What Is “Intimate”?
I know there are things I would tell a real-life casual acquaintance LONG before I’d tell the internet. (Like my address, for example.) But there are (obviously!) things I’d tell the online world long before I’d tell a casual acquaintance. Our lines just get drawn in such fascinating places depending on where we are talking and who is in our audience, what we think they can/should/have earned the right to know, and how we fear they will react to what we have to say – what risk it puts us at to tell them. ~Chloe
Hi Chloe,
That is such an interesting question, one I feel requires a whole post of its own! I hope I won’t offend anyone here, but I am a bit worried I might. I am sorry in advance if I do. These are my feelings, my values, and other people might have really different ones. Mostly, unless they are harmful to themselves or others, I can respect others who feel and act differently.
First, let me be clear, I do feel spanking is sexual. It is most often skin to skin contact on what is a private area of the body. I would no more expect or allow a friend or acquaintance to spank me than I would a male friend to touch any part of my body beyond my hand, a shoulder, etc. And, btw, Grant would literally go after any man who tried. Sexuality is so much a part of all of us. That energy and connectedness and excitement is preserved for one man, my husband. Yes, I do believe that our exclusivity makes what we have more important, enhances it, and focuses us towards each other at all times. I work with many men and am very aware that with nothing “sexual” attached, there is a huge difference between a friendly pat on the shoulder and running a finger lightly down my arm. The latter opens and advances the male-female dynamic between us. My femaleness is special, secret, preserved for him alone. That is just how we both feel and choose to live.
Is spanking humiliating? Yes, of course, in a way it is…or it sure can be. I think that has to do with the purpose. When it is for sexual play, not so much. For discipline, submission, punishment, yes there is an aspect of humiliation. And I think I have talked about those feelings. We do not overtly engage in humiliation as it just does not interest us, but the exercise of the power dynamic, that is in itself a bit humiliating for me. Being not in control, bending to his will, has that feel. Maybe humbling is a more accurate word for what we do.
Now, in terms of talking about spanking, I think you will recognize that I am pretty discreet. I don’t go into lots of details and I don’t talk about the sex. What I try to talk about here is the emotional processes that I and we go through; the relationship dynamic and the personal growth. That is my keen interest and the topic I feel most comfortable talking about. I realize I am rather traditional is my thinking. Grant is even more so than I am, and specifically does not want me sharing any “intimate” details. He and I have even differed on what intimate means, and I know others do as well, which I think is the essence of your question. There are numerous times when I have had to run a post by him before I publish it, because I am just not always sure whether he will feel it is too revealing of our private moments. That is out of respect for him, and again, valuing us above anyone else.
I love being a woman. I guess I am rather girlie? I am not prissy, but my hair and nails are done regularly, and I keep my toes painted. I wear light makeup every day, jewelry, perfume. I dress with my husband in mind. Today, it is a Sunday and he is gone for the day. I am hanging at home, and I might put on jeans and a T-shirt if I bother to get out of my pajamas! When he is here…I make sure I am ‘pretty’ for him. I always wear nice underwear 
. I try to look attractive from the inside out. I will take a moment to say, before anyone compares and feels they come up short, this is his preference, my preference, and also reflects that I am past young children and can spend time on myself. There were years when the best I could manage was sweats and a t-shirt, and he would come home and find me with Play-doh on the floor. When the kids were little, there were times when I figured if the house was still standing, the children happy and safe, and maybe food on the table, it was a good day! Times do change. And…I care a whole lot more now than I did in the past too. Then there are women who don’t feel that they like being feminine, and that’s fine. This is me.
I don’t swear. Seriously, I don’t. I used to occasionally, but he really dislikes it, thinks it is “unfeminine”, “unattractive” and I have pretty much learned not to, unless I am on a tear. And he then deals with that. I do feel better about me this way. I LIKE being feminine! So what is my point? To me, being discreet with my sexuality is one part of my femininity. It is also part of my allegiance to my husband. He requires this, and I freely offer it.
I was born in the 50’s, grew up in the 60’s and 70’s in the era of ‘free love’, ‘no boundaries’, ‘let it all hang out’. I guess the truth is that I was never quite at home with that, but it was the thing to do and I tried. I finally tried really hard, in fact. One time only, in the summer of 1980, pushed by my girlfriends, I finally had a ‘one night stand’! I know…it’s hard to admit. I remember my roommate complaining “I told you to bring him home. I did not tell you to keep him!” I have been with that man ever since. He later told me it was all over the moment he saw me. He knew I was his. It took me several more years to figure that out. In truth, the fires burn bright between Grant and I and always have. We are very lucky that way. I remember my parents who were married 30 years when my Mom died. I was never privy to their intimacies in any way, though I saw happy and less happy times in their marriage. But I always knew. I could see, even as a child, that there was a secret and intense love affair between them. That is what Grant and I have. We will have been married for 25 years this spring. We have a secret and intense love affair. I just can’t and won’t tell the details. It would take something away if I shared that with the world at large. And, no, I don’t even talk very much about the details of that to my best girlfriends. Some secrets are meant to be kept, I think.I am finding it a bit tricky to tease out the power dynamic pieces from all of this. That is what I most want to talk about. That, and the male–female energy that is supported and enhanced by TTWD. For us, it is through the ritualized spanking, the discipline dynamic, the sexual interactions, and all sorts of little passing moments between us that all together create the power exchange we live with. I guess I feel there is a way to talk about that without getting into the details of our sex life, and in a way, the details are almost a distraction from the main event! Anyone can post pictures and give graphic details. Please don’t get me wrong, there are some tasteful pictures that I enjoy looking at! But it is the stuff under the surface I am digging at, trying to tease out and understand.
Then, too, my husband is very traditional, a gentleman, and pictures and details are just not appreciated or allowed! I am smiling as I write that. I adore the man. He is a 57-year-old, Italian, politically conservative, out spoken, take no prisoners, warrior. He irks me and bosses me around, spanks me and cares for me, and he treasures me. He has the softest heart and literally would die for me. In truth, I have the heart of a warrior too, but a female warrior. I am soft, at least on the outside, and (try to be) compliant, and feminine. I have both power in the world and a power with him, but it’s different. The mysteries of the feminine are meant to be mysteries…no? I think maybe that’s for another post.
Chloe, I wonder if this has answered questions or created more questions. I really appreciated you asking! Sara
anonymous said,
October 27, 2009 at 11:09 am
Sara,
I find you so inspiring. You seem so pulled together and I just had to say thank you. I feel like I’ve put some pieces of my life together by reading your blog and understanding your emotions.
Everything you write is so classy and emotionally honest. Thanks for making an inspiring argument for traditional values in an unconventional format!
Keep up the great work!
s said,
October 27, 2009 at 11:30 am
hiya Sara -
It’s morning time! *weg! (Hopefully I’ll make sense)
I like reading your responses to reader’s questions. I like getting to see other people’s views on different aspects and what works for them.
I know that spanking — adult spanking — is generally looked upon as sexual, and may perhaps even be classified that way in a psychological way although I don’t actually know that for sure. I think that the human psyche is so incredibly complex to warrant an absolute for anything. That there are so many things that “generally” may fall into a certain category, yet is not necessarily true for some people. (“I’ve seen the term “denial” used in some of these instances towards someone who maintains that there are aspects to spanking that are not sexual for them and I think that’s a self-righteous cop out in many instances) I know you didn’t say this, or even allude to it…..so please do not take it in a way that I am saying that. Just rambling off from the other side, and the experiences thereof.
For me, much about spanking is sexual. I had fantasies from young childhood (altho not about my OWN spankings….those were to be avoided!)
But there truly is a lot about spanking (for me) that is not. For me, context plays just as big, or even a bigger, role as to what makes it sexual for me. When I am spanked by friends in the scene, for instance, the only way I can describe the feelings is like that of wrestling. Fun, physical. Ok, yes the guy is touching my butt. Have you ever watched high school wrestling? I’ve seen pics of my father on his HS wrestling team. The positions these guys get in, how their arms may interlock between someone’s legs and up and around their belly in a position that I bet most of the guys would not even consider doing any other time for any other reason. In any other situation and context, it would be close, intimate contact. For the purpose of sport, they pushed that outta their mind.
It may be hard to fathom – maybe – but in some ways, spanking with others is for “sport”, and the general context of just fun and camaraderie abounds.
For me, with R, it is different — and it is much more deep and intimate, because he knows and gets to see all my vulnerabilities that TTWD brings out in me. He gets to push boundaries and take me to places in my head that no one else is allowed. More physical intimacy happens than just the spanking itself. It’s the head space that he, my husband, for whom ALL is reserved, that makes it the act of intimacy that it is for us.
As for discipline…..lol….even with R, that is not sexual for us. And I am not talking “overtly” sexual. The sexual component is not there. the intimacy is, but I don’t view intimate the same as sexual.
But I’ll save that for a blog post.
s.
BabyMan said,
October 27, 2009 at 11:33 am
Sara,
I love the way you “protect” your femininity. We all have varying degrees of exposure that we are comfortable with. And they differ depending on our social situations (internet included) and our mental and emotional makeup. Whatever degree of exposure one is comfortable with what what lies beneath – in regard to TTWD – is the powerful electricity ignited by the masculine/feminine polarity. That’s what draws us in. Well, that’s what drew me in. Sara, you’re such a girl! And I mean that with warm affection.
Meow said,
October 27, 2009 at 11:38 am
You’ve said it so well. I probably hint at more than you do but in general keep graphic details and pictures off my blog because it just isn’t us. That magical masculine/feminine interplay is hard to define and that’s the part that fascinates me. Thanks again for stating your position in a way that makes me think about mine! Meow
s said,
October 27, 2009 at 11:41 am
Another thought, further explanation….
“As for discipline…..lol….even with R, that is not sexual for us. And I am not talking “overtly” sexual. ”
I want to expand on this just a tad. Discipline is actually the one thing that NO one else is permitted into with us. He does not discipline others, I am not disciplined by others. We share our discipline on the blog because we do think it helps others understand it better, and the dynamic of it )and many times, we leave very personal details out). But no one else gets to see it. It’s “real”……it’s not “play”, it’s not “sex”.
Discipline is the most sacred to us in this regard, altho sexual spankings (and sex itself) is privy between just us as well. In the spanking department, we seem to have a wider birth between play/sexual;for us, the line between discipline/play is much, much more clear.
I’m gone now, i promise!!!
s.
Mick said,
October 27, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Sara, very well said. I believe adults can express even personal things without being so terribly graphic.
For me, spanking is very sexual and I have intense feelings about it, so much so that I have a hard time actually speaking the actual words. Writing is my way to process what I think. Your style shows a way that can be done.
Regarding the sexuality of spanking, and other more subtle contacts, I agree with you and Grant. It’s only for Lynda and me. For any man who does not respect the proper boundaries with my wife, may God have mercy on him because I won’t have any. (Is that enough testosterone for you?). Also, it’s important that I respect other people’s boundaries, as well.
Marie said,
October 27, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Mac is out of town and I am sitting here in sweats with piles of laundry on the kitchen table, my hair is a mess and my bed’s not made. Oh, there is no playdoh on the floor, but there are powdered sugar, crumbs and starburst wrappers everywhere. Not feeling very girlie today.
itswhoiam said,
October 27, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Sara, i second what the anonymous commenter said. you are so real and amazingly inspiring. for someone who has not yet met the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with, i find that reading your blog is so encouraging. sometimes it is hard to imagine finding someone that you can feel so secure and treasured by while at the same time having that “love affair.” thank you for never compromising who you really are and for continuing to write about all you do.
Sara said,
October 28, 2009 at 4:46 am
Anon, very kind of you. I’ll try to live up to that and I am glad the blog has been helpful!
s, I love your morning comments!
Thank you for explaining your feelings about the spanking play. I was indeed wondering how you would see it. I get the difference because of the relationships, the intimacy vs the friendships. Just not what I would feel comfortable with for myself. I sure get the discipline being kept between you and R. I abstractly understand the wrestling analogy…but always thought HS wrestling looked pretty sweaty and gross! LOL. Thank goodness we can all be different and do what works for us!
BabyMan you are entirely right, we all draw different lines, as we should, that fit us and our relationships.
Meow, I am fascinated by the masculine/feminine interplay as well….and it’s fun!
s, don’t be gone for long! I also do not feel punishment is sexual, beyond what everything we do together is, because we have a sexual union. It is intense and powerful and nothing I could imagine sharing with a man I was not 100% committed to and who was 110% committed to me!
Mick, your comment made me realize something. I do feel spanking is sexual, I don’t think punishment is (for me) but the lines get blurred because one of the things that has happened is that our male-female dynamic has been enhanced, and is more active between us in an ongoing way. That is not about sex, per se, but about energy and connection…does that seem to make any sense?
Marie, we girls gotta have our down days too! Frankly, sometimes I enjoy them!
itswhoiam , I do hope you find your special someone soon. But what you see now we grew into… ‘we’ve come a long way baby’ I promise you!
Mick said,
October 28, 2009 at 7:49 am
Sara, sure it makes sense, and very well said, too.
Grant said,
October 29, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Dear All,
Thanks for the thoughtful comments.
Mick–Well said–my sentiments exactly!
Grant
Deb said,
November 6, 2009 at 6:27 pm
The love and mutual respect that you and Grant share is admirable and shows in the way you post. My husband and I meet over thirty years ago. From the moment we met we each knew that our “chance” encounter was meant to be. Once I met him I knew I never wanted to let him go, so I didn’t. When you find that type of connection in another soul its just meant to be embraced.
Congratulations to you both, to have discovered how to make your relationship as beautiful and wonderous as it is. It is a reflection of how life can be.
Sara said,
November 6, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Thanks Deb, we are indeed blessed, and know it. We have worked hard to have what we do together, but are grateful for the chance, the stregnth, the commitment. I am so glad you have met and kept the right one…a rare treasure these days! Sara