Train the Trainer: Dominance 101

 

Several weeks ago we hired a trainer. The gentleman is quite experienced. We arranged to have him came to our home on a Sunday afternoon for an initial 2 hour session. I expect he will be scheduled again for next month.

I would like to share some of session one:

 

Our trainer explained:

“The first thing you need to do is to establish your dominance with her. It is really very simple. To work well together and in sync with you she needs a leader, and that is you.

Be firm, but kind. You are not trying to frighten her, but need to establish that every time she pushes you, you will push back, and a bit harder.

There must be consistent consequences every time. When she is compliant and sweet you reward her with your voice and touch. Praise her. When she misbehaves or challenges you, you must punish her.  You will never be cruel but firm, and will answer her misbehavior with a correction that is related to her misdeed. When she pushes, you push back, a little harder.

The true alpha is a loner and not a good partner; You don’t want to be that. You want to be close, her friend, her companion, but when push comes to shove, you must be in charge, and you can never forget that or she will.

She will challenge you and test. This is not because she is bad. It is natural for her to check to see if there is a weakness, if she can step over the line that you drew last week, or even yesterday. Understand, this is also part of her survival instinct. You see, as long as you maintain your dominance, she knows instinctively she is safe. If a sudden threat comes from the outside, she can turn to you as long as she knows you are the one in charge. If she has been able to push you around, if she is the stronger one, when that threat comes she has no protector. If she perceives that she is the dominant one, when there is a threat she must fight or run. If you are weaker she cannot look to you as her protector, and then naturally she feels alone. So she tests to see if you have what it takes to dominate her, which then reassures her that she can relax and feel safe. When you maintain the control,  she knows when she is with you she is safe.”

    Grant and I listened and were fascinated. With simplicity, the basic natural order of things was laid out and explained. There was no discussion of what was fair or right, no idealism, but rather the bare bones of what makes a good working relationship between a trainer and a horse. You see my daughter has decided she wants to be a horse trainer and we hired an experienced trainer to teach her to train her mare.

    Read back over what our horse trainer said and it makes perfect sense. Perhaps you thought we were talking about us? Pfff…as if Grant would need instructions! I am sure the trainer did not realize, as Grant and I leaned over the pasture fence listening, what we were thinking. Later we admitted to each other that we were both struck by the basic truths that we took so many years to come to for ourselves in our marriage.

    Why is it so hard for us to see ourselves as having basic animal instincts and needs? We complicate things because we are way more complicated, and our intellects do come into play. In this day and age we are tempted to tell ourselves and each other that the caveman days are over. However, I think the truth is we have not left all of these instinctual parts of our natures behind us as we have progress through the ages.

     I know women who are adamant about the “equality” in their marriages . They will not allow themselves to be told what to do, how, or when. They fight to maintain control at all times, and generally their husbands get tired of fighting. They commiserate with their buddies and leave her alone. They feel diminished and disrespected but yield, accepting that this is the way it is today. In the meantime she is complaining to her girl friends that “everything is on me” and “why can’t he be more romantic?” “He acts like I don’t need anything from him.” They have a marriage, or about 50% do, and it is intact, but it is not very close. The intimacy is compromised. He is not respected and she is not cherished. She does not have the luxury of knowing she is safe in his keeping, and he does not have the authority required to protect and care for her. She doesn’t need him, and his interest wanes.

    I also thought what our trainer said about the alpha horse in the herd was interesting. There is one alpha horse, almost always a male. But he is not the herds’ friend or partner. The trainer advised that a trainer wants to be a horse’s dominant, but still her partner, her friend. In this online community I have occasionally seen hurt and cruelty masquerading as dominance. No, that is not what it is about. The dominant in a healthy relationship keeps the end goal of being friends and lovers, creating a harmonious and happy partnership, as his focus.