Ask Sara and Grant
From time to time I get questions on the Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I have answered in the form of a post, unless the reader requests privacy. I decided to organize them here and will always welcome more. I enjoy the questions. They make me think, they inspire me to expand on an idea, and I like to share the questions and answers, most especially because they begin a dialogue between newer Dd-ers and our cyber community. I also always appreciate other’s viewpoints and feel it is enriching to hear different perspectives. I hope readers will feel free to offer answers and comments too.
To that end I have created this “Ask” page. Please ask, please comment, and we will answer. I can only try my best to make my answers the “right” ones, but you can count on them always being honest and from the heart.
Ally said,
June 8, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Sara,
I’m really new to spanking for play (3-4 months or so) initiated by me (with my husband) and we are slowly and carefully dipping our toes in the dd pool. I’m the one in the relationship with the major interest and after reading lots of blogs and gaining some experience, I always have these questions popping into my head with no one really to ask them. I’d really like to have somebody to email questions to occasionally and hopefully find a friend in the community. I’ve read alot of blogs from start to finish, including yours, and I relate to you so well. I admire your desire to have such an open and honest relationship with Grant, your honesty and candidness on your blog, and your wisdom about relationships. Ask you probably have already realized, I am hoping you could be that person that I can bounce questions off of and get advice from time to time. I completely understand if you are too busy, or aren’t interested. It’s kind of hard to write this b/c after reading all your stuff I feel like I practically know you, but you don’t know who I am from anybody. I am just trying to be myself without putting myself out there too much yet. I feel kind of vulnerable trying to make friends in this way. It’s awkward. Anyway, in case your interested, I’m a mother of two small children, live in a regular suburban neighborhood, well, I’ll leave it at that.
Thanks,
Ally
Sara said,
June 9, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Ally,
I am glad you decided to contact me and welcome your questions. I remember very well when we started DD in our marriage and how much I needed to ‘discuss’ and ask questions. I still enjoy and feel enriched by that.
I am pleased that you like the blog and find it helpful. I have pushed myself to be very candid on my blog, one, because that just is who I am, and two, because I really feel there is value in this lifestyle and want to get out there that it is a viable option to help sane, stable, “normal” couples to develop better relationships.
No, I don’t know you, but new friends are always fun! Yes, it feels sort of weird to approach someone on the Internet, but it’s not like you are going to be likely to talk to a girlfriend about DD, and really wonderful solid friendships can start online.
Please ask questions whenever you want to.
Sara
Sara said,
June 10, 2009 at 7:35 am
Some Older Questions From Readers:
I have been reading your blog for several months now, and it has really helped my husband and I decide to give the D.D lifestyle a chance. Some of the websites and blogs are…scary.
I really relate to you on many levels. I too am the big boss at work, a mom etc.
I was wondering if you could maybe give some “starter” advice. Some road bumps you hit, that maybe we could avoid.
I would really appreciate it.
SEE: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/advice-on-beginning-dd/
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Hi Sara-
I need your wisdom/experience. You have written about the time you refused a spanking and then went to Grant at some future point to submit. He said he would spank you on his timetable and not yours, etc. I totally get where he was coming from as the HOH and leader of your home.
Here is my recent problem. …..
SEE: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/maries-question-getting-over-a-dd-bump/
__________________________________________________________________
Hi Sara-
Thanks for the very quick and thorough response to my questions. As one who has been there/done that, I really appreciate you letting us benefit from your experience……
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/maries-resolution/
Ally said,
June 10, 2009 at 11:47 am
Thank you so much Sara! I think your most recent advice post is great, I sent it to my husband and I think I will print it out and use it to jump start some more in depth conversation… I seem to dance around the topic a lot I think because it makes me nervous. I agree with the concept, I think it has lots of benefits, but it’s hard to hand over so much and honestly I am afraid. My husband has done nothing ever to cause me not to trust him, but I’m a bit of a control freak and it’s hard for me. I have a feeling I am not the only one to feel like this… I also think it’s hard for him to not think of it as one big sex game, we started the spanking for fun…then I discovered dd, thought “wow – I had no idea people out there were doing that! My progression went like this : that’s so wierd, why would women do that? (after a lot of blog reading) hmmm, I kind of get it now, (more blog reading) hmmm – these DDers seem very happy, satisfied, and fullfilled, most relationships are great, there’s no husband bashing, there must be something to this, maybe we could try this, wonder what hubsand would think now (he’d already said he thought it was ridiculous, but he knew I was doing all this reading) – then we had a clash of wills – didn’t talk much for a day or so and then he emails me, tells me I’m getting spanked for such and such… my first response was “WHAT!?!?!?” (smile inside) it doesn’t work like that. Though texting all day, he says maybe there is something to this dd and etc. So I submitted to a spanking, all very anticlimactic after dwelling on it all day (I think he was afraid to hurt me) and we had sex. a coulple days later we talked more about it, we are both moving towards trying it, no specific rules except be respectful. I’ve only been pun. spanked once more for failing to write stuff on our budget sheet. He got really mad at me when he realized I hadn’t been doing it and just yelled at me and walked off ticked. Normally, I would not have been disturbed by this, probably would have tried to argue my way out of why I should be held responsible for it. But I didn’t, firstly, I was disturbed by his anger and secondly, I felt bad. I really thought he probably spank that night, but instead he cooled off on his own and it probably didn’t even occur to him. The next day when he was at work, I texted him that I was sorry and I was suprised he did not spank. He said – “yeah, you do deserve one! we’ll do it tonight.” That one felt like a real punishment spanking. Unfortunatly, the discussion that followed was filled with bad communication (he can’t understand how I can want him to punishment spank for something, and not enjoy it (sexually), I was emotional and feeling raw, and left me feeling unsettled. The blame is probably mostly mine, as it’s is hard for me talk about dd with him. I’m a first born, I want to be perfect, I don’t like being wrong, it’s hard for me to admit when I am, dd goes against every cell in my body. BUT, I love how spanking makes me feel submissive (whether play or not), I love how it brings us closer to each other. Anyway, I am going on and on. I just need to suck it up and talk to him about it.
Thanks for listening,
Ally
Sara said,
June 10, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Ally, it seems many of have that “control freak” quality in us, and fearing opening ourselves, becoming vulnerable, to even our husbands, can be daunting. This thing will take lots of communication, being willing to make mistakes and forgive each other, and yes, discovering that submissive self, even if she is buried at present.
I know when we started, I could not say the word “spanking”. How the heck was I ever going to talk about it? I emailed Grant articles, posts, things on DD and spanking from all over. I learned pretty quickly to keep them to two or three a week, and to let him read at his pace. Patience is not a strong point of mine, and it was sooo hard to wait and not push. But he did always read, and emailed me back a couple of lines or thoughts…and so we began. It seems you are off to a good start. Perhaps, now that you are a couple days past the bad communication of the other night, you can talk about how that might go differently next time. Just keep talking! Sara
Sara said,
June 10, 2009 at 10:53 pm
More Questions From Readers:
Sara,
My husband and I have recently started practicing DD. I think we have come to some some reasonable understandings and things have been going well for both of us. My husband travels on occasion for work and I have noticed when he………….
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/10/05/a-dd-question/
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Dear Sara,
I am in my forty’s and my second marriage. My first marriage was ruined by me. I was a very bossy wife, I took control of everything in our life. I constantly nagged or criticized my husband, and I basically walked all over him. Eventually……………………
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/09/20/a-readers-dd-questions/
Sara said,
June 13, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Some Questions For Grant:
Grant,
It seems that this role really suits you, naturally.
It was a beautiful thing to read about a man like you…one I always wished my husband could/would have wanted to – have been.
I love how you do this FOR you both, and not as an ‘I can tell you what to do trip’.
My question after reading the blog is this………………..
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/questions-on-hoh-grant/
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Grant,
In your post you write, “Some of my soft-spined, wimpy male friends…..
….when I do meet men who are masculine, they abdicate the ‘responsible authority’ portion of their masculinity……. how do we resurrect this type of masculine male and his appreciation for responsible authority, consistency, leadership?
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/05/11/grants-thoughts-on-men-and-leadership/
Sara said,
June 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm
A Few More Questions on Submission:
Sara,
This question is for you and all of the other DD ladies who read/respond to your posts. What do you do when you want time to you, or does that not matter?……..
…..What can a DD wife ask for and get? ……..
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/a-question-on-dd-on-submission/
__________________________________________________________________
Sara,
I love your posts. They are well though-out and insightful.
One of the areas that I struggle with is finding a submissive voice. I am a professional and have always served in a management capacity. In previous relationships, (even before DD), I was frequently told by my partner, “I don’t work for you”.
My question to you then is, how do you or did you find your ’submissive voice’? …….
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/a-dd-question-on-submission-2/
Stelle said,
June 26, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Hello, I wonder if I may ask a question. I am a Christian female who is interested in the D/s lifestyle. I am having a really hard time reconciling this with my faith. To make matters more difficult I am married to an agnostic who finds this all pretty weird. This makes me feel even worse. Am I crazy for being drawn to this ? Are there alot of us “freaks” out there ?
Sara said,
July 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Hey Stelle, your question is answered here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/a-reader-asks-am-i-crazy-for-being-drawn-to-ds/
Michael said,
July 13, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Hello to both of you!
I am in a fairly young (2 yrs) relationship that has incorporated spanking literaly from day one. We have explored the ideas of D/s, and use them somewhat, but have decided that a full D/s relationship is not right for us until we are living together, which we don’t now (waiting to be married and all).
Well, we have been reading blogs and such for about a year now, and the time is drawing neigh, and we will be sharing a roof soon.
My question is this; You mentioned in one of your posts that the two of you do not use “submission exercises”. I understand your reasoning behind not using them, but do you have either some examples of submission exercises or perhaps a link? It would be much appreciated!
Best to both of you, your blogs are wonderful and inspiring.
Michael
Grant said,
July 19, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Michael, Thank you for the comment and a good question. I have answered here:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/a-question-on-submission-excercises/
The Best,
Grant
MichaellaS said,
July 21, 2009 at 6:18 pm
tks for the effort you put in here I appreciate it!
Pam said,
July 24, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Sara-
my husband found your site today and we have read through quite a bit of it. We both know we want a DD relationship but I am struggling so much. I, too, am a strong professional woman and we have a full life with 4 children, a 4 hour commute 5 days a week and a history of taking care of myself. I feel like i am losing part of myself. I am not comfortable with not knowing information about us or our family in the interest of knowing ‘he’s taking care of it.’ I feel that agreeing to a DD lifestyle doesn’t mean i give up my voice, my interest in our life or our partnership. i don’t know ….maybe i’m not making any sense but it seemed that you might understand a bit. I’m 45 and he’s 43…this isn’t our first marriage so we truly want to make it work….but there’s the balance of kids, work, emotions…how did you do it??
Hope this helps Pam! http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/a-dd-question-is-it-a-partnership/
gymlady said,
August 2, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Sara,
first, I would like to tell you that i think your website ist very interesting and written with a lot of good thinking and intelligence. please excuse my terrible english, I am a german woman, married for 23 years and mother of four kids!
here in germany the dd lifestyle is not very popular, just the bdsm scene is something a lot of (young) people share. the problem is, the most interest in bdsm is the outfit, the partys, the spectacular actions and pain. there is no scene, that i would describe as traditional marriage, what I think is what we are living!
My husband and I live in a dd relationship since 5 years now, it’s a new chance for our marriage, which was a little worn out by the time. now, my husband take much more charge for everything (especially for me!) and we live much more happy together.
there is still one problem , where I need some advice:
Our children. the big boys (22, 19 years) still left home for university in other cities.
But there are our twins (boy/girl almost 16) stil at home. my husband and I have a lot
of trouble with the different education style. in this case, I am at no way submissive.
Just that I think, I have to be strong leading my way, like I did all the years. It looks like my husband is some kind of jealous about me and the twins, especially the girl.
there are ugly fights between us and I always think, I have to protect the kids.
The best time we sped together, is when we are alone. There is a nice harmony
and a lot of understanding and love for me. In case, I do not behave as wanted, there are punishment spankings, which I really need.
But for the kids, it’s not the kind of lifestyle, I would like them to know. They would not understand, I suppose. I want my girl to be strong and give her all possibilities in life, she would not understand why woman like to submit!
Please, can you give me some advice, what to tell (or better not to tell) the twins, about the special realation between their father and me, and what to do in education.
May be I should give in and let him do, what he thinks is right with the twins, even against my (better) knowing?
I read some of your elderly posts and really find it so nice. you are a very lucky woman, living in such a loving family with your strong husband.
gymlady
gymlady,
I hope you have resolved some of this. I answered you here: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/a-dd-question-whos-in-charge-of-the-kids/
Sara
Joseph Walker said,
August 30, 2009 at 2:00 am
Hi Sara, I need advice!
I’m a rising senior in college, and I’ve been experiencing problems with my
longtime girlfriend. (She’s been a bit snide lately) We’ve attempted to resolve some of the issues, but things arn’t working… and we both don’t want our relationship to fall apart! (We both are going to; or were hoping to-wed after college!) After discovering DD online, I’m really tempted to incorporate DD into our relationship… But, I have many questions… First and foremost, how do I introduce it to her… “I want to start disciplining you” or “I think I should start spanking you- and no, I don’t mean the erotic type either” might not work. And, as I’m new to this whole scene, and I know this might sound kind of silly, but I don’t know how to spank my girlfriend… I’ve seen people talk about something called otk on other sites… but are there any logistics I should know about?
Thanks for your help!
Joseph
Here you go Joseph: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/a-question-on-spanking/
relative of spanked said,
August 31, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hi, Sara. Thanks so much for your blog. I’ve recently discovered that a relative of mine is involved in DD and reading your blog has made it much easier for me to respect and appreciate. I have to admit I was pretty horrified at first, but your strong relationship with Grant and your honesty in describing the ups and downs has really changed my mind. It’s not for me, but at least now I can accept and appreciate that it obviously works for some, and even admire your commitment to the process. I still have some concerns about my relative, because her husband isn’t nearly as nice a person as Grant is, but that is another matter.
I do have a question, though. I have no problem with erotic spanking (and didn’t, even before your blog), and no problem with stress-relief spanking– that makes sense to me. But I’m still unclear on the fairness of punishment for small things. If she makes a mistake, she gets punished. If her husband makes a mistake, she is supposed to just shrug it off– after all, he is “only human.” (so is she). Even if it’s the identical mistake– say, losing a cell phone, or forgetting to take care of something they had agreed one or the other of them would take care of. Can you talk a little bit about how you think about this?
I did skim through your questions section to see if this had already been covered, but couldn’t find it. Apologies in advance if it has.
I am really impressed that you took the time to ask!
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/when-the-family-finds-out-a-dd-question/
Hope this helps, Sara
FunKayLynn said,
September 3, 2009 at 8:19 am
Dear Sara,
Thanks for this opportunity. There is such support amongst this group of people. I receive it daily. Like Ally we are (at my request) integrating DD into our lives). The changes in me have been dramatic. This isn’t bragging. I was so entrenched in co dependency that I couldn’t let my husband have his natural role in our family. He is not one to change anyone’s course, he feels it is up to them. Finally arriving at a much humbler place (which was steeped additionally in insecurity and fear) he said, “What took you so long?” (wise grin on his face).
Enough background: He wants me to draw up everything (drum roll) even the punishments. I will do this for you because you believe it will help you (And believe me it does – even if spanking isn’t yet for discipline) I am here to execute your plan with precision.
Real question: How do I do that. I don’t know how I will react to anything of literally “consequence”. Some use a timer, some go implement with numbers, I’ve even heard of dice rolling. I shouldn’t get stuck on logistics. Obviously this will be a starting point. But I feel like I’m choking here after all this mental and emotional preparation. He is adament about not having this come from him. I know this may as M:e has pointed out regarding other issues, be “an awakening” and he could feel differently. But currently I feel honestly a bit scared about this – ironic because I knew I was headed toward this all along. I just need someone with experience to shove me down the slide. Thanks so much Sara. Also it was your site that I was so thrilled to come upon with all the links for DD. I wrote Greg a long letter cutting and pasting many of the linked articles. Your writing is breathtakingly honest. Thank you once again. KayLynn
Here you go KayLynn…good luck! http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/1029/
Lana said,
September 10, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Hi Sara, I have been married for 25 years and have just dicovered this type of lifestyle. My husband had never even pretended to spank me up until about 1 month ago. He mentioned that he would like to spank me and since I am always interested in spicing things up, I thought I would give it a try. I realized that having him being dominant was something that i really liked. I have always been outspoken and have gotten my way in most things. He is a very nice person and would rather keep the peace than have any confrontations with me. Because of this dynamic, we have always gotten along well and rarely have conflict amongst ourselves. As I was looking into this DD lifestyle, I thought it would be something that I would like to try to make our marriage more interesting. I talked my husband into trying it and he loves it. Unfortunately, I am having second thoughts. I got my first discipline spanking this week and I did not like it all. He used the paddle and it hurt. I broke 3 of our rules and ended up getting spanked 3 days in a row. By the third day, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I tried to talk him out of doing it and he feels we need to continue. I was shocked that he was so into it. He was also mad that I changed my mind and didn’t want to follow through with being punished. I do have a couple of bad habits ..charging unnecessary items and eating junk food. I also don’t always volunteer information about misbehavior. He spanked me with his hand first and gave me 15 swats with the paddle but it hurt so bad and I started to cry. My question is, Is it normal to have second thoughts about this? How long should we try it before we reevaluate? After reading your blog, I found that I could really relate to you and your husband. I have always been a leader in the work place and amongst my peers. My husband is a great person and has rarely even raised his voice towards me. We have 4 children and have a great family life. I have to continue DD for at least 2 more months. My husband loves it and finally feels that he has a say in how things go. He loves that I have rules and that he can enforce them. I am afraid, I will never be able to get out of this if I decide I don’t want to do it anymore.
Lana, We both gave you our thoughts:
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/25/a-question-on-committing-to-discipline/
We wish you the best,
Sara and Grant
Js_little_lady said,
September 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Sara,
I found your blog 7months ago and i check it every day. My husband and i are really just beginning dd, we agreed to the power dynamic when we were married 4 yrs. Ago but i struggle to follow so we’ve just added the spanking aspect at my request.Today i got myself into trouble but,I wasn’t entirely sure why i just got spanked i’m not denying i deserved it. I did defy him, but later he said it was over what we were discussing. How do we avoid this when we dont want a list of rules?
Sara said,
September 23, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Hi Js,
I am not entirely sure what you are asking. I do know that communication is essential. While you do not have to have a specific list of rules per se, I am not sure how you can develop this lifestyle without a clear understanding of his expectations. What I mean is that while you might not want rules such as having to lock the front door, the basics of honesty, respect, etc, are pretty common.
On the other hand, if he IS going to expect you to lock the door and will punish of you don’t, well it’s pretty clear that IS a rule. Why not say it up front?
As to being spanked without knowing why, well it would not happen here for two reasons. 1. Grant ALWAYS talks to me and explains why he is spanking. 2. Frankly, I would not submit to a punishment spanking if I did not understand why. We both believe that understanding is imperative. How can you accomplish anything at all if there is no communicating or mental processes attached to the disciple? Spanking has no magic effect in terms of changing behaviors or resolving conflict. Without the connection and understanding, it is just pain. What for?
That’s my take. Please clarify of you care to,
Sara
Lana said,
September 23, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Hi, I have another question for you. I know this sounds silly but I really do not know anyone who has this kind of relationship and I don’t know who else to ask. I feel like we really don’t know what we are doing sometimes. How many spankings would you think a punishment spanking would be? We started out with 30 with his hand and 15 with the paddle. From what I’ve read, this just doesn’t seem like it is much. Do we add more implements? Do we add more swats as time goes on? It seems like the paddle is the worst thing to use Maybe we shouldn’t have started with that. What about maintainance? Do you know what the general amount would be? I know that this whole thing should be up to each couple but since I have no idea what a normal amount would be, I would like some help with this. Thank You
Here are our thoughts Lana: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/questions-on-punishment/
NYFemmeGrrl said,
September 26, 2009 at 12:42 am
Hi Sara,
My boyfriend and I are both in our 40s and have been together 4 years. We are curious about how you and Grant started your DD relationship. Did you start with setting up rules? What kind of conversations did you have? Do you ever have doubt that Grant is holding himself up to the kind of standards you are held to? How did you get over your trust issues? What kind of work did Grant do to grow into the role of responsiblity?
Thanks! Liz
Liz, you sure made me think! It was fun to answer to answer though, and I hope it helps! Sara
http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/04/domestic-discipline-building-it-together/
NYFemmeGrrl said,
September 27, 2009 at 2:52 am
Hi again, Sara,
I did some more reading on your site and found some writing you did on why you began your DD relationship. I have a follow up question to something you wrote -
“The asking had to do with a realization on my part that me winning so often in our power battles left me disappointed in myself and also diminished my respect for my husband. It is in my makeup to feel that as capable and powerful as I am, I need to know my man is more powerful than I am. Now this is tricky, because I also did not want to lower myself to allow him to win! I’m not playing that game. I need to be more honest with myself than to make our marriage a game. On the other hand, when I took a close and brutally honest look, I realized that I was not always being fair to him, that many times he just gave up in frustration, just stepped away , that him stepping aside is not the same as me winning. I am not sure if I am being clear enough here, but the point is, no leader can lead a woman who is unwilling to be led. I had to be willing. I had to understand that this was on me to change me, to accept his dominance, and be willing to follow. ”
This is a very similar dynamic to the one I have with my boyfriend. How exactly did you both change this?
Thanks again,
Liz
I tried to explain things as I see them: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/the-submissive-partner%e2%80%99s-role-is-not-passive/
Sara
Dawna said,
September 29, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Hi Sara,
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your site. You don’t find to many LDS DD sites out here. I’m not currently in a DD relationship; however, I did bring it up to my husband who declined any part of it. So now, being that our marriage has been some what of a roommate relationship for years. I’m going to have to determine whether I want to continue tryng to persuade him into tryng this lifestyle or just let both go.
If you have any suggestions I would be delightly to here them.
Blessing, Dawna
Dear Dawna,
If you go to the links under Domestic Discipline on my side bar, you will find some excellent articles. As always, not everything will appeal to you, or even be anything remotely of interest. Don’t take anything verbatim but sift through and only try what you think will work for you! I would print one or two that speaks to you, and ask your husband to read them. Or maybe pick a post or two from my site and email them to him.
The real question is does he want more out of your marriage and is he willing to put more in to get that? Is he willing to try if you are? What does he have to lose?Define the immediate goal together. Is it intimacy? Emotional and/or physical? Would that be something he feels is worth a shot? If Grant and I can save our marriage I believe anyone can…IF they both want to. That is the big question.
You have not said why he declined. Is he unwilling to put in the effort or does he object to some part of what DD involves?
Have you read this by another LDS wife: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/domestic-discipline-what-would-jesus-do/ ?
I wish you the best, Sara
Linda said,
September 29, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Hi Sara and Grant.
Been lurking on your site, as well as others. You two just inspire me so much! I love your writing and your very easy to relate with, not to mention how realistic your marriage is. Not a “Perfect” that your trying to push your realist and that is what those like me need! Real life, not playing or hearing how perfect something is and how easy it is to be this way. I look forward to being here regularly for help and guidance if your up to it. I have been printing things for hubby to read, and we are researching and learning as much as we can, since we believe this is a great tool for a relationship that isn’t a bad relationship but not always a ‘plugged” in relationship. This is our second marriage for each of us, we have 6 kids between us. We have had kids since the day we married! Our youngest is not enlisting into the service as his brother. We are finding ourselves alone, and even though we have looked for this day, waited and anticipated this day……we are looking for a way to “plug” in together. I am a kinda sorta, maybe…hehehe ya ok, I’m a control freak (he says) and I am not a soft spoken wall flower, I asked for this, I truly see where i have pulled or shall i say fought to take the control/authority out of his hands and into mine many years ago. It’s not something I did intentional, it just ….happened. I guess it’s easier for him to give up then fight. So now many years later here we are. We get along, and he is my soul mate and I his, we love each other dearly. But need more from each other. I don’t want to be in control, I want the man I fell in love w/16yrs ago. He was strong, and carried himself with such confidence! He was breathtaking. ANYWAY!
In all the research we have not found anything on ….”lectures” those certain “talks” that verbal correction. As much as I am all for the complete TIH/DD relationship, the lectures, commands….those are what I think I need. That fact that he cares enough about me to be attentive to me in a way that takes his time to give me the “talk” or the demand to not or to do something just makes me melt. Am I crazy? I don’t know, but I do know, I need those for sure! Maybe Grant can help us out in this area? what types of things went through his mind in the beginning, when you started the DD lifestyle during the “talks” or the “lectures” or “commands”? R is struggling a bit as to WHY I would like this after all this time, I think he is starting to understand the need I have, but doesn’t understand alot of the dynamics to a DD relationship. I am printing things and we are talking all the time about it….just haven’t moved forward to the actual or “rules” “spanks” or any corrections etc. I’m….believe it or not, quite submissive in many ways, I enjoy doing things for him, keeping laundry, house, etc. He is service oriented, He likes to have things done for him, back rubs, or if i just pick him up something or do a special chore that he would normally do and I just did it to help out, those sort of things. I don’t mind as he also does lots for me. so to say…”hmmm tonight, lets assume the position”, I think he would struggle if there really is no reason. He mentioned just starting with “Maintenance” but thought…when?How? how often? why? I couldn’t answer those questions for him. SO, any insight on the Letures, or how to feel comfortable for him to do such would be great. Not to mention…..how do you know ….when to give first “move to the bedroom lets talk” ?
Any help is greatly appreciated
Linda
Here’s some thoughts on scolding Linda: http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/a-question-on-scolding-in-dd/
Good luck, Sara and Grant
Jennifer N said,
October 20, 2009 at 12:46 am
Sarah,
I am hoping you can help me. I read your blogs and feel the same way you do. I want my husband to rule our home. He has punished me, but never on a regular basis, it is usually just for foreplay I feel. How do I start the DD life? How do I find friends that are into DD and what is your maintenance schedule like?
I know this is the life style for me, I am just not sure what exactly the practices are and how to speak to Tom (my husband) about this! I do know he would be in agreement with me when I say I think this could help us so much.
Any help or suggestions you can give would be great. I love your openness and your obedient relationship. I wish I had girlfriends that you speak of and I really could use some guidelines to get the ball rolling.
Please advise anything you have to offer I will take to heart!
Thanks much!
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Go back to the top of this page and read the questions and answers on how to start DD, maintenance, etc. I think that will give you a good idea of how to move forward. DD takes a lot of communication and patience as well. It is something that we and our guys need time to grow into. Take anything that really speaks to you and print it or email it to him, but not too much at once! There are also some good links on the sidebar under Domestic Discipline. Then talk..try to put some of YOUR words on what you are feeling, what you need. And allow him time to process all this. If you have any specific questions, feel free to come back and ask!
Sara
Janet said,
October 24, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Sara,
On my blog yesterday you mentioned that you had a problem with emotional/stress eating as well. You recommended finding other things to help you deal with the emotions. Just wondering what you do for those times? Does Grant help you with it or is it something you deal with on your own. Any suggestions would help.
And thank you for this incredible blog, I have learned so much from you and Grant. I can’t wait until we are four years into this and are more comfortable and truly know what each other needs.
Shelling said,
November 11, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Sara,
I was wondering if there are any fiction and non fiction books you recommend that deal with DD? Are there any romance novels with DD?
Also, what blogs or websites do you feel are the most helpful? Besides yours of course!