A Committed Spanker!
On Sept 1 Grant and I will have been doing TTWD, or what we call Domestic Discipline, for five years. I often get asked how we manage to keep it going, to be consistent, how we got here. I’ve been reflecting on that, and how far we’ve come and a few posts are in the works, but one part of the answer to that particular question follows:
One of the things that has kept the spanking part of our relationship going is that we …um…well the secret is…(drum roll please) we keep spanking! I know it sounds complicated and even unlikely, but it is a big part of the success. If you want to create a lifestyle around TTWD then you have to D it! 
It’s not TTWDD (this thing we don’t do) or TTWSD (this thing we sometimes do) or TT (this thing). The D is essential.
So unless we are apart, or ill, or there is a major real life event that means we postpone for a day or two, our spanking sessions are very regular because we committed to that. First I guess we had to figure out what worked for us, what we needed, and it changed over time. I have written and will write more about that soon, the progression of things, how it developed for us through trial and error. For now I will share that we figured out that twice a week sessions felt right. It kept us at the place where Grant and I are most comfortable together. At first that seemed to be about me and my needs, but in time we realized it really truly was about us, our dynamic, who we are as a couple together, and what puts us in the best place together. Twice a week spanking sessions is one important tool we use. Once a month spanking might work well for some, others feel good with once a week, we found ourselves in the zone at twice a week. Whatever your comfort zone is, if you don’t keep up with it, the results will not be optimal. Vitamins are designed for once a day. If you take them 5 out of 7 days a week, it’s ok, but not best. It really is that elementary. It has nothing to do with what you feel like that day, if you happen to remember, whether you’re busy or stressed….with daily vitamins once a day is optimum. Figure out what you need to be at your best as a couple and, if you do want to be at your best, just do it!
Friday night was interesting and fun. We finished the last 2 days of Grant’s work project last weekend, and then Monday I left for home. We were apart for several days, so basically it had been a week since I was spanked. In all the confusion, when Grant got home late Wednesday night, he realized that he left our implement case behind. He thought I had brought it…somehow, and I knew he had it. It happens, especially to the over 50 set! ;) I assured him it was no big deal, but he was disappointed in himself, and told me he would be going on a shopping trip the next day while I was at work. Now that’s interesting! My very ‘vanilla’ and my “not kinky” guy (his own self perception) is going implement shopping? I have done most of the shopping up to this point. That night around dinner time he came in with a bag full of his ‘pervertable’ finds. He must have been a man on a mission as he went to both Lowes Home Improvement Store and Bed Bath and Beyond to collect his new tools. He asked me to be in the bedroom by 7:30 PM and went off to relax.
What I found spread across the bed when I went in was an assortment of wood items: 2 wood slats of differing thicknesses, a hairbrush, a wood set of salad servers – the spoon and fork, a thicker wooden “turner”, and finally, a large and rather heavy birch bath brush. Was this evidence of a man on a mission or what? Grant is nothing if not thorough and “Any job worth doing is worth doing well!”
Now, the bath brush has a story. It has taken 5 years for a bath brush to come into our lives. I have always been hesitant, due to the tales of horror I have heard from other gals. Thus I have carefully and consistently deleted the word “bath brush” from any article or story I ever sent Grant, and made sure any bath brushes I brought into the home were clearly unsuitable for any but one purpose…the bath. I suppose all good things must come to an end!
I stood there looking skeptically at the assortment, only commenting that the bath brush “looks pretty heavy duty!” He said “Well, we’ll try it and see.” I have found it’s best to let some things go unanswered. That way when the dog happens to eat the bath brush…oh well. I did point out that he had purchased all wood…and “No leather?” He said Loew’s didn’t carry leather and I mentioned that his belt rack did. He went to his closet and came out with two pieces of horse tack, one a thin long strap, that was part of a harness, I think, and one very heavy and thick leather cinch (saddle piece). What was the man doing with pieces of saddles and harnesses in his bedroom closet? Don’t ask…he’s sneaky!
Here’s the leather straps:
He decided we needed to go through the whole assortment, testing and rating the effect and ease of use. Although effective enough from my perspective, he was not really pleased with the results as he didn’t have a good feel for these new pervertables like his old familiar collection. I thought it was all fine. The big strap is a dud and jingles loudly, the small one stingy, the wood was…. wood. I learned that not all spoons are created equal and the olive wood one we brought back from Italy is the meanest spoon! The bath brush, frankly, was not as bad as I expected! It seems right up there with the ebony hairbrush, although I know he didn’t use it very hard, not this time. Used more seriously, it could be impressive to say the least.
He’s now decided we need a repeat workout today! After all, we’ve learned that practice does make perfect, and he apparently feels he needs my assitance to develop his swing!
A Rose a Day
A Rose a Day Keeps the Divorce Lawyer Away?
Teetering precariously on the thin precipice between sweet and sappy, today comes a story about a British man who has put a rose at his wife’s bedside every day for 60 years. Tom and Joan Shovelton claim the floral gesture is one of the secrets to their happy marriage, along with kissing each other good morning and good night every single day.
The couple met a a New Year’s Eve party when he was a young farmer and she was a member of the Women’s Land Army. The lovers wed in 1949 and raised five children, and are celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary today. The “real-life Romeo” (without the whole suicide part) says of his wife, “I love her to bits — I have done since the day we met.” Joan adds, “We’ve had a happy 60 years together. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.”
What’s your verdict on this happily-ever-after story? Sickly saccharine, or does it renew your faith that Prince Charmings don’t just exist at Disneyworld? We’re happy for the Shoveltons but we (and Dorothy Parker) do have a note to all future suitors. If you’re dating us, replace the rose by the bedside with a big, fat, sprinkled donut. Now that’ll make us a happy woman.
Yeah, it’s sappy, but so what! 60 years….wow!
(except Grant leaves a hairbrush by the bedside table!)
A DD Question….Who’s In Charge Of The Kids?
Sara,
first, I would like to tell you that i think your website is very interesting and written with a lot of good thinking and intelligence. please excuse my terrible English, I am a German woman, married for 23 years and mother of four kids.
Here in Germany the dd lifestyle is not very popular, just the bdsm scene is something a lot of (young) people share. the problem is, the most interest in bdsm is the outfit, the parties, the spectacular actions and pain. there is no scene, that I would describe as traditional marriage, what I think is what we are living! My husband and I live in a dd relationship since 5 years now, it’s a new chance for our marriage, which was a little worn out by the time. now, my husband take much more charge for everything (especially for me!) and we live much more happy together. There is still one problem , where I need some advice:
Our children. the big boys (22, 19 years) still left home for university in other cities. But there are our twins (boy/girl almost 16) still at home. My husband and I have a lot of trouble with the different education style. in this case, I am at no way submissive. Just that I think, I have to be strong leading my way, like I did all the years. It looks like my husband is some kind of jealous about me and the twins, especially the girl. There are ugly fights between us and I always think, I have to protect the kids.
The best time we sped together, is when we are alone. There is a nice harmony and a lot of understanding and love for me. In case, I do not behave as wanted, there are punishment spankings, which I really need.
But for the kids, it’s not the kind of lifestyle, I would like them to know. They would not understand, I suppose. I want my girl to be strong and give her all possibilities in life, she would not understand why woman like to submit!
Please, can you give me some advice, what to tell (or better not to tell) the twins, about the special relation between their father and me, and what to do in education. May be I should give in and let him do, what he thinks is right with the twins, even against my (better) knowing?
I read some of your elderly posts and really find it so nice. you are a very lucky woman, living in such a loving family with your strong husband.
Gymlady
Dear Gymlady.
Please don’t worry about your English as it is so much better than my German!
You’ve asked some questions that are complicated and far reaching. I will try to share my thoughts on some of the issues and questions you raise, but I realize fully that I don’t know you, your husband, or your kids, and families are too complex to make sweeping broad judgments about. I have always been aware that there are real people with real lives behind the screen, mine and yours, and we need to tread carefully and with awareness that real people’s marriages and children may be affected. What I can talk about with more confidence are some experiences I have had that you may relate to. You will need to decide what applies to you and what does not, and then go from there.
As you might realize, Grant and I have 3 children, now between the ages of 16.5 and almost 23. One of the things that was always a struggle in our marriage was parenting. We had very different upbringings, have different ideas and styles. I felt, in my heart of hearts, that “mother” trumped all and in the past I shut Grant out when we disagreed. That is simply the truth if it. I didn’t believe I loved our children more, or that Grant was not a good father. He was always a wonderful and devoted father. However, I did believe I knew more, made better decisions, handled things in the best way, and when we differed in approach, I fought to do what I thought was best for MY kids. I have to tell you, I now think I was wrong to act like that.
We still argue about our kids. That is probably one of the very few areas either of us cares enough to really fight about anymore. Our marriage is too important to fight over unimportant things, but the kids…what could be more important than them? However, as we grew into the DD dynamic, Grant was much less willing to step back when I issued a kid decree, and I was much more reflective about what I argued about and why. I choose my battles. What I learned was this: 9/10th of the things we see differently regarding the kids are not deal breakers. They are usually him wanting to be stricter, to say “no” or set some boundary, and me wanting to be softer, more accommodating, say “yes”. Very few of these issues are ones that will affect the well being of our children long term. The decisions are not traumatic, life altering, or far reaching. It is just the day to day stuff that parents deal with. When our youngest son turned 15, he wanted to lose the ‘bedtime’ and decide for himself his hours. As is true almost always, Grant said no and I said yes. He always says no, I always say yes. Later he often softens, and I sometimes realize I shouldn’t be such a push-over…but that’s a different subject matter! The point is this. Three years ago I would havelobbied for our son and what he wanted. Now I give my opinion and let Grant decide. Why? Because we agreed we would talk about things, that he would weigh my opinions into the equation, but then, if we cannot agree, he decides and I accept that. Being HoH, in all fairness, is not just head of me, or when we are at home in private, but of us, our family, 24/7. At least that is how we liveDomestic Discipline with the Head of Household construct.
Interestingly enough, when I don’t fight over these issues, I find that Grant is more likely to hear me, and to weigh what I say more carefully. Grantshows me a lot of respect and values my opinions. When I have stepped out of the power struggle, he doesn’t always need to insist on his view as firmly, and sometimes he softens all on his own!
Now, if he decides something I really disagree with, I will try to accept it. If it bothers me enough, if I think he is really wrong, if the issue is important, I will bring it up again. Sometimes I bring it up multiple times, and sometimes a DD wife will get spanked for that. But you know, we have to do what we have to do. Sometimes I take the chance that if I push enough, he might change his mind. This is NOT to wear him down, but because I feel I somehow have not adequately been able to communicate what I needed to, or he has not been able to hear what he needed to…and it’s just not yet resolved. Two things can happen: He can reconsider and change his mind having finally heard me, or he can punish me for nagging and not accepting his final decision. It has gone both ways in the past. Sometimes some things just need to be pushed to the end. It is important to have good judgment though, because fighting frequently is not good for you or the kids!
I also think a piece of this is the trust that has grown between us. I have ceded many times when Grant knew he was deciding things in a different way than I would, were the final decision mine. And he has seen me accept that…with or without an argument, but when push comes to shove, I honor my agreements. I think most times that gives my persistence more credibility when I just can’t let an issue go.
There is another side of this. Having said all of that about being a “submissive” wife in a DD marriage, I am also a mother. I take that duty very seriously, and if I feel my child is in real danger, I will fight. I will stand up against anyone at any time for my child. If that means Grant, so be it. I remember we had a very difficult time last year when our older son was so ill. He is bipolar. There was a particular time when his behaviors were very troublesome and oppositional and Grant felt we needed to set some boundaries, and to get tough with him. I knew in my gut, both because of my psychological training, and my instinct, that our son was on the edge of a psychotic breakdown, and I fought Grant to listen to me, to not take any sort of adversarial position. Beneath his anger and poor behavior our son was too fragile. Grant and I had a terrible argument that night and one of the things he said to me was something that I’ll bet every husband in a DD marriage has said to his wife at some point: “Oh, so I make the decisions when you decide, but when push comes to shove, the truth is you are in charge!” He was very angry and I was very hurt. In real, life, marriage is tough, parenting is tough, and DD is tough. What saved us was that we both knew, underneath it all, that we both want what is best for our child and we were so overwhelmed, scared and desperate to do the right thing…whatever that was. Being a submissive wife does not absolve you of any sort of responsibility in life. I knew what I knew, and my son was in a fight for his sanity. I fought for him. My husband did too, but our strategies were different. Ultimately, my husband decided to follow my lead. He yielded to my professional experience. A true leader and a smart man will follow when it is wise! I also believe Grant appreciates knowing the mother of his children will do what needs to be done.
Likewise, I have come to respect Grant’s views on parenting, and to understand and accept that while they might not be mine, they have value and give our children things I cannot. It is wonderful when children have both a mother and a father who love them and have so much to offer. They rely on him and look to him for strength and security just as I do. My boys have a different kind of bond with their father now, and that is how it should be. I am learning to stay out of the way, and to trust Grant to work out his own relationships with them, and to trust them to work out their own issues with him. That empowers everyone, and it means that I don’t have to manage everyone all the time! That makes for a healthier family life.
Regarding your question about what to tell the 16 year olds at home. We just don’t talk about our intimacies or our private life with our children. We have discussed the relationship dynamic. They do know that we have agreed that my husband is HoH, that we discuss things, and when we cannot agree, we agreethat he has the final say. I can only hope they do not know about spanking or punishment. There have been small slips, and things have been said by mistake, but we don’t go into it, and they don’t ask. I would no more discuss spanking with my 16 year old than I would lubricants or my feelings about oral sex. Our sex life is ours alone, and we beleive it can only be disturbing for him to be included. We try hard to be discreet and to keep that all private. In my opinion, spanking IS sexual, is a kink, and should not be discussed with your teen children.
I hope some of this has helped and good luck to you!
Sara
“Road” Rage
Hmmm, don’t you wonder what gets into people who hold down their horns, yell obscenities out the window, dump nastiness on strangers? The other day someone gave me the finger. Why do people do that? Don’t they realize what that makes THEM look like? It’s kind of sad, actually, and I can’t help but feel sorry for people who have enough anger and frustration inside them that it just spills out.
I do know that I just don’t want that sort of negative energy in my life. I won’t allow myself to be tromped on, but when someone else chooses to go low, be mean or condescending, I try not to let that change how I will conduct myself. I remember that I can only control and account for myself and my behavior. Respect is about showing respect for everybody, and for myself.
I would assume I did something to someone if they gave me the finger, but usually the finger waver is a stranger, not even a friend or acquaintance. Most often it’s silliness. Maybe they’ve had a bad day, bad year, a bad life? Maybe their boss wrote them up or they didn’t win the lottery?
In this case, the guy with “road” rage was another blogger. Oh well. When I get the finger I have to just smile and wave. At least one of us feels good about themselves! But, still, it is a shame…..
Spanking and Weight Loss
The spanking diet has been quite popular in blogland this past year or so. Many have used punishment spanking to help them focus on their goals with some serious success. Todd and Suzy feature a weekly spanking diet update for a bunch of dieters on their American Spanking Society Blog, and I know I Gal from Spanked Italian Gal and ~N from Living Domestic Discipline have had great success too.
I have long needed to lose weight, and frankly, have battled with that most of my adult life. I am dubiously blessed with more of a Botticelli rather than a Twiggy physic. Curves happen. I happen to feel, like many women of our culture that too much of a good thing is too much. My husband pretty much disagrees, which both makes me feel much appreciated and shake my head in wonder, at times.
Anyway, after three children and then two rather serious back injuries that laid me up for a number of years, my weight increased to the point where it was unhealthy. As it happens, I also was diagnosed with a digestive disorder right after we began our DD life, which resulted in my being prescribed a medical diet and told that losing some pounds would help with the back and internally.
My body image has always been tied up with emotional stuff; self esteem sense of worth, attractiveness. When I began to earnestly try to diet (for the 59thtime in my life) this was the first time I allowed Grant into my head-space on that subject. I was never too comfortable being a woman who looks very female in a world that seems to value an asexual look. Grant always assured me that he strongly prefers “a woman who looks like a woman”, but the media tells us slim is sexy, breasts and hips are to be “barely there”, and well…where do you put them?
Anyway, I reluctantly began to let him in on this issue, because, frankly, he insisted. He reminded me that I had promised that health and safety were the two non-negotiable issues for us now, that whatever he says goes, no arguments. We started DD with that negotiated agreement. It was really hard to even discuss body things with him, but I tried. I was embarrassed and felt badly about myself, so wanted to keep the doors shut. I had for so long. Slowly we began talking and ventured into discussions that changed boundaries and ultimately he set some rules. I knew then I could not handle discussing pounds with him. I was too vulnerable. What he determined had to happen, no matter what, was the medical diet and regular exercise….for my health. We left the weight loss to me. I kept it a private effort for a long time.
Along the way, as our marriage changed through our journey into DD, my view of myself and our relationship began to grow and evolve too, and I found myself more in tune with myself, more assured of my value in his eyes, and I think just more secure in general. My attitude changed entirely. I went from being a woman who firmly believed my body was none of his business, to believing that in some ways my body belonged to him right along with my heart. I began to feel that I owed him to take care of myself in every way I could, and the weight was just a small part of that. At some point I even realized I wanted to lose weight for him.
I had already lost about 10 pounds in the first year, just by watching what I ate and regular exercise. I now became more committed to losing, for me, for him…because I wanted to. I really just wanted to, for the first time because I felt like I should look as good as I began to feel, and because I wanted to optimize my health and live a long life with my man. I began to feel like I deserved that, as did he. It helps tremendously that Grant is very health conscious and takes good care of himself. He had a few pounds to lose and has worked on that. He exercises religiously, takes a handful of vitamins every day. He is super responsible about himself, and asks of me no more than of himself.
So, back to the spanking. There were a couple of punishments for not taking care of my health. The medical diet (which was no easy thing…no coffee, no alcohol, no chocolate…) and exercise and vitamins were (are) required. There were a few spankings earned on the way to making that a lifestyle change. Ugh, especially around exercise! There was a time when I binged on chocolate and sugar (I also don’t handle too much sugar well) and he imposed the requirement that I ask before I ate anything not on the diet. There was a spanking over that one too…but hey, it was brownies!
However, we never tied spanking to weight loss. Early on, I was not ready. Much later, when I considered it…some others were doing it with success …I asked him. “What do you think? I’ve lost 25 pounds now, and feel good…maybe I am ready? Maybe if I knew I had to weigh in every week and answer to you, faced a spanking, I wouldn’t have gained and lost the same 5 pounds 3 times in the last 3 months?” He said no. “No???” I felt both relieved and maybe slightly irritated. Recently I brought it up again. He considered and the answer has stayed the same.
My husband does not even know the term “Service Top” but in essence that is how I think he feels about it. He uses his authority for what he deems important. He doesn’t want to be asked to spank for this and not for that. Well, I DO say “Not for THAT!” and he’ll ignore me. The point is, although we talk about a million things, and he considers my views, his authority, and any discipline he chooses to impose is his decision alone. He believes it is his job, his place, to do what he thinks is best. If I decide, then who’s really in charge?
I am not saying he wouldn’t choose to help me with something if I asked and he agreed it was important, but I believe he doesn’t see his role in our domestic discipline relationship as being a way for me to take any less responsibility for myself, as a way for me to ‘get him’ to do for me what I cannot do for myself unless HE thinks that imposing consequences will save me or us from serious harm. It’s a sticky thing, when we ask for discipline. Who does that put in the driver’s seat? Is the discipline really being carried out because he is being directed? If so, are we using him, the arrangement, the discipline at our whim? Then are we really the one in charge? I don’t actually know how it works for other couples and I am not criticizing. I think whatever works for you is what you should do. I just know that these questions came up for me, and when he said “no” to my request, I had to think through what it might mean to him to be asked, and what it meant to me to hear no. I know he takes his job as protector and disciplinarian very seriously. Punishing me is hard on him. He doesn’t want to punish for something that doesn’t truly move him.
I haven’t pushed any further on this. I feel that respect for his views is just that, respect. That means accepting his decisions and I don’t really need to understand every nuance of his thinking. I am honestly not sure all that went into this decision. I do know that I have slowly lost 50 pounds over the past 4 ½ years. He’s actually been saying “I don’t want you to lose too much!” for a while now, but besides that, and heath matters, he stays out of it. I do tell him when I have lost a few pounds now, because I want to. He is encouraging and supportive. He sometimes asks if I am “sticking on my diet”, letting me know he is pays attention and he speaks up if I get off track. He tells me to cut it out, and I do.
I guess part of the point here is that “because everyone else is doing it” doesn’t mean that we are going to do it. Domestic Discipline is not a set formula of rules or attitudes or activities. As you go you need to figure out what works for you, as individuals and as a couple. Many of us gals bring DD to our mates, and ask for what we need. We start with us being in control. I think that is how it needs to be. No husband should ever force discipline on a wife who does not consent to that. But after a while, once things are off and rolling, there is an important transition that needs to take place, if the DD is going to grow from an almost experimental role play to a real power exchange. If he is going to be in control, then we need to let go of the reigns and allow that. And he needs to take the reins and not let us pull them back whenever we should feel that urge. And if you are anything like me, you will feel the urge. So I may not always be happy with the decision, but I am very happy that for real, the decision is his.
* Disclaimer: I think I’ve been clear, but just to be extra sure…I am in no way putting down the spanking diet or any couple who uses that and find it works for them. I have been inspired by the people who make this commitment, and their success is proof that they are doing the right things for them. Weight loss is so fundamental to good health, and I am very impressed!
