And So It Begins....Again

I’ve blogged here for a long time, still, after months away, it’s a bit uncomfortable to begin again. I feel pretty remote, disconnected from my cyber world, my friends, certainly your blogs and your lives. But, I do know you’re all out there. I’ll soon take the plunge and visit. I miss you!

So, here goes round two. I’m back.

So much has happened. There’s too much to catch up on all at once. Grant and I are together and we’re working our way back to a better and more connected relationship than what we’ve had in the past year. It’s been pretty darn rough. I won’t pretend and say I always knew we’d make it, because there were times, hours, days, when I wondered if we’d be one of those couples that simply fell apart after 30 years. Gals do fall down rabbit holes, I hear.

My alternative worry was that we’d live as roommates, not good friends, not lovers….just an old “married” couple. People do. My grandparents were a perfect example. I’m pretty sure now that that’s not going to happen (and I can hear Grant’s comment in my mind on that scenario) but I also know it’s a long way back, or forward (as the case may be), from where we were, to where we are, to where we want to be.

We’ve not practiced Dd for close to a year now. First it was my health, a decline with no apparent reason, then serious health issues, then surgery and then recovery. And in the midst Grant’s health issues hit. We learned that Dd is not really workable in a marriage where one of you is seriously unwell. Now, we’re both pretty healthy, but recovery is not complete, physical or emotional. Thus slowly and carefully we’re working on our marriage with patience, frustration, finally more humor, and with much determination. Stubbornness can be a wonderful quality when it’s turned in the right direction, and that we have in abundance, the both of us. Wow is long-term marriage a tough road!

I’ve learned some things in the past year.

1) Spanking, and thus Dd, IS in fact a sexually based activity.

At least it is for me. When I had the complete hysterectomy, and thus lost both ovaries, and thus all hormone production ceased immediately, my interest in spanking disappeared. I don’t mean for a while. I mean that when I was well enough to participate in physical activities again, I had zero interest in sex, in spanking, in the D/s dynamic… all gone! It was a very bizarre feeling, as if someone had flipped an internal switch, and that part of my body and mind simply ceased to function. That’s been a shake up for me, and for Grant too. I’ve never lived without a hint of a libido, and it’s quite odd. This has taken our relationship to a place we’ve never been, and never expected to go. One thing we always had between us was passion, and now one of us was (is?) missing in action. I’m getting better. My body is healing and I feel hints of responses. I’ve tried a few things and am now pursuing treatment with a hormone specialist. That’s new and I’m pretty sure I feel small changes. I hear distant echoes. I expect and hope time will bring me to a more restored and “normal” place.

What I now know for sure is that if there is no turn-on happening, you may not have a shred of interest in being dominated. Then so many aspects of Dd…being told what to do, held accountable, let alone being spanked, holds no interest and I perhaps no value at all. Your heart and mind need to be on board with the process, and if you don’t derive adult benefits, then Dd is simply behavior modification….like dog (wife) training. I/we never wanted that for ourselves.

I wrote some months ago about withdrawing consent. I have taken my time and done much soul-searching to decide if I even wanted to go back to a Dd lifestyle. At first I just needed time, time to heal, time to rebuild trust, and then I found I needed time to get my head and heart back in the game. If it’s not there, then it’s just not. There’s no faking it till you make it with Dd.

I stepped completely away from Dd, my blog, others blog, any reading about Dd…all of it. Finally, after a long hiatus, I tried reading a Dd story. Honestly, a part of me was left with…”Why would any woman accept that? Why did I ever want that? Do I want that? … Really?” I was unable to connect with the zing. And you know what…without the zing, Dd is not anything I would want to live with.

So…there I was with no zing, huge feelings of loss, and a husband who felt rejected and pretty down. I understand the rejected part. Withdrawing consent is huge. But it was as much for me as against him. It was also for us. I withdrew consent because I truly needed to, and in retrospect I believe it was the right thing to do…for ME. I needed to step away and have time and space to heal. I needed to reassess and figure out what would work for me as I am now. Grant and I also needed healing time as a couple, away from the complexities of a Dd dynamic.

Aside from my needs and wishes, I have also come to understand more fully that this lifestyle is something my husband very much wants and also needs. That’s a factor here too. He is clear that he wants me, even more than Dd, but he very clearly wants and believes we need to have a Dd marriage. I am pleased and reassured that although there were arguments and threats, he respected my boundaries. Ultimately he waited and let me set my pace. He told me he would be patient. He told me he doubted we’d do well without Dd. He even demanded consent a time or two. He told me once that I would be getting punished if we were doing Dd. I had to remind him, “Well we’re not right now.” He’s waited.

Grant is dominant, and I allowed him to evolve into A Dominant. Neither of us even knew what D/s was when I brought Dd to him, and neither of us had begun to explore those facets of ourselves, but once those doors are opened how do you shut them? Only sadly, I think, with regret and a huge sense of loss. How do you grow parts of yourself and then just put them away? So, as he’s a true D…we work best as a couple when I can get my s on. Now, it’s a matter of figuring out where the heck I left mine. If anyone finds some unclaimed submission lying around would you please send it my way?

2) The D/s dynamic is a true part of who I am. (When I have all of me intact, at least.)

I have recently come around to knowing that I do still want this lifestyle for myself, and I want it for us. Those are two separate things. I went from reading stories and thinking “huh?” to at least intellectually getting it. I thought it through and came to the decision that I did want Dd back in my life because it brings me a sense of peace and safety that is unique, that feels right for me deep down inside. And I want that interaction with Grant, the intimacy and surrender. As I am starting to feel just a little zing again it’s depressing to think of not having Dd, of not having that sense of connection, vibrancy, and interdependence between us. I could live that way, but I’d rather not. I made my choice again and I told Grant that consent was given.

Interestingly, he waited quite some time to do anything with that. I am sure he was relieved, but he felt I was not ready. I was confused at first, but fine with it, too. He began some maintenance spankings again. Can I tell you that a year later I can barely manage to get through a hand spanking? He also began by reminding me of things he disapproved of, but there were no punishments. I was fine with that too. I did ask about it though, and he told me that he thought I was not ready, and when he felt I was and we were, he would progress as he felt we should. I am uncharacteristically very fine with that too. I feel very much at peace with continuing to let him set the pace, call the shots, do what he needs, to do what he thinks I need. Somewhere in my head my feelings about of Dd round 2 are very different. This version of Dd feels different from it was. I am different.

We’ve started Dd and I had my 1^st P last week. Grant gave me 5 whacks with a wooden spatula for telling him to “Go to hell!” It was all a misunderstanding and said (sort of) half in jest, but…apparently not to be tolerated. Have I mentioned I’ve changed? The old Sara didn’t things like that! The 5 whacks hurt like crazy because I have basically not been spanked for a year, certainly not with a piece of wood, but frankly it also felt kind of dumb. Um…so whacking me with a spatula is going to help me remember not to curse at you? Nah. Ok, maybe. Hmmm, I truly don’t know. I guess it emphasized his point, but as always, spanking is not to make you do or not do but to communicate that he’s serious in his expectations, right? I don’t want to even think much about it right now. I don’t want to create our Dd, drive it, or worry about it. This time, round 2, I think it’s his to worry about!

I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on me in the last 6 months. Not on us. I’ve needed to focus on myself to heal. Part of me wants to get back to putting us first and part of me (this is going to sound terrible) doesn’t care quite as much as I used to. I do care about us, but about his expectations, his ideas, his rules…eh, maybe not quite so much. Maybe I’m just out of practice? Seriously, it’s going to be kind of hard to go back to prioritizing in that way. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to work this time around. I’ve been through a life changing event. The old Sara wanted Dd desperately and worked really hard at it. Yes I want Dd again. I want the results, but I’m less excited about my bottom paying the price. The new Sara is kind of feeling like if Grant has the need to make rules and enforce them I’ll try to comply…but I’m not so gung-ho about it in the same way. I am feeling a kinship I never had with those women who consent to Dd relationships because it is good for their marriage and because their husbands really want it and believe it’s good for their marriage. I won’t be complaining if he misses a spanking or bends a rule. Maybe that’s not a bad thing either, just different. It will be interesting to see where he decides to take us.