For a while now, this is what our lives have looked like. So many random puzzle pieces, mostly in disarray. I wasn’t even sure we had all the pieces, let alone are we sure how to fit them all back together. The edge is in place. When assembling a large puzzle, if you have that border built, that boundary gives you the shape and then you can begin to fill in the pieces. In marriage I guess that border would be the commitment and the love. Love is important, but it is not enough. Commitment is what gets you through the roughest parts of this thing called marriage.
It seems there are so many pieces to our puzzle that it’s hard to know if we even have them all collected yet. We’ve spent the last week, as my body has substantially healed, and Grant is beginning to feel substantially better, to try to find our scattered pieces.
I collected as many as I could, and I’ve been holding on. Now Grant is finding some missing pieces, and it feels more like a joint effort, which is of course, what a good marriage needs to be.
And we want a good marriage. Being married is not the goal. Having a vibrant and fulfilling relationship is our goal. Growing and evolving together, as a couple, and as individuals. So much easier said than done, but I don’t want to settle. Neither does he.
So about those pieces. We’re talking a bit more, and we’ve agreed there are a few things we just won’t talk about, at least for right now. We’ve decided that when either of us feels we’re nearing an emotionally dangerous place, when we feel we might be nearing upheaval or upset, we will say “I need to table this”, and we will allow the other to walk away. It can be taken up later. While I think we’re both impatient, we’re taking a long-term view of the rebuilding of our marriage, reestablishing the communication and the trust. As long as we both know there will be consistent effort, we can try to be patient with each other, to give it and ourselves time. I’m leaving tomorrow for a week at the beach with our daughter. We both think the away time will be a good thing, which is not common for us. But then, these are uncommon times.
Last night we went out on a date, the first in many months. It was nice, fun even. We had dinner and actually enjoyed each others company. Possibly due to the two martinis and possibly because I was ready, we were able to connect intimately last night, and while neither my body nor my heart is healed, nor his for that matter, it was a good place to start. I slept in his arms, and that is healing for us both.
Aside from one gentle attempt, there really has been no spanking for many months. Two weeks ago we talked about the lack. He told me he would not even try until he judged I was ready, physically and emotionally. That was reassuring. He told me last night that he wants to spank me today. “Nothing too intense, but I think we need to make a start.” I simply said “ok”. It is ok. Well, I think it will be.
I’m hoping for a hand spanking. I think we need to feel each other that way. I think we need to start back at the beginning. Somehow it all feels new again, and even a bit scary. But I am willing to try, and so is he.