I haven’t had it… yet. The week has been so busy, so stressful, and work so awful that Grant met me after work Friday night for martinis and pizza. Earlier, on the hour long drive home from work I realized that my teeth were clenched the whole way, and I caught myself considering spouting “Someone’s getting spanked tonight. Me or you. You pick!” I am not usually quite that saucy or direct, but admitted to myself I was so strung out, that one of us was likely to be the recipient.

    Knowing the kind of work day I had, he preempted the whole discussion with booze. I ask, what could be better than a martini and excellent pizza on a Friday night? Well one martini. I am regrettably a cheap date and he had his usual red wine. The martini got me quite tipsy and finally relaxed. He then rushed me home to take full advantage of his drunken wife and vanquished whatever remaining stress I had left.

    I have now slept in until after 10 am (unthinkable) and the day is cancelled due to a ‘Nor’easter’ snow storm. YAY! I don’t even want to say how busy and stressed I am, or how awful work has been. Instead I am enjoying my cup of coffee, looking out at the snow, and thinking about Christmas past. I have not had my Christmas punishment spanking.

    Every year, since we brought DD into our marriage, I have ended up there, staring at the carpet. I think the stress causes friction. He gets bossy, I get snippy, and then he does things wrong, and I end up spanked. Really. That is just how it happens. He does… things… and I don’t have the patience to deal with it in my typically calm and submissive manner. I can’t remember the details of the first year or the second…just that the tradition of the Christmas spanking was established.

   Three years ago I do remember it was a two for one kind of night. We were up until almost midnight wrapping presents on Christmas eve. We were both too tired, and I looked across the bed and saw he was wrapping things wrong. I mean there are rules, ya know? Don’t help me if you aren’t going to do it right! The packages need to be pretty, and you must rotate the wrappings so each kid gets presents wrapped with the different papers, different ribbons, etc. I don’t remember exactly what was said, only that finally he looked at me “You know what? I have HAD it with your attitude and your snippy tone. Your getting a spanked!” and stalks off to get a paddle. “I am NOT! MY attitude? Mine? You want to talk about attitude…?” Yeah, it was THAT kind of night! So after getting a quick hard spanking, I got into my pajamas and into bed. He vacated the bedroom. He went to close up and cool off, I think. He was ticked. But then, so was I! I sat in bed for 5 minutes and brewed and eventually boiled. How dare he? MY Attitude???? I decided I was going right out to give that man a piece of my mind! Warning: Do not try this at home! I strode purposely out of the bedroom and found him in the kitchen. Wagging my finger at him I said, “You know what? I am going to tell you something…” I got no further. He took me by the arm marched me back into the bedroom with “I guess we weren’t finished!” I am still not convinced the attitude was all mine, but I was totally convinced to give it up and go to sleep. Christmas day was lovely.

   Last year he was impossible too. He always insists on buying things that clearly have no place being opened on Christmas morning. One year it was of small pocket copies of the US Constitution to go in the kids’ stockings. Another year it was a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” for under the tree. What every 15, 19 and 21 yr old need, right?

   Last year I got spanked over Kleenex. Yep. We were in a store and he wanted to buy small tissue packets with Santa and Rudolf other Christmas scenes on them for their stockings. I tried to explain that 3 teens, especially the 16 and 22 yr old boys did not want Santa tissues. He said my protestations embarrassed him in the store, and he bought them anyway. I got spanked. You can clearly see that my children have needed protection from their misguided gift giving Dad!

   This year, so far, we are spank free, except for the regularly scheduled programming…fun or who’s who. Wait, who am I again? We have 6 days to go. My children are 17, 21 and 23 this year. They can handle themselves and whatever their father decides to gift them with. They can tell who bought what, and now I think his strangeness has a place in their hearts. They sometimes tease with calling him their ‘Special’ Dad!  But, there are roads to travel, gifts to buy, cookies to bake and packages to wrap. We have lots to get through before Christmas morning 2009 arrives. I will have to let you know if we keep tradition.  I wonder if he’ll behave this year?

Several weeks ago we hired a trainer. The gentleman is quite experienced. We arranged to have him came to our home on a Sunday afternoon for an initial 2 hour session. I expect he will be scheduled again for next month.

I would like to share some of session one:

Our trainer explained:

“The first thing you need to do is to establish your dominance with her. It is really very simple. To work well together and in sync with you she needs a leader, and that is you.

Be firm, but kind. You are not trying to frighten her, but need to establish that every time she pushes you, you will push back, and a bit harder.

There must be consistent consequences every time. When she is compliant and sweet you reward her with your voice and touch. Praise her. When she misbehaves or challenges you, you must punish her.  You will never be cruel but firm, and will answer her misbehavior with a correction that is related to her misdeed. When she pushes, you push back, a little harder.

The true alpha is a loner and not a good partner; You don’t want to be that. You want to be close, her friend, her companion, but when push comes to shove, you must be in charge, and you can never forget that or she will.

She will challenge you and test. This is not because she is bad. It is natural for her to check to see if there is a weakness, if she can step over the line that you drew last week, or even yesterday. Understand, this is also part of her survival instinct. You see, as long as you maintain your dominance, she knows instinctively she is safe. If a sudden threat comes from the outside, she can turn to you as long as she knows you are the one in charge. If she has been able to push you around, if she is the stronger one, when that threat comes she has no protector. If she perceives that she is the dominant one, when there is a threat she must fight or run. If you are weaker she cannot look to you as her protector, and then naturally she feels alone. So she tests to see if you have what it takes to dominate her, which then reassures her that she can relax and feel safe. When you maintain the control,  she knows when she is with you she is safe.”

    Grant and I listened and were fascinated. With simplicity, the basic natural order of things was laid out and explained. There was no discussion of what was fair or right, no idealism, but rather the bare bones of what makes a good working relationship between a trainer and a horse. You see my daughter has decided she wants to be a horse trainer and we hired an experienced trainer to teach her to train her mare.

    Read back over what our horse trainer said and it makes perfect sense. Perhaps you thought we were talking about us? Pfff…as if Grant would need instructions! I am sure the trainer did not realize, as Grant and I leaned over the pasture fence listening, what we were thinking. Later we admitted to each other that we were both struck by the basic truths that we took so many years to come to for ourselves in our marriage.

    Why is it so hard for us to see ourselves as having basic animal instincts and needs? We complicate things because we are way more complicated, and our intellects do come into play. In this day and age we are tempted to tell ourselves and each other that the caveman days are over. However, I think the truth is we have not left all of these instinctual parts of our natures behind us as we have progress through the ages.

     I know women who are adamant about the “equality” in their marriages . They will not allow themselves to be told what to do, how, or when. They fight to maintain control at all times, and generally their husbands get tired of fighting. They commiserate with their buddies and leave her alone. They feel diminished and disrespected but yield, accepting that this is the way it is today. In the meantime she is complaining to her girl friends that “everything is on me” and “why can’t he be more romantic?” “He acts like I don’t need anything from him.” They have a marriage, or about 50% do, and it is intact, but it is not very close. The intimacy is compromised. He is not respected and she is not cherished. She does not have the luxury of knowing she is safe in his keeping, and he does not have the authority required to protect and care for her. She doesn’t need him, and his interest wanes.

    I also thought what our trainer said about the alpha horse in the herd was interesting. There is one alpha horse, almost always a male. But he is not the herds’ friend or partner. The trainer advised that a trainer wants to be a horse’s dominant, but still her partner, her friend. In this online community I have occasionally seen hurt and cruelty masquerading as dominance. No, that is not what it is about. The dominant in a healthy relationship keeps the end goal of being friends and lovers, creating a harmonious and happy partnership, as his focus.

    ‘Tis the season. I have all kinds of ideas for in-depth Dd things to discuss. Instead in these last 3 days I am trimming the tree…

lighting the lights…

baking the cake…

and hosting the department of agriculture in my home. Yep, yesterday morning, in between preparations for the 1^st night of Hanukkah, I was visited by the State.

    It seems our cat might be at risk for rabies due to a late rabies shot and a small almost healed bite mark on his neck that indicated he had a scuffle with another critter. This is a frequent occurrence as he is an old  warrior and we live with woods around us, although I strongly suspect the fights are with the neighbor’s cat, not wildlife. However, the vet was required to report and now we are under quarantine. I was told if he seems lethargic and/or cranky we should be concerned. I explained to the inspector “Our cat is 13+ yrs old. He is always lethargic and  often cranky!”

I am sure the man thought I was a lunatic. I am not only completely unconcerned about the rabies, when he told me the bright yellow warning sign must be posted on the outside of the house for the next 6 months, I laughed and immediately taped it on the front door right next to the wreath! Enter at your own risk!

I guess it’s all about perspective, and on my list of concerns our quarantined status just does not rate! The guy will be visiting with me every 60 days, so I guess we will get together for Valentine’s day and Easter too.

    On another note, last night we celebrated the 1^st night of Hanukkah and we had a really fun evening, Our older son and his friend came, my BIL, our dgtr and her BF, Grant and I, and our younger son. It was an evening full of food and laughter, banter and debate, and wine and egg nog, candles and a prayer. We really had a blast. There has been so much stress and ’stuff’ around us, but in the midst of that I have a wonderful family, we are healthy and together, and for that I am ever so grateful!

    Today, while Grant is teaching, I am going to sort out the Christmas gifts and see where we stand. There is ritual and routine involved in this age-old process. Mothers understand this, and fathers just shake their heads. I have to lay out the stuff for the 3 kids and make sure it is approximately balanced both in terms of number of gifts and approximate value. I have to then make lists and see what I am missing and fill in so that it is all just right. Next week I do my final shopping, a woman on a mission.

     The first year we got back together after our separation was also our first DD Christmas. Things were still new and Grant was testing the boundaries of what he could control, expect, decree. I guess in retrospect I felt guilt over the pain our marital strife had caused our children. Somehow on Christmas eve, when the gifts were placed under the tree with care, they ended up spilling out from under that tree and filling most of the living room. The kids laughed at me and Grant was astounded, amazed, and for some reason I have had a budget and shopping ‘assistance’ in the 3 years since.

    This year, however, I have had no budget, little assistance, and interestingly enough I have not gone overboard at all. I just don’t feel compelled in the same way. I do think the materialism was driven by my anxiety, which was rooted in the  underlying lack in our emotional family life, which is always based on the foundation of the marriage that it sits upon. Whatever else is happening around us our marriage is solid, and our family is happy and healthy, and the very real truth is that came about because of love and commitment, the  hard work and Domestic discipline.

Happy Festivas to you all!

The IRS. They finally came for me. A month ago I got the dreaded letter in the mail. They decided to audit me. Why not throw in just a little end of the year fun to add a twist?

The classic image I had of the IRS auditor was totally on target. He was 60-ish, and a numbers geek. Tall and thin, hair a bit too long, clothes a bit disheveled in a ‘Columbo’ sort of way. He more or less tried to be nice, but having no real social skills, and his job assignment to try to trip me up on something, try to catch me in a lie from 2007, it fell a bit flat. He was also enough of a bureaucrat that he secretly enjoyed the position of temporary authority over me that his IRS ID tag loaned him.

I presented as I am, a 52-year-old business woman, conservatively dressed, sharp, but respectful and ladylike.  Looks can be deceiving!

So I sat there in my accountants office for 2 and a half hours on Monday morning last week being asked things like “How much cash did you have on hand on Jan 1st 2007 at 12:01 am?” At first I thought, ‘He’s got to be kidding right?’ I barely remember last week let alone 2007! ‘Breathe’ I told myself. He’s just trying to figure out if I have a stash of hidden cash, maybe $10,000.00 in my panty drawer? “I probably had about $ 14.00.” I figured I might have $ 4.00 in my wallet of I was lucky, and $10.00 in the kitchen money pot for kid’s lunch money.

The highlight of the interview, though, was when he tried to lighten the moment with a joke. He prefaced this by announcing that he would tell a joke. “So I was auditing this Chinese lady…and then I said, ‘I won’t bring out the handcuffs right now….later if I have to’. You should have seen her face!”

My very nice, passive, rotund and also a bit geeky accountant laughed because when the IRS man tells a joke you do that. The IRS guy laughed too, because he had amused himself. I smiled, and bit back several retorts, thinking “Handcuffs…how very interesting! Gentlemen, you have no idea, do you?” I love secrets!

OK, so the fact that the representative of our US Federal Government told a joke with racist, sexist not to mention hostile undertones is entirely beside the point. The idea that the threat of handcuffs was not exactly a threat helped to keep me calm and amused!

    Sometimes, perspective is everything. Gratitude is a very important part of my life. It is a cultivated world view that I believe has contributed hugely to my happiness. One of the disappointments of my recent malaise is that I was unable to feel what I knew I should. While I intellectually registered many wonderful things around me, even amongst the varied messes a life as full as mine presents, I was unable to feel the pleasure or the gratitude for the riches surrounding me.

    First and foremost is my husband. This week Grant turned 58 years old. I have teased him that I have no idea how I ended up with an ‘older man’, but that is beside the point. I am sure he was not nearly as old when we met, but somehow, here we are. It appears we have grown together into a Spring/Autumn romance.  I don’t mind. A full head of silvery salt and pepper hair can be distinguished and sexy (on a man)!

   I find older men are more confident and often wise. They can tend towards traditional (he has asked me not to call him ‘old fashioned’) in an endearing way…. authoritative, respectful, and appreciative of feminine wiles while steady under fire. 58 yr olds might move a bit slower, but apparently become more perceptive and can think faster than the less experienced younger versions of themselves. Or maybe after all these years he has me figured out?

    My husband has always been a harder man on the outside. In his maturity he has grown sure enough of who he is, and we are, to be soft with me. He is a man of uncommon integrity and goodness. He is also goofy and romantic, bombastic and sentimental, uniquely himself. The best part is he is mine, my mate.

    This will be the 30^th birthday we have celebrated together and I feel so grateful to have this man in my life, for what we have made together, for him and who he is. Happy Birthday Grant!

I am really pushing myself here tonight. I am going to try very hard to come out of hiding. I miss you all. I miss writing. I miss reading. I have been struggling and somehow have not had the energy, neither the emotional or mental space, to reach beyond my immediate world. It has been all I could do to handle myself, my family, my work, my day to day life.

Many people have told me over the years that they feel ashamed of any sort of psychological difficulty. If not personally ashamed, at very least they feel a need to hide it from the world for concern of what friends or employers or even their family might think. I am not going to do that. As both a trained mental health professional and as a person who suffers from depression, I believe it is something that is important to talk about. If I had diabetes, high blood pressure, or a virus there would be no shame. Because I have an inherited chemical imbalance that caused an intermittent mood disorder called clinical depression, I should feel I need to hide that? No. That’s just not my way. Someone needs to speak up, so it might as well be me.

Thankfully, I have not been depressed for many years. My depression is completely under control and managed with a medication. I know the signs and watch myself carefully, and have really had no issues for a long time. I think this time it started as situational. With the legal loss, echoes of parent loss, many life changes, and intense extended family pressures, I just finally became overwhelmed, run down and finally depression set in. The good news is I know enough to not let myself sink, and with a my awareness and a quick medication adjustment, about 10 days later I am more or less back to myself. At very least I am no longer clinically depressed.

 True depression is very painful. It is hard to describe if you have never experienced it. There are feelings of intense vulnerability, angst and self doubt. The psychic pain can be quite simply horrible. For the past several weeks I have been unable to speak here. I felt like I had nothing of value to offer. I have also not read much elsewhere and have been more or less unable to comment. When most people are depressed their walls go up to protect themselves and others. Spreading doom and gloom is not helpful or attractive. I have been frustrated with my lack of ability to get a grip, to hold onto a positive outlook, my usual optimism and good spirit. When you are depressed, parts of yourself can become unavailable. I have not felt good, thus not felt good about myself, and hardly wanted to share that headspace. If you pick up a pair of very dark sunglasses and slip them on, your world is instantly shaded. With depression, your world goes grey too. Thank God for modern science and medications!

 Anyway, that’s my story. I know some have wondered where I suddenly disappeared to, and a few kind friends have emailed. I hope you will understand and forgive my silence. I am relieved to mostly be back to my real self. I am still distracted by too many real life dramas, pulled at by work pressures, and pretty stressed, but my dark shades are set aside and I am able to at least begin to open up some again. I am going to try very hard to get back to regular posting. It feels good to be back!

Your comments were lovely, heartwarming, wise, and remind me of how much I am part of a cyber community of such fine and caring friends. Thank you. It means more than you know.

I just can’t seem to be able to bring myself to talk about what is going on right now. I have tried and can’t quite manage. I guess I won’t then, until I can. I am OK, though. I am not online much, not reading blogs or commenting, but I do think of you all every day, and for certain, I will be back!

On a happier note, life has been busy here. I am home and baking today and thought I might share a few recipes. We had talked a while ago about cake recipes. I am baking these today:   

Pumpkin Pie

Ingredients:

• 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 2 cups canned pumpkin, mashed
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 egg plus 2 egg yolks, slightly beaten
• 1 cup half-and-half
• 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) melted butter
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger, optional
• 1 piece pre-made pie dough
• Whipped cream, for topping

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place 1 piece of pre-made pie dough down into a (9-inch) pie pan and press down along the bottom and all sides. Pinch and crimp the edges together to make a pretty pattern. Put the pie shell back into the freezer for 1 hour to firm up. Fit a piece of aluminum foil to cover the inside of the shell completely. Fill the shell up to the edges with pie weights or dried beans (about 2 pounds) and place it in the oven. Bake for 10 minutes, remove the foil and pie weights and bake for another 10 minutes or until the crust is dried out and beginning to color.

For the filling, in a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese with a hand mixer. Add the pumpkin and beat until combined. Add the sugar and salt, and beat until combined. Add the eggs mixed with the yolks, half-and-half, and melted butter, and beat until combined. Finally, add the vanilla, cinnamon, and ginger, if using, and beat until incorporated.

Pour the filling into the warm prepared pie crust and bake for 50 minutes, or until the center is set. Place the pie on a wire rack and cool to room temperature. Cut into slices and top each piece with a generous amount of whipped cream.

Apple Pecan Pie
Delicious two layer apple pecan pie. Apples tossed in sugar, nutmeg, flour, cinnamon and lemon juice make up the bottom layer of this inverted pie. Pecans and brown sugar make up the beautiful top. Perfect pie for a fall or winter dinner party.Ingredients:
 
1/4 cup Butter, softened
1/2 cup Pecan Halves
2/3 cup Brown Sugar
Pastry for 2 crust pie
6 cups sliced Baking Apples
1/2 cup Sugar
2 tablespoons Fresh Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon All-Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon Nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon Salt
 
Directions:
 
1. Preheat oven to 450 F.
2. Spread butter on bottom and sides of glass pie plate. Arrange pecans on bottom and sides or pie plate.
3. Sprinkle brown sugar over top of pecans and press to hold pecans in place.
4. Roll out bottom crust. Allow for enough dough to over hang pie plate ½”. Place crust in pie plate over sugar and pecans.
5. In a medium-mixing bowl, combine apples, sugar, lemon juice, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.
6. Pour apple filling into piecrust.
7. Roll out top crust. Place over apple pie filling and seal edges with bottom crust.
8. Prick top crust with fork.
9. Bake 10 minutes, then lower oven to 350 F and bake additional 40-45 minutes.
10. Remove from oven.
11. When pie filling stops bubbling, place serving plate over pie and invert.
12. Carefully remove pie pan.
13. Serve warm.

Would anyone else like to share some baking favorites?

Grant and I wish you the very best Thanksgiving Holiday.  We are cooking at home and spending ours with people we love, and for that we are ever so thankful!

I have been feeling awful. So much so that it has threatened to suck me down into myself, and most days this week have been a struggle to get through, doing the things I must, trying to stay afloat. I see my pain reflected in my husband’s eyes. He wants to do something to save me from a real life trauma that cannot be fixed or changed. I try to look OK for him, but I cannot be OK, inside, and he knows this, and he hurts too.

So yesterday I borrowed an idea from a friend and baked her lemon pound cake recipe. My boys looked dubiously at me in the kitchen surrounded by flour and mess, “What’s wrong Mom?” It is a family joke that unless it is a Holiday, if Mama is baking, she’s upset. “Nothing’s wrong! Can’t a woman bake a cake for her boys without a reason?” I lied. They know too. I am told I am a horrible liar. Everything I feel and think is written on my face before the words are out. I don’t play poker.

Trapped, I explained to our older son, who had been away for a week and somehow missed the news, I lost round one of the law suit filed againts me by my father’s wife over his estate. It is being appealed and I am assured we will prevail, as we truly are not only in the right, but I am told, in keeping with the law. I don’t even think it is the loss that has me overwhelmed. It is the realization that this hell that descended upon me when my father died is not going away anytime soon. This will be in my life for another year, maybe many years to come. It is long and complicated, but in a nut shell, I am being sued on my father’s behalf, and not of my doing. The massive legal fees have wiped out all our savings and mean my children will go to college on loans. We had worked so hard had saved for a very long time to live a different way.

I feel like my life is being taken over by living my father’s life for him, after his death. “The sins of the father…” I loved my father and I miss him. In the midst of this war I have barely had time to mourn. He was many wonderful things, but in the end he could not find the strength to deal with this woman he admitted he married in error, and he left his mess to me. I and my family have been under attack since. I feel trapped. I feel wronged. I feel like I have been sucked into the middle of insanity and greed and the parts of life I want no part of. I want desperately to get away and there seems to be no escape. It’s an ugly business, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. And then what do good people do?

So…I took a break from the blog because I could think of nothing to say. Who wants to hear about this? I stopped IM-ing with friends. I read some good novels and I baked. Then I ate cake. It didn’t help at all. Today is Sunday, a new day and a new week, and somehow I have to find the strength to get my act together. Neither despair or cake will change this.

I found some inspirational quotes to help move myself along:

Our society is so caught up in winning, we forget that most of the great men and women in history have, at one time or another, failed at something. Often repeatedly, and discouragingly. But each failure is nothing more than a brick in the wall that forms the foundation of our success. We can’t forget that. — Carlton Young.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says… I’ll try again tomorrow. — Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey.

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself. ~Michel de Montaigne

I think my personal religion is mostly about getting up each day and reaching towards the light. Looking at each day as many choices present, and choosing to do and be the best I can. So somehow I will search inside for that courage mentioned above and keep on keeping on. I guess, in the end, that is what it is all about, and it is the best I can do.

    So, about that exercise…Well, here’s the thing. I really truly do not want to do it. I understand why it is important. I agree I should. I know it is the only way to assure good health and longevity. I hate doing it. Actually, I think I hate it in theory more than in reality. I don’t mind doing it as long as my mind is occupied. Listening to good upbeat music gets me through it without much stress, once I am there and on the machine. Getting myself there is taking a true internal battle each and every day. Now it is a rule, something I do need to think about daily, which both helps but also complicates things. It helps in that I must make it happen, it complicates things because I can’t just blow it off and I am not (yet) comfortable with it. The thing is, this exercise routine, the battle and the rules are nothing new for me.

    This started with back problems and a need to lose weight, which dovetail. The weight did not cause the problems but it sure did exacerbate it. I am at a good weight now. Sure, I could lose a few more pounds, and I am on the way there, but that is not a big deal. The big deal is the discs and what it takes to keep them healthy-ish. I have damage and chronic pain. In the short and long run, regular exercise helps a lot. And it helps everything else as well. It will keep me young and active, less stressed, and make the systems run smoother and longer. ALL the studies say so. So why are we a world of fat sedentary people who die sooner than we should and otherwise would? Because we pretend we do not know what medical science tells us, because we are lazy, because denial is much more fun than facing what it takes to have what we all want: a good, healthy and long life.  So…I know this, and yeah, I will do it. My mind gets it, but in my heart, I still don’t want to.

    The other issue is a Dd one. In the summers things are much looser for us. Grant and I are not together all the time. He’s at our mountain place and I am at home near my work. I go back and forth, but routines and things like scheduled exercise typically go out the window. I don’t have my elliptical there. I try to walk, and generally, it being the summer, I just do get more exercise, but it is all haphazard. When we come back, the shift into our routines is a bit sticky for me. We are together, he expects certain things again, and the transition back to living with more attention and oversight is a mixed bag. I love the attention, and miss it when it wavers. I don’t always love the oversight. I don’t particularly like being told what to do. I suppose at some level I need it within our relationship or we would not have organized ourselves this way…although I think, perhaps, our dynamic might have more to do with his need to direct as my need to be directed. He has always been of this ilk, and I always resisted. Now, I comply. I am not one of these women who need to be generally directed in my life. It’s more that for us to be compatible, we needed to sort out a power dynamic together. Grant in charge works best because of who he is. But it’s not always easy for me (I know, not for him either). Other women get to go to work and be responsible there, and then let their health slide, spend too much money, curse like a sailor, drive their car fast and on empty, and leave their front door unlocked. Ok, so maybe put that way it doesn’t sound all that attractive, but it does sound blessedly irresponsible and just sometimes….

    Among other things Grant has said about this, aside from I have to because it is an important health issue and “because he says so”, he also insists I asked him for his help with this. I am very sceptical. I have no memory of this conversation. Really! What might have possessed me? Was this one of those mid- spanking talks and I said “I’ll need your  help?” Spankees say things, sounding very sincere, to get spankers to stop spanking! I mean common…take it with a grain of salt! Maybe it’s a good thing he has “because I say so” to fall back on.

     My higher self knows the whole thing has to do with a mindset of self-awareness,  short-term and long-term. How will my behaviors affect me and us? What is the best, smartest, most responsible way to do things? It is not that I cannot handle deciding for myself. Rather I think it is that when someone who loves you stands back and looks more objectively at your situation and the choices you make, he may desire for you and require of you the best you can do, with less laziness and denial clouding his vision. The fact that I have ceded authority to him in our relationship to make these decisions benefits me and us, but it does rub me the wrong way when I am a little out of practice.

     So…I think I just don’t like to take the time and make the space in my day to exercise, and I think that because right now, in this moment in time, I feel personally uncommitted to it, it becomes all about doing what I am told. How I can be battling with that, again, I don’t know. I have been here before. I would think it would get easier. It’s like riding a bicycle, right? Wait…no, that would involve excercise!

Sometimes, you just have to laugh! If it’s at yourself, even better.  This post might be best for women only, as there are some things men are better off not knowing. Gentlemen, if you should decide to read on, I assume no responsibility for anything.

Several weeks ago Grant finally asked the question. I more or less knew it was coming, half realized I would be caught, was really trying to get a step ahead before it came to that, but just never quite managed to. Just 4 little words…

“Did you exercise today?”

Ah Shoot!  “No.”

Surprised, “What?”

“No…I didn’t.”

“Why not?”  (He looks at the kitchen clock. It is 4 PM)

 “Because, I just didn’t…yet” (trying to imply I would soon)

  Scowling slightly, “Did you exercise yesterday?”

  (Uh oh, this is not going well) “Well…mmm, no.”

“When was the last time you did exercise?”…silence…..”Well?” the eyebrows go up.

“Wait…I am trying to remember!…Thursday, I am pretty sure.”

He turns to the sink, commenting over his shoulder, “If I were you, I would be closing that laptop and hurrying to get that exercise done right now!”

    The infamous, “We’ll discuss this later.” was implied but not spoken. Oh no, now what? Every woman in a DD relationship knows the code. “Discuss” means he will be talking, with an implement of some sort, and I will be listening and agreeing to whatever he says. Sheesh. OK…so…I’ll worry later…maybe go exercise first? Now, while I am following directions ever so cooperatively, at least I can speculate about what is going to happen instead of being bored out of my mind while I excercise!

    Will he or won’t he? The infraction is not mega. I mean, yes I am supposed to and I haven’t, but…major crime, nah. On the other hand, we did agree I would start a regular exercise routine up again, and I have been stalling, and it is a health issue, which he takes seriously…and I have already been warned. But I did over half of what I was supposed to. OK. But any kind of punishment is not a happy thing and I begin to think maybe I have reason to worry.

    Fast forward to that evening, same kitchen table, same husband glancing at the same clock. “I’d like you to be ready  in the bedroom at 8 pm.” And he walks out. Ready? Ready for what? There is no clear “in trouble” tone or look perceived, and I am left to wonder at the nature of our appointment. There will be spanking almost certainly, but what kind? A girl needs to know these things!!!!

    At 7:15 I decide to go ‘get ready’. But…what am I getting ready for? I walked into the bedroom where Grant was reading and mentioned that I would be in shortly. Then, although I knew, couldn’t help but ask what I was getting ready for. “Your spanking.” “I know… but what kind?” “I am still deciding that.”  “OK”, since I realized this was NOT the time to take issue but rather to demonstrate proof of my complete if sudden demeanor of obedience!

    You see, the “what kind”  makes all the difference. There are codes for dress and preparations to be made. These are not his codes but mine. If he wants something specific, he is specific. He often just instructs “get ready”. I have developed my own pre-spanking rituals, some of which are rather silly, but…I do them anyway. I don’t know if they really help, but I have always been an optimist. Well, knowing that this infraction was not a super big deal, I went for black lace…I mean, whatever is going to happen, you might as well look good, right?

    In days long gone by, it used to be that any sort of spanking made me very nervous. I still get nervous, but not for any kind but a punishment anymore. Back then it was all new, it hurt, and while I wanted to do this thing, at least in the abstract, the fantasy and the reality are quite different. Being “in trouble” more or less freaked me out, and I really needed to DO something with myself in the hours before. That turned into a shower, all kinds of grooming, skin creams, hair washing, blow drying with the use of sundry products, including root lifter. You will never see me showing up to a spanking with bad hair!!!

    Then there is the issue of attire. Now the reality is most of it is coming off anyway, but that is entirely beside the point! I remember, with stellar hair, clean and shiny, fragrant and voluminous, I stood in front of my closet, doors flung wide. “What does one wear to a spanking?” I would ponder. How much trouble am I in? Which implement will he use? What’s coming off?  How fast? Will it help if I wear layers? Yes guys (who are not supposed to be reading this) , we (I cannot be the only one! )  do think like this, when it comes down to the wire, and true desperation sets in. I have been known to choose flannel pajamas over nylon, wear panties underneath when I never do that, even knowing there is the strong likelihood that whatever I am wearing will quickly be dispensed with anyway.

    Now, If I am really worried about the fate of my derriere, sexy new panties are a must!  All girls schooled in the ancient and secret arts of mysterious womanhood know that one should never underestimate the power of the panties! Lace is nice, colors help, the cut must be revealing but not too too, and he has to have NEVER seen them before! This is a cardinal rule, because if the vision is not an immediate distraction, if his attention is not torn from his intended mission to the offering now laid before him, your moment of advantage is lost! There is that one pivotal moment in time, the reveal, and it can make or break your spanking experience. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is war girls! If you can inspire your spanker to pause, to gaze, the tables will have at very least tilted. He was in complete control and you, OTK,  in complete surrender. Suddenly,  he is diverted, and your spanking is on it’s way to a quick resolution. Oh he will still spank, but now his mind wanders. And surely if we know anything about our men, we can appreciate that multi-tasking is not a strength! He is now wanting to wrap up this portion of the scheduled programming quickly!

    I know. I can be very bad. But somehow, I have not had the impression my husband minds so very much!