We’ll, the funny thing is, I was thinking this morning about writing a post on being a professional woman, the alpha at work, while trying to meld that with being a surrendered (if not submissive) wife at home. Just today another DD wife wrote to me:
I’m writing to you “as someone who might well understand the difficulties associated with making the transition from a leadership position at work to a submissive role with an alpha male Hoh – who will not have it.”Yes, I sure do understand the difficulties and have provided a stellar example of what not to do and how not to handle those transitions myself today!
As we’ve been working our way back into active Dd we’ve been kind of in a ‘DD-lite’ phase. Grant has been very understanding and lets some things slide, and I have been slowly acclimating myself to his authority again, remembering that I do have rules and there might be consequences from time to time.
It’s not that I’d abused my independence; in fact the opposite is true. Life has gone along pretty much as it always has. With or without the DD punishment dynamic, I know Grant’s expectations, and most of them are ones I agree with and try to comply with anyway. Some others have to do with things that upset him, so I have (mostly) tried to honor his wishes. There were a few specific things I did let go. Our bedroom has been a bit…ehem…disorganized (but I was sick and then with Christmas, etc). A few times I told him I was going for a weekend to visit a girlfriend rather than asking. What could he say? I needed to go, and I went. A subtle but quite significant difference, the telling rather than asking. I sometimes drove at the speed of traffic rather than following his “never exceed 70 mph” rule. There were small things here and there, and of course my “attitude” and sassiness that seems to pop up now and again. But there was nothing like today. In fact, I don’t think I have ever done anything like this…ever.
We both think I must have dipped into temporary insanity. Not that I got off with the insanity plea, mind you, but it was quite unlike me. Undisciplined, thoughtless, hurtful even. I am quite ashamed of myself.
We were at lunch in a nice restaurant, having a lovely time, and I kept my cell by me, having explained to Grant that I expected a business call that I would have to take. OK, that happens in our lives. I run several companies and have to be available to lots of people. Towards the end of the meal the call came in and when I answered the phone, somehow he thought it was my son and not THE call, and he was talking while I was on the phone, and kind of being goofy. I tried to communicate non-verbally for him to stop, but he missed my signals. I got stressed and exasperated and then it happened.
I gave him the hand!
It was in public, and quite obvious. He was of course, offended, angry, and confused and he kept talking. I have no idea what he was saying but instead of doing the numerous other things I might have (I now realize) I sunk my ship completely by….ugh….
I snapped my fingers at him across the table to get his attention and gestured for silence.
I guess you could say I got his attention alright! He sure did get quiet this time, and even while still on the phone I realized that he was angry and that I had really messed up. When I got off the phone and looked at him, I also knew I was in deep trouble. He told me quietly across the table, “I am embarrassed and humiliated and a spanking WILL happen.” What could I say? I told him “I understand, and I am so sorry”. He was very hurt, I was upset, and we finished lunch quickly. We rode back to our place in complete silence. As we got out of the car he said, “I want you to go upstairs, go into our bedroom, and take your pants off.” And this is where worlds once again collide. I had a cyber-business meeting scheduled. And as opposed to being submissive in demeanor, I can get snippy when I know a punishment is coming, deserved or not. Why is that? I answered, “Seriously Grant? You know I have a meeting in 6 minutes. Is that really what you want to do?” My eyebrow arched. He said “Fine. Do what you need to. I’ll be waiting.”
So…I went into 2 hour-long conferences as the boss and CEO, listened, directed, made decisions, and then logged out of my computer. With a big sigh I went out into the living room to see Grant watching TV. “I am done” I announced, and went into the kitchen. I was not offering myself up! “What are you doing now?” he asked. “Straightening.” I answered. He was still pretty angry, “Go into the bedroom right now” he instructed. So…that was that.
The lecture portion made me feel really sad…and really guilty. WHO does that to their husband? And most especially in public!? I am flummoxed. I truly am not THAT woman! I don’t WANT to be her! But I was today. Is it that I am out of practice? Are my hormones whacky? Are my skills at going from Alpha to Beta and back again just rusty? I don’t know.
I realized, as we talked it out, that not only was it hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable, it was also unnecessary. I could have said “Excuse me” to the person on the phone and told Grant it was business. I also might have said “Excuse me” and told Grant I needed to step away from the table for a minute. There were other easy options, ones I have used. I KNOW this stuff and I know how to navigate my roles, my disparate worlds.
So, clearly I am off my game and clearly I’m going to have to get back on it pretty fast now. Wish me luck!