So why am I still blogging? I guess a couple of people are wondering. I think I am still here because I have persistently believed it was important to talk about the realities of life, of marriage, and of course, of living with Domestic discipline. At this moment we are living without, but I somehow feel I still have some things worth saying.
I have thought long and hard about writing about this, and ultimately decided it needed to be said. We are not actively living a Dd lifestyle. I can hardly believe I am writing this. After all, we have consistently for near 7 years… but in truth, right now we are not. When relationships suffer or lose their Dd mojo, most bloggers fade into the sunset. They either quietly disappear, or they say “good bye” and bow out. Why is that? I think it is partly out of shame and partly because it’s not quite polite to talk about unpleasantries. I’m about to get unpleasant.
In my life right now, there’s no spanking, no discipline, no typical dominance or submission. What would I possibly have to share? I’ve been contemplating that question. Of course it has occurred to me to go quiet…to spare myself and my readers our sense of confusion and loss and pain. I’ve decided not to do that.
Why? Because the unspoken truth is that others in this community live and love with similar hardships. We all like to think of and present our Dominant partner as being together, healthy and strong, and ourselves, the submissive partner, as being the one who takes direction and correction. That’s the perfect model but real life is not made up of perfection alone.
I have a friend in a DD marriage whose husband suffers from depression and anxiety. At times it affects his ability to function well. Right now, while he is not well, there is no Dd. I have another whose husband has Parkinson’s Disease. PD is complicated, but first there was Dd for years, then eventually it was sporadic, and now they can play with D/s, but he is not consistently well enough to be the HoH.
My husband has a neurological condition that has been in remission for years. For a while I have seen signs, but now it is very clear that he is ill again. In his case his perceptions and moods are effected, and his ability to function well is compromised. There can be no Dd….at least not at this time.
How you get from here to there is such a tough thing. Seeing signs, figuring out of it is you or him, and then putting Dd on hold is beyond painful. You ask yourself, “Is this an argument, like so many we’ve had, where we just can’t see eye to eye, or is this something more?” And you don’t know for a while. But one day it begins to dawn, then becomes clear that something is wrong. Your wonderful loving and dominant man is just ‘not himself’. I’m sure what that looks like is different for each of us, but I know I am not alone.
And then what? Do I withdraw consent? Tell him he’s no longer HoH? Pull the rug out from under the man I love who’s already suffering? I will if I have to, and I want to be very clear about that. Thankfully, I have not had to…so far. Because of my recovery from surgery, because of his awareness, it goes unspoken that Dd is on hold.
I remember reading in The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle her advice that if your husband is not 100% reliable, if he is an alcoholic, has severe psychological problems, has anger management problems, has been physically violent, surrendering control is not a good idea. It’s not. It’s not smart or healthy or in any way a viable idea to surrender or submit to a partner who can’t take care of you emotionally. If you’re not safe to free fall with your Dominant then don’t let go!
I’m waiting. It’s so hard…to wait for my guy to regain his footing, to return to himself. There are Doctors and I have hope. Until then, my HoH is unable to lead, and as smoothly as I can, I am steering our ship. It’s not the job I would have chosen, but it’s the job that needs doing.
I have been beyond sad, and so alone, because he’s here, but not here in the ways he was, in the ways I need him to be. But he’s ill. My needs are not being met. His needs are not being met. We are beyond unhappy. But…we take things day by day.
“In sickness and in health…” Easier said than done.
My husband is still dominant, well..because that is naturally what he is. But he’s giving me lots of room. What remains for me is a quiet submission. I am trying hard to take care of myself, to be kind to my husband, to hold us together. I am trying hard to be there for him even when I don’t feel close to him. I am trying to stay as open as I can, where and when I can. I am trying to honor all we have built together and all I have learned and become in these last 7 years, without his guidance. I’m holding on.