I guess one of the great lessons of my life has been understanding that life is about holding my head up, keeping my feet moving, finding the good in life when some pretty hard and sometimes awful things are happening. Life is like that. There is joy and there is sorrow.
I’ve had some pretty difficult things happen around me to people I love. I am not sure of it is worse when it’s happening to you or someone you hold dear. I don’t even know if that contest has a winner. Pain is pain, and there’s been more than enough to go around.
When I get stressed, or down, and especially when I start to become weary with fighting my urge to just get into bed and pull the covers over my head, I withdraw. I seem to need to. I make my circle smaller…take in less. I think it’s simply conservation, so that I can preserve what energy I have to keep going.
I finally figured out about a week ago that I was grieving. I am facing loss…again. And when I grieve, perhaps because grief has been such an ongoing and pronounced issue in my life, it brings up the old losses. It can also start me worrying about the future ones. “Anticipatory Grief” can bog me down.
It’s all “normal” human process. There is grief as we pass through the stages of our lives, grief as we lose loved ones, grief as our children move on, grief as relationships change, grief as we face old age, grief as we lose our capacities, face our limitations, face our mortality. Limitations. I am all about fighting my way through barriers, stepping over perceived limitations. But sometimes there really are limits, brick walls in life that I can’t move, things I can’t change or fix or control. Reality can hurt, especially when bad things happen to good people.
When people you love get sick, when bodies fail, when loved ones die…you not only face your own mortality but you face the reality that you have no control. We have no control over the things that matter. We live in this world and do what we do and make our choices as if we have them…and we do indeed. But in the end the big stuff just happens, and we have to learn to deal with it.
I’ve been very sad and I wasn’t able to dance for a while…but I think I’m starting to hear the music again. It’s still a bit feint, but I’ve finally got some toe tapping going on. Dancing in the rain takes courage, but it’s the only way to truly LIVE life, isn’t it?
Just keep skipping between the raindrops. Glad you are feeling better emotionally. Life can be exhausting.
Keep listening for the music, and know that you have lots of people out here pulling for you. Although we have never met, I think of you as a friend, and I pray that you will pull through this storm to find a beautiful rainbow waiting for you!
People who love hard grieve hard. Someone said that grief is the price we pay for love. I guess it’s worth it.
As we get older, there’s more and more to grieve about. I’ve been thinking that there’s got to be a way to live gracefully with the losses. Dancing in the rain sounds like a good philosophy.
So true how we can take on the pain of another – especially those we care so much about. Now I’m sad for you too! I often find myself with those same feelings of “anticipatory loss” both for myself, and those around me. Something struck me just like this on Tuesday. I’ve been consumed by a it a bit. I will try to dance in the rain too, but honestly, wet clothes tend to get heavy, don’t they? In fact it feels so much better after a hot bath once the dance is over. Calgon anyone?
I completely understand about moving your circle inward and taking on less. It’s self preservation, and simply emotional priorities. I think everyone can relate there.
Letting go of control over that which we have none- well that’s just “the wisdom to know the difference”. Getting to *that knowing* is not always easy, and no one can do it but you. There’s no road map either or GPS. Yes, that’s what we need.-some kind of radar for things over which we have no control.
I do hope you are dancing a jig soon- or a waltz or the samba, maybe just something free form? Gene Kelly had the right idea I suppose.
Love the painting.
Though of course our circumstances are different, I could relate to a lot in this post. I’m glad to see you back and toe tapping and I hope you’ll feel up to dancing in the rain again very soon. (((hugs)))
Sunny Girl, There’s been a down pour and I’m pretty well drenched, but I WILL keep moving!
D, thank you…I feel we are ‘friends’ too. Bring on those rainbows!
I know it’s worth it Mick…but it does seem to get harder, doesn’t it?
Elysia, letting go of the illusion of control, “the wisdom to know the difference”….yeah, I continue to work on that one. A GPS…I like it!
Grace, I seem to have 2 left feet some days. I might need dance lessons!
Very glad you’re starting to hear the music again Sara.
Dee x
Being cheery all the time is hard work, especially since life’s a bed of roses, which means we keep rolling over on a thorn or two. I hope you feel better soon, Sara.
Hugs,
Serenity E
Sara, when I was struggling some years back and was trying to deal with it by shutting down my emotions and withdrawing from life, these words from William Blake helped me understand the lesson that you seem already to have come to. Like most of Blake’s poetry, it seems naive on the surface, but it is not.
It is right that it is so:
Man was made for joy and woe—
And when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine;
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
I think Blake would have well understood the concept of dancing in the rain.
Read this and thought I’d have something insightful to say, but then I saw what Mick said…how about if I just agree with him b/c it is so true. The people who care the most hurt the most. No, you can’t fix it or control it, but you sure can be a great friend in the middle of the rough spots.
Keep tapping, even if it’s just one baby toe at a time.
Anticipatory loss….oh,I’m with you.Right or not I block out each and every thought of loosing my mother (my Dad died a few years ago).She gave me and my brothers and sister everything.She worked night shifts as a Nurse so that I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times anyone else looked after us.That kind of security and consistency stays with you for the rest of your life.She is a hard act to follow ! Thinking of you.Sarah,LD.UK
Thanks Dee!
Serenity, cheery all the time? I think I missed that memo!
Try this one Kevan, On Joy and Sorrow, by Kahil Gibran: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/joy-and-sorrow-chapter-viii/
I’m tapping Susie!
Sarah, I have lost both my parents, and I do understand that anxiety. There is no point in dwelling on it, is there? Enjoy your time with her!
Please remember to let yourself crawl into bed and grieve when you feel it. As you know: The only way out is through.
We’ll all keep singing and dancing so you can catch the sounds and make your way through.
Saoirse
Sara, obviously when you love, you love completely. I don’t know why the saying that “it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved” is so true. Losing really stinks. I hope you can lean on Grant during your sad times. Dancing in the rain with him might be more fun than just dancing.
{{Hugs}} Sara,
I think it’s harder to watch the people I love be in pain. I’d much rather feel it myself. But the pain of loss is the worst. I imagine it like a light in my world that has gone out and, even though there are many other lights, nothing can ever replace that one sparkly, unique light that is gone. There is no question that my life is a little darker for the loss. It balances out in time. But while you are going through the process, schedule yourself ‘zoning out’ time or ‘crying’ time or ‘being down’ time. Be kind and easy on yourself.
Lori
Thank you for this post. I have experienced a great deal of grief during this past year and you explained it well. Thanks.
I’m sorry to hear of your pain
Loss comes in many forms and for those of us that are older loss is part of who we are. There is a strength and resilience that comes from loss overcome. Life, renewed joy and love become more precious after grief is worked through. You have a special gift in Grant. The foundation of love, trust and respect you have with him will give you a safe place to grieve, process the pain and ultimately heal. God’s grace. DeeDee J
Grieving is good. Crying is good. Being aware of, and in touch with, your emotions is good…
The saying “Time is a good healer” I think is slightly out….. I don’t think time heals, it just gives you the space to deal with the pain, process it, and learn to cope with it, so it doesn’t feel so raw.
We all have ways to cope with grief, stresses and strains, and if it works for you, don’t feel bad about it.
Dancing in the rain sounds an excellent way to pull yourself round. I sing, and very loudly. I put on a praise/worship cd and sing at the top of my voice. It lifts me within minutes, though it depresses the rest of my family who run for the ear defenders!!!!
Bless you, may your heart be full of joy again very soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saoirse, you’re right of course, about moving through, but there’s a balance to be struck. I’m trying to find mine.
Blondie, I am trying to lean on him, although my instinct is to pull away, which makes it hard for both of us.
That’s good advice Lori. Again, it’s all about finding the right balance, isn’t it?
I’m sorry for your pain Sarah. You certainly are not alone.
Dee Dee J, I am pretty practiced at loss and grief and yes, it does make you stronger…but somehow it does not get easier, except, I do know this too shall pass!
Daisy, If I sang loud I would have dogs howling and family complaining. ( I always wished for a voice!) But yes, I am doing some things that give me peace and relief. Thanks for the good wishes!
Sarah, Thanks for sharing this. Alot has happened this past year and this helped.
So sorry Sara for your hard times….life is full of so much joy and at the same time such intense pain. I pray that you will find a rainbow to cheer you, a cup of tea to warm you, and a hug to comfort you.
Unfortunately we have just roll with the die and go with whichever way it falls dear sara. Im sorry you have been going through a tough sad time…glad you can hear some music again though…thinking of you. love and hugs kiwi xxx
Jean, I guess it helps to know you are not alone…you keep dancing too, ok?
Thanks Ashley, that was kind and much appreciated.
Thanks Kiwi! I am indeed starting to feel better.