Finding Sara

I hate it when my real life gets in the way of cyber life! Work, kids, marriage…left me no time to write the  responses your comments deserved.  I want to say that the comments were so wonderful! There is nothing better than a post generating good discussion, and all the feedback was very much appreciated! There is so much there, I decided to make it into it’s own post and address each comment in depth:

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Chuck said,   Sara, another well written piece and you have touched on a several major points.

As you may remember, I have voiced concerns here before about me (the man) being this all powerful creature in the relationship. I don’t believe this is possible for any person. In a relationship, one partner is always stronger in some areas and weaker in others and often these are complementary to our partners. I believe that as part of TTWD, each partners strong areas need to be agreed upon as part of the TTWD agreement. For example, if one is better at dealing with child issues, maybe the roles need to be reversed when dealing with children. In other words in your case, Grant needs to cede control to you without argument in these places. Of course, you will listen to his opinion as intently as he listens to you in the situations where he is in control but the decision is ultimately up to you and he will follow you in this circumstance. There needs to be some kind of balance of control. This does not negate his HoH position at all. It is like a strong boss allowing a trusted and capable employee to take the lead on an issue where the employee has a strength greater than his. However, at the end of the day, he is still boss.

Can a man “really enjoy” punishing his wife? I don’t think so and here is why. Punishment is not enjoyable for ether party. When a man starts to enjoy punishing his wife, it has turned into a kink and is no longer TTWD. I believe that even in a spanko relationship, if it is real punishment for a real transgression, even a spanko would not enjoy the punishment aspect. However, I will like others comment on this subject.

As for the comment about women not wanting to ask for what they want, this is an issue that men have confronted since the beginning of time. As men age, they understand this issue more and more but it can still confuse us at times when we don’t understand the entire need or don’t catch it at all. Without turning into an abuser, there is a fine line that men must never cross. So when your man does not “get what you need”, it is sometimes caution on his part. Grant probably knows you need something but is not sure what or how strong you need whatever it is you need. This need can be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to being thrown down on the bed, spanked, and taken without regard to any resistance you may put up.

Also, you have to remember that in general men are physically bigger and stronger than their partners. We can often take you physically at any time we want and we all know it. In a relationship, this is a great capability but is also a great responsibility. We must use enough strength to take you to some invisible and moving line, without crossing over, and back again. I am a big strong guy and I know I must never use all my strength against a women, even in play, because that would turn me into something nobody wants and possibly injure her in the process. Then we would not be able to play the next day.   

I hope all this helps.  Chuck

Chuck, you make several interesting points. I guess you are right about men enjoying punishment. Punishment for play is about kink. Real life punishment in TTWD is very emotionally intense and difficult. It revolves around real problems between the couple and how can one enjoy that? It is like asking of you enjoy a real marital argument.

I think you are very right about a man not knowing exactly what his wife might need in the moment. Heck, the truth is sometimes we don’t know ourselves. At the same time, often we feel we have communicated and are not heard. We have worked on our communication skills, the language we use and how we understand each other, and there has been much progress. Still, we sometimes miss each other.

Regarding using your strength, Grant would never physically force me into anything. If I do not accept willingly, if not happily, what he tells me to do, even discipline, he waits until I can willingly submit. That is part of his expectation of me, and it offers us both the protection of knowing there is full consent.  Sara

Ally said, Sara, I think that your thoughts on P coincide with your thoughts on needs and how men and women get them differently are related. Women have a bit of control over earning punishment or not. We either earn it or we don’t. Men react with punishment to our action or lack of. My husband wouldn’t punish on a whim. I’m glad that men don’t enjoy punishing, and I don’t enjoy being punished, more so because of the feelings of guilt than the pain. Let me go back for a minute, when I feel neglected, unattended, there is usually a good reason, life is busy. I feel selfish asking for what I need sometimes. I hate asking. However, I think that a P is the only kind of spanking that we can “earn” without “asking” and it demands the attention of our partner. Perhaps this is why we crave that scenario – the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it. Just a thought…

Ally, I am still not sure why we might crave punishment. I just know lots of us do…at least in fantasy. Yes, “the attention, the emotional aspect, the reconnection, all there without us asking for it” happens, but I suspect it is also the level of intensity that speaks to us. There are typical couples who go through cycles of knock down drag out fights, and the underlying cause is the fire it ignites between them. I think it might have to do with a need to be taken to the edge of loss of control and intensity. I know that when we engage in more D/s like activities, it touches a similar nerve. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know! :)  Sara

Serenity Everton said, Have to think before I give a complete response but, fyi, you were correct about Chris. He does not care to punish me, he does it because I need him to – because it absolves guilt, clears the air, allows us to resume emotional intimacy…

Now, spanking me for little things, or for D/s infractions … he’s all over that and usually with a grin on his face. It’s hard to feel guilty about those when he’s looking forward to the aftermath so much. lol.  S

Serenity, I know you are busy writing wonderful stuff, but sometime I really would love to know more about what you think! What you said about Chris is very interesting. It could describe Grant, except that instead of spanking for little infractions, he just spanks for nothing, and because he feels like it, and because I need it, and because it is Tuesday. Mostly that works for us.     Sara

Marie said,  Sara, this is such a dilemma…as you have said. I can really relate to the intensity of the need to feel completely overpowered and truly punished. And like you, I think it would be dishonest and ultimately unfulfilling to pick a fight or artificially set myself up for being punished.

However, it’s also a form of dishonesty to put on an air of calm and contentment, or submissiveness when underneath you are roiling with anger and need. Practiced perfection isn’t an honest reaction to feeling neglected and unseen. Putting up walls and hiding, while often being more polite, doesn’t have any place in the type of marriage that you and Grant are striving for.

For instance, if Grant were to ask you this evening if you’d exercised today, the polite response might be “Yes, dear.” But the honest response, based on your inner-turmoil and angry(ish)-ness might be “Bite me, Grant!” I’m not saying that the first thing that jumps to mind is necessarily the thing that must be said, but this studied air of calm complaisance and submission seems to be a sort of cop out when it comes to engaging in a real relationship with your partner. There are plenty of times when calm and contentment ARE the real feelings, but when they aren’t, don’t pretend.

And for Grant, his polite reaction to your anger might be “I can see that you’re tired and out-of-sorts tonight, Sara. I forgive you.” But the honest reaction would most likely be to march you into the bedroom and lay into you with a paddle.

Women are emotional, irrational, high-strung and passionate. If you need Grant to unleash his male-ness on you, it would be fair to say that you need to be more honest in sharing your less studied and practiced female responses with him.

Please forgive me Grant. I am not trying to “start” something. I am just saying that for Sara to put up walls and hide her true feelings is destructive to the relationship in it’s own way. It’s good to be polite. It’s important to share our best selves with our spouse. But when our honest reaction is to yell and pout because we are feeling insecure, unstable or misunderstood, then so be it.

Please tell me if I am wrong. I am completely willing to be wrong, but I think that studying less and feeling more might be okay now and then.

Marie, First, I always appreciate your candor! Second…well I have mixed feelings about honesty within a marriage vs. letting it all hang out. I really do strive to be honest. I don’t keep secrets nor am I allowed to. We agreed on that a long time ago. And I am not talking about not being entitled to my privacy, but anything that affects me and will affect us needs to be shared. If I am acting like something is wrong and he asks and I say “nothing” that does not fly. On the other hand, to take your example, if he asks if I have exercised and I am grumbling inside but answer nicely, that might be an effort in self discipline that is needed and desired. The issue is if I hide something that is emotionally significant. Am I grumbling because I am truly resentful and we need to talk? Or is it that I am just cranky but it will pass? I feel I do need to act like an adult within my marriage!

The self doubt about the honesty came when I chose to accept, wait, let things go, and the discontent grew from something small to something of significance, and I spoke up, but softly, then said more, thought I was heard, but apparently not…and on and on.  This time it ended up in a miss between us. However, Grant later told me, after we talked, that he realized was really off himself. He was not feeling great, not as focused, and he had not directly told me that either. Sometimes, we mess up.

I will be more carefully watching myself to see if my stellar behavior becomes a problem going forward! ;)  Sara

BabyMan said, Sara, thanks for the post.

“Small infractions do not cut it for us. Not only would Grant not punish for them, but I have been there, being spanked for something I didn’t buy into.”
I’m pretty certain – even in our infancy with “ttwd” – that I could never bring a real punishment upon SugarAnne for a “small infraction”. Punishments for small infractions are, for her, a cleansing; for me, a way to vent my accumulated frustration and for both of us a way to enjoy reconnection, intimacy and ultimately tender and passionate lovemaking. A real punishment, I suppose, is too heavy for lightweight stuff. In the same way you look forward to it – and not. That’s the same way I look forward to it – and not. I wonder if I’ll be able to when it is indisputably necessary (and desired).

“Does he need to punish? Do any of you dominant partners find yourselves really wanting to punish your partner?”
I think I “need” to punish in order to move our “ttwd” relationship forward. But it is not an aching personal need. I did however notice that earlier in the week my “A game” was beginning to slip and I felt the bona fide need to spank SugarAnne in order to reboot it. I was concerned that I would be lifting myself up by putting her over my knee. There was no small infraction upon which to punish so the need led to an erotic spanking and passionate love. We both enjoyed that.

The day that a need for punishment rears its (ugly? pretty?) head is the day BabyMan finds out what he’s made of. My “need” is: I want to be able to punish when necessary.

BabyMan, I am pretty sure every dominant partner in this sort of marriage faces the same concerns.  Grant has told me it is really really hard to do what he must, what I need, what we agreed to, if a true punishment is called for. On the other hand, a failure to carry through would be emotionally devastating to me.  When we enter into TTWD we let down our walls and agree that you will care for us. To keep us safe in all kinds of ways, we need to know we can count on you, trust you, give up all control. Any seed of doubt has huge impact and the walls naturally go up. When you see the positive impact on the relationship, it will help a lot.

As for the need to spank and/or be spanked, that is why we do lots of other kinds of spanking very regularly. It hugely takes the edge off! The truth is, after we talked, and I got what I needed from Grant, which was a long hard spanking, I became totally settled. It is just astounding how that works!   Sara

Mick said, Sara, I believe it is a sign of maturity to act in the way you think is good, even if you don’t feel like it inside.

On the other hand, it is also good to acknowledge your inner feelings, and I’m sure Grant wants to hear about those, even if you’re busy and have to schedule it in.

I wasn’t sure exactly you were talking about when you said you didn’t like saying what you need. But you also know that one of the things that frustrated men who love their women is that they can’t know without being told. And sometimes even when words are used, sometimes we still don’t get it. I’m considered perceptive, but I often don’t get it either. I really appreciate it if my wife will verbalize what’s going on (you gals are supposed to be good at that, I’m told).

Finally, could you help me with some clarification? You mention a need to a Punishment spanking even if there is no action on your part to warrant it. An intense spanking without the punishment aspect is not always adequate. If the physical act is the same, what makes the difference? Is there some generalized guilt that needs to be assuaged? Do you need the husband to scold even if there is no reason to?

As always, you write thought provoking posts and I always look forward to them.

Mick, I agree, there has to be a balance between holding in feelings appropriately and letting out things that need to be shared.

Yes, I know we women can be frustrating, but sometimes it is very hard to just come out and say what we need in a direct way. It is not quite comfortable for us. Women generally communicate differently, more subtlety, indirectly, using more emotional and descriptive language. We think we have told you, and you don’t hear the meaning behind the words. It is the male/female divide.

On your question about punishment: A true big punishment spanking is much worse (literally harder) than any other kind. Lesser punishments might not be as intense physically as a maintenance spanking. The intensity is emotional. I am not sure about your quilt question. I am a Jewish woman, ergo I am always a bit guilty. That was not intended as a joke, btw! I know other women…Serenity and s, for instance, who are not Jewish, and don’t talk about their guilt, and who do fantasize about the punishment scenario. Most spanko literature that women read is about that dynamic. The heroine earns a punishment spanking and it is delivered. I suspect like romance novels are about a virile male overcoming a saucy, spirited or resistant female, spanko literature tells the same tale in spanko terms.  That leads me to think the punishment scenario is the purest expression we have of a Jane and Tarzan dynamic?

s said, I am in this exact spot with R, and could have written this post myself.

Thanks for writing it. I could not, I don’t think.

R does not like to punish me, which is why I think at times he “seems” to be looking the other way when he really should put me in my place, so to speak. I am pushy and assertive (altho I try not to be in certain areas), and the more he ignores it the more out of control, uncontained, and needy i feel. Then, like you, I start erecting walls, so as to not expect what I need in order to not be disappointed when it doesn’t get fulfilled. Then I, like you, get angry. At myself for needing what I need, and he being the one who provides it. And angry at him for not getting it sometimes. Like you, I don’t like the way I feel when I feel like this…..so I push it down. Do the “right thing”. iron the shirts, cook the meals, yet….at a distance……

Sometimes I wonder…..do we really need our heads?? I mean, honestly…    s.

s,  I think we occasionally struggle with Grant looking the other way too, although we have talked about that so much that it doesn’t happen as often anymore. He wants to give me the benefit of the doubt, and for things to be peaceful between us. However, he also knows the results, as you describe, an increasingly out of control, freaked out, and insecure wife! One DD husband described the man’s choice as “Pay now or pay later!” i.e. It is not like ignoring her faltering is going to make it all go away, and if you require her to rev up before you intervene, you do no one a favor. Sometimes I wish I didn’t react like this, but I do, and so do you and all the other DD wives I talk to! Either we are a particular breed or it is that we allow our husbands control, and then simply learn to depend on them for that!  Sara

Vanessa said, A poignant post, Sara. No easy answers, but your ponderings reflect my reality as well. Thanks for sharing; it’s nice to know I’m not alone!   Vanessa

Venessa, thank you. I think from the comments you can tell you are SO not alone!   Sara

Chuck said,  Since it is mostly women responding here and not giving clear answers to how men are supposed to interpret a woman’s needs, please give us men some help here.

As I said in my original response, your need may be anywhere from a kiss and a hug to something much more … severe. I have been married and know that sometimes the women does not know herself what she really needs exactly.

Assuming that the man would know the women very well, he would have some idea of the general needs of his partner at any particular time. Therefore he would know a general target to shoot for but what about stepping over the line by punishing too severely. Does this automatically negate any good that he was trying to do by attempting to satisfy her needs?

Also, since an exact hit of the “right” amount of punishment would not always happen, are we better to overshoot or undershoot the severity of the punishment?

After all, in the end, this is all that everyone wants to do: satisfy our partner’s needs to the best of our ability.  Chuck

Chuck, you’re back! Right, we gals don’t always know what we need. I think some of this we learn together by hit or miss. It might sound strange coming after my post, but the answer is to talk and talk. I wrote this post and had Grant read it the day before it went up. I wrote to work out what I was feeling, and then to tell him the things that I could not say. After he read, we talked about it. That was when I found out that in this case, he thought the miscommunication was both of us. I did say things that normally clue him in, but he wasn’t listening as closely as he typically does. I misread that signal from him, and waited. How are you guys to know when to push? How are we women to know when no response means we need to say it again? Sometimes it means you are choosing to not respond. Two people in any relationship is a challenge. A man and a woman in  a relationship can be especially tricky.

One side comment about punishment: I think we all vary in what it takes for us to ‘feel’ punished. That requires figuring it out. But I also think that much of the power for most women comes not in the literal physical “severity” but from the emotional impact. When you create a true punishment scene, how hard you swing the paddle becomes not irrelevant, but significatly less important. Do you know what I mean?   Sara

Lisa said, Then we wait! I have been spanked for every reason, fun, deserved it, if you’re going to act like a child…I will treat you like one, also for P. I remember 1 clearly. I lied to M, it was small but that is not tolerated at all. What I remember most about it was yes the spanking was hard and long, but at one point M changed the implement. He then said I am finding no pleasure out of finishing this but you lied & I have to. I swear M could have spanked me for days and it never would have hit me like those word’s. I instantly broke to tears, weeping. I have to say he looked confused for a moment & asked why are you crying so hard? My answer came out because you are punishing me. I knew I did something wrong, I knew he didn’t want to have to go there, M has told me he doesn’t want to have to punish, he loves me and that is hard. That particular P was about a yr ago. I don’t now remember the pain, the nervousness, but I have never forgot that feeling of how I felt when he said that. As you might remember M & I had to put a hold on our relationship, we are working very hard to get everything back to us. This hold was because of me, waiting, not speaking with him of my need’s, I put my wall’s up, I got angry, I was upset and I hated waiting so needless to say when I did speak it was pure frustration. That caused nothing but sadness for both. I have always found it hard to ask for spankings or what I really wanted. It’s awkward! Why can’t he just know? Because he is really not a mind reader. Shocker to me! But true. We went to dinner last night, after I said I am so glad we went there instead of the other place, that’s where I really wanted to go. He said well you know you have a voice to say what you want to, I said I know, then laughed and said no I don’t know lol. I shared more of myself here tonight then I ever did on your blog, maybe because I know the feeling’s to well, maybe i do want the p’s, maybe just for myself knowing if I don’t ask it is my wall and not his, blocking him from hearing me, & having me sit on the other side of that wall waiting. I’m taking the wall’s down. I want him to be able to hear me and me him. I don’t think any of our men want Stepford wives, maybe close lol. But more so they do want to hear us, just in a calm and healthy way. Sorry it was so long. Just breathe & tell him…

Lisa, I am so glad you are doing better, and thank you for sharing! Yes, you are right that when we shut ourselves off and won’t express our real needs, we do a disservice to our husbands and our relationship.

I also understand the emotional impact of feeling like you have disappointed your husband, or really done something wrong. There is no degree of spanking that hurts like that awareness, but having a process to work through it, and to be forgiven and to forgive yourself is so very helpful!  Sara

 A. Lurker said,   Sara,  Hope you are feeling more settled by the time you read this. As you know, I consider you and your blog very sane and thought provoking. I respect what you and Grant do to create a close relationship. As I read your profound post it provoked some thoughts of my own. They are just points I am pondering and hopefully they come across respectfully as I would never want to offend you. So here goes!

Concerning the “punishment fetish”, that “high” feeling of infatuation with dd vs the ebbs and flows of the long term dd relationship makes a lot of sense, however I wonder if there is more to it than that. Obviously I don’t know you personally but I know many of us woman suffer from that on-and-off feeling of guilt. Could I be a better wife? Could I be a better mom? Is the house tidy enough? That kind of stuff. By the tone of your post it seems like there is angst over feeling needy, a bit of guilt over the fact that you are becoming better at hiding, knowing he is not a mind reader yet wanting him to figure it out. Could there be an inner feeling that if you got that “P” that guilt makes you think you deserve it would wipe the slate clean?

You also talk about waiting because he is dominate and takes what he needs when he decides. This is curious to me because the tone of your blog whenever you talk about your relationship is about two strong, intelligent adults making sure there is communication and being able to respectfully discuss their points of view. Then if there is no consensus he decides and you accept. It always seemed to me that he welcomed your input. You always say you submit to Grant but you are not a submissive so do you really need to wait passively for him to figure it out?

You also seem to come down hard on yourself for being so needy of him and that triggers all sorts of reactions in you. Yet it is also that need that binds you together as a couple so is it really as bad as it seems? I mean, from what you write, you don’t seem to go through other aspects of your life with other people feeling that way. It is something only for you and Grant and I have a feeling, in his own way he is just as needy of you. From the outside looking in it seems like something to aspire to and something that can be very fulfilling. Am I making any sense?

Anyway, thank you for this profound post as I love reading things that make me really stop and think. Again, I hope I didn’t offend as I respect and admire what you do and the courage you have in talking about it. Hope things are on the upswing now.  R.

R, I am always open to your honest feedback, so thank you for that!

Guilt: maybe, although my guilt is not over the small stuff…the house, etc. There are times when I just feel like I am somehow not a good enough wife or mother on a larger scale. Grant would disagree and will be irritated when he reads this, but I struggle with myself at times. I think I have issues from childhood that have to do with believing I should just take care of myself, not need so much from anyone else. I lean on my husband a lot, and he encourages that, but when I something triggers my insecurities, it often plays out in my not feeling like I should need him, his attention or his care taking.

Waiting: Yes, he always encourages my input. But…if he seems not to, if I feel like I have said what I needed (in my own way) and he does not respond, then the feeling of vulnerability increases and I can begin to feel a need to pull back. TTWD leaves us feeling quite naked and we depend on our partner for cover. If his attention looks to be elsewhere, we can get scared.

Needing each other: You are right on the money with that observation. When I am thinking straight, I know he needs me to need him, that we need each other, and the inter- dependency we have created is a wonderful thing. When I feel off balance or somehow more alone, less connected, that need can roll into a fear of being hurt.     Sara

L. said,  “I’ve noticed one of the results of the progression of our disciplinary relationship is that while he’s gotten better at seeing me, I’ve also gotten better at hiding.”

     This comment has been percolating in my brain since I read it. I have been         thinking about authenticity, about showing my true self to my husband.

There is a place for private thoughts. There is a place for overlooking faults in the man we love. But if we are hiding resentment, frustration, or hurt feelings, then it’s better to clear the air, even if there must be a lively discussion or frank argument. Not all conflict is to be avoided –if it leads to greater marital understanding and satisfaction, it is healthful for the relationship.

Some years ago my husband told me, on several occasions, that he didn’t want to hear what I was upset about. It apparently threatened him too much and he was afraid to hear it. I asked him if he would rather have to hear it for the first time in front of a counselor, as that would be where we would end up if we couldn’t resolve it ourselves. He reluctantly agreed that it was better to hear it from me now.

Evidently he came to see that my direct confrontation of problems was a good thing because in the years since, he has been very open to anything I needed to tell him– and has become quicker to voice his own complaints when he needed me to hear them! It has led to quicker resolution of problems and growth in our marriage.

And it has helped us to maintain our romantic attraction to each other, because nothing dampens attraction so much as unresolved anger. (I saw that in my parents’ marriage and want no part of it in mine.)

L, you describe just what I was getting at about finding the right balance between hiding and allowing for privacy. Yes, it is about authenticity and putting the marriage above your own needs when you need to. Thanks for explaining it so well!  Sara

KayLynn said, Sara, So many thoughts. First of all I do not believe that we are the type of women who are so submissive that we would’ve felt comfortable seeking out someone who was a sadist (& I don’t mean that in a bad way – which is kind of funny don’t ya think?!). Ahem … I think that we chose men who were described in the times as Type A’s. We wanted a strong protector that we knew would match us intellectually. I have personally come to believe that on some levels I have recreated some intangible need to be loved by someone who is an overachiever – who – logistically speaking -often has me on the back burner. I know that it is not the case emotionally. Therein lies the difference (the improvement if you will, from one generation to the next). I know his heart is attached to mine. But it is more known than shown. I do believe that he doesn’t want it to be that way – but he is doing what he learned with many improvements. So all that said, we still sit and wait for the chances to be together. And when we have that chance, it needs to be monumental. It needs to be something that will carry us into the next time which we know won’t necessarily be the next day. And they chose us because of our strength and independence.

Second I think that it is very exciting to have that anticipatory loss of control. Everything I’ve ever written is all about those phenomenal moments of fear in a controlled setting. As an aside, Luvspanking (LS) had a wonderful post about the differences between P and D spankings (as well as maintenance and erotic). The D one is likened to someone conditioning themselves in a sport. He did such a better job – check it out. I finally got the nerve to ask Greg to take me to the edge. – LS was great about pushing me to do just that –

The next thing I am going to ask for is Greg telling me that we are going to have an edge night so that I can feel those butterflies and look at him with a bit of trepidation. I flourish under those Dom types of actions.

elle (theoccasionalmuse.wordpress.com) is very wise and has talked me down off of the building more than once over this exact issue. The concept was that part of being submissive is to do so when we don’t feel like it. Whenever I’ve described this to Greg, it is usually when I’m well passed the retrieval point. And Greg finds this to be a criticism of sorts. It’s as if I’ve said, “You’ve let me down!” He’ll usually respond with a ‘get over yourself’ or ‘control yourself’ ’sounds’ like something you need to work out on your own’. If I tell him before I get crazy I have found much better results. And when nothing works out, I’ll read stories and get my “fix” *sighs*

There’s great beauty and pain involved in being in touch with your feelings!     Hugs, KayLynn

KayLynn, a very interesting thought about Type A personalities! That certainly does describe my husband, although in the last few years, I have noticed that truly, he prioritizes me and us so much more than he ever did. I wonder if that just comes with his maturity. I am also a Type A myself, just a variation on his theme. Many times we both wait for each other, and sometimes it gets very hard to put us first. What I did not say until now is part of the reason I convinced myself to wait was all the real life things in the way…work, kids, appointments, him not feeling well…I kept thinking that he did hear me and thought to wait until we/he had time, felt better, etc. Except that when we did have time, it turned out that he had not heard me, Then I crashed! The reality is, as I started with, real relationships, let alone ones that integrate TTWD are hard!

On going to the edge, yes, it meets a real need and there are many ways to do that. I think I mentioned above, it might fill a similar  need that punishment does sometimes, maybe because of the intensity?

Telling him before you go crazy is a wonderful idea! I do try! He has also learned to read me pretty well. If I do go crazy (not misbehaved, just crazy) and he has missed the signs, he blames himself. Now, early on, I think he used to feel like your husband, confused and defensive. Over time he learned that he does hold the key and is pretty adept at using it. Understanding his power and feeling more at home with it has allowed him to accept the responsibilities with more comfort and self assurance, I think.

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One of the things Grant said to me when we talked about all of this was that we have worked hard and we do get it right so much these days, we do talk, I do tell, he is consistent, that when we do go off kilter it feels unusually uncomfortable now. We are not used to being out of sync in this way anymore, and that’s a good thing!

Again, thank you for all of your intelligent and thought provoking comments!

Sara

P.S. I am tired of wrestling with WordPress about spacing and font size! Please forgive the presentation!