Just a quick review of the major hormones and organs used in this discussion: The Cerebral Cortex, Thalamus, Hypothalamus, Pituitary, and Amygdala, as follows:

“Cerebral Cortex”: The “gray matter” that controls higher functions like reasoning and language abilities.

Let’s imagine for a moment, we are walking through the woods looking for some berries. We come to a large bush and hear a stick snap. Right away the adrenaline is circulating through our body. Our sense of hearing, seeing more alert. A bear steps out from the bush. Suddenly our hormones are active. Our heart races, our breathing increases, the blood rushes to our muscles to prepare for a fight or to run. However, our thinking logically becomes impaired, as well as our digestive system and our need for thirst, as these things are not required at the moment.

Perhaps we pick up a big stick. Now since our logical thinking is impaired, we do not even think for a second that we are no match for the bear. If we decide to run, we don’t even think for a minute that perhaps we cannot outrun a bear. These thoughts are not as important as the need to survive. The endorphins are rushing in and we won’t feel the pain if the bear does attack us, or it we trip and cut ourselves while running. The amygdala is active at this moment, recording the data and allowing us the anger we need to fight, or giving us the motivation we need to run.

This is the reason that people during a stressful situation don’t think, they react. It is a good thing sometimes, because if we could think, we may be prone to self-doubt, which could undermine our attempts to survival or the survival of others.

Now, it is the next day, and we find ourselves in the same place as before. When we see that same bush, our senses are automatically triggered by the amygdala. Perhaps we feel fear or we feel anger. Our reasoning ability and the emotions connected with that bush is beyond our logical mind. We will react automatically.

How about modern situations? We are walking down a street perhaps during our vacation in a town we have never been before. We are looking for a restaurant that we were told had excellent food. As we approach the restaurant, a man jumps out of the alley with a knife. The same thing will happen to us now as it did with our ancestors.

In addition, later when we see that street, or hear about the restaurant, we will have the same reaction and the emotion as our ancestors.

Now to change the situation. Back to our woman out picking berries. Suppose she hears a stick snap, her senses are more alert, adrenaline is rushing through her system. But instead of a bear coming out of the bush, perhaps it is her child, and he has a bucket full of berries. The amygdala records this event and attaches happiness to it. The next day if she should come across that same bush, automatically she feels happiness.

Same as today’s situations. Perhaps instead of a man with a knife, it is only an ordinary person also headed for some destination. Because she is in unfamiliar territory, her senses are more alert, but this time she reaches the restaurant, finds the food as tasty as her friends said it would. Now if she should return to that street, or remembers the restaurant, she will feel happy.

Okay, now bear with me.
Suppose our ancestor is out picking berries once again. Her senses heightened when she hear the stick snap. But now instead of a bear, or her son, she instead sees her husband, or a boyfriend, or a friendly handsome man. This memory will be recorded as sensual. If we take another step, and he should caress her, touch her, this will further induce the sensual feelings. Why?

Because touching also releases oxytocin in her.
What is oxytocin? Remember back at the picture? It is a hormone that is released by the pituitary gland. They hypothalamus produces it and controls the pituitary gland. When the hypothalamus is stimulated, like during stressful situations, it also produces oxytocin. The hypothalamus also controls our body temperature. Stimulate it during stressful situations, our palms become cold and sweaty. Our heart and breathing increase, our pupils dilate, our sex drive is revved up. Endorphins are circulating around. Then we are touched. This produces more oxytocin. Combined with the other hormones circulating around, or logical thinking impaired, we feel lust.

So now to continue on with the subject of DD. The two of you have decided to set up the rules and she must comply or else she is spanked. At first, she may actually forget follow some of the rules, or else there are so many rules, that she cannot comply with all of them. But it doesn’t matter, because she is getting spanked, something she wants.

Perhaps she is following all the rules. The husband sits back and enjoys the peace. But wait, remember all those hormones floating around in the beginning? They don’t exist now. There is no adrenaline, there is no touching. She interprets this as a lack, and since the man is the responsible one for giving her all these lustful hormones, he therefore is responsible for the lack of them. So she begins to misbehave a little. The husband doesn’t notice, or he feels it isn’t a big enough mistake to confront her. With the “little offense” she has her adrenaline up, her endorphins up, but….. it is short lived. Without the continuation of oxytocin to further heighten her sexual desire, the short-acting adrenaline stops, and she experiences “endomorphic letdown” . The withdrawal of endorphins causes irritability.

Pretty soon, she slips back into the memory from the amygdala. Remember some of those arguments you had, especially in the beginning of your relationship? In the beginning of relationships, the argument produced more adrenaline than they do in later years (provided this is a healthy, non-abusive relationship). After the argument, the couple made up, and perhaps had sex. So in essence, without her conscious thought, she experienced sexual gratification after an argument. Therefore, she will be more likely to return to that pattern.

Many vanilla couples do argue for arguments sake. It is this hormonal cycle that may attribute to this practice. However, it is often destructive. Not only does it cause stress in the household and eventually stress in the relationship, but also their bodies become adapted to those levels of adrenaline, and need more. Therefore the arguing can become more intense.

With the subject of spousal abuse. I am not trying to say that it is hormones that are truly responsible for the abusers actions, but understanding how these chemicals come into play does help explain the pattern.

First the tension building stage. The adrenaline rush. Rational thinking begins to dissolve. The explosive stage. Endorphins are raging throughout the system now. For the abuser, it could actually be a sort of high, sometimes blocking out memory. Then the honeymoon stage. It is not uncommon for there to be sex directly after the explosive stage. Adrenaline can cause the man to have an erection. Even prisoners walking to their final destination at their execution will have an erection. The problem is that as I mentioned earlier, adrenaline is short acting. The erection will quickly leave, orgasms are difficult without the vasopressin. Many men who are rapists and abusers have trouble with orgasms. In addition, the adrenaline is like a drug requiring them to need more and more in order to gain any sexual satisfaction. Add that to the learned behavior, which they got away with it before, and so will be able to do it again, and disaster is in the making.

So, what about the spanking? Does that mean that each time the woman is spanked she will need more and more, or will the husband need to increase his spanking in order for him to feel excited? No. Because of oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is a wonderful hormone. It causes uterine contractions during delivery. It causes uterine contractions during orgasms. It causes the breast milk to release. When a mother nurses her child, the oxytocin is circulating throughout her system, which gives her comfort, nurturing feelings. She touches her baby’s face, the baby’s hands, etc. This causes the oxytocin to be released in the infant. The amygdala records this in the unconscious state. The infant associates the comfort feeling, with the hunger satiety with the mother. During the promise of a spanking, the adrenaline floods the body, and the endorphins increase.

She experiences the butterflies, and her amygdala sends messages of sexual excitement. The husband takes her over his knee, or over something. The touch of his knee, the touch of the chair, the bed, heightens her senses even more. Usually before spanking her, he may gently touch her bottom, or touch the implement to her bottom, perhaps talking to her. Her touch senses are alive and energized. With every touch, or the cold air touching her bottom, her touch sense releases the oxytocin, the comfort, nurturing hormone; the orgasmic hormone. With every swat, her endorphins are there, giving her a high, her oxytocin is there giving her pleasure. The Adeline has done its job, now the other hormones do their job.

She isn’t dependent upon the adrenaline, therefore doesn’t need more and more spankings. For the male, the vasopressin will be released. It dilates blood vessels enabling him to ejaculate. He doesn’t need the adrenaline either. Some men may even become nervous about spanking their wife the first few times. They probably experience the adrenaline rush. However, that wonderful amygdala controls emotions records this new experience as a sexual pleasure. After a few times of this situation, his body becomes adapted to the situation, as adrenaline is no longer required, or he doesn’t produce as much as he used to in the beginning. It doesn’t matter. The vasopressin, which is responsible to his orgasm, is flowing throughout thanks to his amygdala. He won’t need to increase the severity of the spanking in order for him to become excited. Okay, now on to our stressful lives.

In modern society, however bears take a different form but they get the same response. Suppose you are at work when your boss comes and says to you, “Look, that report you did last week has a lot of errors in it. You need to correct it immediately before the staff meeting.” As your boss walks off down the hallway you may notice several things happening in your body. You may feel the “butterflies in the belly” sensation as your stomach tightens up. The pounding in your chest becomes noticeable, and you feel your muscles tighten. Your body is sending you an important message. Right at this moment your body is saying that the best course of action is for you to either punch out your supervisor on the spot or to just run screaming down the hall, out the door, and all the way home. Your body has prepared you for a fight or flight response.

However, these two responses are inappropriate. So you are stuck with all the hormones and the responses, and no outlet. Many of these situations may occur in a day. The same responses come with the bill collector at the door, the sudden noises that children make when they come running in the house, slamming the door.

As a consequence, we find ourselves irritable. The ups and downs of all these chemicals raging in our system. When we have no structure in our household and no consistency, the same uneasy feelings continue at home. We find ourselves feeling as insecure in our own home as the woman did while picking berries and hearing a twig snap. It is as though we are treading in unfamiliar territory each day.

Add this to a chaotic night of children demanding we run right out and buy those cookies for tomorrow because he failed to tell you ahead of time, or just as you sit down to dinner, your daughter informing you she has basketball practice in ten minutes, and you have to drop everything to get her there.

If our lives are more structured, some of this chaos can be prevented. If we know what is in store for us when we are home, we are more likely to relax and feel secure about our surroundings.

With consistency, we know what to expect, and we know what not to worry about. This does not stop the outside forces, and perhaps letting off some steam may mean doing some exercise to lessen the degree of stress. It won’t take away the stress in our lives, just give us the ability to cope with it more.

Okay, last but not least another point to consider. The relationship of DD is set and everything seems to be going fine. Then the husband approaches his wife, explaining to her that he doesn’t want to spank her for punishments, as he feels too much like he is treating her like a child and doesn’t want to think of her as a child.

Remember that amygdala? The memory of this is deep within his unconscious, perhaps he has too many negative feelings with spankings as a child. Since these are his only memories, this is the only emotional resource he has the ability of identifying with. However, this can change with time. With repeated experiences, he will lose that uncomfortable feeling and began to realize its necessity. This type of reconditioning has been proven with other types of situations.

For example, the rape victim may experience fear with her first sexual encounter with her spouse. Perhaps she feels frightened the moment he is on top of her, since that was the position her rapist used. With patience, compassion, and understanding, she can be reconditioned to feel good about the sexual position with her partner.

In addition, what about the woman who came from an abusive family, or an abusive ex-husband? Now from conditioning, she knows that violence comes in cycles. But with her current husband, there are no violent cycles. Unconsciously she doesn’t know it. Things are going fine. But she finds herself feeling anxious, sensing every little movement her spouse makes. Every mannerism, every tone of voice, his body language are being recorded. She doesn’t realize it, but the amygdala is responsible for raising this heightened awareness. It remembers and is preparing her for an upcoming violent event. It knows the cycle. Things are going too well. It reminds her to stay alert, as the violence may erupt at any time. She becomes more irritable, as her fight/flight hormones are in effect. Her new husband isn’t aware of it. How could he be, as she isn’t either. The stress may even cause her to start an argument, for in her memory, she may be abused, but at least she has some control of the situation. He may even come home a little tired, and that subtle change in his personality puts her in attack mode. He is surprised by her sudden irrational behavior, her anger. Perhaps they actually have an argument, as he finds himself confused and defending himself. But he is not an abuser. Maybe he storms out of the house. The amygdala also reminds her that after an argument, there is the honeymoon stage. She calms down and returns to her happy state. He comes back still irritated, but quiet. He is confused again when he finds her happy and content.

With time, patience, compassion, and understanding, these feelings will slowly fade, and the amygdala will be reconditioned about her past abuse. Usually, these behaviors have to come forward to the conscious mind in order to make changes quicker, but in time they will change.

Okay, suppose you are married to a wonderful wife. You come home and she is suddenly nasty and irritable. She doesn’t have a history of abuse, but there is something else going on. It is called PMS, or perhaps it is menopause.

During these situations, there is a sudden fall of hormones. One of them is also endorphins. Not only is she suffering from a lack of sexual hormone, she is also going through withdrawal of her endorphins. She is not only irritable, but in trying to spank her, suddenly she is more sensitive to pain. One way to help her is to start out with a slow, methodical type spanking, and then build it up. This will help produce more endorphins, which will help rid of her irritability. Many women speak of needing therapeutic spankings during these times. Instinctively they know that it works.

With menopause, the hormones come and go. Making the withdrawal over and over again. It is similar to PMS, except that there is no cycle, no logic to the hormones. One day the body may produce enough, the next day too much, the next day none. With all this bombarding of chemicals, and lack of them, it is no wonder she has such a hard time.

During PMS and menopause, cuddling is another important part to helping her. Remember that oxytocin? That production is stimulated through touching. A nice gentle caressing of the bottom, a light spanking that builds to a wonderful glow, then the cuddling will produce the endorphins and the nurturing comfort feelings she needs.

Our relationships are more complex than just a discussion of hormones, but knowing how they play with our emotions, how they circulate in our bodies, does give us a better understanding of ourselves and our loved ones.

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This piece was written by a gentleman who calls himself  ”Digits” and has been around for quite a while, but I find many have not read it. You can find the site here. It’s great information and from personal experience I can tell you what he says is true and it works. We use spanking to help with PMS and recently with some pretty intense peri-menopausal symptoms. I’ve not been feeling well, not writing, not reading blogs, but I think I’m starting to do better and thought I’d post about why and how. This is part one….of the whys and the hows.

“The term checkmate is an alteration of the Persian phrase “Shāh Māt” which means, literally, “the King is helpless” (or “ambushed”, “defeated”, or “stumped”, but not “dead”).”

Chess is a game that begins with two armies with two kings. It is a battle for supremacy. And after all, everyone knows that there can only be one ruling king on each board, or chaos ensues. In my case it might be more appropriate to say “The queen is stumped”.

I certainly don’t want to infer that TTWD is a game, for it is not ever that. However, my husband is supremely skilled in strategies…chess, poker…and  he certainly has become skilled at TTWD. Grant is a fan of the motto “Work smart not hard”. This does not mean he doesn’t work hard, because he does, very hard, but he’s a thinker. He works his brain to achieve his goals, and his goals are very clear to him.

One example of this is his attitude towards punishment. There are two implements he likes and will use. When I ask why he likes THAT paddle so much, he responds with, “It has maximum effect with minimum effort.”  He’s not wasting time or energy on something he doesn’t enjoy and he doesn’t intend for me to enjoy.  

He also doesn’t and won’t spend much time playing games with the rules we have. If he tells me to do something he expects it to be done, and pretty early on he figured out that if he held the responsibility of checking up on me then it only complicated things. I have long been required to self-report. There’s no sneaking around and hoping it will go unnoticed. That means if I do something I am not supposed to do, he expects me to come tell him. If I didn’t do something I was supposed to do, he expects to hear about it. If I am pondering whether or not something is alright, he wants to be asked. If I know what to do, when and where, he really doesn’t want to hear about it!

So what’s this about? I let my exercise routine slip. It was not intentional and also not unnoticed by him…so semi-approved? Not really, but we both knew. And there’s been no ‘rule’ in place about exercise for a pretty long time because I was just doing it routinely. Over the holidays and with work being so intense these last few weeks, slowly I slipped into old habits or out of newer ones, and somehow in the last week there was less and less, and then there was none.

Friday afternoon he texted me at work: “6:30 dinner reservations. BYOB. I’ll bring wine” Well that was nice! I had no idea where we were going or whether there would be after dinner activities (a maintenance spanking?) but I came home in time to slip out of work clothes and into nice jeans for a date with my favorite guy. We had a lovely dinner, catching up on the week, and each other, and then he did indeed head home and told me to get ready for my spanking. There were some specific ‘submission’ instructions and play mixed in, with a moderate spanking after, and then we spooned in bed. And that’s when it happened.

“Did you exercise today?”

“No.”

“Yesterday?”

“No.”

He pulled me into him, and softly said, “When was the last time you exercised?”

“I honestly don’t remember…last weekend?”

“OK, we’ve let this slide, and you know how important this is.”

“I do know, and I was on top of it for so long…but somehow, with work… and this week I was not feeling well…”

“I know you weren’t. But it’s time to get back to it. Right?”

“Yeah, it is…but honestly… (‘Hush-up Sara!’ I warn myself in my head)….I feel no motivation.”

“How often were you exercising before the holidays?”

“Five days a week, some days twice when I could manage.”

And with no hesitation, Grant has my problem solved:

“This is what you’re going to do. You’re starting back tomorrow. You’re going to exercise five days a week…. And you’re going to come tell me each day that you have.”

“Uh, ok.”

“If you miss telling me for two days in a row, you’re going to get punished, whether you’ve exercised or not.”

Silence…..

………………………………..

Checkmate!

One of the things this lifestyle has forced me to learn is humility. My ability to swallow my pride and do what it takes still ebbs and flows. I guess that is true of most of the bigger things we stretch to grow towards in our lives. And it can be the smallest things that are the hardest, the little day-to-day things, the in-the-moment acts of submission that require me to show my throat.

There’s part of me, still, that likes to pretend I am in charge…of me… at very least. And of course I am in charge of me! I can and do decide every moment of every day how I will conduct myself, whether I will honor and obey. And he decides how he will respond to my decisions. There are consequences set up within our marriage that have been pre-determined, discussed and agreed upon, for doing or not doing certain things, whereas in most marriages the consequences just occur as they do…unchecked and often recognized. There are always consequences in the world. That is the way of things and that awareness helps me to accept the harder parts of this dynamic….TTWD.

Bringing myself to Grant to say, out loud, “I have exercised today.” is hard! Why is it hard? Because it requires humility. It is such a small thing that requires such a huge acknowledgement. It’s saying, “You are in charge.”

Five days a week I am going to have to go to him and say that.

Today many prominent US-run websites including Wikipedia and Reddit have blacked-out access to their sites in protest of two laws being decided in the US Congress very soon…the Stop Online Piracy Act and the Protect-IP act.

While proponents say these acts strive to stop online piracy and protect copyright laws, they ALSO give the US Government the power to restrict how US citizens see and use the internet. And as you know, where the government has power, major corporations will also have power.

DO NOT let the government and big business lobbyists control the flow of information in this country!

Here is a list of reps for your area and their contact information provided by Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:CongressLookup?   We have both emailed ours.

Here is a petition you can sign hosted by Google: https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/   We signed.

If you want to keep your favorite sources of information and blogs open to the public without censor, we suggest you email and sign too!

Please help us send a message to congress that the American people want a free and open internet where innovation or unique perspectives cannot be stifled by the government and mega corporations!

Thanks Sara and Grant

As regular readers will know, we began Dd after 20 years of marriage and were trying to put a failed marriage back together. We needed a fresh start, a clean outlook, and a new way of doing things. We agreed to begin a power exchange dynamic. We had no idea what that would end up looking like, but we began with the idea that we would both have a voice, be equal partners, and when we could not agree, he would make the final call. I think we started with one rule. Dd was my idea to start, but the rule was Grant’s rule that he asked me to agree to if he was going to buy in.  He said we would talk about everything else, but this one rule was non-negotiable. “Anything regarding safety, or the health and welfare of you or our marriage is mine to decide.” He said he needed my full agreement and cooperation on this one thing or it could not work. It was one rule. I agreed.

Sheesh, who knew that he had me coming and going? Not me! And in truth, not him either. That took us a year or so to figure out. What does NOT fall under that one rule? (Ok, so how I wear my hair is mine to decide…but then he has clear opinions on things that matter to him and I do want to please him, so…) When you really begin to incorporate Dominance and submission as a living dynamic in your marriage, when you stop looking for loopholes and thinking “what if” and stop playing the game of “catch me if you can”, when you get really honest with yourself and then with him, when you realize for real that you are in the same boat, same home, same life, with your spouse, that his joy and pain is yours and yours his, you come to understand that there is nothing that does not fall under that one rule. You are intertwined and will be. Consequences for each and every thing you do exist in your lives. The question is how many you recognize and how many you choose to actively control. Active submission takes tremendous control, by the way. Self control.

For us Domestic discipline was always a means to an end. Rules were there to support, consequences to enforce, and he expected us both to use our heads and give it (give us) our best. I did too. When we began we used the term “consequences” rather than “punishment” and “cooperation” rather than “obedience”. It’s ironic to realize that several years down the road we were both comfortable with and do use the terms “obedience” and “punishment”, but now I think we’ve come back around to realizing that “consequences” and “cooperation” more accurately describe what we do and how we choose to live our D/s or Dd dynamic.

This morning on “What Does It Mean To Be Dominant” by Sir J, I read a post called Day In and Day Out   

He says:  So day in and day out she stays on her best behavior out of respect and day in and day out I stay on mine to keep her trust. …….

…..Can I punish her… of course I can… but why would I need to???

And that describes what we do, how we live too. Everything around that, Dd, spanking, punishment, was intended and does work to keep us in a place of respect and trust.

And finally…that is where submission exercises came in. I won’t go back into Dd Boot Camp, but it was not anything that was going to take us in the direction we wanted to go…to a day in/day out peaceful life filled with respect and trust.

Grant never needed to work much on his dominance. He was always dominant. But he had to work hard on learning me better, and some on understanding that controlling and leading were not the same thing, that making the decisions and making the best ones aren’t synonymous. He ultimately has become softer while staying firm in his core. He’s more openly loving while standing strong. He cares for me, coddles me, protects me and yes, he guides me. It’s not often that he needs to correct me anymore.

I was not a natural submissive, or maybe just had not yet found that place inside myself where I am submissive. I do love feeling that soft and vulnerable side of me, being the yin to his yang, but it took learning to open myself, become vulnerable, and it took accepting, deep down inside, that in our home, our lives together, he is the authority. That’s really how we live, day to day.

Way back when, after he shot down “boot Camp” I asked Grant if we could figure out a way to help me get more in touch with that part of myself that was there after most reassurance spankings (maintenance, which we do 2x a week), the softer side of me that was emerging. I sincerely wanted to be better, do better at TTWD, and I didn’t want punishment to be the driving force. Grant did not want to make a series of complex rules and he did not want to micro-manage me. And frankly, I am a highly competent woman, he’s very busy, and neither of us have the time to spend on that kind of thing. And there is this too: I did not like being punished. I like knowing he will, but I hate the receiving of it. Grant did/does not like punishing me either, although he got enough practice so that he is quite capable.  We did not want our version of Dd to be primarily about crime and punishment.

We talked and the first thing Grant came up with was an assignment. Now this may seem like no big deal to most of you, as many of you live with daily assignments, but I am a super busy professional woman, so to be told to organize a small area of our home within a specific time frame was a challenge. It was mostly a challenge to wrap my head around the fact that I had an assignment!  Then we addressed doing it not only in time, but not last-minute, and doing it well. He wanted it done with care. That went on for a while, varied assignments and then Grant, out of the blue, asked me one day, “Would you make me a cup of coffee?” when we were sitting together in the living room with company. I know…no big deal either, and I did it almost without thinking, although it seemed odd at the time. You see he rarely asks me to get up and do something for him. It was out of character. He is more likely to get up and ask if he can bring me coffee. Later he told me that was a little submission exercise…and he would be asking small things without notice more often. He still does this. 

Maintenance or reassurance spankings are always an exercise in submission. I am expected to not get sassy, take them well, to surrender. That requires focus each and every time, and I am more or less successful depending on my mood, the moon and our/my issues at any given time. Grant at some point started asking (telling) me to go prepare myself in a specific way for a maintenance spanking, dress or lack thereof, position, a non–specific wait time. Sometimes he does that for punishment too.

Grant gives orders. If we argue and I begin to leave the room, he might tell me to stop “Stop. You are not to leave this room.” I learned to stop. “I want you to end this discussion now.” “Please get in the car and wait for me.” “Don’t lift that.” “You are not to do those dishes. I will do them later.” And he means it!

I could go on and on, but here’s the real point; my life is a series of submission exercises. I exercise that muscle pretty much every day, and Grant helps me to do that. Sometimes to my frustration, and sometimes to my delight, and sometimes it just…is how we live. .Sometimes there is a more intense workout. Periodically Grant sets a night aside for bedroom ‘play’ that will have a heavy D/s component. We might have gone for a nice romantic dinner at a fine restaurant, have had a drink, be relaxed, and on the way home he will take my hand and tell me to be in the bedroom, ready, at 9 PM. And…anything can happen there. It might be spanking, it might be typical but delightful adult activities, and it might be that he does things that will push my boundaries and that please him. Sometimes they please me too. Sometimes I truly struggle to stay calm and open and to submit. He never hurts me, but he does push me. The details of that don’t matter. Use your imagination and do whatever comes to your mind (his mind) as something that would push your boundaries and take you to a submissive place.

Grant asked, not told me, but asked me if I would make our bed every day. (I’m not a slob but not an amazing housekeeper. I’m busy, OK? And not home a lot.) I have made our bed every day (that I am still home when he gets out of it) for the past 5 years…every day. It’s such a small thing, so simple. Is that really a submission exercise? I would say it is…for me. I do it with the intent to please my husband. I do it because he asked, because I know it makes him (and me) feel like I am attending to his needs and wants. I do it and each time I think “This is for him”. It is a small act that reminds me of my submission.

I believe one time when we began these exercises; I was punished because I did not meet a deadline for an assignment. Ok, maybe two? There was no reason except that I did not prioritize. I was testing and he knew it, and he spanked me. As a generality, punishment is not part of our submission practice. And why should it be? Why should I need to be punished to submit to my husband? Could he punish me…of course he could…but why would he need to?

Submission and dominance are states of mind more than anything else. We do specific things to remind us of our roles and to practice them. He does things to exercise our D/s, but our goal has been to learn how to relate day-to-day in a way that is harmonious. Grant does not dominate to dominate…he dominates because he is a dominant man, and because his commitment to consistently dominate helps our marriage run smoothly. I don’t submit because it’s anything other than the best way to make our marriage work well and be satisfying to us both.  We use various exercises to practice on a daily and weekly and monthly basis so we can keep ourselves in shape. I don’t fail at these or require punishment because I’d be embarrassed to, because he deserves better, because disappointing him would be worse than any punishment he might deliver. And, he sets it up so that there is little possibility of failure if I give it my best. I have surely made mistakes and disappointed Grant, but I would never disappoint the love of my life with intent.

Submission is about intent. It is a mind-set. You do whatever you need to do to create an environment where you are reminded on a daily basis to keep your submissive self to the fore when it comes to your relationship. If your focus is respect and trust, you slowly, day by day, week by week work to build that. What we learned is that it can’t come over night and won’t come in a week or in a year. I know…I wanted it NOW too. But respect and trust are built from the inside out. We still work on ourselves every day.

You also might want to read a post Grant wrote in 2009: A Question On Submission Exercises.

Military Boot Camp:

• is essential for the esprit de corps and cohesion for battlefield conditions
• gets the recruits used to instinctive obedience and following the orders
• enables large units to be marched and moved in an orderly manner
• creates the basis for action in the battlefield.

Aspects of basic training are psychological. The reasoning is that if a recruit cannot be relied upon to obey orders and follow instructions in routine matters it is unlikely that he or she will be reliable in a combat situation where there may be a strong urge to disobey orders or flee.  

The military knows that an officer is not made in a weekend, a week, or even a year, and to make a good soldier…well the basic training part of boot camp for new recruits is 10 weeks, fulltime, 7 days a week for just part one.

In Dd, when someone talks about boot camp they are usually talking about a weekend, a week, maybe a month, but then that would be when they are together, and when real life permits….working around jobs and kids, which leaves a few hours a day at most. Boot camp in the Dd world usually involves numerous spankings a day, with varied intensity from light to harsh and “just because”. There are rigorous punishments for a whole host of stepped up infractions…not the ones a couple will or could live with long-term. The supposed aim is to learn to give and take discipline…most often spankings, and to actually become more submissive and dominant. So…is the true goal of using Dd in your marriage to use discipline ‘just because’? Which wife wants to take a spanking when she knows she and he agree she has not earned it? Which husband wants to harshly spank his wife when she has not earned it? That would be only be a husband and wife who are dipping into sadomasochistic play.

How about looking at some other typical rules and activities:

1.      On Sunday when the kids are gone you will be naked and address me as “Sir”.

2.      You will be spanked multiple times each day, and will submit immediately.

3.      After each spanking you will kneel in the corner on a ridged mat (or dry rice) for 10 minutes.

4.      You will ask permission if you want to use the bathroom. I may say yes or no.

5.      You will not touch yourself without permission.

6.      You will not orgasm without permission.

These are just examples, things I have seen women write about on forums and in blogs. Here’s what people on Dd blogs and forums rarely will admit…What this really is, is BDSM:

BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

I am not going to delve into the age-old argument of whether Dd is really a subculture of BDSM. It doesn’t matter to me for us, nor for the point I am making here. But I have no doubt that the games that couples play when they do a Dd Boot Camp are games, and that it is indeed a “fantasy role play experience”. Dd Boot Camp is a form of play, play that is grounded in BDSM.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is not one thing wrong with a couple playing sexual games, playing with pain, or playing with their power exchange. Absolutely nothing! Adult married couples need to and should play with whatever they can have fun with, whatever turns them on. But can we be honest and say it is sexual play? Can we not pretend it is something done with the intent of re-organizing a marriage? Can we not pretend it will result in helping to develop a long-term improved relationship dynamic? It just won’t.

What we have found in the field of psychology, after many years of research, is that intense immersion in short-term behavioral programs does not offer long-term gain. With a one or two week or even a 30 day behavioral program, there is an immediate gain seen, and then over a week or two or four, the benefits slowly diminish and the participant regresses back to where they started. The only exception to that is where the participant is supported by regular and ongoing behavioral intervention and treatment. As soon as THAT stops, the behaviors most often return. Why? Because the behaviors are approached from the outside in, rather than the inside out, and no significant internal changes took place. If you are looking for significant and long-term improvements in the quality of your marriage and your life, then you need to look inwards. Changing a behavior in a non-sustainable environment will not be sustainable. Changing a behavior from the outside will not automatically trigger internal changes.

I understand that way back some person within the world of Dd, one who was not extremely advanced in their understanding of the complexity of the mind, the needs of the heart, and I would guess not long-term successfully married either…thought boot camp might be a neat idea: “Let’s immerse a woman in the rigors of training to follow orders, to accept discipline and kick-start Dd! Let’s immerse a man in the aspects of his role, so he feels at home giving orders, setting rules, and administering discipline!” I have always cautioned my readers to look carefully at who they take advice from. Who are these people behind the screen? How long have they been married? How long have they practiced Dd? How old are they? What does their real life marriage look like? Do you want what they have? If you don’t know, aren’t sure, think for yourself! If the answers to how long someone has been married are in single digits, and how long they have practiced Dd is under 5 years, they would not be anyone I would think to take advice from. I have high standards for myself and thus have high standards for my advisors. My first Dd mentor was a woman who had been married for over 20 years and practicing Dd for near 5 years at that time. I knew she had enough wisdom and experience to counsel me. My marriage is just too precious to allow myself to be guided by people who have more ideas than experience. And even then, I’d hear what she said, and then we’d make sure it was a good fit for us. Anyone who tells you “This is how to do Dd!” is not someone you should be listening to. Dd is a broad concept that involves incorporating  a power-exchange into a marriage for the purpose of enhancing a relationship. Exactly what that will mean for you in your marriage must be determined by you.

Way back, somewhere in year one of Dd I brought the idea of boot camp to Grant. Some of the Dd gals were doing it. I had read about it and wanted to give us every advantage we could get. Kick starting, or fast forwarding Dd sounded good! He threw back his head and laughed at me!

“First”, he said, “If I were going to spank you for every single tiny thing you did, I would have to spend my entire day spanking you and you’d never be able to sit down!”

Frankly, I was a bit insulted. “I’m, not that bad!”

“No, you are not bad at all. But you’re feisty and sassy and don’t much like to be told what to do.”

 “Ok, I guess that’s mostly true. But I am really trying!”

“Yes, you’re trying and you’re growing, as am I. Here’s the thing, I don’t want Dd to be about changing who you are, and I don’t want to become mostly a disciplinarian in our marriage either. I want us to grow together, to change from the inside out. That’s going to take some time and some patience. Really, I don’t want your obedience as much as your co-operation. I don’t want you to do or not do things just because of spankings, and frankly, I don’t want to have to punish you all the time to keep you in line. I want Dd in our marriage to be something that we mutually grow, together, that’s real in our lives. That boot camp thing is a game…a fantasy.”

Grant had never read about Dd Boot Camp, but instinctively he knew it was not where he wanted to direct our marriage to go. It was his call, of course, so I let it go, with some small secret disappointment. Now, 6 years later, I understand what he meant, and I realize how right he was, too.

That began a discussion about incorporating submission exercises into our marriage and we did and still do that. I know I have had many questions on that topic and I will post about that tomorrow.

We don’t do ‘boot camp’, never have, never will. That’s because we don’t believe boot camp has much to do with Domestic discipline nor will it bring us closer to the goals we have for our marriage. My husband is not much interested in having a wife who jumps when he says jump, nor does he wish to assert authority for it’s own sake. He also did not want punishment to be a big part of our dynamic. Grant was not “a spanko”. He wanted the need for punishment to diminish. He must have gotten that part right, because now, 6 and a half years into Dd, punishments are few and far between. He wanted a peaceful and harmonious marriage, and so everything he did was well thought out to aim us towards that goal. That’s an individual decision each couple has to make. What do you want your marriage to look like 5 years down the road? What will your Dd look like? That’s your choice. Do we play in our bedroom? We do. But that’s private, and not part of Domestic discipline and not what I talk about on this blog.

I am going to dress up and look important today. I am going to go into meetings with people who need to be told what to do. I am going to reprimand a high level manager today, try to help her to take responsibility for her mismanagement, and then encourage her to see how she can do better, and also impart my faith in her that she can if she decides to.

Yesterday I had many meetings, weighed many issues, made many decisions, told many people what to do. I also reprimanded one person and authorized another to be fired.

The day before that, at the end of a very long work day, I knocked on the door of a young woman who’s supervisor made her cry. She had challenged authority in front of another co-worker, and she was wrong, and needed correction. She received the correction but perhaps not the after-care, and I stepped in to take care of that. But you see, I have learned that people at work are very worried when I knock on their door and say “Can we talk?” So as I walked into her office and shut the door I said “Do you have a few minutes? You are not in trouble!”

I am the CEO of a business that employs and manages many hundreds of people. I supervise people who supervise people who supervise people. So, because I have CEO stamped on my forehead, and because I have the authority that comes with that job (Yes, I do wear a nice tiara), people sometimes worry when they are around me. They are on their best behavior, and they sure get scared when I knock on their door for a private talk,

I’m a really nice person, and I am good at what I do, which means I am kind to the people I  am responsible to direct. Honestly I am. It’s just me; Sara, submissive wife, mother, friend, blogger…

But life is not that simple is it? We all have to don our capes and play our roles and do our best to be who we need to be. Right now I need to be strong, tough, a leader among leaders.

My dear friend, my right hand man, and a mentor of sorts, had a heart attack. We had lunch yesterday for the 1^st time since it happened. He was just well enough for that. I am not sure he will be back in any real capacity, certainly not a full-time one. I am sad and a bit lonely. In fact, it brings tears, just writing that. But I can’t go into he office and cry, so I do that in the mornings at home, then I put that away and go to work.  And I drag myself home to my husband at night, with not much to give, and not even much to say.

He’s been a trooper, Grant has. He is always my rock, and this time is no exception. Needless to say, I am weary. I miss having the time or energy to participate much in being my other self with him. I’ve not had much time or energy for letting down my guard or my walls and being that other me. He had intended to spank me on Wednesday night, but I worked too late, stayed longer for a drink and a talk with a manager, arrived home beyond fatigued. We got into PJ’s and went to bed. We were scheduled for a spanking last night, and I came home early, tired, achy, just not feeling well. He sent me to bed.

We have a three-day weekend coming and I am sure we will catch up. I know we need to. But, I am ever so grateful for the man I have who has what it takes to stand beside and sometimes behind a woman like me. He’s a man who’s not intimidated by me, not my cape, and not my nice tiara. He’s not afraid of any part of me, and he’s able to assess what I really need, and committed to give me whatever that is. He steps up and takes care of me, in whatever circumstance I find myself.  He’s man enough to let me be me, to cheer me on, to wrap me in his arms and his authority, when I return home to him at the end of each day. Just as I have learned to be a woman who leads and follows, he has learned to be a man who leads and supports.

I am truly not  sure if I could go back out there and do what I need to today, even with my cape and my nice tiara, if it weren’t for that man.

I’m reading through all your posts in order but I can’t wait to find out the answer to one question I have. If you want, rather than answer me personally, maybe you can suggest some posts (I’m still in last 2007!) which address the issue. My question is this: you say you have (had at the time) children of around 21. I can’t imagine you could keep much from them that makes as much noise as spanking. Did they know about it? How did you deal with that? If they did/do know, how did you breach the subject and what do they think about it? Please let me know if there are posts that answer my questions. Our problem is that we’re having trouble finding the time for the punishment/maintenance because of the constant presence of children… Any help is welcome. Thx. K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Kurt,

The quick answer is you get creative. No, we have not ever told our children about what goes on in the privacy of our bedroom, and we don’t intend to. The do know that we shifted our relationship dynamics so that Dad was voted HoH, in a joint election. The discipline part of our dynamic is between us, private, and not something we would want our children to know, even at the ages of 19 to 25, for a whole host of reasons.

Our bedroom is set on the 1st floor, while the others are not, so that helps. We live in an older home with think walls. Our kids are in and out a lot, so we can often grab an hour alone…on the other hand, they do tend to come home unannounced!

Much of Domestic discipline is about setting boundaries and organizing your relationship(s) . We began setting better boundaries when we began Dd. We established our bedroom as a private space that was not to be used or entered by our children without permission. They just don’t come to the door unless they specifically need one of us. We made it clear that we had a private relationship that did not include them, which meant we went out alone more, and we went into the bedroom alone more…and we did not expect to be disturbed. [The have voiced being really happy to see that their parents are so connected and in love, btw, They think we’re “cute” …being so old and all and still holding hands! ] We adore our kids and consciously make lots of family time, but we realize that we are the keystone to the whole shebang, and thus work to keep ourselves strong and united, and that takes ‘us’ time.

Some couples lock their bedroom door, and use their master bathroom with the shower running or have a larger walk-in closet. I know one couple who uses the laundry room with the appliances running in their basement, and another that gets up at 4 am. Some have kids that all leave for school and so they stay home an extra hour or so in the morning, and another where the husband can come home on his lunch hour. I’ve heard of couples who take a late night drive in a larger car on a deserted road (surely not my 1^st choice) My husband has even, in desperation, taken me to a hotel! You can read about “The $100 Spanking”

We also have some implements that are quieter than others. Anything large is going to make a larger noise. A wood spoon is not very loud. Thinner ‘whippier’ things (certainly not my preference!) will make less noise. We have a drum ‘brush”, some use a dowel rod, which is like a small cane. There is even an implement called a “Loopy Johnny” which I have been privileged to never experience, but I hear they are awful, close to silent in the application…the noise of the spankee is another issue entirely!

The bottom line is this, incorporating Dd into your marriage is going to take a good bit of work, some commitment, self-discipline, and some ongoing prioritizing of the many important things that pull at all of us each day. You make your choices and live with the outcomes. With kids in the house you will have to get creative, and you’ll have to accept that it’s not going to work every time.

Just this week we were alone in the house, implements laid out on the bed, pillows set up, and our son and his friend came home, within 15 minutes our other son who no longer lives with us stopped by. All three sat in our kitchen which is too close to our bedroom, eventually ordered pizzas, and talked and laughed for over 2 hours! I fell asleep…waiting. It’s not the 1^st time and surely will not be the last. We do the best we can, and we keep spanking.

I hope this has helped, and good luck!

Sara

Would someone please remind me to never ever again say the words: “It’s been forever since I’ve been punished.” like I did just last night? Every darn time those words leave my lips, I end up OTK within 24 hours…like clock work. Seriously…is there a spanko angel, a bad one, watching over me?

Darn it! I almost got away with it, too.

Then again, maybe my problem is chatting with a certain newer friend who in her innocence, and to better understand how we do TTWD, emailed a question: “I’m just curious how do you feel about it and how you think Grant would feel if he knew?”

SHEESH!

Grant was not home so I was in bed with my I Phone. I answered her email and explained it all to her satisfaction. I explained how it was ok because it was just this one time, because I realized and fixed the problem, because I will now never do it again, and I went to sleep. If you ever need a good defense lawyer, call me!

Was my conscience buying my hype? Apparently not.  

 I woke up at 6:45 am this morning out of a bad dream. I was in a shoe store dressing room and someone, a youngish teenager, had left her boots there. They were half a size larger than I wear, but I figured they’d fit and I took them! I stuffed them in my large shoulder bag, slipped on my own heels, and left the store. I walked down the road looking for Grant and my kids. Suddenly I was horrified that I had stolen something.  I asked myself, while I looked for him, “Why would you ever need to steal anything? And a pair of boots? What is wrong with you?” …and “Now what do you do?”

I awoke from my dream to find Grant awake in bed beside me. We snuggled and he told me what a great evening out he had and how wonderful he was feeling and how much he loved and appreciated me, and then he asked how I was. I told him I had a bad dream. “About what?” I ruminated at the speed of light: Do I, don’t I. It’s fixed. It was wrong! It doesn’t matter. It’s deception….and then very fast before I could slip further to the dark side, I told him. Sigh…

We talked about it a little. He asked, “You did the very same thing I told you would mean a punishment?” “Um, yeah, that one.”

I got a hug and was promised “a few whacks today”. He told me he was sorry to have to “ruin my day” but….

I said “But you just said you’re feeling so wonderful!?”

“And I am! What does that have to do with anything?”

And it was a small thing too, truly no big deal. Except it is, when you do something you are not allowed to do.

Darn it. Jiminy! Hush the h#** up!

* Cartoon by Dave Wolfe who does WolfieToons

Does this women look like she’s sore when she sits? No she does not. She looks like she’s a boss, like she has a corner office on a top floor with a great view. She looks pleasant, and she looks like she’s in charge of many things. There is no way her husband spanks her!

How about this  woman? When she needs to, she tells people what to do with true authority. Her husband does not spank her either!

Neither of these women are texted with the reminder to be home at 3:00 Pm for a spanking appointment …and they never go to work the next day realizing that when they sit in their big chair at their big desk, looking ever so important, they’ll likely be shifting in their seat just a little.

Would someone please inform Grant that it’s just not done?

peace and love.

May 2012 be your best year yet!

Sara and Grant