I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Till Landslide brought me down
Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
How to explain where I’ve been? I’ve been grieving, mourning, knitting, cooking, working, loving my children and holding on to my husband, and trying to handle the seasons of my life. It’s not been with much grace recently. There has been too much anxiety, tears and fears and trying to let go and move on from what I desperately wish I could hold onto.
It began with a dear friend having a massive heart attack, then another facing early blindness. I have been called upon to change plans, cancel vacations, cover long hours at work. Then the friend who is recovering from the heart attack was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Ironically the heart attack may just save his life. He has talked to me about planning a “funeral party”. We’d all dress in black, listen to the music he chooses, tell stories and jokes about him, and celebrate his life while he is there to enjoy it with us. Really? Perhaps it is not just me; maybe we have all lost our minds.
My children are pulling away and heading into their lives. ..As they should. Our oldest is making plans to marry. He and his girlfriend are moving in together in about 6 weeks. They are not yet formally engaged, will wait for that, but there are discussions between them, with both sets of parents, with us. She’s a sweetheart and good for him, but they seem so young, and I am not ready. Yes, it is all about me!
Our daughter is busy, finding her path, intentionally making space between her and me…to help her feel more grown up. I am trying very hard to give her that space but I miss her tremendously.
Our y0ungest son is working hard to be accepted into a professional program in England that would be fabulous for him. The last piece will be his interview next week. It could open doors to educational opportunities in New York or Los Angeles or in Europe…he’s on his way. I am so excited for him, and yet know already that the letting go will mean I live with a deep ache for a long time. When the time comes I’ll smile and push him out the door, and then, when he’s gone, I will cry. I’ve done it before when the others left for college. They came back. I’m not so sure about this one. His life may take him to wonderful faraway places.
And me…because it is all about me…right? I’ve been so tired, pretty down, fighting to get through my very busy work days. I thought I was bordering on depression, and maybe some of it is that, but I’ve had other physical symptoms for a time that finally became impossible to live with. I’ve seen Dr’s and it turns out I have a benign tumor, and am now scheduled for surgical consults and preparing for a hysterectomy. It is indeed the end of a season of my life. I don’t know exactly why that hurts so much, but it does. It’s about letting go, facing changes. The seasons of my life are passing.
We can’t go home again. My home will never be the same. I have no parents, no siblings, and now my children are moving on into their adulthood. And how ironic is it that I am losing my womb?
So many of you have written and I’ve not been very responsive. I’m sorry. I was not ready to write it all out, to spread my woes all over the internet. There’s enough of that out there already! And I’ve felt fragile.
Grant has been a rock. He’s really busy. He’s working and teaching, still doing his Master’s Degree and holding on to me all at the same time. One night in bed I asked him “Please don’t let me drift away.” He pulled me to him tightly and said “Relax! You’re not going anywhere!”
Thank God for strong husbands! And no, I am not going anywhere.