We’ll, the funny thing is, I was thinking this morning about writing a post on being a professional woman, the alpha at work, while trying to meld that with being a surrendered (if not submissive) wife at home. Just today another DD wife wrote to me:
I’m writing to you “as someone who might well understand the difficulties associated with making the transition from a leadership position at work to a submissive role with an alpha male Hoh – who will not have it.”Yes, I sure do understand the difficulties and have provided a stellar example of what not to do and how not to handle those transitions myself today!
As we’ve been working our way back into active Dd we’ve been kind of in a ‘DD-lite’ phase. Grant has been very understanding and lets some things slide, and I have been slowly acclimating myself to his authority again, remembering that I do have rules and there might be consequences from time to time.
It’s not that I’d abused my independence; in fact the opposite is true. Life has gone along pretty much as it always has. With or without the DD punishment dynamic, I know Grant’s expectations, and most of them are ones I agree with and try to comply with anyway. Some others have to do with things that upset him, so I have (mostly) tried to honor his wishes. There were a few specific things I did let go. Our bedroom has been a bit…ehem…disorganized (but I was sick and then with Christmas, etc). A few times I told him I was going for a weekend to visit a girlfriend rather than asking. What could he say? I needed to go, and I went. A subtle but quite significant difference, the telling rather than asking. I sometimes drove at the speed of traffic rather than following his “never exceed 70 mph” rule. There were small things here and there, and of course my “attitude” and sassiness that seems to pop up now and again. But there was nothing like today. In fact, I don’t think I have ever done anything like this…ever.
We both think I must have dipped into temporary insanity. Not that I got off with the insanity plea, mind you, but it was quite unlike me. Undisciplined, thoughtless, hurtful even. I am quite ashamed of myself. 
We were at lunch in a nice restaurant, having a lovely time, and I kept my cell by me, having explained to Grant that I expected a business call that I would have to take. OK, that happens in our lives. I run several companies and have to be available to lots of people. Towards the end of the meal the call came in and when I answered the phone, somehow he thought it was my son and not THE call, and he was talking while I was on the phone, and kind of being goofy. I tried to communicate non-verbally for him to stop, but he missed my signals. I got stressed and exasperated and then it happened.
I gave him the hand!
It was in public, and quite obvious. He was of course, offended, angry, and confused and he kept talking. I have no idea what he was saying but instead of doing the numerous other things I might have (I now realize) I sunk my ship completely by….ugh….
I snapped my fingers at him across the table to get his attention and gestured for silence.
I guess you could say I got his attention alright! He sure did get quiet this time, and even while still on the phone I realized that he was angry and that I had really messed up. When I got off the phone and looked at him, I also knew I was in deep trouble. He told me quietly across the table, “I am embarrassed and humiliated and a spanking WILL happen.” What could I say? I told him “I understand, and I am so sorry”. He was very hurt, I was upset, and we finished lunch quickly. We rode back to our place in complete silence. As we got out of the car he said, “I want you to go upstairs, go into our bedroom, and take your pants off.” And this is where worlds once again collide. I had a cyber-business meeting scheduled. And as opposed to being submissive in demeanor, I can get snippy when I know a punishment is coming, deserved or not. Why is that? I answered, “Seriously Grant? You know I have a meeting in 6 minutes. Is that really what you want to do?” My eyebrow arched. He said “Fine. Do what you need to. I’ll be waiting.”
So…I went into 2 hour-long conferences as the boss and CEO, listened, directed, made decisions, and then logged out of my computer. With a big sigh I went out into the living room to see Grant watching TV. “I am done” I announced, and went into the kitchen. I was not offering myself up! “What are you doing now?” he asked. “Straightening.” I answered. He was still pretty angry, “Go into the bedroom right now” he instructed. So…that was that.
The lecture portion made me feel really sad…and really guilty. WHO does that to their husband? And most especially in public!? I am flummoxed. I truly am not THAT woman! I don’t WANT to be her! But I was today. Is it that I am out of practice? Are my hormones whacky? Are my skills at going from Alpha to Beta and back again just rusty? I don’t know.
I realized, as we talked it out, that not only was it hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable, it was also unnecessary. I could have said “Excuse me” to the person on the phone and told Grant it was business. I also might have said “Excuse me” and told Grant I needed to step away from the table for a minute. There were other easy options, ones I have used. I KNOW this stuff and I know how to navigate my roles, my disparate worlds.
So, clearly I am off my game and clearly I’m going to have to get back on it pretty fast now. Wish me luck!
I totally did that the other day too. It’s the stress of trying to focus on two things at once – your husband, and the customer on the phone. We weren’t at a restaurant, but I gave an impatient, dismissive wave and my husband was offended.
Oh geez. That’s all I’m going to say.
Oh my goodness Sara.
It is hard to go from the ‘alpha work’ mentality to the ‘submissive home’ mentality…totally get that.
If it had been another person at the table such as a friend, employee, or business colleague, would you have treated them the way you treated Grant? If not, then maybe you need to think about why you would treat him that way. Please don’t take this wrong, absolutely no criticism intended, just something to think about. Wishing you much luck in finding your footing.
Blessings,
Cat
The wave has long been deemed unacceptable here ReneeRose.
And what else is there to say, really, Saoirse?
Cat, that’s a good question. No, I would not normally treat anyone that way, in work or out. I am always professional and try hard to treat people and employees with respect. I have been thinking about this since I wrote it, and Grant and I have talked a bit more too. He thinks it is left over anger for the fallout between us several months ago. We did go through a very hard time and he did let me down, although it was not his fault, per se. Forgiveness is hard sometimes, and while I thought I had… I may be harboring some deeper resentments and I need to work on letting go.
I hate that sinking feeling….when you KNOW you are in trouble….and even worse….you KNOW you have disappointed the one you love.
Oh boy.
I’ve done that to Barney too, AND I only am alpha to my dog during the day ( she’s really quite small) and not a business phone call either- no excuses here for me. I suppose you can take comfort in knowing it bothered you after you did it. It is a start right?
Good Luck!
Willie
Wow… I could just feel that sinking feeling FOR you reading this. Oh my. It’s such a tough line. I have been that way with work myself. Very hard for me to switch gears.
Hopefully, since you realized it all, it will just be a new starting point from here on out?
Best wishes!
-Emi.
I did something similar to my husband several months ago when I was talking to our daughter on the phone and he wasn’t too pleased. No, I didn’t snap my fingers at him, however, I did give him the hand for continuing to talk to me as I was attempting to talk with her. Why do men do that? I could have handled it better, but honestly, I was so frustrated. He knows I can’t listen to two people at the same time. I’ve learned with children and spouses that there’s something about the telephone that attracts everyone in the house like a magnet. All of a sudden, I’m incredibly popular!
Sorry this happened, Sara. I do think you’re a little hard on yourself AND you’re out of practice. With what you’ve gone through in the last year, you are a different creature and you will respond differently. It will just take time for you and Grant to adjust. I have every confidence you two will do just fine.
Good luck getting back into the swing of everything Sara!
Lucy, it’s an awful feeling to know you’ve both hurt and disappointed your husband!
It is a start Willie, I am just unpleasantly surprised at how dismissive I could be to the man I love.
Emi, I sure as heck hope it doesn’t happen again. I’ll be watching myself!
Jay’s Girl, I don’t know why they try to talk when we’re on the phone any more than why we do when they’re on the phone. It happens both ways around here, although we both try not to do it. I am waaay too expressive with my hands and am going to have to figure something out!
Thanks Tess. Yeah, we’re back in “the swing” alright!
Good luck Sara, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve had a very difficult year, the road has changed some. You are adjusting to a new normal, that takes time.
I think you are to be commended for the honest and forthwright way you dealt with the situation. It takes a strong woman to admit they made a mistake. Not only did you do that, you also did what was needed to make amends.
Now, you learn, you grow, you move on to the next challenge. {{hugs}}
You’ve had a bit of a layoff from the disciplinary aspect of your DD dynamic and are getting back into the swing of things. Subconsciously might there be a possibility that it’s like a new TIH who does something shortly after beginning their DD dynamic? Something they would not do with anyone other then their HoH and have never done before, yet it happens when setting or resetting relationship boundaries.
Luck is wished
Take it from us.No plea (on the basis of temporary insanity or otherwise) would cut it (and we’ve given it some thought !).Kudos to you for holding strong in that 2 hour conference call though.I would have angled for a 6 minute spanking that fitted in with the secheduled call.And nah, wouldn’t have got away with that either…
Ah well, back into the swing (so to speak)….
Seriously, maybe cut and dry situations like this help as you are developing again.
Dammit, wish I could think of an insanity based plea.Must be loosing my touch.The judge would be adjusting his wig and peering through his spectacles if this was advanced….
Sarah.LD,UK
I suppose some of the problem originates in the fact that you don’t have to do DD consciously anymore. As you told in the beginning of this post, DD or non-DD, is makes no real big difference, just some subtle things.
And then it is easy to let some things slip by that are normal for a CEO but just not acceptable in a DD setting.
The hand waving thing is not so bad as you make it sound, everybody does that. As with all communication, the attitude is more important than what you communicate. He must really have felt “dismissed”.
Being CEO costs a lot of attention. When DD is on the automatic pilot it does not get enough attention and it will get influenced and pushed away sometimes by the CEO function. It’s the same for CEO’s who have to change into HoH’s when coming at home. It may look similar, but it really is not. My wife is not my employee.
So, it comes down to trying to get some more conscious attention to the DD aspect.
It’s a constant learning process.
This is a difficult one. Readjustment. I’ve thought about it a lot, and really I don’t think we can excuse ourselves behaviour like this can we? The only true way around it is to ensure the telephone calls or conference calls are mentioned up front, so the other partner is fully in the picture. It’s not that I’m taking sides, but I have had Starman do the very same thing to me once in the not so distant past. It’s very hurtful and can spoil the entire day.
Once again it’s this shifting dynamic. I am relieved to find that you still fall into these traps. Just think of me trying to adjust to it all. I laugh now when I think about how ‘submissive’ I thought I was! At least you have your parameters, which we have yet to define. And Grant was able to apply the necessary reminder! I’m glad you shared this with us Sara because it’s a good reminder to me!
Hugs, Ami
Faerie, I am a seasoned DD wife…how quickly we can forget ourselves, huh?
Mr BB, THAT truly resonated with me. My gut tells me you are right. I assure you it was completely unconscious…but it did end up resetting both of us into full DD mode. I didn’t know I was ready, nor did he. Maybe somewhere deep down my behavior spoke for me? Sheesh…I feel like a complete newbie!!!
Sarah, you’ll have to up YOUR game if you’re going to defend me in the DD court of justice!
And yes, maybe we are needing to back track and tone up some rusty skills.
Bas, he did feel completely “dismissed”, and I know the hand wave is not allowed. I agree, I thnk my DD has gone into auto-pilot mode and I’m going to have to start paying more attention. Your point about your transition from work to HoH bears discussion. Grant brought that up to me last night as well. DD is not something either of us can succeed in without attention and effort.
Ami, none of us will ever be perfect, no matter how old we are or how long we do TTWD, or anything else. It is hurtful, and both Grant and I do try to be mutually respectful. We both mess up at times. He forgave me and now I am forgiving myself.
I hate that sinking feeling too, when you know you’ve disappointed the one you love. Making that transition from work mode to submissive mode is extremely difficult. Yes, there are other ways you could have handled the situation, but maybe you just reacted to the stress of trying to cope with two things at once.
You are adjusting to a new normal and it takes time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We learn and we grow.
Hugs
Roz
Breathe and remember you are starting again. It is hard to go from in charge to submissive. When I was teaching Master could not understand why some days I could not quickly pull the switch button. You admitted you did not handle it well, suffered the the fall out, and now get to try again.
hugs abby
Mm Mm Mm. That’s a definite biggie around here too. Makes me think you’re doing your part to help reestablish the order at your house. You do something that requires him to take decisive action. Very clever unless you didn’t realize what you were doing. Hope the spanking gives the reset you’re both anticipating/needing/dreading/celebrating(?).
I’m sorry, maybe it’s that it’s 6:00 in the morning and I’ve just spent 30 min on a work thing and my beta worlds are colliding, but … why was Grant talking to you while you were on the phone again? Was he testing you, or is he also readjusting and needing to feel as if he has primary call on your attention? He knew you were expecting a call.
Yes, the hand and the snap were your mistakes. But. If I was on the phone with my Husband and my DAUGHTER was trying to speak at the same time, we’d be having a discussion about manners when I finished. I frankly expect at least an equivalent level of manners from my spouse, even if my daughter was calling.
*flummoxed* This whole relationship thing with other people is confusing some days.
(I think you still have comment moderation on, so if you refrain from publishing this one, I won’t get upset.)
Serenity
Simply put :You are out of practice.
I imagine it would happen after such a long time removed from those parameters. I just have no base of reference.
I imagine too that it’s difficult to switch from one hat to another in, what really amounts to- *mere seconds*. Not that it’s an excuse. I’m sure that a year ago you would have been more “on your game”, so to speak.
I’m sure it’s like falling off a horse. You have to get back on, and then the riding part just comes back to you.
So glad he’s there to give you a foot up to that steed.
Roz, “we learn and we grow” is always good to remember!
Sheesh Abby, I have to remember all these other things AND remember to breathe?
Eh, Mick, I almost wish I could say I was being “clever”, but then that would be pretty manipulative, wouldn’t? No, I was simply being rude. However, as it happens, it did indeed serve to “reset” us both! If I was truly clever I would have managed to do that without an ebony hairbrush brought into the mix!
Serenity, I doubt I would ever censor YOU! Yes, he was rude. I didn’t go into every detail so as not to bore you all, we both thought it was our son at first bc he works with me and the call came from the office number, and although Grant was talking, he was not loud or demanding of my attention…he was just not being silent. He was wrong, and he did apologize, but that did not excuse my over reaction.
Yes Elysia, it is a bit like falling off a horse, even when you do know how to ride. The next day is also a bit ouchy!
This is my question, too….Why was your dh trying to talk to you, knowing you were expecting a business call? I guess, I’m confused. Speaking to someone who is having a phone conversation is just rude.
I don’t get it. He was rude as hell in the first place for continuing to talk when you had told him you would have to take a call. I get that you are working on being submissive but don’t you deserve respect?
I hope I am not offending you. Just questioning the logic. Maybe I should take myself off this blog because I just don’t understand this one at all.
My husband almost always asks “Who is it?” as soon as I’m on the phone. I have to excuse myself and say who it is, and then he’s fine. If I don’t then he feels like he’s second to whoever it is. It used to be a big thing, but then as I’ve gotten older, I don’t sweat that anymore. I’m sorry you got into trouble. I hope that making up made it ok. God bless you and yours, Belle L.
I don’t know. I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I mean, yes, there are certainly better ways you could have handled the situation. And I’m sure you will make sure to handle such situations differently in the future. But there are better ways Grant could have handled the situation as well. He assumed that it was your son on the phone, when he knew there was a possibility that it could be an important work call you needed to take. It seems you both messed up, if you ask me. *shrug*
Ahh, Sara. I cringed when I got to your snapping part of the story. I feel for you! You knew right away it was wrong. Sometimes things just happen. Life, stress, being in the moment….no excuse, but I think we can all understand that these things can happen. Others have said it, but yes, you are out of practice. I hope you and Grant have a good weekend together. Take care.
Hi Sara and welcome back. I was so excited to see you posting again, I ran into Henry and proclaimed “She’s BACK!!! Sara is back” … Him: “who?” … and then, not overly respectfully I replied … “really? Sara? Sara and Grant!” …!!
So WELCOME BACK!! I so value your ability to express yourself in such an easy to understand way and I am humbled by your ability to be vulnerable and start over
When I read this post, my immediate thought was to admire your ability to ‘self check’ and realize it was disrespectful to dismiss Grant, regardless of whether it was right or wrong of Grant to distract your call. What also stood out to me is your ability to submit yourself to Grant’s authority, even though you are ‘off your game’ – that is so hard! I notice how much easier it is to be a surrendered wife when I have the accompanying feelings. It is much more difficult when my submission is based on my ‘will’. IDK, does that make sense? I saw this as you having to make a decision to respect Grant as HoH, without the gushy feelings and even when an argument could be made that it wasn’t your fault (that you were disrespectful). <>
There seems to be disrespect from both sides of the table in this story. I could see how he might have dismissed your behavior given that he knew you were expecting a call. In a Dd marriage though, we have consented to submit to our husbands and show respect 24/7 and then accept their discipline, mitigating circumstances or not.
It sounds like this may help both of you kick start your new Dd journey in a more immediate way so maybe you will look back on this as an important moment. I do wish you luck!
Yep Sami, it is rude to speak to someone while they are on the phone, and Grant owned that and apologized. We are away, we thought it was our son, and he was trying to join in on a family moment when in fact it turned out to be a business call. On his part it was a mistake for which he apologized.
C, 1st you don’t need to not read or comment here bc you have a difference of opinion! 2nd, as I explained in the comments above, Grant missed the boat on knowing who was on the phone and what was going on, and while he can be blamed for being oblivious, his rudeness was not with intent. He and I totally agree with you that respect is due both ways in our marriage. I, on the other hand, was blatantly rude, disrespectful and snapping and pointing at someone…kinda like giving the family dog the signal to sit, well, that was just not ok at any time or for any reason.
Yes Grace, we did bth mess up. I just messed up a whole heck of a lot more. (read above).
SNP, I am out of practice with DD, but I do know how to make a good loud snap!
Hi Liz, and thank you for your enthusiastic welcome. Your husband doesn’t even know who we are??? LOL! My husband doesn’t follow blogs at all…no worries. Yes, your observations make sense Liz. It is much easier to submit or surrender when you agree, less so when you don’t or you feel you have been wronged as well. But DD is not about easy and is often not even about fair. To be honest, I did make a case to him about his behavior, but after I accepted my punishment. And that’s how we generally do things.
Phone calls are tough, because you don’t get to gently transition between “submissive wife” mode and “no-nonsense work mode.” Depending on the nature of the work related conversation (the level of stress involved) it can be quite difficult to flip on and off submission like a light switch.
I have found myself in hot water in circumstances that are not too different. After I always think, “have I lost my mind?”
Sorry to hear of your slip up, Sara.
hugs
lillie
I can see that you perceived the teasing nature of my comment. Just to be clear, I have always appreciated your honesty and integrity, and know you are not manipulative.
Ugh! Sorry Sara. Not the way you had planned your afternoon I’m sure. It’s interesting that you had just been thinking about the topic and then boom, it hit you square in the nose. While you never put away your submissive self over this past year, that muscle that knows the right thing to do in the moment clearly needs some exercise. I hope you’ve been able to forgive yourself, are getting lots of hugs from G and who knows, maybe this is one of those markers on the road of you two regrouping and finding your new/old rolls again. I’m often quite flummoxed at how many things in ttwd come down to issues of respect…
Hey Sara, I nominated you for the award going around Blogland. If you’d like to play, the details are in my last post
If it helps any, I would have given him “the hand” too.
Can I ever relate to that story. I manage a large team at work and making that transition from ‘work me’ to ‘DD wife’ me is hard. What’s even harder is when I’m working from home when my DH is around. It’s like my two worlds colliding. He has often said to me ‘You know, I don’t work for you’. I hate when I make him feel that way.
Actually Lillie, I have found the same thing. The phone requires pulling up a certain persona while I am sitting in the presence of a man who expects a different persona. It’s the ultimate of transitions to pull that off!
I know Mick. I wanted to make sure others knew too.
Yep Susie, those muscles are out of shape! I have indeed had lots of hugs and reassurance from Grant. Almost everything comes down to respect, right?
Thank you Elle. I am behind in my reading and don’t even know which award it is, but I’ll try to play! (when I figure out what
)
If only I had stopped at the hand D’s Rose…
Unfortunate Michele, I have heard those exact words from my husband too. If only I were a gymnast, perhaps I could do better with the pretzel twist that is sometimes required!
Actually, in truth, I think it’s all about slowing down, and thinking before you speak.
Oh my gosh! Even your pictures made me nervous lol.
Just last week we were in the car, and my husband received a business call. Although I could tell he was trying to wrap it up, I poked his leg! Twice. Once might have been acceptable, twice was pointing (and poking) my way to doom. Then, while he spanked me he told me the call only lasted four miles! Argh. Darn my impatience.
Sorry about what happened. I think it’s a very clear case of just being out of practice. You know what’s right but your mind has been in a different place for awhile, it’s not on auto pilot…muscle memory.
Stormy, those pictures should make you nervous. Note to self: “Try not to look like that woman!” Muscle memory…like riding a horse right? So back in the saddle we go!
I have to agree with what basically the majority have said here. It’s just getting back into tune and working your way back to the harmony that once resonated in your marriage. It’s not easy, and it’s times like these that wake us up to see reality for what it is at the moment. It can be a blessing in disguise, as it does the re-set, but also leads to lots of profitable communication. But boy, that mind re-set can sure be a painful experience!
Hugs,
Kady