From time to time I get questions on the Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I have answered in the form of a post, unless the reader requests privacy. I decided to organize them here and will always welcome more. I enjoy the questions. They make me think, they inspire me to expand on an idea, and I like to share the questions and answers, most especially because they begin a dialogue between newer Dd-ers and our cyber community. I also always appreciate other’s viewpoints and feel it is enriching to hear different perspectives. I hope readers will feel free to offer answers and comments too.
To that end I have created this “Ask” page. Please ask, please comment, and we will answer. I can only try my best to make my answers the “right” ones, but you can count on them always being honest and from the heart.
Sara,
I’m really new to spanking for play (3-4 months or so) initiated by me (with my husband) and we are slowly and carefully dipping our toes in the dd pool. I’m the one in the relationship with the major interest and after reading lots of blogs and gaining some experience, I always have these questions popping into my head with no one really to ask them. I’d really like to have somebody to email questions to occasionally and hopefully find a friend in the community. I’ve read alot of blogs from start to finish, including yours, and I relate to you so well. I admire your desire to have such an open and honest relationship with Grant, your honesty and candidness on your blog, and your wisdom about relationships. Ask you probably have already realized, I am hoping you could be that person that I can bounce questions off of and get advice from time to time. I completely understand if you are too busy, or aren’t interested. It’s kind of hard to write this b/c after reading all your stuff I feel like I practically know you, but you don’t know who I am from anybody. I am just trying to be myself without putting myself out there too much yet. I feel kind of vulnerable trying to make friends in this way. It’s awkward. Anyway, in case your interested, I’m a mother of two small children, live in a regular suburban neighborhood, well, I’ll leave it at that.
Thanks,
Ally
Ally,
I am glad you decided to contact me and welcome your questions. I remember very well when we started DD in our marriage and how much I needed to ‘discuss’ and ask questions. I still enjoy and feel enriched by that.
I am pleased that you like the blog and find it helpful. I have pushed myself to be very candid on my blog, one, because that just is who I am, and two, because I really feel there is value in this lifestyle and want to get out there that it is a viable option to help sane, stable, “normal” couples to develop better relationships.
No, I don’t know you, but new friends are always fun! Yes, it feels sort of weird to approach someone on the Internet, but it’s not like you are going to be likely to talk to a girlfriend about DD, and really wonderful solid friendships can start online.
Please ask questions whenever you want to.
Sara
Some Older Questions From Readers:
I have been reading your blog for several months now, and it has really helped my husband and I decide to give the D.D lifestyle a chance. Some of the websites and blogs are…scary.
I really relate to you on many levels. I too am the big boss at work, a mom etc.
I was wondering if you could maybe give some “starter” advice. Some road bumps you hit, that maybe we could avoid.
I would really appreciate it.
SEE: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/advice-on-beginning-dd/
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Hi Sara-
I need your wisdom/experience. You have written about the time you refused a spanking and then went to Grant at some future point to submit. He said he would spank you on his timetable and not yours, etc. I totally get where he was coming from as the HOH and leader of your home.
Here is my recent problem. …..
SEE: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/maries-question-getting-over-a-dd-bump/
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Hi Sara-
Thanks for the very quick and thorough response to my questions. As one who has been there/done that, I really appreciate you letting us benefit from your experience……
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/maries-resolution/
Thank you so much Sara! I think your most recent advice post is great, I sent it to my husband and I think I will print it out and use it to jump start some more in depth conversation… I seem to dance around the topic a lot I think because it makes me nervous. I agree with the concept, I think it has lots of benefits, but it’s hard to hand over so much and honestly I am afraid. My husband has done nothing ever to cause me not to trust him, but I’m a bit of a control freak and it’s hard for me. I have a feeling I am not the only one to feel like this… I also think it’s hard for him to not think of it as one big sex game, we started the spanking for fun…then I discovered dd, thought “wow – I had no idea people out there were doing that! My progression went like this : that’s so wierd, why would women do that? (after a lot of blog reading) hmmm, I kind of get it now, (more blog reading) hmmm – these DDers seem very happy, satisfied, and fullfilled, most relationships are great, there’s no husband bashing, there must be something to this, maybe we could try this, wonder what hubsand would think now (he’d already said he thought it was ridiculous, but he knew I was doing all this reading) – then we had a clash of wills – didn’t talk much for a day or so and then he emails me, tells me I’m getting spanked for such and such… my first response was “WHAT!?!?!?” (smile inside) it doesn’t work like that. Though texting all day, he says maybe there is something to this dd and etc. So I submitted to a spanking, all very anticlimactic after dwelling on it all day (I think he was afraid to hurt me) and we had sex. a coulple days later we talked more about it, we are both moving towards trying it, no specific rules except be respectful. I’ve only been pun. spanked once more for failing to write stuff on our budget sheet. He got really mad at me when he realized I hadn’t been doing it and just yelled at me and walked off ticked. Normally, I would not have been disturbed by this, probably would have tried to argue my way out of why I should be held responsible for it. But I didn’t, firstly, I was disturbed by his anger and secondly, I felt bad. I really thought he probably spank that night, but instead he cooled off on his own and it probably didn’t even occur to him. The next day when he was at work, I texted him that I was sorry and I was suprised he did not spank. He said – “yeah, you do deserve one! we’ll do it tonight.” That one felt like a real punishment spanking. Unfortunatly, the discussion that followed was filled with bad communication (he can’t understand how I can want him to punishment spank for something, and not enjoy it (sexually), I was emotional and feeling raw, and left me feeling unsettled. The blame is probably mostly mine, as it’s is hard for me talk about dd with him. I’m a first born, I want to be perfect, I don’t like being wrong, it’s hard for me to admit when I am, dd goes against every cell in my body. BUT, I love how spanking makes me feel submissive (whether play or not), I love how it brings us closer to each other. Anyway, I am going on and on. I just need to suck it up and talk to him about it.
Thanks for listening,
Ally
Ally, it seems many of have that “control freak” quality in us, and fearing opening ourselves, becoming vulnerable, to even our husbands, can be daunting. This thing will take lots of communication, being willing to make mistakes and forgive each other, and yes, discovering that submissive self, even if she is buried at present.
I know when we started, I could not say the word “spanking”. How the heck was I ever going to talk about it? I emailed Grant articles, posts, things on DD and spanking from all over. I learned pretty quickly to keep them to two or three a week, and to let him read at his pace. Patience is not a strong point of mine, and it was sooo hard to wait and not push. But he did always read, and emailed me back a couple of lines or thoughts…and so we began. It seems you are off to a good start. Perhaps, now that you are a couple days past the bad communication of the other night, you can talk about how that might go differently next time. Just keep talking! Sara
More Questions From Readers:
Sara,
My husband and I have recently started practicing DD. I think we have come to some some reasonable understandings and things have been going well for both of us. My husband travels on occasion for work and I have noticed when he………….
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/10/05/a-dd-question/
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Dear Sara,
I am in my forty’s and my second marriage. My first marriage was ruined by me. I was a very bossy wife, I took control of everything in our life. I constantly nagged or criticized my husband, and I basically walked all over him. Eventually……………………
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/09/20/a-readers-dd-questions/
Some Questions For Grant:
Grant,
It seems that this role really suits you, naturally.
It was a beautiful thing to read about a man like you…one I always wished my husband could/would have wanted to – have been.
I love how you do this FOR you both, and not as an ‘I can tell you what to do trip’.
My question after reading the blog is this………………..
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/questions-on-hoh-grant/
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Grant,
In your post you write, “Some of my soft-spined, wimpy male friends…..
….when I do meet men who are masculine, they abdicate the ‘responsible authority’ portion of their masculinity……. how do we resurrect this type of masculine male and his appreciation for responsible authority, consistency, leadership?
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/11/grants-thoughts-on-men-and-leadership/
A Few More Questions on Submission:
Sara,
This question is for you and all of the other DD ladies who read/respond to your posts. What do you do when you want time to you, or does that not matter?……..
…..What can a DD wife ask for and get? ……..
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/a-question-on-dd-on-submission/
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Sara,
I love your posts. They are well though-out and insightful.
One of the areas that I struggle with is finding a submissive voice. I am a professional and have always served in a management capacity. In previous relationships, (even before DD), I was frequently told by my partner, “I don’t work for you”.
My question to you then is, how do you or did you find your ’submissive voice’? …….
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/a-dd-question-on-submission-2/
Hello, I wonder if I may ask a question. I am a Christian female who is interested in the D/s lifestyle. I am having a really hard time reconciling this with my faith. To make matters more difficult I am married to an agnostic who finds this all pretty weird. This makes me feel even worse. Am I crazy for being drawn to this ? Are there alot of us “freaks” out there ?
Hey Stelle, your question is answered here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/a-reader-asks-am-i-crazy-for-being-drawn-to-ds/
Hello to both of you!
I am in a fairly young (2 yrs) relationship that has incorporated spanking literaly from day one. We have explored the ideas of D/s, and use them somewhat, but have decided that a full D/s relationship is not right for us until we are living together, which we don’t now (waiting to be married and all).
Well, we have been reading blogs and such for about a year now, and the time is drawing neigh, and we will be sharing a roof soon.
My question is this; You mentioned in one of your posts that the two of you do not use “submission exercises”. I understand your reasoning behind not using them, but do you have either some examples of submission exercises or perhaps a link? It would be much appreciated!
Best to both of you, your blogs are wonderful and inspiring.
Michael
Michael, Thank you for the comment and a good question. I have answered here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/a-question-on-submission-excercises/
The Best,
Grant
tks for the effort you put in here I appreciate it!
Sara-
my husband found your site today and we have read through quite a bit of it. We both know we want a DD relationship but I am struggling so much. I, too, am a strong professional woman and we have a full life with 4 children, a 4 hour commute 5 days a week and a history of taking care of myself. I feel like i am losing part of myself. I am not comfortable with not knowing information about us or our family in the interest of knowing ‘he’s taking care of it.’ I feel that agreeing to a DD lifestyle doesn’t mean i give up my voice, my interest in our life or our partnership. i don’t know ….maybe i’m not making any sense but it seemed that you might understand a bit. I’m 45 and he’s 43…this isn’t our first marriage so we truly want to make it work….but there’s the balance of kids, work, emotions…how did you do it??
Hope this helps Pam! http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/a-dd-question-is-it-a-partnership/
Sara,
first, I would like to tell you that i think your website ist very interesting and written with a lot of good thinking and intelligence. please excuse my terrible english, I am a german woman, married for 23 years and mother of four kids!
here in germany the dd lifestyle is not very popular, just the bdsm scene is something a lot of (young) people share. the problem is, the most interest in bdsm is the outfit, the partys, the spectacular actions and pain. there is no scene, that i would describe as traditional marriage, what I think is what we are living!
My husband and I live in a dd relationship since 5 years now, it’s a new chance for our marriage, which was a little worn out by the time. now, my husband take much more charge for everything (especially for me!) and we live much more happy together.
there is still one problem , where I need some advice:
Our children. the big boys (22, 19 years) still left home for university in other cities.
But there are our twins (boy/girl almost 16) stil at home. my husband and I have a lot
of trouble with the different education style. in this case, I am at no way submissive.
Just that I think, I have to be strong leading my way, like I did all the years. It looks like my husband is some kind of jealous about me and the twins, especially the girl.
there are ugly fights between us and I always think, I have to protect the kids.
The best time we sped together, is when we are alone. There is a nice harmony
and a lot of understanding and love for me. In case, I do not behave as wanted, there are punishment spankings, which I really need.
But for the kids, it’s not the kind of lifestyle, I would like them to know. They would not understand, I suppose. I want my girl to be strong and give her all possibilities in life, she would not understand why woman like to submit!
Please, can you give me some advice, what to tell (or better not to tell) the twins, about the special realation between their father and me, and what to do in education.
May be I should give in and let him do, what he thinks is right with the twins, even against my (better) knowing?
I read some of your elderly posts and really find it so nice. you are a very lucky woman, living in such a loving family with your strong husband.
gymlady
gymlady,
I hope you have resolved some of this. I answered you here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/a-dd-question-whos-in-charge-of-the-kids/
Sara
Hi Sara, I need advice!
I’m a rising senior in college, and I’ve been experiencing problems with my
longtime girlfriend. (She’s been a bit snide lately) We’ve attempted to resolve some of the issues, but things arn’t working… and we both don’t want our relationship to fall apart! (We both are going to; or were hoping to-wed after college!) After discovering DD online, I’m really tempted to incorporate DD into our relationship… But, I have many questions… First and foremost, how do I introduce it to her… “I want to start disciplining you” or “I think I should start spanking you- and no, I don’t mean the erotic type either” might not work. And, as I’m new to this whole scene, and I know this might sound kind of silly, but I don’t know how to spank my girlfriend… I’ve seen people talk about something called otk on other sites… but are there any logistics I should know about?
Thanks for your help!
Joseph
Here you go Joseph: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/a-question-on-spanking/
Hi, Sara. Thanks so much for your blog. I’ve recently discovered that a relative of mine is involved in DD and reading your blog has made it much easier for me to respect and appreciate. I have to admit I was pretty horrified at first, but your strong relationship with Grant and your honesty in describing the ups and downs has really changed my mind. It’s not for me, but at least now I can accept and appreciate that it obviously works for some, and even admire your commitment to the process. I still have some concerns about my relative, because her husband isn’t nearly as nice a person as Grant is, but that is another matter.
I do have a question, though. I have no problem with erotic spanking (and didn’t, even before your blog), and no problem with stress-relief spanking– that makes sense to me. But I’m still unclear on the fairness of punishment for small things. If she makes a mistake, she gets punished. If her husband makes a mistake, she is supposed to just shrug it off– after all, he is “only human.” (so is she). Even if it’s the identical mistake– say, losing a cell phone, or forgetting to take care of something they had agreed one or the other of them would take care of. Can you talk a little bit about how you think about this?
I did skim through your questions section to see if this had already been covered, but couldn’t find it. Apologies in advance if it has.
I am really impressed that you took the time to ask!
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/when-the-family-finds-out-a-dd-question/
Hope this helps, Sara
Dear Sara,
Thanks for this opportunity. There is such support amongst this group of people. I receive it daily. Like Ally we are (at my request) integrating DD into our lives). The changes in me have been dramatic. This isn’t bragging. I was so entrenched in co dependency that I couldn’t let my husband have his natural role in our family. He is not one to change anyone’s course, he feels it is up to them. Finally arriving at a much humbler place (which was steeped additionally in insecurity and fear) he said, “What took you so long?” (wise grin on his face).
Enough background: He wants me to draw up everything (drum roll) even the punishments. I will do this for you because you believe it will help you (And believe me it does – even if spanking isn’t yet for discipline) I am here to execute your plan with precision.
Real question: How do I do that. I don’t know how I will react to anything of literally “consequence”. Some use a timer, some go implement with numbers, I’ve even heard of dice rolling. I shouldn’t get stuck on logistics. Obviously this will be a starting point. But I feel like I’m choking here after all this mental and emotional preparation. He is adament about not having this come from him. I know this may as M:e has pointed out regarding other issues, be “an awakening” and he could feel differently. But currently I feel honestly a bit scared about this – ironic because I knew I was headed toward this all along. I just need someone with experience to shove me down the slide. Thanks so much Sara. Also it was your site that I was so thrilled to come upon with all the links for DD. I wrote Greg a long letter cutting and pasting many of the linked articles. Your writing is breathtakingly honest. Thank you once again. KayLynn
Here you go KayLynn…good luck! http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/1029/
Hi Sara, I have been married for 25 years and have just dicovered this type of lifestyle. My husband had never even pretended to spank me up until about 1 month ago. He mentioned that he would like to spank me and since I am always interested in spicing things up, I thought I would give it a try. I realized that having him being dominant was something that i really liked. I have always been outspoken and have gotten my way in most things. He is a very nice person and would rather keep the peace than have any confrontations with me. Because of this dynamic, we have always gotten along well and rarely have conflict amongst ourselves. As I was looking into this DD lifestyle, I thought it would be something that I would like to try to make our marriage more interesting. I talked my husband into trying it and he loves it. Unfortunately, I am having second thoughts. I got my first discipline spanking this week and I did not like it all. He used the paddle and it hurt. I broke 3 of our rules and ended up getting spanked 3 days in a row. By the third day, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I tried to talk him out of doing it and he feels we need to continue. I was shocked that he was so into it. He was also mad that I changed my mind and didn’t want to follow through with being punished. I do have a couple of bad habits ..charging unnecessary items and eating junk food. I also don’t always volunteer information about misbehavior. He spanked me with his hand first and gave me 15 swats with the paddle but it hurt so bad and I started to cry. My question is, Is it normal to have second thoughts about this? How long should we try it before we reevaluate? After reading your blog, I found that I could really relate to you and your husband. I have always been a leader in the work place and amongst my peers. My husband is a great person and has rarely even raised his voice towards me. We have 4 children and have a great family life. I have to continue DD for at least 2 more months. My husband loves it and finally feels that he has a say in how things go. He loves that I have rules and that he can enforce them. I am afraid, I will never be able to get out of this if I decide I don’t want to do it anymore.
Lana, We both gave you our thoughts:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/25/a-question-on-committing-to-discipline/
We wish you the best,
Sara and Grant
Sara,
I found your blog 7months ago and i check it every day. My husband and i are really just beginning dd, we agreed to the power dynamic when we were married 4 yrs. Ago but i struggle to follow so we’ve just added the spanking aspect at my request.Today i got myself into trouble but,I wasn’t entirely sure why i just got spanked i’m not denying i deserved it. I did defy him, but later he said it was over what we were discussing. How do we avoid this when we dont want a list of rules?
Hi Js,
I am not entirely sure what you are asking. I do know that communication is essential. While you do not have to have a specific list of rules per se, I am not sure how you can develop this lifestyle without a clear understanding of his expectations. What I mean is that while you might not want rules such as having to lock the front door, the basics of honesty, respect, etc, are pretty common.
On the other hand, if he IS going to expect you to lock the door and will punish of you don’t, well it’s pretty clear that IS a rule. Why not say it up front?
As to being spanked without knowing why, well it would not happen here for two reasons. 1. Grant ALWAYS talks to me and explains why he is spanking. 2. Frankly, I would not submit to a punishment spanking if I did not understand why. We both believe that understanding is imperative. How can you accomplish anything at all if there is no communicating or mental processes attached to the disciple? Spanking has no magic effect in terms of changing behaviors or resolving conflict. Without the connection and understanding, it is just pain. What for?
That’s my take. Please clarify of you care to,
Sara
Hi, I have another question for you. I know this sounds silly but I really do not know anyone who has this kind of relationship and I don’t know who else to ask. I feel like we really don’t know what we are doing sometimes. How many spankings would you think a punishment spanking would be? We started out with 30 with his hand and 15 with the paddle. From what I’ve read, this just doesn’t seem like it is much. Do we add more implements? Do we add more swats as time goes on? It seems like the paddle is the worst thing to use Maybe we shouldn’t have started with that. What about maintainance? Do you know what the general amount would be? I know that this whole thing should be up to each couple but since I have no idea what a normal amount would be, I would like some help with this. Thank You
Here are our thoughts Lana: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/questions-on-punishment/
Hi Sara,
My boyfriend and I are both in our 40s and have been together 4 years. We are curious about how you and Grant started your DD relationship. Did you start with setting up rules? What kind of conversations did you have? Do you ever have doubt that Grant is holding himself up to the kind of standards you are held to? How did you get over your trust issues? What kind of work did Grant do to grow into the role of responsiblity?
Thanks! Liz
Liz, you sure made me think! It was fun to answer to answer though, and I hope it helps! Sara
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/04/domestic-discipline-building-it-together/
Hi again, Sara,
I did some more reading on your site and found some writing you did on why you began your DD relationship. I have a follow up question to something you wrote -
“The asking had to do with a realization on my part that me winning so often in our power battles left me disappointed in myself and also diminished my respect for my husband. It is in my makeup to feel that as capable and powerful as I am, I need to know my man is more powerful than I am. Now this is tricky, because I also did not want to lower myself to allow him to win! I’m not playing that game. I need to be more honest with myself than to make our marriage a game. On the other hand, when I took a close and brutally honest look, I realized that I was not always being fair to him, that many times he just gave up in frustration, just stepped away , that him stepping aside is not the same as me winning. I am not sure if I am being clear enough here, but the point is, no leader can lead a woman who is unwilling to be led. I had to be willing. I had to understand that this was on me to change me, to accept his dominance, and be willing to follow. ”
This is a very similar dynamic to the one I have with my boyfriend. How exactly did you both change this?
Thanks again,
Liz
I tried to explain things as I see them: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/the-submissive-partner%e2%80%99s-role-is-not-passive/
Sara
Hi Sara,
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your site. You don’t find to many LDS DD sites out here. I’m not currently in a DD relationship; however, I did bring it up to my husband who declined any part of it. So now, being that our marriage has been some what of a roommate relationship for years. I’m going to have to determine whether I want to continue tryng to persuade him into tryng this lifestyle or just let both go.
If you have any suggestions I would be delightly to here them.
Blessing, Dawna
Dear Dawna,
If you go to the links under Domestic Discipline on my side bar, you will find some excellent articles. As always, not everything will appeal to you, or even be anything remotely of interest. Don’t take anything verbatim but sift through and only try what you think will work for you! I would print one or two that speaks to you, and ask your husband to read them. Or maybe pick a post or two from my site and email them to him.
The real question is does he want more out of your marriage and is he willing to put more in to get that? Is he willing to try if you are? What does he have to lose?Define the immediate goal together. Is it intimacy? Emotional and/or physical? Would that be something he feels is worth a shot? If Grant and I can save our marriage I believe anyone can…IF they both want to. That is the big question.
You have not said why he declined. Is he unwilling to put in the effort or does he object to some part of what DD involves?
Have you read this by another LDS wife: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/domestic-discipline-what-would-jesus-do/ ?
I wish you the best, Sara
Hi Sara and Grant.
Been lurking on your site, as well as others. You two just inspire me so much! I love your writing and your very easy to relate with, not to mention how realistic your marriage is. Not a “Perfect” that your trying to push your realist and that is what those like me need! Real life, not playing or hearing how perfect something is and how easy it is to be this way. I look forward to being here regularly for help and guidance if your up to it. I have been printing things for hubby to read, and we are researching and learning as much as we can, since we believe this is a great tool for a relationship that isn’t a bad relationship but not always a ‘plugged” in relationship. This is our second marriage for each of us, we have 6 kids between us. We have had kids since the day we married! Our youngest is not enlisting into the service as his brother. We are finding ourselves alone, and even though we have looked for this day, waited and anticipated this day……we are looking for a way to “plug” in together. I am a kinda sorta, maybe…hehehe ya ok, I’m a control freak (he says) and I am not a soft spoken wall flower, I asked for this, I truly see where i have pulled or shall i say fought to take the control/authority out of his hands and into mine many years ago. It’s not something I did intentional, it just ….happened. I guess it’s easier for him to give up then fight. So now many years later here we are. We get along, and he is my soul mate and I his, we love each other dearly. But need more from each other. I don’t want to be in control, I want the man I fell in love w/16yrs ago. He was strong, and carried himself with such confidence! He was breathtaking. ANYWAY!
In all the research we have not found anything on ….”lectures” those certain “talks” that verbal correction. As much as I am all for the complete TIH/DD relationship, the lectures, commands….those are what I think I need. That fact that he cares enough about me to be attentive to me in a way that takes his time to give me the “talk” or the demand to not or to do something just makes me melt. Am I crazy? I don’t know, but I do know, I need those for sure! Maybe Grant can help us out in this area? what types of things went through his mind in the beginning, when you started the DD lifestyle during the “talks” or the “lectures” or “commands”? R is struggling a bit as to WHY I would like this after all this time, I think he is starting to understand the need I have, but doesn’t understand alot of the dynamics to a DD relationship. I am printing things and we are talking all the time about it….just haven’t moved forward to the actual or “rules” “spanks” or any corrections etc. I’m….believe it or not, quite submissive in many ways, I enjoy doing things for him, keeping laundry, house, etc. He is service oriented, He likes to have things done for him, back rubs, or if i just pick him up something or do a special chore that he would normally do and I just did it to help out, those sort of things. I don’t mind as he also does lots for me. so to say…”hmmm tonight, lets assume the position”, I think he would struggle if there really is no reason. He mentioned just starting with “Maintenance” but thought…when?How? how often? why? I couldn’t answer those questions for him. SO, any insight on the Letures, or how to feel comfortable for him to do such would be great. Not to mention…..how do you know ….when to give first “move to the bedroom lets talk” ?
Any help is greatly appreciated
Linda
Here’s some thoughts on scolding Linda: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/a-question-on-scolding-in-dd/
Good luck, Sara and Grant
Sarah,
I am hoping you can help me. I read your blogs and feel the same way you do. I want my husband to rule our home. He has punished me, but never on a regular basis, it is usually just for foreplay I feel. How do I start the DD life? How do I find friends that are into DD and what is your maintenance schedule like?
I know this is the life style for me, I am just not sure what exactly the practices are and how to speak to Tom (my husband) about this! I do know he would be in agreement with me when I say I think this could help us so much.
Any help or suggestions you can give would be great. I love your openness and your obedient relationship. I wish I had girlfriends that you speak of and I really could use some guidelines to get the ball rolling.
Please advise anything you have to offer I will take to heart!
Thanks much!
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Go back to the top of this page and read the questions and answers on how to start DD, maintenance, etc. I think that will give you a good idea of how to move forward. DD takes a lot of communication and patience as well. It is something that we and our guys need time to grow into. Take anything that really speaks to you and print it or email it to him, but not too much at once! There are also some good links on the sidebar under Domestic Discipline. Then talk..try to put some of YOUR words on what you are feeling, what you need. And allow him time to process all this. If you have any specific questions, feel free to come back and ask!
Sara
Sara,
On my blog yesterday you mentioned that you had a problem with emotional/stress eating as well. You recommended finding other things to help you deal with the emotions. Just wondering what you do for those times? Does Grant help you with it or is it something you deal with on your own. Any suggestions would help.
And thank you for this incredible blog, I have learned so much from you and Grant. I can’t wait until we are four years into this and are more comfortable and truly know what each other needs.
Sara,
I was wondering if there are any fiction and non fiction books you recommend that deal with DD? Are there any romance novels with DD?
Also, what blogs or websites do you feel are the most helpful? Besides yours of course!
Hi Shelling, There are the blogs I read listed on my side bar. Then, if you google spanking stories you will find all sorts of links. Have fun reading! Sara
Sara-
I am so thankful for your website. I am starting to think that dd is not as alternative as it appears. I am also in the midst of the noreaster! I used to be so deppressed at the thought of being cooped up all day. Now, I love being with my husband and family all day.
Where did you find a dd trainer? I think this would really help us as we are new to this amazing life.
Thanks!
B
OMG!
Just fully understood the article
LOL
Bethann,
Yeah that post was not about a Dd trainer. I will say I don’t really beleive in Dd trainers. TTWD is about being the best YOU can be, about developing intimacy and a power dynamic between the two parties in a relationship. I think bringing a 3rd person in from the outside confuses and diffuses. It is not as if Dd “trainers” are trained themselves in couples therapy or skilled in knowing how to empower a couple. I have seen it bring trouble to many marriages, break couples up, and truly think that the focus should be on finding the dominant and submissive within YOU, not trying to be like anyone else.
I hope you and your husband find your way, Sara
I lurk alot, have trouble getting a kid-less moment to write here.
I sort of want to see if this resonates with anyone. We’ve been exploring spanking, power dynamics, TIH, I don’t know if we can really say Dd, because we aren’t all that consistent. This has been a little over a year, now. I’ve been wanting to take things farther, and I stumbled onto something I think has held us back.
First, I’m a very direct sort of person. I don’t like being manipulated, and I tend to state things directly, and don’t push on things I’m still waffling about. But when it comes to discipline, or yielding power, I want it and don’t want it at the same time. So I’m often uncomfortable with my own ambivalence, and feel like I’m sending my hubby mixed messages.
We’ve never really been at each other’s throats, nor on the brink of splitting. Because whenever things get “that tough”, we back off. If I think I’m making him mad, I back off, which means we don’t necessarily work the thing out. I’ll feel secretly insecure or resentful, because I don’t know where we are with the issue. Or worse, I imagine all sorts of things which he may not even be feeling. If he thinks I’m uncooperative, he backs off from the argument, although often he still does whatever he wants.
So as we’ve grown a little bit in this past year, and I’ve asked him to take on the HOH role, he agrees. But it doesn’t happen all the way. And I realized we keep coming up to this point, where he almost takes control, but I’m not willing, and he backs off. So I realized that it is THAT point that we need to move through.
Right now, it’s not really with him in control–because whatever he has done has been to please me. And although I feel like I’ll fall off of a cliff, I think he needs to take it past this, to understand that it is what I want, overall, big-picture wise, even if on the individual points I might not be happy about it.
And we did begin this discussion, although I suspect, like most things, we’ll have to keep coming back to it, because we’re humans with our own current patterns of behavior.
Hi Jule,
I answered your question here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/a-question-on-ambivilence-about-discipline/
And check in the comments for some other thoughts! My best, Sara
hello sara and grant,
i am always faszinated how you both come up with your life and your strong marriage. your thoughts, sara, are very intelligent and special to me!
my husband and i started ttwd some years ago, when we were in aour early 40s. i know that you are about our age (mine is now 47) and i wonder how you come up
with your body and spanking! I mean, i am sometimes ashamed of my body, which
turns older with me (naturally!). all those spanking pictures in the internet are showing
very young and pretty bodies. i do not look like them anymore (i mean, i am not that
ugly, but older!).
how do you think about your age and ttwd? i struggle (hope that is the right word)
and cannot enjoy our dd relationship totally because of that shame! can you understand what i mean?
on the other hand i am very very lucky to keep our marriage going so well with some
spanking for me, sometimes! My submission helpes a lot in many ways of our relationship, expecially now, where the kids are older and my husband and me can get closer again.
i just feel miserable about my body. (i think, my husband does not think about his body, men are always fine!!!)
please let me know your thoughts.
i really adore your writing, sara.
bye, gymlady
gymlady, I tried to answer here, as did some terrific commenters!
Take a look: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/spanking-into-middle-age/
Hope this helps, Sara
hello Sara,
thank you very much for your prompt answer. it helpes me a lot! just thinking how good you are coming up with our aging process makes me feel better. i loughed out loud by reaeding about you not beeing media star material (maybe the translation into german makes a more funny???).
you are totally right, by making the best of your type, forget on your body what you cannot change and do the best with the rest! i think, i am on the same way, i just was not sure, if i get it right. my husband does not like my talking about my weight and how i always look in the mirror. he loves me, and i think he likes me most, when i like myself, that’s for sure. so i am trying to like myself more. when i turned 40 i had a time, i thought, sexlife and even men are over. my marriage was down to a very serious point. two years later we started of course slowly and not totally with dd. funny is, at age 47 i feel younger than 7 years ago. it is all self image, you are so right!
So, Sara, let us hope to have some more nice spanking years and try to make the best of us. dd mariage makes us stronger. i know, i can take much more trouble with a strong husband in the backside who lead me, when i need it. Sara, you make my self estime much higher by answering me. (i just think i loose it again, by reading my poor english! sorry, i cannot find better words. it is a pity, because i love good writing, that is why i like your blog so much)
have a good time and thank you again very much for understanding. gymlady
Hi, Sara…
I’ll keep this short as I am sure you end up with a lot of email.
If I am reading correctly you and your husband were divorced / remarried? Do I have that right? Do you mind if I ask if DD was throughout your entire relationship or only since you’ve been remarried?
My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce right now but – it is so strange. We are both massively drawn to each other; we talk, email, video chat every day.
I have thought about DD throughout the last (I’d guess) 10 or 11 years of our 13 years but never found the courage to tell him. Among a lot of other things that would have to be worked out, I think one of our main issues is how controlling or dominant both of our personalities are. The difference being I also have a deep desire to submit to someone I can trust. (I don’t mean BDSM submit – I mean more HOH).
I am not sure it is worth putting that part of me on the line now – even if it is what might save us. I can’t help but think that may be what tears us apart (even as friends) forever if he is the type of man who can’t wrap his brain around what I want (as a friend if thats all we end up being) or can’t fall into that role naturally (if he were to stay my husband and try it with me). I don’t doubt it would’ve worked 10 years ago if I had just found the courage to speak up. I think we would be fine now.
I guess….I don’t know what I am looking for really. Your page just…tugged at my heart. You have what I want, I guess?
Ok…well I guess maybe just knowing when the DD started for you is my only logical question in what has ended up *not* be so short and sweet. Sorry about that.
I hope this finds you well. Take care.
~Mary
Mary,
If writing this blog could help save one marriage, prevent one divorce, I will have felt it well worth the effort!
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/can-domestic-discipline-prevent-divorce/
I am rooting for you!
Sara
Hi Sara,
My husband and I just began DD only 1 month ago. I am “training” him as leader, you might say, in so far as I do all of the fact gathering, and send him to websites and feed him info. (How else would you do it? It’s not like there’s a manual – to quote your blog, LOL ! ).
But I have been doing some research in particular about leadership style and I was wondering whether you and Grant have adopted any kind of leadership model for your relationship. I have asked my HOH to read about Servant Leadership (Wiki) and I am hoping that he will adopt this as his model.
I know that one of these days, I will hand him the steering wheel, and I hope that he makes the right choice. I know that one day I may say, “WHAT THE HECK DID I DO GIVING HIM ABSOLUTE POWER?!!” but I still think we are going to forge ahead.
I must admit that your post scared me a bit. I am at the stage where he is more following my lead than I his. I am being patient and letting him take on as much as he wants. I just fear the “micro management” as we have been there before.
It would be great to hear what you think.
Wishing you Bliss, Elysia
Hi Elysia,
Starting DD brings up lots and lots of questions. I tried to answer some of yours here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/02/21/a-question-on-leadership/
Let me know what YOU think!
Sara
Hi Sara. I’ve been reading your “mothering” posts, and I admire the way you try to step back and let Grant “be the kids’ Dad”. It’s something I struggle with, too – trying to not interfere when I think my husband is too harsh with our youngest (he’s 14). And I’ve been trying, and making progress, but the one thing I struggle with is – it makes me absolutely crazy when they scream at each other at the dinner table, and I really feel like my husband chooses that time of day to start a discussion about homework or too many video games, and then my son starts yelling, and it makes me feel sick.
I cook a nice dinner, and I so want family dinner time to be special, and we talk, and my husband agrees – and then it happens again.
My normal reactions are to scream at them both (totally unacceptable), or take my dinner in another room (my husband doesn’t like that either). Should I just shut up, and let them ruin my dinner? Is there anything I can do once this starts? What would you do? Grant’s ideas would be very welcome also.
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa, Here’s some feedback from both Grant and me: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/a-question-on-parenting/
Sara
Hi Sara,
I have been reading your blog for awhile and I believe you had mentioned about depression. My wife has been on meds. for anxiety and depression with reasonably good result but there are still recurring bouts of both and she is unable to return to her profession because of panic attacks. My question is whether you have any experience with spankings helping the bouts of depression and anxiety. Spanking was certainly not mentioned in her therapy sessions. I apprciate any advice you might have.
Scott
Scott,
I answered here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/can-spanking-help-depression-or-anxiety/ , and some others had good comments to make too. I hope she’s doing better!
Sara
Sara,
Hello. My name is Mona. I am a 31 year old mom. My husband, Bill, and I have been together 10 years and married for 8. We’ve gone with DD most of the way. Our rules framework is sort of structured around the 4 Ds. We have made additions to account for my personal weaknesses and bad habits, Billy’s pet peeves, and a few of his personal preferences.
I usually do not have too much trouble living within these rules. When I fail, Billy can be tough. He is a big believer in the warm up spanking and will take a lot of time with it. After he follows up with an implement, usually a belt, I can be quite sore and have trouble sitting. As the cliche goes, everytime I sit down for a week… So, I try my best to avoid these situations.
My punishments are rare but thorough. Even so, I find myself intrigued by maintenance as I have been reading more and more about it. Billy has never really said much about maintenance one way or the other as we do not use it.
Would it be wrong for me to ask him to implement a maintenace program? I don’t want to control it or even call the shots if it was used. Is maintenance a “be careful what you wish for” kind of thing? The idea of maintenance has reached out and grabbed me and I don’t know why, especially since my discipline is the “real deal”
Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Mona
Hi Mona,
I have answered your question with: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/is-it-wrong-to-ask/ .
Wishing you Happy Spanking!
Sara
Hi Sara,
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, we have 2 boys(both from our past relationships) and one on the way. After about six months into our relationship I told my husband that I wanted him to spank me. Since then we have incoporated spanking into our sex life but I want more than that. I am very interested in the DD lifestyle but I dont think my husband will be even if I do tell him. The reason I say this is because i have told him that I wanted him to spank me as a punishment as well as in our sex life but he didnt take very well and said no. I had not done any kind of research and did not about DD when I told him what I wanted. I think it would help our relationship because we are always fighting with each other usually over something stupid that I did and keep doing. All he does is yell at me for a few hours to try and get his point across but I don’t really listen to him when he yells at me and I still end up doing the same thing again after a few weeks or months and then he yells at me again. I just don’t think I am taking him very seriosly. I also think that we are fighting for head of household. I have never told him how I really feel about it. I would rather him give me a good spanking than yell at me. I think it would help me remeber to not do the things he asks. How can I approach the subject with him, without upsetting him.
Thank you,
Heather
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Heather,
So many of us started right where you are. really there is no way to tell him except to tell him. Perhaps send him the links to a few sites you like..or even better print out a few post that explain what you want. Highlight or make comments on the parts that speak what you are thinking and feeling.
For those of us that are wired this way it is more than a sexual interest. If you have read the links on my sidebar, you will hear many women who have been in this same place and now live in dd marriages.
Grab your courage and tell him this is what you want, and why…what it means to you. Tell him how you feel about his yelling, the arguments, and that this is a way to have peace between you in your home. Explain the concept of HoH and what you feel that you NEED from him to feel safe and content.
I wish you luck, Sara
hi,
I think I have gained an understanding of (c) dd, and can see how it would or rather could increase love in some circumstances.
However the times of which it is mentioned that the wife did not want to or tried to fight are scary.
Any thoughts on this or what happens?
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Hi Amelia, I have tried to answer some of your concerns here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/when-a-wife-refuses-spanking/
Sara,
Hello. I could use some advice. Our DD rules are some pretty basic stuff, sort of the 3 Ds with additions for my personal weakness and my husband’s pet peeves. I also feel that a HOH husband should be fairly strict with his wife. Still, if I look at our rules, there is really no reason that I should ever get into trouble.
Even so, there are times when I do things that my husband feels need correction, and if I am to be honest, 99% of the time, I have done it and am guilty as charged.
When this happens, I get frustrated with myself. I know there are different kinds of spankings, erotic, punishment, maintenance; however, ours are punishment sessions, although he has hinted at starting me on a maintenance program soon. My husband is not excessive or abusive but he is very thorough. I would bet that my hand warm up might too hard for some women to take. I am not angy with my husband as he is perfectly within his authority to make this call. It’s just that I get frustrated with myself. As I am preparing and waiting, I am asking myself, “What were you thinking”?! I am frustrated that I brought this on myself, that I caused it, but that there is nothing I can do about it now.
Do you feel this self disappointment or frustration? If so, how do you deal with it?
Thanks,
Mona
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Mona, I am sorry for taking a while to get back to you! Here are my thoughts: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/07/05/spanking-and-guilt/
Hi Sara,
I finally told my husband that I wanted to try out the DD mariage for 6 months and then go from there. After some very long talks and explaining why I need this, he has agreed but with some stimpulations. The basic rules are the 3 D’s but my husband wants me to tell him what I am going to be punished for and how I will be punished. I have been discplined three times now since are agreement. I dont feel like it is working correctly because I am the one deciding on why I am being punished and how I am being punished. My husband is still having a hard time overcoming the whole idea of spanking me b/c he was taught to never hit a woman. I look at the spanking as being what I need to correct my behaviors. Last night I was spanked for not listening to him, being disrecputful and lying to him about the issue. It was the first time that he spanked my bare ass. He only gave me 4 swats with the wood paddle that he made a couple of weeks ago. It hurt last night but today I feel fine. I think he stops the spanking to soon because I dont feel like it worked. I think that I am just going to have to be patient and see what happens over time. I hope with more time that my husband will take more control and start discplining me without me having to tell him what to discpline me for. I also hope with time that it will get easier for him to spank me and possible give me the long hard spanking that I need.
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Heather,
There is no other way than down the road of communication. Show him what you wrote to me. Talk about it. Tell him how you feel. Longer, harder, takes time for him to feel comfortable and understand your needs, what is effective for you. He’s wasting both your time if your needs aren’t met and he’ll understand that with time and practice.
On the other hand, patience is needed on your part. Go read back into the archives of “Externally Motivated Wife”. The link is on the sidebar of my blog. KayLynn was just where you are. Her husband put the discipline piece in her hands, That was the only way he could feel comfortable. I suspect it has to do with a the issue of consent and “never hitting a woman”. (And you DO want to be with a man like that!!!) Things have grown and she no longer makes the rules nor decides the punishments, but it took almost a year to get there and lots of talking and lots of waiting…letting him grow at his speed, and balancing that with non critically expressing her needs. Talk to him!
Sara
Dear Sara,
Wow. I am amazed that I have found someone (you!) that has articulated so well my exact desires and feelings.
I have been married for 20 years, and we have struggled on and off. I am highly successful in my career and in charge of many people. My husband often has to remind me I am no longer at work and no longer in charge.
We have never had the discussion around the DD lifestyle, and like you were can’t even begin to think how to explain it to him to begin. We have experimented long ago with spanking and it is something that has never left my mind.
My husband is naturally dominant, and fits the HOH role perfectly. He is a loving balance of respect for me, values my input, wants to make me happy, etc. He is though, a guy who naturally takes charge in our home and we do have many elements of DD without either of us formally acknowledging it as such.
The reason I have begun to research this is the need I have for spanking and the fact that I recognize that he is man who deserves to be followed. I have for too long behaved in a way (not all the time, but at least once a day!) that undermines his authority, creates chaos in our relationship and causes him grief that he truly does not deserve. I aslo suffer from hormone issues that frankly I use as a license to be a beast. I know it.
I have read all the posts on beginning the relationship in your blog. I cannot thank you enough for helping to provide me with clarity around what I want and need. I have started the discussion with him about my desire to follow his leadership, my trust in him and desire to submit to his decisions. We have also talked about the need for me to stop undermining his authority with our daughter. His response was “it’s about time, I have been telling you all along life would be much easier and enjoyable if you listened to me and went along, I know what I am doing”. And indeed he does.
What I cannot imagine is bringing up the spanking thing, even though we played around with it in the past and he is aware I desired it. We never talked about it as serious discipline and even tho I think it’s what I want, I am still not sure. I know I desire some sort of discipline from him and need it, just not sure what that looks like. He makes statements naturally like the other day I started getting frustrated with him and raised my voice. He responded “raise your voice to me again and I will beat your ***!” Problem is, he doesn’t actually do it!
Sara, I know that this lifestyle would help us achieve and enjoy a level of intimacy that would make our relationship even bettter.
I have been experimenting the last couple weeks with working on allowing him to lead, without saying a word. I cannot believe how naturally he falls into that role. So, I feel like I am lucky to have such a great natural foundation for this lifestyle that I think I desire.
My questions for you……how did you know for sure? What do you think of the approach of just waiting and seeing what happens? I am slightly apprehensive about how he will feel about the punishment aspect and whether or not he will be comfortable with that. He seems to be perfectly comfortable telling me what I should and should not do, setting limits on behavior, etc. I just don’t know about the enforcement part. If I think about it, now we just end up in a fight when I am acting out, because he does clearly communicate his displeasure with me, which usually leads to more acting out. Maybe he will see the potential in having another option?
Anyway, I am so grateful to have found you. We could be twins! I appreciate any advice your or Grant has.
Kim
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Dear Kim,
Unless you try you will never know if this is right for you. Go to my main page and at the bottom right there is a search function. look for “Beginning Dd” and “Trust”. That will be a good place to start. Here’s one you might find reassuring: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/the-submissive-partner%e2%80%99s-role-is-not-passive/
Print whatever appeals to you and underline the important parts, and give them to your husband. Ask him to read them. Then talk with him, share your fears, see if he can reassure you…then take the plunge!
Good luck! Sara
Hi Sara,
I just encountered DD and found your blog while searching for information on the topic. Your writings, and Grant’s also, are very useful and a pleasure to read. So much of what you say seems to be echoing in my soul.
I am finding myself very drawn to this lifestyle, as is my husband. We have been together for 5 years, married for a little over 1, but we were starting to drift apart. In our case, it’s not an issue of explosive tempers and argumets; we are both very nonconfrontational and tend to turn inwards during disagreements. Of course this fosters resentment and a weakening of our relationship. I think that he has been unhappy because I was not respectful of him as a person and my husband, let alone the head of our household; and I was angry that he didn’t take a more active role and left me to handle everything on my own.
Which leads me to spanking. I have read many blog articles on various sites about spanking as a catharsis, a way of purging emotions and ‘resetting’ your mind to get past a problem. We were eager to explore spanking as a way to face and resolve issues rather than bury them; the idea being that a lecture, follwed by a spanking and finally cuddling, would bring our feelings out in the open and deal with them immediately. We had a long talk the other day during which I expressed where I felt I had let him down, and he shared his thoughts on the subject. After we’d gone through it, he spanked me. But… I’ve spent so many years blocking my emotions and walling myself off that I couldn’t let go and really feel my punishment and release. We have talked more, and have another spanking planned (my son still lives with us), but I’m wondering if you have any suggestions about making that emotional breakthrough? What do you find helps you focus on whatever issue you’re being disciplined for and your remorse about it?
Thanks again for your great site, and any words of wisdom you might have!
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Sheila, I am sooo sorry I missed this! Life has been particularly difficult and quite busy these past few months. I promise to answer!
Sara,
I just wanted to tell that i read your blog all the time. Your post are so true to life. Thanks for a job well done.
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Submissive Husband, thanks very much for stopping by and for letting me know. The post are true to life because this IS my real life!
HI SARA AND GRANT
I HAVE A QUESTION , MY HOH AND I HAS BEEN IN A DD RELATIONSHIP FOR SEVEN MONTHS THINGS GO WELL FOR THE MOST OF THE TIME, THERE IS JUST SOMETHING I WANT TO YOU TO ANSWER ME. THE LAST FEW TIMES WHEN I RECIEVE PUNISHMENT IT WAS REALY HARD FOR ME TO TAKE, I KNOW I DESERVED IT, BUT I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF A FEW DAYS AFTER PUNISHMENT I BEGAN TO EMOTIONALY PLAY MY HOH FOR PUNISHING ME. AFTER THAT HE FEELS SO GUILTY AND I FEELS HORRIBLE ABOUT IT, BUT BEFORE I KNOW IT I’VE DONE IT AGAIN. MABY I JUST CAN’T BEAR THE FACT THAT HE IS THE LEADER AND I MUST SUBMIT, I REALY WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK OUT, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME. IF THIS COULD HELP HE DO NOT BELIEVE IN MAINTANACE SO THE ONLY SPANKINGS I RESIEVED IS PUNISHMENT, SO WHEN THIS HAPPEN I’M ALWAYS BRUISED NOT BECUASE HE IS TO HARD ON ME, JUST BECUASE IT DOESN’T HAPPEN OFTEN ENOUGH
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Julz, over time I think a Dd relationship has to develop past the “you mess up and I punish you” scenario to a dynamic that involves dominance and submission. It’s about establishing him as the leader and you as the follower in the marriage. I think the key reason most women ask for this and are interested in spanking is because it is a primal demonstration of dominance. The key is to find ways that he can help you to feel his dominance outside of a disciplinary interaction, so that is not the only thing you can rely on to ‘feel’ his leadership. If you have to misbehave to get spanked you can fall into a viscous cycle. Many people develop different types pf spanking in their marriage for just this reason. You might be interested in reading these posts, perhaps sharing them with your husband:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2007/09/20/maintaining-dd/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/03/12/therapeutic-spanking/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/10/18/reassurance-spanking/
Hope this helps! Sara
Hi Sara and grant,I have a question.
I am talking with a woman who wants me to show more authority to her,
and i have been doing that, though only on the phone and via text messages though yes she sees i have changed and becoming that way..though she still has not seen in person.I have given her some spanks when we got together once, The Problem is we are waiting till her divorce is signed, so it means we have to wait. Though at times she says i want my husband to be like that, then she says she wants me to be then some times she puts it the other way round say me first then, saying future husband.
and so my question is would a woman who, seems to want just friendship
share the details about the life she wants, and calls the friend sir and talks about how she wants him discipline her and such.
would a woman share these kind of things if she did not want anything with him other than friendship?
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Richard, I am a little confused by your question. I don’t know what a woman would or would not say in her circumstances, but I will tell you that I think it is really important to end one relationship before starting another, and if you are getting mixed signals, there’s a good chance she is having mixed feelings. A disciplinary relationship is all about setting boundaries, and it seems already the ones between you and she, and she and her husband are blurred. If it were me, I would back off and wait until she is clearly ready to begin anew.
Sara
Hi Sara!
I’m a college student, NOT in a relationship and I have a high need for a “therapeutic spanking”.
How can find the person to administer it? (No sex involved)
Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions =)
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Well, to be honest, my interest and focus are really on discipline and spanking within committed monogamous relationships. I have that bias not only because it reflects who I am, but also because I feel that the intense emotions that develop in a discipline relationship are best kept within the confines of a committed relationship. Spanking is always sexual in some way, and anyone who denies that is not being completely honest. That being said, I do know some other blogs that can refer you to disciplinarians. But please, be careful! Not everyone is as they seem, or who they say. The Internet is full of every kind of person mixed together, both wonderful and awful people, and you simply cannot trust everyone you meet! Try contacting Todd and Susie at The American Spanking Society at toddnsuzy@yahoo.com. I am sure they can help.
Sara
Hi Sara,
We are new to DD, we’ve been doing it for just over 5 months. It was something my husband suggested, and after explaining it all to me, I agreed to give it a shot. (After the end of 6 months if I don’t want to continue, we won’t.) I really, really want it to work. Submitting is something I feel needs to happen for a relationship to work, especially when we have 5 kids. The only way I will submit to him is if there are consequences for not doing so. I’m just having troubles right now with us doing this. One of our agreements at the beginning was I would have the right to veto rules within reason. I can’t just veto every rule, and so far I haven’t vetoed any and we have quite a few. That might have something to do with the ones I don’t agree with, I agreed to while over his knee during weekly reminders. (lol)
My question is, were there ever rules Grant put on you that you didn’t agree on at first, but came to accept it and see the point to it? I’m having troubles with Caleb’s recent rule on how I dress. We are Christians and I had told him I wanted to dress more modestly, so he put a rule on me about him having to approve of what I wear. I feel this should be my decision and my conviction, and he has no say in it. I have spoken to him about this, and he told me he understood my point of view, but he still thinks the rule is important and in my best interest, so has left it. I was punished earlier this afternoon for breaking it. (ouch!!!) I just have real problems with it and I want to know how you come to accept the rules.
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Hi Hannah, I have answered your question here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/a-question-on-rules/
A few others have added their thoughts, which I always hope for, and welcome.
I hope some of this helps! Sara
Help Sara!!
I have been one of your lurkers for a while. I really need your advice on our situation. K and I have been using TTWD for almost a year now. I am working very hard on the submission part of our relationship. It can be hard for me because I am the one who is in control in every other aspect of my life…business woman, mother, teacher…etc. K and I have had our ups and downs with my submissive side and I am doing better.
My problem is this…we are apart Tues, Wed and Thurs of every week. While we are together, it’s pretty smooth sailing. However, as soon as we part ways and I have to don the “in control” hat in the other parts of my life and it spills over into our relationship. Do you have any advice how to handle this?
Today, for example, I told him I was leaving my job to go back to my cabin….in the meantime, my girlfriend texted me and I stopped to talk to her. I texted K to tell him my change in plans. Later, when I talked to him, he told me he was not happy because I didn’t tell him WHERE I was meeting her. Seems like the more I give, the more he wants. It’s frustrating and tiresome…..then I get grouchy and short…and the fight is on…
I’ve read in your blog about “submission exercises”. Could you explain more to me or give me some examples. I could use any advice you can give me. You always give such wise advice to others. I appreciate any thoughts you might have.
K’s Sweetie
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Hi K,
I am not sure I understand why he would need to know where you are meeting a friend….every step you take. Unless you want to be micro-managed, I could think that would get very tiresome. A dominant man does not have to be controlling, and you are obviously not in need of that kind of ongoing direction. What do you think is behind his need to know every detail? Frankly, I’d find to hard to function like that.
Sara
Help, i need some advice please.
I am in a relationship with a very dominant man. He is clearly in charge in our house and I love him to the ends of the earth. He has never spanked a woman before except for me and i love to be spanked in a sexual way and so we talked about it and i asked him to do it and he has so a few times now. He has surprised himself at how much he likes to do it.
He often “swats my behind” in more of a playful manner if i am cheeky or say something a little out of line with a wag of the finger and a “watch the lip lady”; or will “threaten” a wallop if i dont watch my step. Part of me pushes him ever so slightly to see if he would just bend me over and spank me for something that annoyed him.
I would like to delve a little more into the DD side of our relationship, that instinctively i think may be there, with punishments (spankings and other punishments) but not quite sure how to broach the subject with him. Does anyone have any advice on how to do this? I dont want him to think i am a freak. I was scared enough to talk to him merely about spanking me before sex but I tried to explain to him how it feels and it ended all good with me getting exactly what i asked for.
But on the other hand i am also not sure if i really do want punishment spankings – or other punshiments for being cheeky or doing something wrong – though the thought of being “told off” and sent to bed early sends tingles through my stomache.
Would i not look to misbehave just to have the spanking? Does anyone else do this just to have a spanking or some other punishment? Is this a comment feeling? Can the spanking always be followed with sex or is this “frowned upon”? Because no matter what the reason was i have to be honest and say here that if i get a spanking its always going to turn me on – no matter the intensity.
I was reading a blog the other day on another site about a woman who is involved in a DD relationship whose spanking always resulted in making love, every time. Even maintenance spankings. Is this meant to happen? Or is it meant to be purely spanking for punishment.
From the little i have said about him, do you think he may well be interested in the DD side of our relationship? How do I ask him about it? I am scared of sounding very silly and freaky. Its not that i want to be a “little girl” or anything like that. And he certainly doesnt want to have a “little girl” for a partner. I have always believed that the man of the house is in charge. I guess it was the way i was brought up – very old fashioned and traditional.
I have been married before to a man who very much liked to spank me and i remember once or twice he actually spanked me for punishment. I remember how i felt afterward, very loved and cherrished and guilt free. I dont go out of my way to behave badly and i do always try to treat my new man with a great deal of respect in any event. But would i if i knew i was going to be punished for it? Would i not be tempted to misbehave to get the desired result? That is a big fear of mine. Becuase if that was the case am i really into the Domestic discipline side or just mearly spanking for pleasure?
Perhaps i should just stick with the spanking for pleasure side of the relationship.
As you can see i am feeling a little conflicted.
Thanks for reading. I hope you can advise me.
Well I suppose i could try again.
Firstly i apologise for my last long post being so confusing, but that’s the point I am very confused.
I like being spanked, always have always will. My finance has nevet spanked a woman in his life until me. He has surprised himself as to how much he likes to do it. It took me a long time to ask him to give me an erotic spanking but now i have and i get exactly what i want. He said to me that i just have to ask he is there to give his woman what she wants.
I just feel that i would like to delve into the domestic discipline side of our relationship that i instinctively feel is there.
My fiance is very much the boss of the house. I think i would like a spanking to be as a punishment. But how do i explain that to him when i am not even sure myself why. I can hardly say the word “spanking” or “punishment” as it is! I dont want the erotic spankings to stop though either. But HOW DO I ASK HIM TO SPANK ME AS A PUNISHMENT . I am scared he will think so badly of me. He often tells me off if i do something wrong or say something he thinks is out of line. He often threatens to “slap my arse” for me if i do something wrong or am too cheeky. In fact one example i had an issue with his sister and i wanted to go and see her to discuss it with her. He wouldnt let me and so i asked well what would happen if i just went to see her anyway, regardless. He said he would “slap my arse big time for me”. I in end heeded his advice and didnt go.
I think my big fear in talking to him about this is i am not sure how to deal with punishment after its done. A spanking is always going to turn me on, no matter the reason its given or the intensity. Sometimes our erotic spankings can be very intense. So a question here is once a spanking has been given and is over in the DD lifestyle do we then make love or is it frowned up on because its meant to be a punishment or is this something that we as a couple would decide for ourselves – for example no making love that night because for that very reason – its a punishment. A non-physcial punishment i would think woud be easier to deal with – once a telling off is over its over. He tells me off all the time as it is and once its over its over and I say im sorry and we carry on as usual.
In this lifestyle can we have both punishment spankings and erotic spankings too? How do you differentiate between the two?
Anywayy, once again another long blog (sorry) I am very conflicted at the moment as you can see. There are questions in there and if anyone has any advice or answers they would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks.
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Hi Lesley,
As to how do you tell him…there is no way but just telling him. You might want to go to a few blogs by couples who practice Dd that you relate to, and either print off or email him a few posts that you really relate to. There are plenty of links on the side of my blog.
Now, about those “rules” you asked about, when Dd couples do this or that, if you can call yourself Dd…. Dd is not an organized club and no one gets to make the rules for anyone but themselves. If you read some of the blogs I mentioned, you will see that we all function a bit differently, according to what we and our partner feel comfortable with. Read, learn, share with your husband, try to fin d a way to talk a lot…or email even, and then try things. You will find your way!
I wish you luck,
Sara
Thanks for the replay Sara. Over the last couple of weeks we have talked about my needs and i think he is slowly getting the idea. I find it difficult to talk about it – i cant even say the words taking control, being in charge, spanking and punishment. But we are slowly getting there. I strongly feel that he has it in him to take complete control and be my HOH – which i so dearly want. I just want him to be in charge now and make decisions (although i want him to take in my point of view too). I dont like disagreements and arguments and the ill feeling afterward. (Like today
but it will sort itself out). We had a credit card incident a couple of weeks ago and he took complete control and punished me over it without any suggestions and prodding from me. I did something very selfish and he got angry, then punished me and now its all over and done with and we moved on. I like that aspect of it. No angry arguments, or long resentful silences. Its over and done with.
When our home computer is fixed i will start emailing him some stuff to read. I have read and read and researched this for ages now. But i hope you dont mind me continuing to read here and post now and then. I find everyone here so very enlightening and encouraging.
Again, thanks heaps. Ill let you know how things go.
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Leslie, I am really glad to hear things are progressing well. Relationship shifts always take time and patience. Do let us know how you are doing!
My Best, Sara
Thanks for the words of encouragement Sara, i appreciate it. This is a hard slog. One minute i think he understands and is happy to give this a go and then the next minute he is saying something completely the opposite. I ended up writing him a short note trying to explain my need and that i meant what i said about the domestic discipline lifestyle – we practically live it anyway. He is the head of the house and i follow his lead, but just at the moment there are no punishments for me stepping out of line. I feel that he has it in him and then i start to second guess myself and doubt my instinct. Its frustrating. And more so becuase he has not yet read my letter and i left it there for him since yesterday morning
and now i feel im nagging him to read it. The more i go on, the more he asks whats in it, the more i dig in my heels and wont tell him (becuase i cant) and so the more he refuses to read it and the more frustrated we are both becoming. I just want to yell at him read it already and then spank me for being such a brat about it and nagging about it and then we can get on with this or not if you really dont want to try this. I just need to know yes or no.
Any suggestions or advice? I know i should just back off now but Im finding that really hard to do.
I will keep you posted.
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Leslie, if there is any way you can, back off and don’t bring it up again. You might as well get used to him not going at your speed, because if he says “Yes, we’ll try this”, trust me, you will have to learn patience!
AND, he should have read it by now, out of respect for you. If he can’t find the time, wants to avoid, chooses not to read something you asked him to read, walk away from the discussion. Tell him calmly, quietly, that after he reads it, if he wants to, you will be happy to talk about it. Until then, the ball is in his court, isn’t it? I suspect if you let it go, he will pick it up!
Let us know! Sara
I have been following your blog for awhile now, and I have to say that I really enjoy it. I feel that I have learned a lot from you and Grant. My husband and I have been practicing a form of dd for 5-6 years now.
I have asked him often to be more consistent with me and to spank me hard or long enough to help me let go of things and move forward. Sara, do you need to be spanked a certain way, or until you have a feeling of release to feel that a spanking is over and you are ready to move forward? When I ask my husband to spank me more because of my emotions, he says that he feels like he failed in the spanking attempt. I don’t want him to feel badly. Should I just be quiet about my need for long/hard spankings and allow him to be the judge….is that what submitting is really all about anyway?
My husband also recently shared that he really does not like the act of spanking me at all. While I do not enjoy the pain, I relish the end product where I feel at peace and we have re-established who is the hoh. He says that he does not want to stop DD but I fear that he really does because he seems to avoid spanking me or even correcting me. It seems that his actions speak lounder than words.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe I should try not to talk about it a great deal and just let him make choices about whether or not to discipline me. The problem is….how can I accept in my heart that he may not want to discipline me and that he seems to want to let the DD part of our marriage die. I wish I could turn off the part of me that wants DD. I love my husband more than anything. I want to let go of DD if that is what he needs me to do. I just need to figure out how to accept it, live with it, and be okay with it. What would you do?
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I hope this helps Lacey: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/my-need-for-longhard-spankings-a-question/
Good luck, Sara
Hi sara, thanks for the comments and all the advice. I think we have made progress. At least my bottom feels like we have today. Friday was horrid. Saturday he was in a foul mood. He finally read my note. Didnt say much about it. Didnt say much about anything to be honest. I have been upset most of the weekend which resulted in me not sleeping in bed on Saturday night – which angered him a great deal on Sunday – and wow did i feel his anger. First all all he made love to me, the he told me off, spanked me hard and the we cuddled on the bed and then a bit later asked me if that is what i am asking for YES YES YES. Now he threatens to discipline me over anything and everything – not sure whether to laugh at this or wince – this could be painful. He then decided to spank me again for the second time on Sunday night “just because”. That one broke me down to sobs i have to admit. This is pretty much all my fault really because i need to learn to talk – he doesnt like to read and would rather me just say what i need to say. I should be able to just say what i need to say. So next time he decides to spank me or if he brings up the subject then i will try my best to say exactly what i need to say – i have three things id like to see happen. So we will see. But at this moment in time i feel that progress has been made, feel being the operative word.
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Well good for you both Leslie! You and your TTWD will be a work in progress. You will have to learn and grow together, and make it yoour own. It will not be withoout difficulty, but in the long run, it is so worth the effort!
Sara
Dear Grant and Sara,
After reading your latest blog entry I decided I wanted to ask you a thing or two. My husband and I started DD last Aug, but it’s been on-again, off-again due to our busy crazy schedule / lifestyle and almost zero privacy. After weeks of going without and issues stacking up, we had quite a session last week but it left me feeling angry and depressed-kind of like what you mentioned in your blog. My attitude has been out of whack and yes, can be adjusted as needed….but the underlying issues were related to our unchanging crazy lifestyle and his ADD that undermines trust by not following through or planning ahead. It was like treating a symptom (my attitude) but not the root cause (the many ongoing issues/stress). I didn’t arrive at that warm fuzzy submitted feeling-just anger and frustration. So…..Has this ever happened to you? Do you get the “warm fuzzy submitted” feeling most of the time, or is the result a mixed bag? I’m just not sure this lifestyle can work when our marriage feels secondary to all the other stressors in life. This is still new enough to us that I’m trying to figure out what is “normal”, though I know our “normal” will probably be different than someone else’s “normal”. Thanks for sharing your lives with us.
Frazzledmom
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Hi Frazzledmom,
I sure hope you’re feeling better now! Here’s the answer to your question: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/when-a-spanking-leaves-you-angry-a-question/
Sara
One stop forward and ten steps back. I am so confused and anxious and frustrated. I feel like pulling out my hair or jumping up and down yelling.
Just when i thought we had things worked out and we understood each other – the goal posts are moved. Last week – in fact exactly 7 days a go I received my third and worst yet punishment spanking. He was really mad at me over a pretty major issue. From the first stroke i sobbed. It lasted a while and was severe and genuine. Afterward i was overwhelmed with love and respect for this man and how much easier it was to talk to him. He told me he loved me hugged me and asked if i was ok. Of course i was – i had never felt better.
But although i have annoyed him during this last week there have been no other spankings. Although he did say I would be getting a spanking sometime this week. What if it dosent happen. One minute i feel that he gets it and understands it and then the next i “panic” for want of a better word that he dosent really get it. Is it ok to ask him for a spanking? What if he says no? How do i deal with that “rejection”. SHould i keep telling him that I really want him to spank me when ive done something wrong or have stepped out of line.
Perhaps patience is the answer. But its never been a virtue of mine. Perhaps i should tell him next time he spanks me that “you do know its what i want i like it when you spank me for a reason, when ive done something wrong, stepped out of line.
Hi sara, I thought i would give you an update. I did get a spanking this week. Over an pretty major issue which wasnt totally my fault but i submitted and took my punishment. He always makes love to me afterwards. Which could confuse issues but i always feel the difference between a play spanking and a punishment one. I know when ive done something wrong and when he is angry at me as opposed to us just playing. Anyway i digress…sorry…I felt that progress once again was being made. I told him he doesnt have to wait for me to suggest it that he can just spank me whenever. He said he knows that. But again this morning he threatened to slap my arse over something and then continued on to say “oh i cant punish you like that, you like it” Arrrggghhhh!!. So because we had the kids around and i didnt want to leave the subject I took the opportunity and texted him. Just saying that yes he can punish me like that its what i have been trying to tell him that i need and like us to do. I pointed out that this week was a punishment spanking. I like the black marks that he is doing at the moment (he is taking black marks against me for little infractions) but i told him I need him to follow through with it.
He came into the bedroom and asked me what the text was about and i explained that i want to be disciplined for wrongdoing, that doesnt he get it yet. I like to be punished as well as the play spankings. There is a difference. He hugged me and said yes het gets it. He also said he has to let the black marks mount up – he can hardly give me one spank for one black mark. So i said well yes fair enough but maybe once a week I have to account for them would be really good.
So who knows. I have written another letter – im not going to give it to him to read but i will read it out to him this time, after the last fiasco.
This is a hard road but one I hope will work out really well once we get into a routine and he fully understands what i mean. I need to learn to talk properly intead of beating around the bush. (That could be a rule we set up)
Thanks for reading and listening to me moan on again – ill keep you updated as things go.
Great blog – love this site and everyone here. Great stuff.
Hi, I have been married for 27 years and have always had a desire to be spanked. I have tried to get me wife to spank me but she say’s I’m sick. Do you have any suggestions to try and encourage her?
I’m out of ideas and don’t know what else to try.
Thanks
Hi Sara,
I really appreciate you commenting on my post. I talked to my husband and he listened to me, so things are better. But my question is: where’s the line? A punishment is supposed to hurt, right? It’s supposed to motivate someone to do better. So an implement sometimes is supposed to be feared as a deterrent, right? So when do you know that that’s the case, or when it’s more than that, that it needs to be taken off the table completely?
I know you said you don’t have anything like the rubber strap we have in our house, which to put in perspective for you the way he used it didn’t even bruise me (yet trust me, still REALLY hurt!). But have you ever been through a punishment that seemed unbearable, that you felt you had to figure out how to deal with afterward? Or do you have an implement in your house that you absolutely hate? I guess I disagree with Jay, I want him to get rid of this thing completely, but I understand his point: if it motivates me, even if I hate it, then is it wrong for me not to just grow up, and accept the benefit of it?
Thanks, Sara!
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Here you go Kay: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/06/18/a-question-about-punishments-what-is-too-severe-and-who-decides/
Good luck! Sara
Hi Sara,
I’ve been reading your blog for several years, and find that you often write exactly what I am feeling, and I have shared a few of your posts, or excerpts, with my boyfriend, (but trying not to overwhelm him).
Joy of joys, he is now my fiance, and we’ve been sharing our hopes for our marriage. “We” in that sentence is more me; he’s more of a take it as it comes kind of guy, not prone to much relationship talk, as I think many guys are. We are both 50+, he is widowed, I’ve never been married. TTWD and Taken in Hand greatly appeal to me. He is a bit skeptical, but willing.
I’ve been trying to find “The Best of Finding Sara” by sorting through old posts, but it is overwhelming as there are so many good ones. So I just now had the brilliant idea to ask you if you have favorites that are along the lines of an overview of how this works for you.
If not, I’m enjoying the search!
Thanks,
Jane
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Hi Jane,
I am so glad you are finding my blog helpful and enjoyable…and thanks for de lurking after two years!
I don’t have “The Best of Sara” gathered, unfortunately. I did start working on a book that has some of that and more added, but got waylaid. Perhaps in the coming year.
In the meantime, there is a Search function underneath the blogroll, so you can put in “maintenance” or “spanking” or “submission” and posts that are tagged as such will come up. Maybe that will make wading through a bit easier.
Thanks for reading, Sara
Sara, I was just over @ Meow’s and Lash’s blogs and saw your comment about learning to “process the pain”. I would really appreciate hearing how you do that. I am such a wimp when it comes to pain of any kind (the epidural was my best friend during childbirth), and although Alex is always in control when he spanks me, as soon as the swat and sting become too much, I begin to feel a sense of panic and I honestly believe I can’t take anymore. We’re still new to all of this, and when I begin to have these reactions, Alex always makes concessions — usually by allowing more time between spanks — because he is trying to be sensitive to my pain level. The spankings usually end shortly thereafter and I always have the feeling that I have been the one who brought it to an end. I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place. From everything I’ve read, I think I should ask him to continue spanking me at those times until HE feels it is time to stop. On one hand, I want to do this; on the other…………I’m afraid I won’t be able to take it. Again, I’m not talking about anything of great severity here — I have just never been any good with pain of any kind. I long to be able to reach the place of emotional release during a spanking and have thus far been unable to do so.
Your thoughts?
Katherine
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Hi Katherine,
First, we all have different pain thresholds, and what might be a mid-level spanking for one person might be severe for another. You both have to learn your limits and respect them. The point of disciplinary spanking is not really to cause severe pain, unless you need and want that. The point is to get your attention, to help you process your and his emotions, to connect.
I was so much more sensitive in the beginning than now. I bruised when he used his hand. It took months to work up to a leather paddle and at least a year to use wood…which I hated! I’d avvise you go slowly and do not follow the trends of anything you read, but do what seems right to YOU. Some women (or men) are into pain. I am not. If you are not, then you just don’t need to ‘go there’.
To handle pain I have learned to get myself into almost a meditative state. Now this does not work for a punishment because 1) there is no warm up, and 2) there is too much emotional upset. But for other sorts of spanking I use deep breathing, counting the swats in my head, focusing else where, repeating a mantra in my head which varies “let go, he loves you”. Whatever works for you. The more I can relax the less focused on pain I am.
A good “warm up” helps. Him learning to spank (non punishment) by progressing slowly will help. His and your experience with spanking will make you better at giving and receiving spankings, all the way around.
Good luck, Sara
Hey Sara! I’ve read your blog quite a bit in the past and recently started following by email which led to all of your posts being sent to my email in spurts of around 20 lol. I don’t understand why but I’ve enjoyed it as it’s made it easier to read through more of them.
Anyhow, I have a question that I’m sort of lost on. From reading your posts I know that you and Grant have decided to keep your lifestyle between the two of you, however I was curious as to what you would say if you were to explain this lifestyle to someone…say a family member or close friend? I have told my very closest best friend and she was completely fine with it as she knows my soon to be husband very well and trusts him entirely. However, for my entire explanation I fumbled over every word and had her telling me to take a breath because she couldn’t understand what I was saying.
So now here’s my issue: David (my fiance) doesn’t see this as an odd lifestyle. He firmly believes anyone who knows us and found out would be fine with it. No one he knows knows but he isn’t afraid to tell them and I think he’s probably right with his friends and family, however I’m not as sure about mine. But my mom has become my best friend and I feel as though I’m leaving out this giant chunk of who I am and how my life works by not letting her in on well…how our life works. To me, this lifestyle defines us and I hate hiding it. I talk to my mom nearly everyday and we’re about to visit for a week and a half (for our wedding) and be staying with them. I feel like I should tell her before we arrive but I have no idea how to go about explaining it without her thinking I’m simply being treated like a child which due to a rough relationship I had prior to this one where that was pretty much the case she’s very worried about such a thing happening again.
Any advice on how to tell people in a way that they won’t think I’m crazy and incapable of doing things on my own? I’m very independent and feisty and stubborn and I simply crave this lifestyle and found a man who embraces it. But to someone who’s likely never heard of such a relationship…how do I say that?
Any advice would be so very appreciated…
Ashley
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Hi Ashley,
It is not a light decision to tell people about your lifestyle. Some people may never understand or even be willing to accept it. Despite your husband’s confidence, it could effect your employment if an employer found out. Hitting your spouse is illegal and abuse charges could be filed under certain circumstances. Even with consent, the line is fine, and I would advise being very careful. We do not share our lifestyle choice with any family members or even non Dd friends, any more than we share what we do in the privacy of our bedroom. Our marriage is not open for scrutiny or discussion.
That is how Grant and I feel. You and your husband will need to decide to do what you together think is best.
I am adding a link for a post a wrote for a concerned family member. Maybe it will help if you do decide to share with your Mom, for example:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/when-the-family-finds-out-a-dd-question/
Hello, I’m reading through all your posts in order but I can’t wait to find out the answer to one question I have. If you want, rather than answer me personally, maybe you can suggest some posts (I’m still in last 2007!) which address the issue. My question is this: you say you have (had at the time) children of around 21. I can’t imagine you could keep much from them that makes as much noise as spanking. Did they know about it? How did you deal with that? If they did/do know, how did you breach the subject and what do they think about it? Please let me know if there are posts that answer my questions. Our problem is that we’re having trouble finding the time for the punishment/maintenance because of the constant presence of children… Any help is welcome. Thx. K
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Here you go Kurt:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/a-question-spanking-and-keeping-it-from-the-kids/
Good luck! Sara
Sara,
I have a question. I have started letting my husband give me a few rules. Five to be exact. They are simple according to advice I have read you have given to others. I have recently started smoking. Started over the summer due to huge stress factors. He really wants me to quit to the point this is his focus. I feel like this is more my responsibility and because its an addiction the spankings might not be effective. He walloped me 30 times this am with a paddle he made in his shed. He really tired me and it did do something to my peri-menapause ways. I am 40 this year. I hate letting him down so I am searching for other measures like prayer for one. I really did not want him to open up the smoking for spanking because i don’t want to weary him seeing we are new to spanking consistently. He has always naturally spanked me because that’s just how our relationship has been. I have been with him since I was 15 so he has always taken care of me. He is only 3 years older but he knows I am something else. I just don’t want him to get to the place where what he does for me is not effective. I feel helpless to this addiction and I don’t want to make a mistake opening this up to discipline. I have tried to tell him that its not a good way to start this but he is blocking me out. Even though I am taking your advice he is pretty much calling the shots so in the mean time I am looking for other ways because I don’t think spanking is enough in this case. He has threatened to sniff test me every time he comes home and spank me. I am pretty tough he has only made me cry once because I rarely cry but he tells me he is going to be consistent. I just don’t know if wearing my butt out constantly is going to do the trick. When we started forming this into our relationship he told me that I was probably going to need several spankings. I was thinking like one a week but the way he portrays my behavior I am thinking he is planning several a day or at least once a day. I was thinking like one spanking a week. I don’t want to go overboard. I would like to know when you and Grant started what was the average spanking per week, day or etc. I am starting to feel the effects of losing power. I love power. That’s why I need this. Control gets me in trouble and I don’t always make the wisest choices. I just don’t want to spend my life bent across the bed. I just want to know if its normal when starting this is spanking frequently to curtail years of bad behavior normal. What is your thoughts for spanking for smoking? I have my doubts.
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Peace, as always this is just my opinion. I have not used Dd to stop smoking but I do know people who have…BUT they were on board with wanting to stop, and they initiated the smoking as one Dd issue after Dd was going, not as THE Dd issue to begin with. I agree, that smoking is an addiction and while spanking might be an aide, many people need medical intervention to stop. Have you talked to your Dr?
Usually when people begin Dd they do best to keep it simple. They have a few clear rules, ones they agreed upon, and they stick to those. Do most people find themselves being spanked every day? No. Spanking for discipline is serious business and I think if I were spanked…even seriously reprimanded… several times a day I would feel quite defeated! Most women feel ambivalent about the power exchange that goes on and that is one of many reasons to keep communication open and to grow your dynamic slowly. I can only recommend that you and your husband have a serious talk about your doubts and feelings!
Good luck, Sara
Hi Sara,
My husband is still reluctant to try this out. He thinks that I am asking because I enjoy the spanking sexually. I truly dont enjoy the actuall spanking. what I want is for him to take control. How can I explain it with out making seem a sexual thing.
Heather
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Hi Heather,
If you go to the web sites under my ‘Domestic discipline’ links. They talk a lot more about the dynamic than about spanking. Perhaps you might pick a few articles that cover the topic and send them to him to read?
Here’s 3 post that I wrote on the topic that might explain different aspects of punishment within a domestic discipline marriage.
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/06/11/punishment/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2010/10/16/why-punishment-spankings-work/
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/questions-on-punishment/
Really., whether they emjoy spanking sexually or not, I do not know of one Dd wife who in any way “enjoys” punishment. It is both physically and emotionally very difficult. We do it because it helps us emotionally and it helps our marriage.
Good luck! Sara
Sara,
A few weeks ago I read a post you had written about why you submit. I always wondered what made a woman want to do this and honestly your article brought me the closest to understanding as I have ever been. It wasn’t on your site…. I was on either taken in hand or another CDD site. I have looked for it over and over again and can’t find it. Do you know which post I am talking about and where I might find it again?
P.S. I was wondering if you have a bachground in journalism or English? You write so very well.
Dear Sara &
I am 35 my husband 43 we have been married for 13 years, when we got married I was just shy of 23, was working my first “real job”, living in my first real apartment by myself with no roommates and was pretty naive because I was 22. I allowed my husband to make the decisions and everything worked out great. As I aged I gained my knowledge, insight, not to mention opinions of my own and suddenly we didn’t agree on everything, because suddenly I didn’t always just trust his leadership.
During the spring 2011 we tried our very best to destroy one another verbally and mentally, I am seriously surprised we both came out without killing one another or one of us in prison, it was bad.
In July 2011 we did our annual pilgrimage to the family vacation home in the mountains to drop off our sons ages 4 and 6 with my parents who would drive them back 2 weeks later, it was during this trip that I accidentally came across a Dd blog. I was searching for something else on my phone and must have made a typo because the next thing I know I am reading blog after blog about Dd. Due to where we were in our relationship I was pretty much willing to try anything even though in my mind submission was a profane word that raised my blood pressure and could send me into a verbal rampage; but desperate times call for desperate measures so I brought up the lifestyle to my husband who thought that I had truly lose it and should be committed to a mental hospital upon our return to our state. I let it go for the rest of our vacation week, although I read more blogs and became even more intrigued and (this is embarrassing) turned on, not by the pain mind you just by the idea of a strong dominant man who would take control.
On the plane ride home I brought it up again because after all I had him captive for 2 hours and he made a bunch of points about why I was crazy, most of which centered around the fact that I was grown-up, his issues were: I should be able to control my emotions (only a man would say that), keep my organized, be capable of submission without his having to use physical pain, deal with my anxiety, respect him for who he is, keep up with my household and business duties (we own a business together), the list went on but the general gist of it was I was an adult and shouldn’t be treated as a child. I had him read some blogs and I explained that I felt this innate need for this like the need to protect my children, so he decided to do it. We got home he did it and then left the room to watch TV and I felt terrible, this resulted in a 5 hour fight and he decided we weren’t doing it again.
I kept reading blogs and continued to broach the topic he would spank occasionally, but not consistently and that drove me even more insane, I refused to do laundry for 6 weeks, nothing, quit cooking dinner, and helping around the house at all, NOTHING.
I know that he has issues with spanking in general because he is the product of teenage parents and his mother who administered the discipline in their household was brutal, impatient and often quite out of control when she did so, most likely due to age, also his grandpa whipped him with an electrical cord for something he didn’t do, I am quite sure he isn’t over these incidents because if he were why would I even know about them? My mother was the disciplinarian in my home, but my parents were in their mid to late 20′s when they started having kids. I know my mom spanked me, but not often and only for outward defiance, the only episode I remember is the last around age 7 when I got it for something I didn’t do, she apologized, felt guilty and came up with new punishments. Neither of our fathers ever spanked or disciplined.
Our main issue now is he is willing to do it, but doesn’t get why when it comes time I try to back out. I’m not a big fan of pain, I just like the after effect. He feels I should just submit and if we continue I may get there, I am sure I will get there, I think that the fight or flight instinct kicks in and that is hard to over-ride. How do I get him to get that if I buck that he has to stick to his guns? Also am I weirdo for feeling aroused at the thought, not the actual action but the thought?
Any feed-back or directions to previous blogs you posted on these topics would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Sara,
I just want to say thank you for your words. The blogosphere can be an amazing place to get information, but sometimes confusing. I have found several blogs where I scratch my head thinking, “”Why are these women acting this way? You came to him for this and now you are acting like a brat.” That being said, your words mirror my own thoughts and your blog feels like slipping into a warm tub where everything makes sense. So thank you.
A little about me. I started this journey with my husband about a year ago. we’re not DD, but I am submissive to him 24/7. I am a feisty woman and after ten years of marriage, I found myself saying “I love you” and he said, “No you don’t” and looked very sad. Hmmmph. Not good. He wasn’t feeling it. My mommy role was overshadowing the more important relationship. Suffice to say that things are MUCH better now that I have elected him leader, no term limits! After he read the email (wimpy, I concur) he said, “It took you ten years to figure this out?” “Uhhh, sorry?” Bounces foot to foot ready to run. : )
Anyway, reading your journey, seeing your graceful submission, reminds me of what I want to achieve and reminds me how very far we have come in a year. We both turned 40 this year and feel like we’re 17. Our children are appalled at our behavior and kissing in the kitchen sends them running. I have toyed with the idea of starting a blog, but I know it would be a huge time suck and I need to focus on my submission right now…and clean the bathrooms. : ) Maybe later. I feel this lifestyle would benefit so many couples I want to scream it from the mountain tops! When I hear women just bitching about their husbands and then they get mad when I won’t join in. Well, I am getting off track. Thank you again Sweet Sara.
P.S. If you’re curious about Butterscotch, it came up when friends of mine, a Master and slave, point blank asked if we were vanilla and I said, “No, we’re butterscotch” considering that those two are a banana split with sprinkles compared to me. LOL.