involve what I might call a spiritual experience and connection.
Where I am in my mind can definitely affect the experience of pain. If I am aroused and open, I tolerate spanking pain much more easily. If I am resistant and closed, everything hurts, and I find that sometimes I tend to try to close up further, or even become angry or defiant. If it is a punishment spanking, just because of where my head is, (and no warm up) I am often crying and beside myself with the pain after 5 swats! Many people don’t understand how something you crave can also be something you truly want to avoid. Even when you love and need spanking, spanking for punishment is entirely different, and truly painful on a whole different level.
And then there is the aftermath. Last night hurt more during, and still hurts some after. I don’t mind really. Feeling a spanking the next day is a way of prolonging the experience and that connectedness, and can be a nice thing. But, it is strange, isn’t it, how the body and our physical perceptions are so mind connected?
What do you think? Sara
A Stellar Spanking
While I can still remember it, I am going to share that I got the most wonderful spanking last Saturday! Of course, Grant saw my post, but he already knew. I am told I am pretty transparent, and especially to my husband. That can be both a good and bad thing. At any rate, it seems to most often get me what I need. That, and his commitment, consistency, and sincere caring for my well-being.
It was rather ridiculous actually. I suspect not many couples would do what we do, push the way we do, to make room for each other and the intimacy we crave and need. Maybe it’s because we are a bit older? Maybe it’s because the marriage was rocky and we lost and found each other again? Maybe it’s because we just agree to make our marriage and the time we spend, what we need to do to be at our very best, more important than anything else. We very consciously work at our marriage
Saturday, as I mentioned in my last post, was full of family and a dinner and was really busy. Everyone hung around, and as much as we tried to hint we were done for the night, no one was leaving. We have set aside a cabin for ourselves. It is a bit set off from the rest, but not entirely private, and the path to the entrance is visible from all over. The walls are thick logs and so we figure the sound is a non issue, unless someone happens to walk right by. Last week we told the kids we were “going for a walk” after dark, and it worked quite well. This week, we intended to do that, but a niece sat on our front porch, right across from the cabin, and talked with our son late into the night. My mother-in-law and sister-in law didn’t close up to go to bed until later than usual, and their cabin is not far enough from ours. Then, it started to rain. How do we tell the kids we are “going out for a walk”, in the rain no less, pass by the family on the front porch, and the in-laws across the road, carrying a briefcase full of implements and a few pillows, and make our way up to our destination without looking VERY suspect?
We did it. I am not sure how, but we did. Grant was beyond frustrated and while I was about to suggest we just forget it, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with a “Let’s go!” I stuck the implement bag between the two pillows, he muttered something to my son about “going for a walk after we take some extra pillows up to Grandma”, and off we went. Who knows what he saw or thought! I’m not even thinking about it! ( and perhaps neither is he?) Then, just as we were sneaking up to the cabin, across the road in the dark, up the hill to the door, a car suddenly came around the bend and we were lit up in his headlights! AGHH! We kept going, now running, hand and hand, and slipped quickly into the cabin. We tried to keep the lights off, just using the small closet light with the door left open a crack. The front door was locked, the curtains drawn and quickly the spanking commenced.
I don’t know if this will resonate with anyone, but it was one of those times when I was so in need, and so open, and he went with a long and slow warm up, progressing through every implement we have. I think we ultimately went well over an hour, and I slipped into that wonderful place, perhaps what some call subspace? He spanked harder and harder, and while I truly felt the pain, part of me was detached, stood apart, calm and somewhat like I was in a trance. It almost couldn’t get too hard. I was riding with it, present but in another place entirely. I would guess he stopped when his arm got tired and he thought I had had enough. And I had.
It was wonderful! I was so very satisfied and relaxed. But here’s the funny thing. With that kind of spanking, you would think I might be sore the next day, I know for sure if he had spanked like that, without the warm up, like he would for a punishment, I would be very sore! Maybe it was the warm up, maybe the mental space, but I barely felt anything the next day. A more experienced spanko friend said maybe it’s like the people who walk on hot coals? Mind over matter? I’m not sure, but it definitely was a stellar spanking!
I Need….
a spanking. I am so primed, wound tight, can feel it inside and out. A no nonsense, take me down, reign me in, tussle and conquer session. He needs it too. He is more stressed than I am, and that’s saying a lot. We’re both tense and on edge from work. We argued half the way up, on our cells, through my 5 hour drive yesterday, poking and snapping at each other. He started it…but I finished it. He apologized, and although ticked off, I already knew he didn’t mean any of it.
We’ve both had really rough weeks, and we were far apart. The fact that I stripped and jumped naked into bed with him, immediately upon my arrival at 6 PM last night, interrupting his nap, only barely got me through the evening. Today needs to be the day.
But how can it happen? Of course we have a houseful of kids, a couple of their friends, and in-laws in our cabins across the road. There will be the big Sunday family dinner tonight. His mother made sauce, ziti and meatballs. I’ll supply fresh Italian bread, red wine, salad and broccoli. There will no doubt be poker played into the night.
It’s all good. But I need. Let’s see what the man manages today.
A DD Question – Is It a Partnership?
Sara-
My husband found your site today and we have read through quite a bit of it. We both know we want a DD relationship but I am struggling so much. I, too, am a strong professional woman and we have a full life with 4 children, a 4 hour commute 5 days a week and a history of taking care of myself. I feel like I am losing part of myself. I am not comfortable with not knowing information about us or our family in the interest of knowing ‘he’s taking care of it.’ I feel that agreeing to a DD lifestyle doesn’t mean I give up my voice, my interest in our life or our partnership. I don’t know ….maybe I’m not making any sense but it seemed that you might understand a bit. I’m 45 and he’s 43…this isn’t our first marriage so we truly want to make it work….but there’s the balance of kids, work, emotions…how did you do it??
Pam
Pam…so many questions! :) I think I do know how you feel…yearning, scared, wanting something more in the marriage but being afraid of losing what you have yourself? First let me respond to a few misconceptions:
“I feel like I am losing part of myself.”
You are afraid you will lose parts of yourself? What I lost was the burden of being responsible for myself in isolation within the marriage. I lost the control of having the final say on issues. I lost the feeling of functioning independently without regard for how my husband felt, or how my actions affected the marriage. What I gained was a feeling of being part of a team, an interconnected partnership. I gained a husband who always tries to put my happiness and well being first because he now sees that as his responsibility, and feels rewarded by my dedication and appreciation and submission to him. My husband also lost the right to function independently without regard to how it affected me or the marriage. We both put the marriage first. In truth, I feel more respected, valued, attended to and loved than I ever have before.
“I am not comfortable with not knowing information about us or our family in the interest of knowing ‘he’s taking care of it.’”
I guess different people work differently. Grant and I believe that all decisions that affect us should be discussed between us. He holds my opinions in high esteem and consults me when anything comes up, as I do him. Sometimes he even decides to do what I think we should do rather than what he first thought. As it happens, I am the financial manager for the family. I am much more experienced in finance and business than Grant is, and we agree it is my strength. Both of us feel that sharing information is essential. While needing to know to stay in control, because you don’t really trust him is an issue, needing to know because the two of you are a team and agree to partner in that way, is entirely different. I think that is about mutual respect. Neither of us withholds information. I am very much an active participant in this marriage and am expected to and choose to yield when Grant makes a decision. He does not, however, keep secrets, do big things without my knowledge, or make unilateral decisions without asking what I think. He has more respect for me than that.
“I feel that agreeing to a DD lifestyle doesn’t mean I give up my voice, my interest in our life or our partnership.”
Exactly! I am not sure why you would ever think that, but deciding he has the final say, if you cannot agree, is not the same as giving up your voice at all! Now I am sure there are couples in power exchange relationships where the submissive does do just that, give up her right to any say, input, control or power, but that is not us.
As it happens Ginger, who is also in a DD marriage with her husband Zed, just wrote a post on the subject entitled Passive or Submissive? It’s worth a look!
“How did you do it??”
That’s a complex question but I am going to try to answer as honestly as I can. First, I “did it” slowly and over time, step by step. Honestly, when we began DD, it was almost 20 yrs into the marriage and 25 into the relationship. This September is our 5th DD anniversary. ‘It’ took time and growth and effort. We made mistakes and worked on communication, and cried and laughed together. We also made an agreement to just keep going, no matter what. We realized that what we were building, though not perfect, was so much better than what we had before.
I am naturally very independent. I was raised to be that way. I am educated, a leader in my career, and somewhat of a control freak, frankly. On the other hand, as I said in my last post, I happened to marry a very traditional and very naturally dominant man. There was lots of conflict and it was very detrimental to our marriage and our ability to feel intimate, loving, to enjoy each other on many levels. The power struggle was always there and often in the way.
I think several things happened for me that caused me to first ask for this lifestyle and then to be able to work successfully towards achieving it. (And btw, we still work hard at it all the time, and please trust me, I have my challenges!) The asking had to do with a realization on my part that me winning so often in our power battles left me disappointed in myself and also diminished my respect for my husband. It is in my makeup to feel that as capable and powerful as I am, I need to know my man is more powerful than I am. Now this is tricky, because I also did not want to lower myself to allow him to win! I’m not playing that game. I need to be more honest with myself than to make our marriage a game. On the other hand, when I took a close and brutally honest look, I realized that I was not always being fair to him, that many times he just gave up in frustration, just stepped away , that him stepping aside is not the same as me winning. I am not sure if I am being clear enough here, but the point is, no leader can lead a woman who is unwilling to be led. I had to be willing. I had to understand that this was on me to change me, to accept his dominance, and be willing to follow.
The other thing I had to do was too learn to keep my eye on the ball. I recall from baseball practices the coach’s mantra “Keep your eye on the ball!”. Don’t get distracted by the pitcher, the catcher, the bat….focus on the target. I figured out that my target was a happy, intimate, loving relationship with my husband. Hitting that home run required me learning to not get distracted by small conflicts, his bad day, my PMS, some quirk he has that irritates me, or winning some small debate that in the end has virtually no importance. I have learned to ask myself how important is the issue compared to our goals? How does being right weigh against being happy? Is this issue worth debating, arguing over, winning…even talking about? Very often when you step back from the emotions of the moment, it is close to meaningless.
On the other hand, there are things worth fighting for, and while I try to maintain a respectful posture and tone, I will say what I truly beleive needs to be said, and argue if I feel I have to. One place where it happens too often is over our children. A mama bear doesn’t often step back from her cubs and I can’t help it. Sometimes I am wrong, because he happens to be a wonderful father and love our children as much as I do, but when my mama hackles go up, sometimes I just can’t control it. And there are times when I just wouldn’t if I could. I WILL fight for my babes! I believe, and Grant tells me, he appreciates that I am a woman who speaks her mind, who has talents and opinions of value to offer, and who will let him know if a line has been crossed. He is truly so attentive and works hard to be tuned into me, but if and when he steps on my toes unintentionally, hurts my feelings, plans to do something that I feel would be detrimental, he expects me to speak up, and he listens. And if he misses the listening part, I say it again! :) It is always up to him what he does with the information he gets. That is the prerogative of the Head of Household, the boss, the captain of the ship. However, a smart captain listens when his first mate has something to say!
Again, I think every marriage, every partnership is a little different and you need to talk with your husband to tailor it to the both of you. We have done so much talking and readjusting over the past few years, and we continue to do so. What was right for us a year ago might need to be tweaked a year from now. But here’s the thing, after almost 30 years together we are still growing together, connected, for the most part in harmony, and the love shines. It’s so worth the work!
Good luck Pam!
Sara
Successful Loving
At times reading blogs sends my thinking in so many different directions. I leave short comments, but often the train of thought another blogger triggers can take me off in a long complicated series of thoughts. Things connect in my own life in unexpected ways, and sometimes I will write about it and sometimes it all seems too convoluted to even try to explain.
Last week I read two posts that started me thinking. They are at first glance so far apart and unrelated that it seems like a real stretch to connect them, and yet, the ideas converged for me on the subject of successful loving.
The first was from Life In Motion. In her post “Advice” Sparkle talks about her 6 year old, “the Princess”. I enjoy her reflections on motherhood and hearing about her relationship with her little girl. It reminds me of mine with my little girl, who is now on the far side of 20. I miss those days when my own princess was 6, and remember them with tenderness. After we both suffered through a few stormy teen years, we became very close again. Having a daughter is as much a delight to me as being a daughter was. I was very close with my mother. I was also an only daughter, and cherished that relationship. My mother died at age 54; I was 29 at the time. Then when our daughter was born, our 2nd child, I was thrilled to have another opportunity for a mother-daughter relationship. I could only hope to one day have the closeness with my daughter that my mother had with me. I think I do.
After reading Sparkle’s post, it came to me that I am feeling a bit sad about some things with my daughter right now. It is nothing bad, or unusual, or even unexpected. Just like she is no longer 6 and wanting to have tea parties with me and her bears, she is also no longer needing me in her life in the way she used to, even a year ago. She met a young man and fell in love. And I want that for her. That relationship seems a good one. They have been together over ten months now, and it is clear that the closeness and emotional connection is growing stronger. She wants to be with him. She feels safe and loved and comforted in his presence. I see that she needs him. She really doesn’t need me in the way she once did, and I know I am forcing myself to let go with some angst and some feeling of regret and loss.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand this is normal, part of life…the separation and growth, the difficulty with the transitions, the shifts into adulthood for her and out of active motherhood for me. But all that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I miss my little girl. The young adult woman who has replaced her is a delight, but I have to stand back a bit, and love her on her terms, give her what she needs. And with this child in particular, it has always been so. My daughter, interestingly enough, is very like my mother was in personality and temperament. She is introverted and private. She is an artist and sees the world in her own unique way, on her terms. She enjoys intimacy, but it can feel overwhelming to her. Even as a very little girl, she needed her space. She was so different from our other children, and to successfully love my little girl, I had to learn to understand her needs and respond to them in a way that felt good…warm and loving and responsive to who she is. I still do.
The second blog that got me thinking was Vesta’s Submission. Vesta wrote a post entitled “Honesty”
She considers the concept of honesty in her relationship and talks about her feelings that at times just quietly resolving her irritation with her husband, on her own, is the best course of action. When she says:
“He always has and always will, occasionally make me angry, because he is profoundly opinionated and profoundly incapable of doing things any way but his own.”
she describes my husband to a T.
Grant is not an easy man to live with. He is a good man, a wonderful man, devoted, loving, giving, romantic and kind, but not easy. He is vibrant and emotional, opinionated and often loud, demanding and dominant. He has a temper, almost always thinks he’s right, and wants to do things his way…just because that is just who and how he is. I spent many years fighting him, trying to subtly and not so subtly shape him into who he was not, in order for us to be more compatible. I was most often unsuccessful, and when I ‘won’ we both lost, because he felt disrespected and devalued and I felt angry that 1. I had to battle for what I wanted and 2. That he let me win, especially if he wasn’t in agreement. It was a true lose/lose!
What I have learned in these past 4+ years since we adopted a Domestic Discipline lifestyle, is to value my husband for who he is. It required stepping back and reassessing him and myself, our needs, and approaching our marriage differently. I my case, I did not need to try to make a passive man more dominant to suit my needs. I needed to try to accept that I had married a naturally dominant man. He is who he is, and truly, that is clearly not changing. It didn’t change though 20 years of arguing and marital strife. He tried to tone down who he is, and I focused on the qualities that were not his strengths. Just not a great approach for happiness!
So I realize that one thing I have now tried to incorporate into my marriage is the same approach for successful loving I rather instinctively used with my children. I began to think about how I could love Grant on his terms. I began to focus more on his needs, the realities of who he is, to appreciate the things I like, and to try to disregard and/or just quietly accept the things I don’t so much enjoy.
Grant and I are very different. He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert. He’s more conservative and I’m more liberal. He’s more artistic and I’m more practical. He’s dominant and I’m…well um, I try to be submissive when it comes to our marriage. I love the man to distraction. He still excites me and interests me and intrigues me. He makes me laugh. He also drives me nuts, and can make me angrier than any other person on this earth. Vesta made a great point when she said her husband “always has and always will…” My guy too. So I need to learn how to love the man as he is, to accept the things that sometimes make me angry, and to oh so carefully choose my battles.
Doing Things His Way
We write and read all about submission, and it can often sound so romantic and sexy and fun. Sometimes it is. But you know, most times it is really not. Most often it takes a whole lot of compromise, sometimes deep breathing and self talk, and even at times, irritation, and then I get through it. Most of what I am talking about involves just boring real life things, too. It’s all well and good, sexy and fun (most times) to be told to go strip and wait for him across the bed. It’s a whole other thing to be told NOT to do the dishes when you are about to because he wants your boys to do them (and they HATE doing dishes). Commanded NOT to come into your bedroom because he and your son are catching a baby flying squirrel that you really wanted to see close up (“dangerous”?) . Told NOT to give your sister-in-law a small cash loan when she asked you in private, when she needs it, and when you want to (he has his reasons).
I am not really complaining, just reflecting that the realities are often small and unexciting, and can involve things that I might handle differently, expediently, to my own satisfaction. Instead I try to remember to cooperate, to comply and I keep the peace because that’s the deal. It ain’t sexy, but it’s real.
A Question On Submission Excercises
Hello to both of you!
I am in a fairly young (2 yrs) relationship that has incorporated spanking literaly from day one. We have explored the ideas of D/s, and use them somewhat, but have decided that a full D/s relationship is not right for us until we are living together, which we don’t now (waiting to be married and all).
Well, we have been reading blogs and such for about a year now, and the time is drawing neigh, and we will be sharing a roof soon.
My question is this; You mentioned in one of your posts that the two of you do not use “submission exercises”. I understand your reasoning behind not using them, but do you have either some examples of submission exercises or perhaps a link? It would be much appreciated!
Best to both of you, your blogs are wonderful and inspiring.
Michael
Sara and I did not at first do submission ‘exercises’. I thought they were too ‘childish’ and possibly degrading. However, I changed my mind a while ago and here is the reasoning:
1. I now understand that submission is a good way to enhance and grow a feeling of trust, and to create a set of boundaries wherein a woman can feel safe. For example, I now often ask Sara to clean up any piles of “stuff” that are lying around the house being neglected. I do not feel comfortable with such piles and so she knows she has to do it anyway. By giving her the chore and requesting it done by a certain time, we strengthen our relationship. She feels attended to and also gets the feeling that comes with getting avoidable projects completed. She can practice submission while actually getting some things accomplished that she might have been putting off due to procrastination.
2. Sometimes I ask Sara to go to our room and wait for me–not a long time, but time enough to get her to understand who is in control…and to focus on why our relationship improves with her submitting to this simple request.
3. I now ask her to bring me a coffee or a drink (not often) whereas before, through many years of our relationship, I had been trained by society that to ask a women to bring you coffee is degrading. Now, I feel differently. For one, I often do little things, and have always done little things like this for Sara. I actually enjoyed showing her how much I cared and respected her. It never felt degrading to me. Now, at unexpected times I will ask her to stop whatever she is doing to attend to me. I understand that this meets a need for both of us.
4. I do ask Sara to dress nicely when we go out. I expect her to keep herself physically healthy. I require her to take her vitamins, and to eat right most of the time. These might sound like impositions, but actually they are not only good for Sara, but good for us and our family to have healthy lifestyle. We owe our health to our mates. There are in the moment “submission exercises” we do, but our lifestyle involves an expectation of 24/7 submission, and daily practice is part of that. She is well aware of my expectations.
5. There are times when I feel that Sara needs me to pull her back from the brink of anxiety and feelings of being out of control. I sense these moments and try to give her a feeling that she does not always have to be in control…as long as I am there to keep her safe or to provide security. Assigning tasks, giving smaller directives helps to remind her that she is not alone in her life, that I will care for her.
The “submission exercises”…assigned tasks, commands, directives and requests can vary greatly. Above are a few examples of every day moments. There are also times I set aside an evening that will start with orders to go into our bedroom and wait, with specific instructions, and evolve into an evening of sexual submission play.
What I ask her to do is not as important as the action I take to become more directive, to assert my authority. This triggers her to become responsive and reactive, to align herself closely with me, to connect us and improve our harmony. It helps her to feel safe, cared for, and content and it helps me to feel like I am in an organically balanced relationship. An organic balance is different from a politically balanced relationship because the former is based upon human intimacy and the latter is based upon external images, intellectual ideas and conforming societal pressures.
There is a lot of information about the balance issues, but that would be matter for another inquiry.
I hope this helps.
The Best,
Grant
Spanking Deprived
Spanking deprivation is a serious issue. When you are used to getting it and then suddenly don’t, well things happen. Dante referenced a scientific study on his blog about the hormonal effects of spanking. I suppose the regular stimulation and then release of certain chemicals and then the lack thereof could cause one to go through a sort of withdrawal? I dunno. I do know that it is not a particularly good mix with PMS.
I am trying to distract myself with cooking and organizing, sorting and decorating, entertaining and shopping. In between that I am online with work a few hours a day. Grant and I have a couple of hours together each night. Those couple of hours are frequently in the presence of 2-10 family members and/or friends, however. Our kids, Grant’s brothers or sisters, their kids all make for a busy place. Grant is one of 11 children. Add in a few spouses, their offspring, a mother-in-law, an aunt…well it grows exponentially!
Last Sunday night I made pizza and salad for dinner. Grant had cooked a big pot of sauce and invited a few people to play poker. I made the pizzas. I figured on 10 for dinner, and by the time the evening was done we had 22. I am not complaining. It is unique and sometimes really nice to be part of a big family. Other times it can be a huge headache. We pretty much keep an open door here at the Ranch, and as long as they come in peace, all are welcome. Last week it was really a nice thing, so we’ll have to see how this weekend goes. Saturday night we are barbecuing. I have 10 people for sure and thus am prepared for 20. Over the years, I have learned. It’s all been part of meshing into a large Italian family.
Speaking of Italian, I also had a really nice afternoon with my Mother-in-law this week. She taught me to make “the cookies”. This is a very big deal. I kid you not, this family has secrets, but they all revolve around recipes! Anything else is gossip worthy, but recipes are sacred! My husband has his grandfather’s sauce recipe. My mother in law gave it to me in writing about 15 years ago. That just happened to be when our youngest son was a year old. A ‘joke’ was made that a daughter-in-law was bestowed with the recipe after she produced her third child. I laughed at their joke, until another sister-in-law told me “Well, I didn’t get the recipe!” She only has 2 daughters and she still does not have the recipe to this day!
Anyway, Grant’s mother’s great grandmother had a recipe for Italian Wedding cookies. It has been passed down through the generations, and she taught me to make them this week. I really did this because I knew it would please Grant. He LOVES his mom’s cookies, and no one in his family, not one of his 4 sisters, can make a decent cookie. I am not sure why, but they come out heavy and dense, not the same as his Mom’s at all. And I made them! I knew I could do it, because I love to bake, and have for many years. My own grandmother taught me and it is something I have a feel for and enjoy. After we were done his mother told him “See, she made the cookies. Your wife…she has the touch!” with a nod of approval. My sister-in-laws are going to have a fit, but there it is. The recipe has passed to an “outsider” and got the Mama’s nod too! Did you know when you marry into a large traditional Italian family, that even after 30 years, you are still vaguely an outsider? At least to the sister-in-laws. BUT, if you have the brother, AND you can make the sauce and the cookies…eh, who cares?
So about that spanking, the spanking that is lacking. They have been few and far between. Our place is full, and the walls are thin. Last year we kept a cabin for ourselves on the property and snuck off pretty regularly, but this summer my Mother-in-law is living there. Grant has been wonderful and I am being seriously ungrateful. Two weeks ago he unexpectedly had me meet him at a hotel and we had the best time. I have never been spanked to the beat of Prince before, which was playing rather loudly on the TV to mask our noisiness. Then last week he made reservations at a really nice hotel in a gentrified town not far from us. We had a very sexy afternoon spanking rendezvous, and then I was wined and dined at a wonderful gourmet restaurant afterwards. It’s still a bit weird to check into a nice hotel at 3 in the afternoon with no luggage except his briefcase full of implements! He’s so very good to me, and I am so appreciative. It was fun and risqué and romantic and so very needed for both of us. BUT here I am a week later, and that was then and this is now!
Long Time Gone
Don’t you hate when your real life gets in the way of your cyber life? I feel so out of the loop! Out of the blogging loop, commenting loop, even the friendship loop. I have barely been reading, let alone chatting, let alone writing!
Life has been full of family stuff and work, and driving 5 hours back and forth to get to work. I have been away from Grant half the week, and even when we are together, we’re not so much ‘us’. I mean we are, but there’s little privacy, little time or space for TTWD. It’s always there, very solid underneath, but we strain under the pressures of our everyday demands, and while things are pretty good, I think we both miss our time together.
Grant is so busy and consumed with his work. It’s really good to see him excited and in his element. I have been driving 300 miles, spending 3 long and intense days at work, and then returning to my family for the next 3-6 days and then repeating. But this time I am off work and at the Ranch for 10 days straight! I plan to relax, in between some couples time, family time, and any number of projects that need doing up here.
‘The Ranch’ is a really wonderful mountain lodge on quite a few forested acres that we purchased, virtually abandoned, 10+ yrs ago. To say it needed work is a huge understatement. Grant has worked hard to restore and develop it. He bases his business here, but making it a ‘home’ falls to me. And that’s been a bit of a push me/pull you effort between us. Submissive wife? Pshh…where? I found myself arguing with him over the kitchen last week. Well actually, he was arguing with me, and while I was soft I stood firm. I have promised not to move anymore large appliances on my own, however.
A few years ago he designed and installed a professional stainless steel wonder of a kitchen. Professional being the lead word there. There was not a stool to sit on, a picture on a wall to splash color, or a typical convenience to be found. He is thrilled with it. What is there in abundance is professional state of the art equipment. What woman would not be happy with a 50 gallon fryer-lator, a separate mop sink, hand sink, veggie sink and 3 dish sinks I ask you? He seems to react as if he feels criticized if I mention a need or lack in that space, and if only I could have photographed the look on his face when he came in last week and saw I had rearranged just a few appliances on my own! I pushed the stoves back towards the wall, moved the fryer-lator out of the way, and since the fridge is on wheels, changed the wall it sits on which helps the traffic pattern. He was angry, but sort of didn’t want to be? Defensive, yet knew I wasn’t attacking? He wants to share, wants me here and for me to truly feel at home, yet this is his baby, his dream, and our visions and needs differ a bit.
What this gets to is the difference between being a submissive wife and a mouse, I think. Or maybe this is just my version. HoH or not, it doesn’t all go his way unless I can find a way to live happily and at peace with that. And on this issue, I really did try for several years. He doesn’t want me to not be happy or content. He wants to be happily married, not a man standing alone with his ‘my way or the highway’ attitude. I think he counts on me to push back a bit, in a kind and respectful way, if he should happen to not be responsive to a real need. It’s not too often that I have to, but we both value that I can.
I do need to feel this is a home for me, for us not just him, to be content here. I need to feel my family is comfortable and there is some nesting capacity, in and around the stainless and other sundry “impermeable surfaces” in that kitchen. We now have counter stools, a spice rack, microwave cart and visuals with color for the walls. I feel a bit better and I think he might be surprised that he does too. The man is so much happier when I am happy! 
When He Can’t Read Your Mind….
We all know how important communication is in marriage, and especially in a Dd marriage. I have not seen my husband in NINE days, and am sooo ready for…well all kinds of things! I really miss him!
So, about that communication…well, I decided I will be wearing this T-shirt when I walk in tonight!
Do you think he’ll get the message? 
