Dd Boot Camp

I’ve had two questions recently, and so I am going to talk a bit about Dd Boot Camp. The idea behind boot camp is to train and expose and instill discipline into a new recruit.

Military Boot Camp:

• is essential for the esprit de corps and cohesion for battlefield conditions
• gets the recruits used to instinctive obedience and following the orders
• enables large units to be marched and moved in an orderly manner
• creates the basis for action in the battlefield.

Aspects of basic training are psychological. The reasoning is that if a recruit cannot be relied upon to obey orders and follow instructions in routine matters it is unlikely that he or she will be reliable in a combat situation where there may be a strong urge to disobey orders or flee.  

The military knows that an officer is not made in a weekend, a week, or even a year, and to make a good soldier…well the basic training part of boot camp for new recruits is 10 weeks, fulltime, 7 days a week for just part one.

In Dd, when someone talks about boot camp they are usually talking about a weekend, a week, maybe a month, but then that would be when they are together, and when real life permits….working around jobs and kids, which leaves a few hours a day at most. Boot camp in the Dd world usually involves numerous spankings a day, with varied intensity from light to harsh and “just because”. There are rigorous punishments for a whole host of stepped up infractions…not the ones a couple will or could live with long-term. The supposed aim is to learn to give and take discipline…most often spankings, and to actually become more submissive and dominant. So…is the true goal of using Dd in your marriage to use discipline ‘just because’? Which wife wants to take a spanking when she knows she and he agree she has not earned it? Which husband wants to harshly spank his wife when she has not earned it? That would be only be a husband and wife who are dipping into sadomasochistic play.

How about looking at some other typical rules and activities:

1.      On Sunday when the kids are gone you will be naked and address me as “Sir”.

2.      You will be spanked multiple times each day, and will submit immediately.

3.      After each spanking you will kneel in the corner on a ridged mat (or dry rice) for 10 minutes.

4.      You will ask permission if you want to use the bathroom. I may say yes or no.

5.      You will not touch yourself without permission.

6.      You will not orgasm without permission.

These are just examples, things I have seen women write about on forums and in blogs. Here’s what people on Dd blogs and forums rarely will admit…What this really is, is BDSM:

BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

I am not going to delve into the age-old argument of whether Dd is really a subculture of BDSM. It doesn’t matter to me for us, nor for the point I am making here. But I have no doubt that the games that couples play when they do a Dd Boot Camp are games, and that it is indeed a “fantasy role play experience”. Dd Boot Camp is a form of play, play that is grounded in BDSM.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is not one thing wrong with a couple playing sexual games, playing with pain, or playing with their power exchange. Absolutely nothing! Adult married couples need to and should play with whatever they can have fun with, whatever turns them on. But can we be honest and say it is sexual play? Can we not pretend it is something done with the intent of re-organizing a marriage? Can we not pretend it will result in helping to develop a long-term improved relationship dynamic? It just won’t.

What we have found in the field of psychology, after many years of research, is that intense immersion in short-term behavioral programs does not offer long-term gain. With a one or two week or even a 30 day behavioral program, there is an immediate gain seen, and then over a week or two or four, the benefits slowly diminish and the participant regresses back to where they started. The only exception to that is where the participant is supported by regular and ongoing behavioral intervention and treatment. As soon as THAT stops, the behaviors most often return. Why? Because the behaviors are approached from the outside in, rather than the inside out, and no significant internal changes took place. If you are looking for significant and long-term improvements in the quality of your marriage and your life, then you need to look inwards. Changing a behavior in a non-sustainable environment will not be sustainable. Changing a behavior from the outside will not automatically trigger internal changes.

I understand that way back some person within the world of Dd, one who was not extremely advanced in their understanding of the complexity of the mind, the needs of the heart, and I would guess not long-term successfully married either…thought boot camp might be a neat idea: “Let’s immerse a woman in the rigors of training to follow orders, to accept discipline and kick-start Dd! Let’s immerse a man in the aspects of his role, so he feels at home giving orders, setting rules, and administering discipline!” I have always cautioned my readers to look carefully at who they take advice from. Who are these people behind the screen? How long have they been married? How long have they practiced Dd? How old are they? What does their real life marriage look like? Do you want what they have? If you don’t know, aren’t sure, think for yourself! If the answers to how long someone has been married are in single digits, and how long they have practiced Dd is under 5 years, they would not be anyone I would think to take advice from. I have high standards for myself and thus have high standards for my advisors. My first Dd mentor was a woman who had been married for over 20 years and practicing Dd for near 5 years at that time. I knew she had enough wisdom and experience to counsel me. My marriage is just too precious to allow myself to be guided by people who have more ideas than experience. And even then, I’d hear what she said, and then we’d make sure it was a good fit for us. Anyone who tells you “This is how to do Dd!” is not someone you should be listening to. Dd is a broad concept that involves incorporating  a power-exchange into a marriage for the purpose of enhancing a relationship. Exactly what that will mean for you in your marriage must be determined by you.

Way back, somewhere in year one of Dd I brought the idea of boot camp to Grant. Some of the Dd gals were doing it. I had read about it and wanted to give us every advantage we could get. Kick starting, or fast forwarding Dd sounded good! He threw back his head and laughed at me!

“First”, he said, “If I were going to spank you for every single tiny thing you did, I would have to spend my entire day spanking you and you’d never be able to sit down!”

Frankly, I was a bit insulted. “I’m, not that bad!”

“No, you are not bad at all. But you’re feisty and sassy and don’t much like to be told what to do.”

 “Ok, I guess that’s mostly true. But I am really trying!”

“Yes, you’re trying and you’re growing, as am I. Here’s the thing, I don’t want Dd to be about changing who you are, and I don’t want to become mostly a disciplinarian in our marriage either. I want us to grow together, to change from the inside out. That’s going to take some time and some patience. Really, I don’t want your obedience as much as your co-operation. I don’t want you to do or not do things just because of spankings, and frankly, I don’t want to have to punish you all the time to keep you in line. I want Dd in our marriage to be something that we mutually grow, together, that’s real in our lives. That boot camp thing is a game…a fantasy.”

Grant had never read about Dd Boot Camp, but instinctively he knew it was not where he wanted to direct our marriage to go. It was his call, of course, so I let it go, with some small secret disappointment. Now, 6 years later, I understand what he meant, and I realize how right he was, too.

That began a discussion about incorporating submission exercises into our marriage and we did and still do that. I know I have had many questions on that topic and I will post about that tomorrow.

We don’t do ‘boot camp’, never have, never will. That’s because we don’t believe boot camp has much to do with Domestic discipline nor will it bring us closer to the goals we have for our marriage. My husband is not much interested in having a wife who jumps when he says jump, nor does he wish to assert authority for it’s own sake. He also did not want punishment to be a big part of our dynamic. Grant was not “a spanko”. He wanted the need for punishment to diminish. He must have gotten that part right, because now, 6 and a half years into Dd, punishments are few and far between. He wanted a peaceful and harmonious marriage, and so everything he did was well thought out to aim us towards that goal. That’s an individual decision each couple has to make. What do you want your marriage to look like 5 years down the road? What will your Dd look like? That’s your choice. Do we play in our bedroom? We do. But that’s private, and not part of Domestic discipline and not what I talk about on this blog.