A Daughter Update
She would just die…or kill me, if she knew I was talking about her. But I need to, to be able to work through my own feelings and not burden her with my angst. And she will never, never, never, see this…right? If anything ever happens to me, someone needs to be appointed to go in and delete this blog! Grant won’t know how, and what if we go together? Hmm…I need to appoint a kink executor…implements, the blog, all need to disappear!
So…the bf is coming. He is moving here. We spent 3 days together. The poor young man felt like he was here for a job interview and a potential son-in-law interview. He is not wrong. We were nice, but it is what it is! I like him…a lot. I had more time with him as I took him to work for an hour with me one day, and then took him and my daughter with me to work in the city the next day. He had a formal interview with one person and met others. He has a job offer…with my company. Really, he showed himself to be thoughtful, smart, respectful and sincere. He has skills. That was all at work.
At our home he was also…endearing. He sat at the kitchen table with Grant and I one morning and said “I love your daughter immensely, and my future plans are to marry her, if she decides she’ll have me, and when she is ready.” Later, in front of her, Grant asked about living arrangements. He explained, “No, we won’t move in together now. And we can’t, even if we were ready, because I have no way of supporting her yet. I am still working on supporting myself right now!” She said nothing, but told me after that she nearly fell off her chair. She had no idea he felt that way, and she has always planned to have a career and support herself (She is her mama’s girl after all!) And early on he told her he expected a girl to work. She and I have had several wonderful talks, about men, about relationships, about her future, about how plans can change.
The young man is traditional in some ways. He will want her to have a career, but I pointed out that he may want her home with a baby, should they ever decide to have one, and she may want that too. He has already told her he wants at least one child. She is uncertain. I told her it is natural, and even a good thing, for a man to think about being able to support a family. But I do have to add, I feel like I must be dreaming. I somehow cannot believe we are having these sorts of discussions at OUR kitchen table with one of OUR children!
He is also protective. Last winter she planned on driving home for the holidays and it was predicted to snow heavily. She called me and reported that he told her “If you have not left by 3 Pm you are not going. You will just have to wait until morning. I don’t want you driving in the dark after the storm has started!” Grant was pleased. My daughter was a bit ambivalent. “Well, I am not sure he gets to tell me what to do and I haven’t decided if I am driving today or not!” She was slightly miffed. I smiled into the phone and said “He is just trying to take care of you.” I do know how she felt! But I appreciated his care taking too. The young man has leadership potential. He loves her, he respects her and he asserts authority when he feels he needs to. Occasionally, she even decides to listen. 
Alone one night, I told Grant, “I think I like him a lot.” He responded, “Yes, I like him! OF COURSE I like him. He’s still here isn’t he?” “What do you mean?” I asked. He sighed, “Look, If I did not like the guy, I would have stuffed him back into his car and rolled him down the hill! He’s still here. I like him.” Ya know…sometimes it just hurts my brain!
So he will be here in a few weeks, find an apartment, and our daughter will transfer colleges, either living at home or on a campus nearby. We will see a lot more of them, and we’ll see from there. I am grateful. He said his mother cried when he told her, and I do feel sorry for her, but also know that could be me. Really, we are very lucky.
Last Friday Ally posted this YouTube video. I had seen it before and it’s really funny…in a horrifying sort of way….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
I clicked on it and started to laugh, and then with no warning, some tears. Please….just give me a few more years before we get there…and please, give them better taste than to ask us to pay for THAT!
What Is “Intimate”?
I know there are things I would tell a real-life casual acquaintance LONG before I’d tell the internet. (Like my address, for example.) But there are (obviously!) things I’d tell the online world long before I’d tell a casual acquaintance. Our lines just get drawn in such fascinating places depending on where we are talking and who is in our audience, what we think they can/should/have earned the right to know, and how we fear they will react to what we have to say – what risk it puts us at to tell them. ~Chloe
Hi Chloe,
That is such an interesting question, one I feel requires a whole post of its own! I hope I won’t offend anyone here, but I am a bit worried I might. I am sorry in advance if I do. These are my feelings, my values, and other people might have really different ones. Mostly, unless they are harmful to themselves or others, I can respect others who feel and act differently.
First, let me be clear, I do feel spanking is sexual. It is most often skin to skin contact on what is a private area of the body. I would no more expect or allow a friend or acquaintance to spank me than I would a male friend to touch any part of my body beyond my hand, a shoulder, etc. And, btw, Grant would literally go after any man who tried. Sexuality is so much a part of all of us. That energy and connectedness and excitement is preserved for one man, my husband. Yes, I do believe that our exclusivity makes what we have more important, enhances it, and focuses us towards each other at all times. I work with many men and am very aware that with nothing “sexual” attached, there is a huge difference between a friendly pat on the shoulder and running a finger lightly down my arm. The latter opens and advances the male-female dynamic between us. My femaleness is special, secret, preserved for him alone. That is just how we both feel and choose to live.
Is spanking humiliating? Yes, of course, in a way it is…or it sure can be. I think that has to do with the purpose. When it is for sexual play, not so much. For discipline, submission, punishment, yes there is an aspect of humiliation. And I think I have talked about those feelings. We do not overtly engage in humiliation as it just does not interest us, but the exercise of the power dynamic, that is in itself a bit humiliating for me. Being not in control, bending to his will, has that feel. Maybe humbling is a more accurate word for what we do.
Now, in terms of talking about spanking, I think you will recognize that I am pretty discreet. I don’t go into lots of details and I don’t talk about the sex. What I try to talk about here is the emotional processes that I and we go through; the relationship dynamic and the personal growth. That is my keen interest and the topic I feel most comfortable talking about. I realize I am rather traditional is my thinking. Grant is even more so than I am, and specifically does not want me sharing any “intimate” details. He and I have even differed on what intimate means, and I know others do as well, which I think is the essence of your question. There are numerous times when I have had to run a post by him before I publish it, because I am just not always sure whether he will feel it is too revealing of our private moments. That is out of respect for him, and again, valuing us above anyone else.
I love being a woman. I guess I am rather girlie? I am not prissy, but my hair and nails are done regularly, and I keep my toes painted. I wear light makeup every day, jewelry, perfume. I dress with my husband in mind. Today, it is a Sunday and he is gone for the day. I am hanging at home, and I might put on jeans and a T-shirt if I bother to get out of my pajamas! When he is here…I make sure I am ‘pretty’ for him. I always wear nice underwear 
. I try to look attractive from the inside out. I will take a moment to say, before anyone compares and feels they come up short, this is his preference, my preference, and also reflects that I am past young children and can spend time on myself. There were years when the best I could manage was sweats and a t-shirt, and he would come home and find me with Play-doh on the floor. When the kids were little, there were times when I figured if the house was still standing, the children happy and safe, and maybe food on the table, it was a good day! Times do change. And…I care a whole lot more now than I did in the past too. Then there are women who don’t feel that they like being feminine, and that’s fine. This is me.
I don’t swear. Seriously, I don’t. I used to occasionally, but he really dislikes it, thinks it is “unfeminine”, “unattractive” and I have pretty much learned not to, unless I am on a tear. And he then deals with that. I do feel better about me this way. I LIKE being feminine! So what is my point? To me, being discreet with my sexuality is one part of my femininity. It is also part of my allegiance to my husband. He requires this, and I freely offer it.
I was born in the 50’s, grew up in the 60’s and 70’s in the era of ‘free love’, ‘no boundaries’, ‘let it all hang out’. I guess the truth is that I was never quite at home with that, but it was the thing to do and I tried. I finally tried really hard, in fact. One time only, in the summer of 1980, pushed by my girlfriends, I finally had a ‘one night stand’! I know…it’s hard to admit. I remember my roommate complaining “I told you to bring him home. I did not tell you to keep him!” I have been with that man ever since. He later told me it was all over the moment he saw me. He knew I was his. It took me several more years to figure that out. In truth, the fires burn bright between Grant and I and always have. We are very lucky that way. I remember my parents who were married 30 years when my Mom died. I was never privy to their intimacies in any way, though I saw happy and less happy times in their marriage. But I always knew. I could see, even as a child, that there was a secret and intense love affair between them. That is what Grant and I have. We will have been married for 25 years this spring. We have a secret and intense love affair. I just can’t and won’t tell the details. It would take something away if I shared that with the world at large. And, no, I don’t even talk very much about the details of that to my best girlfriends. Some secrets are meant to be kept, I think.I am finding it a bit tricky to tease out the power dynamic pieces from all of this. That is what I most want to talk about. That, and the male–female energy that is supported and enhanced by TTWD. For us, it is through the ritualized spanking, the discipline dynamic, the sexual interactions, and all sorts of little passing moments between us that all together create the power exchange we live with. I guess I feel there is a way to talk about that without getting into the details of our sex life, and in a way, the details are almost a distraction from the main event! Anyone can post pictures and give graphic details. Please don’t get me wrong, there are some tasteful pictures that I enjoy looking at! But it is the stuff under the surface I am digging at, trying to tease out and understand.
Then, too, my husband is very traditional, a gentleman, and pictures and details are just not appreciated or allowed! I am smiling as I write that. I adore the man. He is a 57-year-old, Italian, politically conservative, out spoken, take no prisoners, warrior. He irks me and bosses me around, spanks me and cares for me, and he treasures me. He has the softest heart and literally would die for me. In truth, I have the heart of a warrior too, but a female warrior. I am soft, at least on the outside, and (try to be) compliant, and feminine. I have both power in the world and a power with him, but it’s different. The mysteries of the feminine are meant to be mysteries…no? I think maybe that’s for another post.
Chloe, I wonder if this has answered questions or created more questions. I really appreciated you asking! Sara
By A Slip Of The Tongue!
I know we ALL tend to see and hear things where there is nothing to see or hear. We may hear “spank” for “thank” as in “I just want to thank you!” from the guy across the street. I once saw a large sign in a store window that read “PADDLES” in huge letters! My heart pounded…I mean… a kink store right on a main shopping street of the city? On second look the sign read “Canoe and Kayak Paddles”. At least this stuff stays inside our heads!
It is a whole other thing entirely when the gaff is both public, and also my own. A couple of weeks ago my older son brought some friends for dinner. They arrived early, and dinner was not yet ready. My son went down to watch the football game with Grant, while I put together a plate of humus and pita chips to tide them over. As one of the young men walked through the kitchen, I turned and handed him the plate to carry down, asking “Would you like an implement with that?”
OMG! It took me a second to register what I had said, and then quickly substituted, “Uh…utensil!”. He looked nonplussed, didn’t even blink. I guess now I know he is NOT a spanko!
A Jumble of Thoughts on TTWD
When we talk about DD we usually mean rules and consequences and it seems pretty simple. It is often thought to be about behaviors and corrections. But beginning that dynamic takes you places…it can, if you want…into submission and dominance, towards developing a power dynamic in your relationship. There begins to be an emotional connectedness that can grow from that, and a sense of satisfaction and a deep grounding as well.
TTWD can be lot more than spanking. There are things…tones, looks, words, commands, activities, that move me in ways that are powerful, though often not comfortable. Sometimes, when I am off-balance, emotionally shaky, insecure, worried, feeling scared or alone, a spanking session will put my world to rights. That mostly works.
But there are other things we do now. Things I will probably not talk about because they feel too personal and intimate, and I am a little shy. And because they are between us, and because he won’t want me to talk about them. And because they touch me in places that feel a little scary and sometimes raw. There are things he does that I don’t like. He has me do things. These can be rather hard for me. He touches me literally and figuratively in ways that feel almost painful with the vulnerability. No secrets, no walls, no “no”. And yet after, when I calm, when he holds me, when I come back from the places he takes me, I feel settled, claimed, loved, his.
There are times when there will be multiple things, over a day or two. The effect has been to pull me from an emotional drift, leaving me simply quiet in his embrace…literally and figuratively. I think it doesn’t matter what these things are, because they are our things, that move him, me, us…that evoke the feelings and trigger responses. I am thinking if we compared notes there would be similarities and many differences. We each find our own way.
I don’t know what else to say about it, except that this is special, different, deep, good. My stomach does a small flip thinking about all this, but I feel better, safer, more firmly grounded and balanced, than I had for the several weeks before. And it always works that way. I have to keep reminding myself.
Who Wants Cake?
I am in a little bit of a weird place. I got into bed early last night, so tired, but also a little down. I ended up googling “Empty Nest Syndrome”. Grief…it talked about grief in relation to letting your kids go, seeing them grow up and move on. I know it’s time. I know it’s healthy. There is still an ache. It said, “Women who have shaky marriages struggle more” Nope! “Women who are fulltime caregivers struggle more” Nope! So, I am better off than so many! I want to shake myself, “Deal with it!”
I found myself baking yesterday. I bake when I feel anxious, in an unspecified way, around my children. Some inner voice says “Feed them and all will be well!” Thus I came home early to start a soup stock which ultimately became a thick chicken vegetable stew served over noodles with hot biscuits on the side, and a homemade mocha chocolate chip cake with Kahlua butter cream icing. They may be moving on, but they will be fed before they leave! Is that a mom thing? Not sure, but they appreciated it!
My older son came up from the city, with 3 friends no less, and our daughter with her boyfriend, and our younger son and Grant and I. We had to put another leaf in the kitchen table, and I heard them laughing and playing cards long after I went to bed. Those were wonderful sounds filling our house! We have lived in the same home for 21 years now, and I love that. We both always wanted the kind of roots we have created for our children, and I envision being here very long term. We added a 1st floor master bedroom on, and soon the upper floors won’t get used much, but their rooms will be here for them. I suspect we will get quite a bit of traffic for many years to come. Especially if I keep baking!
So our daughter and her boyfriend…so much has happened and not much has been decided. They have talked, we have talked, we have all talked together. THAT was painful! Grant and I are both tense and emotional and not exactly on the same page. I am not sure we even disagree on things, per se, but here’s where we are: bf wants to move down here to be near our dgtr. She wants him to. She needs to decide if she will return to college which is up where he is from. If he moves here he expects her to transfer to a local school. He does not expect her to move in with him, and we were all relieved, her included. He also does not expect her to transfer. It is her choice. He admitted that he wants to marry her when she is ready, and he understands that she is too young to decide yet, but he knows that is where he wants this to go. He also said he had hoped to convince her to eventually settle where his parents are, 5 hours from us, but he is willing to move here. He thought that decision would wait a year or two, but being laid off, it became an option to consider now. So the question is will I help him get a job? I can. I have contacts and resources here. But…at one point Grant said to me “If you give him a job you are as good as marrying them!” He’s afraid, and I get that. Me too. On the other hand, this might be my chance to help them to live here and not there. I want that desperately. We are all exploring and I am taking them into the city with me today to talk to some people. After that he and they will decide what they want, and Grant and I will too. Family dynamics are tricky enough, add in ours and it is indeed complicated!
I also want my daughter to make an independent decision on whether she returns to school away or transfers locally. That’s a big one and I pointed out to them both that she needs to be sure. That if she does not follow her heart, whatever that is, it could backfire on the relationship down the road. He is very mature, steady, he loves her. He encourages her to do what is right for her at her pace. He shows integrity and the early signs of leadership. He loves her and waits with patience. He does not ask what she is not yet ready to give. How could we ask for more for our girl?
So…anyone have any good cake recipes?
Thank You To Our Blogging Community!
I would like to take a moment to thank lurkers and blogger friends alike for your wonderful support on Love Our Lurkers day. Bonnie deserves kudos, of course ,for being not only the originator and organizer, but a steady voice of reason, good sense and kindness among spanko bloggers. I will always admire her and be thankful for who she is and what she provides for our community!
When I set out to blog it was for multiple reasons. I needed a place to express my thoughts and feelings about Domestic Discipline. I hoped to connect with other people who enjoyed spanking, and perhaps employed discipline in their relationships, and decided I wanted to be a voice in this community. TTWD is pretty secretive. There are not many who feel comfortable to share an interest in spanking in their real life. Domestic Discipline is even more suspect, sometimes, than having a simple sexual kink. I have heard “You mean it’s not just for fun? You mean for REAL…oh no way!” And that is among spankos! I am aware that if my professional community thought I was sexually ‘kinky’ it might be overlooked. If I announced a divorce I would be totally accepted. If they understood I live in a relationship where my husband is in control and I am disciplined, I would be censured. Our cyber community does so much for all of us in terms of support and friendship and comradery. That is important to us all!
A couple of years ago there were not many blogs about spanking in committed relationships or marriage that talked about lifestyles that I could envision for myself, or even relate to so much. I waded through the extremes, and what looked like every kink under the sun. I was exposed to things I never dreamed about, and was occasionally sickened by the abuse, harm, and emotional damage that people do to each other in the name of sexual and power exchange exploration. I really believe there IS a place in life for commitment, honesty, engaging in relations that enhance and elevate, not degrade and destroy. There IS a difference between healthy and non healthy relationships, separate from any sexual kink or activity you might engage in. I’ll take a moment to say that I truly don’t disapprove of alternative lifestyles. If they are safe, sane and consensual then “live and let live”! Unfortunately, there are so many who are unable to discern the difference. There is great harm done in the name of fun and satisfaction.
There is also still a place for exclusive male female partnering. Some of us simply choose that, and are not ashamed to admit it. OK, so maybe we’re not as cool as some others. We might look too traditional to be cool, but frankly we just can’t help it. We are who we are too, and I don’t choose to be ashamed of that. There are people who enjoy spanking, who use domestic discipline in their lives, who are just not so far out there on the kink or lifestyle scale. I felt that voice was underrepresented, and I began to write.
What was so wonderful in the comments you all left on LOL Day was the consistent affirmation that you appreciate the message, our honesty, the effort to put our lives ‘out there’ for you to read about. We are very “normal” folks, your neighbor, your teacher, the executive suit you pass on the street at lunch hour. We are a middle aged, committed, monogamous couple with kids and pets and solid reputations. We don’t wife swap, post pictures of our private parts, or degrade ourselves or others. We do have a few straps and paddles locked away, and we use them for both play and discipline.
And then there is the fact that Domestic Discipline truly saved our marriage. We are not another statistic. Our kids can spend holidays with both parents. We found a tool that allowed us to get past the wrangling to the essence of who we are and what we mean to each other. I think that deserves to be spoken about, explained, and is worth a consideration in the lives of couples who may not be making a go of it. Will it work for everyone? Of course not! But it did for us and we are so grateful.
Last week Bonnie asked a question for her MBS Brunch topic about spanking becoming more accepted and perhaps less a secret in the future. It was an interesting question that deserves thought. Speaking out is the only way to move that forward, I think, and I feel just a little bit more confident about doing so, after hearing from all of you this past week.
Grant and I sincerely thank you for giving back!
Recalibration
It is a rainy Saturday with house work and dog washing and blogging; kid carting, horse stall cleaning, and later a nice evening out with friends. I am wearing jeans and a pink rodeo sweatshirt and no make-up. Grant teaches on Saturdays and is gone all day. It is more or less a sleep in and then catch up day for me. Later we will get fancied and wine and dine.
He called on his way home to ask if I needed anything from the market. We chatted a bit about kids, and I might have snapped just a tiny bit. The smallest hint of tension…really. He walked in and pulled me to him, and put his hand where dominant men do. Why is that? The seat of power?
He asked how I was, gazing into my eyes, searching my face. “Fine! I am fine!” “Hmmm, I am going to take a shower. Later, before we go out, I think there will be a little recalibration.”
“Why? I am fine!” “Let’s call it insurance for this evening!”
She Grew Up
Why is it that life doesn’t slow down? Just when I think we are getting a handle on our lives something new comes around the corner. Sometimes, I wish my kids were still small. I love the adult they are becoming, but there is a small ache for the babies they were!
Thursday my daughter told me her boyfriend of just over a year got laid off of his job. She was sad for him, of course. Me too. Downsizing and all that. She is just shy of 21 and he is 25. We like him, and he clearly loves her. They are good together. She told me that as he is looking he wanted to discuss looking here, where we live, where she is. Maybe he should move here. Maybe it is time. She wants him to. They met while she was in college 5 hours away, and now that she is half way through, and taking a year off, the last 3 months have been hard on them. So, she said, maybe he will job hunt here, and maybe she wants him to.
This morning she left to go spend the weekend with him. Tonight I got a phone call. He called himself. He wants to drive down on Monday to talk about the possibility of a job I might know of here. He also wants to talk to us. He said “I know you don’t know the depth of how I really feel for your daughter, but I would like to come for a few days, job hunt, and talk.”
I am not quite sure what I feel. But I know I am not ready. Her Dad isn’t either. Right after I hung up the phone from the young man, Grant called a minute later. A bit flabbergasted, he said “I don’t think she is ready for a committed relationship!” I told him “Honey, I think it’s too late. She’s already in one!” Then I relayed the boy’s words “You don’t know the depth…” Grant said “Well I know how he feels! I know exactly how he feels! He feels she is the best thing he’s ever seen! She’s beautiful and she’s smart and unique! You DO realize how unusual a girl she is? Where is he ever going to find another girl like THAT? A man with even half a brain will do anything he can to keep a girl like that! I just don’t know if he is really the right one for her, and I am just not sure she is ready!” …”We really need to spend time talking about this over the weekend! Promise me we will make the time to talk!” I promise.
We are not ready. That much I know. And Monday they come.
Shhhh…Love Our Lurkers Day!
Shhhh, if you don’t tell, I won’t!
I confess, I was a lurker! For several years I read spanking blogs and never once commented. Why? I was shy. I thought I would sound dumb. I had nothing to say. I didn’t exactly know how. I was shy!
I had no clue that the writers of those blogs would love to hear from me! They didn’t even need me to sound brilliant or informed. Just a “Hello, I am here!” would have made their day!
Now that I am a blogger myself, I have this thing called blog stats on my blog. It helps me to monitor the reader traffic. This is what it looks look today:
Total views: 381,690
Busiest day: 969 — Friday, January 23, 2009
Views today: 587
Comments: 2,230
That means someone makes a comment about 1 out of every 190 views? That could give a girl a complex!
So maybe, just for me, just for today…“Love our Lurkers Day*” …you could say hello? It can even be anonymous. Shhhh, I’ll never tell!
* Thanks Bonnie!
A Question on Scolding in DD
Hi Sara and Grant,
In all the research we have not found anything on ….”lectures”…those certain “talks”… that verbal correction. As much as I am all for the complete TIH/DD relationship, the lectures, commands….those are what I think I need. That fact that he cares enough about me to be attentive to me in a way that takes his time to give me the “talk” or the demand to not or to do something just makes me melt. Am I crazy? I don’t know, but I do know, I need those for sure!
Maybe Grant can help us out in this area? What types of things went through his mind in the beginning, when you started the DD lifestyle during the “talks” or the “lectures” or “commands”? R is struggling a bit as to WHY I would like this after all this time, I think he is starting to understand the need I have, but doesn’t understand a lot of the dynamics to a DD relationship. I am printing things and we are talking all the time about it….just haven’t moved forward to the actual or “rules” “spanks” or any corrections etc.
I think he would struggle if there really is no reason. He mentioned just starting with “Maintenance” but thought…when? How? How often? Why? I couldn’t answer those questions for him. SO, any insight on the lectures, or how to feel comfortable for him to do such would be great. Not to mention…..how do you know ….when to give the first “move to the bedroom let’s talk”?
Any help is greatly appreciated,
Linda
Hi Linda,
On beginning DD there are several posts on the “Ask Sara and Grant” page that I assume you have read? I have written about Maintenance specifically here: Maintaining DD
On the Why? Because you need it, asked for it, and this will bring you closer. Where? Wherever you decide! When? Talk about it! Is discipline a part of this for you? Will there be a few rules? Keep it simple. Do schedule regular spankings for fun, for sex, for practice, for stress relief…you need to get your bearings and learn each other. Play, have fun, and try things and the rest will come once you get a sense of yourselves and what feels right for you.
As to commands and lectures, “the talk”, Grant wrote the following for you:
I try to keep lectures and scolding at a minimum due to my commitment to respect Sara. However, since lectures and scolding do have an effect upon her, if needed, I do try to focus them upon issues that are relevant. Tone of voice is important in any communication or interaction. Sometimes I use a sharp tone to get Sara’s attention then revert to a more calm tone to allow her to listen to me. If she does something that is really seriously dangerous, or that hurts our relationship, I tend to give a lecture that corresponds to the moment. I have to admit I do not like scolding.
I do try to choose my words carefully when communicating with Sara. I do not really like the term “commands”, although in very stressful times or when security is at stake, I might command. However, generally, by listening, gaining trust, and showing Sara I understand her needs, I usually get her to understand the importance of adhering to “our agreement”. She generally cooperates willingly as opposed to by rote ”following rules”. I try to not infringe upon Sara’s basic dignity and I resist the temptation to scold and/or lecture her when I can. I do spend a lot of time talking with her about our issues and what makes our relationship work and what we agree to avoid. I especially do not want a woman who is sub-servant, slave-like, or one who lacks self-respect and dignity. We are partners in this, as in all things.
It is a balancing act to maintain leadership and also to make sure Sara knows I am going to do what I can to respect her. As far as corrections are concerned, in thinking on the punishment process–also do not forget the importance of regular maintenance–it keeps you close, keeps the dynamic intact and can be a place for intimate conversations about the status and progress of the relationship.
I am told I am much more commanding then I realize and I believe it. However, I do not gauge myself so I am unaware most of the time. I think that many women respond to commanding men. I am in a position of authority in my professional life and I do think it comes naturally to me. I do not always consciously take charge of situations, but I do it because it feels right, and especially when I sense no one is in charge, I feel compelled to take responsibility and step up. As far as “Lectures” go, I am not one for long lectures, however, I do make suggestions that Sara considers and we discuss a great deal. I tell her what I see, what I think, and if I must, what I decide she should do. In a punishment situation, I do make sure she is very clear on what she has done and how I feel about it, how it affects her or me or us.
The Best,
Grant
Linda, I will add that taking a commanding tone is a true non issue for Grant. Seeing himself in charge and as the authority, I think, is like breathing for him. That has it’s good and bad points, like everything. Although he says he does not “command” he is actually not hesitant to direct me. On the other hand, he is also very focussed on my feelings and wellbeing. The fact that he has my consent to follow up his authority with consequences has changed things hugely for us, though. He follows through, and I know he means business when he does direct, and he feels more confidence to say them and know he has recourse. He says what he means and means what he says, and thus I take him seriously. He does not need to raise his voice or push very hard to get my attention. I try not to require that of him.
I also want to point out that every relationship is different and every person has different needs. When I know I have done something wrong, I just don’t need to be scolded. I know it. I already feel badly. I am naturally introspective, take responsibility, and tend to feel guilty at the drop of a hat. I do need to hear why I am being punished though, always. Even if I know, I need to hear it from him. He usually tells me and also makes me explain it in my own words, which is hard for me. We always talk before hand, and he makes sure we are on the same page. Talk, try things, and tailor things to who you both are.
I have found a few links on lectures and commands.
“The spanking is only half of what a good HOH will do, by using his commanding voice. Not a louder voice, but one that demands respect, will help with the submission of his wife.”
Domestic Discipline in Relationships:
“Don’t forget the “Lecture.” She needs to hear why she’s being spanked. If its just because you feel like it, that’s okay, but say so. If it’s because she made sarcastic remarks at dinner, then don’t forget to tell her that. She wants to feel contrite and humble, but she can’t unless she knows what to be contrite about. She also wants to feel that you are emotionally there with her. She needs to hear you talk about why you are angry, or disappointed. The lecture combined with the spanking gives her the emotional catharsis she needs. One without the other is like pancakes without the syrup, or biscuits without the butter.”
“There are several reasons why scolding is necessary when disciplining a woman. Firstly, scolding is an integral part of an effective punishment. Without scolding, a woman’s discipline is only half-complete. Disciplining a woman without scolding her is like sowing a seed without watering it. A man who disciplines his wife without scolding her is essentially treating her like a machine that responds only to physical stimuli. If an automobile stops working properly, it only needs mechanical repairs, it does not need to be told why it stopped working. But a woman is not a machine. She needs human interaction with her HOH.”
One last thought on “verbal correction”. Grant and I have developed, over time, communication through looks, through tone, or even through specific phrases that tell me I am on the line and heading over, from his perspective. I asked for that, because sometimes I can miss his cues. The more we have talked things out, the better we understand each other, and then it becomes a matter of cooperation.
I hope some of this will be helpful! Good Luck, Sara
** Mr LDD has been much criticized for his advanced LDD book, and the sort of humiliations he seems to now advocate. I have found his site a good resource in the past, before all that developed. Read with a grain of salt, please. Don’t do anything that doesn’t make good common sense to you, or float your boat!
