Hi Sara,
I have been reading your blog and another about Domestic Discipline in its pure form also. My husband and I have always been bondage and pain control associated in our sexual relationship.
I am a reforming control freak. It has taken me 10 years to discover that my chronic depression was a direct result of my control/trust issues. My DH and I have been married 2 of those years. I have recently discovered the difference of a punishment spanking and a sexual spanking. LOL Although to say I was not turned on by the punishment spanking would be a lie.
I don’t know if it is because of the experience and enjoyment of BDSM but I can not get to the emotional release you talk about. It felt different, I felt different about it and I did not use the pain control techniques I use as a submissive in sex play. Maybe I want to cry and let it all go to badly? We have been reading and discussing since we are beginning this DD journey we have settled on two rules.
- 1. Don’t worry.
- 2. Be respectful of my Dominant Husband.
Worry is my way of control. I have read Laura Doyle’s book “The Surrendered Wife” and I have been practicing those ideals. I guess I am trying to explain where I am at. Where my DH and I are and what the goal is. Oh I guess I haven’t shared the goal. LOL The goal is to improve my marriage by organizing it differently than my previous marriage. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I want to be the wife I can be not the person that hides from everything and tries to protect everyone.
My question is about maintenance spanking. I understand it is a scheduled thing to maintain Grant’s HOH position. I think I understand that for you it is both a reminder and a release and a sexual activity. Is a maintenance spanking exactly what I described and it is done with the intensity of a punishment spanking and you receive the emotional release you need from it? Is it a reminder of your lifestyle and choices? Does it set for you a reminder of Grant’s position so you don’t mess up as often?
My DH knows I want the emotional release. He knows what my goals are. Does Maintenance spanking help?
Thanks,
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Hi Anabel,
A few random comments and then I will answer your questions. I like Laura Doyle’s book a lot and it helped me a great deal in our 1st year of Dd. Although it is not about Dd per se, it is about developing a head space that goes well with it, and it helped me from the very beginning to understand that my biggest task in Dd would be to work on myself from the inside out. So I think you’re on the right track.
Now to your question about maintenance spanking; These are a few links to past posts on the subject:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2007/09/20/maintaining-dd/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/03/12/therapeutic-spanking/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/10/18/reassurance-spanking/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/the-insanity-spanking/
Really, all the spankings described in these posts fall outside of Punishment and into the category of what you’re asking about. We use spanking to maintain me and my balance, and also to maintain our balance in our marriage.
Is a maintenance spanking exactly what I described and it is done with the intensity of a punishment spanking and you receive the emotional release you need from it?
Yes and no. Over the years maintenance has evolved for us. It has it’s ritual and rhythm, but it also varies according to my physical and emotional needs. There are times when it is lighter, times when it is sexier, times when Grant feels I need to be pushed past my limits. It is always over his lap, always fairly long, always with a variety of implements, and although sometimes he may spank very hard, it does not feel the same as punishment because the emotional content is different. He is always very gentle and loving and reassuring during maintenance spankings, although he can be firm as well.
Is it a reminder of your lifestyle and choices?
Yes, absolutely, and I think that is so for both of us. He tries to do a maintenance spanking about every 4 days because that seems to be what works best to keep us in sync. I think the regular practice of the submission and dominance does truly help remind us of our roles and commitments. It’s also a regular time to connect, check in, relieve stress, and all of those things combined help with us being better together in our marriage.
Does it set for you a reminder of Grant’s position so you don’t mess up as often?
I think the reminder of Grant’s position, through regular spanking does help, as does the regular spanking help him to remember his role too, to be consistent, to not allow me to take charge, which helps me to remember that leading is not my job but his in our marriage. Yes that all also results in less call for punishment. Aside from the regular spanking you are asking about, Grant is also really good at maintaining his attitude and awareness about his dominant role, which is in turn a fairly constant reminder of my role for me.
Truly, I am not sure which comes first, the chicken or the egg, the maintenance spankings or his being dominant in our marriage. If he spanked me regularly, but was not dominant in word and deed outside of that, I think I’d not be able to keep to my agreed upon submissive position with much success. His lack of leadership would cause me too much anxiety and I would need to step up to fill the gap. Because he is consistently dominant, stays steady with me, I remain calmer, and it’s also harder to forget and ‘mess’ up.
The leader sets the tone in a Dd marriage. As the leader or HoH that is his responsibility. If he wants you to follow he has to be actively leading, and of course, no leader can lead without a willing follower. The spankings are simply a reminder of all of the above, a way to connect and a routine to reinforce and remind you both to do your own work to carry out the whole dynamic with success.
My DH knows I want the emotional release. He knows what my goals are. Does Maintenance spanking help?
From my perspective, getting the emotional release from spanking is a tricky thing. It is not about the pain, although pain is the trigger. It is really about being able to let go, learning to not have to be in control all the time, trusting your spanker to be the one in control, so that you can let down your walls and let any pent-up emotions up and out. Sometimes that will mean tears. For me, sometimes it will also mean anxiety, fear, worries, anger…whatever I’ve been holding on to. Like you, letting go of control is very hard for me. There was a time when I worried that I could not cry and I wanted to be able to have that release during a spanking. Grant was very wise in telling me that he knew I would when I was ready, and that it was going to be a process. He was so right. Without him or me putting the pressure on myself, I found my way to feeling more and more safe, able to trust him, and to trust myself, to finally be able to let go. It does not happen all the time, because I don’t always need that, but now we both know it is doable and helpful for me at certain times. When it does not happen, neither of us worries over much about it. There is always next time.
I hope that was clear Anabel. It’s a bit complicated, but truly, maintenance has become the cornerstone of the Dd dynamic for us. I hope you find it helpful for you and your DH.
Sara
hi Sara!
Your reply completely covers subjects i have brought up in at least 2 blogposts of my own, and I was wondering if it would be ok to quote some of what you’ve written here in my blog? of course I’ll link back to you!
Thank you for a very good post!
Hi Anabel, and thanks for a great post Sara! Although we do Maintenance spanking, it’s always great to have a refresher course and reminder of why we do what we do. I so agree, that when H spanks consistently and does’nt wait until I am struggling with submitting, I am calmer and we feel more in balance. That is always better for both of us. I have also read The Surrendered Wife, and it truly helps me with my head-space as well. Good Luck with everything Anabel! -Elysia
I think maintenance is like a reset button. We are both still very new to DD. It has been almost a year but Dragon moves slow and methodical. Sunday and Wednesday are our days to reconnect. It places him firmly in his position as HOH and reminds me to be calm and submissive. I thought it was silly when we first started but now I see how important it is. It can be a few light taps or a long ordeal that leaves me in tears. It depends on what I need.
Sara I think you were listening at my bedroom door this morning. It is funny how many similarities DD marriages share and yet how different we are.
Thank you!
Completely agree with all of it! It is definitely the cornerstone of our relationship also…not just the spanking, but the whole ritual surrounding it. Thanks for putting voice to all the thoughts I feel. You do a great job of explaining it all.
Hi Sweet Girl. I am always flattered to be quoted!
Elysia, consistency makes a huge difference, doesn’t it?
Little missie, I promise that I was not listening, but yes, as varied as we are, we still all are women, and have many similar needs, after all.
You’re most welcome Mick!
I agree K’s Sweetie, I find the power is in “not just the spanking, but the whole ritual surrounding it” too.
a question about “The Surrendered Wife” – arrgggg, I’m just having so much trouble with this book. I currently have it checked out from the library because you’ve referred to it a few times. I just can’t get my head around it. I’m a firm believer in taking what works for me/my situation and practicing what I call “bless & release” with the rest but even that is challenging me with this book.
Here’s what has clicked for me: a) stop controlling b) quite a bit of what you don’t think of as controlling really IS controlling c) the majority of the “control struggle” really has to come from within. (This is one of the things I so admire about your blog Sara, you make that abundantly clear.)
And that’s it. I’m just not getting any further with the book. Perhaps I am resisting its message? Hmmmm, must ponder this. Can you tell me what really resonated for you so much from the book? Are there any other books that have really had an impact? I’m on a relationship book kick.
btw, I have posted a few times as “Olivia” but there is another Olivia in the blogger-hood and she has her own blog. Since I don’t and merely lurk / comment occasionally, I thought I would choose another moniker. Ergo, Bronwyn.)
Sara, Thank you for another awesome post! I also struggled with wanting, but not getting, the emotional release from spanking. We are fairly new to this, but M has been consistent with reassurance spankings, which has really helped me to open up, tear down the walls, and trust him more. I finally had a breakthrough when he pushed me pretty far one night. I think it was a little scary for both of us when I cried, but I felt immensely better afterward, and I felt so loved, cherished, and safe as he held me while I cried. To get to that point, I had to tear down my internal skyscrapers that were “protecting” me. This is still a daily struggle, but M is helping me through it. I’m also thankful for this blog, which has been a wonderful resource and has helped us both as we take this journey.
Wonderful and informative post, I think YOU should write a book.
Ohhhh great post – and I so agree with Lea. Id buy your book
I would really like to try maintenance but small steps, one day at a time and all that, he punishes me and thats good. Maintenance will happen eventually, I dont want to overwhelm him but I swear one of these days Im just going to present myself over his knee and ask him to spank me just because and see what he does hehehe
Good and timely, Sara. You know I’m not eager for maintenance but it doesn’t matter- because he gets to decide and he says it’s time. I’m trying to keep an open mind, and it helps to read what “it” really is for a couple. Spanked for insanity? Now that’s really not fair..I mean, we’re women..haha.
Hi Bronwyn, I guess what I liked most about the book is that it highlighted what I needed to do to get the response I wanted and needed from my husband. You can’t bully or demand that your husband step up and become more dominant, or take better care of you. It helped me to understand that my very attitude and how I approached him undermined him and resulted in him responding in the opposite ways to what I wanted…he backed off and felt disrespected and unsupported by me. The more he did wrong, the angrier I got, and the more he felt not good enough and less self assured. It’s a viscous cycle that many marriages fall into an the book made me realize that I had to stop my part, take control of me and my interactions. As I learned to do that, he did begin to flourish into the man he had always been, the one I married but had only seen glimpses of for quite a few years. So many couples report the same phenomenon, both in the book, and people I personally know as well.
D, it IS scary when we begin to let those walls down. We built them up for reasons, most often in childhood, long before we were married, but some walls are even built from the early years of marriage…mine were both. TTWD is indeed a journey. I am glad you feel you are moving along your path!
Thanks Lea…maybe one day. I’d like to write a book, it’s a matter of taking the time.
kiwigirliegirl, now we both know you are not supposed to be buying more books!
I like your idea of just laying yourself over his lap…and I’m betting he will love it! Dare ya!
Yes Stormy, spanked for insanity! It worked too!
(at least temporarily)
Thanks Sara,
This cleared up a lot as did the comments from everyone else. I am glad to know I am not the only one whom needs this alignment. I believe we need a scheduled or more routine spanking, but quiet alone time seems to be fleeting. I am sure we will work it out.
I just need to be patient. Lets see a reforming control freak learning patience. I am also working on not topping from the bottom. It feels a little like a lot of Anabel makeover. Hopefully on the other side of this we will find the harmony. It is coming we are on the right path it is just a journey.
Can I just say to the original commenter, “THANK YOU”???
I am in exactly her boat. We have a BDSM dynamic with our DD dynamic. I also am a chronic worrier. I am a control freak. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I try to control things to make my depression and anxiety go away. I also struggle with feeling a release after a DD spanking. I just feel angry and resentful. I want to submit to my husband, but usually I just end up controlling him and getting angry. I can’t seem to break the habit.
I wonder now if maybe my depression is linked with my control tendencies?
THANK YOU for making me feel not alone.
Sara…thanks very much for this. Seems like everyone is writing about this right now, just as I’m struggling the most with it. Feeling safe is so important to me and trusting is something I’m still working on. I’m guessing that my husband is right on this one and I need to be patient with both of us as we figure it out.
Anabel, you are absolutely not “the only one who needs this alignment”. Go read the site on my side bar under DD by Digit and Maryann on Hormones Affecting Spanking. http://reocities.com/SouthBeach/Bay/3507/hormones.html It made many things make sense for us!
Sexperts “I wonder now if maybe my depression is linked with my control tendencies?” Ya think
Depression and anxiety are intertwined and becoming a control freak is one way to try to manage that…pretty common, actually!
Susie, I am glad the discussion is helpful. Learning trust is what it is all about, and that will lead to a closer deeper intimacy with your husband, but it very much is a process., and yes, darn it, much patience is required!
Can you put your finger on “why” you finally cry? Is it because you can’t get up, can’t really resist the spanking, and you just have to accept something that you’d rather not have (each new spank)? Is it because you feel that you can’t believe that you are being spanked to that point, which is somewhat beyond the point that you thought would be ok?
P.S. I prefer to call them “practice” not “maintenance”.
Jenn, a lot of spanking is a mental/emotional thing for us, rather than a purely physical one. The answer to all your questions is “no”, I don’t cry for any of those reasons. When I do cry it is because I can get to that place where I feel safe enough, protected enough, let go enough to allow my feelings past my usual walls of defense, and tears emerge. The pain is simply a catalyst.
“Practice” for what?
Practice, as in practicing being submissive, practicing being the dominating one. We never quite get it right. It is always something we are practicing, like practicing medicine. And if he says, “Don’t you have practice tonight?” while you two are at lunch, a person who overhears you won’t be the least bit interested.
Yes A-non, we can always improve ourselves, will hopefully always be growing. Code phrases do work well! Thanks.
This is a great thread and site! I just finished reading ‘A Surrendered Wife’. I already had known some of it’s concepts, but reading the book helped to put a lot into focus for me. My husband is a naturally dominant man. My problem is that I get into snits. There is no other way to describe it. A year ago, I decided to be submissive and it’s been hard. I’m hoping the book will help my state of mind. I was being controlling and not even realizing it, which went against his natural state to be dominant.
My husband doesn’t put a name on spankings. There are no maintenance, discipline, sexual spankings, etc. It’s what he thinks I need. I was sulky all weekend and upset that he scheduled a business trip during our anniversary. He simply forgot. I reminded him and he instantly canceled his business trip to be with me. So, I should have been relieved that he wanted to make me happy, right? Nope, I stormed out of the house in a sulking silent rage.
When I came back home, I got a long hard, over the knee spanking. I also got one this morning, as I still was in a bit of a snit. Not good. It took two hard spankings for me to let go of negative feelings. Spanking is a release of negative feelings for me. It also reestablished that he is in control and I’m not. I have to stop thinking that I am. He’ll always listen to me and he did. He changed plans, yet I still got in a snit, didn’t trust he’d make the right choice, and wouldn’t let it go.
I’m not sure ‘maintenance spankings’ would work for me. I guess I get discipline spankings if you had to put a name on it. Perhaps I should rethink maintenance, but I’d like to get into the frame of mind, Laura Doyle has laid out in her book, and not need something like that. I don’t think it would change me. Knowing me, he could maintenance spank me every night and I’d still find something to get in a snit about and assume the worst of him… which he does not deserve.
I think spanking for me is about my husband taking control and demanding that I let go of the bug up my backside concerning him. It reminds me to give him some credit that he’ll make the right decisions and it’s out of my control anyway. I’m not an overly teary woman and it’s hard for me to cry. These spankings don’t make me cry, even when they are harsh. I think it’s more about my husband being the hoh and not putting up with me being destructive towards our marriage. Also it’s about me getting off of my high horse.
I’m more embarrassed by spankings than anything else, so for me, to have to have my bare backside up in the air over his knee, getting a lecture and being spanked like a three year old, is the worst of it. Then again, I should stop acting like a three year old in a snit!
-Annie
Annie, I firmly believe that we are best off to each try things and then discover what works or us. We are simply not all the same. Maintenance or reassurance spankings work for me because they help me to release pent up worries, resentments, and they remind us both of our roles in our marriage. For me they really help the “snits” to be quite rare. The trust and giving credit where it’s due is easier to remember when regularly reinforced. But…you might not find they work for you the same way.
Anyway, thanks for reading and for commenting, Sara