I’ve been checkmated.
“The term checkmate is an alteration of the Persian phrase “Shāh Māt” which means, literally, “the King is helpless” (or “ambushed”, “defeated”, or “stumped”, but not “dead”).”
Chess is a game that begins with two armies with two kings. It is a battle for supremacy. And after all, everyone knows that there can only be one ruling king on each board, or chaos ensues. In my case it might be more appropriate to say “The queen is stumped”.
I certainly don’t want to infer that TTWD is a game, for it is not ever that. However, my husband is supremely skilled in strategies…chess, poker…and he certainly has become skilled at TTWD. Grant is a fan of the motto “Work smart not hard”. This does not mean he doesn’t work hard, because he does, very hard, but he’s a thinker. He works his brain to achieve his goals, and his goals are very clear to him.
One example of this is his attitude towards punishment. There are two implements he likes and will use. When I ask why he likes THAT paddle so much, he responds with, “It has maximum effect with minimum effort.” He’s not wasting time or energy on something he doesn’t enjoy and he doesn’t intend for me to enjoy.
He also doesn’t and won’t spend much time playing games with the rules we have. If he tells me to do something he expects it to be done, and pretty early on he figured out that if he held the responsibility of checking up on me then it only complicated things. I have long been required to self-report. There’s no sneaking around and hoping it will go unnoticed. That means if I do something I am not supposed to do, he expects me to come tell him. If I didn’t do something I was supposed to do, he expects to hear about it. If I am pondering whether or not something is alright, he wants to be asked. If I know what to do, when and where, he really doesn’t want to hear about it!
So what’s this about? I let my exercise routine slip. It was not intentional and also not unnoticed by him…so semi-approved? Not really, but we both knew. And there’s been no ‘rule’ in place about exercise for a pretty long time because I was just doing it routinely. Over the holidays and with work being so intense these last few weeks, slowly I slipped into old habits or out of newer ones, and somehow in the last week there was less and less, and then there was none.
Friday afternoon he texted me at work: “6:30 dinner reservations. BYOB. I’ll bring wine” Well that was nice! I had no idea where we were going or whether there would be after dinner activities (a maintenance spanking?) but I came home in time to slip out of work clothes and into nice jeans for a date with my favorite guy. We had a lovely dinner, catching up on the week, and each other, and then he did indeed head home and told me to get ready for my spanking. There were some specific ‘submission’ instructions and play mixed in, with a moderate spanking after, and then we spooned in bed. And that’s when it happened.
“Did you exercise today?”
“No.”
“Yesterday?”
“No.”
He pulled me into him, and softly said, “When was the last time you exercised?”
“I honestly don’t remember…last weekend?”
“OK, we’ve let this slide, and you know how important this is.”
“I do know, and I was on top of it for so long…but somehow, with work… and this week I was not feeling well…”
“I know you weren’t. But it’s time to get back to it. Right?”
“Yeah, it is…but honestly… (‘Hush-up Sara!’ I warn myself in my head)….I feel no motivation.”
“How often were you exercising before the holidays?”
“Five days a week, some days twice when I could manage.”
And with no hesitation, Grant has my problem solved:
“This is what you’re going to do. You’re starting back tomorrow. You’re going to exercise five days a week…. And you’re going to come tell me each day that you have.”
“Uh, ok.” 
“If you miss telling me for two days in a row, you’re going to get punished, whether you’ve exercised or not.”
Silence…..
………………………………..
Checkmate!
One of the things this lifestyle has forced me to learn is humility. My ability to swallow my pride and do what it takes still ebbs and flows. I guess that is true of most of the bigger things we stretch to grow towards in our lives. And it can be the smallest things that are the hardest, the little day-to-day things, the in-the-moment acts of submission that require me to show my throat.
There’s part of me, still, that likes to pretend I am in charge…of me… at very least. And of course I am in charge of me! I can and do decide every moment of every day how I will conduct myself, whether I will honor and obey. And he decides how he will respond to my decisions. There are consequences set up within our marriage that have been pre-determined, discussed and agreed upon, for doing or not doing certain things, whereas in most marriages the consequences just occur as they do…unchecked and often recognized. There are always consequences in the world. That is the way of things and that awareness helps me to accept the harder parts of this dynamic….TTWD.
Bringing myself to Grant to say, out loud, “I have exercised today.” is hard! Why is it hard? Because it requires humility. It is such a small thing that requires such a huge acknowledgement. It’s saying, “You are in charge.”
Five days a week I am going to have to go to him and say that.
You sure named that one right. It does take humility and that is so hard. Not one of my best virtues but I am learning. Slowly but surely. It is nice to see Grant back on his game, keeping you in line… LOL Good luck
Sara, it’s difficult to reply to your posts because all I know about ttwd, you know already. But I will comment that (as you know) ttwd takes constant awareness and effort from both parties. And that while humility may be the particular challenge of the submissive partner, any dominant partner with the self-awareness to do this right must often confront it in himself. I admire the way you two work so well (and so hard) together.
Oh Sara… you probably know I have a different rule that has the same root effect. At first it was brutally hard. I still some days hate it. But oh I how miss it when I don’t have to, and how I crave it… until I forget.
Good luck (with the exercise too!)
s
I recognize the humility it requires from you. The same is true for Lynda. Sometimes, for her, the hardest thing about ttwd is verbally giving account to me. I think there have been many times she preferred the spanking.
I have often said to Lynda that we all have to account for ourselves. At work, this happens all the time. Both you and Lynda have told me that it’s just not the same thing.
To which all I can say is, “okay….”
Have a good and successful week.
This post is so close to the heart for me, as you know exercise is one of my actual rules, that quite often gets broken by me.
I think we all have that little part of us (and always will) that thinks we are still in charge and its times like this when a little humilty stands us in good stead and reminds us the “he” is in charge. Good move Grant and good luck Sara with your exercise. I think, if its OK with you, I may just use a little of your post to have a discussion with my Sir about my exercises. It might help.
Blondie, I’m still learning too. And it is nice that Grant is back on his game…that’s the conundrum…it’s nice and it’s not!
Kevan, I do know a lot about TTWD and yet have so much to learn..and sometimes I learn from the people who supposedly know the least…you also make me look back at myself…you know? Yes, a good dominant partner needs humility too…absolutely!
Yes s, aren’t we complex? I know just what you mean too! It’s…these things, are a comfort and an aggravation at the same time!
No Mick, it’s not the same thing. I’ll have to think on exactly why that is. No one is embarrassed to report to their boss…but to their husband?
Kiwi, exercise has always been a struggle for me too. Of course…tell your “Sir”…just don’t blame ME for the results!!!
Ha! That’s what I need to keep motivated!! Especially this time of year!
Guess you’ll be getting back into your routine pretty quickly, eh?
sarah
I know the feeling of “having ” to exercise, being a diabetic its my life…yet I dilly dally and” forget”,or to be honest simply don’t do it! Currently I’m in the correct frame of mind and am walking 30 minutes a day. WE are in charge of our minds and have a free will to make the things that count happen, You inspire me Sara, just reading how you sort things out and come to an end for your thoughts have made me think a little more clearly. Thank You~~~
Peter is eons apart from me in terms of logical and clear thinking.I can hear him now telling one of the children not to just seek him out with a ‘problem’ but rather come also with a ‘possible solution to the problem’.Jeepers creepers, how time efficient is THAT? I’m sucked into all kinds of comprimise , reasoning and cajoling all of which is enormously wearing .If he hesitated or became less robust in deciding how to resolve an issue or carry through punishment I think I’d now find it hard to move on.It is in many ways an enormous relief to be brought up sharp from time to to time.Sarah,LD,UK
I’m hoping M doesn’t read this post! With holiday chaos and all of us being sick behind us, I still haven’t found the motivation to exercise. It’s one of my rules, but he hasn’t asked, and I know he knows I’ve slipped. I absolutely agree that it’s painfully hard to report to my husband, even though I never had a problem reporting to a boss. Maybe it’s because when we first married, it was as “equals”. Work has always had a hierarchy. We’ve changed that in our relationship, but it’s hard to un-do 40+ years of attitude. Both kids are going away this weekend, so we finally have some “us” time coming. This could be good or bad, or both. Maybe I need it to be bad so I can get back on track. Then the rest of the year would be good!
. At least that’s what I’m hoping. Exercise is a double four-letter word, which makes it miserable in my book, but I know I need to do it to stay healthy. I guess we can all pretend we’re working out together and improving our relationships, as well as our health.
“Bringing myself to Grant to say, out loud, “I have exercised today.” is hard! Why is it hard? Because it requires humility. It is such a small thing that requires such a huge acknowledgement. It’s saying, “You are in charge.”
I’m terrible at little things like that. I hate feeling like I’m being told to do something or asking for permission. Good luck with getting back on track.
Sarah, Grant’s technique was indeed efficiant and effective!
Well you’re welcome Annie…let’s hope I can keep my own thoughts properly sorted and myself moving!
Sarah, it is that, an enormous relief, and yet…not …exactly ‘fun’, is it? And “girls just wanna have fun”…right?
“it’s hard to un-do 40+ years of attitude”… It sure is D!
Lea: “I hate feeling like I’m being told to do something or asking for permission.” Um…yeah…but I AM being told what to do and I DO have to ask permission! That’s kinda the whole point!
Having a working dog as a pet means it is impossible not to get exercise…daily! Come wind, ice, rain, hail, storms, snow, sub zero temperatures…there she is at the door, waiting for her daily 5 mile walkies….even when I have been at work from 7am-11pm…. she greets me happily at the door, when all I want to do is crawl into bed…. it’s why I often don’t get to bed till 2am….
Have fun with the exercises, Sara, good for Grant that he is “helping” you! xxxxxxxx
Kudos to Grant, the perfect way to get you to exercise! I have been letting my routine go by the wayside also, and trying to get motivated again. Humility, having to report , and say the words out loud…I get it, it can be so hard, it is such a strong reminder. abby
Based on your personality, which you have described here as being a leader and not a natural submissive, reporting to Grant must seem daunting now for obvious reasons. Hang in there. He’ll make it easy on you. BTW I did just read that there is an interesting and calming energy exchange that results in a neurophysiological calming of the throat bearer, during the exact moment. Interesting, it is almost as if we can relax when we are truly humble/humbled when it is a choice. Fighting to the death (of a relationship – as you’ve written about) isn’t a choice. So this calmness in humility … Who Knew?
I must admit that I squirmed while I read this…as the topic hits a little too close to home. I’ve had to go to my husband a couple times lately to tell him that I have or have not done something and I’ve been wondering why it is so difficult. I’ve been telling him on the phone or even better, sending emails. It’s so much easier than looking him in the eye and “reporting in”. I’ve been unsure as to why, but you hit it on the head, it’s humbling and an affirmation that he is in charge. Ugh, I’ve been bobbing and weaving and didn’t quite realize it. I’ll try doing it in person the next time….I’ll try.
Grant is a smart man, and I don’t think I need my M to be quite this smart anytime soon.
And Daisy, I do know and appreciate that he is “helping me.
Sigh, yes Abby…pretty effective all the way around!
“calmness in humility” KayLynn, did you make that up?
Susie, just about anything is “easier than looking him in the eye and “reporting in”.” I was toying with the idea of texting?!?
Michael read this and seemed impressed with Grant’s approach. This worries me! lol Humility…you have me thinking now. I hope this change ends up being a good one for both of you Sara! (pssst, have you asked him if texting would be appropriate?)
Interesting/weird, the other day I almost asked about your workouts. He’s good. No “toe-on-the-line” to be found here. Is he letting you text the message? Humility and keeping the two of you connected… sounds like you will be back in the swing of things in no time!
It is nothing like the reporting to a superior at work! Plus, I’m used to being the superior…..I don’t like it at all. Nope, I don’t. And yet my knees weaken immediately in the presence of the man who demands my accounting. Sigh. Of course there are worse problems!
Saoirse
I find it very very hard (impossible?
to swallow my pride. Txting is much easier……….. but I’m thinking not nearly as effective if looking at it in wider terms. I was going to forward Mitch this post….. but I’ve changed my mind 
Dee x
Grace, I know it will keep me exercising, and it is certainly not the first time Grant has asked me to report in, just the first time to say ‘I have done’ rather than ‘I have not done’ and the 1st time daily.
Golde, he long ago learned to pre-empt my toe touching!
And that’s the rub Saoirse! I too am used to being the authority at work…and yes, I could not truly respect a man who would let me run him.
Dee, swallowing your pride is not easy, but directly correlates to the ultimate success of a love relationship. Love and pride cannot coexist. No…I did not even ask about the texting…I know it’s not the right thing to do, at least not for the purpose of avoiding him!
Avoidance, I’m rather good at that. Love and pride cannot coexist – ugh! But WHY not lol!!!! Ok
your reply has hit home to me, I felt an uncomfortableness reading it. Why? Because I hold onto my pride as much as I do everything else. I need to let it go, a bit 
Thanks Sara
Dee x
Hi Sara,
I have a different take if the primary goal is staying on track with exercise and getting into the habit/routine, as opposed to the primary goal of humility/submission.
If so, then maybe try working it into the conversation. Things like “I think someone put glue in the eliptical. It was on the easiest setting and I am just exhausted.” or “Wow, it only took me 50 minutes to swim my km instead of the usual hour!” or “It took everything I had to drag myself off to the gym today”. You get the idea. I find that when I am on track with diet/exercise then I seem to have these conversations with my husband just because. It may feel more natural – more like sharing, less like reporting.
In my experience, reporting to a boss tends to be “project X is on track but we are running into snags with Y because we can’t get in touch with marketing.” It feels more like sharing information and establishing a relationship, whereas what you seem to see Grant wanting is “Yes, sir(?)
I exercised today.”. If you could see it more as information sharing and relationship building would that help you get your mind around it?
“Boss” conversations have an underlying tone of taking pride in your work, being on top of your game, etc. Then we go home to our husbands, where we don’t have to put on an act. Maybe that is the difference?
R.
R-
I think you have a great point! Re-framing is a wonderful skill and thanks f or reminding me how handy it can be. I guess one thing that makes a difference though was my boss never looked around for a wooden spoon…
Saoirse
Honeslty, I wish Dutch would do more stuff like that with me. I don’t really have any accountability for just the everyday livign things. I mostly have accountability for my attitude.
I hope you make it. But a question. You have to excercise 5 days a week and cannot miss two days in a row. What constitutes a week and the 5 days and the 2 days? So is a week Sun-Sat and if you don’t excercise Sun and Mon, but do Tues-Sat, does that constitute two missed days?
Sorry, I’m being mischevious. I think I need a spanking!
Good luck!
Kelly
I’m happy to see Gran’st back on your case Sara:)
P’s told me I need to get back on track with exercise and as he said he’s more than willing to help and I know exactly the sort of help he means but it does work, doesn’t it?
Take it slow thought not having exercised for a while.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
I guess there’s different kinds of pride Dee, and the kind that makes/allows you to keep up walls and that which divides you from those you love is worth letting go of. I learned the hard way.
I’m not sure just what the difference is R. I rarely report to anyone in the work place! And Grant has made this easy. The first time I went to him, he thanked me. Somehow, to work it into discussion for the purpose of avoiding reporting does not quite seem the right thing to do. Yes, I am sure his purpose was simply to get the exercise done, but I think I should be able and willing to report.
Saorise, there is THAT! And also, I guess I have reframed it by deciding to see this as Grant’s wish to help me, not to trip me up. He has been very supportive.
Kelly, Grant is too smart to get caught in loopholes! I have long had to exercise 4 weekdays and one weekend day. The skipping two days was two days of reporting, not too days of exercise. I usually skip exercising on a day when I have to drive into the city for work…my longest workday.
Yes indeed Ronnie, it does work…darnit!
Sara,
Just really found your blog, book-marked it too. It’s hard isn’t it when you fall out of a seemingly, well-established routine? It’s happens so quickly too…
Hugs,
mouse
I guess G figured out that you needed some help with this. H will sometimes say, “I can help you with that”, when I share my own disappointment with what I feel is a shortcoming in myself. He has not discovered this kind of strategy though- thank goodness! And I must say G really did put you into a checkmate situation. Ahh, cute checkmate- Check (on) Mate.
Self check-in is just very clever. It seems that we are living in an automated society, even in Dd. lol Just kiddin you.
Good luck with the exercise routine. It must be hard squeezing it in lately.
So….did you exercise today?
I actually have been great about exercising lately (only not today). And, at this moment of waiting for my HOH to really fully embrace his new role (which he is doing more easily every day much to my perverse consternation of finding out that he can really be very firm on subjects I do not wish him to be firm about), I am profoundly happy to tell you that, not only did I not exercise today – I am currently feasting (yes, feasting I say), on jelly bellies and cocoa carumba bars.
I’ll have an extra bite for you while I wallow in my self-indulgence tonight.
Meanwhile you can feel the burn for both of us.
Have a great workout, Sara….
Hi mouse, and welcome! yes, it’s easy to fall out of routine and hard to get back in!
Elysia, it IS hard squeezing it in, but taking care of myself needs to be high on my priority list, right? And yes…G knows a good leader delegates!
Lori, I did indeed exercise today…and yesterday. I have not missed a day yet. I am jealous of your sugar fest!!!