Missing the P’s in Dd?

Spank talk is much like pillow talk. Spank talk is the things you talk about with your spanker (and lover) in the dark, over his lap, when your bottom is well warmed, resistance has been vanquished, and your walls have come down to leave a more open, relaxed, trusting, and sometimes too talkative you. It used to be this was when I confessed things I hadn’t meant to. I think all newer Dd-ers do that. I would suddenly be overcome with feelings of intimacy and connectedness and love and a need to tell all. OUCH, bad timing!

I’m past that. I now know myself well enough to know I’ll eventually cave and tell whatever it is anyway, and that over his lap is not a prime time for confession, and besides our rules call for complete disclosure whether he asks or not. I know what he needs to know and now I just circumvent the OTL confessional scene and tell what needs telling. Sometimes it’s better for him to have time to process things anyway, rather than when he has me naked over his lap with a paddle in hand, you know?

So…as we often do, we were talking while he was spanking. I found myself quietly mulling over something I sort of wanted to talk about, but didn’t at the same time. He kept spanking and I kept quiet, weighing if I really needed to bring it up, until finally…it just bubbled out seemingly of its own accord, despite my ambivalence. This was a different kind of confession.


Grant, how to you feel about the Dd in our marriage right now?

I feel great about it! Don’t you?

Well, yes.


Well, would you tell me why you feel great about it?

Because we are getting along so well! We hardly every have arguments. We are close and loving; we communicate; we treat each other well. Our marriage is peaceful and everything is going really well. Don’t you feel that way?”

Yes, I do. But I have been thinking recently.

What are you thinking?

Long silence….

 I have realized that there’s no discipline in our Dd anymore.

Is that a bad thing? Do you want to be punished? Because if that is what you’re after…

NO…no, I don’t WANT to be punished. Of course not! I never want to be punished and in fact I try to do everything I can to make sure you don’t have to do that. I really work hard to not cause friction between us, to do the things I should, to do what you ask. You do realize that, right?

Yes, I do realize that. So, what are you talking about?

Well, a week ago, when we were both a little off-kilter, I realized at one point that I wasn’t doing well with my exercise and diet, etc…and I thought about telling you, but then I thought “I could go tell him, or I could just go do what I know I need to do. So I told myself to just do it, and I did. And then I did not need to tell you.

And are you doing what you’re supposed to do now?

Yes, all of it. In fact I feel like I am on top of things, doing really well.

Well that’s great! To my mind, that’s what Dd is supposed to be about, recognizing what we need to do and doing it. Punishment should only be a last resort. I am sure punishments will not be non-existent in the future, but yes they have become rare, and that means what we do is working.

I guess so.

Do you think I am not paying attention?  I am. Didn’t I ask you the last time we were ‘here’ if you were doing everything you were supposed to?

Yes you did, and I was able to answer ‘yes’ when you asked. I know you pay attention. So, I’ve realized that most things are like that now. I know what I need to do, and I try to do the things I should, and I think I do a pretty good job of it.

I think so too.

I guess the only issue at all I can think of is my occasional …um comments, a tone, my disrespect.

Yes, that is true. You do still get a little disrespectful at times.

I know…but, you’re good at pointing it out quickly. And if you warn me, I always stop right away, don’t I?

Yeah, you do.

So here’s the thing, and I know this sounds weird, because this is how I want things to be between us, and I do feel really good about where we are, but I also feel… I don’t know, almost like something is missing. I mean, I hate the reality of punishment, but I like knowing that you can and will. I guess it is a demonstration of the power dynamic between us, a way of you fighting for me and for us, and I think some part of me misses that.

Well I always can and will, but it’s nice to not have to very often. You know what? I think you miss the drama. Fighting so we can make up, get close, but now we don’t have to go through that anymore. It can almost be an addiction. Think of the people we know who always have to have some drama in their lives, and where there isn’t any, they manage to create it.  We don’t need that, and frankly, I don’t want it!

Do you think that is what it is?

I really do. We both grew up with a fair amount of drama in our childhoods, and we brought a lot of drama into our marriage. We functioned like that for a long time. And in the beginning, the whole Dd cycle was agreeing to rules, then you stepping over the line, me pushing back, then the punishment, and then we’d feel connected and in sync again until the next time. It’s drama and it’s really stressful too. I am very happy to not need to have to go through all that anymore. Aren’t you?

I really am. I didn’t like any of it. I like how we are now. I want us to be happy, and close and at peace. I truly feel you deserve the best from me. I want to do the right things, and I do try hard.  

I feel the same way Babe, and I always try to make you happy,

You do make me happy.

You know, if you feel you need to be punished you have ways to make that happen!

I know, but I would never do that. It’s dishonest, and manipulative, and in truth, I don’t want a punishment…ever again! Who wants THAT? I guess I just want to make sure we’re not getting complacent or that somehow the Dd is not what it used to be.

I am sure punishments are not forever gone. That’s not going to happen, but I do think Dd is not what it used to be. It’s very much better!


14 thoughts on “Missing the P’s in Dd?

  1. Sometimes I think a little “drama” can be a good thing, because it adds excitement and spark. The problem is you don’t want it to get out of hand or become a way of having too much negative energy. If you can have drama that adds positive energy, that’s a good thing, without being (as you said) manipulative or disobedient.

    I think, as women, sometimes we need that demonstration of power and manhood. We need to know he is “fighting for our relationship” as you so aptly put it. Him being firm and consistent and paying attention is a good way to do that.

  2. True Sexperts, but you can interject drama into your life with fun stuff, flirting, bedroom play…it doesn’t have to be through punishment, which always has a negative aspect, a downside, some failure attached to it, at least for us. We have plenty of spanking without punishments, to fulfill that D/s dynamic need. And after 6 yrs of Dd, the expectaions and what it takes to avoid punisment is very clear, as I think it should be by now. I guess it’s kind of that you can’t go back. Once you know what it takes to keep everything running smoothly, well you know what you know.

  3. Wow, sara great post, thank you for sharing and what a wonderful place to be at in your DD relationship – as ive said before you and grant are my benchmark. I can understand how you feel that something is missing and it is – but its a good thing. It means that DD is working, as in all things in life, things grow and change and sometimes that change can feel “different” and the discipline is that you know what you need to do and do it. If you didnt do it then there would be the punishment.
    I have found so far in this journey that i can push buttons and i know how to manipulate a situation to the point of being spanked as punishment – but it feels contrived (thats a good word). The best (if thats the correct word) punishment is when its out of the blue, for me, when i do something wrong out of the blue and i get that punishment when least expected is when it works best for me. But that rarely happens, even at this early stage in our journey. Yes we all like that power exchange sometimes, but we have it…..maintenance is power exchange. He is reminding you of that.
    Just my thoughts anyway :)
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

  4. What a wonderful place you have come to!! A lot of work has gone into getting to where you are… fabulous! Definitely a place we would all love to be!!! Thank you for sharing!

  5. That’s really interesting Sara. You two both work so hard to keep your end of your agreement and the regular spankings keep you both on track so you’ve gone and gotten all mature. :) I hate punishments too…all the icky feelings around them and the guilt and stuff. But there is something about that flip that your tummy does when you’ve crossed a line and are about to be taken in hand. I hate what’s about to happen but love how in charge he is. Weird.

    I hope that you can think of some fun ways to feel like he’s “fighting for you.” It will be interesting to see if he’s even more attentive to you and all the little stuff after this conversation.

  6. This is a great post that shows a great deal of self awareness. Lynda has fewer punishment spankings these days because she’s developing self discipline in areas that needed work.

    As for drama, I’ve certainly had plenty of it dating back to my childhood and I could do with less of it.

    I really appreciate the thought you and Grant put into this.

  7. I don’t know Grace, the idea of role play never appealed to me…but I have learned to never say never! ;)

    Kiwi, you’re exactly right, maintenance or who’s who spankings are a power exchange, as are some submission exercises we do from time to time. Those things all help, and he does numerous little things to keep us connected, me feeling his presence. This may indeed just be me feeling that things have changed, and not all change is a bad thing…right? I’ll keep reminding myself! “Change is good Sara, change is good!”

    Thanks Mikki, and it has been a lot of work…but just sometimes I miss the excitement of the journey. (I SO hope I am not jinxing myself here!!! :shock: )

    Susie, that’s exactly it : “there is something about that flip that your tummy does when you’ve crossed a line and are about to be taken in hand.” I think (?) I AM in hand. Sheesh…am I getting boring? Sigh….

    Mick, I’m really glad you and Lynda are making progress together. It’s so rewarding to put in the effort and see it begin to pay off!

  8. So you wonder now that you have reached this stage in your journey to wonder…. What now? It must be wonderful to reach the stage where you both are comfortable and happy with where you’re at but I see Susie’s point about the thrill of being taken in hand………. Hmmm I’m thinking maybe Grant will have taken on board what you’ve said? :)

    Dee x

  9. So many of us can’t imagine what that must be like, but rather see it as an end goal. Which is: having fewer punishments will make a calmer and more cohesive union. But I think there are a lot of us gals who are hoping for punishment to really click for our HOH still. We recognize that we need that kind of feedback and involvement from them. I never want it to feel like it’s a game though. Games are fun, and we do that as well. I just don’t blog about that part of our lives. I think punishment can be play-punishment and often what I read in blogland. It’s really “playing at” punishment. To me, that’s really erotic play with an element of discipline in it. There’s nothing wrong with it, and for some, that’s all that they want and need. What I wanted was real, and I recognized that when I read your earlier posts. We are serious about discipline, and so if it’s real, then it *isn’t* going to be something that you want. You must have noticed how much you have changed.
    Games can confuse a man too, if you’re sending mixed signals. It’s important to identify what you (as a woman) want from Dd. Games or real?
    I was very happy when I read how *real* it is for you and G. So real that it *really* changes you. Because that’s when I recognized *that* need in myself. Play punishment doesn’t change a person. It’s just the same game with a new name.
    You’ve obviously changed. So that’s a great place to be. You just need to “get used” to it. Thanks for a peek down the tunnel of love! -E

  10. Dee, there is a thrill, but I think it will be worth seeking my thrills elsewhere.

    Hmmm, Elysia, good observations on play, on Dd, on discipline and the differences. Yes, play discipline and real discipline are 100% different. Yes, it takes a good man, a man with humility, the kind you want, a while to wrap his mind around taking that kind of authority…to believe he has the right to discipline. It’s not an easy thing and not to be taken lightly.

    I think you’re right that where we are will just take some getting used to. And then…I’ll mess up and wonder what the heck I was complaining about!!!

  11. Oh my, not reached the ‘spank and chat (!) ‘ stage yet but the context and basis for spankings are developing quite nicely. Can identify with the desire to be punished, but if I was to fashion a situation the desire would go away in a puff of smoke (he saves the switch…and I hate,hate,hate it).Anyway, good times ahead which is good to know…Sarah,LD,OK

  12. Sara
    De-lurking briefly not only to say how much I enjoy your blog but also to say you have taken female multi-skilling to a new level..Quite how you can carry out a coherent and cogent conversation with Grant while you are draped naked over his lap and are addressing your words to the carpet is quite beyond me.Must be years of practice LOL

  13. Sarah, Grant also saves an implement that is not my friend for punishments. Very unfun.

    Hi Dan, and thanks for delurking! I can only talk during if he is not spanking too hard…when he steps it up, there’s no hope.

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