I would rather write something fun or saucy today. It is Friday after all. But, as I was asked a few weeks ago to delve more deeply into the differences between dominant and domineering, I am going to write about that. My heart is a bit heavy today too, because the very subject makes me think about men women who don’t really understand this and who have at worst a hurtful and at best a less than fulfilling marriage because of it. Most of the time blatant abuse becomes obvious. Most of the time emotional abuse goes unnoticed. It’s sad and it hurts me to know it’s out there, both in this world, and in our world of Domestic discipline, especially. It’s too easy for Dd to look ok and not be ok. It’s too easy for a domineering man to call himself dominant and get away with bullying.
This question came after I wrote the post The Reason Is Love . I am going to start with the dictionary definitions. It’s a good place to begin, because it makes it pretty darn clear.
Definition of DOMINANT
1a : commanding, controlling, or prevailing over all others <the dominant culture> b : very important, powerful, or successful <a dominant theme> <a dominant industry>
2: overlooking and commanding from a superior position <a dominant hill>
3: of, relating to, or exerting ecological or genetic dominance
4: being the one of a pair of bodily structures that is the more effective or predominant in action <dominant eye>
Examples of DOMINANT
- The company is now dominant in its market.
- It is the dominant culture in the region.
- the dominant female of the pack
Related to DOMINANT
Synonyms: arch, big, capital, cardinal, central, chief, foremost, first, grand, great, greatest, highest, key, leading, main, master, number one (also No. 1), numero uno, overmastering, overriding, paramount, predominant, preeminent, premier, primal, primary, principal, prior, sovereign (also sovran), supreme
Definition of DOMINEERING
: inclined to exercise arbitrary and overbearing control over others
Examples of DOMINEERING
<the younger children in the family were controlled by a domineering older sister>
Related to DOMINEERING
Synonyms: authoritarian, authoritative, autocratic (also autocratical), despotic, dictatorial, bossy, imperious, masterful, overbearing, peremptory, tyrannical (also tyrannic), tyrannous
Related Words: arrogant, assumptive, disdainful, fastuous, haughty, highfalutin (also hifalutin), high-and-mighty, high-hat, huffy, important, lofty, lordly, overweening, presuming, presumptuous, pretentious, proud, self-asserting, supercilious, superior, toplofty (also toploftical), uppish, uppity; commanding, controlling, dictating, regimental; arbitrary, high-handed, imperial; directorial, magisterial; aggressive, assertive, self-assertive; imperative; conceited, narcissistic, pompous, vain; all-powerful, almighty, omnipotent; firm, stern
Here’s what I get out of this: To be dominant is to be in charge, take the lead, to be the principle decision maker. To be domineering is to do so with an attitude of being “presumptuous, pretentious, arbitrary, self-asserting, tyrannical”. So often in life it is less what you do than how you do it. It’s ego folks. In a Dd relationship it is less about the rules he makes but whether they fit his wife, their lives, whether she agrees they are supportive and helpful in moving her and them in a positive direction. It is less about whether he punishes her but how, and if she feels safe and attended to with both his attitude and the intensity. Any decision he makes, whatever it is, does he make that decision for his own good or for the both of you? Is he self-involved and self-serving or does he use his authority for the betterment of you both, the marriage, the peace in your home, mutual happiness and satisfaction?
It takes a mature man with a giving and generous nature to lead well, and if your man has issues with selfishness, grandiosity, self-importance, anger issues, or a general lack of self-control, then Domestic discipline is not for you. You may get hurt physically. You’ll certainly get hurt emotionally.
I always wonder why a woman would choose to submit to a man who might hurt her physically or emotionally. There’s a myriad of clinical reasons, none of them healthy and most of them all too common. It’s a question I can’t answer, because I never would do that. I know for a fact that I would walk away.
If you are not sure if what you are living with is a dominant or a domineering man, then ask yourself some questions. Do you frequently feel not heard or not understood? Are your feelings treated as less important than his? Does his final decision often not include what you believe is right for you? Do your emotional or physical needs often go unmet? Do you keep secrets; feel a need to hide who you are, or what you do, to keep the peace between you? Those are all questions I can answer, and the answer is honestly “No” to all of them.
If you’re not sure of where you stand in your relationship, I suggest you ask yourself these questions and I so hope the answers are what you want and need them to be. Dominant is sexy. Domineering…is debasing and will diminish the spirit. It is just too hard on the heart.
Sara, Lash and I recently had a discussion that seemed to touch on this. He leads, disciplines and cares for me because it is his “role” in our marriage, not because it is his “right” as a male or as the bigger, stronger one physically. He takes the dominant role because we agreed on that. He does not domineer. That would be weak and immature. Thanks for the thought-provoking subject. I, too, can answer “No” to all of your questions. Meow
Sara, Thanks for making the distinctions. As a man who somewhat naturally dominant, I think a lot about being careful to not cross that line.
I’m so glad you wrote this! I frequently think about this.
I get antsy when I read women (or men) waxing lyrical about how much better marriages in general would be if more couples would pursue this lifestyle, men could be men, women would free to be more feminine, etc.
Not every man is cut out for this kind of a role. Not every marriage would be well-served by incorporating this in their relationship.
Yes, one could glibly say that a husband “should” be all of the wonderful things that would make him a great HoH. Well, I “should” be a Nobel Prize winner, yet I am what I am. If someone’s husband doesn’t have the temperament for this kind of role, he’s not necessarily a horrible or even a weak person. He is what he is. Accept him.
Hope I didn’t go off on a tangent. Thanks for another great topic.
Thank you Sara. I do feel for those women who are subject to a man who is more “domineering” than a dominant. You’re right…it’s so sad. It really makes me thankful that I have a husband that desires to LEAD, all the while caring for MY needs, our CHILDREN’S needs, and puts us over his personal “wants.” Communication Street is a two-way street, and a dominant man always hears the other side, and gives it serious consideration.
Kady
I absolutely agree with you, Sara. I am absolutely comfortable with Davey being the dominant in our marriage, because I know I can totally trust him to always have my best interests at heart. He always gives me the right to stop any session at any time I feel uncomfortable with it, on any level – whether physical, or emotional, and we then talk about why I said the safe word. He then re-evaluates the situation and/or my bottom, and if we both agree that it continues, it does. If he decides I am bruising, he rushes to fetch ice and tenderly cares for me! (while telling me it will continue at a later date!)
He wants the spanking to pull me back to him, to realign and reinforce and restore harmony. If I am to have rules to obey, they are always rules that we have discussed and agreed are necessary for the good of our marriage and our health and wellbeing. They are never self indulgent rules that just benefit him… he does not want a servant or skivvy or robot, he wants an equal partner to cherish and love and nurture and protect and guide…not to control and bully and boss around.
Which is lucky. Heehee…because I would not ever be able to accept that!xxxxxx
Sara, this makes it very clear. I think that a dominant in a relationship should learn how to control situations and modify behaviors, not control his significant other. Too often I read about “control”, but controlling people is not what it’s about.
Recently H and I had to step back and reexamine how we were interacting. I felt as if he were taking Dd in a more domineering direction. I think, most likely, it was a gut reaction that he didn’t use enough self control for. He isn’t perfect, but he didn’t see his own actions the way that I did, and I felt it was imperative for me to help him to see that. He didn’t spank or punish me over this last issue, and for that I’m thankful b/c it would have taken us back a few more levels.
When I feel uncomfortable about something that we are doing in Dd, I always ask H if we can talk it out. This time was difficult b/c he didn’t want to let me down by not standing firm. But after several different approaches, he understood that it wasn’t about the incident, but rather the direction that I felt he was taking us in Dd overall. I felt it was really important to say something as soon as I felt it. It just wasn’t right.
We are slowly starting back up, without any spanking as a matter of fact. We both want to go slowly so that we both understand ourselves and each other. We are more comfortable at this pace as it’s easier to spot possible trouble areas. Slow and steady.
It’s a learning experience for both of us. On the Dd blogs, we often read about a wife who is punished for her errors, but the HOH can make mistakes in judgement also. It’s a wise HOH who will examine himself and his own actions b4 deciding to punish.
Thanks for a wonderful post! – E
Meow, yes, it takes strength to lead with integrity, and those who domineer or bully are always “weak and immature” underneath.
Mick, that humility and care is what makes you the fine leader you obviously are.
Olivia, I totally agree with you that Dd is not for everyone, and in fact, to live this way takes some maturity and self awareness, and also hard work. Not everyone wants to work that hard!
Kady, it truly saddens me too. My husband puts my needs, and often my wants, before his all the time, and that makes me want to do and be better for him. I feel like my submission is well earned and freely given….and he doesn’t & won’t ask anything of me that I seriously object to.
Daisy: “He wants the spanking to pull me back to him, to realign and reinforce and restore harmony.” sounds just like Grant. And there is no reason why a spanking should leave you bruised or with welts…unless that is some sort of turn on for you, at some level…your choice…but most of us don’t take things that far.
Elysia, I really appreciate your honesty here. When Grant has occasionally stepped over my line into what felt overbearing to me, and I ask to talk. We work it out. Those kind of interaction will happen, bc no, our dominant men are not any more perfect than we are. But…with the mutual respect and communication you two have, I know you’ll get through this just fine! Thank you for sharing that!
Thank you for writing this, Sara. I firmly believe there are certain people (both male and female) who should not enter into this lifestyle and like you, I wonder why a woman married to a man with issues such as anger, jealousy, control, possessiveness or substance abuse would think all of her mate’s problems would suddenly disappear once the balance of power shifted to him.
When my husband and I finally committed to TIH, he told me once that he was constantly checking his motivations to ensure that he was doing the right thing for me and for us. He didn’t want his newfound power going to his head. I hadn’t really thought about it before yet I found myself incredibly relieved by his words. It was nice to know.
Bottom line: Leadership is one thing. Control is quite another. I’ll take leadership any day.
Well done, Sara! I can answer no to all those questions in the marriage I have now.
Your definitions of domineering described my first husband to a “t”. It was hard to walk away because we had a child together, but once I did, I was peaceful.
I want to say that ONE more time. I.Was.Peaceful. It was very nice to be still and be quiet. Even though I considered myself a failure at the time, I now realize that it was one of the most courageous things I have ever done. And while I may occasionally fail at something I am trying to accomplish, I will never consider myself a ‘failure’ again. Thanks for this post!
Awesome post Sara. It’s nice how actual definitions lay it out there so clearly.
Sara, I couldn’t agree with you more. This was an important post to make, and I’m so thankful that you had the courage to share it, knowing that the information may not be well-received by some in this community. It saddens me to see the dysfunction and cyclical nature of abuse…the denial that it even exists in dd. It’s refreshing to read a healthy, balanced perspective.
It takes courage, even in our blogging communities, to acknowledge these distinctions. Thank God we have friends who can help, are concerned, or just want us to talk about issues. I worry about the girls who are half joking, half not about something that is happening, and then, hearing concern, rush to defend their husbands behavior saying they deserved it…
It is so hard to discern.
But real friendship will get to the bottom of it, so I am sure this is another sign to keep connecting with each other, right?
laur
I have never been domineering in my relationships with women. There has never been a need.
I am SO glad you wrote this, because for many people who are attracted to the lifestyle but don’t know the ins and outs of it, it needs to be said. A properly dominant man must have inbuilt humility, understanding and self control – these are leadership qualities. Not every man has that capacity. Both partners need to get something out of it – for a man a calm, accepting, trustful wife; for a woman an authority who commands her respect and obedience, and sets certain boundaries. A reassurance spanking for her is a reasserting of dominance for him, and should be immensely satisfying for both. “Correction” should be carried out calmly only after a conversation about what it is meant to achieve. There is nothing wrong with being awed by a magnificent husband but plenty wrong with living in fear of a grandiose bully
Leni, you’re on the $, Dd does not make any real problems disappear. The fact that your husband is aware that his power could go to his head instills confidence. Any good leader is careful with his or her power!
Rogue, I am so sorry you went through that. It was very brave to walk away from what was truly unhealthy!
Thanks Ally. Yes, looking the words up was very helpful.
Kara, women who are abused can’t admit it to themselves. It’s so very painful for them to realize. No one sets out to live that way. But if we don’t speak up and stand together…I think we fail each other as a society in general.
Laurie I worry too. When a gal makes complaints, and then rushes to defend, and it appears cyclical…statistically, we have reason to worry. I think we just need to keep talking about it…to make it an open topic in our little community.
RD, no, a dominant man would not have a need to domineer. Two different impulses entirely, and 2 different sources of the behavior. Domineering comes from an unhealthy place inside.
Joanna, I like your comment that spanking and Dd “should be immensely satisfying for both.” That’s it exactly. At the end of the day if your lifestyle choice is not “immensely satisfying” something is just not right.
Excellent post Sara. You did a great job of defining the fine line between these two things that really isn’t so fine once you really dissect them. I think the questions you had us think about are very appropriate to diagnose “your HOH”. As has been said many times now, being an HOH is HARD work. There are many who don’t want to put in the needed energy and self-evaluation. Like Rogue, my first husband fit the second description to a “T” and we didn’t even practice Dd. It takes alot of frogs to identify a prince. This is such a learning process and I would hope that stopping, starting, backing up, revamping would be part of it for all. HOH are held to a higher standard not only be us, the women they love, but a true HOH holds himself to these highter standards too intrinsically. Again, soooo well said!
Great post, Sara. I agree with all of what you stated here. A dominant person in the relationship takes control because their partner wants them to and trusts them to not abuse it. A domineering person in a relationship acts that way for selfish reasons and not for the greater good of the relationship.
Thankfully, Sara, I can answer “No” to all those excellent questions you posed. It took me 21 years to fully trust M, and he has definitely earned it! Submission is a concept I struggled with from day one of our relationship. M never demanded it, and he still doesn’t. It’s now freely given. He has always put me and my needs first. Actually, I’m kind of spoiled by his attention, but we both like it that way!
D
Thank you Sara. This topic has been on my mind for a while. No one should feel like they aren’t good enough. Rules shouldn’t be so strict that she can’t succeed. There is a very thin line between dominant and domineering. This isn’t the first time I have worried about a fellow DD wife and I am sure it won’t be the last.
Thanks K. I do think a man who is gifted with the authority of HoH must also hold himself, and should be held to, a higher standard. Power goes hand in hand with responsibility. Not every man can be trusted to run a relationship well. Because he’s biologically a man, and because you love him, does not mean he’s truly capable of leading.
Yes Lea, in the end, a man who domineers ultimately abuses. Most ,marital abuse is emotional, but that makes it no less painful or wrong.
D, being a “spoiled” wife myself, I think there’s nothing wrong with spoiled!
You’re welcome little missie: “This isn’t the first time I have worried about a fellow DD wife and I am sure it won’t be the last.” I know…I know.
It hurts my heart to know a woman is being mistreated, that he would do it, that she allows it…that it happens in our world.
a very well worded post sara – thank you. I think we all know the definitions of dominant and domineering but its sometimes very helpful to have them there in black and white. I can safely say no to all the answers too. Though i do mark and bruise when he punishes me, not excessively but its there but its something we both are OK with its like a reminder to me to behave because this is what happens when I dont. I guess you could say its in place of a maintenance spanking.
I think any dominant person whether male or female has to consider its a fine line between being dominant or being domineering, they have to think about their actions to ensure that they dont cross that line.
I agree that being HOH is hard, just as hard for the submissive wife to follow rules and modify her behaviour. ITs all about love and trust and faith in each other and communication.
And I also think that a community like this helps us all sort through our emotions and helps us to clarify issues – no set rules except for those we make ourselves but its good to know that we can come to this place, talk openly about our hopes and fears, trials and tribulations and get support and advice, a heads up or a pat on the back.
Thank you.
Awesome post, and topic. I also think that some men who are domineering in their younger years can use some of these dominant traits and soften them into more compassionate and thoughtful qualities as they grow and mature. A good hearted man will catefully evaluate his decisions to be sure they are for the good of the family and the relationship. His intentions and purpose should be clear, and come as much from his heart as from his head.
Good idea to include the dictionary definitions, as the terms can be confused by some.
Kiwigirl, I very much agree that there are no set rules for Dd, nor should there be, except those we make for ourselves…BUT…WE have to make our decisions as a couple…two people, with different roles, but who are equally important partners.
Stormy, I am sure that domineering can be a sign of immaturity that diminishes with growth. Yes, a good marriages, and most especially a Dd one, needs to come 1st from the heart.
Still catching up on old posts, since I’ve been busy, LOL. This was a great way to surmise the differences between the two. I agree a husband who is domineering should not be doing Dd. Which is why I had to wait for Jay to mature, both to marry him, and longer to give him my submission. Before, he didn’t pass that checklist, although I could see he was working hard at it. Now he does, in every way. Now I know I can trust him to be dominant, without being domineering.
I do think the measuring stick is whether one feels empowered or beaten down, secure or afraid. You sum it up perfectly. I admit I don’t always feel good when I’m in trouble, LOL. To put it in perspective, though, I’m a lot more terrified of getting a finger prick at the doctor’s office! Some of us are more emotional, I guess. And I don’t always like rules when I’m given them. But even if I’m fighting them, if I’m honest, I can always see the reason of why it’s good. Even when I don’t see it right away, I can trust his motivation, and I always know I have a voice. Sometimes I do get discouraged because I’m not where I’m supposed to be yet (my own set goals mostly that both of us agree need to change). It’s something I struggle with (actually before Dd to a greater extent because it felt hopeless), since I tend to be a perfectionist. But Jay has been teaching me more and more how to focus on smaller goals, not beat myself up when I don’t succeed, and pointing out when I do right. All that while saying he’s not a teacher, LOL. It sure seems like it to me, and he’s a good one!
It’s definitely an incredibly difficult job HOH’s have, but yes, humility and love make it work.
I find myself reflecting a lot on my past after reading this insightful post Sara. I spent 10yrs in a past relationship where I would have said yes to these questions. In hindsight I chose a man who I ‘thought’ was strong, compassionate and unselfishly loving, what I got instead was nothing short of a bully. I left him! (something he still after all this time cannot quite comprehend that I dared to)
Yes there is a huge difference between domineering and loving leadership. I have found and am living the difference as we speak and it has been worth every tear I’ve cried, all the raw pain I’ve felt, all the guilt I sometimes still feel in removing my children from that situation, because ‘they’ are happier, I am happier and although I still carry the scars, (figuratively not literally) Mitch is helping me find the person I used to be before it got smothered in possessiveness and control. He knows the difference. And that’s the difference
Dee x